My Family (2000) s09e01 Episode Script

Morning, Ben.
Have you tried this yet? - What is it? - It's Cavicleanse.
It's new from Cavitex.
It is fantastic.
Kills 99% of all known bacteria.
Mm.
Oh, and yet you still live.
Really erm, interesting tang.
Sort of warm, tingling sensation.
Mm.
Mm.
Mmm! Oh, really? And this erm, warm, tingling sensation.
Is it getting any warmer? - Mm.
Mmm.
- Sort of burning, perhaps? Mm! Mm! It's because Cavicleanse is for sterilising instruments.
- Uh! - Roger, Roger, Roger! Don't kill my fish.
And don't not down the basin.
Just, just swallow it.
Hang on.
Still thinking of something to put in Mum's anniversary card? I've got loads of ideas.
Like? Oh, leave me alone.
Didn't you use that line last year? I've plenty of time before she's back from your grandmother's.
Can't think of anything, can you? Look, it has a perfectly nice message in there already.
"Happy anniversary.
" See? There you go.
Says it all.
Although I'm not crazy about the "happy" part.
Why do you find it so hard to express your emotions, Dad? Is it because you have none? I wouldn't say none.
In fact, you're about to see anger.
Seriously, Dad, how hard is it to put a few words together? It's not hard at all.
In fact, I'm thinking of two right now.
- Love you too, Dad.
- Mm-hm.
(Michael) And action.
(Flat tone) Oh no, I've slipped on a roller skate, which I did not see.
That was terrible.
You don't expect me to actually fall? If we're going to sell this clip to Caught On Film it's got to look real.
I'm not doing it.
Then you can fall off the ladder onto the concrete patio.
Let me give the roller skate another go.
All I'm saying is, Janey, that if I don't write anything on it, I can reuse it.
It makes good financial sense.
(Janey) Are you ready? I'm trying to get Alfie to fall down the stairs again.
Alfie, it's not worth you killing yourself for 250 quid.
You told me it was 25.
Hang on.
Hang on.
Where are you lot going? Pub quiz.
Pub quiz? How You're going to a pub and you didn't think to invite me? (All giggle) Sorry, what? Well, no offence, Dad, but it's about knowing stuff.
Listen, Stephen Hawking.
I know stuff, OK.
I know loads of stuff.
I have decades of accumulated wisdom compared to your meagre 18.
- Twenty.
- Twenty.
Are you 20? Shouldn't you have a job by now? Dad, we would have invited you but we didn't think you'd be interested.
Plus, we've got a hand-picked team.
I've got Science and Current Affairs.
- Janey knows Music and Fashion.
- Really? And him? What does he know? I'll have you know my specialist subject is Geography.
Really? You never found your way back to Wales! Can we go? We're picking Roger up at quarter past.
Roger?! What? Our Roger? What? "Hello, Ben, turn that frown upside down.
" That Roger? - He's surprisingly bright.
- Surprisingly.
He's a shock.
I've swatted bluebottles with bigger intellect than him.
Dad, if you want to come, come.
It's fine.
No, it's fine.
I'm kind of busy anyway.
Kind of, kind of busy.
You know, I've got a card to write.
All right, don't have to beg.
I'll come.
I just forgot my coat.
Question nine.
Who was the Lady with the Lamp? Now, the answer, of course, was (All) Florence Nightingale.
I'm sorry, but the Statue of Liberty is a lady holding a lamp.
Come on.
Please, Dad, you can't moan every time you get an answer wrong.
- How did you become a dentist? - Another question he can't answer.
Last question.
What do Woburn, Westminster and Glastonbury have in common? They all have an abbey.
(Whimpers) Abi.
Please, Roger, Roger, not now.
Please! This is a fun evening, isn't it? Round four.
Science and Nature.
Question one.
Newton's Law states that for every action there is a what? (Mouths) I don't like playing the pub quiz police but that fellow there keeps texting.
Who? Where? He's been doing that for half the evening.
- I'm going to have a word.
- Leave it.
It's not worth it.
Question two.
Where would you find the hammer, the anvil and the stirrup? Aintree.
Thank you.
Vodka and tonic for Janey.
Dandelion and burdock, Roger's.
Good.
- All right? - Oh, it's you, is it? - It's good fun this, innit? - Mm-hm, if you say so.
Oh, I get it.
You got the hump because we're first and you lot, you're oh, eighth.
I don't mind being eighth.
And I have the hump as you so adroitly put it because some people aren't exactly playing by the rules.
