All In The Family s09e03 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls, and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days [SIGHS LOUDLY.]
Hey there, Barney, old pal.
How's the happy bachelor, huh? - [WHIMPERS.]
- Easy, easy, easy.
Come on, come on.
There's guys watching you.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I know, but close down the waterworks, will you? What's the matter with you? You used to be a regular Bluebeard of happiness.
I can't help it, Arch.
I miss my wife.
You miss Blanche? Why? Because I love her, and she left me for an exterminator.
Oh, geez.
Would it make you any happier if it was a dentist or something like that she was shacking up with? Shacking up! All right, Barney.
I mean, after all, she ain't meditating with the guy.
I mean, she's out there doin' her own thing.
I don't care about that.
I still miss her.
Well, well, now, Barney, if you ain't got no pride left, then all you gotta do is wait until she gets tired of the exterminator, and she'll come back to you.
Yeah, that's what you said when she left, and all that came back were the cockroaches.
Listen, what you gotta do is you get your mind off the whole thing, see? You oughta go home and clean your cellar.
I've already done that.
Well, what about cleanin' mine? - Very funny.
- I'm only tryin' to help you there! Oh, yeah.
Show him that.
That'll make him feel good.
Go ahead.
Hey, Barney, Barney, look at the picture of us we're gonna hang up behind the bar.
Remember the fishing trip we took out to Sheepshead Bay? - Yeah.
- Huh? Huh? Remember when Hank Pivnik got seasick? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember he spent half the trip hangin' over the rail of the boat.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember, some guy come up to us and says, "Hey, fellas, I think your buddy's got a weak stomach.
" - Yeah, yeah.
- Remember what you said to him? - No.
- You said to him, "What do you mean, weak stomach? I bet you on the next heave, he hits Coney Island.
" Boy, that was a fun trip.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you hit the jackpot.
You caught the biggest "flounderer" I ever seen.
Hey, that was a whopper, boy.
I remember when I brought it home.
Blanche took one look at it, and she said, "Hey, it looks like Spiro Agnew.
" [LAUGHING.]
[SOBBING.]
Ah, God, he's cryin' again.
- Give me back my picture.
- Gee, what are you gonna do? Ooh, Arch.
I can still see her, standin' there at the sink, cleanin' that fish with the guts in her hands.
Barney, bein' sentimental ain't gonna do you no good.
Yeah.
I gotta go.
Yeah, that's the thing to do.
Yeah, go on home.
You know, Barney, there's no place like home.
That's right, Arch, but right now, I gotta go to the can.
Don't be lookin' at people, youse guys.
Drink your beer.
Harry, what the hell are we gonna do with him? He's beginnin' to get me down.
Will you tell me what he ever seen in Blanche? Well, Blanche is a kind of a good-lookin' woman.
Ah, get out-- You only seen 'em at them affairs we'd have at the lodge, when she'd be in makeup and all dolled up to beat the band.
You should've seen her as I seen her.
Many's the fine morning when she come out to get the milk, you know.
Oh, God.
In an old bathrobe you wouldn't throw that thing over a horse.
Curlers in the hair, you know? Them things look like a lot of little electrical "degenerators" there.
Them? She looked like she was getting radar from the moon.
And I don't know what the hell she put on herself, but every morning that face of hers looked like it was stuccoed during the night.
- Hi, Arch.
- Oh, hi there, Boom Boom.
HARRY: Hi, Boom Boom.
How's the kid? Hey, it really looks slow.
Are you sure you want me to work tonight? Oh, sure.
It'll pick up later on.
So what's new, huh? Oh, New York is always full of surprises.
On the way here, on the subway, some guy took off all his clothes.
No kidding.
What'd they do to him? They didn't know what to do, so the conductor turned off the lights.
They make the guy get dressed in the dark? No, he had to stay naked.
Why? Somebody stole his clothes.
New York, New York Hey, that Boom Boom.
Yeah.
Cute, huh? Yeah.
Hey, Arch.
There's a way to make Barney forget Blanche.
I'll have a word with her.
Hey, Boom, there, if you don't mind me gettin' familiar.
- No, it's okay.
- You know what I was just thinkin'? We all work so hard around here that you and me, we never get a chance to sit down and have any, what do you call, personal chitchat.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Yeah, sit down.
- All right.
- Yeah, yeah.
I was hoping that you'd be free.
What I mean to say-- Are you still seeing Charlie? No, Charlie had to go to jail.
Ah, that's great news.
Then you ain't got no boyfriend.
Well, there's this Chinese guy, Lee.
He's a cook down at the Taiwan Gardens.
But they only let him out of the kitchen twice a month.
Oh.
Well, seeing as how you're kinda on the loose, Boom Boom, uh, how'd you like to have a little fun and do a good turn for a real poor slob? Archie, you're a married man.
Uh, Boom Boom, I wasn't "referencing" to myself there.
I was talking about Barney Hefner.
