It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e02 Episode Script

Good morning, Philadelphia.
With us today is Frank Reynolds, local business owner and a man with a harrowing story.
That's right.
A few days ago, three thugs tried to mug me.
And I want to be very clear about something.
Um, Mr These pieces of garbage, they don't know who the hell they're dealing with.
Mr.
Reynolds, excuse me.
Do you think maybe you could eat that sandwich later? I'm starving.
You don't have nothing to eat in this show.
Let's get back to your story.
Right, so these punks Yes.
I don't know if they wanted money or they wanted something more sexual.
Wow.
But it's a lucky thing I had my pieces.
Your-your pieces? My guns.
Oh, my.
Anyway, I started blasting.
Bah! Bah! Now, I don't see so good, so I missed, then they ran away, I ran after them.
Okay.
Bang! Tried to shoot them in the back, but I don't run so good either.
Anyway, you guys all think I'm a hero, and I'll accept that responsibility.
Now, weren't you concerned though that an innocent bystander may have Look, crime in this city is out of control.
Mm.
Thank God I went down to Gunther's Guns and picked up a spare.
I don't think one would've done it.
I'm gonna go out and buy some more.
Okay.
And I think you should, too.
Don't be a victim.
- It's time to fight back.
- This is crazy.
- Completely insane.
- Oh, it's driving - me nuts.
- The whole gun thing, it just makes me really hot.
Yeah, well, it's a hot issue and I'm getting hot about it, too.
This is good, we're all hot at the same time.
We should do something about I mean, our schools aren't safe.
There are people out on the streets with assault rifles? We're living in constant fear! Aw, guys, we got to get more guns on the streets! Yeah! Wait, what? We got to get more guns onto the streets.
Yeah, we got to get guns in the right hands.
I mean, we're just not safe.
That's what you guys are hot about? Yeah, didn't you hear what Frank said? Yeah, what are you hot about? There are too many guns on the streets as it is.
Guns off the streets is what we need.
It's way too easy for anybody to just walk into a store and get a gun.
No, it's not.
It getting harder and harder.
The government's trying to take our guns away.
It's way harder than you think, dude.
Guys, we're hot about the complete opposite.
Shoot.
Which is a bummer, 'cause I thought we were on the same page for once.
Still very hot though.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm even hotter if I'm being honest.
Still hot.
Good call on these outfits, dude.
It's the only call.
You know what I mean? Like, you need a guy in a school that even from a mile away, the school shooter sees that guy and says, "Uh-uh.
" "I ain't messing with that dude.
" "I'm not messing with that dude.
I'm not going near that school.
" Uh, gentlemen, I understand that you would like to You How-how did you find me? Oh, shit, I know this dude.
Who-Who's this? This guy was the principal at the high school where I was doing the janitor thing.
Yeah.
Right, so why are you at a middle school now? Well, I was I was transferred.
See, I have tenure, so they couldn't actually fire me, which was, of course, their first choice, thanks to you.
Well, let's not throw barbs at each other.
Look, we're actually here for a good cause.
We want to protect this school.
Oh.
Yeah, we want to be the armed security guards.
Yeah, I brought a piece.
We're good.
Hey, hey, hey, no, no! Calm yourself.
No, you got to put no It's not currently loaded.
That's not the Just put it away.
I hear you, buddy.
I would not want to be around this guy with a gun either.
He has got a hair trigger.
I mean, one little move and he'll just start blasting.
Uh, bullshit.
Look, the point is he shouldn't have a gun in a school in the first place anyway.
No.
Guns just do not belong in schools.
No, they do not.
That is why I brought along a saber.
Aw, Jesus Christ.
Which is just about the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life, because how are you gonna stop a gunman with that? Bro He's gonna get you from a distance.
If I come at you, I'll get to you faster.
We have been arguing about this all day.
Because it's insanity.
Ooh, maybe you can be the judge.
I don't want What? Here we go.
I'm gonna holster my weapon, he'll holster his weapon.
No, we, no I'll do, like, a one, two, three count, you tell us who goes faster.
Please don't do this in here.
Look, dude, this is the only way to tell, okay? And then we can protect your school, but we got to go one step at a time, all right? I mean, for God's sake Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Sorry, sorry.
Look out! Ah.
I guess I do have a hair trigger, huh? Yeah.
All right.
