Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e03 Episode Script

Out! I didn't really know adults did this.
Jep, you're terrible.
I knew like kids and teenagers did it, but This is the oldest form of competition.
Yeah, I don't think it's meant for older people though.
Take an object, throw it at somebody and they try to get out of the way.
I mean they got shirts made up and everything.
"Ball Blart, Ball Cop.
" - That's not bad.
- No, that's dumb.
"Your Mom and Them" is pretty cool.
I don't know what that means.
You don't know what it means? Your mom and them? Like your mom and them going to the mall.
You're talkin' about your mom and them.
Where's your mom and them? It's like your mamma jokes, you know.
That's not what your mom and them says.
Your mamma jokes, that's it? Where are your mom and them, like the crew that your mom rolls with, like your mamma's entourage, kind of.
- Yeah.
- OK.
Let's go "Your Mom and Them!" We talkin' bout your mom and them.
Normally, I would be makin' fun at Jep for joining a dodgeball league You're playin' like your mom and them.
Oh, shoot, heads up, hey.
but I gotta tell you, when we were kids we played various forms of the same game.
We played dodge rock.
- What? - That was a fun game.
Remember when you hit that guy on the back of the head? We disappeared like a fart in the wind.
That's the ultimate form of competition, you're good at it or, you're headed to the emergency room.
Winner, "Your Mom and Them!" - What's up! - Wow, good job, good job, Jess.
- Good game.
- Thank you.
- I didn't know adults did that.
- You didn't? I didn't, I thought it was just a kid-game.
Oh my goodness.
What is going on with the duck boys? Why am I not surprised? What happened did the flute factory fall apart? What happened they only had medium shirts? You're lookin' at the state-wide champion, thank you.
Sixty-four pair assists.
What? You missed an "l" there.
"McMillan's Villians" It's a play on words.
- What? - Yeah.
Speaking of playin', you all playin' with these two girls? Your mom and them plays with girls.
Matter of fact, we just saw your mom and them at the Duck Diner, since I been eatin' there free for a year.
I mean you can tip still.
Hey, it's all free.
Me and Phillip McMillan have a long standing rivalry.
Kinda like Ali and Frazier if they were older, hairier and really outta shape.
Well, you all may wanna put a team together.
We'll play you.
I don't know if you guys are in shape to play, I mean, Willie's not very good at dodging biscuits, gravy That's very true.
No, he's not good at dodgin'.
You might get hurt if you keep runnin' your mouth like that.
Your mom and them.
Old McMillan and I have competed against each other in a lawn mower race, which I won.
An outhouse race, which he won.
Now he wants to play dodgeball.
I think this rivalry thing has just gone way too far.
This is just childish.
Missy, you don't have to play, we're not gonna make you wash your makeup off and come out there and break a nail.
Really? Speakin' of chipped a nail, you chipped a nail.
Chuck! It may not be the coolest game, but the thought of gettin' to throw stuff at Phil, it's kinda exciting.
We'll meet y'all on the court.
- That's his hardest throw, right there.
- Your mom and them.
- Oh! - Phil, I'm in.
- That's gonna cost ya.
- Oh, my gosh, we got some work.
- Catch you up in two days.
- Two days.
There's a state championship for dodgeball? No, he's full of crap.
Whoa! Do you have any 10's? Nope, go fish.
You got any aces? I'm not playin' with you if you keep doin' this.
You need to work on your poker face, okay? Oh, what a sweet kitty.
Oh, that cat's been acting weird lately.
- Really? - Yeah, he's stayin' out all hours and look, he come back the other day and he had spaghetti all over his face.
Well, he found some spaghetti, who cares.
My dogs go out and find stuff too, to eat.
He's got a home, he don't need to be goin' out to another one.
Me and Sweet Pea, hey look, we're like two peas in a pod.
We both like you know, take naps, okay, we both like fried croppy and then we both land on our feet if you drop us off of the roof.
Maybe it's like Lady and the Tramp? I ain't gonna put up with no hanky-panky.
And they're goin' to a little alley and there's an Italian restaurant.
Oh, yeah, I bet there is.
Look, but lately my nappin' buddy has turned into a two-timin' heifer on me.
Purring like he's met the love of his life.
Have you ever thought about following Sweet Pea and see where he goes? You want me to stalk my cat, is what you're sayin'? That's right, pet detective.
Like Jesse Ventura? I think it was Ace Ventura.
Oh, Jesse Ventura was a mayor of some California town.
He was a wrestler.
Well, hey, all I know is he got killed by the Predator.
- That is weird.
- It is weird.
So where'd Sweet Pea go? Hey, no need for Jesse Ventura, I got Sweet Pea under house arrest, okay? And I'll probably put a chain and ball on him fore - Si - What? That door is open.
God, I left it open.
Good grief.
Si, you better follow him and see where he's goin'.
He's livin' a double life on me.
Well, do you want me to call Phil? He's a tracker.
No, Phil don't even like cats.
I know the perfect person, he's a tracker and a noted Republican.
All right, these'll be the practice balls.
I don't think you practice dodgeball, you throw the ball and you dodge the ball, right? No, you gotta practice.
What are we practicin'? We're gonna throw at the targets, okay? There's not gonna be seven people all piled in, in a five foot area Aim at a target and hit the target.
Nobody is standing still Let's go, hit.
They could huddle up, that's the way they did This is where you start.
- No they didn't - Huddle up, you spread out? I mean they were spread out.
In any kind of warfare, sometimes they will huddle up.
- Let's hit.
- Iron phalanx.
What's it called? Iron phalanx.
You don't want to huddle up, that's a terrible idea.
It's a terrible idea.
All right, let's go, hit the targets.
Whoops.
That's terrible.
We got a big dodgeball match coming up that will settle this rivalry with Phil McMillan once and for all.
So I want our team to be in tip-top condition.
- Ah, that's terrible, terrible.
- Whoo! Terrible, terrible.
Compliments are for losers.
That's why I'm choosing to motivate them through negative reinforcement.
- Yes.
- I was distracted.
Work on your form.
- My hands were sweaty.
- Let's go, you're out.
Focus! If you want your team to win, you need to let them know all the things they're doin' wrong.
- I'm much better in a game.
- Yeah.
I'm better at dodgin'.
And right now, that's pretty much everything.
- You all are horrible.
- Fire at will.
Who's pathetic now? Who's pathetic now? - Butt shot! - You got a spleen shot on me.
This is opening rush.
It's the most important drill you can do, right here.
Important drill.
- Opening rush.
- Rush is a really big deal.
- It's a really big deal.
- A really huge deal.
- Big deal.
- If you don't start off good This is where the game starts.
in the opening rush you lose the game.
- The most important part.
- You can't teach speed.
Yeah, but there's There's a technique to gettin' the ball.
There's a technique to it, I'm gettin' there.
- First team who gets there - They got the advantage.
They got the advantage.
You all are makin' this way too complicated.
Jep, bring the stopwatch.
It's kinda my drill, I mean I laid the balls out.
- I'm the team captain.
- Why are you the captain? - You don't play dodgeball.
- I think Jep should.
I played dodgeball when I was little.
Here's the problem, Willie's the CEO, and he thinks that makes him qualified to be a dodgeball coach.
- I set this whole thing up.
- Jep, just give it up.
He has the worst body type imaginable for this sport.
Prove you can dodge a dump truck before you try to teach anything about dodging a ball.
Why don't you show us what you can do? I'm saving myself.
On second thought, that would probably be the end of your coaching career, the dump truck.
You're gonna see warrior skills tomorrow.
Oh, please.
You're gonna be calling me, Game Time Willy.
I think we should have nicknames.
I already have a nickname.
- What's yours? - Dinja, dodgeball ninja.
- I wanna be like, Firecracker.
- I'm the Grenade.
Cause when you go to the bathroom It's cause when I throw it, it's gonna destroy something.
Stand in front and just take one for the team.
That's not a grenade, that's a landmine, that's you.
It's sneaky, it's hidden, you don't see it.
It's dirty.
What do y'all think about me, I don't know.
- The Paint Bandit.
- How bout just Bandit? - I like Pink Panther.
- I like the Pink Squirrel.
Why are we on pink, just cause I'm wearing it today? I should call everybody the color of their shirt? What are you, babe? I think I'm gonna be Coming up with cool and clever nicknames, it's not for everybody, some people have it and some don't.
And Jase, he definitely does not have it.
Hyper Jase, cause I'll put you into hyper space.
- Okay.
- Hyper Jase.
Jase is a classic over-thinker.
That's why he comes up with stinkers like, Jase the Trace Missile.
No one's ever gonna call you that, that's four words.
Everything that comes out of his mouth is stripped of swag, swag-less.
Jase the Human Shield.
How bout the nickname Dumb? It's nothin' to be ashamed of, but it is a bit embarrassing, even for Jase's standards.
All right, since you all had a little fun with me earlier I've decided that to make this even more of a rush.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
First we're gonna do a little catching game, okay? - Catch it, oh! - Oh, my goodness! Oh shoot, I almost had that.
Okay, I think we're done, I'm outta here.
If you all play like that your nickname's gonna be Crappy.
I don't know where that cat is.
Ain't no tellin' where that idiot's at.
Goodness, what's Mountain Man doin' here? - That's who I called, Kay.
- I hope that's not a mistake.
Hey, what seems to be the problem here? Well, Mountain Man, it's a case of infidelity.
He's went off with another woman.
- Infidelity? - He's got a girlfriend.
What about Christine? No, Mountain Man, you don't understand it, okay? - It's about my cat - Name's Sweet Pea That's right, he won't stay at home.
Okay, well let me take a look around here - and see what I can see.
- He's one tricky cat now, I'm tellin' you, you better bring your A game.
He left the door open.
- You left the door open? - Well, hey, look.
Was you tryin' to get rid of the cat? - No, I ain't tryin' to get rid of him.
- He's just gettin' old.
I forgot him when I tried to do something.
Okay, well he's somewhere around here, I'd imagine.
- Wow.
- Mm-hm.
Look, Mountain Man, he's like a red-neck pocket knife.
He's good for all sorts of jobs.
He's also old, rusty and dull as a two-by-four.
Smells like a cat.
But, you could call him an idiot travant cause he's got trackin' abilities.
Hey, I just like to call him Mountain Man though.
Looks like he's headed that way, too.
Should we take a picture of that? Mountain Man on his knees? - No, I don't think so.
- No, of that track and make sure.
I can't see no track, Kay.
Well, they're headed that way and they smell fresh.
They're goin' straight down that way.
They headed that way and they smell fresh, Kay.
- Did you get that, they smell fresh? - Right down through here.
- Mm-hm, he goin' through here.
- This is like Scooby Doo.
Yeah, this is like Scooby Doo, alright.
- Go ahead there, Shaggy.
- Mm-hm.
Jase.
- What? - My ankle is hurting.
- What, from yesterday? - My ankle's hurtin'.
I mean as much as I want to do this You just don't want to do it, do you? Why don't I bail and let Cole come in? - Fine, all right.
- Okay, really? Yeah.
Well, you look fine now.
All right, Missy's out.
- What? - What's wrong? - Sweet! - The good news is we got Cole.
All right, you wanna do some stretchin'? - We been stretchin'.
- He stretches forever.
Uh, we gotta burst a ball, here.
So, let's work on the hips, hips.
- That looks inappropriate.
- Really? It's kinda embarrassing.
I'm just stretch everybody stretches.
Look, I love my husband and I support him in anything he decides to do, but he is takin' this stretching thing way too far.
He's puttin' that ball to the test.
What are you doin? Stretching my knees.
Lewd acts.
I mean I know he's tryin' to make sure he doesn't injure himself while playing.
So I'm happy he's stretching, but I'm concerned he's gonna hurt himself while stretching.
That was a good stretch right there.
And that would be really embarrassing.
- Well, well, well.
- McMillan's Villans.
And here they are.
What are you doin, what'd that ball do to you? - What'd you got a deal with Tom Brady? - I'm stretchin' son.
- I've never stretched in my life.
- You're stretchin' that shirt out.
This is what we're supposed to wear when you play D-ball.
All right.
Do you all need to stretch? Brother, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it to service on Sunday, so can you put this in the plate for me? - I see that.
- Let's keep it fair.
He's a preacher, he can't cheat.
Keep it fair, he's just gonna keep it fair.
Why don't you go stretch? Five minutes, you all ready? - Did you tip the ref? - No, I didn't tip the ref.
- Well.
- What's he gonna do? This is the most useless referee job you could ever have.
I heard that.
Good grief, Sweet Pea? Hey, get back here.
You two-timin' rascal.
Si, I feel like I'm on a wild goose chase.
Except I don't see any geese or goose's around here, Kay.
- Well, a wild cat chase then.
- Well, hey.
- Mountain Man, what are you doing? - I think she's in there.
- Hey, it's not a she, it's a he.
- Okay.
Put those binoculars away, you're being a creep.
Haven't you heard about the castle rule? That's his castle, he's got a right to shoot you.
All right, all right.
I've had it with the cat, come on, let's go in the house.
I've had all I can stand of this lost cat for one day.
Come on, Shaggy.
Hey look, I can't believe I've wasted three hours lookin' for that stupid cat.
Hey, there she is.
That is a he.
Okay.
Where'd you get this toy? Look, this is the perfect example that felines are just like women.
Well, I'm glad you been havin' fun, you big, fat rascal.
Don't upset him, you're gonna make him fall off that whole thing.
He's fixin' to fall off, I hope he does.
Then we'll They put you through a whole bunch of crap and they never apologize for it.
Well, that'll be $5 for the tracking fee, Si.
$5? Look every once in a while you're reminded, hey, don't waste your time trying to figure them out.
You big, fat rascal you, you ain't worth two cents.
Look, just be happy with the time you get to spend with them, at least you don't have to, you know, spend time with Mountain Man.
$5.
You know what Sweet Pea's home, she's well - All right.
she's happy.
It's not a she, Kay, it's a he.
Got to admit, Sweet Pea is a little girl's name.
Oh, good grief.
Your mom and them.
Look they have a Marine on their team.
Come on, let's get all hyped up, come on.
- Let's get all hyped up.
- One, two, three, Duck Cluck.
Hey, do we go down up on two? Like one, two, down, up and come up on three? Just one, two, three, Duck Cluckers.
Is this mandatory? - Okay, go down on three.
- Jase! Be a team player.
- Oh, your hands are cold.
- Ready, one, two, three.
Duck Cluckers! Boom shacka lacka.
Oh, good night.
All right, are we ready to rumble? - Are we ready to rumble? - Yes.
All right, everybody must have a hand or foot on the wall to begin the game, on my whistle.
Whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah, watch out, watch out.
Watch out, babe.
You're out.
- She's out.
- Out.
Phil, you're out.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Watch out, Jase.
Jase, you're out.
Just as I expected all those hearty meals at the Duck Diner have not helped Phil's dodgeball game.
Dang I shoulda caught that ball.
Dang! I did not expect however, to be playing against a military sniper.
- Oh, shoot.
- Korie, out.
I mean this guy can hit a movin' target a mile away from the top of a Humvee, he's gonna make quick work of six idiots standin' about 10 feet in front of him.
Ah! Watch out! Oh, Willie, you're out.
You're out.
I shoulda just challenged Phil to a game of bowling.
- It's one-on-one now.
- Come on, Cole! - Good job - Get him, get him, get him.
Hey, don't hurt my baby.
The Duck Cluckers are the winners.
That's your ball game, boys.
And that's how the big tree falls.
We might have lost to Phillip McMillan in the past, while riding a toilet, but not today.
I think I will be at church tomorrow.
No refunds there, bud.
But I will be glad to see you at church.
Today we ascend on the throne of victory.
Well, I guess that's all of it.
I got pizza coming, you wanna eat? You all wanna eat some pizza? - Celebratory pizza.
- Good game, man.
Ducks and Villans, we're all friends.
- Good game, got you out.
- Good game.
All right, let's pray.
Father we're so thankful for everything you've given us, we're thankful for this great game, to Christ we pray, Amen.
Amen.
All right, let's get on that pizza.
Whew, that's some good lookin' pizza there.
It's important to love, accept and forgive anyone in our lives, regardless of whether they're family or bitter rivals.
Despite whatever disagreements or issues we may have, everyone deserves a second chance, whether it be an animal or just a person who smells like an animal.
Just because we battled it out with Phillip McMillan and his team of weirdos, doesn't mean we can't sit down and break bread when it's all over.
Especially because that bread is part of pizza and you don't wanna miss out on that.
Hey Si, did you ever find out where your cat was going? He's hangin' out with your mom and them.
I don't know why I even ask.