M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e02 Episode Script

Oh.
[Grunts.]
[Thunder.]
I don't wanna say it's wet out but on the way over, I saw a duck carrying an umbrella.
- Must've been cold duck.
- Aw, four days of drizzles ain't diddly.
One time in W.
W.
First, it poured cats and dachshunds for 37 straight days.
The whole platoon went skinny-dippin' in the trenches.
[Charles.]
Colonel, I find no humor either in abominable weather or abominable anecdotes.
[Margaret.]
Everything stinks.
That dismal gray sky is a perfect match for my mood and my breakfast.
Especially the breakfast.
Serving cold cuts in this weather is a devilish deed indeed.
##[Klinger Singing.]
#Zip-a-dee-ay My, oh, my, what a wonderful day # Ain't this weather aces? It reminds me of a summer Sunday in Toledo.
Stick it in your galoshes, tent nose.
No need for rancid remarks.
This is your wet-letter day.
Captain Big Boots.
Aha! Mill Valley.
That makes my day.
Got anything for me, Klinger? Mildred promised to send me some Cloverine brand salve for my barking bunions.
Negative, Hoppy sir.
Wonderful.
I have a dental checkup yesterday.
And the winner of this week's Truss Award is none other than our own Eye of the Hawk.
- [Margaret.]
What? - Looks like a "Dear John" letter from the Rockettes.
No, it's from Amy Clark, a friend of mine who's a teacher back in Crabapple Cove.
Finishing elementary school in your spare time, Pierce? "You said in your last letter how boring it can get for everyone there so I thought it might be nice for my fourth-graders to write to all of you.
" - Ha-ha.
- Well, this is great.
We can answer the letters.
This might be just the ticket out of our black-and-blue funk.
Okay.
Some for everybody.
Here you go.
Here you are.
- Colonel.
- Mucho beaucoup.
Oh, here's one in crayon.
Must be for Charles.
[Chuckles.]
Aren't you the wag though? I have no need to write letters to communicate with children.
I have you for that, Pierce.
That is an insult, and you'll answer for it at recess.
Oh, this is cute.
This little boy thinks that MASH people just sit around all day making potatoes.
And this half-pint asks if all army people have tattoos.
You wanna handle that one, Margaret? You wanna handle that one, Margaret? Oh, dear.
Here's a girl who wonders whether I've saved many lives.
A doctor should answer that one.
No, no, no, no.
My ground rules are no stealing, selling or swapping of letters.
Everybody answers the letters you got.
I specialize in saving souls, not lives.
Come on, Padre.
Don't tell me you forgot about Irving? Irving? Oh.
Oh, yes.
- Practically saved his life.
- Irving, yes.
If he'd gone on the way he was goin', he'd be dead by now.
[Thinking.]
Dear Stacy, Although I am not a doctor it can be truthfully said I did indeed save a life.
[Rosie.]
I've had it with you, Irving.
This is a respectable place.
And stay out! - Hello, Rosie.
- Oh.
Hello, Father.
Why are you giving this cute pup the bum's rush? Because Irving is a lush.
Yeah, he does seem a bit woozy, doesn't he? Uh Ooh.
His breath is pure hellfire.
You know, we had a dog like this back in the seminary.
Rosie, get me a bottle of whiskey and a bowl.
I'm gonna cure Irving the same way we cured that dog at the seminary: By letting him drink bowl after bowl till he's sick.
[Speaking Korean.]
Father, I think your brain's stuck in first gear.
Okay.
- There you go.
- Uh-huh.
[Barking.]
That dog has no pride.
- There you are, Irving.
Ha.
- [Barking.]
Bottoms up.
My, he is a little rummy, isn't he? Yeah.
Reminds me of my first husband.
[Mulcahy.]
Yesterday, Irving drank till he got sick as a dog.
And if all's gone well, he should have an intense aversion to alcohol as well as one doozy of a hangover.
[Chuckles.]
All right, Roy.
Let's try him out.
Actually, he's having a little hair of the man that bit him.
[Laughing.]
- [Yelps.]
- [Cheering.]
[Thinking.]
So Irving was smart enough to go on the wagon for good, Stacy.
If people only had the horse sense dogs do.
Yours in Christ, Francis J.
Mulcahy.
[Thunder.]
- Hey, this kid's gonna be a big-league pitcher.
- Oh, yeah? Just the other day, he hurled a 48-hitter.
[Chuckles.]
That's That's nothin'.
My kid definitely has the makings of a U.
S.
Senator.
This letter goes on for five pages and says absolutely nothing.
