Space Ghost Coast to Coast (1993) s09e02 Episode Script
Live at the Fillmore
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhhh
Ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
Ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
-Can y'all come down to jail and
-- and get me out of jail?
'Cause guess where I am.
Jail.
Hey, guess what.
Last night, I was having dinner and
discovered I didn't have any money.
-So I told my dining companion
-- the waiter, right?
Yes, the waiter.
So I told him that we were going to have to sneak out.
And get this -- you know what the guy says to me?
"I'm your waiter."
So, anyway, after the police had arrived, I ordered more food.
I mean, I thought I'd pay him for the food I ate with the food
I just ordered.
What's wrong with that?
So I decided to pay the bill --
I decided --decided --
To pay --to pay --
the bail bond The bail bond
With this week's show budget.
With this week's show budget.
You know, we've had this conversation at least four times.
Moltar, reach down my pants and get
the show budget to pay the bail.
No!
You know you want to.
I know.
Uhp.
Oh. Uh Uh This is it, right?
What were you doing with $1,000?
Whoa!
It was in your pants!
Um Well, what would you have me to do, zorak?
Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?
I didn't say anything.
Oh, but you're Thinking it.
I'm not It.
-I'll tell you what I am thinking
-- I think you took that $1,000 and --
and put it in my underwear, yes,
then went out to dinner, yes, and then
you came to jail, yes.
So, here we are bailing you out of
jail for something questionable again.
Yes.
So we're spending the show budget to get you out of jail?
Yes.
Uh, no, because -- again.
No, no, no, molten man.
-Look, here's what we're doing
-- we don't need a budget.
We'reDoing a remote.
Okay.
Um, I'll go get -- should I go get the camera?
No.
What? We're gonna do the show without cameras?
Zorak, maybe you'd maybe get out of
this jail 15 minutes before the show
starts with no ideas, but maybe one
idea that's brilliant, like no cameras
on this remote.
Oh-ho!
I'll tell you what sucks -- your ideas.
Well, why don't you just ask the box office?
And I say, "ask them what?"
And I reply "For ideas, ashhole!
They have them."
What are you talking about?
Here's an idea -- We'll use the old Susan powter interview!
Where do you get this stuff?
That's awesome. You're a genius.
And will be promoted by the end of this show.
Ehh. We've had this conversation at least five times.
You know what?
You're fired.
Send in the next candidate.
Hey.
Ohh!
I didn't see you there.
Oh, screw it.
You're hired and promoted.
All right!
I can tell you what i'm doing.
Smell that?
There's someone who's using their ass.
Way to fart with your ass, zorak.
Yeah, thanks.
So, who's hungry?
I'll meet you back at the set, because I have a scheme.
Ehh, why don't we just stay here?
We're gonna end up here anyway.
Really?
You're on the ball.
All right, uh, these are all the
things that we will all say here now.
Mm-kay. Good.
And, um, on a personal note,
I just wanted to thank you in advance
for rehiring and promoting me.
Good.
You are now king.
Good work.
Now let's get back to the set, because I have another idea.
Because my brain is coming up with ideas. Period.
Roll the Susan powter interview.
Well, I may as well Hello, Susan.
Sitting here with you, Space Ghost.
I'm really a transsexual, actually.
I'm not a woman at all.
Wait, pause tape.
This isn't working.
Moltar, roll an old show.
I'm going to interview it.
All right.
Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget
to pay the bail.
Hello, show.
You know you want to.
I know.
Uhp.
Just use any answer, Moltar.
Uh, this is it, right?
What were you doing with $1,000?
You see what they're doing in that show?
Whoa!
It was in your pants!
We could do that.
Well, what would you have me to do, zorak?
Reach down my pants in public except for you, zorak.
You're messing it up.
In front of the female police?
Nobody cares for you.
WellI've got an idea.
There's not enough of me punching you in the crotch.
Hmm.
Both of you?
Has that been done before?
I don't know.
Probably.
But it'll be fun.
Good idea, Moltar.
But you're going to have to catch me first.
Here, scoot over.
There we go.
UmYou -- you can feel this, right?
This is good.
This is working, even though my idea to run away did not occur.
Doo-do-doo-doo
You know what?
