8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e03 Episode Script
Jessica Hynes, Rhod Gilbert, Sam Simmons
1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown - Jon Richardson, David Walliams, Rhod Gilbert, Jessica Hynes, Sam Simmons, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
- Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
- APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the atlas is named after the Greek God who held up the pillars of the universe? Of course, Atlas was eventually defeated by his rival, Google Maps.
The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests things that come in threes are more satisfying.
I've told my girlfriend, but she still says no.
And the word "bollocks" appears in a 14th century translation of the Bible.
I assume Joseph says it when Mary tells him she's pregnant by a ghost.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon is a writer, comedian, football fanatic, but perhaps the most surprising thing about Jon is that his wife still hasn't smothered him to death in his sleep.
Separate beds.
And Jon's team-mate, Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE Bring it on, bring it on.
Rhod is hugely popular in Wales, so all the Welsh will be watching tonight.
It doesn't matter what they're doing - putting a dress on some livestock, counting up to 12 on their fingers, covering each other with phlegm during a normal conversation, or having sex with a close relative, they'll take time out to cheer Rhod on.
APPLAUSE Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, David Walliams.
- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
David says the most disgusting thing he's ever put in his mouth is jellyfish.
I think I speak for us all when I say, "I find that very hard to believe.
" And joining David tonight is Jessica Hynes.
APPLAUSE Jessica's main hobby is crocheting.
I love crocheting.
It's great for people who want to make something horrible out of yarn, but aren't cut out for the high octane, adrenaline- fuelled world of knitting.
David, you're up against Jon this evening.
You defeated him last time.
Are you feeling confident? Very confident, because I'm very good at Countdown.
Very, very good at it, and I've got a very clever person with me.
As I don't know if you remember, but last time I was here, I didn't do very well.
Have you been practising at home? Yeah, a lot, practising a lot.
She's written out her 75 times table.
Don't tell them! - OK, don't tell - APPLAUSE Don't give them those.
That's what he's going to do now.
OK, Jessica, you've won a BAFTA, a British Comedy Award, you've been nominated for a Tony and an Olivier award, so appearing on Countdown, it's right up there, isn't it? It is.
I mean, it is.
- What did you get a Tony for? - I didn't get a Tony.
WE won a Tony, but I personally lost one.
What do you mean, "we"? - Well, as the company, the show - What was the show? It was The Norman Conquests.
Oh, that was boring.
We've known each other We've actually known each other for - Is it about 25 years? - Yes, it is, actually, yes.
How did you two meet? We were in the National Youth Theatre together.
- We went on one date.
- To the pictures.
- What did you go and see? - I can't remember.
I cant remember anything about it, actually, to be honest.
But it was very much one date.
- And we were very young.
- She didn't like me.
He bought me Smarties.
Ordered some Smarties.
He still does that for his dates now.
- I remember the Smarties.
- It was one date, yeah.
She used to call me - cos I had long hair - - she used to call me the Eskimo Princess.
- I did.
Because my hair used to come down in waves.
It was actually very pretty, wasn't it? You're exactly the same, except much, much richer.
Yes.
Isn't it wonderful? OK, now, Jon.
How you feel about working with Rhod this evening? I'm very excited.
I've known Rhod now for two weeks.
We went on a date.
I bought him a Mars bar, and we went dogging.
That's where we went wrong.
Rhod, you're one of our highest ever scorers on the show.
- Am I? - Is there any competition this evening? Do you think you're going to walk this? No, I'll walk it.
Absolutely walk it.
I'm not worried at all.
I'm shit with numbers.
My PIN is 1111, always.
That's the only one I can remember, but words, I have a gift.
A gift, where I see words, any jumbled up word, floating around, I can immediately Like, above your head, I'm seeing C, K, I, D.
Straight away, my brain makes sense of them.
Straight away, my brain makes sense of it, and got a word there already.
It'll take them a while, but we're all there.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? Well, what happens with this show, Jimmy, is I arrive all excited, - I put my best cardigan on.
- I like it.
You've gone with a grey cardigan, in case anyone got overexcited.
It's not the place for excitement, Countdown.
Or is it? So I arrive all excited, and then you bully me, and you make all your jokes, and I get all depressed, so I've been looking at how to make my spirits higher, and who are the most enthusiastic people on the planet? Cheerleaders.
I wanted, to reflect Countdown, a more mature cheerleader.
So I got together a crack team of pensioner cheerleaders.
We got to the human pyramid.
Marjorie, on top, was unsure what a pyramid was.
I said, "like the teabag".
She got very excited.
There was an accident, three broken hips, evening in A&E, so I've cobbled together a modern equivalent, so to raise my spirits with some chants, please welcome Rico's Old Dearleaders.
APPLAUSE Ready? OK! Hey, all you big Jon fans, let me see you clap your hands! APPLAUSE Just a grey cardigan to stop people getting excited, as it is, Jimmy? - I don't think so, mate.
- APPLAUSE Wow.
So, perhaps, one more chant, if you please, ladies.
Give me a J, give me an O, give me an N.
What have you got? - SUBDUED: Jon.
- APPLAUSE Rhod, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I've messed up a bit, though, because I brought a mascot that I thought would wind Jon up, and throw him, and psych him out, and completely mess with his head, and put him off for the whole game.
- Right.
- Yeah, and then it backfired because I got put on his team.
- Well, we have to see the mascot.
- Well, no, we don't.
It's part of the show.
I know it's part of the show, but fuck it.
Come on, let's have a look at it.
Well, but it's going to mess him up, and he's on my team.
Oh, he'll be all right.
He'll be fine with it.
I brought the one thing I know would mess with his head really bad.
It's just a really untidy, disordered cutlery drawer.
- Well, we need - You've given me something to do there.
He's going to do it! I'm already so excited at the Just what this is going to look like, by the end.
OK, David, have you got a mascot? I have, yes, Jimmy, because I've seen this show before.
- Right.
- And it goes on a bit.
And I thought, in case it goes on too long, I would just bring along a television, so I can watch my own shows, during the filming, so let's watch a little bit of The One Show.
Carry on.
Can you turn the volume up, David, cos? Where's that TV from? It's from It's from a skip outside my dressing room.
I loved tellies, when they were like this.
- Very nice.
- Portable.
Not that portable.
Jessica, have you got a mascot? I've got a very, very special mascot, that used to belong - to my Great Uncle Harold, who lived in Wales, and - Not you as well! My Great Uncle Harold was Welsh, and this is from his farmhouse, and he used to call him Mr Apples, and Why did he call him Mr Apples when he's carrying eggs? Because he's holding a little basket of apples.
I thought they were eggs, sorry.
Oh, actually, maybe they're eggs.
And then my uncle died, and I got to keep him, and - Do you want to see him? - Yes, it's really, really nice.
- I kind of - Oh, sorry.
JIMMY LAUGHS Sorry.
What came off? The actual apples came off.
- What was he called again? - He's called Mr Mr One Hand, now.
But now you've got two beautiful sculptures.
I'm sure it's fixable, anyway, so if you can just give him Just give him back.
Thanks.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
I'm sure he'll go back together.
This feels a bit like your first date.
Right, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, he's the answer to the question, "What would it look like if my thumb was hairy?" - Are you serious? - You look a little bit like a hairy thumb.
- I don't mean that in a negative way.
- Not with a hat on, mate.
I look fantastic with a hat Off, it's a different story.
That's fair enough.
Jon's drawn a picture of you on his thumb.
- That's pretty good.
- JIMMY LAUGHS I'm 38 years old, I'm getting fatter and balder, I can't help what my face looks like.
