Futurama s09e02 Episode Script

1
[dramatic music playing]
[theme playing]
♪
I'm surprised you didn't
call in sick this morning, Fry.
- Isn't it a special day?
- No, just my birthday.
All I want is to enjoy
the quiet desolation of space
for a few peaceful hours.
ALL: Surprise!
[party favor blowing]
Uh, 'kay.
This really wasn't
- Happys birthdays!
- Happy whatchacallit!
- Surprise!
- Surprise!
[dribbling]
Happy B-day, Fry.
- Jeez. How many people did you invite?
- Only a few. Less than 40.
MORE GUESTS: Surprise!
- [floor squeaks] Surprise, sailor.
- [sighs] Thanks, everyone.
What's the matter, Fry?
You look sick and so darn blue.
Chicken cordon bleu!?
B'kaw!
I don't wanna talk about it.
[sniffles]
[sighs, sniffles]
[megaphone feedback]
Attention, party people.
We got a code 99.
Birthday boy unresponsive.
We need backup.
So, I'ma turn the music back up.
[clicking, whirring]
[disco music playing]
[cheering]
Hey! Please, just
[cheering]
[ship creaking, crashes]
[alarm blaring]
Emergency!
All butts to battle cushions!
[engines straining]
We're being pulled off-course
by some huge gravitational force!
A black hole!
[dramatic sting]
Scruffy begs to differ.
I see it as more of a gray-brown,
or perhaps toasted umber.
Impact in three!
I mean, one!
[all screaming]
[ship creaks]
[all groaning]
Is everybody okay?
'Cause I'm not.
[wind blowing]
Coming out!
[clanging]
Ow! [spitting]
[fizzling, whirring]
[eerie music playing]
We heard a girlish scream.
Are you okay?
- Did anyone else see that?
- No. I was busy making a tourniquet
out of my tiny, tiny shirt.
What kind of hellhole has
Leela brought us to this time?
A barren wasteland devoid of life.
Like Fire Island after Labor Day.
There's literally nothing here.
Except that tasteless suburban teardown.
♪
[gasps] That's the tasteless
suburban teardown I grew up in!
[door opens, creaks]
Whoa, weird.
I was just repressing a memory of this.
It's set up exactly like
my 8th birthday party.
The theme was Game Night Afternoon.
[mystical music playing]
What's wrong, son?
Worried about our boys in Grenada?
No. It's just I-I'm not
very good at games, Dad.
- I don't wanna lose on my birthday.
- Oh, don't worry.
Not everything in life is about winning.
But most things are.
Almost everything.
[knocking]
FRIENDS:
Whoa! Happy birthday!
Here's Josh Gedgie!
- High five, best bud!
- Oh! So close!
[both laughing]
♪
I can't believe it.
Everything is exactly how it was,
right down to the two-liter bottle
of Dr. Peeper.
What kind of weirdos
would go to the trouble
of recreating a low-budget
store brand birthday party?
It was we!
[whirring]
[all gasp]
He meant us. It was us!
I don't know.
I thought "we" sounded better.
Look, never mind the grammar.
How did you big-heads
get my old house here?
- I'ds likes to hears about the grammars.
- Recreating Fry's house
was mere child's play, thanks to
the power of our machine. Behold!
[dramatic sting]
It scours the minds of visitors
for powerful memories of conflict.
And recreates those conflicts
in every detail!
Today, we shall reenact
Philip J. Fry's 8th birthday party,
including all the thrilling
children's games he played!
- I do enjoy Twister.
- No Twister!
You wouldn't believe
what the mean kids used to twist.
Then, we shall begin with the classic
yet copyright-free game
Barrel of Primates!
[mystical music playing]
Who's ready to link monkey parts?
KIDS: I am! Me!
They call me
Monkey Breath for a reason.
Longest chain wins.
Players, start your chains!
[plastic clattering]
[tense music playing]
You shall play as two
traditional teams of 17!
Only instead of boring plastic pieces,
you shall be the primates.
[dramatic sting]
Kindly enter the barrels
when ready. [beep]
[hissing, whirring]
[yelling]
I'm ready now. [snorts]
- Let the game begin!
- Uh, okay.
We should probably obey the heads.
[giggling]
This is kind of fun.
- Dang. You must work out a lot.
- I'm a leg. Every day is leg day.
