My Family (2000) s09e02 Episode Script

- This lasagne's delicious! - Mm-hm.
Isn't it? I told you I have a talent for cooking.
Mmm-mm! Where did you get it? I made it.
Where did you get it? The freezer in the garage.
I haven't cleared it in years.
What's the expiry date on this? Well, it's (Mumbles) - Which year, Ben? - 1988.
- Oh my God! - Calm down! Relax, Susan! It's got a built-in safety margin.
Not 20 years! This lasagne is older than Michael! And let's be honest, a little more fun to be with! Ooh, you look nice.
What's the occasion? - I have a date.
- What, in court? No, a date with a guy.
- What? - Oh, it's nothing.
Nothing.
Just normally when you go on a date your outfit's so tight we can see your kidneys.
Who's the man? - I'd rather not talk about him.
- OK, another one on death row.
It's only been a few weeks.
It's going really well.
- I don't want to jinx it.
- Quite right, darling.
Never share your dreams with your father.
He'll only shatter them, leaving you an empty husk riddled with E coli.
You say E coli, I say gastric cleanser.
Great, you're all here.
Listen, I have a big announcement to make.
You've hit puberty? Ml5 have approached me to apply for a job.
Oh my God! Darling, I'm so proud of you.
- Mikey, you're going to be a spy? - That's just one possibility.
Have they not seen you ride a bicycle? That's the good news.
The bad news is I probably won't get the job.
- Oh.
- Why? I had to put the family as referees.
They'll want to interview you.
They'll judge me based on what you say.
Oh, Michael, that's awful.
No, it's not awful.
I tell you what, Mikey, don't worry.
I'll put in a good word for you, mate.
You've got nothing to worry about, Michael.
We'll sit them down, have an honest conversation.
- Absolutely.
- We'll just be our normal selves.
I'm so screwed.
Look at you! You look especially nice today.
Putting on a pair of matching socks and combing one's hair is something professional people do, you might take note.
My patients come to me for my artistry as a dentist.
I have no need for the use of smoke and mirrors.
Some mouthwash would be nice, though.
Do you have any cash? I need taxi money.
- Well, why don't you go to a bank? - I haven't time.
James Garrett's in town.
I'm taking him out for lunch.
James Garrett, the handsome multi-millionaire James Garrett? James Garrett, my richest client, who in two days' time is about to make the biggest purchase yet, James Garrett.
That's who you're tarting yourself up for, is it? I see.
Jealousy is an immature emotion, Ben.
I'm not jealous.
We go through this every time James is in town.
I mean, sure, he's handsome, tall, charming, hugely wealthy, fit, great smile Sorry, where was I? If he's so rich why doesn't he pay for the taxi? Because it's my job to wine and dine him.
Get him in the mood to spend.
There's nothing I wouldn't do to make this man happy.
What does that mean? Figure of speech.
You have nothing to worry about.
I do this with all my clients.
This is a purely professional business relationship.
(Mobile ringing) (Giggles) James! Yes, we absolutely are on.
Susan, Susan, give me that back.
Give me the wallet, Susan! Really? I can't wait to hear all about it.
Well, I can't wait for my wallet! Yes, I've cancelled all my afternoon appointments.
I'm all yours.
- I'll be home late, don't wait up.
- Just give me the wallet.
I'll be there in a minute.
I'll just get a taxi and then I'll be there.
(Shouts) Enjoy your bus ride.
(Laughs wickedly) I've been mugged.
I've been mugged! - How does she do that? - Mum sounds happy.
Yes, she's got a date with the Devil, Mikey.
Isn't that Mum's bag? Yeah.
Yeah, I'll er I'll drop it off down at the gallery.
I'm going right past there.
You're actually going through Mum's bag? You're going to make a very good spy, Michael.
What's this? That looks like a hotel key card to me.
Thank you, Bond.
That'll be all.
"Darling, see you at the Beaumont Hotel tonight, 8pm.
"Room 108.
"All my love James.
" And I'm paying for her to get there.
Right, you would be Michael's older sister, Janey.
Wow, you boys at Ml5 really do your homework.
It's written on his application.
Anyway, these interviews are fairly straightforward.
Just try to be as honest and frank as possible.
OK.
and there was that time I wet myself on a roller coaster.
Oh, and I drank a pint of Kahlua once and projectile vomited all over my geography teacher.
Very funny.
Oh, and I got barred from a nightclub, once, in Weymouth Thank you, Miss Harper.
That's all very illuminating.
When I told you to be honest and frank I was actually asking about your brother.
Him? Oh, sorry! You know, to tell you the truth, I don't really know him that well.
(Man) Yes? Room service.
I'm sorry, we haven't ordered any.
- (Man) Yes? - (As woman) Hello, housekeeping.
I'm here to turn down the covers.
You've already done that.
