Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e02 Episode Script

[Calm music.]
[Willie.]
What in the world's he got going on? I don't know.
Si, what are you doing? I'm putting security camouflage on my shed.
All right, whatever.
Where's my auger? I've been robbed.
- What? - I've been "ramsacked.
" - I've been bamboozled.
- Ransacked? Yeah, "Ramsacked.
" Yeah.
- "Ramsacked"? - Yeah, "ramsacked.
" They stole my stuff and your auger.
They stole my auger? [Scoffs.]
Yeah, they stole it.
I've been traumatized, I've been violated.
Si, I think I'm the one that's been violated here, 'cause they stole my auger.
What are you talking about? All right, so lending an expensive piece of equipment to a man who can't even keep track of his own glasses, even though they're on his face, was probably a terrible idea.
This is your security system, some camo netting? Well, hey, look, you gotta have something.
That'll stop 'em.
I'm not sure why he didn't just tell me the auger was stolen over the phone.
But to be fair, he did mention something about miscreants and hoodlums flushing this nation down the commode.
Si, your shed doesn't even have a door.
It's got half a door.
But I never really put the two together.
I had some antiques in that thing, look at that.
It looks like they took everything good and left all the crap.
There ain't nothing these dadgum rascals won't steal.
They're the lowest of the low.
Hey, this whole nation's going to the toilet.
That shed's a toilet.
No, it ain't.
There ain't nothing wrong with that shed.
I don't think the camo netting's gonna help any.
What's this nation gone to? You gotta put chains and locks on everything? [Both.]
Yeah.
- Pretty much.
- That's pretty much what you do.
No, I oughta be able to leave my shed unguarded, y'all.
You're talking about I gotta hire a security force around this darned place.
No.
I said just maybe get a shed with a door that locks.
Look, boys, I'm gonna get the boys in blue.
They get the forensic evidence, okay? Cops will just tell you to put a door and a lock.
Well, I guess my auger's gone.
I've been violated, I've been bush-whacked.
I've been Amtraked and side-tracked Si, you just need to bulldoze this whole thing.
That thing's like one of my children.
You don't put camo netting over your kids.
What are you trying to say here? You need a new shed.
You gonna buy me a shed? Si, I'm not buying you a new shed.
- You're gonna buy me an auger.
- What are you talking about? - No.
- But it was stolen from you.
Yeah, but it was yours.
All right, we'll split the difference.
I'll buy it, and you install it.
That What I'm gonna get something out of the deal.
- What about my auger? - The thieves took the auger.
Okay, get over it, it's gone.
How much that thing cost anyway? - A couple hundred dollars? - $800.
- $800? - Yes.
- You paid $800? - Yeah.
- Did you feel violated? - No.
[Chuckling.]
You should have, for $800.
You're the one that should call the law.
- $800, good grief! - You got ripped off.
Mia, here's the deal.
Your mom's plane has been delayed, so she wants me to take care of your cheerleading event.
Who's getting me ready then? That would be me.
You go in there, you put your hair in a ponytail.
You grab some pom-poms, and We don't have pom-poms.
You can't hold pom-poms while you're throwing somebody in the air.
What happened to cheerleading? You have to do my hair, my makeup Oh, my goodness.
Tonight's cheer competition is a big deal.
Can you just call Aunt Korie? 'Cause she's done it with Bella before.
I already called Aunt Korie, she's out.
So I'm gonna handle this.
Well, what about Aunt Jessica? She's good with hair.
- She's good with makeup.
- She's busy.
This is Mia's last event before another round of surgery on her cleft palate, and the whole family will be out there to support her.
Are you really gonna help me? Yeah.
I mean, how hard can it be? Mm, pretty hard.
I mean, the idea of my dad at a cheerleading competition, this is once-in-a-lifetime-type stuff.
I'm not sure I agree with you wearing all this makeup.
I mean, last time I checked, you're still a kid.
Oh, there's, like, a million cheerleaders out there, and they all wear makeup.
What's wrong with these people? You saying I have something wrong with me? No, I'm saying you're beautiful.
You don't need all this paint.