[mysterious music playing]
[pained groaning, murmuring]
I don't remember this being
so hard when I was 8. Oh
[groaning continues]
Did we mention there's a twist?
I knew you were twist guys!
[beep, hiss]
[dramatic music playing]
- Oh, great. A pool of acid?
- No. We're not monsters!
It's actually a highly alkaline liquid.
That's the twist!
It'll dissolve you twice as fast as acid!
But I have a fear of dissolving!
- How do we get down from here?
- By falling, of course.
[all gasp]
For in another twist,
these party games shall be
to the death!
[dramatic sting]
MRS. WONG: Although we kinda
guessed that from the bones.
[light music playing]
Ooh, and it's a real barn-burner!
Phil's the sentimental favorite,
but the smart money's on four-eyes.
The name's Gedgie,
and it may look close,
but I've got the Gedge.
[kids gasp]
Fry's still in it!
- Ah-choo!
- Look at him hook!
Impressive,
but my superior dexterity will
[stammering] Aah!
[crash]
I w-won at something?
I hope my grandma's
proud of me down in Hell.
[sighs] Nice job, Phil, but
I'll Gedge you next time. [laughs]
[giggling]
That never gets old.
[dramatic music playing]
[all groaning, wailing]
I say, I say,
I don't know how much longer
these old hollow bird bones
can hold out.
Why did you monsters dream this up?
And are the streaming rights available?
Our motivations are three.
Mine is to gain knowledge
by making people crash on our planet
and subjecting them
to bizarre experiments!
- As for me, I don't have any motivations.
- And I have two motivations!
Gambling, and making these cool masks.
- Let the gambling begin!
- Fifty quids on the red team.
A hundred quids on blue!
[gasps]
Listen up, people!
If we're going to survive,
we all need to work together!
Or we can shake the other team's bar
and make those losers fall first!
I vote for the shaking thing.
[blue team groaning]
[Bender laughing]
[wailing, yelling]
Cut it out, Bender!
Cheating is against the rules!
There are no rules
Oh wait. Here are the rules.
- It just says, "Fun for ages 3 to 99."
- No wonder I'm not enjoying it!
Now, hold on a minute.
According to the laws of calculus,
we might just be able to link chains
to form a stable structure
known as a catenary.
[crack]
[yelps]
Damn! My dribbling
and differentiating arm!
[blue team screaming]
[splashing]
Ah!
Is okay. Is only water.
Just as I foresaw.
[sizzling]
Oh. Oh, wait.
[yelping]
[Squid Game -esque vocalizing]
[all gasping, murmuring]
[Amy crying]
- That game was not fun!
- Congratulations to the red team!
I'm sure you'll all want to celebrate
with some birthday cake.
[Leela crying]
My parents and my
grandmother a-are dead!
[sobbing]
I'm so sorry for your loss, Leela.
Can I have their cake?
[dramatic music playing]
Where'd you get the snazzy candles?
- Our machine made them!
- Oh, right, right.
GAMESTER 1:
The next game is a simple one.
Fry must blow out all the candles
- in a single breath.
- I can do that.
- But, there's a twist.
- I like a good twist.
That's what keeps the audience watching.
For each candle Fry doesn't blow out,
- the corresponding player will die!
- W-Wait, what, what, what?
Don't worry, guys.
I'm actually, like, really good at this.
[deep inhale]
[mystical music playing]
[deep inhale continues]
[scoffs]
That's a lot of candles, old man.
You'll never do it.
[inhales, blows]
♪
[blowing]
[dramatic sting]
[grunting]
[panting]
[kids cheer]
Good going, brother!
[blowing]
Come on, gas bag!
Blow your face off!
No fair!
I got about 12 wicks!
Uh la-la-la look!
He's still blowing somehow!
It's going out!
[snip]
[fire roaring]
[Zoidberg whooping]
[all gasp]
♪
My only regret is not getting any cake!
[Pop Goes the Weasel playing]
[cranking]
[creaking]
[mystical music playing]
And the winner of the Tri-State
Musical Chairs Championship
is Philip J. Fry!
Yay!
[Pop Goes the Weasel continues]
[groans] It's been six hours.
Can't you at least play
something a little catchier?
No. We have one song,
and we really like it.
[creaking]
[song stops]
- Oh, breadcrumbs.
- Nobody panic! Two to a seat!
