Friends s09e03 Episode Script

So, what's the big news you had us rush all the way over here for? Our news.
My company has asked me to head up our office in Tulsa.
So as of Monday, I'm being officially relocated.
- Oh, my God! - What? Monday? - How long do you have to go for? - They said it could be up to a year.
- A year? - Well, do you have to go? Well, I kind of have to, don't I? Because of this stupid thing.
There's nothing like the support of your loving wife, huh? Wait a minute.
Wait, you can't go to Tulsa.
Maybe you forgot, but we have tickets to the Jets game next week! I'm sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to make it.
But we were gonna go see the Jets! You can't go.
I mean, you're the glue that holds this group together.
- Really? - Not you.
I can't believe you guys are moving.
- I call their apartment! - No! The One With the Pediatrician mrnch@dh.
net.
mk Subtitle Editor (c) Digital Higherground - Igor Janevski, 2004 - Here you go, Rach.
- Thank you, Joey.
You know what? I'm not even sure I can have caffeine.
I went through this with Ben and Carol.
One coffee won't affect your milk.
Just to be sure, I'm gonna call Dr.
Wiener.
Every time? You don't have to call him whenever you have a question, okay? - Trust me.
I know this.
- All right.
I trust you.
I can see you dialing.
I don't understand why I'm on the phone! Dr.
Wiener? It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby.
It's just so grownup.
I know, yeah.
I feel like we're all growing up.
A person named "Wiener.
" God, that kills me.
- Look at you all grownup.
- Well, actually, you know what? I am, you know? Well, that whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more serious relationship, you know? Like, I'd like to meet a nice, mature, commitment-minded lady.
And looks aren't as important as Nah, she's gotta be hot.
You know, I might know somebody.
How about you set me up with someone, and we double-date? I can do that.
Yeah.
How's Friday? - Done! - All right.
Good, really? Okay, let's see.
All right.
You know who's great? Sandy Poopack.
"Poopack"? Yeah.
All right.
Well, that rules out Lana Titwyler.
- I've got good news.
- You got out of the whole Tulsa thing? Okay, I have news.
You don't have to move to Tulsa.
You can stay here and keep your job.
That's great! How? My boss and I worked out a deal where I'm in Tulsa four days a week.
So the other three, I can be here with you.
So you're gonna be gone four days a week? No.
I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that? No.
I can't be away from you for that long.
- Really? - Yeah, you're my husband.
I won't live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.
That's fast math.
We could use you in Tulsa.
Thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you go to Tulsa, I go with you.
You said that without gagging.
I know! Well, excuse me? Oh, yeah? Well, up yours too! - Who the hell was that? - Dr.
Wiener.
Rach, you can't call people at 3:00 in the morning.
You know what? You sound just like his wife.
Was there anything even wrong with Emma? Yes, of course there is! Okay? I'm not insane.
What was it? Hiccups.
I told you, you can't call him every time any little thing comes up.
Well, not anymore I can't.
He fired us! What are we gonna do? We have to find a pediatrician.
Wait, Monica said that when you guys were growing up you liked your doctor.
What was his name? Dr.
Gettleman? Yeah, no, I don't think that's a good idea.
In fact, I think he's dead.
Why does everything happen to me? I promise, first thing tomorrow, we'll find another doctor.
But I gotta get up early, and I'm not feeling well.
You're not feeling well? What do you have? Rubella? Because don't go near Emma, she has not had that shot.
You know, come to think of it, it does feel rubella-like.
Wiener! Wiener! Wiener! Wiener! Rachel! Great! Now he's gonna know it was me! So how is this for our big double date tonight? Oh, my God.
Great.
Just the reaction I was hoping for.
Yeah, so you found someone for me? You didn't forget? Of course not.
And you'll love Mary Ellen.
She's really smart and cute and funny and I can't tell you how I know this, but she is not opposed to threesomes.
All right.
- So tell me something about my guy.
- No.
Come on, give me something.
What's his name? - Mike.
- Mike.
Okay, what's his last name? Damn it! Is there no mystery left in romance anymore?! We'll see you and Mike at the restaurant in a couple hours.
All right, great.
See you.
Bye-bye.