Well, we have to wear it.
So what do I need to do? So you have to have the, the stuff on your eyes that match perfectly with a little wing right here, and then you need to have a lot of blush.
Your cheeks are really pink, bright red lipstick.
And then you need to do the gloss on it.
And it's supposed to be in a wing shape A little angel wing right here, an angel wing It goes like that, it goes like this, and that Then you have to put a braid right here.
Have you ever made an angel? Dad? I have no idea what that means.
I think you have a problem.
How hard can this be? Mm, pretty hard.
[Calm folk song.]
[Reverse backing sound.]
[Willie.]
Si, I thought we's here to get a shed.
Yeah, we're gonna get a shed.
This is the Fort Knox-type shed that I need.
Just think, if I'd have had this, you wouldn't have lost your auger, know what I mean? No, I rarely know what you mean.
Hey, look, this is the "Tal Mahaj" of storage units.
It don't get no better.
- That's the slogan, boys.
- I like it.
They've got little sheds that are nice.
- No.
Hey - It's better than a shed.
It's better than a shed, just like he said.
Si, what's your wife gonna say about this? Hey, she don't care, I wear the pants in the family.
- We'll see how that goes.
- I tried that.
This thing keep thieves out? [Jason.]
It's thief-proof.
Solid as a safe.
Hey, the man has got a point.
He's selling it.
Of course he's gonna say that.
- Wow.
- No.
Hey, look, it's one thing I learned from the war: You can never be too prepared.
There's no way we can move that thing.
- I got the truck, got the crane.
- Come on, man.
And with the technology advancements and "weapontry," we're more vulnerable than ever.
What day you want it delivered, Si? My shed, it's gotta be strong, just like me, okay? Fortified and full of crap.
You know people actually live in these now? Put 'em on a piece of land, and - No, they don't.
- It's kind of cool.
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they do too.
It's a hipster's dream.
A hippie back in the '60s would've loved to had one of these.
How would you go to the toilet? Oh, you just go outside for that.
No, you just cut a hole in it.
- Oh.
Or that.
- We can put a bucket under it.
[Willie.]
Come on, man.
[Si.]
Sounds like we got a deal to me.
[Rock music.]
A little bit to the left! Left? Your left or my left? Your left.
Nah, the other way.
- You need to turn it this way.
- Si! Hey, quiet down in the peanut gallery.
- [Thud.]
- Whoa! Hey, look out now.
The truck move? Yes, it's sinking.
Oh, crap! - Point it my way.
- Better his than mine.
Headache! Headache! Headache! I think she's a little front heavy.
Hey, is the truck supposed to be off the ground? All right, bring it in for a landing, boys! - [Laughing.]
- Shut up! - You sure that's where you want it? - Put her down! - [Thud.]
- Whoa! Whoa! Good job.
Perfect.
[Truck engine shuts off.]
What do you think? I think you're stupid, so No.
I mean, look at it, what do you think? It looks like a fire truck.
Does that rock and pop, or what? And especially when I get them .
50 calibers of mine on it.
You talkin' about rockin' and poppin'.
Huh? Hey, we gotta put guns and ammo and food in this thing, son, to be ready.
Ready for what? For the zombie "apocalyse.
" What? Your yard? Welcome to the zombie apocalys-shed.
"Apocalys"? Yeah, the "apocalys.
" What's a zombie "apocalyp"? Jep, did you tell him about zombies? Yeah.
Look, don't be talking behind my back.
Come over here and say it to my face.
Jep told me all about zombies the other day.
Look, that ain't nothing but a metaphor for hippies.
Si, the zombie apocalypse is not real.
Yeah, Jep told me you would say the "apocalyse" wasn't real.
Look, hey, the hippies, okay? Look, they was running rampant, okay? And they was, you know, stumbling and mumbling and shuffling all around.
No matter what Jep told you, it ain't real.
Look, it ain't a matter of time, okay? - It's when they're coming.
- Huh? It's like they lived out of some kind of shoe that smell like a skunk.
And I'm gonna be ready, buddy.
That's scary.
Hey, look, all you hippies out there, you mess with Silas M.
