Still Game (2002) s09e01 Episode Script
Local Hero
1 This programme contains adult humour # Zip-a-dee-doo-dah # Zip-a-dee-ay # My, oh, my Oh, get out of the way.
Behold.
Winston Ingram.
Craiglang's very own Ninja.
Hello, Winston.
Knew it was you without even looking.
Old Spice, stale beer and stinking socks.
Your hallmark.
Bun.
Oh, ya wee bastard, ye! Ma bag, ma bag! Winston, help! Isa's bag! Isa's bag! Get him, ya wan-legged, pot-bellied, lazy wanker, ye! What are you gonnae do, chase me? MOCKING LAUGH DIDGERIDOO MUSIC Oh! Shut it, tadger.
Ma hero! Any time.
Oh! Oh LIFT BELL DINGS Ho! Where the hell have you been? What do you mean, where the hell have I been? I've been at the bookie's putting on a line.
I always go to the bookie's on a Wednesday.
Aye, aye, except it's Thursday.
Ohh! And we go and we buy two Beefy Bakes on a Thursday out of Henderson's and tan them before we get to the Clansman.
So as not to annoy Boabby.
Because his pies are pish.
Correct.
So What? Where's ma Beefy Bake? Ach, I've ate them, Jack.
You weren't at the designated meet point.
Well, all I know is, you've designated ma Beefy Bake doon your neck, you skinny fat rat, you! This is chaos.
We're gonnae have tae communicate better.
Well, how about we communicate like this? Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.
You know what that is? That's Morse code for "greedy arsehole"! LOW GROWLING What are ye staring at? Raw man.
All man.
You're just what Craiglang needs.
Oh, you've got me all going.
GROANS Jesus.
Well, gonnae get going and gie me some space? Oh, I've got a space for you.
Wrap that.
You're giving me the boak.
SHE GROANS GROANING STOPS Och no, Isa.
You've bought me plenty.
Ach, go on.
Just one more pint.
No, I'm half-cut already.
You don't have the money.
Oh, I've got the money, all right! Right here in this purse.
Thanks to you.
You're a hero! Like Batman! Batman? That's right.
I'm Robbin'.
Oh, look who it is! Thelma and Louise! Aye, well, we'd be happy to drive off the end o' a cliff to get away fae your patter.
Two pints, prick! There you are.
Listen, there's a bunch of weans outside asking for you.
What for? Well, they just said, "Could you please send out Mr Ingram?" What did you say? I said, "Away hame and get to your beds.
"You've got school in the morning, you wee fannies.
" Oddly, that didn't work, so they're still there.
ALL CHEER Can we get a selfie? What? You want me to take a photo of you? No, you wi' us, you silly old duffer.
Oi! Hey, hey! W-W-What do you want a photo wi' me for? Are you at the wind-up? Naw.
We seen what you done to that bag-snatcher.
Took your leg off and knocked that guy oot.
Actual legend.
Actual sick, man.
I filmed you fae o'er there.
Look.
Oh, watch this, boys.
Oh, that boy's snatched ma bag.
Noo he's running away.
There's Winston taking his leg aff.
Gonnae wrap it, missus, wi' the running commentary? The video speaks for itself.
Aye.
Cheeky wee article.
JACK: Oh, ho, eh! Look at that.
Ho-ho, bull's-eye! WINSTON: Shut it, tadger! BOYS CHUCKLE That is brilliant, Winston! Aye, you're like Dirty Harry! Aye, more like Manky Winston! ALL LAUGH So? What? So what? Can we get a selfie? Eh, aye, I suppose so.
Right, are you wanting us in it, then? Naw.
Yous are nobodies and you'll be dead soon.
Oh, well, that's charming, in't it? WINSTON: Right, here we go.
We're on.
Shut it, tadger.
SHUTTER CLICKS RADIO JINGLE Stay with me, Des Clarke, as we're joined next by Scotland's latest internet sensation.
Des.
Oh! Hi, Winston.
I'm Des.
Hello, son.
Great story, by the way.
Eh? Och, aye.
Well, it's a simple enough story, you know Oh, hold on.
Save it.
Have a seat.
Now, when we come out of this track we're gonnae go live, and I'll ask you about it then.
You've got about 20 seconds.
Oh, and no swearing.
So now's the time to get anything out your system.
Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee, Mr Ingram? Eh, teayou bastard.
Milk and a big shitey spoon o' sugar in it.
Baws, fanny, arsehole.
CHEEKS VIBRATE Right, son, that's me ready.
We are back and blessed indeed to have a phenomenal internet superstar in our company.
As of this morning, the clip of Mr Winston Ingram taking down a bag-snatcher last week has been watched by over 300,000 people.
So, how does it feel, Winston, to go viral? Eh? I'm no' viral.
I have a shower every morning! WINSTON CHUCKLES Tough studio.
Tell us what happened.
Eh, och Quite simple, really.
I seen this bast .
.
eh, fella running away wi' my pal's handbag.
