Futurama s09e03 Episode Script

1
[Star Trek-esque opening notes]
[Star Trek-esque theme song playing]
[spaceship zooming]
LEELA:
Captain's diary. Star date,
Lrrr and Ndnd's 63rd anniversary.
Planet Express has been hired to cater
a vow renewal ceremony
on Omicron Persei 8.
Not what I thought
I'd be doing at this age.
[equipment beeping]
Mr. Professor! Fuel status?
If I'm reading this correctly,
we're underwater.
You're not reading it correctly.
Mr. Bender. Wedding cake readout?
Frosting at maximum cream-cheesiness!
All systems tasty!
Medical officer Zoidberg.
Are you reaching for the cake?
Affirmative, Captain.
[clang]
Ow!
Stick to fish flakes,
you overgrown sea monkey!
All parameters nominal,
but stay sharp, crew.
I don't know why, but I have a feeling
something's not quite right.
MAN:
Everything's fine, Leela.
We're the best delivery/catering
service in the galaxy. Right, team?
[all cheering, agreeing]
PROFESSOR: Damn straight!
Aw, thanks. You always know
how to make me feel better,
- Fry.
- That's what I'm here for, honey. [dramatic sting]
[theme song playing]
[spaceship roaring]
[guests chattering]
[frosting squishing]
- Is that Crab Rangoon?
- No, he's Dr. Zoidberg.
[glasses rattle]
"FRY": Congratulations, sir.
May I offer you some
sparkling victim juice?
[glasses clink, juice fizzing]
[gulping]
Here. Place my lead-lined overcape
in the Closet of Heavy Things.
[glasses shatter]
[groans]
[pained] I love my job.
[timpani drum version of
Bridal Chorus by Wagner]
Belligerent reptiles,
we are gathered here
under the watchful eye of Jvvv,
God of the Omicronians
- JVVV: Hey there.
- to bear witness as Lrrr and Ndnd
renew their wedding vows,
expressing their most personal feelings.
Wrong! Ndnd got them from
an inspirational placemat.
It was a quality placemat!
[clears throat]
Ndnd, you look just as you did
the night I met you on
the hairy hills of B'dnkdnk,
your dress covered in the blood
of three B'dnkian warriors.
You took me in your arms
and ate the morsel
of B'dnkian entrail
lodged in my cleavage.
It was delicious.
Hey, you got any, uh,
B'dnkian entrail on that tray?
No, but we have
lettuce-wrapped cucumbers,
which are even grosser.
- Can you stop eating for one second?
- If you want me to not eat,
- then you should have done the cooking!
- Oh snap!
Having completed the sacred vows,
the groom will now crush
the skull of his father-in-law.
- If it please the Lord?
- JVVV: Oh yeah, I love that kinda stuff.
[Hava Nagila playing]
Molotov!
[guess cheer]
Now, kiss the bride
and come out fighting.
[Lrrr moans]
[boxing bell dings]
[grunting]
[guests clapping, cheering]
Why do I have to use the hook?
I hate the hook.
You managed to capture me
with it at our first wedding.
You weren't the intended target.
Oh, I just love it when
they dance the horta.
Care to join me?
[easy listening music playing]
[tapping, mic feedback]
[on microphone] As best man,
I'd like to say a few words
about my dear friend Lrrr.
Keep it clean.
My father's crushed skull is here.
Intelligent, loyal, brave,
a great leader!
But enough about me.
[laughter]
Stick to the script.
[zap]
[screams]
And now
for the tossing of the bouquet.
♪
Uh, nobody invited the help.
Nobody invited me
to kick your ass either,
yet here we are. Hi-ya!
[groans]
Flowers in the hole!
[bouquet whistling]
The glory is mine!
[thud]
[easy listening music playing]
[both moaning, slurping]
Now, this part I don't like.
[upbeat music playing]
[cart wheels squeaking]
BENDER:
I wonder what I should bake next.
Hey, Fry, you ever wanted to be in a pie?
Anything for you, buddy.
Point me to the crust, and I'll be there.
[plates clink]
[sighs] That takes care of the dishes.
You want me to get started
on the floors, Hermes?
- Or should I scrub down Dr. Zoidberg?
- Scrub-a-dub-dub!
- How are you so energetic?
- Oh, I'll never get tired of this job.
I have the best life ever.
- That's our Fry.
- It sure is.
It most definitely is.
[tense music playing]
[mystical music playing]
NARRATOR:
Twenty-three years earlier,
the crew was recuperating
from a grueling mission to planet Amazonia
where Fry had sustained extensive
snu-snu-related injuries.
