All In The Family s09e02 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls, and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days I don't know.
This here partnership insurance costs an arm and a leg.
Yeah, but it protects you both in case, God forbid, you should-- in case something should happen to either one of you.
What you mean is one of us gets 50 grand if the other one kicks the bucket.
No.
What I mean is in case, God forbid, either one of you should, uh, uh Die! Why the hell is it so hard for youse insurance guys to say die? Because if someone dies, they got to pay off.
- Right? - Ohh.
No, no, no, no.
That's not the reason.
Our company would be very happy to pay off.
Yeah, God forbid.
Listen, why don't you guys fill out the application, sign 'em, and bring 'em around with your checks tomorrow morning, huh? Hey, Mr.
Stanley, when will we know? Uh, I'll see you right after your physical.
Okay, all right.
Thanks a lot, Mr.
Stanley.
In the meantime, whatever you do, don't let anything happen to ya.
God forbid.
What he means is don't drop dead before he collects his commission.
Want a beer? No.
I never drink beer Well, when I give the doctor my specimen, I don't want it to have a head on.
Now here we go.
"Did you ever have ulcer, gall bladder, "colitis, hepatitis, stones or infection, epilepsy, convulsion, cancer," uh, "cysts, skin disorder, or allergy?" Do I have any of them? No! Well, now, "Did you ever have--" Uhhn-uhhn.
Holy cow, look at the way they spell "hemorrhoods.
" Two "H's," two "M's," and two "R's.
" Geez, it looks as bad as it feels.
Mmm Sure, do anything you want.
EDITH: Archie! Time to get up! Wake up, wake up, wake up! - It's 9:00! - Aah! Gee, Edith, don't yell! I don't have to be down to the saloon till 1! Come on, you gotta take your physical.
- She's hittin' me here! - Come on! It was right in the middle of Alice Faye again.
Archie, you got to go to the bathroom I know that, Edith.
I don't got to go bad.
No, don't go back to sleep! Now, come on.
Stop tickling.
You want me to go in the bed? No! See? I brought you a nice mayonnaise jar.
Whatever for? Well, you know.
See? I left the label on it so people won't know.
Edith, when you go for an insurance physical exam, you don't take it with ya.
You make it there.
Oh, why is that? Well, in the first place, they want fresh.
Oh.
And then it keeps people from cheatin', you know? I mean, a guy could take his best pal's mayonnaise jar.
You follow me? Oh Oh Geez, I hate goin' to any doctor.
Oh, Archie, you'll be all right.
You're gonna pass the test 'cause you're in good health.
You eat like a horse, and your blood pressure is down, and your gall bladder don't bother ya no more.
Well, it shouldn't, Edith.
They ripped it outta me two years ago.
Oh, that's right! Geez, help me, Lord.
Hey, Harry, I don't like to say nothin', - but that is the third shot-- - Fourth! fourth shot of bourbon you took in the last three minutes.
I can't help it, Arch.
I'm nervous.
When are we gonna hear the results of the physical? Hey, fellas, what's this all about? BOTH: Mind your own business.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Please, huh? If you're gonna drink yourself to death, wait till after we get the insurance policy, so I can cash in on ya.
Oh, partnership insurance.
Hey, that's a good-- BOTH: Shut up.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Ah, at last, Mr.
Stanley.
Hey, how are you? Mr.
Bunker, Mr.
Snowden.
- I got some great news for all of us.
- Have you, really? Everything is fine .
Everything is wonderful.
There is just one little problem.
- What? What? - What? Shut up, shut up.
What? What? Well, the doctor found something he didn't like on one of the X-rays.
Oh, Harry.
Oh, geez.
Take it easy, Mr.
Snowden.
Yeah, take it easy, Harry.
Yeah.
'Cause you're not the one with the problem.
See? You're not even the one with the problem.
What is the problem? Nothing.
Nothing to worry about.
- What is it? - It's really nothing.
What is it? Well, look, the doc says he saw a little thing that showed up on your X-ray.
Now, it could be a smudge or a shadow.
Maybe a fly got on the lens.
Or it could be a little spot on your liver.
- A spot--? - Now, don't be upset because a lot of spots are not--are not malignant.
I mean, and even if it is, God forbid, it could still be treated.
BOTH: Yeah! Unless it's too far gone.
BOTH: Oh.
Then you can have an operation.
BOTH: Yeah! Unless it's too far gone.
BOTH: Oh.
Hey, wait a minute.
What about a liver transplant? Yeah! They don't do that yet.
They don't do that yet? What are you talking about? They do all kinds of things today.
They can do anything.
I mean, they can move anything.
They can change anything.
They can change your face.
They can change your plumbing.
They changed a woman into a man.
They changed a man into a woman into a tennis player.
The other day, look what they done.
They made a baby in a shot glass or something.
Yeah, it's what they call artificial separation.
So why the hell can't they transplant one lousy liver there? Or at least invent a spot remover.