I didnae really think twice about it.
I just took him out wi' my leg.
Och, you've seen it.
Indeed we have.
And Scotland thanks you.
You, Winston, are a national hero.
Now, would you like to stick around and take part in our Pumping Pickle quiz? What? Shut it, tadger! And Scotland does indeed love you.
Look at the phones, they're lighting up here, Winston.
Let's go to the lines and speak to Grant on line 1.
Morning, Grant.
WINSTON: Hello, Grant.
That's us friends of the famous now, in't it? Aye, he'll be rubbing shoulders wi' the Kardoshians and her man that turned into a woman.
Say hello tae ma friends, Brad and George.
Formby? Clooney! Oh, aye.
Aye, the phone is king noo.
How d'you mean? Well, everyone's got one.
Me.
Isa.
Winston.
Tam.
Boabby.
Even Meena's got one.
She only uses it to order Chinese takeaway.
MEENA LAUGHS TRANSLATION: She likes prawns.
Aye.
Well, I guess that makes us a couple of yesterday's men, doesn't it? Aye, well, it's no' for us, that, eh? I'm quite happy being a yesterday's man.
Yeah.
Well, I'm no'.
Neither am I.
You can stick that right up your cardigan.
I mean, look at us the other day, right? I'm in the bookie's.
You're in the baker's.
Now, if we had a couple of phones, we would not have got in that fankle! "Hello, there, Jack.
I'm in the baker's!" "Oh, hello, Victor.
I'm in the bookie's!" "Should you no' be here?" "Yes, I should! "So you stay where you are, because I'm on ma way.
"Do not eat my Beefy Bake!" MIMICS CRACKLING "Sorry, Jack, you're breaking up!" ALL LAUGH Two phones? Two phones! Hmm.
Are you wanting Android or iPhone, 3G or 4G Wi-Fi? I've got 16, 32, 64 GB.
And I can also do you 128, but you're only going to need that if you're storing, like, a lot of music and videos and stuff.
Are ye gonnae use them for streaming? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you just wanting to talk to each other? Aye, son.
Hold on.
Here, you got two o' them Pay As You Goes? MAN: Which one? Ach, any one.
They're two daft old bastards.
There you are.
Two Pay As Ye Go phones.
20 quid each.
Well, welcome to the future! Pure Jetsons! BOTH MIMIC JETSONS' SPACESHIP Ah, The Jetsons Hot dog, son.
LAUGHS What are you laughing at? It's you.
You crack me up.
What, for asking for a hot dog? Tell me what is funny about these three words - hot dog, son? See what I mean? You wanting ketchup? Aye.
Mustard? Aye! You want onions? Is this your first day? Of course I want onions.
Please.
Gie us the line.
Shut it, tadger.
LAUGHS Thanking you.
Right, how much? For you, nothing.
Eh? You're a star, man.
A legend.
A leg-end.
LAUGHS There he is, the man of the hour! Enjoying the spoils of contemporary fame that only the internet could bring.
Eh? A complete stranger bestows a gift upon you in exchange for the privilege of basking in your glow for the briefest of moments.
What are you on about? Observe.
Mate, can I trouble you for a gratis hot dog sandwich? Absolutely not, junkie.
There it is.
Oh, aye.
Aye, I see what you mean, son.
Aye.
Cheers.
What's your next move? There's a young boy, works in Henderson's the bakers, always on his phone.
I think I'll get a sausage roll out of him.
Winston, if there's anything I know about digital fame, it's fleeting.
Do you think Elvis played hayrides and hoedowns all his days? Naw.
Mr Tom Parker took him to Vegas.
And if you're enjoying this amount of fame, and that mustard on your cardigan tells me that you are, then you need to grow it.
Nurture it.
Keep it fresh.
LAUGHS How would I do that? Follow me.
KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE Ooh! Ya bastard.
Jack Jarvis Esquire.
To whom am I speaking? It's your old pal Victor McDade calling you from my mobile device.
Oh, smashing.
Are you in? Yes, I am.
And the door is on the latch, so enter at your leisure.
Entering the apartment now, over.
Ho-ho, I thoroughly enjoyed that! Aye.
These are great, aren't they? But listen, I'm no' keen on my phone when it rings.
Oh, you mean your ringtone? Aye.
I don't like it.
It sounds like the Titanic just before it sank.
You can change that.
Can you? What have you got? Call me.
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE I like that.
Aye, aye, it's a good fit for me, you know.
Suggests a man of action.
Mystery.
Intrigue.
Well, I'll have that as well, then.
Aye.
Naw.
How not? Och, we cannae have the same ringtone, Jack.
That's shite.
The ringtone's an individual thing.
It should say something unique about you! Well, I want mines to uniquely say, "Hello, ladies.
"I'm a widower, and therefore available for dinner or perhaps a little more.
" Do you know what the perfect ringtone for that is, Jack? What? KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE Oh, you bastard.
Are yous in? Oh, yous need to come and see this! Oh.