Look at all these maniacs.
Goddamn bloodthirsty freaks walking in off the street.
So easy for anybody to just waltz in and buy a gun.
Let's do it.
Let's buy assault rifles and just prove to Mac and Charlie how easy it is.
Oh, we're gonna, we're gonna.
That's what we'll do.
Hi, how are you, sir? Howdy, I'm Gunther.
What can I do for you? Oh, Gunther himself, purveyor of destruction.
I would like to buy a man destroyer from you, please.
Yeah, nice to meet you, Gunther.
Hey, maybe you could recommend something that could blow a hole through an elephant, you know.
'Cause I need that for my home protection.
Yeah.
I guess you're looking at an AR-15.
Oh, look at that.
Yeah, that's great.
Now, theoretically, Gunther, would I be able to slaughter a roomful of innocent people with that weapon? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Brother, that'd be on you.
That would be on me, wouldn't it? Yeah, that wouldn't be on you at all.
But here you go.
But here you go.
But here you go.
Okay, great, we'll take one of those, please.
Yeah, we got it.
How much would that be? Uh, that's $1,500.
Woof! $1,500 for the privilege, okay.
Hey, what is your, uh, what is your return policy there? All right.
Ooh, 30 days, sounds fair.
My goodness, Dennis, this feels good.
Feels good in my hands.
Oh, good my kids are safe.
I saved everyone! Yeah, my yard's protected.
So, of course, it feels good, you know? But that only proves our point even more.
We'll take two of these, Gunther.
Great.
I'll need your licenses for the background checks.
Okay, yeah.
Yeah, you can drive, you can kill! Oh, Christ, look at this.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit, I love this guy.
become a bit of a local lightning rod in these gun debates here.
Exactly.
Gun sales have skyrocketed.
We're running out of guns, and we have to manufacture more guns; supply is not meeting the demand.
Can we can we cut? Will my hands look this small on the screen? Uh, we're live, sir.
I thought the camera would add ten pounds to my hands, and I don't like the way they look.
Your hands look fine.
Put them down.
This is Jack Kelly.
He's my attorney.
He specializes in Constitutional Law.
Our rights are being infringed upon.
And people like my client won't take it anymore.
The Constitution guarantees our Second Amendment rights.
And these liberals like Al Gore, they're trying to take that away from us with this global warming bullshit.
So, you see the two issues as related somehow? Damn right.
The government of today has no right telling us how to live our lives, because the government of 200 years ago already did.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
They also protected us from tyranny against the seizure of tasteful, artistic photographs of beautiful bodies.
Not now, Jack.
That same government wants to come into our home, tell us what is and what is not art? That's not right! Okay, well, I'm gonna try and, uh, keep things on track here, so Yeah.
Get out and get those guns before they run out, and the government changes the laws.
All right! Yeah! These idiots are buying this? It's crazy.
What is going on? That was fast.
You've been denied.
What? That's ludicrous.
Why? It says here you have an extensive history of felonious behavior.
Oh, there have been incidents, sure, yeah, a few minor indiscretions, but, you know, I-I'm simply a person of interest in most of those cases, all right? Being wanted and being "wanted for questioning" are very, very, very different things, Gunther.
And you've been institutionalized.
Me? She she yeah.
What I mean, one time, for a short period of time.
That-that was against my will.
That doesn't even really count.
That's the only time it counts, Dee.
Okay, look, it was, like, a teeny thing that happened with a college roommate.
It was really no big deal.
Uh, yeah.
Says here you burned her.
I burned her, yeah.
I burned her.
But She was so annoying.
I mean, it She deserved it, okay? She was wearing my stuff, and she was copying me, and You were copying her.
I was copying her, she was copying me It doesn't matter.
Look, I'm sorry, but I can't sell you the guns.
Oh, God.
Oh, well, look at you.
Oh, Gunther the morality king.
"Hi, I'm Gunther, I've never lit anybody on fire before.
" You know, you light one bitch on fire, and everybody freaks out! Oh, you son of a bitch.
It was one time and one thing, I just All right, all right, all right, relax, relax.
Okay, take it easy.
Look, there are other ways to buy guns where people don't go snooping around in your past.
Listen, pal you just made my list.
Your list? Yeah, I have a Shh.
Whatever, let's just go.
Let's go.
How is that tasteless? It's art.