Sorry, you can't help what your face looks like? That moustache is a permanent fixture, is it? I can't grow stuff up here! I might as well have something to comb.
Do you get money from Guess Who? - No! - APPLAUSE OK, and with Sam, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie's written 13 books.
They say everyone's got one good book inside them, so fingers crossed for the next one, Susie.
Susie, what have you been looking into recently? It's called the dictionary of the vulgar tongue, and loads of words in there that actually sound really rude, but they're not, so "tosspot," if you call someone a tosser, not necessarily what you might think.
It's somebody who tossed back a pot of beer.
And "kumbang" is another one in there.
- "Kumbang"? - "Kumbang" is a hot arid wind.
That's not like an invitation? Like, "come bang"? No, it's spelt differently, anyway.
And, in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE With her qualifications in physics and quantum mechanics, Rachel is Britain's second favourite lady-faced scientist, after Professor Brian Cox.
Rachel, if you had to have one of the players this evening - as a housemate, who would you go for? - Erm Well, Susie borrows my clothes.
She's borrowed my bras before, so I'll borrow your clothes! Yeah, I wouldn't trust you around my shoes.
I think you might stretch them.
- Oh, charming(!) - I wouldn't trust you around my stuff, for other reasons.
- What?! - What stuff wouldn't you trust me round? - No, not you, Jimmy.
- Oh, why you looking at me, then? - I was looking at Jimmy! - Are you? - Yeah.
- Are you really looking at Jimmy? - Yeah.
Your head's on the wrong way round.
I've heard that before.
OK, that prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown hammock.
APPLAUSE - Is he serious? - Jessica's perked up there, that's I mean, I'm in it to win it, but now, I want that hammock.
It's a shame you're not better at Countdown.
It is a shame.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game, and David and Jessica, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK.
Vowel.
- Thank you, Jessica.
E Another vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
R Vowel, please.
I Consonant.
S Consonant.
N Consonant.
Vowel, please.
A - Consonant.
Thank you.
- And the last one.
N And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
A handsome prince! Brian Belo, everyone! APPLAUSE Dreams DO come true! And, if you're going to have sex with a frog, do use a condom.
If you want the frog to enjoy it, then rib it.
APPLAUSE - David, how many letters? - Five.
- Jessica? - Five.
I thought you said you wanted the hammock.
If you don't want the hammock, just tell me.
I'm doing my best, that's all I can do, Jim.
- Jon? - Seven.
- Rhod? - Seven.
OK, well, let's hear the fives first.
David, what's your five? STROAN.
S-T-R-O-A-N.
STROAN.
And could you define STROAN for us? It's a strain that's really bad.
OK, you declared five letters.
That is six letters.
Look, we haven't got to the numbers yet, OK? When we come to the numbers, we'll deal with that.
Susie Dent, off of the dictionary, is it a word? - It's not.
It's not in there, I'm afraid.
- This is news to me! - Yeah.
I've been using that every day.
Jessica.
JESSICA GASPS - Do you remember you said you had a five? - Yeah, I've got - I've actually now got a six.
- No, you declared the five, - so you've got to go with the five.
- No, no, no.
- But, technically, it's - She, like me, can't count - any more than five.
- Also, Jimmy, we've both got sevens, so I'm more than happy for their six to stand.
- Fine, go with the six, then.
- TRAINS.
- OK, Rhod, what is your seven? I had trainers, then realised there's only one R, so TANNERS.
TANNERS.
JESSICA: TANNERS.
Oh, very good, very good.
- Jon, your seven? - RATIONS.
- Ooh, that's so clever! - Oh! Seven points to Jon and Rhod.
APPLAUSE Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah, there is a nine there, ANOINTERS.
- - I had that! - I thought of that, and then - The first thing I wrote down, and then I thought, "No, STROAN".
So, at the end of that, Jon and Rhod are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
- Jon and Rhod, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Two from the top.
- There we are.
- Four from anywhere else.
- - Two from the top, and four little 'uns.
- Perfect.
- You've got 10, 5 - I'm rubbish at this.
- .
.
4, 8, - and the big ones, 25 and 75.
- Oh, those are some good numbers.
And the target - 623.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 623.
Jon, did you get it? Yes.
But rather than just break it to you like that, Jimmy, why don't I get back my Old Dearleaders? - Have at it.
- Welcome back, Rico's Old Dearleaders! APPLAUSE Two, four, six, eight, Jon has got the number APPLAUSE - Rhod, did you get it? - I got 624.
- So I'll defer to my team captain.
- OK.
David, did you get it? - Got close.
- How close did you get? 12,008.
- 12,008? - 10 x 75, 750, x 4, 3,000, x 4, 12,000, + 8 = 12,008.
- Oh, yeah.
- You used the four twice.
- You used the four twice.
You can't use the numbers twice.
So, even with that answer, you got it wrong.
It's all right, Jessica probably got it.
Jessica, did you get it? I got 629.
- Which is quite good, I think.
- Pretty good, yeah.
In the time allowed, which was brief.
- OK, Jon, how did you do it? - 8 x 75.
- 600.
- +25.
- 625.
- And then 10 / 5 is 2.
- Yep.
- RHOD: That's good.
- OK, so ten points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go now across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sam, what have you got for us? All right, I've got some really big mind-expanding Big Thoughts, so It's so big, I think I'm going to go out there to do it, OK? Excellent.
Sam Simmons, everyone.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons.
All right, guys.
This is Big Thoughts, let's go.
- Big Thoughts.
- What if none of this was real? - FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS - Big Thoughts.
What if I was just making this all up right now? Big Thoughts.
I'm a big believer in karma.
A big believer in karma.
That's why, when I saw a little girl getting hit over the head with a shovel, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I don't know what she did, but it must have been really, really bad.
" These are Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
All right, here's a handy hint for when you've got a really, really bad hangover.
If you've got a really bad hangover, just put a little tiny sprig of parsley behind your ear, or a little leaf of basil.
You know why? Because garnish makes everything look better! That's why, when I wake up in the morning, I throw chives directly into my wife's face.
# Chives in your face # Chiiiives #.
.
in your face.
# Big Thoughts.
Did you ever think that, when you go fishing, it's a similar experience for the fish like if you were walking down the street one day, and then a burrito just appeared in midair? And then you bit into the burrito, and next thing you knew, you were in outer space.
Burritos in outer space.
Why is it they only let old people fight in the Second World War? Big Thoughts.
APPLAUSE - Sam Simmons, everyone.
- Thank you.
- OK.
The scores at the moment - David and Jessica are on no points, Jon and Rhod are on 17.
APPLAUSE OK, all right.
Don't rub it in.
And here is your teaser - the words are HUNG TOSS, and the clue is "aim and fire.
" That's HUNG TOSS, "aim and fire.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HUNG TOSS.
The clue was - aim and fire.
It was of course GUNSHOTS.
So, Jon and Rhod are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Jessica and Jon.
So, Jessica your turn to choose the letters.
What are you up to, Jon? - I've got - Oh.
- CLATTERING - Nothing, mate.
- LAUGHTER Sorting the cutlery out.
I mean, you tried to make me look stupid, cos there's only five compartments.
There's spoons, soup spoons, there's dessert forks You see what I mean? You just wasted everybody's time, but I'll do it.
LAUGHTER Jessica, pick the letters.
- Can I have four vowels and five consonants, please? - Oh! - Nice way of doing it.
- This is efficient! - Save time.
E, A, and then Q - Oh, dear.
- Yeah, do it, do it.
- W, R - Do it.
- Oh, God.
D and T.
Easy! LAUGHTER - That is exactly what I wanted.
- And your time starts - Now - So obvious.
