It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s09e03 Episode Script

- Just use 'em, dude.
- I'm not going to wear gloves while I work! I'm sorry, it makes no sense.
It absolutely makes sense-- you're a janitor who snakes toilets with his bare hands.
So my hands get a little dirty from time to time.
I appreciate the concern, but I'm fine.
It's not for you! It's for us! Use gloves! Use gloves.
Oh, look at this.
Check it out.
The Restaurant and Bar Association's Best Bar Award is coming up.
We could get nominated.
Frank, we never get nominated for awards, okay? And we don't give a shit because they're stupid.
Yeah, we don't care about that kind of stuff, all right? Look, am I curious as to why we never get nominated? Sure, yeah.
Do I care? Not in the slightest.
No, I don't care about it, you know? I mean, all right, it is a little odd we've never been nominated.
Yes, it's odd.
At some point it becomes a little aggressive.
So what is it? We don't deserve it? We're not cool enough? Whoa.
Whoa, okay, Frank.
Now, if if I do something, you better believe it's cool.
Yeah, if I'm gonna put my name on something, it's gonna be award-worthy, you know.
I can't imagine that other people are doing what we're doing better.
I mean, it's serving up drinks.
It's just upsetting.
I'm sorry, I'm getting upset.
If-if you want to get a nomination, you got to play the game.
Nah, I don't want to play a game to get an award.
That feels lame.
- It is lame.
- Oh, is that your ass? Oh, closer to the hole, sir? You know what's lame? Being around this long and never getting an award.
Makes you look like a bunch of assholes.
Hmm.
You're really, like, driving this home, and it's upsetting, because, like, now I'm getting the neck thing.
I feel I feel I'm getting upset.
Yeah, your neck's going nuts? Yeah! You're getting that? They're making me feel like an asshole.
They are making us feel like assholes.
All right, you know what, we'll play the game, I'll kiss ass.
Yeah, let's play the game.
I'm okay with it, because who cares? All right, fine, let's play the game.
But I want to be very clear about something.
This literally means nothing to me.
This office sucks.
It smells bad and it's stuffy in here.
Yeah, it's the Restaurant and Bar Association, it's a stuffy organization.
They're not in touch with the young people like us.
Some old boner gives me attitude, I'm gonna spit in his face.
He starts giving me shit, I'll spit at him.
We should all spit.
Look, we're not spitting, all right? Just keep your mouth shut and let me do the talking.
I know what I'm doing.
Sorry, sorry to keep you waiting.
Frank Reynolds, Paddy's Pub.
These are my associates.
Stand up, show him some respect.
I stand for no one.
Please, it's not necessary.
Have a seat.
You heard the man-- sit down.
Well, now I feel like standing.
But I don't want to stand through an entire meeting 'cause I don't know how long it's gonna last, so I'll sit down.
It's my choice.
With much dignity and grace, we've come to talk to you about the Best Bar Award.
Now, in the past, our group has not paid you any attention, but now we are prepared to pay you what you deserve in attention, if you get my drift.
I don't.
Ponder lettuce and shrimp.
Excuse me? He's inviting you out to lunch, Bozo-- you gonna go or not, yes or no? Actually, it's 3:30 in the afternoon-- I've already eaten.
This dickhead doesn't want a second lun He's being offered lettuce and shrimp, he doesn't want to eat lunch.
You eat once a day? Hey, everybody, I had food.
All right, you know what, I am out of here.
I don't need this limpdick telling me whether my bar's cool, okay? No, no, no! No spitting.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, how much is it gonna cost us to get on the ballot? Ten dollars.
Huh? The entry fee is ten dollars.
All you have to do is fill out the-the paperwork.
Why have we never received this form? Well, we've-we've actually s-sent you the form many times in the past, and as I recall, it always comes back covered in fecal matter, urine, and racial slurs.
Oh.
That's a joke.
Hey, you know, that's just, like, all in good fun, man.
That's just our sense of humor-- you'll get us.
Shut up! Let bygones be bygones.
Right, right.
We're here now to play the game.
Yes.
Playing the game.