He's married, too.
But he's separated, see? His wife run away with a guy that kills roaches.
Why? Is there money in that? Oh, yeah, roaches are very big in New York.
Oh, there he is now.
Go over and kinda be nice to him, huh? Hmm, he's still a married man, and I got scruples.
Scruples? Well, I'll tell you.
See, Barney's an ex-G.
I.
, and I think he got shots against all of that.
So go cheer him up like a good girl, huh? Hi, Barney.
Hi, Boom Boom.
Oh, Barney.
Is somethin' buggin' you? [SOBBING.]
Did you ever hear of scruples? Yeah.
Why? I think Boom Boom caught 'em from a Chinaman.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Coming! I just gotta dry my hands! [DOORBELL RINGING.]
Yeah, they're dry! I'm coming! Edith? Blanche Hefner! Ooh, come in! Ohh.
Blanche Ooh, you look wonderful! Why shouldn't I? I feel wonderful! [SOBBING.]
Oh, Blanche.
Oh, come here and sit down.
Oh, what's the matter? Where have you been? Atlantic City.
He left me there.
- Who? - Calvin.
Oh, the exterminator.
We had an argument this morning, and you know what he said to me? No, what? "Bug off.
" Well, why would he say that? That's what exterminators say when they're finished with you and they want to dump you.
Oh.
Waah! Oh, Blanche, I'm sorry.
Do you want a drink? I'd love it! Tea or coffee? - Whiskey.
- Oh, oh.
Yeah, I think Archie has a bottle out here.
I'm not sure it's whiskey.
They both look the same to me.
It doesn't matter.
Do you want it warm or cold? Like it is.
Here you are.
[COUGHS.]
- BLANCHE: Ah! - EDITH: Oh! Ah! Ah! Oh! Ahh.
Oh, Edith, I've been walking around crying all day, in a daze.
Ohh.
No husband no sweetheart no friends.
Oh, I'm still your friend, Blanche.
Thank you, Edith.
Blanche, do you mind if I ask you something? What? Why did you leave Barney? [SIGHS.]
You know, Edith some men forget their wives when they're separated.
Barney forgot me while he was still living with me.
He didn't need me.
But, Blanche, Barney misses you! - Oh, yeah? - Sure.
When did he start missing me? Right away.
He told me that he found your note on the pillow the Wednesday that you left.
That's what I mean.
I left the Sunday before.
He said that after being married to you, he never wanted to look at another woman.
Did he really say that? And Archie says he's been down at the bar every night since you left.
That's where he was every night before I left.
When Calvin came over to fumigate the house, I-- Oh, Edith, if you'd seen him standing there in his forest green uniform, looking so young with all his equipment.
That bright red ladybug embroidered on his pocket.
[INHALES.]
You would've done the same thing.
Oh, no.
I would've used Black Flag.
Blanche, why don't you make up with Barney and move back across the street? I guess I'll have to.
My clothes are still there.
The dishes Mama gave us when we got married.
My prescription sunglasses.
And my checkbook.
And Barney? Yeah, I know.
[SIGHS.]
Think he'd take me back? Oh, sure.
Why don't you go down to the bar right now and find out? Oh, I couldn't face him.
What would I say? I know one thing you could say.
What? "I'm sorry.
" [BIG BAND SLOW MUSIC PLAYING.]
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
See, it's workin'.
She's cheerin' him up.
Yeah.
But they hadn't oughta be dancing.
We ain't got a license for that.
Maybe I oughta go turn off the music.
No, no, with no music, it'd look like they're doing something else we ain't got a license for.
Hey, Barney knows how to dip.
That's class.
Yeah.
When I was a kid, and I was runnin' around to dances there, I was a star at that, you know? Yeah, they used to call me the Big Dipper.
Star Big Digger, get it? No.
Geez, nothing gets through.
Boy, I haven't had this much fun in a long time.
Yeah, me, too! [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Mmm.
Hey, Boom Boom uh, listen, later on, when you get through, I mean, do you suppose it's possible that we could go to some quiet little place and just talk, huh? Barney, I'm not that kind.
Oh, no, no.
I mean just to talk, no monkey business.
Oh.
Well okay.
My place or yours? Oh, yours.
Mine has cockroaches.
That's Barney and a girl! Oh, no, no! You stay here, Blanche.
He's just dancin'.
Ooh, I never knew Barney was such a good dancer.
Neither did I.
Every time I asked him to dance, he said he had a headache.
Hi, Edith.
Hi, Blanche.
Did I just say "hi" to a Blanche? - Yeah.
- Excuse me.
Hiya, Blanche.
Well, the bad penny ain't picking up no more rolling moss.
How come you're alone, Blanche? - Where's your pal Cockroach Cal? - Yeah.
I think I'd better go, Edith.
Oh, no, Blanche! You stay here.
Blanche, this is Mildred Turner.
Mildred, this is Blanche Hefner, Barney's wife.
