Only Fools and Horses (1981) s09e02 Episode Script

# Stick a pony in me pocket # I'll fetch the suitcase from the van # 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions # Then, brother, I'm your man # 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery # It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea # But here's the one what's driving me berserk: # Why do only fools and horses work? # Del got a minute to run a leather over my Mini? Marlene, I'm not a car cleaner.
I merely agreed to do some driving for Boycie.
Sorry, darling, I forgot.
Just doing it to earn some money? No, no.
This is a hobby of mine.
I love driving you and Boycie to weddings, waiting till midnight.
Yes, Marlene, I'm doing it to earn a few quid.
I've got a few problems on the financial front.
Being bankrupt doesn't help, does it? I never thought of that! Marlene, finish your make-up.
You should be ready for the second coat.
Keep your noise down, Boycie, or people will think we're vulgar! - Del, coffee? - Cheers, Boyce.
No, I mean go and make me a cup! Boyce, you know this car's a GTi? If you rearrange the letters, you've got a personalised number plate! Two sugars in mine.
- Good afternoon! - Afternoon.
Have Mr and Mrs Boyce moved? Er, no.
They're in prison.
- What? - I'm searching the house.
- I'm from the Drug Squad.
- My word! They will be on parole soon, so watch your step! Thank you, Officer.
Not at all, Ma'am.
"Two sugars"! I shouldn't go in my condition.
I can't smell my own aftershave.
But I can't smell Del's either, so that's a plus! Keep your mouth shut at this wedding.
Don't be sarcastic to my family.
That'll limit the conversation! They make Grant Mitchell look intelligent! I'm fed up having to defend you.
OK, you're ugly, but successful.
It's taken years to convince my mum you're not a vampire! Looking forward to the wedding? You look lovely, darling! Did I tell you about my new business deal? Yes, two or three dozen times! In a few weeks, Boycie will fly to Paris to sign the contract! - He'll be a multimillionaire! - I'll wet meself in a minute.
Should we buy a new house or have this renovated? Marlene, have some sensitivity.
Don't talk about millions and big houses in front of Del.
It must have been awful for you and Raquel having that money - and then losing it.
- Good comes out of bad, Boycie.
Raquel says she now appreciates the little things of life.
Marlene knows all about that.
She had no choice! When the contract's signed, Del, we'll get together for a chat about what you did when you became a millionaire.
Make sure I don't make the same mistakes! Marlene, where's my hair gel? - Wherever you left it.
- Oh.
- Uncle Rodders - Hmm? What was my dad like as a teenager? Horrible.
Boo Yukka Shah! - Uncle Rodders - Hmm? - What'll I be like in my teens? - Horrible.
Yes! Mum, Rodders says I'll be horrible when I grow up.
- Did he? - All teenagers are horrible.
- The "Kevin and Perry" period.
- They are a bit annoying.
But when you're 21, a man becomes sensible and normal.
Anyway, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel.
So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac! That's the theory, anyway! What's happening? Anything on the go? - What's that? - Nothing to worry about.
I'm the managing director of Trotters Independent Traders.
Cool! He's better than "The Beano"! - Hang about.
- You were declared bankrupt.
You're banned from running any company or dealing in shares.
You can't even ride past the Stock Exchange on a bike! You owe the Inland Revenue P50,000! Who's out earning money, driving for Boycie, - while you sit on your IQ! - I'm trying to eat! I'll take this conference call into the boardroom.
All right! Sorry, pal, what did you say? Just Rodney reminding me who's in charge.
What? A-ha! Sorry to spoil your appetite, but we can't hide from this.
We need the money or the Inland Revenue will sell this flat and we'll all be up I don't know.
- I've got responsibilities.
- I know.
- Del will think of something.
- Should that encourage me? - Del got us in this mess! - The judge blamed both of you! "Like two Neros playing while your empire burnt.
" We may have been two Neros, but only one was fiddling! Yeah, cushty, Monkey.
All right, we'll see you, Monkey.
Bonjour, Monkey.
That was Monkey.
He's had a consignment of log-effect fires from Slovakia.
I don't want a load of Slovakian log-effect fires.
- That's what I told him.
- Oh.
Good.
- How did you know that? - We know what we both think.
We've always been telescopic.
These gas fires, they're selling like hot cakes.
Paddy the Greek bought 150.
He sold 'em to a builder for 50 quid a pop.
- P50 apiece? - Yep.
And Lenny the gas fitter.
He's putting one in each room of a big house he's doing.
I thought, "Easy money.
" Then I thought, "There's business, "and then there's what Rodney's doing.
" - We're into party planning! - Yes.
- It's big.