HORN BEEPS LAUGHTER BIN LORRY SIREN CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What have you got? - Can I have a go with you? Yeah.
- Course you can, yeah.
I'll bring it over.
LAUGHTER It turns on a sixpence.
Hang on, I'll just stop it.
- There you go.
- Let me just climb on with you.
- Yeah, there you go.
You get the brake.
There you go.
That's forward, that one.
- This is so fun.
- Isn't it? - LAUGHTER - Hello, everybody! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shall we park it up somewhere? Let's just park it round the back here.
I don't know if it'll fit back there.
Oh, hang on.
No, that's not going to fit.
Oh, put it in reverse, put it in reverse, but in reverse.
No, no, no! No, no, no.
You've got to No, no! Put it in reverse.
Shit.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
You are the worst driver.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
- I had a lovely drive.
- Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I loved it.
Let's go out again, yeah? APPLAUSE JIMMY BEEPS HORN - Like the world's tidiest Gay Pride event.
- I think LAUGHTER All right, Jessica, what have you got? I've got seven.
Yeah.
Very well done.
Jon, what have you got? Er Also a seven.
Jessica, let's hear your seven.
WATERED WATERED.
Pretty good.
- Jon, let's hear yours.
- The same.
Right, I'll come and have a look at that.
- Come and have a look.
- He just wrote that down, Jimmy, just now.
LAUGHTER You've written it very small, so I don't know if that should count.
That's really small.
What's the little system you're using there, Jon? - I just scatter them about a bit.
- Right, and then reorder them? Well, sometimes I just do an E and see what I've got at the end of 30 seconds.
LAUGHTER And I'm too busy shagging to notice the game's going on half the time.
Seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? WATERED for us as well.
TOWARD for six.
But nothing very exciting.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Jessica have 7.
Jon and Rhod have 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, now it's time for David and Rhod to go head-to-head.
Rhod Your turn to pick the numbers.
Whatever number you pick, I don't mind.
Just pick some from the top and the bottom.
Two from the top, three from the top, I don't know, - whatever you've got to do.
- Three? - Do what you've got to do, Rachel.
- I've got three of each then.
- Perfect, lovely.
Sounds great.
Happy middle.
Right You've got 8, another 8, And 7.
And then the big ones - - 50, 75 and 25.
- Oh, who picked these? LAUGHTER You should get this one.
OK, and your time starts now.
Done it! ROD TAPS HIS GLASS RHYTHMICALLY - Shut up! - LAUGHTER - I've done it.
- Yeah I've got it.
OK APPLAUSE So, the target was 408.
David, did you get it? 8 x 50 = 400 + 8 Yeah? Deal with it! Deal with it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rhod, did you get it? - Well - LAUGHTER No, but I do think I was slightly hampered by my captain tapping his glass all the way through that thing.
- Maths is all about rhythm.
- Yeah.
Where were you when we stopped? Well, amazingly, I got to 407.
Can I just say, I did it very quickly.
- I know, I don't know if there's bonus points.
- That's not always - For that.
- That's what I ask my wife, and there isn't.
LAUGHTER So, there's no points for 407, Rhod, but 10 points to David.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so David and Jessica have 17.
Jon and Rhod have 24.
OK, that's not bad.
Not bad.
- Ooh! - Ooh! OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Sam, what have you got for us? I'm going to do some impressions for you, but I need to put on my woolly impressions jumper.
Yeah, let's go.
'This is an impression of a man who accidentally spilled a hot mug of chamomile tea in his lap.
' Oh, I thought it was meant to be relaxing.
LAUGHTER 'This is an impression of a man trying to smell his own face.
' LAUGHTER 'This is an impression of a man doing an impression of a little shy guy.
' - Stop it - 'Little shy guy.
' - Stop it, I am not.
- 'You think you're so good.
- I do not.
Stop it.
- 'Yes, you do.
' - Shut up, I don't.
- 'You do, you think you're so good.
' - I don't.
Stop that.
Please, stop it.
Please don't stop.
LAUGHTER OK, all right.
'This is an impression of a man with reindeer hooves for hands 'pointing out idiots in the audience.
' LAUGHTER There's one over there.
There's one there.
There's one just in the front row there.
There's another one.
There's just one there.
'This is an impression of a man who is doing the washing up, 'but then accidentally over-soaped a coffee mug and dropped it, 'but then he miraculously caught it with his foot.
' A CAPPELLA CHOIR: # Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot # Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot It's on a loop, it doesn't end, so Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot Everybody! Right, OK Sam Simmons, everyone, Sam Simmons.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - David and Jessica have 17, Jon and Rhod are on 24.
APPLAUSE - Ooh! - Ooh! Here's your teaser.
The words are SPIT RASH and the clue is - give it a pluck.
That's SPIT RASH - give it a pluck.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SPIT RASH, the clue was "Give it a pluck.
" It was, of course, HARPISTS.
OK, on with the game, Jon and Rhod, your turn to choose the letters.
Er Vowel, vowel, vowel, consonant, consonant, consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant.
I just don't like this scatter-gun approach.
Is this for everyone? - Yeah, but I'm picking them.
- For everyone? - What? - Yeah, that's how the game works.
LAUGHTER No, Jessica, this is just for our team.
Vowel.
- A.
- Consonant.
P Vowel.
I Consonant.
Vowel.
E It's gonna go off when I say this.
Consonant.
M Tough crowd.
- Oh, sorry, there's another one.
- Got one more, Rhod.
Yeah No, don't worry about the end one.
- RACHEL CHUCKLES - Consonant, consonant.
P And your time starts now.
So, Jon, how many letters? Seven.
Ooh! Rhod? I don't know, it's early days, but I've got a good feeling.
- Great.
- One.
LAUGHTER One? But it's a good one.
OK.
David? - Five.
- Jessica? - Five.
- Well, Rhod, what's your one? I haven't got it yet.
LAUGHTER Jessica, what's your five? PAIN - David, what's your five? - PAINT.
Jon, what was your seven? I'm a big skateboard dude Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
.
.
and the young kids, when they start training, they go on a half-pipe, but when you get as good as me, you go on a TENPIPE.
So TENPIPE is there for seven.
Looks like we might be needing my one.
JIMMY LAUGHS JESSICA: That's yours.
TENPIPE? Susie, is TENPIPE in there? Umit's not.
- JESSICA GASPS - I can't believe it! Well, you obviously don't hang around the same parks as me.
LAUGHTER Five points to David's team.
APPLAUSE - Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? - I've got an eight.
On your own? PANTIPEE PANTIPEE? PANTIPEE - It's a trademark in Australia, isn't it? - Is it really?! No, I don't think so.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, wow.
Susie, any other words, could they have done better? You can have MATINEE for seven.
I had that one.
RHOD: That's not an English word, though, is it? It's French, but it's I believe the British people have made their choice on words.
LAUGHTER Send it back.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Rhod are in the lead with 24.
APPLAUSE OK, onto another numbers round.
David, Jessica, your pick of the numbers.
Let's have four big ones RACHEL GASPS - Drama! - .
.
and how many does that leave, sorry? - RACHEL LAUGHS - Two! - Oh, well, that does not bode well, does it? - Two little ones.
"There's six in total, I've had four, how many's left?" Well, how could you tell? - Yes, four big ones and two little ones, please.
- Two little ones.
You can have a 9 and a 2.
And then you can have four big ones.
25, 75, 100 and 50.
- Whoo! Wow.
- Wait for it - OK And your time starts now.
So the target was 759.
David, did you get it? - Er No.
- Jessica? - I think I did.
- You think you did.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Rhod, did you get it? Yeah, but I won't need to, cos he's got it, so I'm fine with that.