Why'd I have to say Mike? I don't know a Mike! Why couldn't I have said? There's no guys in there! It's impossible to find a good doctor.
How do you know the good ones from the ones who'll push their penis against your knee? Excuse me? I know what she's talking about.
Well, we've gotta find a new pediatrician.
Ross was getting sick last night, and Emma may have caught it.
- Why don't you see Dr.
Gettleman? - Ross said he died.
He didn't die.
I just saw his daughter last week.
She said he was fine.
Her, on the other hand, botched Botox.
Great.
Well then, I'm gonna take Emma to see him.
I wonder why Ross said that he died? Maybe he confused him with his childhood therapist.
He saw a therapist? He used to have a recurring nightmare.
It freaked him out.
Wow, what was it? That I was going to eat him.
Mike! Yeah? Okay.
I can't believe I'm doing this with you.
Although I did just end a nine-year relationship so I should be open to taking some risks.
It'll be fine.
Follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
- I am Mike.
- Attaboy.
Here they come.
- I'm Phoebe.
- Phoebe.
Mike.
How you doing? - Nice to meet you.
- Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins.
So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other, anyway? How do Joey and I know each other? If I had a nickel for every time somebody's asked me that.
- From school.
- We met in college.
I mean high school.
You guys go way back, then.
So, what are you up to these days? - Well, I'm a lawyer.
- Mike, attorney at law! - Actually, I just gave up my practice.
- What? That's the kind of thing you usually run by me.
I want to play piano professionally.
If I don't do this now, I never will.
Great.
I like that better than the lawyer thing.
Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
You thought he was still a lawyer.
No, that's not what I meant.
Let's get you a cocktail.
What are you doing? Looking for restaurant jobs for you in Tulsa.
That's so sweet.
Did you find anything? - Slim Pickins.
- Nothing, huh? No.
Slim Pickins.
It's a barbecue joint.
They're looking for a cook.
Actually, "cook" may be a bit of a stretch.
They're looking for somebody to shovel mesquite.
"Slim Pickins"? That is so cheesy.
Well, So Cheesy also has an opening.
Honey, that's okay.
I know this woman, Nancy who's a restaurant biz headhunter.
She may know something.
Can I say how much I appreciate you coming with me? When we get to Tulsa, I am taking you for a great dinner at Slim Pickins.
So Cheesy? Whole Hog? It's gonna be tough to keep kosher in Tulsa.
Hi, Nancy? Hi, it's Monica Geller.
I'm good.
Listen, I'm looking for a job in Tulsa.
Yeah, well, my husband's been relocated.
Because I love him.
No, I don't want a job in New York.
Javu's looking? Oh, my God! He asked for me personally? Oh, my God! Wow, this is really, really flattering.
But I'm moving to Tulsa.
So, just, if you would tell Javu I'll take it! My name's Rachel Greene.
I have an appointment for Emma.
Dr.
Gettleman is finishing up with a patient.
He'll be out shortly.
I think you just have a cold.
It's definitely not strep.
Thanks, doctor.
- Would you like a lollipop? - Do you even have to ask? He is alive! It's so surprising that you and Joey have known each other for so long and I've never heard about you.
That's because we had a bit of a falling out.
Mike hit my mom with a car.
- No, I didn't.
- That's okay.
I have forgiven you.
Now we're friends again, and everything's great.
Well, wait.
Is your mom okay? Please, we're trying to have a conversation.
You're a lot nicer on "Days of Our Lives.
" "Days of Our Lives"! That's why you look so familiar! - What? - What? What? Do you not know each other? Of course we do.
He's playing a game we used to play in high school.
We pretend we don't know each other.
We played all kinds of games.
You remember that one where I punch you in the face for not being cool? Let me ask you something: How many sisters does Joey have? - Six.
- What are you doing? I said seven! Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger? Because I forgot about our date.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry too.
And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
You are unbelievable.
I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you.
Mary Ellen is really smart and cute and loose.
Who are you kidding? You find some guy off the street for me? God, this is humiliating! I'm so sorry.
If you don't like this guy, I can find you a better one.
Mike? Mike? I'm out of here.
It was nice meeting you.
- You're leaving too? - I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Have a good night.
