Archer s09e03 Episode Script

1 - Oh, please, get serious.
- I'm plenty serious! That was the very definition of a sucker punch! Well?! Even if it was, which it wasn't, you would've deserved it! Wha For what, saving your dumb ass from giant lizards?! - Giant lizards I wouldn't have had to deal with - You call that dealing with?! if you had fixed the goddamn fuel pump! Oh, okay! So it's all my fault! Yes! Well, still a sucker punch.
Ow! Now, that's a sucker pun - Oww! Son of a - Ow! Goddamn it! Hang on! Wait! Stop it! - What?! - That! Goddamn it.
What? And frankly, I really don't see how this is any of your business.
What're you I own the business! - I meant - And I own that business over there! - And I own zis business! - You don't own the police station! - Yeah.
- Well, I Shut up.
And Mother, I think we're losing sight of how amazing that landing would've been if, ya know - It worked? - Right? And if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, - we'd all have a merry Christmas.
- Aww.
And maybe Santa would bring me a new sixty-thousand dollar seaplane! Don't be so dramatic, she's not a total loss, she just needs new wings.
- And a fuel pump.
- Woman? Shipped out here from the States! God knows when.
It took three months to get new tubes for the damn radio.
And God knows how much it'll cost! Well, and the airplane factory.
- Presumably.
Would know.
- You're paying for them.
Well, but you own the business Which I will liquidate like a piña colada.
You're paying for them! - But - And in the meantime You'd better figure out how to replace the money I won't be making on Archer Airways, - or you can just pack your suitcase! - Hmph! It happens to be a duffel bag! - That's tellin' her.
- Eh.
- Now, move zis aeroplane from la rue! - From what? La rue! La rue! - What the hell's "larue?" - I think it's like, a base for sauces? Ya know, like, for gravy or whatever? So I'm thinking new wings for Lucy are gonna cost - about five grand - Which we don't have And which we can't make without Lucy.
We gotta fly to make money, but we gotta have the money to fly, so Yeah, that's a real Catch-22.
Uh, I don't think that's a thing yet.
So Money.
Any ideas? - Mmmm-nope.
- C'mon, let's just spitball it.
- Noop.
- Pam.
- No.
- C'mon, there are no bad ideas.
Oh, well, isn't that a change?! - What is? - All of a sudden it's anything goes! - What're you? - No bad ideas? Oh, Jesus Christ.
Are you talking about - that was a terrible idea! - No, it wasn't! We were the laughingstock of the Andes! - And we lost our asses! - Okay, yeah, I mean, maybe it was a little ahead of its time, but - Oh, my God - it was local, it was sustainable - It was rats! - It wasn't rats! Dos por uno, dos por uno! Chinchilladas! El sabor sensación que está barriendo la nación! Goddamn it.
Plus, the fur farms practically gave us the meat for free.
It's probably free at the glue factory, it doesn't mean people wanna eat it.
Because it's broken-down old horse meat! Chinchilla, on the other hand, is some of the finest fur you can buy! So is mink! But people don't eat it! - I've eaten mink.
- I do not doubt that! - How was it? - Minky.
All right, Miss Priss Let's go, let's see the goods.
Oh, alright, but be nice - I didn't have much to work with.
- Hm.
You can say that again.
Can't you pad it with something? - Pad what? - Your brassiere.
No, I meant my wardrobe! I packed for a honeymoon, not a a descent into profound and lasting shame! You're still gonna want to pad it.
Why not? You heard your mom, - there's obviously a demand.
- Because I don't think it's feasible to build a radio tube factory here.
Yeah, there's probably zoning issues.
- That's your number one concern? - I haven't ranked them! Well, mine is rickets, and scurvy, and scabies, and whatever other bullshit diseases poor people get.
Hmmm I wonder if that idol's worth anything.
Wait, what? W-What idol? I don't know.
In the jungle, the princess and the kraut were talking about some kind of idol.
- What kind of idol?! - Some kind, I dunno, they didn't - Like a native idol?! - They So that's why that little German sneak is on the island! Are we talking jade?! Emerald?! Ruby?! - Gold?! - They didn't say! I bet it's a gold monkey! No! Not a gold monkey! - You don't know that! - Yes, I do! - Not a gold monkey.
- But it could be gold, though.
Yeah, I guess, as long as it's not monkey-shaped.
- What're we talking about? - Why you're not a dog.
- Shut up, dodos.
- Flightless.
- So where is it?! - I don't know! - Where's what? - The idol! - Oooh - But since they had us fly 'em around over the jungle Oh, for I assume it's in the jungle.
A golden idol, somewhere in the jungle.
I bet it's worth millions! I think you must sharpen your pencil.
- Excuse me? - "Sharpen your pencil?" It is idiom? - This is a fairly common phrase, no? - No.
It means there's a problem with your arithmetic.
My government will pay one hundred thousand Reichsmarks for the idol, und not one pfennig more.
Hmm.