- OK, Jessica, how did you get it? - Oh No, I didn't.
Cos I used 9 twice, so I got 750.
And I can't use the 9.
LAUGHTER OK, you seem genuinely upset, and I feel bad.
I'm not, I'm just telling the truth.
Well, if you're not upset, you're not taking it seriously, and I'M upset.
I'm upset, I'm hiding it, I'm just You know, I'm brazening it out, - I'm pretending like I don't care.
- But it does matter.
Of course it matters, Jimmy! Of course it matters.
Help me try and put this back together.
SHATTERING APPLAUSE You picked the wrong moment.
RHOD: The worst thing is, you've upset Jon's cutlery drawer as well.
LAUGHTER There isn't a compartment for the shattered face of an old relative.
Jon, how did you do it? 100 + 50 150 ÷ 25 - 150 ÷ 25 - Oh, DIVIDED by! - Oh, well, that's very interesting.
- Why's that interesting? Well, because, where I grew up, that was 8.
LAUGHTER It's all right.
Rachel, it's OK if you've made a mistake.
What can we do? Can we do that? No, no, I needed the 2 later.
Oh I did say I've got it, but I won't need it, cos he's got it.
- You did say you've got it but you won't need it, but I think - Yeah.
LAUGHTER - Well, that's not you, Jon.
- I just had a lot of energy.
- That's not you.
That is not you, Jon! - OK, so, Rhod, did you actually get it? - Yeah.
2 x 25 Where I come from, 50.
LAUGHTER I've heard where you come from, you put dresses on sheep, so - Plus - LAUGHTER 50 + 9 50 + 9 - Where I come from, 59.
- Yeah.
- Then, the 75, take that, write that down.
- Yeah.
Cross the five out LAUGHTER Now put times 100 700, plus the 59, where I come from, 759.
APPLAUSE So there's no points to anyone, but, Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, it was a hard one, though.
If you go 50 + 75 = 125 100 ÷ Oh, you kept the 5 on the 75, I see 100 ÷ 25 = 4.
Kept it.
4 + 2 = 6 125 x 6 = 750 And you've got a 9 to add on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What? We got it wrong.
Big deal! It's late-night Channel 4, who cares?! LAUGHTER OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Sam, what do you have for us? 'Man, that Jimmy Carr thinks he's so good.
'Bloody so good, thinks he is, Jimmy Carr guy.
'He's weird-looking, too.
'Tell you what he looks like, 'he looks like a Madame Tussaud's waxwork of himself, 'but, like, he's been fucked by that guy 'on the front of a packet of Just For Men.
'Mmm, Just For Men guy.
'Oh, my ankle just brushed past the back of Susie Dent's shoe.
'Mmm, yeah, Susie Dent's shoe.
'I wonder if she wants Daddy to give her a biscuit? 'Mmm, yeah, Daddy wants a biscuit.
'What the hell is wrong with David Walliams' face? 'Oh, my God, look at David Walliams' face! 'Oh, it looks all yuck.
' His face is all yuck! 'Actually, sorry, no.
Hang on, no, my mistake.
'It's just a smudge on my glasses.
' Sorry.
Sorry, David.
'Show them the T-shirt you're wearing.
' No, I don't want to.
'Go on, show them your T-shirt.
' No, no, I'm embarrassed.
'Yeah, go on, get it out.
' All right, I'll give it a go.
'Look at that! ' "Daddy wants a biscuit," 'that's like the worst catchphrase I've ever heard.
'It's never gonna catch on, man.
' I'm a little roller slut.
I can't believe this CHEERING Daddy's a little roller slut again.
APPLAUSE CHEERING - I'm really embarrassed by this.
- What are you embarrassed by? Just embarrassed my little guy It feels like Daddy might have already had a biscuit.
Sam Simmons, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - David and Jessica have 22, Jon and Rhod have 24, and here is your final teaser.
The words are PISS LOAD, the clue is, "Get rid of it.
" That's PISS LOAD, "Get rid of it.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were PISS LOAD.
The clue was "Get rid of it".
It was, of course, DISPOSAL.
Are you still sorting the cutlery out? I've done the best I can, Jimmy, but I have got serious questions about your diet, Rhod, if this is your cutlery tray.
I mean, who has six dessert forks and two regular forks? - I've separated these - With you, I know I can just do that and you'll go mental.
Watch me go mental.
Just leave it!! I genuinely know you won't like it.
I genuinely know you won't like it.
- Oh, God! - Oh, it's Uncle Apples all over again! OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, Rhod, your turn to choose.
Let's have a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
L A vowel, please.
- E.
- Might spell DALEK.
Let's see if we can spell EMMER.
LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
I - Ah! - Oh! A consonant, please.
C And another consonant, please.
- M.
- Ooh! You liked that one, didn't you? - What do you want now? - Just make this count.
- Vowel, please.
- A.
- Oh, you twat! LAUGHTER - And a final consonant, please.
- And the last one R Ow! OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
BUZZING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jon, how many? - Eight.
It's a wood carving of my face.
From this angle, it looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
What, and that's why we can never be together? Could you imagine the episode of the Chuckle Brothers, where they are trying to pass a chainsaw to each other? Bloodbath! Rhod, how many? Well, you're not going to believe this, Jimmy.
I've got a nine.
You've got a nine, OK.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Jessica? - Six.
- A six.
OK.
David? - Nine.
Nine, OK.
So, Jessica, your six.
NAILED Jon, let's hear your eight, before we get on to the unbelievable nines.
Erm, CALENDAR.
Ooh! Oh, so clever! APPLAUSE That's good.
OK, Rhod, I would like to know your nine-letter word.
My word is Nine.
NARKELADI LAUGHTER When an old woman gets annoyed with you.
Like Vorderman, when you took her job.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, David, your nine-letter word.
L-A N-A-D .
.
I-C?E?R.
LANADICER.
LAUGHTER - LANADICER.
- Ooh, I like that one.
What does that mean? DAVID: You use it when you need to lanade something.
Could be a LANA-DICER.
Do you ever use the word LANA-DICER? It's either.
In the dictionary, it will say either pronunciation.
- Yeah, both pronunciations.
- Why not just make it ANAL DICER? I mean, it's right there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE An ANAL DICER is actually a very good description of David Walliams.
LAUGHTER You've also got ANAL CIDER up there, which is a delicious festival drink.
APPLAUSE Well, that's eight points to Jon! APPLAUSE Susie, were there any nines? Could they have done better than eight? We got one more eight, which was RADIANCE.
OK, so David and Jessica have 22.
Jon and Rhod have 32.
APPLAUSE There is ten points on offer for the conundrum, so you are playing - for a draw here.
- OK.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
LAUGHTER - I've got it.
- Go on, what is it? ADVENTURE LAUGHTER - Oh, no, it's not ADVENTURE.
- RHOD: Is it not ADVENTURE? - There's no - There's no V there.
- No V.
- Let's have a look.
JESSICA: UNTREATED JON: Oh, UNTREATED.
So, no-one got it.
So, the final scores are, David and Jessica have 22 points, but tonight's winners, with 32, are Rhod and Jon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Hammock! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr.
- APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers, and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, the atlas is named after the Greek God who held up the pillars of the universe? Of course, Atlas was eventually defeated by his rival, Google Maps.
The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests things that come in threes are more satisfying.
I've told my girlfriend, but she still says no.
And the word "bollocks" appears in a 14th century translation of the Bible.
I assume Joseph says it when Mary tells him she's pregnant by a ghost.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon is a writer, comedian, football fanatic, but perhaps the most surprising thing about Jon is that his wife still hasn't smothered him to death in his sleep.