Oh, look, it's Winston.
Hello, Winston! For God's sake, Jack, it's no' a phone link, it's an uploaded video.
It's an uploaded video, you daftie.
MICK: What are you doing, Winston? The Winston combo roll.
The breakfast of champions.
MICK: That looks bogging.
You live under a bridge! That's bogging! Anyway, shut up and get in! It's me they're tuning in to see.
Now, a lot of people have been contacting me, tweeting me and FaceChatting me and certain things like that, to see how I keep my strength up.
And here it is.
Come in, you eejit, come in, closer to the pan.
MICK: There's too much oil in there.
What would you know about cooking? Apart fae cooking wi' a spoon? BOTH LAUGH Right, back to the pan.
Now, here we go.
You take your flat sausage and you stick it there.
Always flat, mind, because if you use links they roll off the roll.
So, you put your flat sausage on the tattie-scone bed and then finally .
.
you top it with a fried egg.
A wee bit o' white pepper and the secret ingredient, Tabasco.
That looks absolutely delicious.
Right, here we go.
MICK LAUGHS Shut it, you.
Get me a towel.
MICK LAUGHS Right.
And what? Well, that's just Winston doing what he normally does.
I mean, who's interested in watching that? Who's interested? Everybody.
He only put that up this morning.
That'll go up to a million, that.
What's that there? Click that.
There you go.
MUSIC Oh, dear.
Oh, my God! Get that off my computer! You'll have the polis at my door! Right, that one.
Wait a minute.
Click it, click it! I can still see it! What did you click?! "Like".
Oh, my God.
A million views.
For bursting an egg? A million-and-a-half, and rising.
That's your problem wi' the modern world.
You can get famous for doing nothing.
See, in the old days, you had to have talent.
You had to do everything.
Your Forsyths, your Basseys, your Pasquales.
He just had the daft voice.
That's more than Winston's got.
Aye, well, anyroads We want some of that and we're going to do it better.
What are you two daft old buggers gonnae dae wi' phones? Call each other a hearse? How many contacts do you have? Eh Let me see noo.
Code.
Contacts.
Contacts, contacts.
One.
Let me guess.
Jack? Aye.
And would your secret passcode be 1234? Naw.
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE Excuse me.
Oh, who could it be? Hello, Jack.
How are you, my friend? Good.
Are you, aye? Good for you.
What are you wanting? Pint of lager for Jack, please, Boabby.
These are bloody brilliant.
You can still talk even when you're doing a pish! Here, Jack, how many contacts do you have? Oh, right.
Eh CHUCKLES Ehehone.
Aye, you should have went to Toys R Us and got yourselves a pair of weans' walkie-talkies, you couple of wallopers.
Boys, are yous wanting to add me to your contacts? BOTH: Sure! Are yous wanting my contact details, boys? BOTH: Naw.
Right, I've sent my number to both of your numbers.
PHONES CHIME How do you know our numbers? How did I know your numbers? ISA CHUCKLES See? There you are, Boabby.
We'll build up our contacts, especially when we go virile.
Viral, Jack.
What did I say? Virile.
Aye, you've not got whatever Winston's got.
Shut your hole.
We've got it in spades.
How hard can it be? My favourite one of them is when the wee boy bites the other - wee boy's finger.
- Aye.
Oh, no, no, I like the newsreader boy when his family all burst in behind him.
This is my favourite.
Cliff diver.
Misses the water completely.
CRUNCH BOTH: Ohh! Oh, ye sick bastard! Why would you watch that? Cos it's funny.
Look at him.
He's just mush! Eight million views! Right, that's what we'll do, then.
I'll get Victor to film me stepping out in front of an 89 bus and getting splattered.
I mean, who would watch that? Me, eight million times.
Here he is! Scotland's Angry Grandpa! Aye, that's what they're calling you! Aye, that's ma gimmick, boys.
BOABBY: Goldie? Certainly not.
Mineral water.
Got to watch the weight.
- Camera adds 20lb.
- Mineral water, eh? Listen to this one.
He's went all Hollywood! You'll be forgetting your pals next.
Eh - Tam, isn't it? - "Isn't it"?! I'm only winding you up.
It's good to see ye.
Aye.
WINSTON CHUCKLES - W-W-What's this? - Eh? I've no' got malaria.
Oh, I know, I know, but the thing is, you see, I've been shaking that many paws, you know, you've got to be safe.
I mean, you just don't know what's out there.
I'll tell you this, you think you're a big shot.
- There's no money in it.
- Is there no'? Opened that new bingo hall on Carson Street this morning.
500 quid.
Cash in hand.
Let's face it, boys.
You're analogueand I'm digital.
Winston.
What? Can we add you as a contact? Shut it, tadgers! How do we even get this up onto the World Wide Web? It's called top-loading.
We don't need to worry about that.
Isa's going to help us by top-loading it into the clouds, or something.
Are wewe ready? Ready, let's do this.