Gentlemen, children and their pen pals should be seen, not heard.
The only thing Charles remembers fondly from his childhood is his hair.
Come on, Chaz baby.
These are cute.
Listen.
"Dear Doctors, You live a great life.
I am jealous of you.
" - Jea He what He Jealous? - Ha-ha.
"You guys get to camp out every night, eat real army food.
- Ha! - Boy, you're lucky.
" L Just give me that.
Get to camp out, eh? Ha, ha, ha, ha.
"My dear diminutive correspondent "Your misinformation is exceeded only by your atrocious grammar.
" Leave it to Charles to be the world's first poison pen pal.
What's the matter, Hawk? Can't read the writing? No, it's all too clear.
Listen Listen to this.
"Doctor, My brother was a soldier in Korea.
"He got hurt, but some doctors fixed him up so he could go back and fight some more.
"Then he got killed.
"Now I'll never see Keith again.
"You doctors just make people better so they can end up dead.
I hate you all.
Signed, Ronnie Hawkins.
" What do I say to this kid? I don't know.
I mean, he's He's kind of struck a nerve.
We've all sent boys back to the line and then had them end up dead.
What do I say to him? [Thunderclap.]
Oh.
I'm so homesick.
"Dear Freddy, About your question about army pay "Well, your dad probably gives you a bigger allowance.
"And that's why I'm always on the lookout for ways to supplement my income.
For example" What are these hairy rats doin' here? These are not rats, sir.
They're chinchillas.
My key to a life of decadent riches.
Welcome to Klinger's Chinchilla Villa Breeding Farms.
Breeding farms? [Clicks Tongue.]
Look, son, you haven't had any sudden falls lately, have you? Perhaps a stray anvil grazed the old noodle? As these chinches multiply, so does my bankroll.
And they're very affectionate, sir, if you get my drift.
You get this drift.
If my brogans meet up with just one chinchilla chip it's the hanging tree for the whole clan.
Well, what have we here, the world's smallest zoo? He calls them "chinchillers.
" I call them a gold mine.
Now, if you'll just let me cover the cage Romeo and Juliet are giving each other that look that only lovers share.
Uh, Romeo and Mercutio is more like it.
- "Mercoosho"? Who's she? - He, my dear 15-watt friend.
Having done extensive work with laboratory rodents I can state categorically these are two male "chinchillers.
" Looks like you're the critter who got skinned.
[Potter Chuckles.]
"Believe me.
"That's the last time I trust a traveling chinchilla salesman.
"From now on, I stick to investments I know.
That's why I'm putting all my money into a training school for pin boys.
" [Sighs.]
[Boy's Voice.]
Dear MASHer, I just had my tonsils out which wasn't so bad because I got to eat a lot of ice cream.
Anyway, I became good friends with the doctors and nurses.
Do you ever make friends with the patients there? And there's this, uh this great piece of land I've had my eye on since I was a kid.
And I sent my dad some money.
He put a down payment on it for me.
I'm sure you'll make a wonderful farmer, Mike.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I'll get some chickens and a goat - Mmm.
- And maybe a cow or two.
- [Chuckles.]
Why not? - I can hardly wait.
- [Laughs.]
[Woman.]
Dr.
Pierce would like to talk to you, Major.
- I'll be right back.
- I'll be countin' the minutes.
Okay.
- [Whispering.]
- What are the results? His liver's gone.
There's nothing more we can do.
- He's not gonna make it.
- Oh, no.
At least he's not in any pain.
- I never thought we'd be grateful for a severed spinal cord.
- Yeah.
I told him there was no movement because of the medication.
- [B.
J.
.]
Good.
- How much time does he have? Could be an hour, could be three.
I'm sorry, Margaret.
Listen, you must be exhausted.
Why don't you get some sleep? No.
I'll stay with him.
Okay.
That wasn't so long now, was it? Can't live without me, huh? I'm just a sucker for a handsome face.
Say, listen Let me tell you about my girl.
Yes.
We're gettin' married as soon as I get home.
We grew up together.
She's the prettiest girl I've ever seen, next to you, of course.
[Thinking.]
Dear Jimmy Uh, yes, I do get very close to the people we treat.
In fact, there are some patients I don't think I'll ever forget.
And in conclusion, Peter I think it's perfectly normal for you to want to dress like a grown-up.
In fact, may I suggest that you take your father's best suit down to the tailor shop and have it altered to fit your little body to a "T.
" [Chortles.]
My, my.