Separate beds.
And Jon's team-mate, Rhod Gilbert.
APPLAUSE Bring it on, bring it on.
Rhod is hugely popular in Wales, so all the Welsh will be watching tonight.
It doesn't matter what they're doing - putting a dress on some livestock, counting up to 12 on their fingers, covering each other with phlegm during a normal conversation, or having sex with a close relative, they'll take time out to cheer Rhod on.
APPLAUSE Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain, David Walliams.
- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
David says the most disgusting thing he's ever put in his mouth is jellyfish.
I think I speak for us all when I say, "I find that very hard to believe.
" And joining David tonight is Jessica Hynes.
APPLAUSE Jessica's main hobby is crocheting.
I love crocheting.
It's great for people who want to make something horrible out of yarn, but aren't cut out for the high octane, adrenaline- fuelled world of knitting.
David, you're up against Jon this evening.
You defeated him last time.
Are you feeling confident? Very confident, because I'm very good at Countdown.
Very, very good at it, and I've got a very clever person with me.
As I don't know if you remember, but last time I was here, I didn't do very well.
Have you been practising at home? Yeah, a lot, practising a lot.
She's written out her 75 times table.
Don't tell them! - OK, don't tell - APPLAUSE Don't give them those.
That's what he's going to do now.
OK, Jessica, you've won a BAFTA, a British Comedy Award, you've been nominated for a Tony and an Olivier award, so appearing on Countdown, it's right up there, isn't it? It is.
I mean, it is.
- What did you get a Tony for? - I didn't get a Tony.
WE won a Tony, but I personally lost one.
What do you mean, "we"? - Well, as the company, the show - What was the show? It was The Norman Conquests.
Oh, that was boring.
We've known each other We've actually known each other for - Is it about 25 years? - Yes, it is, actually, yes.
How did you two meet? We were in the National Youth Theatre together.
- We went on one date.
- To the pictures.
- What did you go and see? - I can't remember.
I cant remember anything about it, actually, to be honest.
But it was very much one date.
- And we were very young.
- She didn't like me.
He bought me Smarties.
Ordered some Smarties.
He still does that for his dates now.
- I remember the Smarties.
- It was one date, yeah.
She used to call me - cos I had long hair - - she used to call me the Eskimo Princess.
- I did.
Because my hair used to come down in waves.
It was actually very pretty, wasn't it? You're exactly the same, except much, much richer.
Yes.
Isn't it wonderful? OK, now, Jon.
How you feel about working with Rhod this evening? I'm very excited.
I've known Rhod now for two weeks.
We went on a date.
I bought him a Mars bar, and we went dogging.
That's where we went wrong.
Rhod, you're one of our highest ever scorers on the show.
- Am I? - Is there any competition this evening? Do you think you're going to walk this? No, I'll walk it.
Absolutely walk it.
I'm not worried at all.
I'm shit with numbers.
My PIN is 1111, always.
That's the only one I can remember, but words, I have a gift.
A gift, where I see words, any jumbled up word, floating around, I can immediately Like, above your head, I'm seeing C, K, I, D.
Straight away, my brain makes sense of them.
Straight away, my brain makes sense of it, and got a word there already.
It'll take them a while, but we're all there.
OK, Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? Well, what happens with this show, Jimmy, is I arrive all excited, - I put my best cardigan on.
- I like it.
You've gone with a grey cardigan, in case anyone got overexcited.
It's not the place for excitement, Countdown.
Or is it? So I arrive all excited, and then you bully me, and you make all your jokes, and I get all depressed, so I've been looking at how to make my spirits higher, and who are the most enthusiastic people on the planet? Cheerleaders.
I wanted, to reflect Countdown, a more mature cheerleader.
So I got together a crack team of pensioner cheerleaders.
We got to the human pyramid.
Marjorie, on top, was unsure what a pyramid was.
I said, "like the teabag".
She got very excited.
There was an accident, three broken hips, evening in A&E, so I've cobbled together a modern equivalent, so to raise my spirits with some chants, please welcome Rico's Old Dearleaders.
APPLAUSE Ready? OK! Hey, all you big Jon fans, let me see you clap your hands! APPLAUSE Just a grey cardigan to stop people getting excited, as it is, Jimmy? - I don't think so, mate.
- APPLAUSE Wow.
So, perhaps, one more chant, if you please, ladies.
Give me a J, give me an O, give me an N.
What have you got? - SUBDUED: Jon.
- APPLAUSE Rhod, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I've messed up a bit, though, because I brought a mascot that I thought would wind Jon up, and throw him, and psych him out, and completely mess with his head, and put him off for the whole game.
- Right.
- Yeah, and then it backfired because I got put on his team.
- Well, we have to see the mascot.
- Well, no, we don't.
It's part of the show.
I know it's part of the show, but fuck it.
Come on, let's have a look at it.
Well, but it's going to mess him up, and he's on my team.
Oh, he'll be all right.
He'll be fine with it.
I brought the one thing I know would mess with his head really bad.
It's just a really untidy, disordered cutlery drawer.
- Well, we need - You've given me something to do there.
He's going to do it! I'm already so excited at the Just what this is going to look like, by the end.
OK, David, have you got a mascot? I have, yes, Jimmy, because I've seen this show before.
- Right.
- And it goes on a bit.
And I thought, in case it goes on too long, I would just bring along a television, so I can watch my own shows, during the filming, so let's watch a little bit of The One Show.
Carry on.
Can you turn the volume up, David, cos? Where's that TV from? It's from It's from a skip outside my dressing room.
I loved tellies, when they were like this.
- Very nice.
- Portable.
Not that portable.
Jessica, have you got a mascot? I've got a very, very special mascot, that used to belong - to my Great Uncle Harold, who lived in Wales, and - Not you as well! My Great Uncle Harold was Welsh, and this is from his farmhouse, and he used to call him Mr Apples, and Why did he call him Mr Apples when he's carrying eggs? Because he's holding a little basket of apples.
I thought they were eggs, sorry.
Oh, actually, maybe they're eggs.
And then my uncle died, and I got to keep him, and - Do you want to see him? - Yes, it's really, really nice.
- I kind of - Oh, sorry.
JIMMY LAUGHS Sorry.
What came off? The actual apples came off.
- What was he called again? - He's called Mr Mr One Hand, now.
But now you've got two beautiful sculptures.
I'm sure it's fixable, anyway, so if you can just give him Just give him back.
Thanks.
- Sorry.
- That's all right.
I'm sure he'll go back together.
This feels a bit like your first date.
Right, over in Dictionary Corner, it's Sam Simmons.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons, he's the answer to the question, "What would it look like if my thumb was hairy?" - Are you serious? - You look a little bit like a hairy thumb.
- I don't mean that in a negative way.
- Not with a hat on, mate.
I look fantastic with a hat Off, it's a different story.
That's fair enough.
Jon's drawn a picture of you on his thumb.
- That's pretty good.
- JIMMY LAUGHS I'm 38 years old, I'm getting fatter and balder, I can't help what my face looks like.
Sorry, you can't help what your face looks like? That moustache is a permanent fixture, is it? I can't grow stuff up here! I might as well have something to comb.
Do you get money from Guess Who? - No! - APPLAUSE OK, and with Sam, of course, Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE Susie's written 13 books.
They say everyone's got one good book inside them, so fingers crossed for the next one, Susie.
Susie, what have you been looking into recently? It's called the dictionary of the vulgar tongue, and loads of words in there that actually sound really rude, but they're not, so "tosspot," if you call someone a tosser, not necessarily what you might think.
It's somebody who tossed back a pot of beer.