- What are you saying? - I've been watching you.
Oh yes.
Phone a friend, eh? Mr Google.
- I don't like what you're inferring.
- Implying.
I imply, you infer.
- Listen - If you want to cheat, fine.
It's a matter for you and your conscience.
But, most of us are bright enough not to call for backup.
But, don't feel bad.
I don't feel bad because sometimes the education system fails people.
- You saying I'm thick? - We can't all be nuclear physicists or dentists, can we? Outside.
- Who is? - We is.
You and me.
What's going on? Me and your granddad are about to settle an argument outside.
- I don't remember agreeing to that.
- We'll settle it in here, then.
You can use those martial arts skills you're always on about.
Kids.
You've got to laugh, haven't you? I have to warn you, these hands are registered as lethal weapons.
(Giggling) He's got patients who can testify to that.
Let's find out, shall we? Hey.
I wasn't scared of him, you know.
We know.
No, I could have given him a right good thumping if you lot hadn't have been there.
It's not the sort of thing you do in front of family, is it? Exactly, Mr Harper.
We all know that.
Dad, you did the right thing.
What is it you're always telling us? Move out and stop sponging off me.
You tell us to avoid trouble at all costs.
- Oh, do I? Oh.
- Yeah.
You've acted really responsibly.
- Really? - Yeah.
There's no shame in ducking a fight.
Mum would be proud of you.
Ah! Really? You think? Nobody here thinks you've acted like a spineless coward.
Right, I mean you didn't hear any of us use the words "wimp," "yellow" or "gutless" on the way home, did you? No.
No, I didn't.
(All) Phew! Well, there you go, then.
Sure.
Great.
Fine.
Very good.
Right, well.
Time for me to go count some sheep.
And then I'm off to bed.
Yeah, I'm going to turn in too.
Night, Dad.
- Night.
- Mikey.
Could have taken him, you know? Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Hello, Telephone Boy.
Oh, look, Rambo's back.
Been home to change your underwear, have you? No kids here now.
So, where you want to do it, here or outside? Let's do it outside.
That way I can have a smoke after I've laid you out.
Really? Come on, then.
Ooh! Here's my card.
Ooh dear.
You're going to need me in the morning.
Ah.
What a shame.
OK, Kenzo.
Look happy, it's your birthday.
- I've had my birthday.
- This is another one.
A pretend one.
Pretend? Isn't pretending like lying? It is a bit, yes.
No, it's not.
It's fine.
Mummy says it's wrong to lie.
Well, Mummy's a fine one to talk.
Why are we doing this? For fun.
It's a laugh.
A game! Michael, Michael, let me deal with this.
Kenzo, your uncle and I are making a funny film and you're the star.
Now, all you have to do is lean over the cake, I pop the balloon, you pretend to be surprised and go face down in all that yummy chocolate.
But I know the pop is coming so I won't really be surprised.
Michael.
Look.
Kenzo.
Do the stunt and Uncle Michael will get you a box of Smarties and some jelly babies, how's that? Ten pounds.
What? Ten pounds.
- Seven.
- Twelve.
- Ten.
- Done.
He's good, isn't he? You have to admire his moral flexibility.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Right.
Bye.
(Strains) Aah! (Strains) (Mutters) - Dad, would you mind? - Please, Janey, just pass.
- Unlucky.
- (Grumbles) Thanks.
Oh and, Dad.
- What? - Have you done Mum's card yet? I'll do it, I'll do it.
OK.
Argh! Unlucky! What's going on? Hello, Mummy.
If I fall into the cake Uncle Michael is going to give me ten pounds.
What? Michael, no! He could get hurt.
No, it's a shop-bought cake, it's not one of Mum's.
Is there nothing you won't do for money? No.
I was talking to your uncle.
Michael? OK, Alfie, it's your birthday.
Put the hat on, get in the chair.
(# Survivor: Eye of the Tiger) # Risin' up, back on the street # Did my time, took my chances # Went the dis # (Farts) #Just a man and his will to survive # So many times # It happens too fast # You trade your passion for glory # Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past # You must fight just to keep them alive # It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight # Rising up to the challenge of our rival # And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night # And he's watching us all # With the eye of the tiger # Face to face, out in the heat # Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry # They stack the odds till we take to the street # For the kill with the skill to survive # It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight # Rising up to the challenge of our rival # And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night # And he's watching us all with the eye of the tiger # I'm sorry, Michael, I'm just not especially partial to chocolate cake.