Get that out.
Get that out.
You can't even see the child We'll be right back.
Weather, traffic and a trip to the zoo, coming right up.
Okay, Charlie, I'm gonna demonstrate to you how to thwart an attack.
Mm-hmm.
Now, pretend that this dummy is a school shooter.
Right.
I want you to stand back, 'cause I don't want you to get hurt.
Before he can draw his weapon Hie-aught! Hup, hut, hut! Hie! How awesome was that? Well, yeah, that's-that's pretty awesome, but I feel like he would've shot you from a mile away.
No, no, he wouldn't, because you saw how I was zigzagging like this and making sounds? It was distracting.
Yeah, but did you ever see Indiana Jones, where the guy does the whole sword thing and then he just shoots him dead? Are you asking me if I've seen Indiana Jones? Are you seriously asking me? I've seen that movie That is my You're not understanding.
Do you remember it? Yes.
But if I were to come at you, it's all about how I Okay, in that circumstance, maybe you got there a little bit faster.
I got you.
But if I! Okay.
I got you again.
But I What if I zigzag like this? It's so easy to get you.
And that's that's not necessarily I don't think that that's Hold-hold on a second.
Look at this kid.
Ooh, he's wearing all black, he's walking by himself.
What do you think he's doing on that phone? Oh, I'll tell you exactly what he's doing.
He's playing one of those games where you shoot everyone.
I'm gonna profile this guy really quick.
Excuse us.
Yeah.
Hey, kid, kid, kid.
Stop, stop.
Son, son, I'm sorry, hold up, hold up.
What are you doing on the phone there? None of your business.
A sass-mouth, huh? That's a red flag.
Son, you were asked a question by an adult, okay? You've been asked a question, all right? We're trying to ensafen your school here, okay? And you're acting like a punk? Let me see the phone.
I want to see.
Oh! He's killing zombies! I'm taking this.
What the hell, man? Hey, kid, you're getting off easy! Now get to school.
Go to school.
Just know we're watching you.
Go to class.
Be careful.
Look.
This is a red flag.
These are the kids that are the threats to society, the ones playing the violent video games, man.
I play violent video games.
Well, yeah, I also play violent video games.
I watch violent movies.
Well, yeah, violent movies are the best movies.
And I don't want to kill people.
No, I mean All right, this Yeah, it's not really the best way to tell, you know, who's gonna be a threat or who's not gonna What is going on out here? Nothing, thanks to us, bro.
Well, are-are you stealing kids' cell phones? Stealing, sir? No.
I've been confiscating them as potential evidence.
Are you aware that you're holding children up with a gun and-and a sword? You just you need to stay off of school property.
Sir, we are not on the school property, okay? Yeah, we're outside of the fence by, like We're on the sidewalk, see? You need to stay 1,000 yards away from school property.
I mean, we're trying to keep the school safe! I know, well, yeah.
Well, yeah, we would all feel a lot safer if you were further away.
All right, I'm taking this guy out.
Hey, whoa, settle! Settle, settle, settle! Settle.
Settle down.
Would you please stop pointing that gun at me? The school is safe, thanks to us.
Here's the damn phone.
Well please, just if you could just get away from the school.
Get away from the children.
Hey! Just-just stay away from the children.
Have a good day, sir.
Thank you.
Have a good day.
Go.
We're leaving! We're leaving, we're leaving.
We're leaving.
You know, Charlie, if we can't be in the school zone, maybe we need to train somebody who can be.
You know, someone you'd never suspect could stop a shooter.
I got an idea.
And here we are, Dee, at a gun show, huh? Lowest common denominator.
Is that a bazooka? Insanely dangerous, this place is.
It's crazy.
Oh, look at this guy right here.
He'll probably sell us a gun.
Excuse me, sir.
Um, I would like to buy a gun from you.
Something that is unnecessarily powerful, something you would never need in Philadelphia.
Yeah, ooh, ooh, but you know what you shouldn't do though, is look into our very sketchy pasts.
No.
Uh, it's not a problem.
We all got a sketchy past.
Oh, genuine creep.
Wonderful.
Perfect.
Hey, sir, could you please sell us this AR-15? Yeah.
Uh, despite, you know, who or what we plan to obliterate with it.
And don't ask questions, okay? No.