Isn't it fun to pass on one's wisdom to the younger generation? How come you're not using your pen, Charles? Run out of venom? Because, my dear Hunnicutt, I prefer to record my brilliant insights and then delegate the typing to someone on the same intellectual level as these fourth-graders.
One Maxwell Q.
Klinger springs to mind.
Ah, damn it.
I'm not responsible for the death of this kid's brother.
You got a tough one, Hawk.
Want some help? No, I'll handle it myself.
You just answer your own letter.
Okay.
If you change your mind Damn it.
[Thinking.]
Dear Louis Yes, becoming a doctor usually requires a lot of training.
But every rule has an exception.
Sir, welcome to Death Valley East.
I'm M.
Klinger, chief clerk and bottle washer.
I'm Captain William Bainbridge, here on temporary assignment.
Of course you are.
I personally requested a replacement for Major Winchester.
He's at a seminar in Tokyo.
Oh, sirs.
I got that pinch hitter you've been browbeating me for.
- Hey! - This is Captain William Bainbridge.
- Call me Bill.
- You're an overdue Bill.
I'm Hawkeye.
This is B.
J.
Hey, Bill, are we glad to see you.
Come on.
We'll buy you some lunch.
We were betting H.
Q.
Would lose our request for you, and you'd never get here.
- But they fouled up and handled everything perfectly.
- [Chuckles.]
Says a lot for the power of positive incompetence.
Yeah.
I couldn't believe I was being sent to a MASH unit.
Do you really get a lot of cases here? - We get cases by the case.
- Nothing going on now, but it could get busy tonight.
Well, I make it a policy to keep regular office hours.
- [Laughing.]
- Regular hours? Oh, you are a babe in the war.
This isn't like private practice.
We get wounded round the clock.
Yeah, but it's not as though they'd die if they don't see me before morning.
- Uh - Oh, uh - Are you afraid of what I'm afraid of? - I'm afraid so.
Yeah.
Look, th This may seem like a silly question but just exactly what line of work are you in? Well, same as you.
I'm a lawyer.
[B.
J.
Thinking.]
That's right.
The army made a little boo-boo.
After sending us a lawyer, we figured the next one would have to be an Indian chief.
So wejust decided a little on-the-job training was in order.
- How about if we let Bill cut this one? - Yeah.
Go ahead.
- Wrap the scissor around your hand.
- Right there.
Snip that right off.
Don't shake.
Hey! Good.
- Hey.
A cut above average.
- Yeah? You're great with scissors.
You could be a doctor.
Or a barber.
- This is so unprofessional.
I really must object.
- Objection overruled.
Relax, Margaret.
The lawyer's only here on a trial basis.
Haven't you ever heard of anybody practicing medicine? And besides, the case is closed and the patient rests.
O.
R.
Is now adjourned.
Hey, Hawk, do you remember Bill Bainbridge, doctor-at-law? So this letter has triggered a crisis of conscience for you.
A crisis of guilty conscience.
Essentially he's saying I'm a very large cog in the war machine.
I'm not sure he's wrong.
Hawkeye, do I need to point out that you don't take lives, you save them.
I'm also in weapons repair.
I fix people up so they can go out and get killed.
Or kill other people.
I can't deny that.
And I can't live with it either.
How can I help you? Answer this letter for me, okay? All right, Hawkeye.
I'll help you by not answering the letter.
- Huh? - Well, you did say no trading.
- Oh, come on, Father.
This is serious.
Come on.
- I am serious.
This letter has stirred up some very deep feelings in you, Hawkeye and you're going to have to deal with those feelings whether you answer the letter or not.
It seems to me that the the problem isn't just what you tell him it's also what you tell yourself.
Perhaps you can find an answer that will satisfy both of you.
- Can you see that, Hawkeye? - Yeah, sure I can.
It just doesn't make it any easier.
Oh.
Listen You're not the only one who has sensitive letters to reply to.
"Dear MASH people, I'm writing this only because Teacher's making me.
"Personally, I'd rather be playing dodgeball, 'cause this is really boring.
Your friend, Mary Collins.
" Thanks, Father.
I needed that.
Ahh.
Nothing like toastin' the tootsies.
[Thinking.]
Dear Danny, Hell, yes Uh Heck, yes, sometimes we do get ants in our pants and you'd be surprised what little things will scare up interest.
Why, just the other day Good morning, Colonel Set Shot.
How goes the round ball? Shh.
I got me a run of 14 straight free throws and I don't wanna break my concentration.
Do these ears deceive me? Did you say 14 in a row? Sure.
This is "Hoops" Potter you're talkin' to.
When it comes to basketball, I'm the bee's knees.
But, sir, the camp record is only 31 free throws.
