Dad's Army (1968) s09e02 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? All in all it sounds quite a party, sir.
Yes, definitely the biggest exercise we've ever mounted.
We have two brigades of infantry, a battery of 25-pounders, air support.
We've even managed to rustle up a few tanks.
Now, I'm relying on you to be one of the umpires.
Ah.
Well, I've hit a bit of a snag there.
I've got the same old trouble with the leg, but I managed to find a deputy.
He runs the Walmington-on-Sea platoon.
Mainwaring's his name.
Captain Mainwaring.
He'll be very unpopular if he makes any wrong decisions.
He's used to being unpopular.
He's a bank manager.
We need someone neutral, unbiased and fair-minded.
Well, he's that all right.
Yes, if I had my way, you know, all these black marketeers would be up against a wall and shot.
By the way, sir, have you heard any more about that umpiring business? Yes, I protested against it.
I have no doubt it's an honour to be selected, but I've no time for umpiring.
I'm a leader.
Want to be up there in the forefront of the battle.
Yes, you're quite right, Captain Mainwaring.
You don't want to be no umpire.
We never had no umpires in the Sudan, you know.
General Kitchener didn't believe in them.
''All's fair in love and war,'' he used to say.
He was a very educated man, you know.
He used to make us wait till the fuzzy-wuzzies was only 60 yards away, then we used to mow them all down till they was dead.
Didn't need no umpire to tell them.
They knew they was dead.
You know, sir, talking of umpiring reminds me of when I was at school.
I can remember seeing a boy pinching tuck from the snodge.
-Tuck from the snodge? -Yes.
Was this some foreign school you were at? I mean, I didn't really want to beat him.
-You didn't want to beat him? -No, no, no.
You see, sixth-formers are supposed to keep some sort of order, you know.
If you ask me, the whole system reeks of depravity.
Yes, but it turned out some very brave officers, you know, because they've been through all that depravity.
Anyway (TELEPHONE RINGING) Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
-Ah, Mainwaring.
-Ah.
I'm afraid it's no dice with the brigadier.
You'll have to be an umpire.
I see.
Oh, well, I suppose an order's an order, sir.
There is one compensation though.
You'll get a staff car.
-Oh, staff car.
-That's rIght.
What's more, It hasn't been allocated so you mIght be able to hang on to It.
Anyway, it's yours for the time being.
I'll get it along to you today.
Thank you very much indeed, sir.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, well.
-Seems I'm going to have a staff car.
-Oh, that's marvellous.
Why? Well, apparently, this umpiring is a very important job.
What sort of a car would it be? I suppose it'll be a limousine of some sort.
This really is a beastly nuisance, Mr Hodges.
-Are you sure it's necessary? -What's going on? Well, what has to be has to be, Vicar.
You should know that.
You say it often enough in your boring sermons.
The vicar's sermons are not boring.
There are several good bits in each one.
-What's going on here? -There's new blackout regulations, Napoleon.
It says no smoking in the streets after dark, and all outside keyholes have got to be bunged up.
I've got enough putty here to fill up all the keyholes under His Reverence's jurisdiction.
And it's fresh.
Smell it, Your Reverence.
I have no desire to smell it, Mr Yeatman.
I hate the horrid smell of linseed.
Half that keyhole belongs to the military, and I'm not having putty put in it.
It's been scientifically proved by experts that a thin shaft of light no thicker than a pencil shining through a keyhole can be seen by an enemy plane 1 ,000 feet up.
Hello.
Mum said I'd find you here.
Oh, hello, dear.
Oh, this is my niece.
She's got a spot of leave.
-How do you do? -Hello.
-Corporal Jones.
-Sir.
-This is Sergeant Wilson.
-How do you do, Sergeant Wilson? May I say how very pretty you look in your uniform.
Don't you think so, sir? Very, very feminine and obviously very efficient.
Now, look here, Wilson.
Wilson? Wilson? Put the girl down when I'm talking to you.
(HONKING) What on earth is that? Sorry to interrupt you, Mr Mainwaring.
Colonel's just driven into the yard.
Evening.
Turn to right! Turn out the guards! Turn out the guards! Jones.
-There's no one there, sir.
-He's outside, Jonesy.
Outside, outside.
Outside.
Oh, right.
Fall in the guards! Fall in the guards! Fall in the guards! Well, I have no more time to spend on this nonsense.
My staff car has just arrived.
-Your staff car? How did you get a staff car? -My position entitles me to one.
Who are you kidding? Your position wouldn't entitle you to a pair of roller skates.
Ah, Mainwaring.