I assume you take cash.
Oh! So sorry.
That wasn't meant for you, that was actually meant for you.
Yeah, that was meant for him.
We thought maybe you would think that was funny.
Yeah, if it exploded in your face, but I can tell by the look on your face that you don't think that's funny.
That's not your style.
That's a shame.
Yeah, that's sort of our sense of humor.
Guys, he's not gonna get us.
I think we got to get out of here, right? All right, guy.
What'd I say, idiots? You want to get nominated, you gotta play the game.
We are playing the game, Frank.
Nah, you're not playing We're just not vibing with that guy, he's a stiff.
We were vibrating, but maybe at a different frequency than that guy.
I like that.
Frank is right.
No, Frank is right, though.
We're too fringe.
I mean, yeah, it's given us a lot of street cred, but I think we've alienated a lot of people in this town.
Yeah, you-you want to win awards, you gotta campaign for it.
It's an industry award.
It's true.
Like, we know we're cool and our customers know we're cool, but the industry doesn't get it yet.
All right, you know what? Can you guys actually drop me off back at the bar? I'm gonna go work on the Best Song.
What Best Song? The Best Song Award.
There is no Best Song Award.
What are you talking about? Well, that's all the more reason to do a Best Song, right? We'll be the only bar who did it, and that's a good chance we'll cover all the bases.
I tell you what: let's drop him off either way.
Okay.
That sounds good.
Good idea, Charlie.
Good idea, come on.
What? I can't believe that this place won Best Bar.
I mean, who comes to this place? A shitload of people.
Sudz is a super-popular place.
I can't believe how bright it is in here.
I don't like it.
Yeah.
And what's with all the loud, fake colors? I mean, where's the subtlety? All right, let's go grab a drink.
We'll suss out the competition.
I'm gonna go find a manager, introduce myself, give him this swag bag.
What's in that bag? Ah, it's just this stuff I had our names printed on.
I got a bottle opener, a keychain, egg.
Why would you give him an egg? It's like a paperweight.
Trust me, Deandra, people eat this shit up.
Look, you gotta play the game.
I know how to do it.
Right.
Good luck.
Let's get a drink.
Yep.
Hey, guys.
How you doing? My name is Greg; I'll be your bartender tonight.
You ever been to Sudz before? You wish.
Don't think so, pal.
Okay, well, welcome, then.
For our first-timers, I like to recommend our blended signature cocktail, The Blue Hole.
It's served with three straws in a fishbowl.
It's pretty darn good.
Some people say it's better than an orgasm.
Not that he's ever had one.
Oh! Okay, Maxwell, remind me to find a new best friend.
Aw! Ee-aw! Ugh.
Two margaritas for table six, Greg.
Hey, Amanda, what's wrong? Let me guess.
Your boyfriend canceled on you again.
Conference got extended.
What can I say? He loves his work.
Well, I think he should spend a little less time on his work and a little more time on you.
Aw Thanks.
You're so sweet.
Hmm.
What in the hell is happening? I don't know.
What are they doing? Okay, sorry about that.
So, one Blue Hole? Uh, well, let's see.
There's three of us, so, three drinks.
Yeah, well, they're generally shared, 'cause they're pretty big.
Said three, dick bag.
Get three! Uh-huh.
I don't care for that guy.
Me neither.
No.
Too soft.
I want a little edge in my bartender.
You know, this is Philadelphia.
What's with the, uh? What's with the black friend that no one is acknowledging? Is black? I feel like it's weird if you don't talk about that, you know? It's strange to have one black friend and not be constantly talking about it.
Yeah, shine a light on it, make sure everybody sees and knows, like, "I have a black friend," and that's a thing.
'Cause it's weird that a black person is friends with white people.
Hmm.
I don't think it is.
It's not that weird, but it's that but it's a thing.
It is, it is.
Here you guys go.
Oh.
There we go.
Oh, drink up! What the hell was that? That's a Sudz alert.
When we ring that bell, everybody's got to drink, right? Yeah.
I don't need a bell telling me when to drink.
I'll drink when I'm goddamn good and thirsty.
