Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e02 Episode Script
The Invitationals - Part 2
(male announcer) Tonight on Last Comic Standing, buckle up for the second invitational show.
These kids are so spoiled, they will unplug their granddaddy's oxygen tank and charge their cell phone.
(announcer) It will be hilarious.
It's the quickest head shake you'll ever see.
Yeah! - (announcer) It will be wild.
- Caw! Caw! (announcer) And it will be anything Is that really how you are, though? When I'm excited or when there's a squirrel.
(announcer) But predictable.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(announcer) So strap yourself to the furniture and find out who else will earn a spot in the semifinals and a shot at winning $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[applause.]
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik! [applause.]
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
I'm Anthony Jeselnik, and I'm your host for one reason and one reason only Because NBC is the number one network in the world, and I couldn't say no to the best.
This is our second invitational show, which means we've got a ton of comics with a ton of different names I had to learn to pronounce.
Now please say hello to our three legendary comedy judges, Keenen Ivory Wayans [applause.]
Roseanne Barr [applause.]
And Norm Macdonald.
[applause.]
Let's bring out our very first comic of the night.
Coming to the stage from the City of Angels, Francisco Ramos.
[lively music.]
[applause.]
What's up, guys? So, guys, I was born in Venezuela and now live here in California, which Yeah, which makes me Mexican.
But I'm also a U.
S.
citizen, and when you become a citizen, you have, like, a test about U.
S.
culture, and I think they should make the test harder.
They should make the test like Jeopardy.
That would be a great game show, man.
Just have three immigrants contesting about the U.
S.
culture.
If you lose, you go back to where you came from.
They'd be like, Alex, I'm going to take "Unwelcome" for 1,000.
"Okay, Jose, in this state you are not welcome.
" "What is Arizona?" "You are correct.
" And now that I'm American, I actually want to sound more American, so I'm taking an American accent class.
When I was growing up, I couldn't say the word "focus," and I used to teach tennis to kids.
I was the director of a tennis camp, and I had to do this parent-teacher conference.
So I go and talk to the parents.
I'm like, "Welcome, parents.
"I'm sorry to tell you that your kids will not [bleep.]
us.
" So I used to live with my girlfriend, and one thing that didn't work out is that she was too quiet for me.
You know, it was like I was living with a Prius.
'Cause I'm not used to that 'cause all my ex-girlfriends before her were Latinas.
And Latinas are loud.
They're not like Priuses.
They're like dirt bikes.
They make noise for no reason.
[imitates dirt bike engine.]
[applause.]
What are you saying? Nothing.
[Imitates dirt bike engine.]
And when they get angry, they become like exotic animals.
Like parrots.
Like, Francisco, where you going? Where you going? Caw! Caw! That's my time, guys.
My name's Francisco Ramos.
Thank you guys very much.
Francisco Ramos.
[loud cheering.]
Thank you.
At this point it just sounds like you're making fun of him.
Now, Keenen.
Very fresh take on ethnic humor.
He came out here and was able to talk about himself, his culture, and do it in a way that was intelligent and different than we had seen before.
- So hats off.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Roseanne.
- I think you're a great comic.
All you had to do was listen to the people in the room, but we loved you, and you've got great energy.
And you know what else? Good [bleep.]
us.
[laughter.]
Norm, what'd you think? I liked him maybe not as much as everyone in the audience did, but I still liked him.
I found him very charming, very intelligent.
You know, there's different types of comedians.
Some comedians would like to hear an offering of a joke.
You can say no if you want to.
No, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
Please, please do.
What is the Alex Trebek joke go? In what state do you are not welcome? Yeah.
We would have also accepted Illinois, New York [laughter.]
That's good.
That's good.
Keep it going for one of IA's finest, - Francisco Ramos, everybody.
- Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Performing in front of Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm is just like to me is an honor.
What Keenen said about my comedy being smart is great because that's what I've been trying to do all my stand-up career.
Now let's bring out our next comic.
He's from St.
Louis, but he's here for you right now.
Please give it up for Greg Warren.
[cheering.]
Thank you.
My friends are all married.
Their wives try and set me up.
We'll be at dinner.
"Greg, I've got it.
You need to meet Karen.
She's perfect.
" She might be, but women tend to exaggerate how perfect their friends are.
I don't trust them.
I have to check it out with my buddy.
It's an awkward situation for him.
He wants to give me information.
He doesn't want to make her mad.
It's the quickest head shake you'll ever see.
You know, it's like that.
It's like It's like that.
It's like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
"Did you just give him some sort of signal about Karen?" "No, no, honey.
I love Karen.
Greg, you should marry Karen.
" My friends, man, they're having kids.
Their kids are older.
My buddy has a 22-year-old daughter.
He showed me a picture of her.
He goes, "Hey, what do you think of that?" I'm like, "Um "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say.
Like, is this a sting operation?" Here's the best thing you can say.
You say, "Wow, she's a real heartbreaker.
" And they love it.
They're like, "Yeah, she's a heartbreaker.
She'll break your heart.
Heartbreaker.
Heartbreaker.
" Like it's a compliment.
Like, what am I saying? Your daughter is going to ruin some kid's life someday.
"That's how we raised her.
She's a life ruiner.
She is.
Her mother was a life ruiner, actually.
" I don't know.
I I live in New York, actually.
I'm not from there.
There's a lot of different cultures there.
My neighbors are Muslim, and I'm learning about their culture.
I learned this.
Muslim women are not supposed to make eye contact with unfamiliar men.
So, like, my neighbor, when we pass in the hallway, like, she doesn't look at me.
But, I mean, she really doesn't look at me.
Like, she gives it a little bit of extra effort.
I think it's her way of saying, "Hey, even if I wasn't Muslim, I wouldn't look at you.
" You know, yeah.
I never realized, you know, I guess a lot of the girls in my high school were Muslim.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Greg Warren, everyone.
Greg Warren, giving Muslims the business.
Great job, Greg.
Now, Roseanne, you're neither Muslim nor attracted to Greg Warren.
What did you think of his comedy? - Great material.
- Thank you.
And I think also, it's all right here.
You have all those expressions, and they're so small, but yet they're so universal and It's almost like a close-up magician, that they're always considered much better than the big magicians, you know? Almost, but, um [laughter.]
- I think you did a great job.
- Thanks, Roseanne.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thank you.
A great comedian is somebody who will do one joke that is so funny that you don't care what the rest of his set is.
[chuckles.]
The quick look [laughs.]
- So funny.
- Was so funny.
- It was just brilliant.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Greg, can I offer you a joke? Sure.
I used to do this, and it never worked, but I think you could do it.
[laughter.]
It's when bus drivers are driving their buses and then they see another bus driver, and they they nod.
[Laughs.]
So it's incredibly subtle.
So you wanna try that? Want me to do it now? Yeah, just do it now.
I'm actually a bus driver, and every now and then, one of my buddies will pass me on the way, so I tend to give them one of these, you know? - Yeah! - Get up! Get up out of your seats for Greg Warren.
[lively music.]
You've just seen our first group of comedians.
It's time for our first commercial break.
So go to the bathroom and make room for more.
We'll be right back.
(announcer) Coming up, is she the new voice of a generation? Do you guys think people who live in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicans"? (announcer) Or is he the new face of the nation? Before you came out, Roseanne and I were looking at your picture, and she goes, "I don't know if this is a girl or a guy.
" [laughter.]
(announcer) And later, an apocalyptic performance.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Yay.
I'm your host Anthony Jeselnik, but you can call me handsome.
Let's meet our next comic.
He's from the nation's capital.
That's Washington, D.
C.
, for all you dumbasses out there.
It's KT Tatara.
[lively music.]
[applause.]
My name's KT, and I'm a man living with pretty cheekbones, so there it is.
I see you looking, Keenen.
[laughs.]
