Live at The Apollo (2004) s09e02 Episode Script

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host for tonight, Jack Dee! Thank you.
Thank you so much and welcome.
It's really great to be back at Live At The Apollo.
Yeah.
I don't know what happened.
All those years have gone by.
2004, we started this whole thing, and, in all that time, we've done nine This is the ninth series.
Can you believe? And it's gone global, and it's introduced many huge stars who've become household names since then And Personally I can't tell you how much I regret that.
Yeah, seeing people just overtake you and Next time I have an idea, I'm just going to take a gun and shoot myself through the foot.
It'll be less painful, frankly.
So, I hosted the first two series, you may remember Thank you, thank you.
I moved on I moved on to work on other projects.
I say moved on to work on other projects, cos "sacked" is such an ugly word.
But this is great.
I've been on the road for nearly all year, actually, this year, and people always want to know, "What's it like when you're touring?" And, you know, the reality is you spend a lot of time in the car, listening to your old CDs, and a lot of time in hotel rooms watching movies late into the night, drinking beer from the mini bar Live off fast food I get to see my kids every Every couple of weeks, I speak to my wife most days on my phone It's perfect.
Oh, yeah, I've cracked it.
I have cracked it.
Let me tell you, relationships - so much easier from a distance.
Yeah, hmm.
"Miss you too.
" Send! Why didn't I think of this years ago? "Ohhh, the boiler's packed up, there's no hot water!" "Hot water in hotel fine.
" So, can I just say hello to Nicholas Parsons, who's in the audience? We're very honoured to have you here, sir.
Thank you very much, sir.
Very lovely to have you here.
Nicholas, I hope won't mind me saying, is in his 90th year.
He won't mind me saying that cos he won't hear it! We're honoured to have someone from showbiz of his age who isn't on bail.
It's fantastic, really.
It is, well done, yeah.
And the wonderful Fiona Bruce.
Hello, Fiona.
Lovely to see you.
Very nice.
Fiona from Antiques Roadshow.
She's going to AUDIENCE MEMBER: Fiona! Yeah, you like Fiona? We all love Fiona.
Yeah, all right, that's enough.
It's my gig.
Shut your face! Fiona is here to give us a valuation on Nicholas Parsons.
We're going to flog him off later.
Anyway, yeah, so, just so you know, I took some paracetamol earlier, before I came on There's nothing wrong with me At least not yet.
I took 37 of them, so we'll see what happens.
I buy my parecetamols in King Street, just up How many of you are from round here? You know the area? On King Street, there's a chemist.
I went in there, and got the paracetamol, there's a big line of people queuing up, and there's this one guy rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf, so I said, "Do you mind if I just give you the money for these and go?" And do you know what he said to me? He just turned round like this and said, "Do I look like I work here?" I said, "Well, yes", "you're rearranging all the toothbrushes on the shelf.
" He said, "I have OCD.
Do you have a problem with that?" "I'm here for my prescription.
" I mean, really angry It was embarrassing, people around, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to say.
I said, "Shouldn't you be getting home?" He said, "No, why?" "Well, didn't you leave the gas on?" Actually, you know what I wanted to talk to you all about tonight? Um, it's I I had a very difficult week last week, and, um, I wanted to just talk it through with you about some of the stuff that happened to me, if that's OK? I Very traumatic week when events conspire to, you know, depress you.
You're not that happy-go-lucky guy you normally are, right.
On Monday On Monday, I went out to my garage I have a garage next to my house.
Can I, first of all, just say that to you.
I think I can say that here in Hammersmith without being accused of bragging, hopefully.
It's a regular garage, don't get me wrong.
I'm not one of these showbiz types who have a special kind of big selection of cars and an exact replica of an Esso garage with a working pump and flowers for sale and Starburst on special offer, you know Big fantasy thing Demoralised Asian behind the till It's a regular garage, right? Now, you're probably thinking, "Jack, why did you go out to your garage?" I'm going to tell you, I was having a clear out.
