Robot Chicken s09e02 Episode Script

1 [Whirring.]
[Title music.]
[Whirring.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
Narrator: Now back to Davenport, the Drama Llama.
The tempter or the tempted, who sins most? [Spits.]
Tis not she nor doth she tempt but it is I that lying by the virtue of the sun does as the carrion and not as the flower, corrupt with virtuous [Continuous spits.]
beauty.
[Cheers and applause.]
Thanks for inviting me, Penelope.
Oh, I'm sorry Peppa-Mint.
So what's Chef Club about? - Chef Club is about friendship! - Cool! All: And owning stuff! Like my new Sparkle Clean dishwasher.
[Laughing heartily.]
Hey, gals! Why don't you slide those dirty plates in me, like you're supposed to? I always let my husband do the dishes.
[Chuckles.]
[All gasp.]
She didn't mean it, Baby! Hey, do you guys want to take a walk or something, like, outside? You haven't even tried out my super rare Moonlight Dazzle Mop.
[Laughing heartily.]
Drag my face on the floor! Holy shit! Okay, does he feel pain? - Who cares? - Yea [Gargling.]
Yeah, I think I might take off.
Aw, come on, Sara.
Sit on my face some more.
Oh, my God! The chair talks, too? Mm-hmm.
Just like the locks on the doors, and the bars in the windows, so we never, ever, ever have to leave our stuff again! [All chanting.]
Stuff! Stuff! Hello? Jeff? I need you to come pick me up, right now.
I'm your husband now, Sara.
Euuaaaggghhh! Aah! Aah! [All chanting.]
Stuff! Stuff! [Screams.]
- Ready for our first patient, Doc? - Achoo! I'd say he has a cold, Mom.
You're right, Doc.
What do you recommend? Plenty of rest and some chicken soup.
And he'll be good as My baby! She got hit by a car! Pupils fixed and dilated.
Possible subdural hematoma.
[Gasps.]
We need to intubate.
Wind pipe is crushed.
Trach her! [Gasps.]
Her heart stopped! I'm going in! - Maybe she just needs a pick-me-up song! - Rib spreader! A doctor's office is a real nice place! [Grunting.]
A lollipop puts a smile on your face [Exhales sharply.]
Come on, breathe, damn it, breathe! [Retches.]
[Vomits, coughing.]
Phew! All in a day's work, right, kiddo? I want to be an accountant.
I can be anything I want! After all, we animals overcame our baser instincts and now we're thinking, caring, talking creatures.
Wahhhh! My insides are outside! [Whimpers.]
What kind of world is this?! Eughh, bugs! Gross! [Vipers whirring.]
[Chuckling.]
Whoops! Almost forgot my life preserver.
Oh, Jesus, I just need to see this.
Oswald, you know you're an octopus, right? - You literally cannot drown.
- Safety first! - Oh [bleep.]
me.
- [Grunts.]
Oohh! Huh.
Um Huh.
[Heavy metal music.]
Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs What, what Mutant teen pig-people hogs are Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Road Haaaaaawgs! Manpig, Pigman, Flank, and Steve They're pigs on wheels that honk and squeal - # Road Hawgs - Used to be human, no one fightin' # But their dad accidentally turned them into swines Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Swallow porcine DNA Road Hawgs, Road Hawgs Now they're mutated in a terrible way - # Road Hawgs # - Hawg-tacular! If we're ever gonna find an antidote, we'll need to stop Dr.
Bovine from - Hey, where's Flank? - Saw him out back earlier.
Steve, have you seen Flank? Uhh [Dramatic music.]
- No.
- Steve?! Guys, uh, look [Laughing.]
I just I love bacon soooo much! - It's so good! - Us too, buddy.
Us too.
- Then I guess Let's eat, man! - Trickin' awesome! Road Hawgs! Announcer: Brought to you by the makers of "Cheese League.
" Narrator: And now, Taking A Guess At Shows We Don't Watch.
Nacho cheese! Nacho cheese! In Seattle? [Splashing water.]
Cheese Seattle in? Oh, my God.
The time! [Gulping.]
Ahh! Shake it off! [Bleep.]
keys! Ruhh! [Glass shatters.]
[Tires screech.]
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.
- Smells like beer.
- Buddy, I just forgot.