It's weird being a pretty dude.
It's not the compliment you wanna get, you know? I think I came out like this because, uh I'm half Asian, but my dad's Japanese and my mom's white, which is backwards, right? You know what I'm talking about.
Usually it's like the little Asian mom and the pervy, creepy, white dad.
I like being mixed race, though, man.
It's cool.
Like, you get cool family stories.
For instance, my grandfather was in World War II.
The white one.
Don't get nervous.
He was in the Navy.
He returned home safely after killing my other grandfather, so thank you very much.
Okay, that part's not true.
He was in the Navy.
He just didn't kill my other grandfather.
I would've never been born, right? Grandpa kills the grandpa, baby's never you get it.
You know what, Asian people never like that joke.
Not 'cause it's, like, mean.
They just do the calculations real quick, like [affected accent.]
"Oh, not possible.
" "No.
" I went to Japan two years ago.
It was cool.
I learned some stu I figured out why they're so smart.
I always wondered that.
I was like, "Why are they so good at technology?" It's simple.
It's 'cause they're good listeners.
That's all it is.
No matter what you say to them, they're always very focused.
That's why you always hear them going [affected accent.]
"[gasps.]
Ooh.
"Oh! Ooh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh.
Oh.
" Like, they're discovering things all the time.
No, but seriously, I figured out why they make that sound.
'Cause they do make it a lot.
And it's 'cause of the sentence structure.
It's the grammar.
It's all scrambled up compared to English.
So the verb is always at the end of the sentence.
So you gotta listen to the whole thing just to know what a person's saying, right? So, like, it'd be like if I said to you in English, "Yesterday I, at the store, many hats stole.
" You'd be like, "Ooh.
" [laughter.]
My name's KT.
Thanks a lot.
KT Tatara, everybody.
Nice job, KT.
That was great.
Finally some cheekbone material that I can relate to.
- Um, Keenen.
- Well, here's what's funny, KT.
Before you came out, Roseanne and I were looking - at your picture - Oh, no.
And she goes, "I don't know if this is a girl or a guy.
" - Oh.
- So the fact The fact that you opened with that was just brilliant.
That was that was very funny.
You did something, and the jokes worked even though you did it.
You did the math first, and then you did the Japanese person doing the math.
You should just let them do the math.
Oh, okay.
You understand what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah.
Oh! (Audience) Oh! [laughter.]
[affected accent.]
Ooh.
[applause.]
Yay for the audience.
Yeah, that was good.
Roseanne, do me a favor.
Explain why KT had such a great set tonight.
Your material is just it's so intelligent, so good.
- It was wonderful.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The set was amazing.
There was a deep flaw in the final joke.
The "ohh, ooh.
" Um the way you set it up was that that's how they react to people who speak English, but people who speak English don't end their, uh, sentences with verbs.
So therefore, the Asian would not react in that way to a Westerner.
So you can change it by just having them - react to each other.
- I see what you're saying.
Okay, right, just to make it a little more accurate, - so it's tighter.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Not so it's tighter, just so it's correct.
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Ohh.
KT Tatara.
Good job, man.
[lively music.]
All right, here's an interesting short piece about our next comic.
Take a look.
[bouncy music.]
(woman) You ready to go fishing? My name's Andy Erikson, and I'm from Ham Lake, Minnesota.
You're probably wondering if magical creatures live in Ham Lake.
Well [whistles.]
[chitters.]
[screeches.]
[chirps.]
Here they come.
[duck quacks.]
Growing up, I was weird, quirky.
I wasn't necessarily good at, you know, having friends.
I made friends with the school therapist.
I had to wear a back brace.
I'd be like, "Mom, the kids, they're making fun of me.
" She's like, "Oh, they just wish they had a cool place to put magnets.
" I got one.
I got one.
I got one.
(Andy) It took me a while to figure out if stand-up was something I wanted to do.
The first comedian I really looked up to was Ellen DeGeneres.
I thought she was adorable and fun and didn't offend anyone.
Hey, we're both from Ham Lake! The first time I went to a comedy club, I looked around, and there were all these weird, cool, funny people.
And I was like, "Holy buckets, these are all comedians.
This is great.
" Andy, remember when Grandma and I would drive you to all of your comedy shows? Oh, yeah.
I am so proud of Andrea.
She's always had such a positive attitude and a zest for life.
Oh, my God! (Alex) I fell in love with Andy from the very first joke.
I knew that she was genuine and that she was hilarious and very pretty.
Hopefully America will just fall in love with Andy.
(Andy) I hope to win Last Comic Standing 'cause I want Ham Lake to be known for not only its great well water but comedian Andy Erikson.
(Anthony) Andy Erikson.
[applause.]
I was talking to one of my friends today, and she was like, "I spent $70 to fill my tank.
" And I was like, "Whoa! "Whoa! Whoa! You drive a tank?" When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park.
Yup.
The theme of the park was trailer.
So So It's cool growing up in a trailer park 'cause you get to pretend like you're a movie star.
You know? You can be like, "If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.
" Just smoking meth and eating my cat.
[chomping.]
I went to the bathroom today.
Yeah, every day! But I went in there, and I was so excited.
I looked in the toilet, and there was a wooden shoe in the toilet.
I was like, "Oh, no! My toilet's clogged.
" So So Do you guys think people who live in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicans"? So I love texting.
Texting is so great, but a typo can just ruin everything.
Like, I was texting my boyfriend, and I wanted to say something cute.
I wanted to be like, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
" But what I accidently sent was "Kids, kids, kids, kids.
" [laughter.]
Thanks.
That's my time.
(Anthony) Andy Erikson, everybody.
Keep it going for Andy Erikson.
Roseanne, did Andy make Ham Lake proud, or is she a waste of a perfectly good boy's name? [laughter.]
Um, well, I really liked you.
Is that really how you are, though? When I'm excited or when there's a squirrel.
[laughter.]
I think you're a great wordsmith - Oh, thank you.
- And your writing's fantastic.
Um, couple times I wanted to get up there and, you know, just smack ya 'cause, you know, your voice is irritating.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
- You're good.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Keenen, what do you think? The quality of the jokes - were inconsistent - Yeah.
But what you have going for you is your ability to just keep raising the stakes.
Yeah.
Right.
Each joke better than the next one.
The audience will get sick with laughter because of the persona that's delivering the jokes.
Okay, cool.
I think that, uh, when you do a character that strong 'cause it's a character, - it's not you - You don't know.
[laughter.]
They don't know, but we know.
But if you do a character that strong, the jokes have to be extremely strong, and the more wild the character, like, you know, Emo Philips was about the wildest character there was, but the jokes were gold.
And but I think your jokes are very, very good.
- Okay.
- I thought it was sterling.
- Okay, yeah! - Yeah.
Andy Erikson, everybody.
One more time for Andy Erikson.
- Great job, Andy.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Get out of here.
- Ha-ha.
- You're not leaving.
Take it! Take it home with you.
Andy! Leave the dress.
[lively music.]
- They're so different.
- Yeah.
- You know? - It's exciting.
(announcer) Up next, this comic tries to bring peace to the Middle East.
I'm Palestinian.
My roommate is Jewish.
So we're always fighting over where his room starts and mine ends, and it's like, ugh! (announcer) But will it end in war? Every joke after that seemed bad.
What are you talking about? That was some great political material.
We're back Last Comic Standing.
- Whoo-hoo! - Moving right along.
Please welcome Sammy Obeid.
[applause.]
I'm Sammy.
I majored in math.
That's why I do comedy now.
I know a lot of people hate math, but half of us are good at it, you know? Half of the world is technically above the 50th percentile.
Right? And if you don't know what that means, you're below it.
Sorry, that's a mean joke.
It's about averages, so that's the thing.
I write these math jokes, right? They don't get a lot of respect.
I was trying to impress a girl.