What are you doing, old pal? Just feeding the ducks.
Hey, hey, classic.
Sick.
Oh, there's the wind blew my bunnet off.
That's embarrassing.
I hope you weren't filming that.
BOTH LAUGH Right, we're done.
CHUCKLES Gold.
Oh, aye.
KNOCK ON DOOR TV: .
.
Race today we've got eight runners and it's the 17.
45.
KNOCKING CONTINUES This better be good.
We need to make a new video.
Not good enough.
BANGING ON DOOR SIGHS Don't do a PSY.
I'm sighing because I need to watch my race.
There's a special horse in it.
Naw.
Don't do a PSY - the South Korean overnight sensation.
See if I knew what you were talking about, I'd be interested, but I'm no'.
See PSY? See PSY? Aye, see PSY? See PSY, see PSY by the seashore.
Why are you still on my doorstep? PSY had it all.
Mad wee dance.
Gangnam Style.
Wee lasso.
The whole world loved it.
PSY's big boss is like that.
"What's next?" PSY's like that ".
.
Is this no' enough?" PSY's boss is like that.
"Naw.
" PSY's like that.
Raging.
Next thing you know, he'she's binned.
Like a pumpkin on November 1st! LAUGHS Right.
I caught PSY and something about a pumpkin.
Now, my horse is running, and I need to see it! What I'm saying is, don't be a cautionary tale.
A one-hit wonder.
You'll need to come up with something better than, "Shut it, tadger.
" TV: .
.
and it's Shut It, Tadger by a length from Jacamo Sprint in second and Old Dumbarton in third.
I had a tenner on my Tadger.
ISA: It's a hit.
Oh, yes, eh? We're a hit! Naw.
You've got one hit.
And that was me checking I've uploaded it properly.
Oh, well, we're humped.
Hold on, Jack.
If you throw one dart and miss the board, what does that tell you? Well, it means that you're shite at darts.
Naw! You throw another.
Then another.
Then another one after that.
And you keep throwing them until You have to take the dartboard down and re-paper the wall cos it's full o' wee holes.
MUSIC: Fame And Fortune by Elvis Presley # Fame and fortune # How empty they can be # But when I hold you in my arms # That's a heaven to me # Who cares for fame and fortune? # They're only passing things # But the touch of your lips on mine Fame and fortune ISA: Ice bucket challenge.
Wee bit passe, boys.
Time to chuck the darts.
Neither of you is a Jocky Wilson.
Hello, boys.
Here, do you want me to do the line? Aye, go well! Shut it, tadger.
BOYS LAUGH SOFTLY We were actually watching this guy.
He's fae Paisley.
He's brilliant, that old duffer, in't he, man? That's the ticket! BOYS LAUGH - Funny, in't he? - Are you the Angry Grandpa? Yes, I am.
Shut it, tadger.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, right.
Would you mind coming to the opening of the community centre tonight, saying a few words? We don't have much money.
Eh, probably 200? 200 is fine.
Great, see you later.
Did yous hear that, eh? £200.
That's the ticket! WINSTON CHUCKLES What are we celebrating? Getting out of the fame game.
Face it, Jack.
Boabby was right.
Winston has got something that we don't.
Winston's got talent.
Cheers, you tomato-faced X Factor bastard, you.
Phones out.
Aye.
PHONE DIALS PHONE RINGS Look what I've dug oot.
CHUCKLES Oh, is that the old wedding album? It is, aye.
C'mon, we'll gie ourselves a wee laugh, eh? Cheer ourselves up.
Aye.
CHUCKLES Eh, huh? Look at the colour o' my hair there, eh? Look at the lassies.
I miss my Jean, you know.
TEARFULLY: I miss my Betty.
SOBS BOTH SOB SOBBING CONTINUES Those poor men.
I need to share this.
CHATTER Eh, ladies and gentlemen, a bit of quiet, please.
A bit of hush.
Thank you.
Uh Here he is, to open our newly refurbished community centre, the one and only Scotland's Angry Grandpa! Hey-hey-hey! How are yous? It's good to be here! Stinking! Shut it, tadger? That's ancient patter! My da's into that shite! Eh Eh That's the ticket! - Naw! - Patter thief! Patter blagger, ye old shagger! ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Get off of the stage, you fat bastard! This boy's got no new patter! Why are we even here? Wait a minute, eh, I've got it! I've got it.
Eh, everybody shush the now.
Eh Clock these scissors, they're no' blunt.
It's not "shut it, tadger", it's "shut up" BANG! How? Victor.
Victor.
Victor.
GASPS Oh, my heid.
I thought you were away there.
SIGHS Probable cause of death - sesh.
LAUGHS FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE Oh.
Hello.
No, I'm not interested.
Goodbye.
SIGHS Who's phoning you? CNN.
That's you, boys.
You've made it.
Ten million hits.
BOTH SOB BOTH WAIL MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY Oompa loompa Craiglang style! Are we done? We are most definitely done.