And "kumbang" is another one in there.
- "Kumbang"? - "Kumbang" is a hot arid wind.
That's not like an invitation? Like, "come bang"? No, it's spelt differently, anyway.
And, in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE With her qualifications in physics and quantum mechanics, Rachel is Britain's second favourite lady-faced scientist, after Professor Brian Cox.
Rachel, if you had to have one of the players this evening - as a housemate, who would you go for? - Erm Well, Susie borrows my clothes.
She's borrowed my bras before, so I'll borrow your clothes! Yeah, I wouldn't trust you around my shoes.
I think you might stretch them.
- Oh, charming(!) - I wouldn't trust you around my stuff, for other reasons.
- What?! - What stuff wouldn't you trust me round? - No, not you, Jimmy.
- Oh, why you looking at me, then? - I was looking at Jimmy! - Are you? - Yeah.
- Are you really looking at Jimmy? - Yeah.
Your head's on the wrong way round.
I've heard that before.
OK, that prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this - the Countdown hammock.
APPLAUSE - Is he serious? - Jessica's perked up there, that's I mean, I'm in it to win it, but now, I want that hammock.
It's a shame you're not better at Countdown.
It is a shame.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game, and David and Jessica, you get the first pick of the letters.
- OK.
Vowel.
- Thank you, Jessica.
E Another vowel, please.
O Consonant, please.
R Vowel, please.
I Consonant.
S Consonant.
N Consonant.
Vowel, please.
A - Consonant.
Thank you.
- And the last one.
N And, for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
A handsome prince! Brian Belo, everyone! APPLAUSE Dreams DO come true! And, if you're going to have sex with a frog, do use a condom.
If you want the frog to enjoy it, then rib it.
APPLAUSE - David, how many letters? - Five.
- Jessica? - Five.
I thought you said you wanted the hammock.
If you don't want the hammock, just tell me.
I'm doing my best, that's all I can do, Jim.
- Jon? - Seven.
- Rhod? - Seven.
OK, well, let's hear the fives first.
David, what's your five? STROAN.
S-T-R-O-A-N.
STROAN.
And could you define STROAN for us? It's a strain that's really bad.
OK, you declared five letters.
That is six letters.
Look, we haven't got to the numbers yet, OK? When we come to the numbers, we'll deal with that.
Susie Dent, off of the dictionary, is it a word? - It's not.
It's not in there, I'm afraid.
- This is news to me! - Yeah.
I've been using that every day.
Jessica.
JESSICA GASPS - Do you remember you said you had a five? - Yeah, I've got - I've actually now got a six.
- No, you declared the five, - so you've got to go with the five.
- No, no, no.
- But, technically, it's - She, like me, can't count - any more than five.
- Also, Jimmy, we've both got sevens, so I'm more than happy for their six to stand.
- Fine, go with the six, then.
- TRAINS.
- OK, Rhod, what is your seven? I had trainers, then realised there's only one R, so TANNERS.
TANNERS.
JESSICA: TANNERS.
Oh, very good, very good.
- Jon, your seven? - RATIONS.
- Ooh, that's so clever! - Oh! Seven points to Jon and Rhod.
APPLAUSE Susie, could they have done any better? - Yeah, there is a nine there, ANOINTERS.
- - I had that! - I thought of that, and then - The first thing I wrote down, and then I thought, "No, STROAN".
So, at the end of that, Jon and Rhod are in the lead with seven.
APPLAUSE OK, on to our first numbers round.
- Jon and Rhod, your turn to pick the numbers.
- Two from the top.
- There we are.
- Four from anywhere else.
- - Two from the top, and four little 'uns.
- Perfect.
- You've got 10, 5 - I'm rubbish at this.
- .
.
4, 8, - and the big ones, 25 and 75.
- Oh, those are some good numbers.
And the target - 623.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 623.
Jon, did you get it? Yes.
But rather than just break it to you like that, Jimmy, why don't I get back my Old Dearleaders? - Have at it.
- Welcome back, Rico's Old Dearleaders! APPLAUSE Two, four, six, eight, Jon has got the number APPLAUSE - Rhod, did you get it? - I got 624.
- So I'll defer to my team captain.
- OK.
David, did you get it? - Got close.
- How close did you get? 12,008.
- 12,008? - 10 x 75, 750, x 4, 3,000, x 4, 12,000, + 8 = 12,008.
- Oh, yeah.
- You used the four twice.
- You used the four twice.
You can't use the numbers twice.
So, even with that answer, you got it wrong.
It's all right, Jessica probably got it.
Jessica, did you get it? I got 629.
- Which is quite good, I think.
- Pretty good, yeah.
In the time allowed, which was brief.
- OK, Jon, how did you do it? - 8 x 75.
- 600.
- +25.
- 625.
- And then 10 / 5 is 2.
- Yep.
- RHOD: That's good.
- OK, so ten points to Jon.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go now across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sam, what have you got for us? All right, I've got some really big mind-expanding Big Thoughts, so It's so big, I think I'm going to go out there to do it, OK? Excellent.
Sam Simmons, everyone.
APPLAUSE Sam Simmons.
All right, guys.
This is Big Thoughts, let's go.
- Big Thoughts.
- What if none of this was real? - FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS - Big Thoughts.
What if I was just making this all up right now? Big Thoughts.
I'm a big believer in karma.
A big believer in karma.
That's why, when I saw a little girl getting hit over the head with a shovel, I couldn't help but think to myself, "I don't know what she did, but it must have been really, really bad.
" These are Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
Big Thoughts.
All right, here's a handy hint for when you've got a really, really bad hangover.
If you've got a really bad hangover, just put a little tiny sprig of parsley behind your ear, or a little leaf of basil.
You know why? Because garnish makes everything look better! That's why, when I wake up in the morning, I throw chives directly into my wife's face.
# Chives in your face # Chiiiives #.
.
in your face.
# Big Thoughts.
Did you ever think that, when you go fishing, it's a similar experience for the fish like if you were walking down the street one day, and then a burrito just appeared in midair? And then you bit into the burrito, and next thing you knew, you were in outer space.
Burritos in outer space.
Why is it they only let old people fight in the Second World War? Big Thoughts.
APPLAUSE - Sam Simmons, everyone.
- Thank you.
- OK.
The scores at the moment - David and Jessica are on no points, Jon and Rhod are on 17.
APPLAUSE OK, all right.
Don't rub it in.
And here is your teaser - the words are HUNG TOSS, and the clue is "aim and fire.
" That's HUNG TOSS, "aim and fire.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were HUNG TOSS.
The clue was - aim and fire.
It was of course GUNSHOTS.
So, Jon and Rhod are in the lead.
OK, they've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Jessica and Jon.
So, Jessica your turn to choose the letters.
What are you up to, Jon? - I've got - Oh.
- CLATTERING - Nothing, mate.
- LAUGHTER Sorting the cutlery out.
I mean, you tried to make me look stupid, cos there's only five compartments.
There's spoons, soup spoons, there's dessert forks You see what I mean? You just wasted everybody's time, but I'll do it.
LAUGHTER Jessica, pick the letters.
- Can I have four vowels and five consonants, please? - Oh! - Nice way of doing it.
- This is efficient! - Save time.
E, A, and then Q - Oh, dear.
- Yeah, do it, do it.
- W, R - Do it.
- Oh, God.
D and T.
Easy! LAUGHTER - That is exactly what I wanted.
- And your time starts - Now - So obvious.
HORN BEEPS LAUGHTER BIN LORRY SIREN CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What have you got? - Can I have a go with you? Yeah.
- Course you can, yeah.
I'll bring it over.
LAUGHTER It turns on a sixpence.