(Ben howls) Dad? Dad? (Moaning) Where are you? (Groaning) (Strained) I can't talk now.
Pain.
Mikey, could you get me some cotton wool buds, a pair of rubber gloves and a packet of frozen peas? That's very specific, Mr Harper.
It's a very specific injury.
- What have you done? - I'd rather not say.
Oh, I've seen these.
They're for women.
Which is what I am now.
Hang on, let's get you up on the bed.
Oh, no.
Easy.
Boys, take your time.
(Groans) Aah! I'll go and get you some frozen peas for your erm, you know, your erm I'll just get the peas.
- Dad, about Mum's card - Out! OK.
Ooh.
Aah.
Got some feeling coming back.
Which is actually worse.
What's all this stuff for? Nothing.
This isn't to do with that bloke in the pub the other night, is it? Pub, bloke.
What? Oh, him, no.
Course not.
No, I'm just trying to keep myself in shape.
- "Keep"? Don't you mean get? - Mikey, what are you doing? Calling Mum.
You've lost the plot.
Don't involve your mother in this.
I know exactly what she'd say.
- That you're an idiot.
- Yes, but after that she'd say, "Don't get involved, Ben.
"Just let the past stay in the past.
" What happened in the past? Hm? Nothing.
No, really, what? I don't want to talk about it.
You're clearly hiding something.
I was b-bullied.
- What? - Bull Some, some bullying occurred.
"Some bullying occurred.
" What's that mean? I was bullied at school, all right? You know, bullied.
Oh, I'm really sorry, Dad, I had no idea.
There was this kid at school.
Danny Jarvis.
And a really nasty piece of work.
Used to wait for me wherever I went.
Used to take my lunch money.
Used to dunk my head down the toilet.
Used to rip the little leather elbow patches off my blazer.
I never knew.
I swore, Mikey, I would never be on the receiving end of pain again.
And I think that's why I became a dentist.
Your mother's right.
You're right.
You're right.
Let's just forget the whole thing.
Hold on, that's not what I think.
Hm? Clearly, you've got issues you've got to get out of your system.
- How? - I think you should fight the guy.
Or And here's a little thought.
I could send a strongly-worded letter.
No.
This is going to eat away at you until the day you die, unless you handle it.
This isn't about what some bloke said to you, it's about whether you are able to step up and look at yourself in the mirror.
You are so right.
I'm going to do it.
I'll do it, OK.
But, let's keep this between us men.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Got to stand up, Mikey.
Got to stand up and be a man.
(Laughs) I'm never going to be humiliated ever again.
- Peas for your nads.
- Thank you.
- I could only find a small pack.
- That will do.
And action.
And action.
And cut.
You haven't spent the 250 yet, have you? This is hopeless.
You have to do something before the kid realises his puppy's missing.
Wait.
I've got an idea.
Come on, girl.
Grab the bra and run.
Come on, girl, you can do it.
Just get it between your teeth and give it a good shake.
(Grunts) Get your hands off my bra.
First time she's ever said that.
You two are such losers.
Actually, Michael, maybe the puppy could run around with a pair of her knickers on his head.
Forget it.
I'm not having my knickers paraded around in public.
That's the first time she's said that as well.
Ow! Oh, Dad.
I'm just popping out to get some fish and chips.
(Shouts) Anyone want mushy peas? Already got some, thanks.
Oh and, listen, if you give me Mum's card I'll post it for you.
- M-Mum's card? - You haven't done it, have you? I've got more important things to think about than a stupid anniversary card.
All right.
Whatever.
(Explosion) (Clattering and clanging) (Indistinct shouting, dog growling) (Coughing) Something I should know? Can someone help us put the dog out? Don't you mean let the dog out? No, I mean put the dog out.
(Plays Chopin's Funeral March) - You OK, Dad? - Yep.
I'm addicted.
Addicted to training.
Can't stop, can't stop.
- What time do the pubs open? - They're open all day.
Are they? Oh.
Hello, Champ.
Ready for the big fight? Michael told me.
I thought we were going to keep this between us men.
I am so very proud of you, Ben.
I speak as one who's been the victim of persistent and merciless bullying.
What I do at work, Roger, is for your own good.
I don't mean you, Ben.
I quite enjoy all the name calling and the way you push me around.
- I mean, it's all in fun, isn't it? - Well, I enjoy it.
Oh, it's going to be good.
It's going to be like the Rumble in the Jungle.