I wonder how much Japan would pay What does Japan have to do with this? Well, I'm sure they'd like to lease an airfield on the island, if, say, they ever declared war on America? Mein GÃtt.
Are you serious? The French have subjugated my people for a hundred years.
I would do literally anything to be rid of them.
Literally? Or figuratively? - Why? What did you have in mind? - Oh.
Well, it is hard to say, my mind is quite racing, - there are many thoughts in there.
- Pick one.
Perhaps we could pay five hundred thousand? - Wait, what are you? - Shh.
Pretending I'm on the phone.
Hello, Japan? Hi, yeah.
So listen All right! One million Reichsmarks! Payable only once we have secured the idol.
And so far, we have no idea where to even look for it.
As for that, I found this, hidden among my great-grandfather's papers Fantastich! So do we have a deal? If, when the time comes, Germany helps my people overthrow the French.
Ja, I think I can safely promise that soon you won't have to worry about France.
Then yes, Herr Sebert, we have a deal.
Wunderbar.
Now then, I believe there was some mention of a pencil? Oh, ja, ich habe eine großen Bleistift I'll be the judge of that.
Okay, Fuchs is renting a bungalow on the edge of town, so I say we break in, snoop around, and see what we can find out about this gold non-monkey.
- So rob him.
- Well, technically burgle, but Shut up, but yeah.
For clues.
- Ooh, like maybe there's a map.
- Yes! Like a treasure map! Yeah, right, with a big X on it, - treasure chest, skull-and-bones - Don't be shitty! And also, why would the map have pirate shit all over it? Well, we are in the shipping lane.
So, you weren't kidding around about that pencil, huh? - That is not a topic for levity.
- Fair enough.
It is interesting, I notice zat, even in the throes of passion, you have no trace of a Polynesian accent.
Oh.
That's because I was sent away to boarding in the States when I was five, all the way through college.
Und yet you mention alliance with Japan.
I would think your affinity would lie with the United States.
Right, because that worked out so well for Hawaii.
I always found it ironic that if you really want to get bent over, just ask a missionary.
Fair enough.
So why is the German government so interested in the tupua? - The? - Tupua.
The idol.
- Oh.
Well, umm - Oh, don't worry about them.
In order join the royal guards, when they're 12 years old, they have to agree to have their tongues cut out, so GÃtt im Himmel! - That was a joke.
- Oh, sorry, I Wow, ethnocentric much? Tu'ua i matou.
So.
Tupua Germany's interest in.
Ah, yes, well, the Führer, um - The Charlie Chaplin guy.
- Nein! Nein.
We never, ever say this thing.
- Really? - Trust me.
Anyway, the Führer is, um, a bit of an anthropology buff.
And so Germany will build a museum.
- Fair enough - The most powerful museum in the world! For children.
Of all ages.
Okay, so here's the plan We need to keep Fuchs away from his bungalow for a few hours, so after he finishes eating dinner here How do you know he's gonna eat here? Where else is he gonna eat? Luigi's? - I like Luigi's.
- Yeah, you're also teeming with mites.
- Not teeming.
- So, shut up.
After dinner, - we need to make sure he stays here - Mkay.
Don't you wanna know how? - I'd like to know what, and why.
- What? What are you goofs doing here, and follow up, why are you doing it here? For your information, we're working on a plan to earn enough money to pay you, and to get new wings, so It better not be chinchilladas! - Oh, my God - Heh.
Oh, my God! - See?! - Chinchilladas! I'd forgotten all about that! - It's not chinchilladas! - Jesus Christ Well, whatever it is, do it somewhere else.
- We can't.
- Why not?! Hey Because we wanna hire her.
Wait, what? Wait, eww! Who is "we"?! - Like, we-we, or - Yeah! No, not It's for after dinner.
- Oh, right.
- That makes more sense.
We want her to entertain the kraut for an hour or so.
That greasy little German guy?! - No! - Why are you talking? Alright, A, what are you up to, and B, what's it got to do with Fuchs? A, nothing, and B, also nothing.
- For one hour? A thousand francs.
- What?! - Wait, is that a lot? - Yes! - That depends - Yes! on if you think 35 bucks is a lot.
- What?! - Right?! Well, we have to see what the market will bear And if I only get 40% Fourteen goddamn dollars?! Well, minus your room and board, - so let's just call it an even nine.
- Nine dollars? To have sexual intercourse.
With a total stranger.
I don't know why you're so pissed, I was a stranger and you banged me for free.
Yeah, well, at least with him I get two eyeballs.
- Hey! - One thousand, please.
In advance.
- Where is the trust? - Where is the money? - Pam? - What? Aww, man I was saving that for a whole big girlie treat day for myself.
Go to the beauty parlor, get a new dress No one cares.
- Teeming.
- One for dinner, please.
Und tell the chef I want the biggest steak in the house, rare und bloody.
I must replenish my Lebenskraft.
Try not to fall in love.
And you might as well start now, see if you can get a free meal out of it.
- You said my board's included! - Just the continental breakfast, dear.