I was like, "What did the triangle say to the square when they were buying a house together?" "Cosine.
" [grunts.]
Guys, come on.
These are math jokes.
I'm using my degrees.
But a little bit about me.
I'm a mix.
I'm mixed.
My dad is a man, and my mom is a woman.
So I'm half man, half woman.
I'm also part Palestinian.
My roommate is Jewish.
So we're always fighting over where his room starts and mine ends.
And it's like, ugh! [laughs.]
He pays more rent, but I've been there longer.
You know what I mean? People always think that I look Indian for some reason.
That's their first guess.
Like, that's the only country some people know.
Like, "You're Indian.
You must be from India.
" Like, you can't just pick any brown person and call us Indian.
You're not Columbus.
You know what I mean? [laughter.]
Right? And I love Indian culture.
My best friend is Indian.
So it's an arranged friendship, and we We went to the park, and his cousins came rolling ten deep.
That was one of their names, Tendeep.
Uh, but they had they had their Prius not the car, two girls named Priya, the Priyas.
The Priyas they started fighting.
I broke up the fight because they're Hindu.
I'm like, "You can't have beef.
" [laughter.]
Thank you so much.
I'm Sammy Obeid.
- Thank you.
- Sammy Obeid, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Keenen, what do you have for Sammy? Is it presents? Uh, well, I have some math for Sammy.
He's gonna love it then.
You should take the middle of your act, subtract the beginning and the end, because that's where you shine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stop doing the silly stuff.
You got some really solid, funny material.
Hone that.
Stay with that.
- You're great.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaking of tricks, Roseanne, what do you think? [laughs.]
Well, you know what, I am, like, actually tearing up a little bit because when people from other cultures bring all that stuff we don't know right up the wide middle, it's such a an honor to comedy.
And, uh, man, you did it honor.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Norm, what'd you think? Well, uh, I agree with Keenen completely.
He's obviously disabused You have this notion that things have to be chronological, so you don't have to start with the With knowing about math or whatever that was.
[laughter.]
The strongest joke in your act Should've been your opening joke, was the half man, half woman.
- That's a great joke.
- Now, that's a great joke.
Unfortunately, every joke after that, that joke makes seem bad.
- No.
Oh, no way.
- Because, I would say, take the half man, half woman joke and, uh, go back to the old drawing board.
What are you talking about? That was some great political material.
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you.
Thanks.
It might have been.
Sammy Obeid, everybody.
Keep it going for Sammy Obeid.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
(Keenen) He makes himself look dumb - and then incredibly brilliant.
- Yeah.
And then dumb.
It's like, no, just be brilliant.
You're right about that.
Bye.
[Overlapping chatter.]
At this moment it's like, "Oh, please let me hurry up and get the mic in my hand.
" [applause.]
Yesterday I went and bought a $700 weave, so I gotta stay in this contest long enough to get my $700 back.
Nobody cared about our feelings growing up.
We didn't even have simple protections like seatbelts.
There was three of us standing up in the back of my uncle Billy's pickup truck.
We were rolling around like bowling pins.
You had to earn everything you got growing up.
If your grades weren't good, you didn't get all these toys and gadgets and stuff.
These kids are so spoiled, they will unplug their granddaddy's oxygen tank to charge their cell phone.
[laughter.]
I don't like the way people design things for people who are disabled because they never really understand what we want.
For instance, my walker, okay? It has brakes, okay? There's never gonna be a day in my life that I move so fast [laughter.]
My girlfriend's actually from Scotland, so we joke around that if we have a son, we're gonna call him DeSean Connery.
[laughter.]
What's great is that my girlfriend is living with me now too, y'all, but it's funny because I'm not gonna lie, I used to complain about all the white people moving to my neighborhood.
You see what I did? I gentrified my own joint.
[laughter.]
I'm disappointed, but I try not to complain too much just 'cause it's annoying when people complain about stuff that doesn't really affect them, right? Like anytime that I hear a grown-ass adult who's like, "Man, Justin Bieber sucks.
" Yeah, I agree with you, but that's not weird 'cause I'm a 27-year-old man.
He's for, at best, children.
It's not for you.
That's like if I went into the Baby Gap and just went, "Hey! Your clothes are too small!" "I can't wear this to work! I'll look ridiculous!" That's why I hate it when people talk about, like, white privilege, male privilege, right? 'Cause I believe in both of those things, just bums me out to be reminded that I'm losing at life on its lowest difficulty setting.
That's all for me.
Thanks, everybody.
(Roseanne) First when you came out I thought you were doing Norm's act.
I mean, you sounded just like Norm when you first came out there.
I was really hoping no one would notice that.
- Yeah.
- What an insult.
Well, Norm noticed and told me to say it.
I really did think that, but I think you're really good.
Thank you.
David Tveite, everybody.
[applause.]
(announcer) Coming up, let the buyer beware.
I don't know if you actually been on craigslist and actually been over to somebody's house, but when you get there, both parties think they're gonna be murdered.
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Yay! Whoo-hoo! She's from Washington, D.
C.
, and she only has one name.
But it's a good one.
Let's hear it for Dominique.
[applause.]
The older you get, you know, you look at things differently.
Like social media.
We Instagram anything.
At the grocery store, Instagram the ketchup.
"That's gonna set that hamburger off.
" What are you talking about? Like ketchup just came out.
When I knew social media really got weird, when I got a friend request on Facebook from my biological father.
Now, I haven't talked to this man in, like, 35 years, but he sent me a friend request.
And I wasn't gonna be his friend, but my mother said, "Accept.
He owe me money.
" I said okay.
I said okay.
[cheers and applause.]
So I talked to him.
He said, "Well, what you been up to?" I said, "For the last 35 years?" I said, "I got to write a book to say all that.
" I said, "But how you doing?" He said, "Well, you know I been sick.
" I said, "Well, what's wrong with you?" "Well, I need a kidney transplant.
" [audience oohs.]
So I said, "Okay, well, what you gonna do?" He said, "That's why I'm calling all my kids.
" I said, "Well, sir, I don't have an extra kidney.
" He said, "Well, if I don't get a kidney, they say I'm gonna die.
" I said, "Well, people die.
" They die.
So I said, "Well, why is your kidney bad?" He said, "Well, you know I'm an alcoholic.
" I said, "Sir, I don't know anything about you.
" I said, "But why would I give you my healthy kidney "so you can drink my kidney under the table "and I gotta drink water and run marathons "for the rest of my life? That don't make any sense.
" He said, "Well, I don't know what to do.
" I said, "When you don't know what to do, "you have to pray and ask God to let His will be done.
"And if you make it, there it is.
"If you don't, there it is.
"But if I gotta give you a kidney, there it is.
" I'm Dominique.
[cheering.]
Dominique, everybody.
There it is.
Hello, Dominique.
Way to go, Dominique.
Now, Roseanne, you went by one name for a while when you were at your craziest.
[laughs.]
What advice do you have for Dominique? Ha! I loved watching you.
You know how to work the room.
You're a seasoned professional comedian.
And what I loved the most are when people are up there talking about the reality of the stuff they've faced and how they transcended it through humor.
And thank you.
It was great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[applause.]
I think that was a remarkable story.
It's hard to make people smile, and you made me smile.
- And I think you're very good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I enjoyed you very much.
Your jokes were hilarious, and I thought you did a great job.
Dominique, everybody.
Keep it going for Dominique.
(Dominique) I think it went great.
We'll see at the end.
But I think I'll make it to the next round.
Let's get ready for our next comedian.
He's from Chicago, the home of a lot of other comedians on this show.
It's Junior Stopka.
[cheering.]
I'm the baby in my family.
Uh, they call me the baby not because I'm the youngest, it's because I still take baths in sinks.
And I love people blowing on my belly button.
I got a free coffee table on craigslist.
That's that's right, I won.