We leave tomorrow, and you still have a lot to pack.
You're right.
Maybe I shouldn't go.
What? So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javu? But it's just a little outside of Tulsa.
Well, how far outside? Manhattan? And you're thinking of taking it? Before, you said that being with me was more important than any job.
But I guess now it's old job, me, new job.
I'm gonna miss this hand! I know this is a lot to ask but, my God, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
What happened to "you can't live without me four days a week"? Well, if you really think about it, I mean, four days is not that long.
I see you Monday before you go to work and Thursday when you get back and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it it's really just one day.
And well, if we can't make it one day, we got real problems, my friend.
- I think you should take the job.
- Really? I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me.
- How was the pediatrician? - I really liked him.
Yeah, yeah.
It was really, really, really good.
- You promised not to say anything.
- I know.
Ross still sees his pediatrician! I don't care.
Are you serious? You still see Dr.
Gettleman? He is a brilliant diagnostician! Diagnostician or boo-boo fixer? Seriously, you gotta go to an appropriate doctor.
Why? I know it's a little weird, but he is a great doctor, okay? He knows my medical history.
And every time I go in there, he makes a big deal.
You know, "Look, it's my favorite patient.
" Does he say that before he sticks his thermometer in your tushy? I seem to remember someone bringing his security blanket to college.
That was not a security blanket.
That was a wall hanging.
It didn't spend much time on the wall! Excuse me.
Hi.
I was hoping to run into you.
Can we talk? Sure.
I'm sorry, really.
I'm so embarrassed that our Really, I'm a pretty nice guy.
Just ask my parole officer.
Apparently, I'm not a funny guy.
Well, why did you go along with that? Because I was told that I'd get a free dinner, which I didn't.
And that I'd meet a pretty girl, which I did.
That's true.
Well, is anything you told me about yourself true? My name is Mike.
And I do play piano.
- Prove it.
- There isn't a piano here.
That wouldn't stand in the way of a true pianist.
Okay.
You are really good.
- I play a little guitar myself.
- Really? That's great.
- What kind of music do you play? - Like acoustic, folksy stuff, you know? But right now I'm working on a couple Iron Maiden covers.
Do you think that, maybe, sometime, I could It's okay.
Go ahead, ask me out.
Okay.
You think, maybe, sometime I could take you out? You just caught me off guard.
Yeah, that would be nice.
Look at this! My two best friends! Excuse me.
I don't mean to be a jerk but the baby with the rash came in after me.
The doctor will be right with you, sir.
Mommy, I can't find Waldo.
What, the circus? He's behind the elephant.
Wow.
So your child's a big fan of the Waldo books too? Yeah, that's how I know.
- I'm Ross, by the way.
- Hi, I'm Sally.
So no ring.
Can I assume you're also a single parent? - I am a single parent.
- It's hard, isn't it? There's no time for a social life.
Where are you gonna meet someone? Let's say, I don't know, you met someone in the pediatrician's office.
Rossie? We're ready for you.
Yeah Come on, Ross Jr.
It's time to go in.
Mommy.
Mommy, what's wrong with that man? Hey, I helped you find Waldo! - Good, you haven't left yet.
- Where have you been? I got held up at Dr.
Gettleman's office.
There was some guy that freaked everybody out.
You got here just in time.
I really have to go, buddy.
Oh, man.
- Promise to call me when you land? - Of course I will.
I love you.
I love you too.
Watch the tongue, people.
We got a baby over here.
- Bye, Chandler.
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
- Bye.
- What's the matter, Joe? - I'm mad at you for leaving.
You know, you're nothing but a big leaver.
A big leaver with a stupid suitcase.
Any chance you're trying to pick a fight to make all of this easier? Dude, you see right through me! Okay, well Bye, Mon.
Bye, Ross.
Rachel.
- Bye, Emma.
- Okay, bye-bye.
Have a good trip.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Wait.
It goes old job new job and you.
This is just something I have to do.
I know.
I love you so much.
I know that too.
Don't worry.
I'll be back before you know it.
Yes, it will be the same.
Because I know, that's how.
I promise.
You double promise? Call me when you land.
- Can I talk now? - Okay, bye.
- Joey! - He had to board.