Come on, Stanley, what the hell are we paying our taxes for? Mr.
Bunker, don't jump to conclusions before we double check.
Now, I've arranged an appointment for more tests tomorrow.
- Same place-- - ARCHIE: Oh same place at 9:00.
And until then, all we can do is to keep our fingers crossed.
And let's look at it this way.
Even if the worst thing happens, God forbid, you're still way ahead of the game.
How? Well, a guy gets a heart attack or a stroke, he goes like that.
I've seen that, yeah.
This way, you got time to plan for the end, straighten out your affairs, settle things with your loved ones.
I can't even tell 'em.
Settle accounts with your friends.
They owe me.
I gotta be going.
I'll see ya.
I'll see you around, Mr.
Snowden.
And, Bunker Yeah? Oh, geez.
[HUMMING.]
Hi, Edith.
Ain't that funny? I knew there was something wrong in this room.
So I turned around, and there you was.
Oh, well, what are you doing home so early? Oh, I just wanted to run home and give you a little something, that's all.
- Oh - Yeah.
[GASP.]
Oh, Archie! Chocolate! - Hah? - Ohh! Wait a minute, Edith.
Just, uh--move your-- Yeah, a little bit there.
Yeah, now Oh, thank you.
Wait, wait.
We can't-- Where's what's-her-name, huh? - Stephanie? - Yeah, whatever.
She's upstairs watching TV and doing her homework.
Oh, well, leave her there then.
Ohh.
Look, what is this for? Ohh You got a good report from the doctor.
Oh, I got a report from the doctor all right.
Ohh.
Yeah, but go on, open the box, huh? Go ahead, go ahead.
Let's live it up, huh? [GIGGLING.]
'Cause you know the old saying, "Eat, drink, and be married 'cause tomorrow we're dead.
" Ohh.
I know another saying.
We don't need no other saying.
Today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday.
- Oh.
- Ah, yeah.
That was from BOTH: The Reader's Digest.
- Ohh! - Ah, ha! Here, you can have one piece.
Oh, no, no! You first, honey.
- Oh, thank you.
- There.
Go ahead.
Ah - Mmm! - Huh? Huh? Yeah.
- Mmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hah? Oh, never put a half of one back in there, Edith.
No, no.
Go ahead.
No, no.
You do whatever you want, darling.
Oh, mmm.
- Anything you want.
- Mmm! But don't do it too much, see? I don't want you to spoil your appetite.
I'm gonna take you out for dinner.
But it's the middle of the week.
But, Edith, we ain't gonna live by the calendar no more.
What about my meatloaf? I got it in the oven.
The meatloaf-- leave it for leftovers.
Meatloaf is leftovers.
Yeah, well, yeah.
That's true, Edith.
But just-- just leave it there for what's-her-name to eat.
- Stephanie.
- Yeah, yeah, whatever.
She'll eat it all.
Now, come on, Edith.
Let me get up.
Here.
[GRUNTS.]
While I go upstairs and change my clothes, see, you get on the telephone, you call Sybil Gooley-- come over to babysit with what's-her-name, huh? - Stephanie! - Whatever.
Say it--Stephanie.
Oh, Edith, please, you know I ain't so good even with easy names.
Don't try to make me say Stephanie, huh? Oh! Call Sybil, call Sybil.
I'll be right down.
Call her up.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
ARCHIE: Whoever that is at the front door, Edith, tell 'em go to hell, huh? Excuse me.
Coming! Oh, hi, Barney! Come on in.
Yeah, hello, Edith.
Tell me, is Archie still around? Yeah, but he won't be around for long 'cause-- I know, I know.
Harry told me.
Oh, Harry knows? That's nice.
Even Hank knows.
Hank, too, really? Listen.
Listen to me, Edith.
When the time comes, and you feel you need to lean on someone, I want you to know that this shoulder, this shoulder right here will be available for ya at all times.
What are you talking about, Barney? Edith, honey, you don't have to pretend to be brave in front of me! - I know.
- What do you know? Don't you know? No, I don't-- Oh, well, I'd better be goin'.
I'm always runnin' off-- Wait a minute, Barney.
Uh, if you know somethin' that I'm supposed to know that I don't know, then I want to know what I'm supposed to know that I don't know.
Believe me, Edith, it's better that you don't know.
Has this got something to do with Archie's physical? Look, Edith, there's nothin' to worry about.
Now, Archie's goin' to the doctor tomorrow for a few more X-rays.
He didn't tell me.
There's an outside chance that it won't be malignant.
Malignant? What? [WHISPERS.]
The spot on his liver! ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! I'll be down to get you in a taxi.
Honey, whoop-dee-doo.
Listen to him up there, brave to the end! What a guy! Say good-bye to him for me, Edith, will ya? I--I-- I mean, hello.
I mean-- I don't know! ARCHIE: Okay, Edith.
Here I am.
All set to go, huh? Hey, look me over, huh? What do you think? I ain't wore that suit in a year, and it still fits, which proves I ain't lost a pound, huh? You look adorable.