Well, here you are.
Oh, there's a box of thunder flashes in the back.
You can use them to simulate mortar fire.
Thank you very much, sir.
(ORDERING TO PRESENT ARMS) You're pushing your luck a bit there, Corporal.
Oh, by the way, there's not much juice in the car.
I'll send round four gallons.
That should easily see the Captain through the exercise.
Sir.
-Is this it? -How do you mean, is this it? -Well, it's a bit small isn't it? -I think it looks rather sweet.
Absolutely first class vehicle, this.
For the kind of cut-and-thrust warfare that we shall be involved in, you know.
Nip into the enemy, hit him, nip out again.
Aye, and you'd look a right jessie sitting in anything larger.
Mr Mainwaring, is it bulletproof? Of course it isn't bulletproof.
Cor blimey, is that it, then? You don't call that a staff car, do you? We happen to find it very, very charming.
I was right.
I said you wasn't entitled to a pair of roller skates.
They've sent you one.
-Come on, Vicar.
-Go on.
Off.
And don't all stand there staring at it.
Get these men inside.
Give them some rifle-cleaning or something.
Right, sir.
Right, you heard what the captain said.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? Please, can I be the driver? Don't be absurd, Pike.
I've got a provisional licence.
You wouldn't even know how to drive it.
Well, you could teach me how to drive.
-Teach me how to drive, Mr Mainwaring.
Please -Be quiet, boy.
In any case, Sergeant Wilson's in charge of driving.
Oh.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Hmm? -Will you teach me how to drive? -Go away, Frank.
If you don't teach me how to drive, I'll tell Mum and you won't get your egg for breakfast on Sunday morning.
Frank.
Now, as umpire I shall carry my sergeant with me and my corporal and very possibly my runner.
-Get in the driving seat, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-You come into the back here.
-Sir.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? Can I be the runner? -All depends on how you behave.
-Right.
MAINWARING: Right, get in there.
Right.
-Jones.
-Thank you very much, sir.
-All right, get in.
-Sir.
There we are.
-All right? -Yes.
Yes, well, that'll be all right, I should think.
Don't you? -Permission to speak, sir? -Yes.
This is not proper military etiquette.
What are you talking about? Well, it doesn't seem to me to be proper military etiquette to have Sergeant Wilson, who is a sergeant, driving me, Corporal Jones, who is a corporal.
Hmm.
Yes.
Well, I suppose it'd be all right if Jones drove.
Yes, I think it's an excellent idea, sir.
-Right.
Change places.
-Right, sir.
I said change places.
Well, sir, I'm afraid you'll have to get out, you see, 'cause Sergeant Wilson's seat doesn't move forward, sir.
Let me help you, Mr Mainwaring.
Let me help you.
-Thank you very much, sir.
-All right.
Now get in the front.
-Thank you, sir.
Excuse me, sir.
-Yes? Get in.
Right, sir.
After you, sir.
Right, yes.
Oh.
I beg your pardon, sir.
You see, if you get in first it means I can't get in.
Sort yourself out, then.
-There we are, sir.
-Right.
Right.
All right.
Oh.
Right, it should be all right now, I think.
-Mr Mainwaring.
-Yes? -Just one thing.
-What? Where does the runner go, please? Oh, we're not bothering about that at the moment.
Surely, Captain Mainwaring, the runner could ride on the running board? Just carry on with what you're doing, Godfrey.
-There's just one thing, Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes? Sergeant Wilson looks more important than you.
How do you make that out? Well, he's sitting alone at the back.
Let's change places, Wilson.
(HORN HONKING) -What's that? -I got an undesirable urge to test the horn, sir.
Well, don't.
We'll have the neighbours round.
Well, after you, sir.
-Don't start that again.
-All right.
-Just get in.
-All right, there we are.
That's right.
How can I get in the back with your big fat body in the front? Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I mean, you're just confusing me like this, shouting at me like you do.
I am not shouting at you.
Well, you're speaking very, very loudly.
-Now get in.
-Right, right.
-All right? -Yes.
Right.
I think that's all right now, isn't it? Aye, that's fine! You can swank to your heart's content sitting there.
Mr Mainwaring.
-Where does the runner go, please? -On the running -On that thing there.
-Hang on.
No, I don't think that'll be safe.
See, I'll have to hold on with both hands and I wouldn't be able to use my Tommy gun.
Sir, why don't you let Private Pike sit next to you? No, no.
I'm not having any of that.
No, no, no, no.
If he sits there, he'll look just as important as Captain Mainwaring.
He'll look more important.
He's taller.