BARNEY: Ix-nay.
Archie, oh, I gotta get out of here.
I thought you told me they were separated.
Stick around.
This thing is still up in the air.
- Relax.
- Relax where? Uh, in the can.
Now, come on, let's all go down here and sit down and talk it all over nice and quietly.
You, too, Archie.
Oh, oh, no.
Not me.
How can he talk anything over quietly with his big mouth? Edith, what are you doing over there, huh? Why are you tryin' to get my best pal back together with this here woman, who broke the Ten Commandments? Don't give me no faces.
Open your Bible.
What do you see in there? You see in there that a wife should cleave unto her husband, and this woman here, where's that she went again? Atlantic City.
She took her cleavage to Atlantic City.
Oh, here, Barney.
You sit down here, and, Blanche, you sit down here.
And I'll--let's see, boy, girl, boy, girl.
We need another boy, Archie.
You need another boy? Then why don't you call Cal from this here, huh? Yeah! He oughta be in on this with all his tools and his poison gases.
Archie, Blanche-- Edith, Edith, you are a buttinsky.
You shouldn't be here in the first place.
Where's little whosis? - Stephanie? - Whatever.
She's sleeping over with the O'Brien kids.
The O'Briens? That family is Catholic.
They'll be draggin' her off to the church.
Yeah, I think that's what they're gonna do tomorrow.
You want her to come home full up on muscatel and wafers? - I'll have to go myself, Edith.
- Oh, Archie, wait a minute.
Now listen to me.
Blanche and Barney want to make up, and we gotta help them.
Now, you listen to me, Edith.
We're supposed to live by rules in this world-- rules, rules, rules, rules! I don't mean that we gotta be Germans, you know? But then we don't want to be Puerto Ricans, neither, see? Now, Blanche broke the rules.
She's gotta pay for that.
Case closed.
Archie, that man is staring at you.
No, he's only the blind guy.
Yeah.
Huh? How's the dog? I guess he misses you.
He cries a lot.
How are the fish? The fish missed you, too, until they died.
Did you change their water? Every week like clockwork.
Did you keep the temperature even? Did you feed them? Mm! Oh, no.
Archie, everybody breaks rules.
- No, they don't.
- It's only human.
- No, it ain't.
- Yes, it is! You break rules, and you're human.
No, I ain't.
- Uh, yeah, I'm human.
- Yes, you are.
Archie, who are you to cast the first stone? You went up to that woman's apartment at 11364 67th Street.
Now, listen.
That wasn't my fault.
That woman "temptated" me up there.
I didn't know she was a won ton woman.
Would it surprise you if I told you that I broke a rule? With who? F.
W.
Woolworth.
Who? The 5-and-10-cent store.
Oh, geez.
When I was 6 years old.
I stole an O Henry bar from their candy counter.
Oh, have mercy, Lord.
The woman plundered a nickel's worth.
But when I was a little older, I went back to the store to pay 'em back.
Ohh Geez, I'd bet they was glad to get that nickel so's they could balance their books after all them years.
I had to pay 'em a dime.
The price had gone up.
Did you know this, Lord? That, uh that I'd been living here for years with a regular Ma Barker? By the way, how are you? Lonely.
Yeah, I could see.
Hey, now, wait a minute, Blanche.
You ain't been so lonely.
I got lonely this morning.
Now, level with me, Blanche.
Are you through with him? It's all over, Barney.
From now on, I'm gonna use Black Flag.
Blanche you're beautiful.
Tsk.
You haven't said that to me for 12 years.
Yeah, well, you know how I am.
I don't like to repeat myself.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ohh, ain't they a lovely couple? Yeah, Popeye and Olive Oyl.
I think you're beautiful, too, Barney.
Let's go home, Blanche.
I'll buy you some new fish.
Edith, we're going home, and I owe it all to you! - Oh! Ha ha ha.
- Good-night, Edith.
Good night! Sleep tight! Don't let the bed bugs bite.
Oh.
You love to butt in, don't you? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, I learned something out of this whole situation here.
What? Well, you know, if ever some young guy should get the hots for you-- Oh, don't talk like that, Archie.
Hold it, will ya? I know it ain't likely.
I'm just saying if.
And if you and him should decide to lam out - to Atlantic City-- - Oh, I would never do that.
If, if, if, if, if, if.
Let me finish.
If anything like that should happen, I would be very glad if I had a friend like you.
Oh, Archie.
You won't never need a friend like me, 'cause you'll always have me.
See, he hears everything.
- Thank you! - [MUSIC PLAYS.]
[LAUGHS.]
We're breaking the law, Edith, but, uh, to hell with it.
Ohh.
Oh, Archie, you're a wonderful dancer.
Yeah, I know.
You know, they used to call me the Big Dipper.
- Ohh.
- Years ago, because I was always doing this here.
Ohh! [LAUGHS.]
[.]
All In The Family was played to a studio audience for live responses.