I'm pretty sure I know when to take a drink.
Screw their stupid bell, you know? I wish I had drank when everybody else drank, though, 'cause it seemed like fun.
Well, now I feel left out.
Can we drink now? Let's drink now.
Together? 'Cause I-I Now I'm angry.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What are you doing in my office? Oh.
You snuck up on me.
Frank Reynolds, owner of Paddy's Pub.
I just thought I'd come by and say hello, pay my respects.
Also, I got you a little goody bag here.
Some trinkets, knickknacks that you might enjoy.
There's a broken egg in here.
Oh, shit.
That wasn't the hardboiled one.
Hey, you want me to cook that up for you? Ah.
Mmm.
Oh, man.
Ooh! Goddamn.
That went down easy.
I like this.
Yeah.
Guys, I'm starting to like this place.
It's growing on me, too.
I-I like the chemistry that the staff has.
Oh, did you guys see that charged moment between Greg and Amanda? Yes.
Boy, I tell you.
She's got a boyfriend, but I think that she and Greg should end up together.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
I'd like to come back next week to see if they do.
Yeah.
Me, too.
You know? I mean, she is cute, she is just super cute, right? She's so cute.
She's cute.
She is very cute.
She's not funny, though, so Yeah, but, no, but she doesn't need to be funny because she's cute, she's loveable, everybody likes her, and then, if she can tell a joke, yeah, hey, it's just a bonus, you know? Let's get out of this dump.
Oh, actually, this place is not a dump, Frank.
It's pretty great.
Hey, hey, Greg, can you get this man a Blue Hole? You got to try this thing.
I got news for you.
Our secret's out, and it stinks.
This manager's been to Paddy's, and he said it's nothing but a bunch of people yelling over each other.
Well So what? That's what we do.
We yell at each other, and if people want to tune in and listen, then they're welcome to.
Yeah, but I think that's off-putting to the customer.
I mean, Greg would never yell at Amanda.
All right, I'll tell you what we got to do.
We got to up our game.
We should host an industry night.
Invite all the people who vote who's in the industry to come to our bar, and we'll show 'em what we're made of.
Yeah, but I'd like to tweak a little bit of who we are and what we're made of, right? Yeah.
Soften the edges a little bit.
All right, we'll tweak it a little bit, we'll show these bastards who's award-worthy.
Yeah.
Yeah! Oh-ho! Drink! Drink! Okay, guys, if we're gonna show these industry folks tonight that we're likeable, we need to have some funny banter like Greg and Maxwell have.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna be zinging one-liners all night long.
Uh, actually, Dee, you won't be zinging anything around, because men are intimidated by funny women, all right? So, what we need you to be is just pretty and benign.
But we are gonna do a will-they- or-won't-they thing between you and Mac.
Dee and I don't want to be together.
No.
But the customers want you to be together.
That's fun for them.
Why would it be fun for them to watch two people not want to be together? Well, no.
You do want to be together, okay? The customers have to think that you think that you don't want to be together, but you do, deep down, want to be together.
The problem is, right now, I'm getting that you guys don't want to be together.
I need you to want to be together.
Ugh.
Question.
Yes, you're wondering how we're gonna make Dee attractive enough to where you'll want to be with her.
Yes.
Okay, see, what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna shellac her with makeup, and I'm gonna blast her with light to soften up all those features.
I am into that, yes.
Yes.
Okay, great.
So, guys, I got us banter cards.
Mac, you're gonna welcome the customer in, and then I'm gonna execute with a quip.
Let's give it a shot.
"Hey, I'm Mac.
Welcome to Paddy's Pub.
I would like to recommend to first-timers our signature blended drink, Caribbean Paradise.
People say it's better than an orgasm.
" Not that he's ever had one.
I've had orgasms! I've had tons of orgasms! I've had one with your mom, dude! I will strangle you, I'll stick my goddamn thumb through your eye! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, relax, relax.
Sit down.
What are you doing? Okay.
You came at me, and I gave it back to you hard, 'cause Uh, yeah, I'm getting that.