Hang on, I'll just stop it.
- There you go.
- Let me just climb on with you.
- Yeah, there you go.
You get the brake.
There you go.
That's forward, that one.
- This is so fun.
- Isn't it? - LAUGHTER - Hello, everybody! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shall we park it up somewhere? Let's just park it round the back here.
I don't know if it'll fit back there.
Oh, hang on.
No, that's not going to fit.
Oh, put it in reverse, put it in reverse, but in reverse.
No, no, no! No, no, no.
You've got to No, no! Put it in reverse.
Shit.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
- Sorry.
- Jesus.
You are the worst driver.
LAUGHTER Thank you.
- I had a lovely drive.
- Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I loved it.
Let's go out again, yeah? APPLAUSE JIMMY BEEPS HORN - Like the world's tidiest Gay Pride event.
- I think LAUGHTER All right, Jessica, what have you got? I've got seven.
Yeah.
Very well done.
Jon, what have you got? Er Also a seven.
Jessica, let's hear your seven.
WATERED WATERED.
Pretty good.
- Jon, let's hear yours.
- The same.
Right, I'll come and have a look at that.
- Come and have a look.
- He just wrote that down, Jimmy, just now.
LAUGHTER You've written it very small, so I don't know if that should count.
That's really small.
What's the little system you're using there, Jon? - I just scatter them about a bit.
- Right, and then reorder them? Well, sometimes I just do an E and see what I've got at the end of 30 seconds.
LAUGHTER And I'm too busy shagging to notice the game's going on half the time.
Seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? WATERED for us as well.
TOWARD for six.
But nothing very exciting.
OK, so at the end of that, David and Jessica have 7.
Jon and Rhod have 24.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, now it's time for David and Rhod to go head-to-head.
Rhod Your turn to pick the numbers.
Whatever number you pick, I don't mind.
Just pick some from the top and the bottom.
Two from the top, three from the top, I don't know, - whatever you've got to do.
- Three? - Do what you've got to do, Rachel.
- I've got three of each then.
- Perfect, lovely.
Sounds great.
Happy middle.
Right You've got 8, another 8, And 7.
And then the big ones - - 50, 75 and 25.
- Oh, who picked these? LAUGHTER You should get this one.
OK, and your time starts now.
Done it! ROD TAPS HIS GLASS RHYTHMICALLY - Shut up! - LAUGHTER - I've done it.
- Yeah I've got it.
OK APPLAUSE So, the target was 408.
David, did you get it? 8 x 50 = 400 + 8 Yeah? Deal with it! Deal with it! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Rhod, did you get it? - Well - LAUGHTER No, but I do think I was slightly hampered by my captain tapping his glass all the way through that thing.
- Maths is all about rhythm.
- Yeah.
Where were you when we stopped? Well, amazingly, I got to 407.
Can I just say, I did it very quickly.
- I know, I don't know if there's bonus points.
- That's not always - For that.
- That's what I ask my wife, and there isn't.
LAUGHTER So, there's no points for 407, Rhod, but 10 points to David.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, so David and Jessica have 17.
Jon and Rhod have 24.
OK, that's not bad.
Not bad.
- Ooh! - Ooh! OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Sam, what have you got for us? I'm going to do some impressions for you, but I need to put on my woolly impressions jumper.
Yeah, let's go.
'This is an impression of a man who accidentally spilled a hot mug of chamomile tea in his lap.
' Oh, I thought it was meant to be relaxing.
LAUGHTER 'This is an impression of a man trying to smell his own face.
' LAUGHTER 'This is an impression of a man doing an impression of a little shy guy.
' - Stop it - 'Little shy guy.
' - Stop it, I am not.
- 'You think you're so good.
- I do not.
Stop it.
- 'Yes, you do.
' - Shut up, I don't.
- 'You do, you think you're so good.
' - I don't.
Stop that.
Please, stop it.
Please don't stop.
LAUGHTER OK, all right.
'This is an impression of a man with reindeer hooves for hands 'pointing out idiots in the audience.
' LAUGHTER There's one over there.
There's one there.
There's one just in the front row there.
There's another one.
There's just one there.
'This is an impression of a man who is doing the washing up, 'but then accidentally over-soaped a coffee mug and dropped it, 'but then he miraculously caught it with his foot.
' A CAPPELLA CHOIR: # Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot # Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot It's on a loop, it doesn't end, so Dropping a coffee mug and catch it with your foot Everybody! Right, OK Sam Simmons, everyone, Sam Simmons.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - David and Jessica have 17, Jon and Rhod are on 24.
APPLAUSE - Ooh! - Ooh! Here's your teaser.
The words are SPIT RASH and the clue is - give it a pluck.
That's SPIT RASH - give it a pluck.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were SPIT RASH, the clue was "Give it a pluck.
" It was, of course, HARPISTS.
OK, on with the game, Jon and Rhod, your turn to choose the letters.
Er Vowel, vowel, vowel, consonant, consonant, consonant, vowel, vowel, consonant.
I just don't like this scatter-gun approach.
Is this for everyone? - Yeah, but I'm picking them.
- For everyone? - What? - Yeah, that's how the game works.
LAUGHTER No, Jessica, this is just for our team.
Vowel.
- A.
- Consonant.
P Vowel.
I Consonant.
Vowel.
E It's gonna go off when I say this.
Consonant.
M Tough crowd.
- Oh, sorry, there's another one.
- Got one more, Rhod.
Yeah No, don't worry about the end one.
- RACHEL CHUCKLES - Consonant, consonant.
P And your time starts now.
So, Jon, how many letters? Seven.
Ooh! Rhod? I don't know, it's early days, but I've got a good feeling.
- Great.
- One.
LAUGHTER One? But it's a good one.
OK.
David? - Five.
- Jessica? - Five.
- Well, Rhod, what's your one? I haven't got it yet.
LAUGHTER Jessica, what's your five? PAIN - David, what's your five? - PAINT.
Jon, what was your seven? I'm a big skateboard dude Oh, yeah, sure, sure.
.
.
and the young kids, when they start training, they go on a half-pipe, but when you get as good as me, you go on a TENPIPE.
So TENPIPE is there for seven.
Looks like we might be needing my one.
JIMMY LAUGHS JESSICA: That's yours.
TENPIPE? Susie, is TENPIPE in there? Umit's not.
- JESSICA GASPS - I can't believe it! Well, you obviously don't hang around the same parks as me.
LAUGHTER Five points to David's team.
APPLAUSE - Sam, Susie, could they have done any better? - I've got an eight.
On your own? PANTIPEE PANTIPEE? PANTIPEE - It's a trademark in Australia, isn't it? - Is it really?! No, I don't think so.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Oh, wow.
Susie, any other words, could they have done better? You can have MATINEE for seven.
I had that one.
RHOD: That's not an English word, though, is it? It's French, but it's I believe the British people have made their choice on words.
LAUGHTER Send it back.
LAUGHTER OK, so at the end of that, Jon and Rhod are in the lead with 24.
APPLAUSE OK, onto another numbers round.
David, Jessica, your pick of the numbers.
Let's have four big ones RACHEL GASPS - Drama! - .
.
and how many does that leave, sorry? - RACHEL LAUGHS - Two! - Oh, well, that does not bode well, does it? - Two little ones.
"There's six in total, I've had four, how many's left?" Well, how could you tell? - Yes, four big ones and two little ones, please.
- Two little ones.
You can have a 9 and a 2.
And then you can have four big ones.
25, 75, 100 and 50.
- Whoo! Wow.
- Wait for it - OK And your time starts now.
So the target was 759.
David, did you get it? - Er No.