- Yes, up in Sloane Square where they like a roasted pepper and couscous! In Peckham they like a kebab and a tattoo! They are very fond of log-effect gas fires.
Well, I am interested in them now.
Good.
I told him we'd have 20.
Oi! Oi, oi, will you stop that? That is your uncle's urn! - What are you doing up? - It's a daytime tradition! Yes, but you're pregnant.
You must rest.
Where were you going? - To get some juice.
- I'll get it.
- I can get the juice.
- I'll get the juice.
- I'm good at getting juice.
- For God's sake, I'll get it! Damien, get the juice.
You've got to calm down, Rodney.
You'll be a nervous wreck.
You've got to be strong, physically and mentally.
I remember the night Damien was born.
It was a wonderful moment.
But it was very traumatic and very stressful.
It wasn't a walk in the park for Raquel, either! No, it wasn't.
I'll get some more tea.
I'm getting some cereal.
Me, not you, not anyone else.
Just me.
OK.
Just be careful.
Oh, my God! Rodney, sit down.
Behaving like a moby.
I've waited a long time for this baby.
It mustn't go wrong.
Fair enough.
There's one thing I don't understand.
A year ago, you and Cassandra were really trying for a baby.
You was at it like a pair of goats.
You became so pale you had to have your passport photo redone.
Stop discussing my private life in front of Damien! Yes, OK.
Sorry.
Anyway, when nothing happened, she sent you to Harley Street - to have your whatsit tested.
- I know! I couldn't get the milk in the fridge for specimens! You said if it wasn't for the magazines, you'd pack it in! We weren't successful at first.
They thought I had a low count.
You were to and fro for ages.
Shame they didn't do air miles! Low count? Who was on the calculator - Trigger? I don't believe you! Then you change your mind about having a chavvy and go late-night shopping at family planning.
We discussed it.
Our initial reaction was, naturally, to wait until the financial climate was more conducive.
Then we had a change of heart.
I understand that.
But you'll have the bailiffs as godparents! This baby is a token of our belief in our marriage, in Trotters Independent Traders and in the future of Britain.
But most important, as a token of our belief in this family.
Rodney if your mother could hear you she'd be so proud.
- It's how we feel.
- Good boy! - I know how you get babies.
- I bet you do! It must have been horrible! He's a lad, isn't he? - I'll kick his teeth in! - Thank you.
He does my head in.
I bet he nicked your contraceptive pills.
- Don't be so silly! - No, I searched this flat! No, it was him, rat boy! - He's only young.
- He seems to know everything.
He's a cross between Harry Potter and Swampy.
Rodders, we've got business to sort out.
Go and start the van.
He ain't used to me being in charge yet! - See you later.
- Bye.
Bye! "Final reminder".
"Final reminder".
"Final reminder".
"This is not a circular".
No, it's a final reminder.
This letter's addressed to Albert Trotter.
The Royal Naval Association.
They haven't heard.
- Should we open it? - No, leave it to Del.
I'm off, sweetheart.
See you later, Cassandra.
A letter's arrived from the Seamen's Association.
Oh, that'll be for Rodney.
Tea, please, Carol.
All right, Boycie? Denzil.
What's happening? One of nature's great phenomenons.
One that, sadly, David Attenborough has ignored.
It's called "The Trotters try to park a three-wheel van".
No, hard on your left! Right, that's it.
- Hard on your left! - My left? Right hand down! - Hard on your left, Dave! - Will you shut up! Eh? It's the wrong angle! How's business? What business? I just got myself a new truck and haven't had any work since.
- It's all bad news these days.
- You could be wrong.
I'm in the motor trade, right? Recently, a fellow mason from my lodge mentioned my firm to a player whose name I cannot divulge.
He's a Lebanese gentleman who's made his mark in Europe.
I'll pull out and straighten up.
They reverse vasectomies quicker than this! - Shut up, will ya? - Hard on your left, Dave! So, what's his business? He's in the commercial sector.
Negotiations are at a very sensitive stage.
But in a few weeks, Boyce Autos could own the UK franchise for most of them cheap cars in Europe.
Great! So where do I fit in? You? You don't.
So why are you telling me, then? You said it was all bad news, but it isn't.
Next month, I could be a millionaire.
I don't soddin' believe you, Boycie! I'm trying to cheer you up.
Can you smell onions? If you can't do it, I'll do it myself! - Oi! Who's running this firm? - It's got you puzzled as well? At last! - You can't park there, Dave.
- Eh? Too close to a council installation.
It's my duty as an environmental hygienist to uphold the law.
- What's in that thing? - Freezing salt.
People like me have to spread it on the roads in icy conditions.
