Scrubs s09e02 Episode Script

One week teaching here and already I was falling back into old rhythms with my friend and mentor, Perry Cox.
Beautiful day, huh, Big Per? Dear God, Newbie, where'd you come from? - Don't tell me you're following me.
- Following you? We've been walking together and falling into old rhythms since the parking structure.
I told you about my new shampoo and how it's infused with honey Hold that thought.
Forever.
Hey, you.
Now did I or did I not handcraft you something to wear that symbolizes your importance to me? What is it? If he won't wear it, I will.
Is it a cloak? 'Cause I'd look dynamite in a cloak.
He is to always wear a sign that says "Number One.
" It signifies that he is the one med student - for which I have hope.
- Thanks.
It's a nightmare.
All the best, Number One.
You don't have to wear this.
I mean, look how silly it looks on me, you know? I hate wearing this so much.
He said, "You put that on you," and he was yelling.
I was like, "Okay, don't get mad.
" But I don't wanna wear it.
I don't.
- Guard that, Number One.
- No! - You're dangerous, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
Bet you listen to rap music.
There he is.
No one has sex with Lucy Bennett, takes naked pictures of her and gets away with it.
Cole, I'm not sure I like what you did.
Served.
I know I blew any chance of us being together again, and that kills me.
Man, I'm sorry, I just need to think about who I am for a second, you know? What's up, boo? What're you doing? Making sure these machines keep this vegetable alive.
Man, I wish his family would just let him die.
Cool, cool.
So, what are we going to do about this? - What the hell are you talking about? - I'm talking about this electricity.
This spark.
Zzzt.
- Go now.
- Okay.
Here's a little secret about Old King Cole.
The only way to get rid of him is to sleep with him until he gets bored with you.
Yeah, I'm gonna go get a wire brush and scrub my skin till I bleed.
All right, class, first order of business is simple.
We're gonna take out our - J.
D.
, what are you doing? - Just watching you teach.
You know, in this light, you look like Denzel Washington in The Great Debaters.
Come on, man, I'm working here! Now, listen, if you You know that's what I was going for, right? It's pretty obvious.
All right, class, you now have 30 seconds to list the adductor muscles of the hip.
Your group does not want to be last.
Ready, go.
The pressure here can make some students crack.
Amir, you can't just be grabbing kidneys like that! Bring it back! Others found ways to blow off steam.
Um What? What are you doing? No, stop.
Take it off.
I can't.
He'll know.
He's everywhere.
And the worst part Drew, I don't care.
I'm losing wood.
And Dr.
Cox made sure that the pressure never let up.
Centerfold, your previous answer was so wrong, it almost became right again.
Now, if you would, please help me choose the subject for my impending criticism.
Would you like me to nail you for, A, your being too attractive to ever be taken seriously as a doctor, B, your upsettingly small ears, or C, that your stupidity is probably contagious? - I guess my contagious stupidity.
- Great call.
Your ears.
Ah-ha-ha.
Welcome, welcome, Number One.
Certainly, with your human-sized ears, you can tell us what the three components of the mucosal layer of the stomach are.
Epithelium, lamina propria, muscularis mucosae.
That was perfect.
Okay, class, who hates Dr.
Cox's favorite student? - Me.
- I do.
Wow.
It's the first time you assassins have gotten one right all day.
There was one bright light for these kids, though, and that was me, Dr.
D.
Hey, bro, the sun is, like, super bright.
Can you come down? I, like, told you that the branches are a metaphor for the cardiovascular system.
So, no, I cannot come down.
Hence, tree-class dismissed.
Great class, Dr.
D.
Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
Thanks.
I call it teacher-tainment.
Would you be a doll and get a message to Dr.
Turk ASAP? Tell him I'm stuck in the tree again, but this time there appear to be many bees.
Hurry, Lucy, I've got honey hair! That tool Cole keeps texting me.
"I have a little Cole for your slaw.
" So romantic.
You should hit that.
At least Dr.
Cox doesn't make you send a picture of yourself every 10 minutes wearing a "Number One" sign.
- Wait a minute, what are we doing? - Talking.
No.
This feels like sharing.
And it's gross.
Drew, I need to be clear about what it is I'm looking for, you know, with us.
- Nothing.
- Same here.