Behold.
Winston Ingram.
Craiglang's very own Ninja.
Hello, Winston.
Knew it was you without even looking.
Old Spice, stale beer and stinking socks.
Your hallmark.
Bun.
Oh, ya wee bastard, ye! Ma bag, ma bag! Winston, help! Isa's bag! Isa's bag! Get him, ya wan-legged, pot-bellied, lazy wanker, ye! What are you gonnae do, chase me? MOCKING LAUGH DIDGERIDOO MUSIC Oh! Shut it, tadger.
Ma hero! Any time.
Oh! Oh LIFT BELL DINGS Ho! Where the hell have you been? What do you mean, where the hell have I been? I've been at the bookie's putting on a line.
I always go to the bookie's on a Wednesday.
Aye, aye, except it's Thursday.
Ohh! And we go and we buy two Beefy Bakes on a Thursday out of Henderson's and tan them before we get to the Clansman.
So as not to annoy Boabby.
Because his pies are pish.
Correct.
So What? Where's ma Beefy Bake? Ach, I've ate them, Jack.
You weren't at the designated meet point.
Well, all I know is, you've designated ma Beefy Bake doon your neck, you skinny fat rat, you! This is chaos.
We're gonnae have tae communicate better.
Well, how about we communicate like this? Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.
You know what that is? That's Morse code for "greedy arsehole"! LOW GROWLING What are ye staring at? Raw man.
All man.
You're just what Craiglang needs.
Oh, you've got me all going.
GROANS Jesus.
Well, gonnae get going and gie me some space? Oh, I've got a space for you.
Wrap that.
You're giving me the boak.
SHE GROANS GROANING STOPS Och no, Isa.
You've bought me plenty.
Ach, go on.
Just one more pint.
No, I'm half-cut already.
You don't have the money.
Oh, I've got the money, all right! Right here in this purse.
Thanks to you.
You're a hero! Like Batman! Batman? That's right.
I'm Robbin'.
Oh, look who it is! Thelma and Louise! Aye, well, we'd be happy to drive off the end o' a cliff to get away fae your patter.
Two pints, prick! There you are.
Listen, there's a bunch of weans outside asking for you.
What for? Well, they just said, "Could you please send out Mr Ingram?" What did you say? I said, "Away hame and get to your beds.
"You've got school in the morning, you wee fannies.
" Oddly, that didn't work, so they're still there.
ALL CHEER Can we get a selfie? What? You want me to take a photo of you? No, you wi' us, you silly old duffer.
Oi! Hey, hey! W-W-What do you want a photo wi' me for? Are you at the wind-up? Naw.
We seen what you done to that bag-snatcher.
Took your leg off and knocked that guy oot.
Actual legend.
Actual sick, man.
I filmed you fae o'er there.
Look.
Oh, watch this, boys.
Oh, that boy's snatched ma bag.
Noo he's running away.
There's Winston taking his leg aff.
Gonnae wrap it, missus, wi' the running commentary? The video speaks for itself.
Aye.
Cheeky wee article.
JACK: Oh, ho, eh! Look at that.
Ho-ho, bull's-eye! WINSTON: Shut it, tadger! BOYS CHUCKLE That is brilliant, Winston! Aye, you're like Dirty Harry! Aye, more like Manky Winston! ALL LAUGH So? What? So what? Can we get a selfie? Eh, aye, I suppose so.
Right, are you wanting us in it, then? Naw.
Yous are nobodies and you'll be dead soon.
Oh, well, that's charming, in't it? WINSTON: Right, here we go.
We're on.
Shut it, tadger.
SHUTTER CLICKS RADIO JINGLE Stay with me, Des Clarke, as we're joined next by Scotland's latest internet sensation.
Des.
Oh! Hi, Winston.
I'm Des.
Hello, son.
Great story, by the way.
Eh? Och, aye.
Well, it's a simple enough story, you know Oh, hold on.
Save it.
Have a seat.
Now, when we come out of this track we're gonnae go live, and I'll ask you about it then.
You've got about 20 seconds.
Oh, and no swearing.
So now's the time to get anything out your system.
Can I get you a cup of tea or coffee, Mr Ingram? Eh, teayou bastard.
Milk and a big shitey spoon o' sugar in it.
Baws, fanny, arsehole.
CHEEKS VIBRATE Right, son, that's me ready.
We are back and blessed indeed to have a phenomenal internet superstar in our company.
As of this morning, the clip of Mr Winston Ingram taking down a bag-snatcher last week has been watched by over 300,000 people.
So, how does it feel, Winston, to go viral? Eh? I'm no' viral.
I have a shower every morning! WINSTON CHUCKLES Tough studio.
Tell us what happened.
Eh, och Quite simple, really.
I seen this bast .
.
eh, fella running away wi' my pal's handbag.
I didnae really think twice about it.
I just took him out wi' my leg.
Och, you've seen it.
Indeed we have.
And Scotland thanks you.
You, Winston, are a national hero.