Captain Mainwaring, he ought to face backwards.
Then he could cover your rear.
General Kitchener never advanced unless he had his rear covered.
-But it was different for him because -Yes, never mind that.
Good.
All right, try it, Pike.
Try it.
No, don't move, Mr Mainwaring.
I'll climb over, be easier, save moving.
Let's put that there.
Hang on.
Only take a second.
Just have to be patient.
Hold this box for me, sir? PIKE: Hang on.
Right.
No, no, no! This is no good at all.
I'll have to completely rethink this.
Get out, Wilson.
Here we are, on the war front That's our slogan for today Another raspberryade, please, Nora? You're going it a bit, aren't you? No, it's thirsty work.
Been going over the new staff car, haven't we, Mr Jones? Yes, we've been going over the new staff car.
Sorting out the teething-trouble problems.
That'll be threepence.
-Threepence? -Yes, it's gone up.
-There's a war on, you know.
-Here y'are.
Thank you.
-Did you have staff cars in the Sudan, Mr Jones? -No.
We never had nothing like that in them days.
We had a staff camel.
It didn't have a horn or windscreen wipers, or anything like that.
-Evening.
-Hello.
Are you part of that Home Guard lot round at the church? That's right.
You were with the warden, weren't you? -Sylvia.
-That's right.
How did you know? -Well, my uncle told me.
-Oh.
He's the sergeant.
Oh, I remember.
Randy old geezer, isn't he? You mustn't say that about Sergeant Wilson.
He went to public school.
Well, they're the worst.
Lime crush please, miss.
Why aren't you a proper soldier? What do you mean? I am a proper soldier.
Yes, we're all proper soldiers.
No, I mean why aren't you in the proper army? Well, I'm knocking on a bit, you know.
I wasn't meaning you.
I got funny blood.
Not one in a million like me.
No, if I crashed my Spitfire and got wounded they wouldn't be able to transfuse me.
Fancy that.
I'm waiting to be called up though.
Secret Service.
-I didn't know that, Pikey.
-Shut up, Mr Jones.
Well, what happens if you get wounded in the Secret Service? I don't care.
That's me all over.
-Threepence, please.
-Oh, no, please.
Have this one on me.
Oh.
Thanks.
-Thank you, Nora.
-Thank you.
Won't your girlfriend get jealous if she sees us? I haven't got onespecial.
I play the field.
Does Mr Mainwaring know you're going in the Secret Service, Pikey? No, Mr Jones.
Well, you'll have to give your notice in, you know.
You can't just go in one evening and say, ''Goodbye, Captain Mainwaring.
I'm going to the Secret Service.
'' Then there's the bank to consider.
Mr Jones, I'm trying to have a private conversation with the young lady here.
So will you please stop interrupting? Oh, I see.
I see.
It's like that, is it? A friend in need is a friend indeed.
-Cheers.
-Oh, cheers.
You've got smashing eyebrows.
You what? I said you've got smashing eyebrows.
Have I? They're like Tyrone Power.
-Are they? -Yes.
Here.
Here, look.
Oh, yeah.
I like Tyrone Power.
-D'you go to the pictures a lot? -Oh, yes.
Quite a lot.
-We're going tomorrow night in Eastgate.
-Cor, you don't half sweep a girl off her feet.
What time shall I meet you? I meant Uncle and Half past six, outside the church, after parade.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Here we are on the war front And finally, to distinguish you from the opposition, you will each wear an armband.
-Ready, Corporal? -Yes, sir.
All ready and correct, sir.
-Right, hand them out, please.
-Right.
Thank you very much, sir.
Here's your one.
Thank you, Jonesy.
Pike, will you stop looking at your watch? Sorry, Mr Mainwaring.
You gonna be long? I shall be as long as I need to be.
There's a war on.
Why does this boy keep looking at his watch? Because we're going to the pictures.
He keeps looking at the gate, too.
Yes, well, that's the way to the pictures.
Captain Mainwaring, my armband doesnae say ''Umpire''.
It just says ''Ump''.
How do you account for that, Jones? Well, sir, I look at it this way, sir.
When you're wearing the band the only part that shows is the ''Ump''.
You see the ''ire'' is underneath your arm.
Therefore, to write it would be superfluous, sir.
So I didn't.
Well, it's too late to alter them now.
I shall wear the sash.
Captain Mainwaring, sitting in that car wearing your sash, you'll look very important.
Godfrey, you must try to get out of this habit of talking in the ranks.
Right, that's all.
Parade at 6:00 in the morning, sharp.