All you need is some more.
Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
The colonel just made 14 free throws in a row.
- Fourteen in a row.
Did you hear that? - Klinger.
Klinger.
What say we keep this shooting streak on the q.
t.
? I'm just gettin' a little exercise.
The last thing I need is a packed house eyeballing my basketballing.
[Crowd.]
Twenty-eight.
! [Cheering.]
Thank you very much.
Sherman, Sherman, he's our man.
If he can't do it, no one can.
Yeah, Sherman! - [Cheering.]
- [Margaret.]
Yeah, Sherman.
! [Man.]
Throw the thing.
Come on.
I feel like a sideshow freak.
[Man.]
Come on.
Twenty-nine! [Cheering.]
Come on, Colonel! You're a B.
M.
O.
C.
, Colonel.
Big Man on Camp.
You could be the army's first draft choice.
My goodness.
This is quite exciting, isn't it? [Chuckles.]
Matter of fact, it is.
Come on, Shermy baby! I oughta shove this ball right in your big mouth.
Ah, the temperament of a gifted athlete.
[Margaret.]
Don't make him nervous.
Thirty! - He's incredible.
- The man is steady as a rock.
- I need a drink.
- And break training? Never, sir.
Just relax.
Just relax, sir.
Breathe, breathe.
[Inhales.]
All right.
Only one more to tie.
There's no pressure.
None at all.
Just put it out of your mind that you're carrying the hopes and dreams of all these desperate people who have so little to cheer about.
Get away from me! [Hawkeye Whispering.]
Shh.
Be quiet.
There he goes.
[Whispering.]
[Klinger.]
No pressure, sir.
No pressure.
Light as a feather.
Shh.
No pressure.
Oh! [Groaning.]
- Oh.
- Oh, Sherman.
- I could have sworn he was gonna do it.
- So close.
I thought he was gonna You're still "Hoops" in my book, sir, no matter how many spirits you've crushed.
[Potter Thinking.]
So, son, take a word of advice from a retired bucketeer.
If you take up a sport, make it horseshoes, where you don't have to be perfect.
Sincerely, Sherman T.
, formerly "Hoops", Potter.
[Sighs.]
One.
Careful.
Enjoy the walk, Captain Nemo? [Sighs.]
I went to see Father Mulcahy.
I was trying to pawn my letter off on him.
- Aha.
- And he said, in essence, "Physician, heal thyself.
" Chalk up an incomplete pass of the buck.
Well, that's what I get for tackling the Fighting Irish.
I'm gonna try to sleep, and fail.
[Groans.]
[Girl's Voice.]
Dear Doctor or Nurse, Right now it is autumn in Maine.
Everything seems very beautiful.
I don't know if you have autumn in Korea so I'm sending you a leaf from a birch tree.
I hope you like it.
- Autumn in New England.
- What's that, Charles? Hmm? Nothing.
It's more childishness.
[Thinking.]
Dear Virginia It is with indescribable joy that I accept your gift.
It is indeed testimony to the beauty that exists in all creation but perhaps nowhere more than in a young girl's heart.
Doctors, we have an emergency.
This is Dr.
Breuer.
He runs the missionary school.
One of our children slipped in the mud and hit her head against a rock.
She's unconscious, and her right pupil is dilated.
I'm an M.
D.
, but I think she needs a surgeon.
- Need any help? - No, we're all right.
We can handle it.
We got it.
Ah, you were right, Doctor.
She's got a fracture.
- Probably subdural hematoma.
- We'll have to go in and drain it.
She's ready, Doctors.
- Sponge.
- Clamp.
Dear God, I thank you for providing these skilled surgeons.
To have them here in this place at this time is truly a sign of your providence.
Please bless their work.
[Hawkeye Thinking.]
Ronnie, it's not a good idea to take the love you had for your brother and turn it into hate.
Hate makes war, and war is what killed him.
I understand your feelings.
Sometimes I hate myself for being here.
But once in a while, in the midst of this insanity a very small event can make my being here seem almost bearable.
I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you, Ronnie except to suggest that you look for good wherever you can find it.
- She's doing okay.
- Yeah.
I think she's gonna be fine.
- How about you? - Well, I'm still here.
- Rain stopped.
- Yeah? [Birds Chirping.]
Well, look at that.
A break in the gloom.
- I don't believe it.
- Hey.
- [Chuckles.]
- There must be 500 more letters here and there are only Sure.
They must have notified the whole state and I'm the lug who's gotta lug them in here.
Yahoo! Hot sausage! Thirty-two! [Cheering.]