Robertson, you're gonna suffer consequences and the repercussions.
- Good plan.
- I'm gonna be ready.
All right, boys, we gotta get food and ammo in this thing ASAP.
That means "as soon as possible," for you non-army guys.
Si, we know what "ASAP" means.
Get the old shed in the new shed then we'll eat.
And it's on me.
[Godwin.]
Yeah, I'm hungry.
This is not a government job.
Y'all are here to work.
[Groovy folk music.]
Daddy, you just put it in and wrap the ponytail around.
How does that feel right there? It all fell down.
It's a lot harder than it looks here.
It's really simple.
I know.
Stay.
Stay.
Sit.
Just because I've never done Mia's hair or makeup doesn't mean I can't figure this out.
- What do you think? - Okay, okay.
This is my nightmare today.
I've painted several houses and a few barns.
You put this for your eyeliner.
I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to do that.
How different can a little face paint be? You just take it and slop it on there.
Cover up all the nooks and crannies.
Okay.
Oh, darn.
Oh, good.
This is the same thing, it's just brighter.
Dad, you're scaring me.
- I went too high.
- Dad! I'm worried if this gets in your eye.
Have you ever had this in your eye? No.
People are really experienced.
All right, well I have absolutely no experience.
Remember to do the wings.
Oh, the wing.
Where's the wing go? It's just a little sharp, pointy thing right there.
"Sharp, pointy thing"? Let me give it a try.
Got your wing for ya.
I'm more going for the duck wing.
I don't wanna look like a duck.
Nothing wrong with looking like a duck.
They're the most beautiful bird on the planet.
Okay, I'm getting kind of nervous.
Got your wing for ya.
Courtesy of old Jase.
Perfect! [Chuckles.]
You're gonna love this.
I finally did something right.
Dad, I look like a constipated dog.
Maybe my coach can do it.
[Jase.]
Your coach can do this? [Upbeat folksy music.]
[Clatters.]
Hey, easy with that decoy, Godwin.
You and Jep be careful with the owl there.
That's Sweet Pea's long-lost brother.
That's a white, albino, petrified cat.
But be careful with him, he's priceless, boys.
I found him when I was in Arizona.
Got "Mexico" on it.
It ain't got "Mexico" on it, you knucklehead.
- It says "Mexico" right here.
- It says "Mexico.
" What do you mean, "It says 'Mexico"? - Oops! - That's all of it.
- That did it.
- Y'all killed Albino? - Good grief! - Cracked it.
Is there any treasure in there? Well, that'd been awesome if them were in there.
Do you still want this? No, you done killed him.
Al bit the dust, boys.
Hey, look, I'm really enjoying my new storage container/ zombie shelter.
This thing is cool, though, man.
You can do all kind of stuff up in here.
All right, check this out, boys.
Hey, it's like an expensive pair of underwear, okay? It's good at holding all my junk.
- Give me a hand, Martin.
- Hand for what? The real question here, okay, is how's he gonna do in a zombie "apocalyse"? - [Thud.]
- Okay.
If it had some kind of ventilation system, this place would be pretty cool.
Wait! - [Godwin.]
Installed.
- [Jep.]
Hey! I know for a fact Jep ain't a zombie.
[Jep.]
Hello! Okay? But, hey, let's face it.
If there was a zombie "apocalys," okay, Jep would be the first one to go.
[Jep.]
Let me outta here.
Hey, I think he's turning, boys.
He's infected.
- Infected with what? - Zombie.
[Jep.]
Ha-ha, real funny.
Shut up, zombie.
[Jep.]
Let me out.
He's saying something.
[Jep.]
"Let me out," is what I'm saying.
He said, "Don't open the door.
I might hurt somebody.
" [Jep.]
I gotta get outta here, man.
He said, "You can't let me outta here, man.
" Yeah, he said don't let him out.
It's 300 degrees in here.
He's already turned, boys, I can't hear him.
[Jep.]
My eyelids are sweating.
Hey, he's in the mutation stage right now.
[Jep.]
Seriously, guys, my crotch is getting swampy.