What icy conditions?! I attend lectures on modern climactic change.
What with global warming and Al Pacino El Nino, Trig.
You don't know what's gonna happen.
We're getting a bite to eat.
If I buy you two pints and a cheese roll will you turn a blind eye? - Are you bribing me? - Yes.
- All right, then.
- Good.
Come on, let's go.
I'll tell 'em what I think of 'em.
- What's up? - Neighbours won't talk to us.
They're looking down their noses like we're criminals! They're jealous about my European deal.
Ignore 'em.
- OK, what's so funny? - Your advert! It's just stupid.
Look, Rodney, - I used to run my own firm.
- You got probation for that.
It didn't go as I'd planned, true, but the point is, - nobody reads the small ads.
- That's where you're wrong.
Two months ago, Boycie put an ad in for his car firm.
It read, "Urgently required, security guard.
" That night, his showroom was burgled.
Someone reads the small ads! - He's right! - I've got business to see to.
You've got to cash that giro cheque, haven't you? Hello, Cassandra.
How's my godchild? I don't know, Mickey, but MY baby's fine.
- Here's the mum-to-be.
- Hello! What are you doing walking about? We got fed up so I'm getting some exercise.
Doctor's orders.
Doctors say to carry on as normal.
You're not having a natural birth, are you? - We discussed a birthing pool.
- With the damp in your flat, I wouldn't bother! Shame you don't have any fire grates in your place.
Lenny Corby's fitting eight log-effect fires in our house.
I'll invite you and the family for the switching-on ceremony.
- Something to look forward to.
- I'm having an adrenaline rush! When the baby's born, don't worry if it's ugly.
- They're all ugly at birth.
- Some more ugly than others.
When Boycie was born, the midwife slapped his mother! On that note, I'll bid you all goodbye.
Marlene, you can drive me to the showroom.
- See you, Cassandra, Raquel.
- Bye! Del, I brought that letter addressed to Albert.
Albert? I hope you don't have my experience.
From the moment the baby arrived, my wife gave me hell.
Women get post-natal depression.
But we'd adopted! Take no notice.
Sid's a cantankerous, miserable old sod.
His wife was hot-blooded.
Spanish.
He only taught her English so he could stop speaking to her! Rodders, listen to this.
A naval friend of Albert is organising a reunion for the crew of the fleet that went to Denmark in 1944.
- Did Albert go to Denmark? - No, the fleet never made it.
I remember him saying.
The ships were named after sea creatures.
HMS Shark, HMS Barracuda What was Albert's ship? HMS Cod.
Yeah.
He said they got into trouble but it wasn't his fault.
- That would have been a first! - It's in a village in Normandy.
Write and say Albert isn't with us any more.
I suppose so.
It's a shame Elsie Partridge didn't live long enough to go.
- She'd love representing him.
- Remember their story? They fell in love before the war.
He had to go and fight and they both married other people.
Years later, they met again and spent their last years together.
What's up with that scatty cow? Her hormones do somersaults 'cause she's pregnant.
Oh.
You're all right, ain't you? Yes! It's like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
What's Captain Pirelli's mandarin? "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
A film about two lovers who meet again after the war.
A woman's thing.
I've had a thought.
If Elsie can't represent Albert, Rodney and I ought to go.
That's a brilliant suggestion.
Albert would love that idea.
He's not the only one.
You two are going on a booze cruise! - That hurts, Raquel.
- That's a cruel thing to say.
This is a family thing.
We just want Albert to be remembered.
It's like It's our duty.
- Sorry, I was only joking! - I know you didn't mean it.
Raquel, Cassandra, look, a picture of my wife.
Come and have a look.
We could take Albert's ashes and scatter them at sea.
That's a very good idea, Rodney.
He would really like that.
We'll have to do it as we come out of the harbour, because we'll be too pissed to do it later.
You drive Raquel and Cassandra home.
I'll pick up the bill.
- Sure? - Yeah.
Sid, what are all these little holes? Darts.
It's a long story.
We met in 1950 - Want a lift home? - Yes, please! - Bye! - See you.
Sid, take it out of that.
- Have you still got your lorry? - Yeah.
Why? Me and Rodney may go to France.
- Do you want some rolls? - Thanks.
No, not now! Next month.
Got an idea in me head.
- No.
- No? You haven't heard it yet.
Good.
The police can't drag it out of me under interrogation.
What are you on about? When you have an idea, someone in a uniform asks me questions! Can I help it if I am misunderstood? Oh, I understand.
You can get booze very cheaply in France.
I've got a lorry, Sid's got a pub.