- Jessica? - I think I did.
- You think you did.
Jon, did you get it? - Yes.
- Rhod, did you get it? Yeah, but I won't need to, cos he's got it, so I'm fine with that.
- OK, Jessica, how did you get it? - Oh No, I didn't.
Cos I used 9 twice, so I got 750.
And I can't use the 9.
LAUGHTER OK, you seem genuinely upset, and I feel bad.
I'm not, I'm just telling the truth.
Well, if you're not upset, you're not taking it seriously, and I'M upset.
I'm upset, I'm hiding it, I'm just You know, I'm brazening it out, - I'm pretending like I don't care.
- But it does matter.
Of course it matters, Jimmy! Of course it matters.
Help me try and put this back together.
SHATTERING APPLAUSE You picked the wrong moment.
RHOD: The worst thing is, you've upset Jon's cutlery drawer as well.
LAUGHTER There isn't a compartment for the shattered face of an old relative.
Jon, how did you do it? 100 + 50 150 ÷ 25 - 150 ÷ 25 - Oh, DIVIDED by! - Oh, well, that's very interesting.
- Why's that interesting? Well, because, where I grew up, that was 8.
LAUGHTER It's all right.
Rachel, it's OK if you've made a mistake.
What can we do? Can we do that? No, no, I needed the 2 later.
Oh I did say I've got it, but I won't need it, cos he's got it.
- You did say you've got it but you won't need it, but I think - Yeah.
LAUGHTER - Well, that's not you, Jon.
- I just had a lot of energy.
- That's not you.
That is not you, Jon! - OK, so, Rhod, did you actually get it? - Yeah.
2 x 25 Where I come from, 50.
LAUGHTER I've heard where you come from, you put dresses on sheep, so - Plus - LAUGHTER 50 + 9 50 + 9 - Where I come from, 59.
- Yeah.
- Then, the 75, take that, write that down.
- Yeah.
Cross the five out LAUGHTER Now put times 100 700, plus the 59, where I come from, 759.
APPLAUSE So there's no points to anyone, but, Rachel, could it be done? Yeah, it was a hard one, though.
If you go 50 + 75 = 125 100 ÷ Oh, you kept the 5 on the 75, I see 100 ÷ 25 = 4.
Kept it.
4 + 2 = 6 125 x 6 = 750 And you've got a 9 to add on.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What? We got it wrong.
Big deal! It's late-night Channel 4, who cares?! LAUGHTER OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner one last time.
Sam, what do you have for us? 'Man, that Jimmy Carr thinks he's so good.
'Bloody so good, thinks he is, Jimmy Carr guy.
'He's weird-looking, too.
'Tell you what he looks like, 'he looks like a Madame Tussaud's waxwork of himself, 'but, like, he's been fucked by that guy 'on the front of a packet of Just For Men.
'Mmm, Just For Men guy.
'Oh, my ankle just brushed past the back of Susie Dent's shoe.
'Mmm, yeah, Susie Dent's shoe.
'I wonder if she wants Daddy to give her a biscuit? 'Mmm, yeah, Daddy wants a biscuit.
'What the hell is wrong with David Walliams' face? 'Oh, my God, look at David Walliams' face! 'Oh, it looks all yuck.
' His face is all yuck! 'Actually, sorry, no.
Hang on, no, my mistake.
'It's just a smudge on my glasses.
' Sorry.
Sorry, David.
'Show them the T-shirt you're wearing.
' No, I don't want to.
'Go on, show them your T-shirt.
' No, no, I'm embarrassed.
'Yeah, go on, get it out.
' All right, I'll give it a go.
'Look at that! ' "Daddy wants a biscuit," 'that's like the worst catchphrase I've ever heard.
'It's never gonna catch on, man.
' I'm a little roller slut.
I can't believe this CHEERING Daddy's a little roller slut again.
APPLAUSE CHEERING - I'm really embarrassed by this.
- What are you embarrassed by? Just embarrassed my little guy It feels like Daddy might have already had a biscuit.
Sam Simmons, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - David and Jessica have 22, Jon and Rhod have 24, and here is your final teaser.
The words are PISS LOAD, the clue is, "Get rid of it.
" That's PISS LOAD, "Get rid of it.
" See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser - the words were PISS LOAD.
The clue was "Get rid of it".
It was, of course, DISPOSAL.
Are you still sorting the cutlery out? I've done the best I can, Jimmy, but I have got serious questions about your diet, Rhod, if this is your cutlery tray.
I mean, who has six dessert forks and two regular forks? - I've separated these - With you, I know I can just do that and you'll go mental.
Watch me go mental.
Just leave it!! I genuinely know you won't like it.
I genuinely know you won't like it.
- Oh, God! - Oh, it's Uncle Apples all over again! OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon, Rhod, your turn to choose.
Let's have a consonant, please.
D And a vowel, please.
A And a consonant, please.
L A vowel, please.
- E.
- Might spell DALEK.
Let's see if we can spell EMMER.
LAUGHTER Another vowel, please.
I - Ah! - Oh! A consonant, please.
C And another consonant, please.
- M.
- Ooh! You liked that one, didn't you? - What do you want now? - Just make this count.
- Vowel, please.
- A.
- Oh, you twat! LAUGHTER - And a final consonant, please.
- And the last one R Ow! OK, and your 30 seconds starts now.
BUZZING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Jon, how many? - Eight.
It's a wood carving of my face.
From this angle, it looks like one of the Chuckle Brothers.
What, and that's why we can never be together? Could you imagine the episode of the Chuckle Brothers, where they are trying to pass a chainsaw to each other? Bloodbath! Rhod, how many? Well, you're not going to believe this, Jimmy.
I've got a nine.
You've got a nine, OK.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! - Jessica? - Six.
- A six.
OK.
David? - Nine.
Nine, OK.
So, Jessica, your six.
NAILED Jon, let's hear your eight, before we get on to the unbelievable nines.
Erm, CALENDAR.
Ooh! Oh, so clever! APPLAUSE That's good.
OK, Rhod, I would like to know your nine-letter word.
My word is Nine.
NARKELADI LAUGHTER When an old woman gets annoyed with you.
Like Vorderman, when you took her job.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Right, David, your nine-letter word.
L-A N-A-D .
.
I-C?E?R.
LANADICER.
LAUGHTER - LANADICER.
- Ooh, I like that one.
What does that mean? DAVID: You use it when you need to lanade something.
Could be a LANA-DICER.
Do you ever use the word LANA-DICER? It's either.
In the dictionary, it will say either pronunciation.
- Yeah, both pronunciations.
- Why not just make it ANAL DICER? I mean, it's right there.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE An ANAL DICER is actually a very good description of David Walliams.
LAUGHTER You've also got ANAL CIDER up there, which is a delicious festival drink.
APPLAUSE Well, that's eight points to Jon! APPLAUSE Susie, were there any nines? Could they have done better than eight? We got one more eight, which was RADIANCE.
OK, so David and Jessica have 22.
Jon and Rhod have 32.
APPLAUSE There is ten points on offer for the conundrum, so you are playing - for a draw here.
- OK.
Time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Your time startsnow.
LAUGHTER - I've got it.
- Go on, what is it? ADVENTURE LAUGHTER - Oh, no, it's not ADVENTURE.
- RHOD: Is it not ADVENTURE? - There's no - There's no V there.
- No V.
- Let's have a look.
JESSICA: UNTREATED JON: Oh, UNTREATED.
So, no-one got it.
So, the final scores are, David and Jessica have 22 points, but tonight's winners, with 32, are Rhod and Jon! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Congratulations.
You are now the proud owners of this, the Countdown Hammock! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE