Dad's Army (1968) s09e03 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (PEOPLE CHATTERING) HODGES: Yes, I know it's the whole point of the thing, but we can't Ladies and gentlemen, order! Order! Please! -Can we get on, please? -I quite agree.
We've been here for two hours already.
Well, I think we're all agreed on the poster, which I think is very nice.
Tasteful and artistic.
I think it needs more colours.
You can't have a lot of colours in wartime, Mrs Yeatman.
Now, the climax of the Wings For Victory Week will be the Grand March Past on Saturday afternoon.
Now, the Mayor, who will be on the podium, will take the salute along with myself and other officers of the town council.
Now first, the Sea Scouts Drum and Bugle band, then akeep-fit display by the Ladies Netball Team led by Mrs Yeatman.
Point of order, Mr Chairman.
Are they going to wear dresses or shorts? Well, my girls will wear shorts of course.
You can't do PT in dresses.
Ladies' legs can lead to ribaldry among the crowd, you know.
I shouldn't like my sister Dolly to be shocked.
What's the matter with a bit of leg? Lovely.
Those white thighs gleaming in the sunlight.
What about them little ankle socks, too? The little ankle socks.
Can we raise the level of this discussion, please? -I quite agree, Your Reverence.
-Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
Can't you keep your dirty old men in order, Mr Mainwaring? I'm completely indifferent to this discussion.
-He's hardly said a word.
He's sulking.
-I am not sulking.
Oh, yes, you are.
You're sulking just because you haven't been made chairman.
If I had been made chairman, we wouldn't have been sitting here for the last two hours.
No, we'd have been here for four hours.
Now after that, we have the display of morris dancing.
Now, are there any more suggestions? Yes, er, Mr Chairman, through the chair, can I take the floor? Are we are we all in agreement that Mr Jones should take the floor? -Yes.
-Yes.
-Right.
Carried.
Mr Jones, the floor is yours.
-Oh, thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Litter Bug.
This, that is a Squander Bug.
Now then, why don't two of us dress up as these bugs? And the Litter Bug can throw paper about, and the Squander Bug can throw money about.
Hey, hud on.
Hud on.
Who's supplying the money? It's going to be imitation money, Jock.
(STAMMERING) I don't think we could have two bugs.
We'll have to make do with one bug.
After all, bug costumes cost money.
If you're gonna spend all that money on a Squander Bug costume, surely that rather defeats the whole object.
Well, Frank's got a Squander Bug costume.
I made it for him for the Scout Show last year.
-I'm not going to wear that.
-Oh.
Makes me look a fool.
I saw the show.
I thought you looked rather sweet in it.
Don't make me wear it, Mr Mainwaring, please.
Don't make me wear it.
Oh, you must just sort it out amongst yourselves.
-Can we get on, please? -I quite agree.
Well, that's settled then.
Frank Pike will be the Squander Bug.
-Oh, no.
-Now, the grand finale.
I've already decided what the grand finale will be and my platoon will be doing it.
What are you talking about? The Wardens are doing the grand finale.
The finale will be done by the Home Guard and that's that.
-All right -Don't start all this Gentlemen, gentlemen, please! -WILSON: Sit down, for goodness sake.
-Please.
I suggest that the Wardens and the Home Guard share the finale.
-Oh, no -I second that.
-I third it.
-Oh, be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
All those in favour? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Against? Put your hand up, Wilson.
I can't be bothered.
The whole thing's a crashing bore.
I'll do it.
Don't be cross with him, Mr Mainwaring.
He gets too tired for anything this time of night.
That's a fact.
Seven.
Well, it seems that I have the casting vote.
So that's settled then.
The grand finale will be shared by the Wardens and the Home Guard.
And what are the Home Guard going to do? Oh, I'm not telling you that in front of him.
And what is your contribution going to be, Mr Hodges? And I'm not telling you in front of him.
Oh, dear.
We seem to have reached an impasse.
Well, I feel sure that whatever it is, it will be very nice.
You say ''eIther''and I say ''eyether'' You say ''neIther''and I say ''nyther'' I got your estimate this morning, Mr Jackson.
I must say the cost seems pretty high.
What? But I don't want the legs cut down.
Is Mr Mainwaring buying a table, Uncle Arthur? It must have 22 legs.
Big table.
And the tail must be 1 2 feet long.
No, it's an aeroplane.