- Wha? - Free bear claws! - Rrgh! - Rrowwr! - Rrrrghh! - Rrrowwrrr! Rowr.
So, breadfruit What's that about? Oh, about one kilo, on average.
Zat was a joke.
Hey, are you gonna eat those potatoes - and stuff or whatever? - Ja? Because I should probably maybe eat something.
- I'm getting kinda drunk.
- Ja.
And sometimes when I'm drunk, I can get a little crazy.
- Ja? - Jaaa.
So I at least need a haircut Care-cut.
- Carrot! - Oh.
Don't worry liebchen I have eine große Karotte for you.
Wow.
How are you still single? Okay, Crackers, this is where you come in - You see that bathroom window? - Yep.
I want you to fly in there, and then meet us at the front door.
Yep! - And keep it down! - Yep, yep, yep! It's like if a Wha? - I'm sorry! - Goddamn it - Sorry! Jesus.
- C'mon, let's go.
- I swear to God - And you know they live to be like, eighty.
- How old's he? - What, 40? Ugh.
Goddamn it, bird! Well, who puts that there?! Are you in position?! For what? - To open the door! - What? - Open the goddamn door! - How? - What do you mean, how?! - Yeah, what was your plan there? I don't know, jump on the handle! - It's a knob! - Clearly a knob.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let me think.
What, what if we Wh?! Would you do that?! Because we don't have all night! We also don't want Fuchs to know somebody broke into his house! Oh, he's gonna know Öffne deinen mund, mein leibchen! Hier kommt der Zug in den Bahnhof! Doot dooooot! And how is everything, Miss Vandertunt? Wonderful, wonderful.
And would you and your guest care to enjoy brandy and cigars in your room upstairs? - Grrrr - Ja, we will enjoy zis very much.
Doot doot.
Because why are you so mad?! Because why'd you shit on the sofa?! - I was scared! - Of what?! How mad you'd be that I shit on the sofa! Bird, I swear Ow! - What the? - What is it? It happens to be a large brown suitcase, Pam.
With some kinda spy radio inside.
- Dun dun dunnnnnn! - Bird? Knock it off, you licknuts.
And come here, look at all this shit.
- What the? - Right? And check this out - What's it all mean? - Beats me, but I'm thinking - that kraut is into some weird shit.
- Redundant.
Ja, mein liebchen, und wir tanzen und so schÃn ist der Jazz Und Gott verdammt deisen Büstenhalter! - Wait, what? - Und wir tanzen And you guys, check this out! Holy shit! That's the island! - Gooosebumps! - Racist.
All birds have bumps.
And look, I bet that's the idol! Okay, come on, let's go! What're you? No! We can't take the map, he'll know he got robbed! - Ya think?! - Well, technically burgled, but Bird! Pam, copy it! - The bird? - The map! Goddamn it! You copy the map, we'll clean up all the mess! - Man, where to start, right? Rrrk! - Said the feather duster.
Komm schon! Du doof Schlampe! Wohl, das wird dich aufwecken! Son of a Knock knock! Nein, nein! - Well, what have we here? - Nothing! What do you want?! I brought you some more brandy, but it looks like your hostess has already had a bit too much.
- Maybe we should let her sleep.
- She's fine.
Get out! Let's let her sleep.
Gottverdammt, woman! - Are you deaf, or just stupid?! - Pick one.
Manu, dear, could I borrow you? Would you be a little lamb and show Miss Vandertunt's guest to the door? Fine! Und from now on, - I will eat die Scheißen-Pasta at Luigi's! - Ugh, Luigi's.
A-ta-ta-taaa C'mon c'mon Upsydaisy! Ugh.
Do I get my nine dollars now? - No.
- Doot doot! I cannot wait to find that verdammt idol and get off this Scheiße island! Und why am I speaking English?! Pam, how's the map, you almost done? Hang on Yeah, okay, done! - What the shit?! - Oh, I know, it just keeps getting worse! I said blot! Why didn't you blot?! Why didn't I sew your asshole shut like a Christmas goddamn goose?! - Huh? - What? - Is that not how they do it? - First of all, I'm pretty sure the asshole is gone, out of any bird, way before you start cooking Was ist los? Ach! Das fenster ist zerbrochen - Okay, we're going to Plan B! - What, no, I hate Plan B! - Rrrk! - We're doing.
Plan B.
And you better sell it, bird! Come on, out the back! Hallo? Aw, man Okay, here it goes Oh, man Plan B is the best.
Aaaaagh! Fledermaus, fledermaus! Excuse me? Come here, please.
Si, signore? So, for context, last night I was attacked by what I can only assume was a giant jungle bat, which did this to my face, and left me and my house covered in blood and shit.
Ah.
Terribile Ja ja, it was indeed terrible.
But not compared to this breakfast! And probably not compared to this goddamn map.
- Aw, c'mon, I was in a hurry.
- To suck? I'll tell you what sucks Ooh.
Being mistaken for a bat.
Ooh.
But not as much as that map.