'Cause we just want to prove to our friends how easy it is to buy a high-capacity rifle.
Absolutely.
All right, man, great.
Hey, so give this guy his 1,500 bucks, and we'll just saunter right out of here with a weapon of mass extinction.
Three grand.
What? I'm sorry.
That's $3,000.
No, not for this.
No, for this, for this.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
At Gunther's it's $1,500.
Oh, this ain't Gunther's.
This a price gouge? Oh, my.
That's illegal.
Oh, you see, I'm a private seller.
That means I can do whatever I want.
Shit.
Fine.
That's fine.
We'll buy it, and we'll return it.
All sales are final.
Come on! I'll show you what's final, you redneck son of a bitch! I will burn you alive like the last bitch who crossed me! Okay, all right, all right, Dee.
That's not getting us anywhere.
Okay, she's hot.
I went I went hot real fast; it just happened.
Well, our whole crew's been hot lately.
We're trying to cool down, but you're not making it any easier.
Mm-mm.
All right, listen, I want this gun, pal.
Okay, I want it, because it's easy to buy a gun.
And I need to prove that to some people, so give me the gun at a fair price, and do it now.
$4,000.
Shit! Four thou? $4,000? Really? I'll tell you what.
How about I just take it, huh? 'Cause I'm a maniac with a gun, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Okay.
Oh, okay.
Oops.
Putting the gun down now.
Okay, this is just a just an exercise, okay, to prove how unsafe it is for everyone to have guns, okay? But I see now that I was the maniac with the gun.
And you all made it safer in here.
Yeah.
Good for you.
Our bad, our bad for this experiment.
Thank you for joining us.
I know you may not see yourself as a solution to a national problem.
You might not think you have the ability, but, uh, believe me, you were you were carefully selected.
And with a little hard work and a whole lot of training, we can help you keep your school safe.
Are there any questions? Yo, can I get some beer? No beer.
No.
We said it, like, a million times.
Guys, guys, how many times do we have to be through this? No beer, okay? All right, you know, you can't drink beer and be effective.
But you guys had, like, five.
Don't count beers, Carlos.
Not cool.
Yeah.
And by the way, Carlos, I've had six.
And I've had seven.
So don't be a rat, okay? And if you are gonna be a rat, get it right.
No more questions.
In fact, no more questions.
You guys are the ones that asked for the questions.
Shut up, Carlos! Carlos, shut up! The time for questions is over.
It's now time for learning.
Okay? You're-you're impeding on your own safety.
Okay, now my friend and I have been arguing all day about the efficacy of swords versus guns.
Okay? So we met in the middle.
Now if you look under your seat, you'll see that each of you has been provided a weapon that you could easily find in your own classroom.
Some of you may have compasses, others, sharp pencils.
Okay, there are forks in the cafeteria, there's piano wire from the music room.
You need to learn how to make every single item in your school a potentially life-threatening weapon.
Look at the person sitting next to you.
That person wants to take you out.
Guys, safety is the name of the game.
It's all about safety.
Let's take it slow.
We're gonna take this in a safe and orderly fashion.
Are you ready to begin? Okay.
And, guys, let's have a little fun.
Shut it, shut it, shut it! Those-those kids are maniacs! Oh, my God, I think they're all in gangs or something! There's a lot of score settling going on in there! Oh, yeah, dude, we created a HungerGames-type scenario in there.
Imagine if they had guns! Oh, it'd be a disaster! An absolute disaster! These kids are all too violent.
It's, like, ingrained in them or something.
Oh, my God, dude, we've been singing the wrong tune.
Society is getting more savage.
We need to get the weapons out of their hands! Maybe we should call the cops, the only people who should have guns! They got to come in here, they got to calm this down! Oh! Oh, shit, Charlie, I got to admit something, dude.
I'm bleeding pretty bad.
One of the kids got you? I nicked myself back in the principal's office just trying to upholster my weapon.
Jesus, man.
I didn't want to say anything 'cause it was a little bit embarrassing.
All right, can I go to the hospital? Yeah, let's go.
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- First they disarm us, then they oppress us.
So I want you to get every gun you can buy and bring it to 17th and JFK, and we're gonna march on City Hall.
And bring whatever guests you want, regardless of age or whatever restriction the government puts on our expression of beauty.
Just get the guns and bring them down to City Hall.