Look, I'm just doing the thing.
Oh.
See, what you just did-- that's how we normally talk.
That's very aggressive.
I came at you hard.
You came at me real hard, and people aren't comfortable with that sort of behavior.
That's why we're trying something different here, okay? Guys, memorize these lines, okay? We need to seem like it's coming off the cuff.
Right.
Plus, she didn't even feel a thing.
What? What? That's the punch line to Mac bang-banging our mom.
She didn't, she didn't even notice.
Oh, Dee, Jesus Christ, your timing is so bad.
He just said it.
There's a timing concern.
Look, stop.
Don't do the jokes, okay? Let's settle into our new roles here, okay? Little bit of role-play.
Change of plans.
Change of plans.
We got to go darker with Industry Night, edgier.
No, Frank, don't derail us.
We're doing bright lights, bright colors, and funny banter.
That's what wins.
Wrong.
Artemis and I went to a burlesque bar last night.
Eh, there were women stripping, but it was classy.
It was dimly lit.
They were serving martinis, period costumes.
There weren't a lot of people in there, but this bar has won a shitload of awards.
Do you guys think that our location is the problem? Hmm.
That could be it, yeah.
Well, no, see, there was that bar that just opened last year right down the street, and they've already won a ton of awards.
Oh, mm-hmm.
Oh, right.
Is it us? Ugh.
No way.
Us? No, no, no, it can't be us.
No way.
I highly doubt it's us.
It's everybody else.
It's their problem, not us.
We don't have the Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey! I got it! I got it! Got what? The Best Song.
I wrote the Best Song.
It's amazing.
Get with the program.
Yes, Charlie, please.
We're all clamoring to hear.
Whoa, they say The world's your oyster Ma'am, but oysters ain't for me You're the belle of the ball But you ain't my cup of tea They always vote you Best in Show But this doggie disagrees 'Cause I like life In Paddy's Pub Okay.
There's a place for me It's the place I go Where the beer is cheap And the lights are low It's Paddy's Pub I like Paddy's Pub Let the record show The greatest place to go Is that bar called Paddy's Pub I like life in Paddy's Pub My goodness! Hey, hey! Well, well, well.
My goodness.
You guys really like it? You're not just bullshitting me? It was pretty great! I tried to go right down the middle, you know, of Middle America, Randy Newman Yeah, I didn't catch any rape references, nothing about spiders, nothing about ghouls.
Why would there be rape? You're always talking about rape and spiders.
You guys misinterpret it, but Charlie, that was great.
It was really great.
You really knocked it out of the park.
Let's go down to the basement and get some lemons for the party.
Oh, yeah, sure, okay.
I'm glad you like the song, man.
Are you locking me in here?! Yeah.
Well, we just couldn't have him do that song.
Doesn't make any sense.
No.
It's ridiculous.
All right, let's put on a good show.
All right, people are starting to arrive.
This is great.
Okay, so when a customer comes up to you, remember, keep it light.
Light.
Keep it playful.
Playful.
Right? Y'all ain't got to worry about me.
'Cause I'm gonna be chatting these fools up like a mug.
Cool.
Okay, thanks, Z.
Yeah, I'm a little worried about him.
We should have gotten a less intense black guy for diversity, but we don't have any in our roster.
But maybe we could find another one, throw him into the mix? You know, to counter Z's vibe? You got to be really careful about the ratio.
We get too many black guys, people think it's a black bar.
That will not help us.
Black bars don't win awards.
No.
I don't know why, but they don't.
Loving these lights, you guys.
I am glowing like an angel over here.
Oh, my God.
Hi, can I get a drink? Hey, I'm Mac.
Welcome to Paddy's Pub.
I like to recommend to our first timers our signature cocktail-- Caribbean Paradise.
Some people say it's better than busting a nut.
Excuse me? Busting a nut.
It's like, uh, you know, blowing your load.
He said it was a funny joke.
Well, no hold on.
Yeah, it's like coming all over you.
It's light, it's playful.
Yeah, well, no, I think what my friend is trying to refer to is an orgasm, which is light and playful, but he overstepped himself and got a little bit too specific.