So what are you saying? I'm saying Del buys P1,000-worth of half-price alcohol, we drive it back, Sid gets a load of cheap booze, and we share the profits.
No, I was thinking of bringing you some French cheese.
But now you've suggested that - That's a brilliant idea! - First class.
A few trips and we'd earn some decent money.
- I'm not doing it.
- It was your idea! No, it wasn't! Well, it was in a way.
I mean That's not what I meant.
I was trying to I didn't mean The thing is, I was just trying to - Is this anywhere near legal? - Of course! Don't tell Rodney.
Here, Rodney.
You do the honours.
- He would have liked it.
- Yes.
Do it ceremoniously.
Not like you're emptying a hoover bag.
See you again sometime, Unc.
Good luck, old 'un.
(RATTLING) - Did you hear that? - Hope it's not his dentures! - I don't believe it.
- What? - Cassandra's contraceptives! - Cassandra's pills? - Who put 'em in there? - Who do you think? Damien! He's a boy, isn't he? You don't need 'em.
She's up the duff! But if he hadn't put You know.
- He's a little sod, isn't he? - Yeah.
I dunno where he gets it from.
- Must take after Raquel, eh? - Yeah! More than likely! Come on.
(DEL) Right, we travel up this road another three miles.
Then look for a sign saying, "Sainte Claire La Chapelle".
Right? (VAN BACKFIRES) - Where'd you get that?! - What, this? Well, I'm gonna blend in with the locals, Rodney.
I've always been a bit of a Francophile.
- More like a Franco Spencer! - Just keep driving, will ya? Anyway, where is my book? Ah! Bone up on the old French.
Amazing how quick you forget it.
- I noticed (!) - Hmm? I've forgotten the French I learned at school.
Don't you worry.
I'll be with you.
(REGULAR BACKFIRING) It is a difficult language, you know.
One of my most favouritest meals is duck a I'orange.
- I can't say that in French.
- It's "canard".
You can say that again, bruv! The French word for duck is "canard".
Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2! No, that's Cunard.
They make the boats.
The French for duck is "canard".
Lovely jubbly.
So how do the French say "a I'orange"? - A I'orange! - The same as we do? Yes! Oh, dear! It's a pity they don't use more of our words, innit? - Yeah.
Stupid, aren't they? - Yeah.
(DEL) I can't wait to get there, Rodders.
I bet they'll throw a mardigras.
The French don't scrimp on celebrations.
(RODNEY) I imagine it'll be a quiet backwater somewhere.
(INAUDIBLE) (RODNEY) I bet they don't even know the war's over! (VAN BACKFIRES) A-ha! Au revoir! Au revoir, au revoir! Derique und Rodney Trottaire.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Bonjour.
Excuse me.
Did you say "Trotter"? We're Albert Trotter's great-nephews.
Very pleased to meet you.
George Parker.
I sailed with your uncle during the war.
- Is Albert not coming? - No, I'm afraid not.
Unfortunately, he passed away a few months ago.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
Yeah, so are we.
Well, where's the crew? Crew? Oh, I'm the only one that's turned up.
The others are either dead, in homes or couldn't be bothered.
I see.
Well, we're here to represent Albert.
- So let's get started! - Mr Mayor.
S'il vous plait.
(THEY PLAY "THE MARSEILLAISE" BADLY) You're wearing Albert's medals! Yes, with pride.
Rodney, show some decorum.
This is the American anthem.
(DENZIL) We should have got a later ferry.
But did I say that? No, I listened to Del as I always do.
(TRIGGER) Still, it gives us time to see France.
We've got sodding hours to kill! Relax, Denzil, relax.
Corinne was always saying that.
"Relax, Denzil".
And I would.
- Then Del would phone - I liked Corinne.
I used to hope that if I got married, - it'd be to a girl like her.
- Yeah, she was OK.
Ever thought of getting married? No, I haven't met the right person yet.
I've always had this image of my perfect woman.
- My dream girl.
- What's she like? Oh, nothing to look at.
Very plain.
Scar on her chin where she had a wart removed.
Jelly baby? Yeah.
(THEY PLAY A MARCHING TUNE BADLY) Oh, that's Albert, all right! You two haven't a clue.
You've led lives of luxury.
You don't know what it is to suffer on the high seas.
Actually, we do.
We've served our time at sea.
- Where? In the Falklands? - A cruise around Hawaii.
- A cruise-liner is not a ship! - Kept the water off our feet.
On the Russian convoys, your uncle and me had 100-foot waves! It got a bit choppy round Honolulu one night.
- We had storm and tempest.
- You didn't see our cabaret! - We had hail and sleet.
- We had Hale and Pace! Sometimes I think about the future.