Well, you better believe I'll be there.
I know you'll be there.
Bring your kid.
You have kids? Yes, of course, of course.
Bring them.
I mean, come on.
He's really going off the deep end, Dee.
I don't know.
I hate to admit it, Dennis, but he's got a point, you know.
It doesn't seem like it's all that easy to buy an assault rifle.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't you start with that shit, Dee.
Well, I'm sorry.
It is incredibly easy to buy assault rifle, and I'm gonna prove to you how easy it is right now.
Okay, here comes our guy.
Mm, mm.
No.
Hi.
- Uh, you got my money? - You got my people-killer? Right here.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
That's the stuff, baby.
Now, I got $1,500, which is the fair asking price.
I hope that's okay.
Yeah.
Give it to me.
All right.
There you go.
All right, now, I'm not really totally comfortable rolling the window down.
I'm sure you understand why, so I'm just gonna pop the trunk and you can, uh, you can throw it in there, all right? Back there? Yeah.
In the trunk? Yeah.
Okay, I got you.
You see how easy that is, Dee? You just give a man $1,500 and he gives you an assault rifle.
Uh-oh.
Ooh, ooh.
Ooh, ooh.
What? Where's he going? Well, he appears to be sauntering off.
Well, don't do No.
Well, sir, I gave you the $1,500.
Don't saunter away.
I'm try That's not fair! No, it's not fair! You stop right now! Listen, you stop in your tracks! Uh, Dennis, go stop him.
Denni Go stop? The man has an assault rifle! What am I supposed to do?! Shit! I can't buy one! The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, which we can't get! Goddamn son of a bitch Frank, you were right! Frank was right! Shit! Where's Frank? We're hot.
We're coming in super hot! Where is Frank?! Oh, you guys hot? You guys are still hot? The whole thing's hot, man! Oh, yeah, I'm burning up right now! It's a crazy situation! We're on your side now! We got to get these guns off the streets! Boo-yah! Wait, what? No, no.
Off the streets? What are you, crazy? We need the guns on the streets! Everyone needs to have guns! We need to flood the streets with guns! To stay safe.
Aw, shit.
I mean, I think, uh You know, I think we crossed right past each other like ships in the night, man.
We flip-flopped.
Yeah, 'cause we're on the opposite side now.
That side makes no more sense to me.
If we could've just met up, like, two hours ago Oh, oh, there's Frank.
Hey, Frank! Frank, is that a box of guns? What is that? Guns? No.
Water filters.
Water filters? All right, guys, load 'em in.
Very nice.
Hey, Frank, why do you have a truck full of water filters? Uh, you know what, I don't give a shit.
Let's get down to that rally, man.
Rally? Yeah.
Yes, the freedom rally.
The one you organized.
Ooh, shit, I'm not gonna go down there.
It's gonna be a bunch of nuts with guns.
Too dangerous.
Wait, hold on a second.
What's going on? I thought you were into guns.
You know, why have you been on TV talking about all that shit? I bought a stake in Gunther's Guns.
I got everybody angry and scared.
They bought the guns, I made a fortune.
Oh, my God.
This is crazy.
So you don't give a shit about the gun issue at all? Uh, uh I mean, what the hell? You're like the NRA.
Yeah, a little bit like the NRA.
Little tiny bit.
But I-I think of myself more like Al Gore.
You know, he got everybody worked up over global warming.
Then he made millions.
Huh?! Yeah.
Everybody does it.
Liberals, conservatives, doesn't matter.
This is America: you're either a duper or a dupee.
I'm a duper.
You guys are the dupees.
I got to go.
Where you going now? With us now is local community activist, Frank Reynolds, with a terrifying statistic.
Frank? Yes.
Thank you, Chet.
You're welcome.
Do you know that 90% of your water is 100% toxins? Who knows what the other 10% is? It's probably far worse, I would imagine.
It's really worse.
I have a water filter for you that you need to put in every single home.
It will protect you and your entire family.
You can even give that water to your babies.
Wow.
Well, babies, look out, because this next segment is just for you.
Don't turn that channel.
Your life may depend upon it.
Got to give it to him.
He is good.
That son of a bitch.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna get one of those water filters.
I do kind of want one, right? For safety, for safety.
I mean, he does make some good points.
Yeah.
The water's toxic.
I mean, it is.
Yeah.