- Sorry about the sharing.
- Oh, no, no, it was both of us.
Oh, now that's just outstanding.
- Dude.
Again? - Finally.
Where have you been? I came as soon as I heard.
I thought you said there were bees.
- Where are the bees? - They're quiet now, but I think they're plotting something big.
- Let's get him out of there.
- Hell, yeah.
Give me a chance to use old Megan Fox.
That's just a tranq gun.
It's an elephant dose, but don't worry, we cut it with some diet soda.
- Can't we just shake the tree again? - Go shake.
Come on, little white baby.
Jump into my arms.
You all right? It's like being held by a big piece of caramel.
You never want to end up in Dr.
Cox's eye line because if he sees you, he makes you do grunt work.
- You all right? - What the French? Sorry, I was just hiding from one of my teachers.
It's a little game we play.
- Really? - No.
- You can win at games.
- Got bad news for you, sweetheart.
You lost.
I need you to go ahead and take Mr.
Evans' chart here and make four copies.
Drop one off at my office, one at my car, one at the bar that I frequent, and then go bury one in the quad and draw me up a map, just in case I want to go on a treasure hunt later on.
Hmm, ten after.
Goodness Darn it all.
Now, if that ink runs, I'm gonna have to replace the whole sign.
Weird.
Broken ribs and a possible ruptured spleen? Was Mr.
Evans in an accident? Yes, he was in a train wreck called his life.
You see, Alan Evans is a hard-core drunk, an alkie, a sauce monkey, a hooch goblin, a man who unwinds at the end of every single day by treating himself to a delightful garbage bag full of vodka.
- So, what are we going to do? - We're going to get him out of here, and then, hopefully, he's gonna die someplace else.
Like in a yard or somebody's shed.
I love teaching.
I'm a teacher.
Mr.
Shershow here is in a massive coma.
And even though he can't register any outside stimulus, I still want someone to read him all seven Harry Potter books.
Any volunteers? Cole, thank you.
Sorry, no can do.
Got a dinner rezzie with my moms.
A "rezzie"? You also gonna get your drunk on and eat some 'za? No, I wish.
My mom is lactose intolly.
For real though, she is the best.
When we go out, she helps me pick up girls.
She's my wingmom.
Horrifying.
Look, I don't know what Orlando-based boy band rejected you, - but you'll do what I tell you.
- Yeah, I don't think so.
See, that's me and my 'rents at the hospital groundbreaking.
- Wow.
- They're in the major donors' club.
I got to cut the ribbon with some big ole sizzies.
Long story short, I'm untouchable around here.
To everyone except you.
- Yeah.
That just happened.
- Okay.
I know people like Alan.
I grew up with them.
My Uncle Frank is always drunk.
He fought the entire band at my cousin's wedding.
Okay, look.
Alan's an addict, so the first thing you need to do is make sure he's ready for help.
I can't talk to him about stuff that personal.
I get embarrassed too easily.
I've never seen myself nude.
I mean, I've been nude, but I never look down.
Weird for a doctor, but okay, fine.
Look, Lucy, you have to find a way to connect with him.
I like your perfume.
That's weird, because I've never worn perfume in my entire life.
Also, I've never seen myself naked.
You know, that was part of an earlier conversation.
- Are you okay? - I'm not great, Alan.
Med school is tough.
I don't sleep.
I haven't eaten anything all week except yogurt and wine.
- Well, maybe you should take a - Alan, I'm not done.
I can't believe what Cole gets away with.
I'd like to fill a tube sock full of batteries and just beat him a little.
You know, send a message.
- What? - Denise, you're scary.
I mean, sure, you seem cute at first, but then you eat after midnight or get some water on you and then, boom, you turn into this monster and I gotta throw you in the microwave and explode you.
- What the hell are you talking about? - I'm talking Gremlins, woman.
You know, you should get your boyfriend to watch that movie and then maybe he can understand you better.
What boyfriend? Denise, everybody knows Drew's hitting it.
- How? - You guys had sex near The Todd.
- What? What's going on? - Someone's doing it right now.
- In that supply closet.
- Really? Socks off, pants on? Still Damn it.
How come you don't let him take his pants off, though? Man.
That was a great cry.
I always feel fantastic after those.