Don't be ridiculous, Frank.
Just get on with the filing, will you? No, it's too expensive.
No, I'm sorry.
I shall just have to cancel it.
Yes.
All right, goodbye.
Well, we're going to have to get somebody else to build it, Wilson.
Have you asked Frazer or Jones? That's not a bad idea.
There's room in Frazer's workshop, isn't there? No, Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Frazer and Mr Jones couldn't make an aeroplane.
Don't you ever make an intelligent remark, Pike? -Haven't you told him, Wilson? -No, not yet.
No.
I have decided, Pike, that as the Wings For Victory Parade coincides with St George's Day, we shall stage a fight between St George and the dragon.
Good against evil as it were.
Representing this country's fight against Hitler.
-Can I play St George? -No.
Have you decided who is going to play St George? I should have thought that was obvious, Wilson.
You? A friend of mine is lending me the armour.
I don't think he'd want anybody else to wear it.
Why don't you wear cardboard armour? A man in my position couldn't be seen fighting a dragon in cardboard armour.
Well, real armour, I mean, it's It might be a bit dangerous.
Oh, I don't intend to do anything strenuous.
I shall just walk the horse round the dragon and shout, ''Cry God for Harry, England and St George!'' Then I shall make a symbolic gesture with my sword to the dragon, like I see.
What would the dragon do? Make a symbolic gesture back, I suppose.
England our Island home Land of the free Come on, hurry up, Pike.
PIKE: You can't come in yet.
I'm not ready.
MAVIS: He won't be a minute, Mr Mainwaring.
The dragon's outside, sir, and the men are getting into it.
Well done, Corporal.
-Come along, Frank.
-Ah, here he is.
I must say, you made it awfully well, Mavis.
Oh, thank you, Arthur.
The vicar was right.
He does look sweet in it, doesn't he? He's a dear little Squander Bug.
It's too short, Mum.
The point is, what should he do? Well, he should say, ''Don't be a Squander Bug like me, but save for victory.
'' -And then he should throw the money about.
-That's very good.
Try it, Pike.
(MUFFLED) Don't be a Squander Bug like (SULKILY) Don't be a Squander Bug like me, save for victory.
That's no good.
Well, sir, he should skip about a bit.
That's right.
Skip about.
Make gestures with your arms as if you're throwing money about.
Don't squander money like me, save I feel such a fool.
-The men are inside the dragon, sir.
-All right.
Good.
Good.
Heavens above, what is it? It's the Squander Bug, of course.
It looks like a potato on two sticks.
-Have you finished with him now, Mr Mainwaring? -Yes, thank you.
Come along, Frank.
Leave it alone.
You'll pull it out of shape.
(JONES BARKING ORDERS) -Where are you going? -Well, you said right wheel.
Well, I said get to the back.
Don't come apart, get to the back.
You get on the front, Jones, will you? Stop! Stop! Stop, stop, stop.
What's the matter, sir? -You've got the tail in your mouth.
-Oh, sorry, sir.
That's better.
Right, get out of the skin and I'll explain what we're going to do.
-Help me on with this helmet, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
-Can't do it with my glasses on.
-Ah, right.
There we are.
Now then, let me try like this.
That's it.
There we are.
Well.
-MAINWARING: Open the visor.
-Right, sir.
-I'm terribly sorry, sir, I'm afraid it's stuck.
-Quite.
-It's a wee bit rusted.
-What? I'll get some oil.
MAINWARING: Open it up.
Didn't know the dragon had arrived, Uncle Arthur.
Good, innit? Now get out of the way, Frank.
Oh, Lord.
I'm afraid it's rusted up, sir.
MAINWARING: I can't hear you.
Oh, look.
There's a little door here.
(SHOUTING) Can you hear me now, sir? You nearly deafened me, Jones.
-Can you hear me now, sir? -I can hear, but I can't see.
He can hear! He can hear, but he can't see.
I'm afraid this is going to be awfully difficult but still, we'll have a try.
-Let me have a go.
-All right, you have a go then, Frank.
WILSON: Oh, yes.
Very clever of you.
Sir, we'll have it up in a minute, sir.
A wee drop there and a wee drop there.
That's right.
-Oh, look.
There's another little door.
-Take these.
This helmet is full of little doors, isn't it? Can you hear me now, sir? That's it.
Got it.
How's that, sir? You look a little bit red, sir.