You heard her!
Start panicking! Ah!
[all yelling]
Oh! Oh! [grunts]
[muttering]
[squishing]
Ow! Mom!
[Squid Game -esque vocalizing]
Ah! B'kaw!
[nervous murmuring]
[weasel snarling]
[roars]
[screaming]
[slurps]
[belches]
[growls]
[whimpering, shivering]
Who likes piñatas?
[mystical music playing]
[groaning, yelps]
[body thuds]
- Good try, Bartholomew.
- No, it wasn't.
[grunting]
[scoffs] That's impossible.
It'd take all three Hulks to break that.
Incredible, She, and Hogan.
[grunting]
♪
That's the first time I ever
swung a bat and hit something!
[tense music playing]
[beep]
[whirring]
GAMESTER 2:
Since no one likes candy,
we have filled our piñata with quids!
- I like candy. [groans]
- [wails] My husband is dead!
- I can't go on!
- Okay. [beep]
[bones crunch]
[grunts]
- That wasn't candy.
- I didn't realize you were still alive.
[twang]
Less yakking, more whacking!
[sticks clacking]
[all grunting]
PROFESSOR: Oh! Ow
[thuds]
Guys, I'm good at this.
- The secret is backswing
- Ouch!
and follow-through.
[squishing]
Whoop. Sorry.
[triumphant music playing]
I'm rich!
Finally, I can give up limbo
and start a professional sex league.
[thud]
[elephant trumpets]
[grunts] Ah, hey, mon!
Oh no! My side piece!
[elephant trumpets]
♪
And now for the penultimate game!
And then it will be over?
Th-This is the last game?
Penultimate means next to last.
You lose the vocabulary game!
[beep]
♪
[Kif grunts]
Kiffy! No!
[sobbing]
This fiendish game
will be a treasure hunt
for these orbs of horsehide!
- Blernsballs?
- No, baseballs.
My mom had balls signed by her
favorite members of the 1962 Mets.
She hid them all over the house,
and we had to find them.
There are seven of you,
but only four hidden baseballs!
That's all we had.
And the machine can't make baseballs.
- It's not magic, for God's sake.
- Let the hunt begin!
[mystical music playing]
[gasps] I found a baseball
in the moldy tangerines!
Ah-choo! Ah-choo!
One ball left, kids!
And it's the grand prize,
signed by Choo-Choo Coleman himself.
It's as good as Gedgie's.
[mysterious music playing]
[cabinet creaks]
Don't bother.
I already checked the fridge.
Yeah, but things get lost in there.
Just last night,
we had bicentennial meatloaf.
Red, white, and green.
[jars rattle]
♪
A-ha!
- Way to go, Phil!
- That's my boy!
B-B-But, I searched
every inch of that fridge.
Fry must be cheating!
That would explain why
he's winning everything.
I am not a cheater!
I'm not!
[melancholy music playing]
[cabinets creak]
[Bender whirring]
[tense music playing]
Come on, Fry.
This was your house.
- Please tell me where the baseballs are.
- You want me to cheat?
I can't do that, Leela.
I am not a cheater. I'm not.
Ooh, lookie-see what
I found in the crawlspace!
Signed by both Bob Millers.
[gasps] There's only one left!
Please, Fry!
I know you don't wanna cheat,
but it's me. Leela!
- The woman you occasionally say you love.
- I always love you, Leela,
but there are two things I just can't do.
Almost anything, and cheat.
[melancholy music playing]
You're right.
You're sticking to
your principles. [sniffles]
I'm proud of you.
[wailing, sobbing]
I've never cheated in my life.
Never.
But I'll do it. This once.
Well, he cheated.
You win that bet.
Time to celebrate with a new mask!
[Fry sniffles]
Please remember me as a guy who
never, ever cheated. Until now.
As the last orb has been found,
the hunt is over.
Winners, step forward.
You're not the winners.
Who said you were the winners?
I forgot to mention the winners
are the ones
who don't find the baseballs!
That's on me, guys.
[beep]
[fizzling]
[wailing, sobbing]
Ooh. That was some impressive
reverse cheating, Fry.
For the last time, I'm not a cheater.
Just shut up, Gedgie.
I-I mean, Bendy.
[gasps] How dare you
mangle my blessed name!
Whoa, whoa!
Save it for the finale.