Hello, world, Lucy's back.
Am I right? Well, you definitely gave me something to work with.
Wow.
I mean, my forehead's really big and I look Chinese, - but that's really good.
- Thank you.
I used to teach high-school art.
Oh, my God, he's opening up.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I was married, too.
Before everything fell apart.
I'll tell you what, though, I definitely don't want to live this way anymore.
Maybe you don't have to.
I thought you had dinner plans with your wingmom.
Yeah, she's at the bar sizing up the local talent for me.
No.
God, I like more booty than that.
She should know that by now.
- I know you feel me.
- Yeah, I do.
Is a wingmom what I think it is? Sing to me, Wingmom.
Sing me to my dreams.
- Hello, all.
- Hey.
"Hello, all.
" I hate that guy.
- But you love that guy.
- Thank you.
- What? - I'm not surprised.
You're both dark weirdoes.
It's like if Fonzie and Jo from The Facts of Life fell in love with each other.
- I'd watch the hell out of that show.
- Who wouldn't? I'm not looking for a relationship.
I like to be an island, okay? People can visit the island, but no one gets to stay.
Safer that way.
Do you realize how empty that sounds? What kind of life is that? You know, I'd watch a show about Fonzie and a Gremlin, too.
Fonzie couldn't take care of a Gremlin.
He's too busy being cool.
- Can we stop talking about this? - You know what you need? A water taxi to your island So he can get there And you can kiss him Up on your island All chillin' with turtles 'Cause you're so private And now falsetto Yes, falsetto Uh-oh, she's leaving Yo, let's keep going Now even higher Yes, even higher Look, Alan wants to change, so I found him a rehab facility.
I just need a doctor to sign off.
Are you in? And that was the beginning of a long line of "no's.
" I asked all the doctors in the hospital and they all shot me down.
Naive-five.
Someone please wake me from this nightmare.
Because in my fever dream, I see a med student getting involved with a patient who I expressly told her to ignore mere hours ago.
I cannot tell you how much I hate to reiterate something, especially when I have already iterated it.
You're going to have to excuse me now, because I must gather my fury.
It's scary to put yourself out there.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I am having a crapfest of a day today.
You want to hang out later? You know, maybe grab a beer? - Grab a beer? - Yeah.
- Is that some kind of euphemism? - Nope, it just means grab a beer.
- Maybe talk a little.
- Oh! Um I'm sorry, Denise, I'm just not looking for that.
- See you later.
- Mmm-hmm.
Dr.
Cox, while you're fury-gathering, let me just say that if Alan goes to rehab He will do nothing except figure out how to steal enough paper-cup shooters of mouthwash to get one last desperate buzz on.
His job is to leave here and die.
Your job is to listen to every word I say at all times, and here's the hard part, actually do those things.
So in the future when I tell you to do nothing, I mean nothing.
And in case that is still not clear Nothing.
I thought being a doctor was about helping people.
It is, Lucy.
Well, that and showing up my third-grade teacher who said I'd never amount to anything.
Eat it, Mrs.
Nickerson.
And rest in peace.
All right, I didn't want to play hardball, but if you don't try to change Dr.
Cox's mind about Alan, I will never call you Dr.
D ever again.
- Even in the quad? - Especially in the quad.
I'll go talk to Dr.
Cox right now.
Dr.
Cox said he'll sign the paper if you can raise the money to send Alan to a rehab center.
- Dr.
D, you rock.
- And sometimes I roll.
You two clowns convinced me to put myself out there and Drew shot me down.
Why'd you have to go mess up my little island? Why'd you push me towards Drew? - He just seems like a nice guy.
- Based on what? - Want the rest of my nachos? - Oh, hell, yeah! You like him 'cause he shared old bar food? Turk and I met over a blooming onion.
I like to think of it as a metaphor for our relationship, because it's delicious, but not really so healthy.
I will hurt you, little man.
She's like a Gremlin.
You all right, little lady? I'm just trying to raise money for a patient, but it's not going so great.
You know, back in the day, when I did security for Bell Biv DeVoe - Hey, boss.
- Shut up.
Copy that.
Anyway, they did their charity car wash a little differently.
Come on, Lucy.
I won the McAllister Prize in biology.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all real smart.
Now it's time to get wet.