I don't want to end up a lonely bachelor like my cousin Ronnie.
He had a strange taste in women.
In what way? Well, they were men! I remember Ronnie.
- Do you miss being married? - Some things I miss.
- I'd like to meet a nice woman.
- Me, too.
- Take her for something to eat.
- Yeah.
Get to know each other a bit.
Might like each other.
Who knows, in time maybe she might do a bit of ironing for me! There's something I want to know.
How come you, the crew of a British naval vessel, - ended up 30 miles inland? - That's a long story.
- We gotta go.
- We were sailing in a flotilla.
Oh, God! We were going to Denmark to drop off supplies to the Marines.
Our ship, HMS Cod, was at the rear of the fleet and Albert was at the wheel.
We got a radio message to say a German fleet was approaching.
Soon, Jerry spotted us.
Albert, without waiting for orders, threw the ship to port.
Five minutes later, we crashed.
- Into what? - France! We hit some rocks off Normandy and ran aground.
We were sitting ducks.
Jerry was on our tail, so we legged it overland.
We were going for two days and nights.
We ended up here in this little village.
The people, God bless them, took us in and hid us.
The Gestapo looked for us but never found us until that fateful day when we were betrayed.
- You're kidding! - No, no.
I don't want to upset you, but Albert was a bit of a lad then.
He could sing, dance, play the piano.
The women liked him and he liked the women.
During our stay here how shall I put it? He kept himself busy.
Oh, no.
I don't believe him, the garrity old git! Tout de suite! It was every man for himself in those days.
There was a war on.
They were hard times (SILENT) Most men were either away or locked up.
But when they heard about Albert they weren't best pleased, which was understandable.
- Who grassed you up? - The French Resistance.
One day, the SS turned up and rounded us all up.
Albert, with one or two others, escaped and made it back to Blighty.
Excuse me.
Just going to the gents.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think I am.
There's another one, look! It's like a geriatric "Village of the Damned"! I don't know about "Sainte Claire La Chapelle".
They should have renamed it "Trottersville".
(RODNEY) Think of the other countries he visited and what he must have got up to! America, India (DEL) I bet he didn't leave Australia alone.
Africa, Middle East Remember that woman he mentioned? He's been putting it about all over! Raquel was wrong.
It wasn't like "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
More like Captain Birds Eye's Banjo! Merci beaucoup.
Au revoir! I really don't understand you.
We can buy a bottle of duty-free wine on the ferry.
Yeah, but things in here are a euro or two cheaper.
- And we've got to save money.
- Suppose so.
I don't believe it! - What's that? - Look over there.
- It's Denzil! - You're having me on! Hello, Denzil! Hey! Del! Rod! Hi! - Fancy meeting you here! - What are you doing here? I had a free day, and Christmas is coming, so I popped over for a couple of packs of beer.
- What brings you here? - We went to Albert's reunion.
Rodney said why don't we get a case or two of wine, didn't you? Yeah.
Have you got your truck here? It's out the back.
Why do you ask? I was thinking, we haven't got much room in our van, and if Denzil's got space in his truck, we could take a couple of extra cases.
Hmm? - Yeah, maybe.
- Del Boy! - Dave! - Trigger! Would you believe it? Only if I'd been heavily sedated! Hello, Trig! What are you doing here? You said meet us here at four o'clock! I don't believe you sometimes, Trigger! - This is a set-up, isn't it? - No, no, no, no, no! - It's just a surprise for you! - Right.
We're surrounded by gallons of cheap booze, Denzil's truck's here and the pub needs its cellar filled! Oi, oi, oi! Keep the noise down! OK, I admit it.
It's my fault.
I agreed to it.
- Agreed to it with whom? - With me! I'm running the firm now! Everyone's at it.
We're just a bit slow on the uptake.
- I don't believe this! - We need the money! - OK, but I wasn't looking.
- You was in the toilet.
- You know it makes sense.
- I've paid, Del.
- They're loading it out back.
- He's paid for it.
Come on! Is this it? And that.
Oh, my God! We'll help.
We ain't got long.
- We got plenty of time.
- Yeah.
Wait, did any of us change our watches to French time? - No.
- No.
No! God, we've only got half an hour before the ferry leaves! You dipstick, Rodney! Oi! Pierre! Get out of it.
Mange-tout! Mange-tout! Voila! (RAQUEL) So how was Albert's reunion? Brilliant.
Thousands of people there.
Thousands.
There was a fly-past and everything.
I tried phoning you, but couldn't get through.
We had a letter.
They've cut the phone off.
The bill's unpaid.
I'll sort it out tomorrow.
I'll say I couldn't call 'em 'cause they cut the phone off.