Atten-hut! Dismiss! -Uncle Arthur.
-Yes? You don't really want to go to the pictures tonight, do you? Well, not all that much.
No.
-Right.
I'll go on my own, then.
-Well, no, I'll come with you if you're going.
Well, no.
No, I wouldn't dream of it.
Why don't you stay home with Mum and have a nice evening? Could I borrow seven and six? What, seven and six? Well, the seats are only one and nine.
-Might go in the two and threes.
-Yes, but I mean, seven and six? -I might go with someone.
-Oh, oh, I see what you mean.
Yes, of course.
Yes.
Right, well, here we are.
There's 1 0 bob for you, Frank.
Now, have a good time.
Wilson, will you just stroll along home with me? There are one or two things I want to discuss with you.
Yes, of course, sir.
Sorry it took so long.
Blimey, he does go on, doesn't he? Yes, well, he's not bad really.
We better go.
We'll miss the bus to Eastgate.
Is this the staff car you were talking about? Yes, yes.
Come on.
I drive one of those at the unit.
Are you in charge of it? Yes, sort of.
Well, let's go in that, then.
No, we can't.
It's Mr Mainwaring's.
I had 70 out of ours last week.
No, you can't go in it.
It's Mr Mainwaring's car.
Well, you're in charge.
Oh, there's no harm in just sitting in it, is there? No.
No harm in just sitting in it.
It's good, isn't it? -Look, he's left the keys in.
-I better have those.
(ENGINE STARTING) -What are you doing? -Starts well, doesn't she? Turn it off.
-What's the matter? Are you scared? -Turn it off, please.
Do you know something? I'm disappointed in you.
I didn't think of you as a soppy boy.
I'm not a soppy boy.
I thought you were a real man.
I am a real man.
-I thought you could take snap decisions.
-I can take snap decisions.
Good.
You can tell me the way to get there.
What are you doing? -Now, look, we'll get into trouble.
-Relax! We're going to the pictures.
We'll get into trouble.
You'll get me really into trouble.
What are you worried about? No one saw us.
No, but they might have done.
Pigs might fly.
You seem to forget, I've got a very responsible position in this town.
I think that's what first attracted me to you.
Oh, haven't you got thin knees? -They're not thinner than anybody else's.
-They are.
They're like sparrows'.
PIKE: Get off.
(SYLVIA LAUGHING) Isn't it wonderful, the way Robert Taylor puts his arm round her? So protective and romantic.
Yeah.
You look a bit like Robert Taylor, sideways on.
Yeah.
Do you think I look like her? Do you think I need protecting? Get off! (WOMAN SCREAMING IN MOVIE) Oh! Someone kicked me from behind! Do you mind being more careful where you put your great big feet? Hello, Mr Jones.
I'm ever so sorry.
That awful scream gave me a real turn.
-Thank goodness you were here, Mr Jones.
-This is Mrs Fox.
We go to the pictures sometimes.
There's nothing in it though.
This is Sylvia.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-She thinks I look like Robert Taylor.
-You do.
-Sideways on.
-Yes.
(SHUSHING) Get off! -PIKE: I like Robert Taylor, don't you? -Yes.
It's good having my car to drive in, isn't it? Would be if I wasn't so hungry.
Well, there wasn't time for a snack.
My mum will want to know where I've been.
SYLVIA: (MOCKINGLY) ''My mum'll want to know where I've been.
'' That's not funny.
(ENGINE FALTERING) -PIKE: What's that? -I expect the car is hungry and all.
What's the matter? It's stopped, hasn't it? But why has it stopped? (AMERICAN ACCENT) I figure we've run out of gas, baby.
You've planned this, haven't you? You planned this deliberately.
Do you honestly think that I have nothing better to do than plan to run out of petrol in the middle of a country road with you? You, you, you stupid-looking boy! I'm not a stupid-looking boy.
-Don't call me ''stupid-looking boy.
'' -You're retarded, you are.
What's the time? Half past ten.
Any minute now my mum's gonna start worrying about me.
''My mum's gonna start worrying about me.
'' -Oh, shut up! -Oh.
What are we gonna do? Let's find an haystack and spend the night beneath the stars in each other's arms.
Get off.
Get out and push, then.
Push? It's nine miles.
Well, have you got a better idea? You're just gonna sit there? Yes.
You have to help when it comes to the hills.
We'll worry about that when the time comes.
Left my love In the bar Yon Mainwaring, I've never seen Mr Mainwaring in such a state.
If he goes on like this he'll burst a blood vessel.
Oh, dear, I'm afraid I haven't got anything for broken blood vessels.