(Man) What now? Hotel manager, I've got complaints that you haven't been cooperative.
OK, OK, Garrett, where is she? - Ben, try not to get upset.
- I've gone through that stage! I wanted to tell you but she didn't think you'd be happy.
Oh, she got that right! I know you have to be protective but she knows what she wants and she wants me.
Have you no shame? I know I'm a bit older than her usual but it's not like I'm her first.
- How long has this been going on? - We're still feeling each other out.
Ben, don't get angry.
I can show her the world, introduce her to the finer things in life.
- She'll have a great time.
- She won't, I'm going to kill you! - Dad.
- Just stay out of this, Janey.
OK? - If you What are you doing here? - No, what are you doing here? Not what you're doing here, that's for sure! I thought your mother was going to be doing here what you're doing here (Ben clears throat) (Loud thump) Hi, darling, hi.
Hi.
- What are you doing home so early? - I don't know.
Having your father burst into your boyfriend's hotel room is a bit of a mood killer! It was an honest mistake.
I was hoping to find your mother there.
I don't know what I'm angriest about.
That you went through my bag, barged in on us, or that you stole the bathrobe from the room! Honestly, I thought that was complimentary.
This is the best thing that's happened to me for ages and you've ruined it! Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
But if you hadn't been sneaking around Me, sneaking? It was you lurking about in hotel corridors! I'm sorry, darling, I'm sorry.
Look, Dad, just do me a favour, OK? Please, don't mention anything to Mum.
James wanted to keep this quiet given that they work together.
If there's one thing your dad is good at it's keeping secrets from your mother, OK? Listen, babe, I have the nerves of an international diamond thief.
(Door opens) - What's going on? - I found her in James' hotel room.
What? Great job, Dad.
Just wondered how the interview went? - What were you doing in his room? - Dad was there too.
- What were you doing there? - I was looking for you.
- You were looking for me? - Yeah, and then I found her.
I'll come back later.
Why were you looking for me? - The question I keep asking myself.
- Now I'm asking you! You know how you wanted a new bathrobe? Well, I got you one.
So, James is the man you've been seeing.
I was going to tell you.
I wanted to wait until I knew it was serious.
Is it serious? Yeah.
Yeah, it is.
Right.
I'm sorry, Mum.
I know it's a bit weird given James is a client and everything but we really like each other.
Weird? There's nothing weird.
It's wonderful, darling.
- You sure? - Yes, I couldn't be happier.
It's going to be a disaster.
Disaster? Are you kidding? Ha! The man's a multi-millionaire! Just think, cocktails in Monte Carlo, golfing in Bali, romantic dinners aboard his yacht.
You do realise he's dating Janey, not you? She needs our support on this and this may be our last chance to get her to move out! I have a bad feeling about this.
Why would someone like James want Janey? Don't start pulling that thread, we might lose him altogether.
Do you think he's got a biplane? I just don't get it.
James is cultured, intellectual and Janey's well Janey.
She's got some things going for her.
She she She repaired our DVD.
- That was Michael.
- Was it? They all look alike to me.
I hope he's not using her.
You're jealous.
Oh, please! Yes, "jealousy is an immature emotion".
- Oh, you're talking rubbish! - Probably.
I'm quoting you.
I'm concerned about the happiness of our daughter.
And you're jealous.
No.
I've got a meeting with James tomorrow.
I'm going to find out if he's really serious about her.
Ooh, sounds like a plan.
A plan of a jealous woman.
- Oh, please! - Your eye's twitching.
Oh, stop Shut up.
Stop grinning.
Is it? Faliraki? No, Athens.
Oh! Athens, Athens, Athens, Athens.
OK, give me another one.
What's the capital of Spain? Ibiza? Do you only know places where you flashed a barman? Michael, I need your help with this.
James has been all over the world and I never know where he's talking about.
- You doing this for James? - No, I'm doing it for me but OK, maybe being with James makes me want to expand my mind.
Finding it would be a start.
Dad, what are you wearing? Your mother wanted me to dress for her exhibition, so I decided to drag out the old tux.
I haven't worn this for 25 years, Mikey.
Fits like a glove.
It's called keeping yourself in trim, my boy.
That's called living in a fantasy world, my boy.
You can't wear that to Mum's exhibition.
- You'll have to hire one.
- What, at 60 quid a shot? No way.
You've got an interview with the Ml5 guy.
(As Sean Connery) Location, Harper household.
Information classified.
This agent will explode in 17 seconds.
Less than that if you don't loosen those trousers! As long as Mum's interview goes OK it's down to you, so if you could tone it down a bit? Mikey, it'll be fine.
I'll be Joe Doe, nobody, Mr Anybody.
(As Sean Connery) I will not exist because I will be Bond himself.
(Hums James Bond theme) Everything's fine.
Er, could you just turn around now? I erm, I have to leave.
This agent has just exploded.
Mrs Harper? Sorry.
I was miles away.
You should talk to the rest of the family and come back to me.
We did talk to your other son, Nick.
There was nothing.
He's a good kid.
He wouldn't tell tales on his brother.
No.
There was nothing.
Now, we do have a few reservations about Michael's physical stamina.
Really? You shouldn't.
He did three years of Jazz and Tap.
He did the Lion King at school.
People still talk about his performance as Pumba the Warthog.
He could have done it professionally but he had the weak ankles.
I should stop, shouldn't I? Yes.
Are we almost done here? There's just one more question.
Would you say you have a tight-knit family? Well, yes.
We've always looked out for each other.
Except when some of us choose not to listen to some others of us and choose to accuse them of feelings they absolutely do not have because they take a perfectly valid interest in the welfare of some other people.
- Why is your eye twitching? - You said just the one question.
(Man) I'll show you out.
Take care.
Susan? Susan! Hello.
You're a bit early for our meeting, aren't you? Am I? I thought we were meeting in the lobby.
- Were we? - Yeah.
I adore the sculptures you've added to the Makasuri exhibition.
I had no idea he was so versatile.
Actually, James, I have to go.
Now.
We were going to go through the catalogue.
Here.
Look at pages 29 to 90.
The prices are all in Yen.
You'll need a Japanese dictionary.
Bye.
Susan? This way.
(Hums Mendelssohn's Wedding March) Everything going all right with James, is it? - Dad, he's so fascinating.
- Mm-hm, and rich, yeah.
- Handsome.
- And rich.
- Just really - Rich! So er, any plans to move in with him? Trying to get rid of me? No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter, more gaining a millionaire.
Where's our whisk? James loves soufflés.
I really want to make him one.
- Ben.
Oh, God! Ben.
- What's the matter? I was right.
I was right.
- James is just using Janey.
- Oh, it's just a soufflé, Susan! What? No.
I'm talking about the woman I saw James kissing outside his room.
- No.
No.
No.
- God, I told you, didn't I? I told you.
He's just stringing her along.
Oh, poor Janey.
Of course she's too blind to see it.
She's going to be devastated.
Janey, darling! Did you hear that? I'm blind, not deaf.
I wouldn't have blurted it out if I'd known you were here.
- I'm sure.
- Oh, I'm Come here.
- You really are incredible, Mum.
- I'm sorry? You're so jealous you have to make up a story.
I saw him kissing another woman coming out of his room.
- What were you doing by his room? - Yes, what were you doing? I had a meeting with him, which is a perfectly valid reason to be there.
- Unlike yours.
- I got you a bathrobe! So what if he was kissing another woman? It could have been his sister.
If that's how he kisses his sister then two-timing is not your biggest problem! Mum, how did the interview go? You know what this is about? You fancy my boyfriend and can't stand I'm the one he wants.
I'll come back later.
You're being ridiculous, you're acting like a child.
No.
Come on, let's be honest here.
You can't believe James would go for someone like me.
Come on, that's not fair.
Listen to your mother.
Was she jealous earlier? Yes.
Was she jealous enough to make up a story? Maybe.
Are you trying to help me here? I'm just saying, Janey, she's watching out for you.
Yeah? It'd be nice if she did it further away than right outside his room.
Oh, Janey! Janey! Can you believe that? I'm sorry, Susan.
You can see her point of view.
What do you mean? I mean, are you absolutely sure about this whole thing? - You think I'm making it up? - A jealous mind can play tricks.
I can't believe you're accusing me of lying.
I didn't say lying, I said mistaken, you know, confused maybe.
Confused as in what? Insane? No, no, no.
Well, let's define insane.
Fine.
You caught him cheating, then confront him with it.
Confront my biggest client? Tonight's exhibition has taken the best part of a year to arrange.
James wants to buy most of the collection.
What am I supposed to do, throw that all away? OK, OK, yeah, I see your point.
Yeah, tough decision, so what do you do? Do what's right for your bank account or your daughter? And I know I think we both know the answer to that.
Right.
Our daughter comes first.
No, no, no! The other one.
Of course, I did consider becoming a spy myself.
It was up in the air for a while, but then I felt my calling was teeth.
With one you've got to keep your mouth shut and the other you've got to keep your mouth open! That's a good slogan.
You can use that.
- No, we can't.
- OK.
Oh, may I? May I? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's this? What is this? Don't tell me.
It's a retinal scanner, is it? It's a (Whistles) It's a deadly missile.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a sonic transmitter, is it? - We're supposed to keep this quiet.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's a pen.
- Mm-hm.
We're particularly interested in the A-levels Michael picked.
They're an unusual choice for his type of degree.
Yes.
Yes, very unusual.
Do you know why he chose to do those subjects? Yes, I could tell you but then I'll have to kill you.
No.
No, he chose, erm, Science because he was very fond of Science.