Sorry, we jizz in the drink and that's what makes it light.
No, no, nobody's jizzing on anything.
Well, where do I jizz? You don't jizz.
How can, how can I orgasm if I don't jizz? No, ma'am, I think what Just tell me where I jizz so I can give this lady her drink.
Ma'am, what would you like to drink? And we won't jizz on anything.
Not like Mac's ever had an orgasm.
Holy shit, you're late.
She was late.
Go back in your light.
We're all set up back there.
Deandra, grab a couple of bottles of champagne, let's go.
Yup.
N-N-No, I got it, I got it.
Dee, stay in your light.
Come with me, come here.
All right, listen, listen, listen.
What was that? All right, look, look, look, look.
You two do the charged moment.
Will they or won't they? Mm-hmm.
What's wrong, Dee? Oh, nothing.
Let me guess-- boyfriend troubles? Hmm.
This guy doesn't know what he's got.
He's really ugly, too.
I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Yeah.
I said her boyfriend's ugly.
Pay attention, bozo.
Okay, he's not ugly, all right? That wouldn't make any sense.
That's-that He's not ugly.
Dude's a total tool, too.
It's You know what he's not? He's not covered in stupid tattoos and he doesn't have a cigarette for a mother What?! Don't talk shit about my mom! Whoa.
Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop-- what the hell's going on over here? That man is choking that woman.
Get over here.
What are, what are you doing? This isn't will they or won't they? This is I know they won't and I know I don't want them to.
Excuse me, there's a guy crawling out of your floor.
Oh, uh, that-that's okay.
That's just our janitor.
Uh, don't worry about it, gentlemen.
What are you doing, dude? I broke out.
Are you high? You put, you put me in the basement with spray cans.
I got high.
Do me a favor, go back in the basement, okay? Get higher if you want.
Just go back in.
Don't sit down there.
No, no, no, no, no, don't, don't Goddamn it.
What are we gonna do? Oh, well, it looks like Z brought friends.
Yo, yo, yo.
What up? Oh! That's too many black guys, dude-- the ratio's off.
Dennis, the ratio is off! Okay, you know what? Ooh, ooh, ooh, the burlesque, remember? Burlesque, yes, yes, yes.
Hey, guys, guy gentlemen, gentlemen.
How about something a little bit more upscale, yeah? Here, come with me.
I want to show you something.
Yeah, this is classy.
Put it in.
Put the bottle in.
Oh, my God.
I did.
Put it in.
Get the bottle out, get the bottle out! I'm trying! Don't judge me-- this is art.
Shut the door.
This is not art.
Attention, attention, everybody.
I got a little ditty about Paddy's Pub.
I'm a singer.
Charlie's doing the song.
The song was light.
The song was light.
That'll lighten things up.
Do the song, dude, do the song.
Please enjoy this song.
There is a spider, spider Spider He's deep in my soul, soul He's lived here for years Years He just won't let go He's laying around He's got a mean bite Now he's ready To fight And stand up For what he knows I don't need your trophies Or your gold I just want to tell you all Go yourselves Oh, shit.
Go yourselves Ooh, wah-ooh Is he spitting? Is he spitting? Oh, he's spitting at them.
Is that the sign? That's the sign.
Spit! Spit! Hey, you! What is wrong with you people? Get out! We don't need you! Get out of here! I really mean to tell you you, I don't need you in my bar.
Beat it! There's your damn award.
Ooh Did you hear my song? I heard it.
I love it.
Great song, Charlie.
Yeah, man.
You know what, that felt good.
That felt real good.
I mean, I guess it is us after all, you know? It's us.
All right, it's us.
Screw them, you know why? 'Cause I like us.
I like us, too, Dee.
Well, because we're awesome.
Yeah, we're good at what we do.
Yeah! We do our own thing and we're good at it.
I don't need their validation.
That's exactly right.
No, no, I'm happy with us.
Totally.
I really wanted an award, though.
I was dying for one.
Ah, it'd be so nice.
Would've meant a lot.
Yeah.
Yeah.