Huh, huh, huh! I'll get your coat.
What are you guys up to? We're just off for a drink with Roger.
Ha! Seriously.
Where are you going? Your father is going mano a mano with that bloke from the other night.
Just because of a few silly words at a quiz? That's mad.
It's not about that.
Dad's doing this for every kid who's ever been bullied.
- Isn't that right, Dad? - Am I? Yeah, I am.
Yes, l-I am.
It goes back to dad's childhood.
He was bullied at school.
- Is this true, Dad? - Yeah, that's right.
- Well, that's silly.
- Oh, silly, really? Well, you weren't the one being frightened to death by Danny Jarvis.
It was such a long time ago.
Get over it.
Yes, I wish I could but she scarred me for life.
Sorry? What? - She? - Danny was a girl? No.
Oh, my God.
You were beaten up by a little girl.
She wasn't little, Michael.
She was Amazonian.
She was huge.
She was You can laugh, go on, but the girls are the worst bullies.
I'm telling you, I've been bullied by girls all my life.
Your mother, your mother's mother.
Janey.
Me? What did I do? - Anniversary card.
- Yeah.
OK.
Roger.
He's been pushed around by Abi.
I know.
I loved it.
And Michael, you'll be pushed around by a girl one day hopefully.
Don't you have a fight to get to? Yes, I'm going.
I am going.
Girls, they can't fight back, but this guy, this guy, he's got it coming.
I'm going to do one more day's training.
- Dad.
- I'm going.
I'm going.
Right, come on, Roger.
Let's do it.
Let's Don't, don't do that.
That is terrible, though.
Poor Mr Harper being victimised by a young girl.
Well, that's good.
Can't see him anywhere, can you? That's good.
It's probably a good thing cos I'm just in the mood to give him a good pasting.
- It's him, he's here.
- Oh God, where? - Don't look, don't look.
- He's over there.
He's just come out of the gents.
Ooh.
I hope he washed his hands.
I don't want him giving you a nasty eye infection when he hits you.
Well, this is it.
This is the life-defining moment.
Here goes.
I should have done this when I was 12.
(Voice breaking) I want a word with you.
Oh, I'm glad you're here.
Listen, mate.
I need to apologise to you big time about the other night.
What? I was well out of order.
Sorry.
The thing was I'd had a crap day.
My wife had gone barmy with my credit card, my son's been giving me lip all day and my daughter proudly announced she was up the duff.
You have no idea what that does to a bloke.
Er, probably hazard a guess.
- Let me get you a drink.
- It's Ben.
Ben, I'm Barry.
Yeah.
Barry.
(Quietly) Think! Erm, so all the texting the other night, it was to solve problems at home, was it? No, no.
I was cheating.
Well, I'm not as bright as you, am I? Well, who is? Yes.
And erm Actually, Barry, I came down here to give you a good hiding.
- Really? - Yes.
That is funny.
It's not very funny because I've been working out.
- Oh.
Yeah? - Go on, feel that.
Feel that.
Fee - Yeah? - Yeah, like steel.
See what I mean? Oh, my God.
My kids are here.
- All right, I'll get them a drink.
- No, no, no.
They think I've come to fight you and I don't want to lose face.
No, not again.
What do you mean? I didn't do the first time.
If you say so.
(Ben chuckles nervously) I can't lose face so, look, can we just, like, sort of stage a fight? Yeah, yeah, lovely.
Yeah! Erm, a couple of punches to the gut, one on the chin, I will go down like a sack of spuds.
I promise not to hurt you, OK.
Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Right.
I've just about had it with you, Ben! No.
No.
You don't know my name.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Right.
I've just about had it with you stranger.
This is Chiswick, not the Wild West.
Look! I'm doing my best.
Just hit me.
Argh! Aah! Wedge, wedge, wedge, wedge.
(Ben) Oh! Ben Harper, you're barred.
Danny.
Danny Jarvis.
You've lost weight.
Ah! Janey.
You can stop your nagging now, I've finished your mother's card.
At last.
What did you write? "Come home soon.
I miss you lots and lots.
"When you're not here I go nuts.
Love Benjy Wenjy.
" Well? It's sweet.
It's innocent.
It's perfect.
Good, that's fine.
You see, I'm writing from the heart.
From the heart.
Just comes easy.
OK.
Nice work, Kenzo.
Owe you a tube of Smarties.
Ten pounds.
- What? - Ten pounds.
- Seven.
- Twelve.
- Ten.
- Done.