Uh I don't know if you actually been on craigslist and actually been over to somebody's house, but when you get there, both parties think they're gonna be murdered, right? So what you gotta do is you gotta try to out-murder the murderer.
Right? You gotta be smart.
You gotta be coy.
I sent in my email, I'm like, "I like coffee tables.
" Smiley face.
That'll get 'em.
Right? Then I come to your house, and you open the door, and you see my face, and you're like, "Oh, no.
Here's my murderer.
" Right? But I'm nervous too.
I'm like, "Don't murder me either.
" You know? "I brought a knife just in case you got a knife.
" "You got a knife?" "Yeah, I got a knife.
" You know how these You know how these knife people act, right? I'm like, "Ah, you know what? "Let's just both raise our knives, "one hand on the coffee table, okay? Count of three.
One two" And then you slit their throat.
And if I come by your house and you know how to play the guitar, I don't wanna hear it.
I'm just over here to drink your free booze and do your free drugs.
And then you gotta be like, "Oh, that's an excellent acoustic rendition of Mama Said Knock You Out.
" [laughter.]
[applause.]
Thank you guys very much.
Junior Stopka, everybody.
I love that craigslist murder stuff 'cause that's what I always warn my kids when they're always on I'm like, "People will murder you if you go over to their house.
" So I thought that was really, really funny.
- You did great.
- I agree with Roseanne.
I enjoyed the craigslist thing, and that was your best joke.
And that's where you're supposed to be.
You don't want to drop the audience and have to pick 'em back up, you know? You just wanna grab 'em and hold 'em.
Norm, how'd you feel about Junior Stopka? Let me say, first of all, that I like that you dress funny.
I feel that most comics just say funny things, but, you know, you can walk funny and talk funny and dress funny.
And the old comics did, and that's what you remind me of.
You remind me of almost like a humorist.
Like, in the old days, you know? Nobody's gonna remember, but Josh Billings or Mark Twain, but it's almost like you're walking around whittling, talking to yourself, letting the audience come to you.
I thought it was original, and I look forward to seeing him lots more.
All right.
High praise from Norm Macdonald.
Last chance to make some noise for Junior Stopka, everybody.
Thanks, guys.
Man, there's some good comics today, right? - Yes, tonight's ooh.
- Whoo.
(announcer) Coming up the end is near.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(announcer) And then find out who moves on to the semi-finals.
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
And we've made it to our final comic of the night, but I can't bring him out yet because I'm hungry.
Hungry for another mini-documentary.
Take a look.
[upbeat music.]
My name's Tony Baker.
I'm 37 years old.
I feel like I'm 23? I'm a divorced father of two teenage boys.
- How was school, guys? - Good.
My ex-wife and I are on very good terms.
We've always been a strong parental unit.
Like, whatever she says I back up.
"Mom said we gotta jump out the plane with no parachute.
" Well, you heard your mother.
Jump! We have the same routine every day.
I'll pick the boys up from school, do homework.
We go get snacks.
(woman on intercom) We are now sampling salsa and chips on aisle ten.
(Tony) I'm not an internationally known comic like that.
I'm on the blue collar tip.
So I gotta stretch that dollar.
Can I get one more? Some of the employees recognize us because we're in there like every day.
(woman) Good to see you again.
Thank you, Bernice.
Oh, my pleasure, you know that.
Mm-hmm.
Raising kids and performing stand-up can be a tight rope, but I feel like I'm funnier because I am a dad.
My dad is a prankster, jokester, funny, hilarious, and all around a good dad.
Take your glasses off when you go back so you can look a little different.
(Cincere) I'm very proud of my dad for being on Last Comic Standing and I hope he wins.
She never knew! Winning Last Comic Standing would definitely change my life.
We gonna spend crazy amounts of money on sectional couches, printers, big screen TVs, all of lavishness.
The samples.
(Anthony) Tony Baker.
[applause.]
Men, we never go to the doctor.
We only go when something's wrong.
That's when we go.
"Oh, oh, oh.
" We think everything's gas when something's wrong with us.
"Oh, it's just gas.
" My appendix burst last May.
I thought it was gas for two days.
My doctor bill was $46,000.
[audience gasps.]
- Yeah.
You ever get a bill so high you just laugh at it? It might as well have been $1.
5 million.
Either way it's not getting paid.
My appendix was gone, man.
I just threw that bill up in the air and paused like Mary Tyler Moore.
I was just like It's all I could do, man.
That's why I admire women.
Y'all always go to the doctor.
Men, we never go.
That's why dudes die immediately.
Like, dudes just be dying out the blue.
"I never knew he was sick!" We go to the doctor, he be like, "You got two days to live, Tony.
What happened to you?" "I-I never knew!" "Yeah.
" Women know.
Y'all know off top.
"Yeah, they said I was gonna die 16 years ago to the day.
" And I got two teenage boys, man.
They killing me slowly, too, man.
Two teenage boys will kill you slow and fast at the same time, man.
My oldest son is the athlete, the strong guy.
Like, if the car flipped over, he can pull me out.
My youngest son shuts down when it goes down.
When something happens, he shuts down.
Like he'll spill a drink and just shut down.
And he'll be like, "Oh, ohh, ohh.
"Ohh.
"Ohh, dang.
Ohh" If the house is burning, he gonna burn with the house.
He gonna be like, "Ohh.
"I'm on fire, Dad.
Ohh.
" My name's Tony Baker, y'all.
Thank you.
[applause.]
Tony Baker, everybody.
Tony Baker.
- Roseanne.
- I wanna hear more of that come right up the middle, every man, all-American thing.
And you've got it.
All right.
Thank you.
Keenen, have at it.
Comedians are broken down in to, sort of, animation and attitude, and then joke writers.
The best have all three.
I think your strongest was the attitude and the animation and within that had some great jokes, but I think that that's where your next level is, is just the construct of the setup and the punch line, but everything else was great.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, Norm, the crowd loved him, so I can only assume that means My main interests are doing this and death.
[laughs.]
So, you're right in my wheelhouse.
You tackled the deepest subject beautifully.
Okay.
All right, thank you.
How are you not whittling a pipe right now? [laughter.]
You whittle a stick.
You smoke a corncob pipe.
I think is what you're thinking about.
But what Tony and I are talking about is not whittling pipes.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(Anthony) It's right here.
Your final comedian of the night, Tony Baker, everybody.
Now the comics are at the mercy of our legendary judges.
- She no.
- No.
- Uh - He was great.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's real.
- The question is do we wanna give either one of these another shot? I think we've forgotten about him, but he did have a lot of jokes.
[overlapping chatter.]
(Junior) Norm said that I was original and unique.
Best compliments I ever got in my career.
(Sammy) I thought maybe Keenen and Norm would like me more, but Roseanne was a big supporter.
I think I might have her vote, yeah.
(Anthony) Welcome back, this is our second invitational show.
Now we're moments away from revealing the judges selections for the semi-finals.
[applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Andy Erikson.
[Cheering.]
Holy buckets.
I'm so excited, and I can't wait to do it again.
(Anthony) Greg Warren [cheering.]
Dominique, Tony Baker, Francisco Ramos, Cyrus McQueen, KT Tatara, Alycia Cooper, and tonight's last comic moving on to the semi-finals is Sammy Obeid.
[Cheering.]
Wow, I made it through.
I'm gonna keep delivering in this competition.
Whoo! That's a guarantee.
(Anthony) And there you have it.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
See you next week.
(announcer) Nine comedians from tonight's show have moved on.
They'll join the previous 14 semi-finalists in the next round.
These kids are so spoiled, they will unplug their granddaddy's oxygen tank and charge their cell phone.
(announcer) It will be hilarious.
It's the quickest head shake you'll ever see.
Yeah! - (announcer) It will be wild.