I'm not a hoarder Something else I don't mind you knowing about me.
I like to get rid of stuff when it accumulates.
I don't like to keep old stacks of newspapers.
Fwooom! It's gone.
It's out of your life.
It's a great feeling.
Big box of cassettes.
Fwooom! Gone! Whatever it is! Next door's wind chime.
Fwooom! Gone! Oh, yeah, that was a midnight hop over the fence well worth it.
I can tell you that.
I don't understand what it is, there comes a point in your life, you go to a garden centre and you become attracted to these things.
"Oh, look at this, you see this wind chime?" "This is a very nice thing, isn't it?" "I'm going to get one.
It jingles and jangles in your tree.
" "It's made of bamboo and metal That's really relaxing.
" "I'd really like that.
I think my neighbour would, as well.
" You know, you might as well hang a slamming door in your tree or just get a toddler to play the violin all night.
So I go to the tip and it's gone! It's out of your life, great feeling.
I go to the tip all the time, the council tip.
I'm a regular down there at the council tip and, sorry to report, while we're on the subject bit of an attitude problem among the people who work at the tip.
Because, the way I look at it, they're in the business of rubbish and I am bringing them rubbish.
But I'm not hearing the thank yous.
Would it really hurt? And, plus, they're sly, because they're watching to see what you're getting out of the car all the time.
You get something valuable out, like an old bike or something, lean it against the skip Instead of coming over and saying, "Can we have the bike?", they're sly about it.
"There's a bike, skip four.
" "Bike, skip four.
" "Get it when they've gone.
Don't make eye contact.
" "Bike, skip four.
" I like to get all of the rubbish out of the back of my car and then put the bike back in.
"Oh, I'm taking it to another tip.
" "Better tip than this tip.
" So, anyway, I'm having a clear out and this is the perfect time to have a clear out, because I think you've left it a polite amount of time since last Christmas to get rid of the Christmas presents.
Time to have a clear out before you get given a whole load of other stuff you don't want, right? That's what I was up to, cos I was given Jane, my wife, gave me a foot spa, that's what I got.
I unwrapped it, Christmas morning, and there it was, a foot spa.
She said, "I just thought you might like it.
" Did you? This basically is a bucket that you fill with water stand in and plug into the mains.
If you seriously think I'm falling for that one again Nah, nah.
I didn't like it when you threw the toaster in the bath with me and I am not going to like this.
So it's gone, it's out of my life, what a great feeling it is.
I love it.
Same with the Kindle.
Fwooom! It's gone! Well, I've read it, so, you know And, besides, I'm old-fashioned.
I'm a book person, me.
I love a book.
For me, nothing more special than a book.
You get to the end of a good book, tear out the last five pages, take it to a charity shop.
"Aww, thank you so much.
" You're very welcome.
I hope somebody enjoys it as much as I did.
Well, listen, you're a wonderful audience and I've got some great comedians here tonight to bring on, and one of them is a young guy that I've been watching in the clubs, and he makes me sick.
He does.
He's so He's good, you know, he is good.
You're going to love him.
Give him a huge Apollo welcome, to the very wonderful Seann Walsh! Let's hear it for him, please! Seann Walsh! Cheers! Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello! It's good to be here.
I'm unhealthy.
I binge drink Do you do that? I'm a binge drinker.
I'm one of those No, it's not good.
It's not good, is it? Sometimes, I'll drink till I vomit.
That's terrible, it is! I don't feel sick I don't think I'm going to be sick, I feel fine, I'll just be having a chat at the bar "What we'll do is, on Tuesday, right, if we meet up at" You know, when your whole head fills up with one portion of vomit.
I call it the puffer fish.
You have to get to the toilet before the second portion comes up.
Otherwise, you're trying to hold it in with your hands.
It's spraying through the gaps in your fingers! Sorry! Excuse me, sorry! Oh, God! It's not good for you, binge drinking, is it? I really suffer from the hangover.