- Have you eaten? - On the ferry.
An omelette.
Del had a mutton Madras and four Irish coffees.
Very nice, too, thanks.
You should have seen the size of this wine warehouse we went to! I said to Denzil we should have them here.
- Denzil was with you? - Eh? Yes, he was there.
We bumped into him.
It was a coincidence.
- Yeah.
Amazing (!) - Yeah.
Look what I got here.
A bottle of champagne to celebrate our safe return.
All the arrangements we made with Sid.
Del said, "Keep the pub cellar clear.
" And what does he do? - What? - Well, you were there! He let the brewery make a delivery! The way that brewery carries on, you'd think they owned the pub! Trigger! (DENZIL) Bloody hell! So you just happened to meet Denzil in a wine warehouse.
- Did Denzil have his lorry? - Don't know.
- Didn't ask.
- It could carry a lot of beer.
- Did Denzil follow you back? - No, he stayed there.
Yeah, he's having a little holiday.
Yes.
Ooh, look, I've just remembered.
I got you a French football shirt.
- Brilliant! Can I try it on? - Course.
- Cass, some French perfume.
- I got you this, sweetheart.
There you are.
Oh, Del, they're lovely! Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
But zircon can be good company! (MOBILE RINGS) Hello? - Del, it's Denzil.
- Denzil?! Why's he phoning me from France? No, he's at your garage.
I know what you're up to.
Why lie? I didn't think the truth would do me any favours.
We need the money, Raquel.
That's no lie.
Let me speak to him.
Bonjour, Denzil.
Champs Elysees! (DEL) Sprechen Sie lingo? Sprechen Sie de old Anglaisee? Give it up, Del, he don't speak a word.
So what'll we do with him? - Just let him go.
- We can't do that! What would happen to a stranger on this estate? - He could be part of Al-Qaeda! - Don't be stupid! Does he look like he works in a furniture store? - No, no - Denzil, let's not go there.
- We'll drop him off somewhere.
- What if the Old Bill pull him? They'll take him to the immigration centre in Croydon.
He was hiding in my truck.
That's a P2,000 fine! Some illegals tell the police who brought them in.
How would we fare under British justice? We can't leave him here.
He'd probably suffocate or something.
- We'll take him to the flat.
- What'll we say to Raquel? We got a bloke, don't know who he is, but do him egg and chips.
- You are a plonker! - Got a better idea? We can keep an eye on him and stop him going to the police.
Oh, I don't believe this! All right.
You carry on unloading and we'll take him somewhere.
- What shall we say? - We'll have to play it by ear.
We've got to get him pugged away somewhere.
Come on.
(FOOTBALL ON TV) Look who we bumped into! Yeah.
He was just walking past.
- Won't you introduce us? - Eh? Yes, sorry, yes, of course.
This is Raquel, my significant other.
This is Cassandra, Rodney's wife.
This is Damien, my son.
And this This This This is Rodney's friend.
Yes, this is my friend.
- Does he have a name? - Course he does! - Of course.
- Course he has a name.
- Well? - His name? His name His name is Gary.
Yes, this is Gary.
Good old Gary! - Nice to meet you, Gary.
- Hi, Gary! He's He's a little bit shy.
He probably wants to sit down.
Gary, sit down.
Good boy.
He's sitting, look.
- Where do you know him from? - Who? Gary? Yeah.
- Um - From Rodney's evening school.
Yes, from evening school.
But I was at your evening school.
That's where we met.
- I don't remember Gary.
- It's another evening school.
- When did you go there, then? - One evening.
Would you like something to drink? Gary? Gary! Yes, he said, "Gary!" It's the way he says it! "Gary"! He can't speak English, can he? What? Him? Speak English? Once he starts, he doesn't stop! Did you meet Rodney at evening school, Gary? Gary! Oh, my God, he's an illegal immigrant! Shh! Don't say that too loud round this estate! - You'll cause a panic! - We've got an illegal! Sweetheart, I'm really sorry.
It's nothing to do with us.
- He was in Denzil's lorry.
- We hadn't a clue he was there.
He must have snuck in.
- What will you do with him? - I dunno.
- He can't stay here.
- Where will he go? Shall we sit him down to watch the football? If we chuck him out, he'll be a crack addict by the second half! What we might have to do No, no.
No, no, no.
No, it's all right.
Look, it's a lighter, see? Lighter.
Right? Gary! "Two teaspoons of curry paste.
" That's one Two One for the pot.
Cushty.
Yes! - I can smell something.
- You can't wait, can you? I can! You've got to take your time with this.
The longer the better! I have to find out what nationality Gary is and send him to whoever represents his people.
But he doesn't speak English, so how will you do that? Well Yeah.
Good point.
- Where's Gary? - He's having a shower.
I've lent him some of Del's clothes.
Give him some of Del's aftershave too! No, things are bad enough for him as it is! Del, Rodney's only gone and Look at that! I'm calling this "Chicken Trotter".
That could be a very apt name for it! OK, Gary? Gary.
Come and sit down, son.
Oh, my God! He looks like a set of traffic lights! - Don't be rude! - He's from a war-torn country.
Probably witnessed mass murder.
Maybe he was one of the murderers! He doesn't look like one.
In Del's pyjamas, Adolf Hitler wouldn't either! You could have colour-coordinated him! Fashion design isn't my strong point.
Right, here we go! Ah! Very nice.
Very tasteful, Gary.
Gary! Get your laughing gear round that.
- Why did you make curry? - I wanted him to feel at home.
I don't think he's Asian.
He's more Arabic.
Let's go to "Perfect Pizza" for a pepperoni and sheep's head! It's only a ruby.
No matter if you're Asian, Arab or Eskimo, everyone loves a ruby.
Ooh! Gary! - Glass of water.
- Gary! Get him a glass of water.
- He can finish that out there.
- Gary! Maybe the vindaloo was a bit hot for the boy? (DOORBELL) - It's the police! - This is great.
I'll give birth in Holloway! Shh! I don't know.
Shh! - Hello? Who is it? - Del, it's Boycie! It's OK.
It's only Boycie.
What an unpleasant surprise! - Rodney.
- Boycie.
Good evening, Raquel.
You look lovely tonight.
You too, Cassandra.
You have that maternal glow from being in the family way.
- Hello, little man.
- Do not touch me, batty boy.
- He's a character, isn't he? - What do you want, Boycie? - Cognac would be lovely.
- You'll be lucky! Here you are, Rodney.
Boycie, no way am I driving for you tonight.
No, it's not that, Del.
I've got a problem.
I've been chucked out of my house! - Good for Marlene! - She's finally done it! Marlene didn't.
The police did.
The house is full of gas.
Those bloody log-effect fires Lenny Corby fitted are leaking.
The gas board can't turn it off at the mains 'cause Lenny snapped the handle off! They evacuated the whole road.
Marlene's gone to her mum's and I was going to a hotel, but I left everything in the house.
Wallet, keys, the lot.
Fire brigade won't let me back in.
It's dangerous.
All I've got is what I'm wearing.
That's bad news, Boycie.
What are you doing here? I was in trouble, so I thought I'd go and see my best friend.
But you decided to call here first? Derek has always been my best friend.
On yer bike, Boycie! I just need a bed for the night.
I'm at your mercy.
Why can't you stay at Marlene's mum's? The batty old mare won't let me in! We had a row at that wedding.
She cast doubt upon my personal hygiene.
There was a horrible smell of onion and she blamed me! - Can't you stay with Trigger? - Ever spent an evening there? It's like having a seance with Mr Bean.
- Denzil has room at his place.
- He's not there! - It seems you don't want me.
- It's not that, Boycie.
It is! It's just that we're overcrowded.
Raquel and I have our bedroom, Cassandra and Rodney theirs, - Damien's in his.
- The sofa will do.
- Gary's sleeping on there.
- Gary? Gary.
- Good God! - Gary is Rodney's friend.
Did he get ready for bed in a power cut? - They're your night clothes.
- Got it in one.
Who else can combine lime green and bright red and make it work? I've always had an eye for colour.
Derek, could I have a word, please? Course you can, sweetheart.
Before you say anything, Boycie's not staying.
We've already got Gary.
At least he doesn't speak! Lawrence of Peckham you may be, but Boycie's not staying here.
Look, darling, sweetheart.
I feel just a little bit guilty, you see.
I made Boycie's hair smell like shepherd's pie.
Good! No, because he wouldn't have rowed with his in-laws.
He would have stayed there.
And then there's these gas fires.
- Oh, no! You sold them? - No, not me.
It was Rodney.
I said, "Don't sell 'em, they're dangerous.
" But he wouldn't listen to me.
I feel guilty.
It's only one night! OK.
If they're not gone by tomorrow evening, I will be! They will be history.
Thank you, darling, you are a diamond! No, it's just a little blister.
OK, Boycie, we've decided.
You can stay on the camp bed.
It's in the cupboard.
Perfect, Derek.
Damien, you're sleeping on a camp bed.
No, he is not! You get rid of kids to make way for adults.
But in your case it's an exception.
That or nothing.
OK, the camp bed it will have to be.
Here we are.
I promise you'll hardly know I'm here.