Are you all right? -Just put my glasses on, will you? -PIKE: Hang on.
Here they are, Mr Mainwaring.
Careful.
There they are.
Lovely.
Oh, shut your doors.
Will you stop playing games, boy? Help me onto the horse and let's Let's rehearse the fight.
Here.
I have your sword here, sir.
Look at it.
-Ah, thank you.
-There's your head bonker.
-That looks a vicious weapon.
-No, it's quite harmless, sir.
It's only an old tennis ball.
Yeah.
Wouldn't hurt a fly that.
Look.
You stupid boy.
Sorry.
Your door as well.
Now, this is how we're going to stage the fight.
Pay attention, men.
I shall walk the horse onto the village green and the dragon will go round me.
You understand that, Jones? -The dragon will go round you.
Yes, sir.
-That's right.
And then I shall shout, ''Cry God for Harry, England and St George!'' And at that point, the dragon will paw the ground and charge.
-Paw the ground and charge.
-Right.
-Right, get into the skin.
-Right, get into the skin.
-Help me onto the horse.
-Right, sir.
Come round this side, sir.
Here you are, sir.
-Stand on the box.
-One, two, three, up! Hang on, Mr There.
-Up! Up! -Give me your leg.
That's it.
Take your hands out, will you? Hang on a minute.
Excuse me, sir.
Don't you think you ought to be wearing a Don't you think you ought to be wearing a cardboard helmet? I'm not wearing a cardboard helmet and that's that.
JONES: The dragon's ready, sir! Cry God for Harry, England and St George! Right, paw the ground.
Hud on! Hud on! Smoke is supposed to be coming out of the mouth, sir.
Jonesy, where's the smoke? I can't make it work.
Oh, you That smoke pouring out of the nostrils, that'll frighten the wits out of the crowd, Wilson.
The whole thing frightens the wits out of me, sir.
-It's all ready now, sir.
-Ready.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George! Paw the ground.
(MEN COUGHING) Where's the smoke? (COUGHING) You must realIse Smoke gets In your eyes Well, that should do the trick, Jock.
I only hope it works.
Yon Mainwaring must be mad to wear a real suit of armour.
It's vanity.
Sheer vanity.
Captain Mainwaring, sir.
Ready to hoist you, sir.
Ready to hoist you.
Right.
Help me up.
Why have you brought that stupid-looking dog? Well, the knights always used to have them, sir.
Why must you give yourself airs all the time? Why don't you behave normally, like me? Listen, on Saturday afternoon we shall assemble here, mount up and march into the town in procession.
That means we've only got today to sort out any problems which may arise.
-All right, Pike, go get the horse.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring.
-Right, sir.
-Right.
This is ridiculous, sir.
I mean The armour's far too heavy for you.
Don't be defeatist, Wilson.
If our forbearers could wear it, so can I.
-Private Sponge! -Yes, Mr Jones.
You're in charge of hauling Captain Mainwaring up.
And don't let him dangle.
Right.
Come on, boys.
Right.
Heave! -You've forgotten your helmet.
-Right.
Lower him.
Lower him.
Don't let him dangle.
Don't let him dangle.
That's right.
You all right, sir? He can't hear you.
I'm going to open the little door.
-Can you hear me, sir? -Of course I can hear you.
Get on with it.
He's in one of his moods.
Haul away.
Oh, dear.
It'd be much better if Captain Mainwaring would let my sister Dolly knit him a suit of chain mail.
Don't you worry, Godfrey, son, if anything goes wrong, we'll get him out with a tin opener.
Walk underneath, Frank.
JONES: Lower.
Why didn't you hold the horse, Frank? You didn't say nothing about holding him.
You just said bring him through.
Pull him up! Pull him up! Hold the horse's head, Frank.
I am holding it.
Lower.
Lower.
Lift him up! Lift him up! JONES: Lower, lower.
All set, Mr Mainwaring? Come on, gee up.
Come on.
Ready, Jones? All ready, sir! Oh, what a noble figure Captain Mainwaring makes.
Aye.
Noble but stupid.
Cry God for Harry, England and St George! Dragon one, St George nil.
I think after all, we'd perhaps better let Godfrey's sister knit me a suit of armour.
VERGER: Bandattention! Band and drummers, ready! By the centre, quick march! I can't think why you didn't go over to the theatrical costumiers at Eastcote like the rest of us.