All right, Si, let him out.
[Jep.]
This is definitely not a good place to live.
I was totally wrong about that.
- I got a key here somewhere.
- [Jep.]
Si! - Seriously, it's hot.
- Ain't no key gonna help that.
That's a combination lock.
[Jep.]
Hey, what about a lock? Did y'all lock me in here? Uh-oh.
- Y'all done? - Yeah, we're done.
[Jep.]
Did you lock the dang door? Shut up in there, zombie! Why is he locked inside the container? I wanted to see if it worked.
- Si, open up.
- [Si.]
Look, I'm serious, hey.
And he don't know the combination.
No, I don't know what that, hey.
[Jep.]
Die in a stupid container.
- I'm going to get some bolt cutters.
- Bolt cutters? I'm gonna cut that lock off.
Hey, that thing cost me $8.
I'm getting bolt cutters.
Willie, you can't cut it off.
There's a zombie quarantine going on here.
[Jep.]
I am not a zombie! Shut up, zombie.
What are we gonna do now? I guess we're gonna have to wait till Willie gets back with the bolt cutters.
- Well, I'm hungry.
- [Jep.]
My eyeballs are sweating.
Hey, look, I got some cookies in the house.
Some cookies? Yeah, fresh baked, too, boys.
Hold on, Jep, we'll be right back.
You want a cookie? [Jep.]
Hey, where y'all going? Good talk.
[Jep.]
Hey, I want some cookies! I need a bucket of water too! Seriously, guys, my crotch is getting swampy.
[Upbeat folk music.]
[Woman.]
Get in your lines, let's go.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Man, is this normal? This seems pretty intense.
- You do this too? - Yes.
It's making my joints queasy.
I mean, you talk about pull a muscle There's Mia, she's late.
Yeah, we ran into a little problem.
Her mom, plane got delayed.
Long story short, I was in over my head.
She's missing warmups.
Well, I had a little problem with her hair and makeup.
Right, it's supposed to be a cat eye.
Well, it was angel wings.
- Yeah, he was having a little trouble.
- Yeah.
There are very few things in this life that scare me.
I thought, like, the angel thing was supposed to go like that.
You're right, baby, it is.
It's supposed to go up like that, but you're supposed to have it on both eyes.
This is not actually my area of exper And your dad drew, like, some kind of smudged "X.
" Yeah.
Bears, cotton mouth moccasins.
That's about it.
It's a short list.
I didn't know what they looked like, I never seen an angel.
I said, "What kind of" You could've Googled a picture of angel wings.
That would've probably been a good idea.
But I'll tell you this, Mia's cheerleading coach, she scares me.
That's not gonna work.
It won't work.
It's the most intimidated I've ever been by someone without a beard.
You're gonna have to get one of my moms to do that.
Okay, good idea.
- Got it? Hurry up.
- Got it.
- You talk about a bulldog.
- That's a little rude.
You might hurt her feelings.
Trust me, there's no way I can hurt that woman's feelings.
All right Day one, minute three.
I'm so hot in here.
Jess, just thought I'd make you a message.
I love ya.
A lot of times, when you said, "Take the trash out," I didn't do it.
I'm sorry.
You're a good woman.
Wait at least a year before you get married again.
Don't make any rash decisions.
Okay? And he better be cool and be a gamer, and all that.
So, don't get some moron that my kids won't like.
I love you.
[Moaning.]
[Jep.]
Hey, y'all gotta get me outta here, man.
- These cookies are good.
- They are good.
[Knocks on door.]
Hey, Jep, I wish you could've had one of these cookies.
[Jep.]
Agua.
- What? - [Jep.]
Agua.
He said "agua.
" That's Spanish for "brains.
" Hey, look, in every experiment, okay, there's gotta be a test subject, all right? Look, and Jep made a good one today.
You don't reckon he died, do you? No, he's undead, Godwin.
This here was a quarantine test, okay, and it passed.
Boys, I'm gonna tell you what.
- This zombie shed here - [Jep moans.]
pretty good investment.
[Jep.]
I need to go to the bathroom.
- Oh, yeah, it works.