I get every hangover, every single one, all the way from the bottom, the niggling headache, all the way up to vomiting, migraine, all the way up to the worst one You know the worst one? My God The one where you wake up in the morning and you don't have one.
Not only do you not have one, you feel brilliant! Because you are shit-faced! You know that one? Bursting into the kitchen, into the living room, your friend's on the sofa "I think I got away with it! Woo! "I feel good! "I thought I'd at least have a headache, be a bit tired, "but I feel good! Woo-hoo! "Yes!" "What shall we do? Let's do something!" "Let's go out! Let's go for a roast!" "How good was last night?" "Let's go out for a roast, come on, let's do it again!" I can't breathe! Shut the curtains Please, shut the curtains Cos I find it very difficult to have the one, the one drink, that's my problem.
Sometimes I convince myself.
I go, "This will be it.
" "I'll have this, then I'll go home.
" "It'll be fine.
I'll go home.
" "We'll have this, then we go home, yeah, yeah, deal?" "Finish this, off home? Yeah, yeah? Sure, sure, yeah?" There's always one mate that'll lean in with a big grin on his face, wide eyed "Jagerbomb?" "Eh, eh, Jagerbombs?" I can't go for a quiet drink any more without it leading to king Jagerbombs! Crazy drink! Insane drink! Shots of Jagermeister, that we drop into a bigger glass of Red Bull! So bad for you.
You drink one of these, you lie in bed until five in the morning going, "I don't know why I can't get to sleep.
" So bad.
You can tell the people that have been drinking them at the end of the night, cos they go a different drunk, crazy! You can spot them a mile off at the kebab shop.
They just burst in Booomf! "All right, mate, can I get a large donner, no salad, "here's a tenner, keep the change.
" Walk out without the kebab.
Such a bad drink! Sometimes it's my fault, I'm the culprit.
I'll go to the bar, just think I'm ordering a nice, normal round, an innocent round "Can I get a couple of pints and" "an ale, please, and a stout? Cheers, that'll be lovely, thanks.
" Then the barman will ask that magic question "Anything else, mate?" SLOW MOTION: "Wait there a second.
" "Five Jagerbombs!" My friends have no idea what is about to happen.
They're sat there, I'm bombing it through the pub with the tray.
SLOW MOTION: "Jagerbombs!" There's always the reluctant one you know the pussy.
SLOW MOTION: "No, no, no", "I've got a job interview in the morning!" And as a friend, you know, we support him SLOW MOTION: "Shut the hell up and down it!" There's always one already gone.
Straightaway, one has disappeared.
SLOW MOTION: "Where's yours?" "I didn't know we were doing them together!" "Quickly, go and get another one!" "Let's do this!" "Yes, get in" "That was close.
For a second there, I" Ladies and gentlemen, Live At The Apollo, thank you very much, good night, cheers, bye! Seann Walsh, Seann Walsh.
If he was my son-in-law, I'd kill him.
I would.
I'd find a way.
I'd mow him down in the car or whatever, just get rid of him.
Yeah, anyway, I was talking earlier about this traumatic week I had last week.
On Monday, I went to the garage, you know, in my garage Anyway, Tuesday, I have this incident which is a bit unfortunate First of all, let me just run this past you My neighbour comes round My view is, if post comes through your letter box, that means it's yours.
Exactly, so we're all agreed on that.
Regardless of name and address and all that detail, right? So he knocks on the door at about ten o'clock and says, "Has the post been delivered?" And I said, "Yeah, yeah, about nine o'clock.
" And he says, "Well, was there a package, did a package come?" I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did.
" He said, "Well, did it have my name and address on it?" I said, "Yeah, yeah, it did.
" In fairness, it did, and he said, "Well, please, may I have it?" "Well, not really, because it came through my letter box," "that makes it mine now, best forget about it.
" Well, he went completely nuts! It was embarrassing, it was undignified, he was yelling and screaming at me on the front door, he was shouting stuff at me "You don't even need insulin!" You know, it was really just a horrible scene.