Now, would you like to stick around and take part in our Pumping Pickle quiz? What? Shut it, tadger! And Scotland does indeed love you.
Look at the phones, they're lighting up here, Winston.
Let's go to the lines and speak to Grant on line 1.
Morning, Grant.
WINSTON: Hello, Grant.
That's us friends of the famous now, in't it? Aye, he'll be rubbing shoulders wi' the Kardoshians and her man that turned into a woman.
Say hello tae ma friends, Brad and George.
Formby? Clooney! Oh, aye.
Aye, the phone is king noo.
How d'you mean? Well, everyone's got one.
Me.
Isa.
Winston.
Tam.
Boabby.
Even Meena's got one.
She only uses it to order Chinese takeaway.
MEENA LAUGHS TRANSLATION: She likes prawns.
Aye.
Well, I guess that makes us a couple of yesterday's men, doesn't it? Aye, well, it's no' for us, that, eh? I'm quite happy being a yesterday's man.
Yeah.
Well, I'm no'.
Neither am I.
You can stick that right up your cardigan.
I mean, look at us the other day, right? I'm in the bookie's.
You're in the baker's.
Now, if we had a couple of phones, we would not have got in that fankle! "Hello, there, Jack.
I'm in the baker's!" "Oh, hello, Victor.
I'm in the bookie's!" "Should you no' be here?" "Yes, I should! "So you stay where you are, because I'm on ma way.
"Do not eat my Beefy Bake!" MIMICS CRACKLING "Sorry, Jack, you're breaking up!" ALL LAUGH Two phones? Two phones! Hmm.
Are you wanting Android or iPhone, 3G or 4G Wi-Fi? I've got 16, 32, 64 GB.
And I can also do you 128, but you're only going to need that if you're storing, like, a lot of music and videos and stuff.
Are ye gonnae use them for streaming? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you just wanting to talk to each other? Aye, son.
Hold on.
Here, you got two o' them Pay As You Goes? MAN: Which one? Ach, any one.
They're two daft old bastards.
There you are.
Two Pay As Ye Go phones.
20 quid each.
Well, welcome to the future! Pure Jetsons! BOTH MIMIC JETSONS' SPACESHIP Ah, The Jetsons Hot dog, son.
LAUGHS What are you laughing at? It's you.
You crack me up.
What, for asking for a hot dog? Tell me what is funny about these three words - hot dog, son? See what I mean? You wanting ketchup? Aye.
Mustard? Aye! You want onions? Is this your first day? Of course I want onions.
Please.
Gie us the line.
Shut it, tadger.
LAUGHS Thanking you.
Right, how much? For you, nothing.
Eh? You're a star, man.
A legend.
A leg-end.
LAUGHS There he is, the man of the hour! Enjoying the spoils of contemporary fame that only the internet could bring.
Eh? A complete stranger bestows a gift upon you in exchange for the privilege of basking in your glow for the briefest of moments.
What are you on about? Observe.
Mate, can I trouble you for a gratis hot dog sandwich? Absolutely not, junkie.
There it is.
Oh, aye.
Aye, I see what you mean, son.
Aye.
Cheers.
What's your next move? There's a young boy, works in Henderson's the bakers, always on his phone.
I think I'll get a sausage roll out of him.
Winston, if there's anything I know about digital fame, it's fleeting.
Do you think Elvis played hayrides and hoedowns all his days? Naw.
Mr Tom Parker took him to Vegas.
And if you're enjoying this amount of fame, and that mustard on your cardigan tells me that you are, then you need to grow it.
Nurture it.
Keep it fresh.
LAUGHS How would I do that? Follow me.
KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE Ooh! Ya bastard.
Jack Jarvis Esquire.
To whom am I speaking? It's your old pal Victor McDade calling you from my mobile device.
Oh, smashing.
Are you in? Yes, I am.
And the door is on the latch, so enter at your leisure.
Entering the apartment now, over.
Ho-ho, I thoroughly enjoyed that! Aye.
These are great, aren't they? But listen, I'm no' keen on my phone when it rings.
Oh, you mean your ringtone? Aye.
I don't like it.
It sounds like the Titanic just before it sank.
You can change that.
Can you? What have you got? Call me.
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE I like that.
Aye, aye, it's a good fit for me, you know.
Suggests a man of action.
Mystery.
Intrigue.
Well, I'll have that as well, then.
Aye.
Naw.
How not? Och, we cannae have the same ringtone, Jack.
That's shite.
The ringtone's an individual thing.
It should say something unique about you! Well, I want mines to uniquely say, "Hello, ladies.
"I'm a widower, and therefore available for dinner or perhaps a little more.
" Do you know what the perfect ringtone for that is, Jack? What? KLAXON-LIKE RINGTONE Oh, you bastard.
Are yous in? Oh, yous need to come and see this! Oh.
Oh, look, it's Winston.
Hello, Winston! For God's sake, Jack, it's no' a phone link, it's an uploaded video.