- Caw! Caw! (announcer) And it will be anything Is that really how you are, though? When I'm excited or when there's a squirrel.
(announcer) But predictable.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(announcer) So strap yourself to the furniture and find out who else will earn a spot in the semifinals and a shot at winning $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
[applause.]
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik! [applause.]
Welcome to Last Comic Standing.
I'm Anthony Jeselnik, and I'm your host for one reason and one reason only Because NBC is the number one network in the world, and I couldn't say no to the best.
This is our second invitational show, which means we've got a ton of comics with a ton of different names I had to learn to pronounce.
Now please say hello to our three legendary comedy judges, Keenen Ivory Wayans [applause.]
Roseanne Barr [applause.]
And Norm Macdonald.
[applause.]
Let's bring out our very first comic of the night.
Coming to the stage from the City of Angels, Francisco Ramos.
[lively music.]
[applause.]
What's up, guys? So, guys, I was born in Venezuela and now live here in California, which Yeah, which makes me Mexican.
But I'm also a U.
S.
citizen, and when you become a citizen, you have, like, a test about U.
S.
culture, and I think they should make the test harder.
They should make the test like Jeopardy.
That would be a great game show, man.
Just have three immigrants contesting about the U.
S.
culture.
If you lose, you go back to where you came from.
They'd be like, Alex, I'm going to take "Unwelcome" for 1,000.
"Okay, Jose, in this state you are not welcome.
" "What is Arizona?" "You are correct.
" And now that I'm American, I actually want to sound more American, so I'm taking an American accent class.
When I was growing up, I couldn't say the word "focus," and I used to teach tennis to kids.
I was the director of a tennis camp, and I had to do this parent-teacher conference.
So I go and talk to the parents.
I'm like, "Welcome, parents.
"I'm sorry to tell you that your kids will not [bleep.]
us.
" So I used to live with my girlfriend, and one thing that didn't work out is that she was too quiet for me.
You know, it was like I was living with a Prius.
'Cause I'm not used to that 'cause all my ex-girlfriends before her were Latinas.
And Latinas are loud.
They're not like Priuses.
They're like dirt bikes.
They make noise for no reason.
[imitates dirt bike engine.]
[applause.]
What are you saying? Nothing.
[Imitates dirt bike engine.]
And when they get angry, they become like exotic animals.
Like parrots.
Like, Francisco, where you going? Where you going? Caw! Caw! That's my time, guys.
My name's Francisco Ramos.
Thank you guys very much.
Francisco Ramos.
[loud cheering.]
Thank you.
At this point it just sounds like you're making fun of him.
Now, Keenen.
Very fresh take on ethnic humor.
He came out here and was able to talk about himself, his culture, and do it in a way that was intelligent and different than we had seen before.
- So hats off.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- Roseanne.
- I think you're a great comic.
All you had to do was listen to the people in the room, but we loved you, and you've got great energy.
And you know what else? Good [bleep.]
us.
[laughter.]
Norm, what'd you think? I liked him maybe not as much as everyone in the audience did, but I still liked him.
I found him very charming, very intelligent.
You know, there's different types of comedians.
Some comedians would like to hear an offering of a joke.
You can say no if you want to.
No, no, I'm good.
I'm good.
Please, please do.
What is the Alex Trebek joke go? In what state do you are not welcome? Yeah.
We would have also accepted Illinois, New York [laughter.]
That's good.
That's good.
Keep it going for one of IA's finest, - Francisco Ramos, everybody.
- Thank you, guys.
Thank you.
Performing in front of Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm is just like to me is an honor.
What Keenen said about my comedy being smart is great because that's what I've been trying to do all my stand-up career.
Now let's bring out our next comic.
He's from St.
Louis, but he's here for you right now.
Please give it up for Greg Warren.
[cheering.]
Thank you.
My friends are all married.
Their wives try and set me up.
We'll be at dinner.
"Greg, I've got it.
You need to meet Karen.
She's perfect.
" She might be, but women tend to exaggerate how perfect their friends are.
I don't trust them.
I have to check it out with my buddy.
It's an awkward situation for him.
He wants to give me information.
He doesn't want to make her mad.
It's the quickest head shake you'll ever see.
You know, it's like that.
It's like It's like that.
It's like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
"Did you just give him some sort of signal about Karen?" "No, no, honey.
I love Karen.
Greg, you should marry Karen.
" My friends, man, they're having kids.
Their kids are older.
My buddy has a 22-year-old daughter.
He showed me a picture of her.
He goes, "Hey, what do you think of that?" I'm like, "Um "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say.
Like, is this a sting operation?" Here's the best thing you can say.
You say, "Wow, she's a real heartbreaker.
" And they love it.
They're like, "Yeah, she's a heartbreaker.
She'll break your heart.
Heartbreaker.
Heartbreaker.
" Like it's a compliment.
Like, what am I saying? Your daughter is going to ruin some kid's life someday.
"That's how we raised her.
She's a life ruiner.
She is.
Her mother was a life ruiner, actually.
" I don't know.
I I live in New York, actually.
I'm not from there.
There's a lot of different cultures there.
My neighbors are Muslim, and I'm learning about their culture.
I learned this.
Muslim women are not supposed to make eye contact with unfamiliar men.
So, like, my neighbor, when we pass in the hallway, like, she doesn't look at me.
But, I mean, she really doesn't look at me.
Like, she gives it a little bit of extra effort.
I think it's her way of saying, "Hey, even if I wasn't Muslim, I wouldn't look at you.
" You know, yeah.
I never realized, you know, I guess a lot of the girls in my high school were Muslim.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Greg Warren, everyone.
Greg Warren, giving Muslims the business.
Great job, Greg.
Now, Roseanne, you're neither Muslim nor attracted to Greg Warren.
What did you think of his comedy? - Great material.
- Thank you.
And I think also, it's all right here.
You have all those expressions, and they're so small, but yet they're so universal and It's almost like a close-up magician, that they're always considered much better than the big magicians, you know? Almost, but, um [laughter.]
- I think you did a great job.
- Thanks, Roseanne.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Thank you.
A great comedian is somebody who will do one joke that is so funny that you don't care what the rest of his set is.
[chuckles.]
The quick look [laughs.]
- So funny.
- Was so funny.
- It was just brilliant.
- Thanks.
Yeah.
Greg, can I offer you a joke? Sure.
I used to do this, and it never worked, but I think you could do it.
[laughter.]
It's when bus drivers are driving their buses and then they see another bus driver, and they they nod.
[Laughs.]
So it's incredibly subtle.
So you wanna try that? Want me to do it now? Yeah, just do it now.
I'm actually a bus driver, and every now and then, one of my buddies will pass me on the way, so I tend to give them one of these, you know? - Yeah! - Get up! Get up out of your seats for Greg Warren.
[lively music.]
You've just seen our first group of comedians.
It's time for our first commercial break.
So go to the bathroom and make room for more.
We'll be right back.
(announcer) Coming up, is she the new voice of a generation? Do you guys think people who live in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicans"? (announcer) Or is he the new face of the nation? Before you came out, Roseanne and I were looking at your picture, and she goes, "I don't know if this is a girl or a guy.
" [laughter.]
(announcer) And later, an apocalyptic performance.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Yay.
I'm your host Anthony Jeselnik, but you can call me handsome.
Let's meet our next comic.
He's from the nation's capital.
That's Washington, D.
C.
, for all you dumbasses out there.
It's KT Tatara.
[lively music.]
[applause.]
My name's KT, and I'm a man living with pretty cheekbones, so there it is.
I see you looking, Keenen.
[laughs.]
It's weird being a pretty dude.
It's not the compliment you wanna get, you know? I think I came out like this because, uh I'm half Asian, but my dad's Japanese and my mom's white, which is backwards, right? You know what I'm talking about.
Usually it's like the little Asian mom and the pervy, creepy, white dad.