I think we have done this.
Plus, my arm's getting tired.
I could do this all day.
But there's no plot.
No, this is the plot.
I got to take a break.
Oh. Fine. Sure.
Throw the story away.
Well, why don't you just buy a crotch-punching robot?
Shut up.
I'm getting an idea.
Since people love robots and robots love crotches,
I need you to go on the Internet with your money and order up
a punch-crotching robot.
Now the story has legs.
Yeah, only I don't have any money -- or the Internet.
Impossible! Refresh all dialogue with Internet possibilities.
Sign on with my screen name.
Okay.
What's your screen name?
Refresher.
Password -- dianarossfan.
Oh-ho! You like her?
Who doesn't?
Shut up!
Now I don't like her.
Now, if you'll all go back to your chairs,
look under your chairs,
and you'll find bombs that you can explode by.
Thank you. The end.
UmNo.
Okay.
Here's another idea -- I'll dress up
like mark twain and do my one-man show
with zorak and Moltar.
"Racism is bad" -- a one-man show.
I begin.
St. Louis, 1872.
A riverboat makes its way down the river towards Towards
You know -- it was on pbs.
Ireland. Was it Ireland?
Dancing -- t-the dancing guys.
You know!
Which one?
The "riverdance" guy?
No.
The -- the -- ohh.
Um Michael Jordan.
No.
But somebody Jordan.
Michael Jordan?
Mnh-mnh. No.
But somebody Jordan.
Get out a phone book and read every name.
I'll know it when I hear it.
What? Are you asking me seriously?
What are we doing, again?
Okay, I like how it starts,
but I need an ending for "racism is bad."
Because some races are bad.
But let's not get lost in the ending, because I think it works.
How about you Off?
W-wait. H-hold on.
Read that back to me.
I like where that's going.
What, the Off part?
No, no, no. That's working.
Read that back to me.
Um "Read that back to me."
No, no.
Read that back to me.
"Read that back to me."
No. You're doing it all wrong.
Now, read that back to me.
Read that backToMe.
Wrong.
Start from the jail!
Why are you doing this to me?
No, no, no.
Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you doing this to me?
Brilliant! See, if we work on it, it works.
Well, I thought the crotch-punching thing was working.
Really?
Uh, well, let's start that again.
Oh, hell yeah.
You know, I like it, but I-I don't know.
Just something's missing from it.
The only thing missing is you sawing your head off with a knife.
Okay, stop.
Now we're getting jokey.
Enough with the jokes, okay?
We're not trying to make jokes.
We're trying to tell a story here.
A story About an omelet.
How about I just cook an omelet?
That's good writing, but is it a good ending?
Sure it is.
But will the audience believe it?
UhhNo.
Hmm.
Then we'll have to make them believe it -- with our savory
hobbit omelet.
Now, this is an ending.
Shut up, Moltar.
Now, that's the ending.
Is that the ending for the mark twain show or for our show?
It doesn't matter.
Space Ghost made an omelet.
Well, I'm not really hungry.
Me neither.
Hmm. Well, someone needs to eat this.
Call Dr. science and have him rewire the crotch-punching robot
into an omelet-eating robot.
Okay.
He says he can't do it.
Then ask him if he wants the omelet.
Are you talking to Dr. science right now?
Yyyyes.
'Cause it looks like you're just standing there.
No, I just called him.
And he said the robot can only punch omelets.
Brilliant!
Bull He can make that robot do anything he wants.
Get him on the phone!
OrMaybe you should get him on the phone
since you have this amazing
technology to call him.
What's this?
Why, it looks like a robot!
Hit it with a stick, daddy!
Can this whole show be deleted?
What do you think?
Hey, what the hell's going on?
What are these words doing here?
These are the credits.
If I wanted to read a book, I'd go to the carnival.
What's this word?
"It."
So that's how "it"'s spelled.
Huh.
Son of a gun.
Do this one.
"Is."
It looks just like the other word.
Yeah, it Starts off the same way.
Damn!
Read that one.
It's, uh "DanGer Ous" -- no, no, no.
We'll pass that one.
Read this one instead.
"To."
Ow!
Oh, God!
Ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
Ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
ah-ah-ohhhhhhh
-Can y'all come down to jail and
-- and get me out of jail?
'Cause guess where I am.
Jail.
Hey, guess what.
Last night, I was having dinner and
discovered I didn't have any money.
-So I told my dining companion
-- the waiter, right?
Yes, the waiter.
So I told him that we were going to have to sneak out.
And get this -- you know what the guy says to me?
"I'm your waiter."
So, anyway, after the police had arrived, I ordered more food.
I mean, I thought I'd pay him for the food I ate with the food
I just ordered.
What's wrong with that?
So I decided to pay the bill --
I decided --decided --
To pay --to pay --
the bail bond The bail bond
With this week's show budget.
With this week's show budget.
You know, we've had this conversation at least four times.
Moltar, reach down my pants and get
the show budget to pay the bail.
No!
You know you want to.
I know.
Uhp.
Oh. Uh Uh This is it, right?
What were you doing with $1,000?
Whoa!
It was in your pants!
Um Well, what would you have me to do, zorak?
Reach down my pants in public in front of the female police?
I didn't say anything.
Oh, but you're Thinking it.
I'm not It.
-I'll tell you what I am thinking
-- I think you took that $1,000 and --
and put it in my underwear, yes,
then went out to dinner, yes, and then
you came to jail, yes.
So, here we are bailing you out of
jail for something questionable again.
Yes.
So we're spending the show budget to get you out of jail?
Yes.
Uh, no, because -- again.
No, no, no, molten man.
-Look, here's what we're doing
-- we don't need a budget.
We'reDoing a remote.
Okay.
Um, I'll go get -- should I go get the camera?
No.
What? We're gonna do the show without cameras?
Zorak, maybe you'd maybe get out of
this jail 15 minutes before the show
starts with no ideas, but maybe one
idea that's brilliant, like no cameras
on this remote.
Oh-ho!
I'll tell you what sucks -- your ideas.
Well, why don't you just ask the box office?
And I say, "ask them what?"
And I reply "For ideas, ashhole!
They have them."
What are you talking about?
Here's an idea -- We'll use the old Susan powter interview!
Where do you get this stuff?
That's awesome. You're a genius.
And will be promoted by the end of this show.
Ehh. We've had this conversation at least five times.
You know what?
You're fired.
Send in the next candidate.
Hey.
Ohh!
I didn't see you there.
Oh, screw it.
You're hired and promoted.
All right!
I can tell you what i'm doing.
Smell that?
There's someone who's using their ass.
Way to fart with your ass, zorak.
Yeah, thanks.
So, who's hungry?
I'll meet you back at the set, because I have a scheme.
Ehh, why don't we just stay here?
We're gonna end up here anyway.
Really?
You're on the ball.
All right, uh, these are all the
things that we will all say here now.
Mm-kay. Good.
And, um, on a personal note,
I just wanted to thank you in advance
for rehiring and promoting me.
Good.
You are now king.
Good work.
Now let's get back to the set, because I have another idea.
Because my brain is coming up with ideas. Period.
Roll the Susan powter interview.
Well, I may as well Hello, Susan.
Sitting here with you, Space Ghost.
I'm really a transsexual, actually.
I'm not a woman at all.
Wait, pause tape.
This isn't working.
Moltar, roll an old show.
I'm going to interview it.
All right.
Moltar, reach down my pants and get the show budget
to pay the bail.
Hello, show.
You know you want to.
I know.
Uhp.
Just use any answer, Moltar.
Uh, this is it, right?
What were you doing with $1,000?
You see what they're doing in that show?
Whoa!
It was in your pants!
We could do that.
Well, what would you have me to do, zorak?
Reach down my pants in public except for you, zorak.
You're messing it up.
In front of the female police?
Nobody cares for you.
WellI've got an idea.
There's not enough of me punching you in the crotch.
Hmm.
Both of you?
Has that been done before?
I don't know.
Probably.
But it'll be fun.
Good idea, Moltar.
But you're going to have to catch me first.
Here, scoot over.
There we go.
UmYou -- you can feel this, right?
This is good.
This is working, even though my idea to run away did not occur.
Doo-do-doo-doo
You know what?