It's an uploaded video, you daftie.
MICK: What are you doing, Winston? The Winston combo roll.
The breakfast of champions.
MICK: That looks bogging.
You live under a bridge! That's bogging! Anyway, shut up and get in! It's me they're tuning in to see.
Now, a lot of people have been contacting me, tweeting me and FaceChatting me and certain things like that, to see how I keep my strength up.
And here it is.
Come in, you eejit, come in, closer to the pan.
MICK: There's too much oil in there.
What would you know about cooking? Apart fae cooking wi' a spoon? BOTH LAUGH Right, back to the pan.
Now, here we go.
You take your flat sausage and you stick it there.
Always flat, mind, because if you use links they roll off the roll.
So, you put your flat sausage on the tattie-scone bed and then finally .
.
you top it with a fried egg.
A wee bit o' white pepper and the secret ingredient, Tabasco.
That looks absolutely delicious.
Right, here we go.
MICK LAUGHS Shut it, you.
Get me a towel.
MICK LAUGHS Right.
And what? Well, that's just Winston doing what he normally does.
I mean, who's interested in watching that? Who's interested? Everybody.
He only put that up this morning.
That'll go up to a million, that.
What's that there? Click that.
There you go.
MUSIC Oh, dear.
Oh, my God! Get that off my computer! You'll have the polis at my door! Right, that one.
Wait a minute.
Click it, click it! I can still see it! What did you click?! "Like".
Oh, my God.
A million views.
For bursting an egg? A million-and-a-half, and rising.
That's your problem wi' the modern world.
You can get famous for doing nothing.
See, in the old days, you had to have talent.
You had to do everything.
Your Forsyths, your Basseys, your Pasquales.
He just had the daft voice.
That's more than Winston's got.
Aye, well, anyroads We want some of that and we're going to do it better.
What are you two daft old buggers gonnae dae wi' phones? Call each other a hearse? How many contacts do you have? Eh Let me see noo.
Code.
Contacts.
Contacts, contacts.
One.
Let me guess.
Jack? Aye.
And would your secret passcode be 1234? Naw.
FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE Excuse me.
Oh, who could it be? Hello, Jack.
How are you, my friend? Good.
Are you, aye? Good for you.
What are you wanting? Pint of lager for Jack, please, Boabby.
These are bloody brilliant.
You can still talk even when you're doing a pish! Here, Jack, how many contacts do you have? Oh, right.
Eh CHUCKLES Ehehone.
Aye, you should have went to Toys R Us and got yourselves a pair of weans' walkie-talkies, you couple of wallopers.
Boys, are yous wanting to add me to your contacts? BOTH: Sure! Are yous wanting my contact details, boys? BOTH: Naw.
Right, I've sent my number to both of your numbers.
PHONES CHIME How do you know our numbers? How did I know your numbers? ISA CHUCKLES See? There you are, Boabby.
We'll build up our contacts, especially when we go virile.
Viral, Jack.
What did I say? Virile.
Aye, you've not got whatever Winston's got.
Shut your hole.
We've got it in spades.
How hard can it be? My favourite one of them is when the wee boy bites the other - wee boy's finger.
- Aye.
Oh, no, no, I like the newsreader boy when his family all burst in behind him.
This is my favourite.
Cliff diver.
Misses the water completely.
CRUNCH BOTH: Ohh! Oh, ye sick bastard! Why would you watch that? Cos it's funny.
Look at him.
He's just mush! Eight million views! Right, that's what we'll do, then.
I'll get Victor to film me stepping out in front of an 89 bus and getting splattered.
I mean, who would watch that? Me, eight million times.
Here he is! Scotland's Angry Grandpa! Aye, that's what they're calling you! Aye, that's ma gimmick, boys.
BOABBY: Goldie? Certainly not.
Mineral water.
Got to watch the weight.
- Camera adds 20lb.
- Mineral water, eh? Listen to this one.
He's went all Hollywood! You'll be forgetting your pals next.
Eh - Tam, isn't it? - "Isn't it"?! I'm only winding you up.
It's good to see ye.
Aye.
WINSTON CHUCKLES - W-W-What's this? - Eh? I've no' got malaria.
Oh, I know, I know, but the thing is, you see, I've been shaking that many paws, you know, you've got to be safe.
I mean, you just don't know what's out there.
I'll tell you this, you think you're a big shot.
- There's no money in it.
- Is there no'? Opened that new bingo hall on Carson Street this morning.
500 quid.
Cash in hand.
Let's face it, boys.
You're analogueand I'm digital.
Winston.
What? Can we add you as a contact? Shut it, tadgers! How do we even get this up onto the World Wide Web? It's called top-loading.
We don't need to worry about that.
Isa's going to help us by top-loading it into the clouds, or something.
Are wewe ready? Ready, let's do this.
What are you doing, old pal? Just feeding the ducks.
Hey, hey, classic.
Sick.
Oh, there's the wind blew my bunnet off.