Did you make that drink for me, Raquel? Tell you what, I am starving! - Fancy a plate of curry? - Lovely! Lovely! (BOYCIE GROANS) Are you still awake, Gary? Gary.
That curry's doing a conga in my colon! I only had one mouthful.
- Are you still hungry, Gary? - Gary.
I'll make us a sandwich.
Do "sell by" dates mean nothing to the Trotters? I've seen younger items on the "Antiques Roadshow"! It'll have to be cheese, Gary.
Gary! Do you want piccalilli? Are you cold, son? Get back into bed.
Get back in there.
Nice and warm.
That's it.
Blimey, you are cold, aren't you? Get the suitcase out, set it up and I'll do the spiel.
Excuse me! Hello? I'm in charge now! OK.
What do you want to do? I'll get the suitcase, you do the spiel.
That's a good idea (!) Hello, sweetheart! How are you? - "One night", you said.
- Yeah, but Four bloody nights they've slept in the living room! OK, I'll have words, don't worry.
Boycie puts that hair gel on and then complains about the smell! But I can't say anything to him.
Or he'll know it was me what done it.
Good news.
The gas board has cleared us to move back in.
- Thank you for being there.
- That's OK, Boycie.
- You'd do the same for us.
- I suppose so.
I'd get that smell sorted out if I were you.
I reckon someone's dumped a kebab in your air duct.
You know that contract of mine? - Yes.
- I have to sign it in Paris.
I want you to drive me there.
Make the right impression.
So go and hire us a nice vehicle.
Your showroom is full of cars! Yes, but I want one that'll get us there! You don't mind if I take your staff away? Not at all.
I'll come with you for the ride.
Seeing me become a millionaire may rekindle a few memories! You are one flash git, aren't you? Why don't we drop Gary off on the continent? Don't be stupid, Rodney! We'd be the only ones ever to get fined for smuggling someone OUT of the country! I just saw him hitch-hiking round the Elephant and Castle.
- He's gone? - Damien took him to football.
I saw him in a campervan with a bunch of Australian backpackers.
- Well, we did our best for him.
- Yeah.
I suppose he'll see a bit of the world now.
Can you smell onions? Yeah.
- I told you I'd get it sorted! - Well done, Del.
- I'll see you back at home.
- OK.
Come on, boss, let's get selling! - It's a van! - It's all they had! - They were out of saloons.
- It's comfy.
I don't believe it! The most important meeting in my life and I'm going in a van! Get in! Stop moaning.
Now, one thing, Derek.
We're not stopping to load up with beer.
Nothing was further from my mind! Police in Kent have found the missing billionaire's son, Rachid Mahmoon, who was kidnapped a week ago while working in his father's wine warehouse.
"I was loading the truck when the kidnappers trapped me.
"I was taken to an apartment.
I've no idea where.
"I was held for four days and nights by two men and two women.
"I don't know what language they spoke.
" (SPEAKS ARABIC) "Sometimes I detected the odd word of English.
" "A big man guarded me at night.
He carried a large knife "and his hair smelt of" (IN ARABIC) "onions.
" Interpol are searching for the criminals behind the kidnap.
The only information they have is that the "Gary Gang" may have south London connections.
Interpol recherche activement les kidnappeurs.
Gentlemen? (SPEAKS ARABIC) Mr Boyce, this is Mr Mahmoon.
Delighted.
Please Please sit down.
(IN ARABIC) Monsieur Chairman says he's always admired the British.
His grandmother met an English sailor during the war.
Happy with the contract, Mr Boyce? Oui, extremely.
Then we will sign.
Mr Boyce, Mr Mahmoon's son, Rachid.
- Gary! - Look who it is! (SHOUTS IN PANIC) Small world, isn't it? - Allo, securite? - (CLEARS THROAT) Got a pen? (SIREN BLARES) (BOYCIE) That contract would have made me a millionaire! Thanks to you two, I've been arrested! (RODNEY) Kidnappers? Us? (DEL) Boycie, I was wondering.
On the way back, can we stop at the wine warehouse? Aren't we in enough sodding trouble? Are you paying Del overtime for this? No, I am not! (BOYCIE) Can you smell onions? (DEL AND RODNEY) Shut up! # We've got some half-price cracked ice # And miles and miles of carpet tiles # TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs # Ball games, gold chains, what's-their-names and at a push # Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush # Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush # No income tax, no VAT # No money back, no guarantee # Black or white, rich or broke # We'll cut prices at a stroke # God bless Hooky Street! # Viva Hooky Street! # Long live Hooky Street! # C'est magnifique, Hooky Street! # Magnifique, Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! # Hooky Street! #