I like being mixed race, though, man.
It's cool.
Like, you get cool family stories.
For instance, my grandfather was in World War II.
The white one.
Don't get nervous.
He was in the Navy.
He returned home safely after killing my other grandfather, so thank you very much.
Okay, that part's not true.
He was in the Navy.
He just didn't kill my other grandfather.
I would've never been born, right? Grandpa kills the grandpa, baby's never you get it.
You know what, Asian people never like that joke.
Not 'cause it's, like, mean.
They just do the calculations real quick, like [affected accent.]
"Oh, not possible.
" "No.
" I went to Japan two years ago.
It was cool.
I learned some stu I figured out why they're so smart.
I always wondered that.
I was like, "Why are they so good at technology?" It's simple.
It's 'cause they're good listeners.
That's all it is.
No matter what you say to them, they're always very focused.
That's why you always hear them going [affected accent.]
"[gasps.]
Ooh.
"Oh! Ooh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Ooh.
Oh.
" Like, they're discovering things all the time.
No, but seriously, I figured out why they make that sound.
'Cause they do make it a lot.
And it's 'cause of the sentence structure.
It's the grammar.
It's all scrambled up compared to English.
So the verb is always at the end of the sentence.
So you gotta listen to the whole thing just to know what a person's saying, right? So, like, it'd be like if I said to you in English, "Yesterday I, at the store, many hats stole.
" You'd be like, "Ooh.
" [laughter.]
My name's KT.
Thanks a lot.
KT Tatara, everybody.
Nice job, KT.
That was great.
Finally some cheekbone material that I can relate to.
- Um, Keenen.
- Well, here's what's funny, KT.
Before you came out, Roseanne and I were looking - at your picture - Oh, no.
And she goes, "I don't know if this is a girl or a guy.
" - Oh.
- So the fact The fact that you opened with that was just brilliant.
That was that was very funny.
You did something, and the jokes worked even though you did it.
You did the math first, and then you did the Japanese person doing the math.
You should just let them do the math.
Oh, okay.
You understand what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah.
Oh! (Audience) Oh! [laughter.]
[affected accent.]
Ooh.
[applause.]
Yay for the audience.
Yeah, that was good.
Roseanne, do me a favor.
Explain why KT had such a great set tonight.
Your material is just it's so intelligent, so good.
- It was wonderful.
- Thank you very much.
Thank you.
The set was amazing.
There was a deep flaw in the final joke.
The "ohh, ooh.
" Um the way you set it up was that that's how they react to people who speak English, but people who speak English don't end their, uh, sentences with verbs.
So therefore, the Asian would not react in that way to a Westerner.
So you can change it by just having them - react to each other.
- I see what you're saying.
Okay, right, just to make it a little more accurate, - so it's tighter.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
Not so it's tighter, just so it's correct.
Oh.
[Laughs.]
Ohh.
KT Tatara.
Good job, man.
[lively music.]
All right, here's an interesting short piece about our next comic.
Take a look.
[bouncy music.]
(woman) You ready to go fishing? My name's Andy Erikson, and I'm from Ham Lake, Minnesota.
You're probably wondering if magical creatures live in Ham Lake.
Well [whistles.]
[chitters.]
[screeches.]
[chirps.]
Here they come.
[duck quacks.]
Growing up, I was weird, quirky.
I wasn't necessarily good at, you know, having friends.
I made friends with the school therapist.
I had to wear a back brace.
I'd be like, "Mom, the kids, they're making fun of me.
" She's like, "Oh, they just wish they had a cool place to put magnets.
" I got one.
I got one.
I got one.
(Andy) It took me a while to figure out if stand-up was something I wanted to do.
The first comedian I really looked up to was Ellen DeGeneres.
I thought she was adorable and fun and didn't offend anyone.
Hey, we're both from Ham Lake! The first time I went to a comedy club, I looked around, and there were all these weird, cool, funny people.
And I was like, "Holy buckets, these are all comedians.
This is great.
" Andy, remember when Grandma and I would drive you to all of your comedy shows? Oh, yeah.
I am so proud of Andrea.
She's always had such a positive attitude and a zest for life.
Oh, my God! (Alex) I fell in love with Andy from the very first joke.
I knew that she was genuine and that she was hilarious and very pretty.
Hopefully America will just fall in love with Andy.
(Andy) I hope to win Last Comic Standing 'cause I want Ham Lake to be known for not only its great well water but comedian Andy Erikson.
(Anthony) Andy Erikson.
[applause.]
I was talking to one of my friends today, and she was like, "I spent $70 to fill my tank.
" And I was like, "Whoa! "Whoa! Whoa! You drive a tank?" When I was younger, I grew up in a theme park.
Yup.
The theme of the park was trailer.
So So It's cool growing up in a trailer park 'cause you get to pretend like you're a movie star.
You know? You can be like, "If you need me, I'll be in my trailer.
" Just smoking meth and eating my cat.
[chomping.]
I went to the bathroom today.
Yeah, every day! But I went in there, and I was so excited.
I looked in the toilet, and there was a wooden shoe in the toilet.
I was like, "Oh, no! My toilet's clogged.
" So So Do you guys think people who live in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexicans"? So I love texting.
Texting is so great, but a typo can just ruin everything.
Like, I was texting my boyfriend, and I wanted to say something cute.
I wanted to be like, "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.
" But what I accidently sent was "Kids, kids, kids, kids.
" [laughter.]
Thanks.
That's my time.
(Anthony) Andy Erikson, everybody.
Keep it going for Andy Erikson.
Roseanne, did Andy make Ham Lake proud, or is she a waste of a perfectly good boy's name? [laughter.]
Um, well, I really liked you.
Is that really how you are, though? When I'm excited or when there's a squirrel.
[laughter.]
I think you're a great wordsmith - Oh, thank you.
- And your writing's fantastic.
Um, couple times I wanted to get up there and, you know, just smack ya 'cause, you know, your voice is irritating.
[laughter.]
Thank you.
[cheers and applause.]
- You're good.
- Okay.
Thank you.
Keenen, what do you think? The quality of the jokes - were inconsistent - Yeah.
But what you have going for you is your ability to just keep raising the stakes.
Yeah.
Right.
Each joke better than the next one.
The audience will get sick with laughter because of the persona that's delivering the jokes.
Okay, cool.
I think that, uh, when you do a character that strong 'cause it's a character, - it's not you - You don't know.
[laughter.]
They don't know, but we know.
But if you do a character that strong, the jokes have to be extremely strong, and the more wild the character, like, you know, Emo Philips was about the wildest character there was, but the jokes were gold.
And but I think your jokes are very, very good.
- Okay.
- I thought it was sterling.
- Okay, yeah! - Yeah.
Andy Erikson, everybody.
One more time for Andy Erikson.
- Great job, Andy.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Get out of here.
- Ha-ha.
- You're not leaving.
Take it! Take it home with you.
Andy! Leave the dress.
[lively music.]
- They're so different.
- Yeah.
- You know? - It's exciting.
(announcer) Up next, this comic tries to bring peace to the Middle East.
I'm Palestinian.
My roommate is Jewish.
So we're always fighting over where his room starts and mine ends, and it's like, ugh! (announcer) But will it end in war? Every joke after that seemed bad.
What are you talking about? That was some great political material.
We're back Last Comic Standing.
- Whoo-hoo! - Moving right along.
Please welcome Sammy Obeid.
[applause.]
I'm Sammy.
I majored in math.
That's why I do comedy now.
I know a lot of people hate math, but half of us are good at it, you know? Half of the world is technically above the 50th percentile.
Right? And if you don't know what that means, you're below it.
Sorry, that's a mean joke.
It's about averages, so that's the thing.
I write these math jokes, right? They don't get a lot of respect.
I was trying to impress a girl.