That's embarrassing.
I hope you weren't filming that.
BOTH LAUGH Right, we're done.
CHUCKLES Gold.
Oh, aye.
KNOCK ON DOOR TV: .
.
Race today we've got eight runners and it's the 17.
45.
KNOCKING CONTINUES This better be good.
We need to make a new video.
Not good enough.
BANGING ON DOOR SIGHS Don't do a PSY.
I'm sighing because I need to watch my race.
There's a special horse in it.
Naw.
Don't do a PSY - the South Korean overnight sensation.
See if I knew what you were talking about, I'd be interested, but I'm no'.
See PSY? See PSY? Aye, see PSY? See PSY, see PSY by the seashore.
Why are you still on my doorstep? PSY had it all.
Mad wee dance.
Gangnam Style.
Wee lasso.
The whole world loved it.
PSY's big boss is like that.
"What's next?" PSY's like that ".
.
Is this no' enough?" PSY's boss is like that.
"Naw.
" PSY's like that.
Raging.
Next thing you know, he'she's binned.
Like a pumpkin on November 1st! LAUGHS Right.
I caught PSY and something about a pumpkin.
Now, my horse is running, and I need to see it! What I'm saying is, don't be a cautionary tale.
A one-hit wonder.
You'll need to come up with something better than, "Shut it, tadger.
" TV: .
.
and it's Shut It, Tadger by a length from Jacamo Sprint in second and Old Dumbarton in third.
I had a tenner on my Tadger.
ISA: It's a hit.
Oh, yes, eh? We're a hit! Naw.
You've got one hit.
And that was me checking I've uploaded it properly.
Oh, well, we're humped.
Hold on, Jack.
If you throw one dart and miss the board, what does that tell you? Well, it means that you're shite at darts.
Naw! You throw another.
Then another.
Then another one after that.
And you keep throwing them until You have to take the dartboard down and re-paper the wall cos it's full o' wee holes.
MUSIC: Fame And Fortune by Elvis Presley # Fame and fortune # How empty they can be # But when I hold you in my arms # That's a heaven to me # Who cares for fame and fortune? # They're only passing things # But the touch of your lips on mine Fame and fortune ISA: Ice bucket challenge.
Wee bit passe, boys.
Time to chuck the darts.
Neither of you is a Jocky Wilson.
Hello, boys.
Here, do you want me to do the line? Aye, go well! Shut it, tadger.
BOYS LAUGH SOFTLY We were actually watching this guy.
He's fae Paisley.
He's brilliant, that old duffer, in't he, man? That's the ticket! BOYS LAUGH - Funny, in't he? - Are you the Angry Grandpa? Yes, I am.
Shut it, tadger.
Pleased to meet you.
Oh, right.
Would you mind coming to the opening of the community centre tonight, saying a few words? We don't have much money.
Eh, probably 200? 200 is fine.
Great, see you later.
Did yous hear that, eh? £200.
That's the ticket! WINSTON CHUCKLES What are we celebrating? Getting out of the fame game.
Face it, Jack.
Boabby was right.
Winston has got something that we don't.
Winston's got talent.
Cheers, you tomato-faced X Factor bastard, you.
Phones out.
Aye.
PHONE DIALS PHONE RINGS Look what I've dug oot.
CHUCKLES Oh, is that the old wedding album? It is, aye.
C'mon, we'll gie ourselves a wee laugh, eh? Cheer ourselves up.
Aye.
CHUCKLES Eh, huh? Look at the colour o' my hair there, eh? Look at the lassies.
I miss my Jean, you know.
TEARFULLY: I miss my Betty.
SOBS BOTH SOB SOBBING CONTINUES Those poor men.
I need to share this.
CHATTER Eh, ladies and gentlemen, a bit of quiet, please.
A bit of hush.
Thank you.
Uh Here he is, to open our newly refurbished community centre, the one and only Scotland's Angry Grandpa! Hey-hey-hey! How are yous? It's good to be here! Stinking! Shut it, tadger? That's ancient patter! My da's into that shite! Eh Eh That's the ticket! - Naw! - Patter thief! Patter blagger, ye old shagger! ELECTRONIC SPEECH: Get off of the stage, you fat bastard! This boy's got no new patter! Why are we even here? Wait a minute, eh, I've got it! I've got it.
Eh, everybody shush the now.
Eh Clock these scissors, they're no' blunt.
It's not "shut it, tadger", it's "shut up" BANG! How? Victor.
Victor.
Victor.
GASPS Oh, my heid.
I thought you were away there.
SIGHS Probable cause of death - sesh.
LAUGHS FUNKY MUSICAL RINGTONE Oh.
Hello.
No, I'm not interested.
Goodbye.
SIGHS Who's phoning you? CNN.
That's you, boys.
You've made it.
Ten million hits.
BOTH SOB BOTH WAIL MUSIC: Gangnam Style by PSY Oompa loompa Craiglang style! Are we done? We are most definitely done.