[Sighs.]
You always forget.
Son Daddy's going through a tough time, but - I love you more than life - Look out! [Screams, tires screeching.]
Please, God! Someone help me! - My son needs a doctor! Please! - I can help! - You can? Are you a doctor?! - Yes, my friend.
My name is Dr.
Sunjayvandanacandanapecarpecar.
Huh?! Welcome to Westworld, where you can you live out your every fantasy.
This better be good, Ford.
I present to you our very first host, Dolores, generation one.
She's so lifelike! No, no, no.
Not "she.
" It.
We must never forget that the hosts are not real.
I mean, I'll try, but Wow.
[Clears throat.]
Dolores, take one.
Howdy, y'all! Can they, you know, uhhhh, have sex? Why don't you ask it? Hello, Dolores? You look lovely.
May we have sexual intercourse? [Take recorder rewinding.]
Yes to the thing you said! Whoo! Ow! All right! Don't wait up! [Door opens, slams shut.]
Imagine a whole world of these hosts.
[Grunting.]
Catering to your every [Moaning, air hissing.]
I broke it.
Also, the tape recorder gave me a gash on my forehead.
[Tape recorder rewinding.]
[Mumbling nonsensically.]
[Tape recorder rewinds.]
[Mumbling nonsensically.]
Huh.
That's a boner killer.
Wow, I can't believe I'm finally getting Lasik surgery! Wow, I can't believe they sold a laser to a rabbit! Hi, we're the American Pickers, cruising the country and learning about history while digging through other people's junk.
Mind if we come in and have a look around? [Mumbling.]
- Whoa, Frankie, do you see that? - Yeah, Mike.
I do.
1917 Goldstein Brothers cast-iron stove.
In the stove-picking game, this is the holy grail.
So what would you need for the stove? $500? [Chain saw buzzing.]
- Wow! - As usual, Frankie comes out the gate with a low-ball offer and nearly blows the whole pick.
What about these meat hooks? Would you take $100 apiece? [Mumbling agreeably.]
I'm a meat-hook guy.
Meat hooks are big sellers in our Nashville store.
I got Leatherface to come down on the stove, and even though it cost me an arm, it didn't cost me a leg.
That's what I call a good pick! Woman: What happens when four best friends write each other letters about how they really feel? [Music.]
The letters have been delivered.
"We're best friends, and I love you.
" Aw! "But I have to tell you that you're weak.
I mean, I've heard of damsels in distress, but you make Princess Peach look like Ronda Rousey"? What? Okay, who wrote this? Can't wait for that letter.
[Chuckles heartily.]
"For the love of God, get some [bleep.]
contacts.
" That's all they wrote? "I think you two have a serious addiction problem.
" Like, oh, boy, Scoob.
They're sayin' we gotta stop eatin' Scooby Snacks! They rrha'?! [Chuckles.]
What do you mean I don't have a letter? Man: Um, the show is only about four best friends.
[Chuckles nervously.]
You're kidding, right? I didn't make the cut? Did the dog make the cut? Woman: Each friend has one week to improve themselves.
I can't believe they called me a damsel in distress.
[Train whistle approaching.]
Wait a minute [Chuckling.]
This is not my yoga class.
- Give us the mic! - Give me my letter! Like, dude, we can do it, old pal.
Just one week.
With nuh with no With no [bleep.]
Scooby Snacks, man! Like, I'm freakin' out! [Bleep.]
No! Woman: It's been a week since the gang received their letters.
Let's see if they fixed their flaws.
Like, man, I will sell you a body part for one Scooby Snack! I'd rrhuck your rrhick! [Sobs.]
Guys I got Lasik! - Rra'?! - They're still healing.
[Door bursts open.]
[Grunts.]
Enough sittin' around, shit for brains! - Let's do this!! [Grunts.]
- Ow! Hmm if the owner died a decade ago, why start haunting now? Oh, I'm sorry.
Were you talking to me? - The fifth wheel? Because - Let's get this son of a bitch! - Hey! - Who's your mother?! - Ow! - Yeah! Get over here! [Glass shatters.]
[Grunting.]
Now let's see who the "ghost" really is.
[Grunting.]
[All gasping.]
[Vomits.]
Butler.
Called it.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.