I was like, "What did the triangle say to the square when they were buying a house together?" "Cosine.
" [grunts.]
Guys, come on.
These are math jokes.
I'm using my degrees.
But a little bit about me.
I'm a mix.
I'm mixed.
My dad is a man, and my mom is a woman.
So I'm half man, half woman.
I'm also part Palestinian.
My roommate is Jewish.
So we're always fighting over where his room starts and mine ends.
And it's like, ugh! [laughs.]
He pays more rent, but I've been there longer.
You know what I mean? People always think that I look Indian for some reason.
That's their first guess.
Like, that's the only country some people know.
Like, "You're Indian.
You must be from India.
" Like, you can't just pick any brown person and call us Indian.
You're not Columbus.
You know what I mean? [laughter.]
Right? And I love Indian culture.
My best friend is Indian.
So it's an arranged friendship, and we We went to the park, and his cousins came rolling ten deep.
That was one of their names, Tendeep.
Uh, but they had they had their Prius not the car, two girls named Priya, the Priyas.
The Priyas they started fighting.
I broke up the fight because they're Hindu.
I'm like, "You can't have beef.
" [laughter.]
Thank you so much.
I'm Sammy Obeid.
- Thank you.
- Sammy Obeid, everybody.
[cheers and applause.]
Keenen, what do you have for Sammy? Is it presents? Uh, well, I have some math for Sammy.
He's gonna love it then.
You should take the middle of your act, subtract the beginning and the end, because that's where you shine.
- Mm-hmm.
- Stop doing the silly stuff.
You got some really solid, funny material.
Hone that.
Stay with that.
- You're great.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Speaking of tricks, Roseanne, what do you think? [laughs.]
Well, you know what, I am, like, actually tearing up a little bit because when people from other cultures bring all that stuff we don't know right up the wide middle, it's such a an honor to comedy.
And, uh, man, you did it honor.
Thank you.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Norm, what'd you think? Well, uh, I agree with Keenen completely.
He's obviously disabused You have this notion that things have to be chronological, so you don't have to start with the With knowing about math or whatever that was.
[laughter.]
The strongest joke in your act Should've been your opening joke, was the half man, half woman.
- That's a great joke.
- Now, that's a great joke.
Unfortunately, every joke after that, that joke makes seem bad.
- No.
Oh, no way.
- Because, I would say, take the half man, half woman joke and, uh, go back to the old drawing board.
What are you talking about? That was some great political material.
[cheers and applause.]
- Thank you.
Thanks.
It might have been.
Sammy Obeid, everybody.
Keep it going for Sammy Obeid.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
(Keenen) He makes himself look dumb - and then incredibly brilliant.
- Yeah.
And then dumb.
It's like, no, just be brilliant.
You're right about that.
Bye.
[Overlapping chatter.]
At this moment it's like, "Oh, please let me hurry up and get the mic in my hand.
" [applause.]
Yesterday I went and bought a $700 weave, so I gotta stay in this contest long enough to get my $700 back.
Nobody cared about our feelings growing up.
We didn't even have simple protections like seatbelts.
There was three of us standing up in the back of my uncle Billy's pickup truck.
We were rolling around like bowling pins.
You had to earn everything you got growing up.
If your grades weren't good, you didn't get all these toys and gadgets and stuff.
These kids are so spoiled, they will unplug their granddaddy's oxygen tank to charge their cell phone.
[laughter.]
I don't like the way people design things for people who are disabled because they never really understand what we want.
For instance, my walker, okay? It has brakes, okay? There's never gonna be a day in my life that I move so fast [laughter.]
My girlfriend's actually from Scotland, so we joke around that if we have a son, we're gonna call him DeSean Connery.
[laughter.]
What's great is that my girlfriend is living with me now too, y'all, but it's funny because I'm not gonna lie, I used to complain about all the white people moving to my neighborhood.
You see what I did? I gentrified my own joint.
[laughter.]
I'm disappointed, but I try not to complain too much just 'cause it's annoying when people complain about stuff that doesn't really affect them, right? Like anytime that I hear a grown-ass adult who's like, "Man, Justin Bieber sucks.
" Yeah, I agree with you, but that's not weird 'cause I'm a 27-year-old man.
He's for, at best, children.
It's not for you.
That's like if I went into the Baby Gap and just went, "Hey! Your clothes are too small!" "I can't wear this to work! I'll look ridiculous!" That's why I hate it when people talk about, like, white privilege, male privilege, right? 'Cause I believe in both of those things, just bums me out to be reminded that I'm losing at life on its lowest difficulty setting.
That's all for me.
Thanks, everybody.
(Roseanne) First when you came out I thought you were doing Norm's act.
I mean, you sounded just like Norm when you first came out there.
I was really hoping no one would notice that.
- Yeah.
- What an insult.
Well, Norm noticed and told me to say it.
I really did think that, but I think you're really good.
Thank you.
David Tveite, everybody.
[applause.]
(announcer) Coming up, let the buyer beware.
I don't know if you actually been on craigslist and actually been over to somebody's house, but when you get there, both parties think they're gonna be murdered.
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Yay! Whoo-hoo! She's from Washington, D.
C.
, and she only has one name.
But it's a good one.
Let's hear it for Dominique.
[applause.]
The older you get, you know, you look at things differently.
Like social media.
We Instagram anything.
At the grocery store, Instagram the ketchup.
"That's gonna set that hamburger off.
" What are you talking about? Like ketchup just came out.
When I knew social media really got weird, when I got a friend request on Facebook from my biological father.
Now, I haven't talked to this man in, like, 35 years, but he sent me a friend request.
And I wasn't gonna be his friend, but my mother said, "Accept.
He owe me money.
" I said okay.
I said okay.
[cheers and applause.]
So I talked to him.
He said, "Well, what you been up to?" I said, "For the last 35 years?" I said, "I got to write a book to say all that.
" I said, "But how you doing?" He said, "Well, you know I been sick.
" I said, "Well, what's wrong with you?" "Well, I need a kidney transplant.
" [audience oohs.]
So I said, "Okay, well, what you gonna do?" He said, "That's why I'm calling all my kids.
" I said, "Well, sir, I don't have an extra kidney.
" He said, "Well, if I don't get a kidney, they say I'm gonna die.
" I said, "Well, people die.
" They die.
So I said, "Well, why is your kidney bad?" He said, "Well, you know I'm an alcoholic.
" I said, "Sir, I don't know anything about you.
" I said, "But why would I give you my healthy kidney "so you can drink my kidney under the table "and I gotta drink water and run marathons "for the rest of my life? That don't make any sense.
" He said, "Well, I don't know what to do.
" I said, "When you don't know what to do, "you have to pray and ask God to let His will be done.
"And if you make it, there it is.
"If you don't, there it is.
"But if I gotta give you a kidney, there it is.
" I'm Dominique.
[cheering.]
Dominique, everybody.
There it is.
Hello, Dominique.
Way to go, Dominique.
Now, Roseanne, you went by one name for a while when you were at your craziest.
[laughs.]
What advice do you have for Dominique? Ha! I loved watching you.
You know how to work the room.
You're a seasoned professional comedian.
And what I loved the most are when people are up there talking about the reality of the stuff they've faced and how they transcended it through humor.
And thank you.
It was great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
[applause.]
I think that was a remarkable story.
It's hard to make people smile, and you made me smile.
- And I think you're very good.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
I enjoyed you very much.
Your jokes were hilarious, and I thought you did a great job.
Dominique, everybody.
Keep it going for Dominique.
(Dominique) I think it went great.
We'll see at the end.
But I think I'll make it to the next round.
Let's get ready for our next comedian.
He's from Chicago, the home of a lot of other comedians on this show.
It's Junior Stopka.
[cheering.]
I'm the baby in my family.
Uh, they call me the baby not because I'm the youngest, it's because I still take baths in sinks.