Sergeant Wilson.
I've seen my boy Raymond, and I've got him scouring round the town on his bicycle.
Oh, thank you, Jonesy.
Thank you.
Don't you worry, 'cause that little car won't go far.
I haven't put any petrol in it yet.
Oh, I see.
I've just been on to the police.
Our car hasn't been reported, but they've put out an all-car call.
Well, they've only got one car.
-Is everybody present and correct? -Yes, sir.
Everyone's present and Bristol fashion except Private Pike.
Private Pike? What's the matter with him? Well, he probably slept late, sir.
Where is he then? What have you done with him? What have you done with my Frank? What are you talking about, Mavis? You said he'd gone to bed early.
His bed hasn't even been slept in.
-And where were you last night? -I wasn't anywhere.
Right then, what have you done with her? Where have you been hiding her? What on earth are you talking about? You know perfectly well what I'm talking about.
-Where's my niece Sylvia? -Well, how should I know? How should you know? She was last seen with a soldier.
And she hasn't been heard of since.
And you were the said soldier.
I saw you ogling her in the office.
The man's a sex maniac.
Permission to speak, sir.
It is not within my personal experience, but I have got a hunch that Private Pike went to Eastgate, to the pictures.
At quarter to six in the morning? Sir, I fell asleep at the pictures once.
Don't keep interrupting, Godfrey.
It's very irritating.
Look, I don't care what happened to that soppy boy.
Where's my niece? What's more to the point is where's my staff car? MAINWARING: Pike! Pike, where've you been with that car? All the way to Eastgate.
Nine miles and I've had to push it back every flipping foot.
-Where have you been, Sylvia? -With him.
With that soppy boy? You mean to say you've been out all night with her in this car? -He'll have to marry her.
-Are you out of your mind? I'm not marrying a soppy boy like him.
You've been out all night with him, soppy boy or no soppy boy.
Stop calling me a sloppy boy! Pike, you're under arrest.
Wilson, bring him in.
Godfrey, you stand guard on him until the police come.
The police? I'm not having the police here.
I'm not having her dragged through the courts.
Yes, you leave my boy alone.
He was as good as gold till he started going around with you lot.
-I'll box your ears when I get home.
-Leave him alone.
(SHRIEKING) -Let justice take its course.
-Stop being pompous, Napoleon.
You stop interfering.
Get him in the office, Wilson.
Arthur, if you lay a finger on him, I'll make your life a misery for the rest of your days.
Captain Mainwaring.
Just one wee word.
What are the police going to say when they find out you have not immobilised the car? You're quite right, Private Frazer.
-It's a criminal offence not to immobilise a car.
-Aye, that it is.
And you're responsible.
Do you hear me? You are responsible! All right, all right, all right, Frazer.
Now, none of these things will stop me from doing my duty, but it would be wrong not to give them consideration.
Don't forget, sir, we're due at the rendezvous in seven minutes.
That's right.
We are, and the army must take first place.
We'll discuss all this tonight.
Right, get the men fell in.
Put the petrol in the car.
(PIKE MUTTERING) Come with me, Jones.
I'm just going to that clump of trees over there.
-See if I can spot their position.
-Right, sir.
-Sorry, Frank.
Would you like one of these? -No, thanks.
I don't.
Right.
Yeah, why not? Right, help yourself.
All right? Well, now, Frank about last night I know we shouldn't have taken it, but we didn't do the car no harm.
Yes, well, I'm not talking about the car.
I'm talking about the girl.
A lot of people will know that you spent the night together, and a lot of people will tell you that what you did was wrong.
-I was pushing.
She was steering.
-Yes, well, of course you were, Frank.
It generally is something adventurous, but to my way of thinking what you both did wasn't evil.
-Do you follow me? -It was nine miles.
Listen, Frank.
Society, our sort of society, has a rather rigid framework.
And if we don't stay within it, people point the finger at us.
Took an hour to get up Grant's Hill.
-Twenty yards at a time.
-Yes, well, just remember this, Frank.
I understand.
Now, we haven't been too close, I know, just recently, but now I feel we're, sort of, you know what I mean, kindred spirits.
Sort of, you know, sort of, men of the world.
Do you feel like that, too? Yes.
Kindred spirits.
Men of the world.
Good lad.
Look out, he's coming back.
Right, Jones.
Drive on to the crossroads.
Uncle Arthur.
Don't go yet, Mr Mainwaring.
Will you be quiet, Pike? I don't want to hear another murmur out of you today.
You'll hear more than a murmur in a minute.