[sighs] What a relief
to be back on Earth,
where nobody wants
to have snu-snu with me.
My pelvis and I
could really use a vacation.
Any chance I can get
some time off, Professor?
I'm not sure.
How will we stay in business
- without our ace delivery boy?
- Extremely easily.
- See you in two weeks!
- Enjoy Amazonia!
[taxi whirring]
Come on. Let's get a temp dimwit
to replace our permanent one.
[upbeat music playing]
[ding]
[squishing]
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
I don't know what happened
to our office manager Evans.
- Is that him?
- Maybe?
Uh, how can I help you?
One of our workers is on vacation,
so we'll need to hire a temp.
We've got whatever you need.
Secretary, jockey, lion tamer,
bowling shoe spray technician.
- What exactly are you looking for?
- Well, let's see.
It's a thankless job.
He'll never be thanked.
- Any skills?
- Absolutely not!
I'll need to berate him
for being incompetent!
Then, I've got just the schlep for you.
[plastic rustling]
Frank, you're going to be working
at Planet Express for two weeks.
Lucky me. Let's just get it over with.
Perfect! He sounds very berate-able.
♪
I'll introduce you to the group.
- Uh, what was your name again?
- Frank.
Everyone, please welcome our new temp.
- This is, uh
- Frank.
- Hi, Frank. Tell us about yourself.
- I have no characteristics
and people forget me
as soon as I leave the room.
And sometimes before that.
- [scoffs] That's ridiculous! Um
- Frank. Is this my cubicle?
No, that's an empty space
between three stacks of boxes.
- Well, I guess I'll stand in there.
- Come out, please.
You're gonna be traveling around
delivering things.
- Yeah, right.
- Right.
Wait, seriously? Traveling?
- I-I've never been anywhere before.
- Why not? There's a tube station
that'll take you to Paris for five cents.
I don't have time for that.
Temping is a full-time job.
[upbeat music playing]
[applause, crowd cheering]
[Dot Matrix printer whirring]
[click, whirring]
[vacuum whirring, click]
[popping]
[microwave dings]
♪
[crunching]
[Frank whistling]
Those are beautiful!
- Thanks a lot, uh, I wanna say Dave?
- Frank. I'm the temp.
I've been here two weeks.
The best two weeks of my life.
[bell dings]
Ah! That's the frittata.
I hope you're all hungry.
Ugh! He's so enthusiastic.
I can't stand his toxic positivity.
He likes everyone, even me!
It's pathetic.
Well, he's no Fry, but at
least Fry will be back tomorrow.
Wow. Fry's not even here
and you remember his name?
- He must be quite a guy.
- Sorry, that was rude.
You've done a good job, uh you.
And since it's your last day,
let's make it a good one. Right, gang?
- Sure.
- Why not?
Who the hell is he?
♪
[echoing footsteps]
[electricity fizzling]
[hooting]
- Hello! Welcome to the liberry.
- You called for a dump job?
Oh, yes. We had a water main break,
and it damaged some of the books.
And by some, I mean
- all 2.6 million.
- You're throwing out all the liberry books?
Look, nobody's checked
a book out since 2029.
- It was this one.
- A novelization of the TikTok video
"Peanut Butter Eating Dog
Lip Syncs to Olivia Rodrigo."
- Ooh! I'd watch that.
- It's a book. You'd read it.
[scoffs] No, I wouldn't.
[wet splat]
[spaceship roaring]
♪
Where are we gonna dump
these disgusting books? The ocean?
Certainly not!
It's been illegal to dump hazardous waste
in the ocean for over a year now.
We'll head for that book containment
facility on Dalton-B.
It's a small planet
in the Barnzan Nobula.
♪
[insects buzzing]
[Professor groaning]
Watch out for flying
purple paper eaters!
[yelping]
My travel-sized filing cabinet!
[insects buzzing]
[soggy splattering]
Ew! I got book on me!
[splattering]
So weird that reading
used to be a thing.
[splattering]
Well, that's the last of 'em.
Let's get outta here before some dork
says trashing books is a travesty.
[landing gear retracts,
spaceship takes off]
Well, that's the last of 'em.
Hey, guys? Guys!
The ship is abandoning us!
Guys?
[insects buzzing]
Oh.
[spaceship roaring]
Ugh. I'm gonna go wash
the book smell out of my hair.
[slurping]
I'm home from my vacation!
- Did I miss anything?
- Only a delivery to book hell.
We're just lucky we made it back
without reading anything.
We did all make it back, right?
Well, let's see. There's me, Bender,
and some other people
We're good.