- He can't get out.
That's exactly right.
That's what I wanted to make sure of.
[Jep moans.]
I need to poop.
This thing worked so good, hey, I'm probably gonna buy me ten more for the front yard.
[Moans.]
Hey, plus, I like messing with Jep.
Cavalry's here, boys.
- [Jep.]
Brought beer? - No, Willie's here.
[Jep.]
Y'all gotta get me outta here.
All right, here we go, boys.
[Jep.]
Don't freaking bang on the door.
He ain't gonna be able to do it, boys.
There ya go, baby! Piece of junk! - The light! - I warned y'all.
[Godwin.]
You okay? - Is that him? - Not funny.
- You was acting strange, son.
- What happened, bro? Did you pee in your pants or something? I just sweated through my boxers and my jeans.
- That's what I'd say, too.
- I'm dehydrated.
Hey, look here.
I got about two or three more things on the porch I need to put in here.
Let's hurry up, I gotta go.
Hey, by the way, your auger's in there.
Are you freaking kidding me? It's in the back, under a tarp.
Si, ain't no freaking Hey! - [Latch clicks.]
- All right, boys.
Let's see if we got any more cookies left.
- [Willie.]
Let me out! - [Godwin laughing.]
[Willie.]
Jep, did you go to the bathroom in here? [Upbeat rock music.]
[Applause.]
[Cheering.]
[Korie.]
All right, Mia's up next.
These girls work hard.
I can't get over this.
- [Korie.]
It's a big deal.
- It's a very intense thing.
What are you talking about? A bunch of kids jumping up and down on stage? That ain't a sport.
Anything they can do that I can't, I consider that a sport.
No, it ain't no sport.
- This is a sport.
- No.
Number one, they ain't got no ball to kick it around, throw it around, so it ain't a sport.
Is NASCAR not a sport, Si? - No, NASCAR ain't no sport.
- What about karate? That doesn't involve a ball.
Now you're talking something now, kung fu, okay? Kicking people, hitting them in the face.
Yeah, now we're going somewhere.
Si.
[Chuckling.]
Y'all, think about it.
When they was doing their moves, then they just go and they flip.
Yeah, boom, right on the neck! That one's out.
Drag her off the stage, bring out another one.
Hey! Please tell me I did not miss it.
No, you did not miss it.
Yes! Oh, my goodness! - I cannot believe I made it.
- You made it.
It's all under control.
You got her ready and everything? - What does she look like? - Piece of cake.
- She looks fantastic.
- Really? She looks great.
[Missy.]
I don't know what I'm more relieved about, getting here on time, or Jase pulling off the whole cheer-dad thing.
I had to get some help.
He had to call in reinforcements.
Yeah, I turned into, like, a manager.
Let's just be honest here, I had zero confidence that Jase could pull this off.
- I'll have to admit something.
- What? I usually have to ask a couple of moms to help me too.
[Chuckling.]
Maybe you should've put that with the text.
But if there's one thing I can count on, it is Jase going the extra mile for our kids.
Y'all grab hands.
- Y'all ready to be amazing? - [Girls.]
Yes, ma'am.
- Ready to do awesome? - [Girls.]
Yes, ma'am.
All right.
Dear Lord, I pray that You watch over these girls as they go on stage.
Lord, I thank You that these girls have the talent they have.
In Your son's name we pray, Amen.
One, two, three! [Girls shout.]
[Audience cheering, applauding.]
Go, Moo-Moo! Mia! Here we go.
[Willie.]
We oftentimes learn the hard way when we've taken something for granted.
Jase can vouch for this after getting a crash course in cheer-mom duties.
I managed to take my auger for granted When I lent it to my Uncle Si.
And speaking of Si, he's got a poorly camouflaged shed to thank for all his crap getting stolen.
But despite all that it's a good reminder of the things or people, we should never take for granted.
Like your cheerleading-savvy wife, or pretty much anyone else in your family, even if they do lock you in a storage container.
[Audience cheering.]
Not bad.
[Willie.]
Hey, Si, don't forget, you still owe me an auger.
[Si.]
No, I don't think so.