Science? Uh-huh, Science, yeah.
And The Arts.
Really? Such as Art.
Then why did he do Maths, French and Law, then? Why, indeed.
Now, there's one last thing, Mr Harper.
Uh-huh.
Here's a list of websites recently accessed on your son's computer.
Oh my God! Well, young men, they have desires they can't control, you know, I mean.
Yeah, OK, a few of them are quite near the knuckle but erm You know, it's a phase.
He'll erm He'll grow out of that.
And we accessed the user's identity from the webcam.
Whoa, you guys, you are so brilliant.
That's g That's me! James.
James.
Hi, Ben.
- What the hell are you wearing? - I'm trying to impress you.
- It was the only one left.
- The cheapest, wasn't it? It was the cheapest, yeah.
- I've got a lot of Scottish in me.
- Glenfiddich doesn't count.
Look at him.
Swanning about.
Taking us all for fools.
I really should confront him.
Oh, relax.
He's going to spend an awful lot of money.
Just sell your soul for one more night.
I can't let him destroy Janey like this.
No, not when you did such a good job earlier.
Oh, Ben, what am I doing? I've lost all perspective on what's important.
I'm sacrificing my family for money.
Oh my God, I'm you! In the 15 years I've been carrying out these interviews for Ml5 I have never come across a family like yours.
Yeah.
They're unique.
Anyway, I'm pleased to say a position in the computer and network specialist division will be available when you finish your studies, should you want it.
I don't understand.
You met my family? Exactly.
It's a miracle you haven't cracked up yet.
You've clearly been under torture for years.
Welcome to Ml5.
Ah, look at her.
So sweet and innocent.
Yeah.
Who are we looking at? - What do you think of this one? - Huh? Oh, it seems nice.
You seem preoccupied.
Something wrong? - It's nothing.
I - Which usually means it's something.
Go on.
You'll laugh when I tell you.
Mum says she saw some woman come out of your room and that you kissed her.
I mean, it's silly.
- Why aren't you laughing? - Janey Oh God, it is true.
Yes, I did have a visitor.
It was Lynn, my ex.
You're getting back together? No, she wanted to talk about finalising our divorce.
Mum says is was a pretty heavy-duty kiss.
It's a pretty heavy-duty divorce.
That kiss saved me a yacht.
It meant nothing, I promise.
So, we're OK? Of course.
Good.
Easy, easy, slugger, easy! Rise above it, rise above it.
I can't look at him any more.
To think I used to respect him.
Oh God, I'm supposed to be making a speech.
- I'm going to get my notes.
- Great.
(Inaudible conversation) So, how? - How's it going? OK? - Uh-huh, fine.
Are you cheating on my daughter? No, Dad, it's fine.
The woman was James' ex-wife.
He was kissing her to save his yacht.
Oh, thank God! You saved the yacht, that's great.
So, everything's OK with you? More than OK.
James is flying me out to Athens next week, which is in Greece.
Is he? Oh, you're so good together.
I'll just talk to your mother.
One second.
- Susan.
Great news.
- I'm about to make my speech.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
May I have your attention, please? Ladies and gentlemen, this is an exciting night for our gallery and it's wonderful to see you all here.
(Susan thinking) Look at him, standing there, acting so smug.
Art lovers know that when we see something we like we can make quite an exhibition of ourselves.
He thinks we're all idiots.
That's why I am delighted to introduce Mr Taro Makasuri who is responsible for this fabulously brave and beautiful exhibition.
Pleasel It's a car crash.
I would also like to welcome James Garrett who has long been an excellent friend to this gallery.
I can't do thisl (Ben thinking) Yes, you can, Susanl Yes, you canl In fact, I have a very substantial cheque from James, who has bought the entire collection.
(Susan) Oh, I can't stand it any morel (Ben) Don't say it, Susan.
Don't say itl It's just a shame that he's a selfish, two-timing rat.
OK.
She said it.
Yes, he's good at buying things, is James, like paintings and also the affections of my daughter.
But, let me tell you something.
Janey is no oil painting.
Thanks a bunch.
Don't thank me, Janey, this is what a mother does.
And as for your cheque, thanks but no thanks.
If you every come anywhere near my family again I will splatter you like a Jackson Pollock.
(Whispering) Susan, they're planning to go off to Greece together.
(Gulps) James, wait.
Hey, guys, great news.
- There's been a misunderstanding.
- Certainly has.
Your family is nuts.
No, James.
I'll come back later.
Well done, Mum.
James, it was a joke.
Ha-ha! We take cash.
Hey, it's fine.
They do a very good car-boot sale where we live.
I'm sorry for messing things up for you, darling, I really am.
But you'll get over him.
There are other men out there who will make you very happy.
Sure, he had a lot to offer but sometimes it's just not meant to be.
Do you want another tissue? Yeah, please.