Five, 6, 7, 8.
All eight crew members present
and accounted for.
Ayup. Mm-hmm.
I can get through this.
I'm a temp, dammit.
[buzzing]
I'm sure they'll be back soon.
♪
NARRATOR: Twenty-three years later,
the crew was about to depart
for the wedding ceremony
on Omicron Persei 8.
The one you saw earlier. That one.
Will you quit slacking off, Fry?
I need more whipped frosting!
Sorry. I'm just kinda worn out.
[squishing, whirring]
[grunting]
[blender whirring]
I guess work's been catching up to me.
Sometimes, I wonder if I was
cut out to be a whatever I am.
You have been burning
the blunt at both ends, mon.
After this wedding cake delivery,
you should take a vacation.
When's the last time you took one?
Twenty-three years ago,
after that horrific snu-snu incident.
If Fry takes a vacation,
we'll have to get someone to fill in.
- Why? We didn't get anyone last time.
- Or did we?
Oh, right. The temp!
- What's-his-name!
- He had a name?
Even I looked down on him.
[all laugh]
He went with us on that trip
to dump those old liberry books,
and then and then!
[dramatic sting]
- What?
- I'm sure he's fine.
We'll just swing by on the way
to the wedding
and pick up his corpse.
♪
Yuck! This place is even
grosser than I remembered.
I don't see him. Let's just go.
[insects buzzing]
FRANK: Y-You came back.
[all gasp] I
I thought you'd forgotten about me.
Oh no. We could never forget
- [sighs]
- Frank!
- Of course!
- Sounds right.
It was on the tip of my tendrils!
My heavens. It's been 23 years!
What did you eat?
Books! Book sandwiches, book soup,
- scrambled books with fly larvae!
- Ew, books!
[buzzing]
The shower's through there.
There's plenty of soap
and toothpaste in Fry's cubby.
He never uses them.
[water dripping]
[whirring, zapping]
[suspenseful music playing]
It's just as itchy as
I dreamed it would be.
[maniacal laugh]
[door opening]
Hey, coworkers!
Shouldn't we be heading off
to deliver that wedding cake?
Yeah. We just need to wait for Fry.
He's not back yet.
Yes, I am. I'm right here
[mysterious whirring]
[mysterious music playing]
Ah, Fry! There you are!
[sing-song] Let's go already!
[tense music playing]
Finally, a use for the Bible.
Hey, wait.
Why hast thou forsaken me?!
♪
[tense music playing]
[beeping] Hey, Leela.
After work, you wanna binge
some Hungry-Man streaming dinners?
There's a fresh episode of
"Mandarin Orange is the New Chicken."
Oh, thanks, Fry, but, uh,
- I'm going over to my parents tonight.
- Again?
Well, my grandma needs
a lot of help these days.
- She fell and broke a few of her elbows.
- Okay. Well, see you tomorrow.
- I could go for a little Hulu and chill.
- You're on!
♪
LEELA: [chewing] Mm!
This twice-flushed pork is delicious.
Leela, what's going on?
You've been living with us
for six weeks now.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
There's just something that's off.
I can't quite
It's not my relationship with Fry,
if that's what you mean.
- I didn't say
- Maybe it's Bender. It could be Amy!
- Is Fry upset that you've been away?
- No, he's fine with it.
He's fine with everything. He's so great.
I sure love him.
I think I'll stay another week though.
[chewing]
Mm!
[bones crack]
Oh! I broke another one.
♪
First order of business.
Has anybody noticed anything
weird around here lately?
Yes! I was just saying to my
parents that something seems off!
I'm glad it's not just me.
[door opens]
Hey! I just picked up some
four-dimensional pretzels. Have some!
[pretzels warbling]
[excited chatter]
Mm! Tell me, Fry.
Have you noticed anything strange lately?
No. Like what?
Well, for one thing,
these last few weeks,
we've had an unexplained uptick
in worker productivity.
[spritzing]
[whistling]
While during the same period,
we're using twice as much soap
in the men's room.
I have noticed less body odor.
- Oh definitely.
- Way less.
It appears the changes
started six weeks ago,
right after we delivered
that wedding cake.
[beeping]
This is weird.
According to the ship's log,
we made a detour to some
awful planet called Dalton-B.
I don't remember that.
Then, it must not have happened.
Good pretzels, right?
Wait. Dalton-B?
Isn't that where we dumped
those liberry books 23 years ago?
Yeah, and we had that temp with us!
He didn't have a name, poor guy.
Frank. His name was Frank!
Oh, right. Whatever happened to him?