I think we have done this.
Plus, my arm's getting tired.
I could do this all day.
But there's no plot.
No, this is the plot.
I got to take a break.
Oh. Fine. Sure.
Throw the story away.
Well, why don't you just buy a crotch-punching robot?
Shut up.
I'm getting an idea.
Since people love robots and robots love crotches,
I need you to go on the Internet with your money and order up
a punch-crotching robot.
Now the story has legs.
Yeah, only I don't have any money -- or the Internet.
Impossible! Refresh all dialogue with Internet possibilities.
Sign on with my screen name.
Okay.
What's your screen name?
Refresher.
Password -- dianarossfan.
Oh-ho! You like her?
Who doesn't?
Shut up!
Now I don't like her.
Now, if you'll all go back to your chairs,
look under your chairs,
and you'll find bombs that you can explode by.
Thank you. The end.
UmNo.
Okay.
Here's another idea -- I'll dress up
like mark twain and do my one-man show
with zorak and Moltar.
"Racism is bad" -- a one-man show.
I begin.
St. Louis, 1872.
A riverboat makes its way down the river towards Towards
You know -- it was on pbs.
Ireland. Was it Ireland?
Dancing -- t-the dancing guys.
You know!
Which one?
The "riverdance" guy?
No.
The -- the -- ohh.
Um Michael Jordan.
No.
But somebody Jordan.
Michael Jordan?
Mnh-mnh. No.
But somebody Jordan.
Get out a phone book and read every name.
I'll know it when I hear it.
What? Are you asking me seriously?
What are we doing, again?
Okay, I like how it starts,
but I need an ending for "racism is bad."
Because some races are bad.
But let's not get lost in the ending, because I think it works.
How about you Off?
W-wait. H-hold on.
Read that back to me.
I like where that's going.
What, the Off part?
No, no, no. That's working.
Read that back to me.
Um "Read that back to me."
No, no.
Read that back to me.
"Read that back to me."
No. You're doing it all wrong.
Now, read that back to me.
Read that backToMe.
Wrong.
Start from the jail!
Why are you doing this to me?
No, no, no.
Why are you doing this to me?
Why are you doing this to me?
Brilliant! See, if we work on it, it works.
Well, I thought the crotch-punching thing was working.
Really?
Uh, well, let's start that again.
Oh, hell yeah.
You know, I like it, but I-I don't know.
Just something's missing from it.
The only thing missing is you sawing your head off with a knife.
Okay, stop.
Now we're getting jokey.
Enough with the jokes, okay?
We're not trying to make jokes.
We're trying to tell a story here.
A story About an omelet.
How about I just cook an omelet?
That's good writing, but is it a good ending?
Sure it is.
But will the audience believe it?
UhhNo.
Hmm.
Then we'll have to make them believe it -- with our savory
hobbit omelet.
Now, this is an ending.
Shut up, Moltar.
Now, that's the ending.
Is that the ending for the mark twain show or for our show?
It doesn't matter.
Space Ghost made an omelet.
Well, I'm not really hungry.
Me neither.
Hmm. Well, someone needs to eat this.
Call Dr. science and have him rewire the crotch-punching robot
into an omelet-eating robot.
Okay.
He says he can't do it.
Then ask him if he wants the omelet.
Are you talking to Dr. science right now?
Yyyyes.
'Cause it looks like you're just standing there.
No, I just called him.
And he said the robot can only punch omelets.
Brilliant!
Bull He can make that robot do anything he wants.
Get him on the phone!
OrMaybe you should get him on the phone
since you have this amazing
technology to call him.
What's this?
Why, it looks like a robot!
Hit it with a stick, daddy!
Can this whole show be deleted?
What do you think?
Hey, what the hell's going on?
What are these words doing here?
These are the credits.
If I wanted to read a book, I'd go to the carnival.
What's this word?
"It."
So that's how "it"'s spelled.
Huh.
Son of a gun.
Do this one.
"Is."
It looks just like the other word.
Yeah, it Starts off the same way.
Damn!
Read that one.
It's, uh "DanGer Ous" -- no, no, no.
We'll pass that one.
Read this one instead.
"To."
Ow!
Oh, God!