And I love people blowing on my belly button.
I got a free coffee table on craigslist.
That's that's right, I won.
Uh I don't know if you actually been on craigslist and actually been over to somebody's house, but when you get there, both parties think they're gonna be murdered, right? So what you gotta do is you gotta try to out-murder the murderer.
Right? You gotta be smart.
You gotta be coy.
I sent in my email, I'm like, "I like coffee tables.
" Smiley face.
That'll get 'em.
Right? Then I come to your house, and you open the door, and you see my face, and you're like, "Oh, no.
Here's my murderer.
" Right? But I'm nervous too.
I'm like, "Don't murder me either.
" You know? "I brought a knife just in case you got a knife.
" "You got a knife?" "Yeah, I got a knife.
" You know how these You know how these knife people act, right? I'm like, "Ah, you know what? "Let's just both raise our knives, "one hand on the coffee table, okay? Count of three.
One two" And then you slit their throat.
And if I come by your house and you know how to play the guitar, I don't wanna hear it.
I'm just over here to drink your free booze and do your free drugs.
And then you gotta be like, "Oh, that's an excellent acoustic rendition of Mama Said Knock You Out.
" [laughter.]
[applause.]
Thank you guys very much.
Junior Stopka, everybody.
I love that craigslist murder stuff 'cause that's what I always warn my kids when they're always on I'm like, "People will murder you if you go over to their house.
" So I thought that was really, really funny.
- You did great.
- I agree with Roseanne.
I enjoyed the craigslist thing, and that was your best joke.
And that's where you're supposed to be.
You don't want to drop the audience and have to pick 'em back up, you know? You just wanna grab 'em and hold 'em.
Norm, how'd you feel about Junior Stopka? Let me say, first of all, that I like that you dress funny.
I feel that most comics just say funny things, but, you know, you can walk funny and talk funny and dress funny.
And the old comics did, and that's what you remind me of.
You remind me of almost like a humorist.
Like, in the old days, you know? Nobody's gonna remember, but Josh Billings or Mark Twain, but it's almost like you're walking around whittling, talking to yourself, letting the audience come to you.
I thought it was original, and I look forward to seeing him lots more.
All right.
High praise from Norm Macdonald.
Last chance to make some noise for Junior Stopka, everybody.
Thanks, guys.
Man, there's some good comics today, right? - Yes, tonight's ooh.
- Whoo.
(announcer) Coming up the end is near.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(announcer) And then find out who moves on to the semi-finals.
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
And we've made it to our final comic of the night, but I can't bring him out yet because I'm hungry.
Hungry for another mini-documentary.
Take a look.
[upbeat music.]
My name's Tony Baker.
I'm 37 years old.
I feel like I'm 23? I'm a divorced father of two teenage boys.
- How was school, guys? - Good.
My ex-wife and I are on very good terms.
We've always been a strong parental unit.
Like, whatever she says I back up.
"Mom said we gotta jump out the plane with no parachute.
" Well, you heard your mother.
Jump! We have the same routine every day.
I'll pick the boys up from school, do homework.
We go get snacks.
(woman on intercom) We are now sampling salsa and chips on aisle ten.
(Tony) I'm not an internationally known comic like that.
I'm on the blue collar tip.
So I gotta stretch that dollar.
Can I get one more? Some of the employees recognize us because we're in there like every day.
(woman) Good to see you again.
Thank you, Bernice.
Oh, my pleasure, you know that.
Mm-hmm.
Raising kids and performing stand-up can be a tight rope, but I feel like I'm funnier because I am a dad.
My dad is a prankster, jokester, funny, hilarious, and all around a good dad.
Take your glasses off when you go back so you can look a little different.
(Cincere) I'm very proud of my dad for being on Last Comic Standing and I hope he wins.
She never knew! Winning Last Comic Standing would definitely change my life.
We gonna spend crazy amounts of money on sectional couches, printers, big screen TVs, all of lavishness.
The samples.
(Anthony) Tony Baker.
[applause.]
Men, we never go to the doctor.
We only go when something's wrong.
That's when we go.
"Oh, oh, oh.
" We think everything's gas when something's wrong with us.
"Oh, it's just gas.
" My appendix burst last May.
I thought it was gas for two days.
My doctor bill was $46,000.
[audience gasps.]
- Yeah.
You ever get a bill so high you just laugh at it? It might as well have been $1.
5 million.
Either way it's not getting paid.
My appendix was gone, man.
I just threw that bill up in the air and paused like Mary Tyler Moore.
I was just like It's all I could do, man.
That's why I admire women.
Y'all always go to the doctor.
Men, we never go.
That's why dudes die immediately.
Like, dudes just be dying out the blue.
"I never knew he was sick!" We go to the doctor, he be like, "You got two days to live, Tony.
What happened to you?" "I-I never knew!" "Yeah.
" Women know.
Y'all know off top.
"Yeah, they said I was gonna die 16 years ago to the day.
" And I got two teenage boys, man.
They killing me slowly, too, man.
Two teenage boys will kill you slow and fast at the same time, man.
My oldest son is the athlete, the strong guy.
Like, if the car flipped over, he can pull me out.
My youngest son shuts down when it goes down.
When something happens, he shuts down.
Like he'll spill a drink and just shut down.
And he'll be like, "Oh, ohh, ohh.
"Ohh.
"Ohh, dang.
Ohh" If the house is burning, he gonna burn with the house.
He gonna be like, "Ohh.
"I'm on fire, Dad.
Ohh.
" My name's Tony Baker, y'all.
Thank you.
[applause.]
Tony Baker, everybody.
Tony Baker.
- Roseanne.
- I wanna hear more of that come right up the middle, every man, all-American thing.
And you've got it.
All right.
Thank you.
Keenen, have at it.
Comedians are broken down in to, sort of, animation and attitude, and then joke writers.
The best have all three.
I think your strongest was the attitude and the animation and within that had some great jokes, but I think that that's where your next level is, is just the construct of the setup and the punch line, but everything else was great.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, Norm, the crowd loved him, so I can only assume that means My main interests are doing this and death.
[laughs.]
So, you're right in my wheelhouse.
You tackled the deepest subject beautifully.
Okay.
All right, thank you.
How are you not whittling a pipe right now? [laughter.]
You whittle a stick.
You smoke a corncob pipe.
I think is what you're thinking about.
But what Tony and I are talking about is not whittling pipes.
We're talking about the great catastrophe to come.
I think the catastrophe is here.
[laughter.]
(Anthony) It's right here.
Your final comedian of the night, Tony Baker, everybody.
Now the comics are at the mercy of our legendary judges.
- She no.
- No.
- Uh - He was great.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- He's real.
- The question is do we wanna give either one of these another shot? I think we've forgotten about him, but he did have a lot of jokes.
[overlapping chatter.]
(Junior) Norm said that I was original and unique.
Best compliments I ever got in my career.
(Sammy) I thought maybe Keenen and Norm would like me more, but Roseanne was a big supporter.
I think I might have her vote, yeah.
(Anthony) Welcome back, this is our second invitational show.
Now we're moments away from revealing the judges selections for the semi-finals.
[applause.]
The first comic moving on tonight is [dramatic music.]
Andy Erikson.
[Cheering.]
Holy buckets.
I'm so excited, and I can't wait to do it again.
(Anthony) Greg Warren [cheering.]
Dominique, Tony Baker, Francisco Ramos, Cyrus McQueen, KT Tatara, Alycia Cooper, and tonight's last comic moving on to the semi-finals is Sammy Obeid.
[Cheering.]
Wow, I made it through.
I'm gonna keep delivering in this competition.
Whoo! That's a guarantee.
(Anthony) And there you have it.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
See you next week.
(announcer) Nine comedians from tonight's show have moved on.
They'll join the previous 14 semi-finalists in the next round.