A game which will be played
to the death!
[dramatic sting]
They were all to the death!
[dramatic music playing]
The final game shall be a test
of raw physical prowess!
Prepare yourselves
for a brutal, no-holds-barred
match of [beep]
Pin the Tail on the Donkey!
Aw, he's a cute little whatchacallit.
[roaring, snarling]
Donkey.
[growls]
The beast is clad in armor,
save for this tiny area on its rear.
It is the donkey's Achilles butt.
- All its vital organs are clustered there.
- Just like me! [clanging]
GAMESTER 1:
Simply pin the tail on the butt
to slay the donkey and claim victory.
I'm shivering with excitement
because this game involves
masks!
[beep]
[mystical music playing]
Phil, Semitic kid,
it's down to you two.
- Yes!
- Go, Gedgie!
Woo-hoo!
Yes!
Everything's coming up Gedgie.
Beat that, REO Cheatwagon.
[mysterious music playing]
[whispers]
How's this for cheating?
[dramatic music playing]
[kids yelling]
[stab]
Oh, well. I guess you can't win 'em
[dramatic sting]
- all?
- Look at my boy!
You stabbed that donkey
like a professional donkey stabber!
I'm so proud of you.
We'll go get your presents,
so you can open them.
- Aw!
- This party sucks!
- Told you Fry was a cheater.
- Happy birthday, Fry.
I hope you had fun cheating
'cause nobody else did!
[melancholy music playing]
[door creaks, slams]
[crying]
But I didn't cheat!
I lost a best friend a long time ago
'cause he thought I was cheating,
- and I'm not gonna let it happen again.
- I don't wanna lose you either, Fry.
So I'm gonna prove I'm not cheating.
- Gouge out my eyes!
- Good idea!
Fry's suggestion is beyond horrific.
- Therefore, we shall do it!
- But, to make the game fair,
we shall remove the eyes
of all the players!
- Wait, hold on. What, what?
- Fear not.
Our machine can remove eyes painlessly.
[click, squishing]
[Fry screaming]
Oops! Sorry.
I stepped on your foot.
It's okay. I'm fine.
[click, whirring]
Let the animal abuse begin!
[roaring, snarling]
Alright, you monster whosit.
I'm gonna stick this doohickey
where the dealy don't whatsit.
[snarls, gulps]
[roaring]
- I'm sorry I called you a cheater, buddy.
- [sniffles] Thanks, Bender.
What do you say we team up
and go out fighting?
I say, aw yeah, baby!
Friends to the end!
[both yelling]
[Bender yelps]
My vital ass organs!
You are a cheater!
[grunting, gagging]
♪
Bender? Bender?!
Congratulations, Philip J. Fry.
You are the winner!
Return his eyes
that he might gaze upon
the horror he has wrought!
And the confetti. [beep]
[party horns blowing]
[melancholy music playing]
[crying]
[Donkey gagging]
[Fry grunting]
[roars]
Well, that's that.
I gotta get to church.
The games are now complete.
The winner is her.
Whoever she is.
We thank the players
for their efforts. [beep]
[all gasping, murmuring]
How the shmeck are we alive?
The machine can easily
bring people back to life.
- Did I not mention that either?
- Farewell!
♪
Well, that was the second
worst birthday party I ever had.
All I ever wanted was for people
to believe I'm not a cheater.
We believe you, Fry.
Yeah, seeing as how that
old lady killed you so easy.
- He went down like a sack of shoes.
- I sure did. Thank you, everybody.
Group hug.
Come on! Group hug!
[mystical music playing]
[melancholy music playing]
[cabinet creaks]
Eh, you really think
a games party is a good idea?
I mean, Phil's not much of a competitor.
Yeah, I know.
He still can't work a zipper.
But, he's my son, and I love him,
and I wanna give him a birthday
that'll leave him feeling
like a winner for once.
[Ur Mum by Wet Leg playing]
[blowing]
♪
[record scratch]
♪
♪
♪
Mm, mm, mm ♪
I feel so dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
Mm, mm, mm ♪
[music fades]
When I think about
what you've become ♪
I feel sorry for your mum ♪
You say we're all having fun ♪
Do you know you're the only one? ♪
Dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
Dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
Dumb, dumb, dumb,
dumb, dumb, dumb ♪
Mm, mm, mm ♪
[song fades]
♪