- Wow.
Where do I get in line? - Where's your car? What car? Full-body-wax-five.
Buff away, ladies.
You know, I don't mean to sound too forward, but there's someone at the hospital - who's really digging you.
- Are you hitting on me? Because I already went through my bald, black dude phase.
Seriously, I did.
I'm talking about you and Denise.
Why are you talking about me and Denise? Because of the other night when we shared the nachos.
Dude, we're nach-bros.
Come on.
And that's a special bond, one which I cherish.
I just think you should go for yours.
Go for yours You don't know me.
I spent the last year in the Alaskan wilderness living in a yurt.
The only human contact I had was an Eskimo boy who sold me salmon jerky and painkillers.
And do you know why? Because when I flunked out of med school before, I consequently torched every relationship that meant anything to me.
I'm not taking that chance again.
What's a yurt? You know, son, I was married to my Enid for 44 years.
And now she's gone.
And the only reason I teach is so I don't have to be alone in my house.
You can't wall yourself off from other people.
- You won't make it.
- That's some truth being dropped there.
Great.
So how about you two clear out? Cindy here's three martinis in, and I'm about to land that marlin.
- Uh - Oh! Damn, she was good to go.
Remember, Alan, you can do it.
Can't thank you enough.
I knew I'd just changed Alan's life, but I wasn't gonna make a big deal out of it.
Lifetime presents Antonio Sabato Jr.
As Alan the drunk.
- A man this broken - I'm just really broken.
needs a woman this strong - You can do this, Alan.
with a mentor who cares so much.
- God, I care so much.
I guess this is goodbye.
No, we can't.
- I know you're a doctor.
- I'm a med student, damn it.
- Lucy - Shh.
Antonio Sabato Jr.
, my safely ethnic dreamboat.
Over the next few days, I stayed proud of myself for helping Alan.
And I wasn't naive, I knew he had a long road ahead, but maybe, just maybe Having someone believe in him was all he needed.
Have I got something to show you.
Honestly, I can't think of anything that could make this moment more delicious.
- Alan? - Who are you? More delicious.
I love when movies end the way you hope they will.
- You saw this coming? - Everyone saw this coming.
- Not Dr.
D.
- Really? Would you like to know the deal your precious Dr.
D made with me in my office? If I agree to do this, you have to promise that I'll get to be there to witness the devastation wash over her hopeful face.
- I'll do what I can.
- Then I'm in.
He even bet me a triple C-note that Alan here wouldn't make it a week.
- I don't believe you.
- Hey, Big Per, I want my winnings in all fives.
Or my own "Number One" sign.
Your call.
- Hey.
- How could you do that to me? I know you can't see it right now, but this is good for you.
Yeah, as good as my mom's fish biscuits.
- They're bad.
- Ah.
Look, Lucy, at some point, every doctor needs to learn about lost causes like Alan.
I just thought I'd come along for the ride with you.
- Why? - Because when it happened to me, there was no one around to talk to me about it after.
If you're gonna survive as a doctor, you have to stop trying to change things you can't change.
So, I'm supposed to never try and help anybody like Alan? No, because if you're gonna survive as a person, you can never stop trying to change things you can't change.
- My head hurts.
- Get used to it.
I just wanted Alan to end up okay.
You're doing good.
I think what Dr.
Dorian was saying, although it's never that clear with him, is that you have to keep putting yourself out there and just hope that you get something back.
Hey, Stick.
- What's your last name? - Mahoney.
I like that.
So, you still want to grab that beer and talk? Not really.
- But I will.
- Great.
I got you something.
- Is that Cole's mom? - Yeah.
I introduced them.
- You're gonna hit that, aren't you? - Like a big rig with no brakes.
- Wow, that was disgusting.
- Yeah.
- Let's get out of here, huh? - Yeah, I could use a drink.
- I don't really drink anymore.
- That's cool, you can drive.
- Don't really drive, either.
- You're weird.
I like that.
Here's to a giant mistake.
Oh, snap, we called it He's on her island Where they make babies Under the palm trees Yo, let's go lower I can't go lower Let's just be robots - Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep - Guys, come on.
Don't interrupt us Here comes her boyfriend He don't look happy It's okay, guys, I like your singing We'll be a trio And tour the country