I didn't like to see him in that state.
He was all shaking, I had to walk him back to his house, he was talking gibberish, he was He was going, "Have you seen my wind chime?" "No, I haven't.
" Well, backstage we have a wonderful comedian that is one of my big favourites on the circuit.
Whenever I see him, I love him.
I know you're going to love him, as well.
Please give a huge Apollo welcome to the wonderful Milton Jones! Let's hear it for Milton! So, good evening.
Incredible to think, isn't it? That the Chinese language started off as English in England, then one person whispered it to another person Bit of a weird day today.
I found a hole in the back of my wardrobe.
I went though to a strange and mysterious land, where my neighbour was sitting in the bath.
What else can I tell you about myself? I like my tea like my women big, black and with a penguin.
Obviously, I'm Caucasian Yes, my mum's from a city in Ireland and my dad's Japanese.
Couldn't sleep last night, I was too hot.
Then the smoke alarm went off! Put it on snooze.
Then the phone went off, picked it up, a voice said, "Can you speak?" I said, "How did you think this conversation was going to work?" Then I recognised the voice of my mother, the very woman who taught me to speak in the first place.
She said, "Listen, it's your dad.
" I said, "That is the worst impression" Do you ever have a conversation with someone, and towards the end, they say, "Well, I'll let you go.
" You think, "Yeah, thanks.
" "Oh, I see what you're saying.
You're trying to make me" "think that you think that I've got better things to do," "but, in reality, you're saying you've got better things to do!" Well, next time somebody says, "I'll let you go", say "No.
" Shut the door.
If they make a sudden dive for the window, grab them by their ankles.
And as they're dangling four storeys over the car park, screaming, "It's all been a terrible mistake," say, "OK, I'll let you go.
" So, it turns out not all horses are Trojan horses I know that now.
That was a messy afternoon.
Health and safety - that's a minefield, isn't it? Don't tell them.
Well, it's not easy, travelling around all the time on the road Oh, no The AA, RAC, Green Flag don't get me started.
You know, it was so cold last week in the city of Chester when I ordered a taxi, I ended up in Chichester.
Recently, I said to my long-standing girlfriend, "Sit down, will you?" "Will you marry me?", I spelt out in balloons outside of the house of the girl I had only met on the internet then I saw her face and I popped the question.
Do you ever do that thing when you're on the phone? "You put it down!" "No, you put it down!" "No, you put it down!" "Ho-ho! You put it down!" "Listen, it's an old dog and you're a qualified vet.
" Anyway, it turns out not all pigs are piggybanks.
I know that now.
That was a messy afternoon.
Recently, I've been diagnosed with attention deficit Look at those lights! Pritt is not the best lip salve I've ever used but I couldn't complain.
Calvin Klein's mum has labelled everyone else's pants.
Not that I'm a good parent Apparently, I didn't even turn up to one of my own children's christenings, according to one of them, who shall remain nameless.
Anyway, it turns out not all ducks are toilet ducks.
I know that now.
That was a messy afternoon.
To be honest Cos people say that, as well, don't they? What do you mean, "to be honest"? You mean everything you've been saying so far hasn't been honest? Well, how can we trust what you're going to say now? Anyway, you've been a great audience, but, to be honest I'll let you go.
Sometimes, people say to me, "This is all very well you saying" "these things, you dressing like that, but who are you?" "Where do you come from?" I say, "Well, if I told you" "it wouldn't actually be that interesting.
" And they say, "No, we're the police.
" So I show them my ID and I say, "As you can see", "I am Dr Irving Likensay.
" They say "No, this just says 'Driving Licence'.
" That's all from me.
Thanks very much, good night! Milton Jones! Oh! Er, listen, you have been a really, really wonderful audience.
Can I just ask you, though, just to say one thing Thank you very, very much to our comedians tonight.
We saw Seann Walsh! And Milton Jones! I very much hope I'll see you all again.
Thank you very much and good night! Thank you so much! Good night!