I didn't want to disappoint Godfrey's sister Dolly.
She's worked on this night and day.
LadIes and gentlemen, the WalmIngton-on-Sea LadIes Netball Team present a keep-fIt dIsplay.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING ON LOUDSPEAKER) Oh, they are very nice, they are, Mr Mayor.
Well, if you like that sort of thing.
Will you look at those thighs.
Come away from there, Frazer.
Mr Mainwaring, I feel a fool.
Do stop grumbling, Pike.
Frank, we let you off doing the Squander Bug so you could be a herald -and you're still not satisfied.
-I don't like showing my legs.
You know, sir, it's a pity we have to go on before the Wardens.
Well, Hodges won the toss.
Nothing to be done about it.
Doesn't matter.
After we've done our St George and the dragon, anything he does will be an anticlimax.
Right, when I tap you with my sword, you fall over.
Is that clear? Can't wait to see Mainwaring's face when we get out there.
He'll be green with envy.
I must say, Mr Hodges, I think St George and the dragon is a simply spiffing idea.
So original.
Hurry up, Mr Yeatman.
Go get changed into your herald's costume.
-Uncle Arthur? -Hmm? This trumpet makes a lovely peashooter.
Look.
Ow! -Who did that? -Stop playing the fool, boy.
I better see if I can get onto the horse in this costume.
Come on.
Hold the horse's head, Frazer.
Hey, you'll never get on wearing that.
It's too long.
Just hold the horse's head.
It's too long, Godfrey.
I'm so sorry, sir.
-No use being sorry.
What am I going to do? -Well, pull your skirts up.
It's no good.
Why don't you try side-saddle, sir? Don't be absurd.
Whoever heard of St George riding side-saddle? I think I can make some adjustments, sir.
(CROWD CLAPPING) Thank you, thank you.
Well done, ladIes.
Now, the next Item on the agenda Is a dIsplay by the Eastgate MorrIs Dancers.
That'll be all right, sir.
When you get on the horse, you can drape it around you discreetly.
Yes, well, I suppose it'll have to do.
Thank you very much, Godfrey.
Bah! Yon Eastgate Morris Dancers are rotten.
Why aren't we doing our morris dance, Captain Mainwaring? St George and the dragon is much more spectacular.
I bet the crowd's never seen anything like this before.
That's a fact.
Get into the dragon skin, Jones.
Come and help me mount, Wilson.
-Get out of the way, boy.
-I'm sorry.
Wilson, my helmet, please.
Thank you.
Hey! And now we come to the grand fInale, whIch Is a shared Item performed by the Wardens and the Home Guard.
FIrst, CaptaIn MaInwarIng's platoon wIll perform a ''spectacular medIeval extravaganza.
'' (BUGLE PLAYING) (BUGLE PLAYING) -What's that stupid soppy-looking boy doing? -He's dressed like me, Mr Hodges.
-Here, Maurice.
-What is it, Tracy? Mainwaring's lot are doing St George and the dragon as well.
You'll be a real laughing stock.
I'll kill him.
Quick! Get out there! And you get into that dragon skin.
Stop handling me.
You know I don't like being handled.
Shut up and get on with it! (CROWD CLAPPING) (CROWD CHEERING) Well, well, what a wonderful surprIse, ladIes and gentlemen.
CaptaIn MaInwarIng Is goIng to fIght the dragon.
(BUGLING) What does that fool think he's up to? I've really no idea, sir.
(CROWD CHEERING) Get off this field, Hodges! (JEERING) Here! What's your game? Clear off.
We'll do nothing of the sort.
You clear off, you silly fellow.
Look here, Vicar, we thought of it first.
Oh, no, you didn't.
Well, don't say you haven't been warned.
Oh.
It looks as though Mr Hodges Is goIng to fIght the dragon.
No.
I tell a lIe.
The dragon Is goIng to fIght the dragon.
Right, Napoleon! You've asked for it! I'm not afraid of you, Hodges.
(GRUNTING) Now the two St Georges are fIghtIng each other.
ThIs Is certaInly gIvIng hIstory a new twIst.
Do be careful, sir.
What are we going to do, Frank? Oh, it's ever so good, Uncle Arthur.
It's like that film, RobIn Hood.
(CROWD CHEERING) We must do something, Frank.
-You leave it to me, Uncle Arthur.
-Hmm? You flipping hooligans! (CROWD CHEERING)