Yeah, thanks.
You know, I'm kinda gettin' to like this suit.
This is a very nice suit to go out in.
Oh, did you make up your mind where you want to go for chow? Oh, Archie, do you mind if we don't go out to dinner? I--I don't want to go to a restaurant with a bunch of people.
I--I want you all to myself.
Oh, you do, huh? Well, yeah, all right, Edith.
If that's what you want, yeah.
Yeah I'd like that, too.
I'll just go upstairs and get undressed for dinner.
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
Oh, I didn't mean I was gonna come down and eat naked or anything.
I just thought I'd put on the old clothes for the meatloaf.
Hey, get on the blower.
Call Sybil Gooley.
As long as we're takin' care of the kid ourselves, we don't want to get stuck with Sybil, too.
Go ahead.
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Did you like the meatloaf? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the meatloaf was lovely, Edith, only, we're out of Alka-seltzer in the bathroom.
I'll get some tomorrow.
Yeah, that'll be [BURPS.]
nice.
But, yeah, no rush.
Johnny Carson was good tonight, wasn't he? Yeah, Johnny Carson was good tonight.
I think he's funnier since his hair turned white.
Yeah, well, that does it for some guys.
But, you know, I didn't laugh at that joke about the fag gorilla.
That's what you call [BURPS.]
tasteless.
I mean to say, uh It ain't fair to the fags, and it ain't fair to the gorillas.
Ah, you know, Edith, as time goes by, I come to realize that in this world you gotta live and let live.
Particularly live.
Archie Do you want to talk about somethin'? Yeah.
You know that trip to California we was plannin' in a few weeks? Yeah.
Well, maybe we hadn't oughta go out there.
Oh, why not? Well, you know, just in case somethin' should happen while we're-- What? Archie-- No.
I meant, happen here, you know? 'Cause I have to leave the bar with Harry.
Harry'd be alone, see? And Harry's a dummy.
Archie, did I ever tell you about my Aunt Edna? Oh, geez, any number of times, Edith.
See, her doctor told her that she had only six months to live.
Why are you telling me this? Well, it's very interesting, and it's really about California.
See, she moved out to Burbank, California, because she wanted to buy a cemetery plot.
And she did 'cause she wanted to be near her first husband, Al Galucci, and Rudolph Valentino, but the doctor was wrong.
That was over 50 years ago, and she's still alive and kicking.
But is Rudolph Valentino still alive and kicking? No! Is Al Galucci? No.
Well, don't that tell you something about California? Edith, California's the worst place in the world to be buried in.
They got them earthquakes out there.
They put ya in your box in the ground there, and the earthquakes keep knocking ya around.
That way your bones don't get a chance to rest in peace the way they oughta.
It's true.
Then they got the big "flush" floods out there, you know, wash your bones right down to the freeways.
Archie, you gotta stop thinkin' about bones and floods and cemeteries and dying.
Now, come on, let's go to bed.
Yeah.
And don't forget what the Reader's Digest said about tomorrow.
Yesterday is the tomorrow you ain't never gonna see today.
No, that ain't it.
Say it again.
Aw, the hell with it, I hate it anyhow.
No, today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday.
Never mind.
This is tonight turn off the light.
[SIGHS.]
The sun will come out tomorrow Oh, no, don't sing, huh, darling? Don't sing, huh? Ahh.
And anyhow, the paper says rain.
Aunt Edith, do the forks go on the right or the left? Yeah.
Are you worried about anything? Hm? No, I'm just worried about somethin'.
On the left.
Did you wash up for lunch? - Yeah.
- When? Before breakfast.
You better do it again.
Aw, geez! Twice in one day.
Edith! Edith, I'm home! Archie, what are you doing home? I'm home! Whoop-dee-doo.
I just wanted to put my face in the door, say hello to you, and give you some beautiful posies.
Oh, Archie, you must be happy! Happy, happy.
Let me give you a-- [GRUNTS.]
Hey, ain't you in school? I'm home for lunch.
Well, don't be fresh.
Oh, Edith, I was so worried about poor Harry, you know.
He went and took an insurance physical and the X-ray showed that he had a spot on his liver.
It was touch and go for a couple of days, but he went back to the doctor, and the doctor said it was only a picture of some gas he had.
Oh! Oh! Doctor told him he's gotta stop smokin' and drinkin' and eatin' so much.
"You gotta stop livin' like a pig," is what the doctor told Harry.
Oh.
The doctor could have been talkin' to you.
[LAUGHS.]
But I'm very happy that everything's all right with Harry.
Yeah.
Well, Edith, as long as I'm home for lunch, why don't we sit down and have some lunch there, huh? What are you doin' there? Go over and help your Aunt Edith set the table, ya little dingbat ya.
She can set the table good.
Yeah, well, I don't know about that.
Look, forks, never on the left.
Forks should always go on the right.
[.]
All in the Family was played to a studio audience for live responses.