Like I care, I don't.
Something very strange
took place on Dalton-B.
We've gotta get back there
- and find out what. Right, Fry?
- Uh
Um
[stammering, whining]
♪
[footsteps squelching]
Yuck! This place is even grosser
than I remembered.
And no sign of Frank.
Let's just go bowling.
FRY: Oh, thank God you're here!
You're just in time to see my beard!
Keep away from us, you dirty hippie!
There are no grooves here!
We should leave this stranger alone.
[nervous laugh] He looks delusional.
But, I'm Fry!
Don't you recognize me?
[mysterious whirring]
You're not Fry. That's Fry!
Yes Fry
[whirring continues]
[mysterious music playing]
Leela, you know who I am, right?
- I do sense a familiar dopiness.
- No. No!
[faster whirring]
[struggling]
He is Fry
No, I is Fry! And I can prove it!
Here's a photo of me and Bender.
That could be me with anyone stupid.
I have a picture with everybody!
I could never forget this one.
[romantic music playing]
You You!
I remember! You are Fry!
Oh, Fry!
If he's Fry, then who's the guy
with the spinny eyeballs?
[whirring slows, stops]
Alright, alright. I'm not Fry.
I'm Frank!
- Who?
- Say what?
The temp! Who you stranded
here for 23 long years!
- Time flies.
- Not here.
My only companions were the two books
that weren't too moldy to read.
I even built them a little house.
[squelching footsteps]
The Art of Klang Foo.
I must have read this a thousand times.
And The Return of the King?
That one I didn't read.
It's the third book of the trilogy,
and I've never read the first two.
I didn't wanna spoil it, you know?
LEELA:
What's Klang Foo?
An ancient mind-control technique.
And, oh, did I master it.
[mysterious music playing]
- Cut it out.
- It was especially easy to pass myself off as Fry
because nobody can remember
who I really am anyway.
But, why did you wanna take my place?
Because you have such a great life!
I've had so, so many temp jobs,
but working at Planet Express
was the one time in my life
- I was truly happy.
- Whoa. Bleak.
I loved it there, but my plan failed.
So it's time for my backup plan.
It better not involve the eye thing.
[gun cocks]
I'm going to abandon you all here
the way you abandoned me!
[dramatic sting]
We've got to stop him!
And by we, I mean you.
I'm already in my pajamas.
Oh. No, I'm not.
[dramatic music playing]
- Oh, don't leave us!
- Stop!
[ship roaring]
[all scream]
[ship roaring]
[all yelp]
[beeping, alarm blaring]
Aah! I should've paid more attention
that week I was a temp astronaut!
[screaming]
[squishing]
[air brake hiss]
[grunts]
[squelching footsteps]
Time for plan C.
Kill everybody! [zapping]
That's not a plan!
You're just improvising!
[yelping]
[zapping]
[panting] Now what?
[whispers] I have an idea,
but I have to warn you.
It's completely brilliant.
♪
As you all know, my spice rack
is located in the ship's galley,
and on that rack is a jar
of flaming hot
million Scoville chili powder.
- HERMES: Ooh, that's the good stuff!
- BENDER: Using a light pastry shell,
I'll bake the powder into a grenade
to blind and disorient the enemy.
Then, we'll launch it using
my party-size soup ladle.
[boinging]
[grenade whistling]
[poof]
[Frank screams]
- Questions?
- How are we supposed to get into the ship?
What's-his-name is guarding the door.
It might be possible to sneak in
through the rear thrusters.
Of course,
we'd be exposed to some radiation.
- How much radiation?
- Oh, not much.
Like having an affair with Marie Curie.
[aroused] Oh my, yes
[insect buzzing]
♪
[grunting]
[glass squeaking]
[radiation humming]
We made it!
[dramatic music playing]
- Aha! My million Scoville chili powder!
- What's that for?
I think I was gonna
throw it at somebody.
- Who?
- I can't remember.
Hey, uh, why is the ship sideways?
Who knows?
It just falls over sometimes.
[ship whirring]
Huh?
No! [gasping, grunting]
[engines blast]
[groans]
[engine clunking, sputtering]
[engine stops]
[ship crashes]
Say, Fry, weren't you
about to go on vacation?
I don't need a vacation.
I just had six weeks off.
You did?
I could've sworn you were here,
- but I'm happy to dock your pay.
- That sounds fair.
You know, I was kinda worn out before,
but now everything feels just right.
- Yes, it does.
- You wanna go home and have dinner?
[scuttling]
[buzzing]
Uh, I think I'll eat
at my parents tonight.
[gentle music playing]
♪