Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e03 Episode Script

Tonight, the Invitationals continue.
Yeah! The comics will try to stand up and deliver.
Andi, what's your birth plan? I don't know out? For some, it's about redemption.
Sheng was here last year, and you didn't bring your A-game.
For others, it's about impressing Norm.
I don't know what you're talking about most of the time.
Nice little hug from Norm Macdonald.
And ultimately, it's about moving one step closer to the $250,000, an NBC development deal for their own show, and the title of Last Comic Standing.
You could win.
Please welcome your host of Last Comic Standing, Anthony Jeselnik! - Whoo! - Thank you.
And welcome to Last Comic Standing.
Tonight, it's our third Invitational show, and another group of talented comics will fight it out for a spot in the semifinals.
Not literally fight it out, of course.
Except for having the guts to perform onstage, comedians are total cowards.
Now, please say hello to our three legendary comedy judges, Keenen Ivory Wayans Roseanne Barr Thank you, thank you.
The wonderful Norm Macdonald.
We have an amazing lineup of comics tonight, and I use that word a lot.
So let's get this amazing show rolling.
From Jamaica, coming to us now from Las Vegas, which raises all kinds of red flags, it's Drew Thomas.
Being from Jamaica, there's a lot of pressure from your parents to get married, but nowadays, where can you go to find a good wife? You can go to clubs or bars.
I don't like going to bars.
Women walk up to you at a bar, look you up and down, size you up, see how much money you make.
I don't know if you make enough money for me, Mr.
Comedian.
Then when I walk her to her car at the end of the night, she got a green '94 Cavalier with a white driver's door.
And a red side mirror and the front bumper being held up with duct tape, and I'm like, I'm not good enough for you? You only came to this bar 'cause it's on a hill, so you could roll-start your car at the end of the night.
You could go to nightclubs and meet women, but I don't like going to nightclubs.
Everybody in the nightclub is a liar.
The men are lying.
The women are lying.
You got older women in the club trying to look young, but you know they older, 'cause they got that vaccine mark on their arm.
The part that scares me the most about marriage is the fact that men and women don't even look at marriage the same way.
When women talk about marriage, it's a happy occasion.
I'm getting married.
I got my ring.
I got my colors picked out.
I got four of my fat friends to stand next to me.
But it's not the same for the men.
When men talk about marriage with our friends, it sounds like something you get diagnosed with.
"Did you hear what happened to Charles?" "No, what?" "He's getting married.
" "No!" "When did he find out?" "She told him yesterday at dinner.
" Thank you guys so much.
Drew Thomas, everybody! Keenen, what did you think about Drew Thomas? Is everyting irie? Had to practice that for a month.
Yeah, everyting irie, mon.
Um I wrote some notes down, but then as you continued on, I was like, okay, well, this is his style.
My note was going to be to do the character, but that's not you.
You do the joke, and you do it very well.
The vaccine is brilliant.
- Thank you.
- 'Cause you know anybody with a vaccine mark on their arm That's pre-1960 right there! - That's what I was gonna say.
- Well Now, um, I don't know, you know, why you'd wear a hat out there and then hang it up and Why'd you do that? That was distracting.
But that was like the worst thing you did.
The rest of it was gold, especially the vaccine mark.
'Cause I have one! - It was fantastic.
- Norm, how about you? There's a comedian that you remind me of.
Do you know who I'm speaking of? No.
He was my favorite comedian.
He passed away a couple years ago.
- Patrice O'Neal? - Patrice O'Neal.
The reason I loved Patrice was he had his own truth, and he was going to tell ya, and he wasn't gonna take any prisoners, and that's a giant void to fill, Patrice O'Neal, because I felt he was the funniest guy in the world when he passed away.
But I see that in you.
I thought you were awesome.
Huge, huge compliment for Drew Thomas.
- Drew Thomas, everybody.
- Thank you.
Congrats, Drew.
Moving along to our next comic.
He's from Chicago, Illinois, so please make some "noi" for Mike Siegel! All right.
I got friends that are broke snobs.
You know these people? They don't have any money, but they turn their nose up at free stuff all the time.
You know? I got a buddy like that.
I'll be, hey, man, I got us free tickets for that concert you wanted to see.
Free tickets! He's like, yeah? Where are the seats? Where are the seats? Apparently, they're in the ungrateful bastard section.
I moved to this town.
I got into this business.
Someone told me I should incorporate myself.
So I did that.
Then I was between gigs, and I tried to get unemployment.
They told me to get unemployment, I was gonna have to fire myself.
I didn't want to do it.
But then I took another look at my performance from last year, and I think I had it coming.
Yeah.
So I called myself into the home office in the kitchen.
Apparently, there'd been rumors going around that this was gonna happen.
And, I let myself go.
I'm not proud of this, but on the way out, I stole some stuff.
We all go through tough times, and, this one woman I went out with, she had a divorce, had to move back in with her parents.
And I went to go pick her up, and she was running late, so I had to sit in the living room watching TV with her parents like prom night, you know? And they were fine, but they were, older, and then we were watching something on cable, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, these two guys on the screen just started making out, you know, out of nowhere.
And it didn't really shock me, but you could feel that old person tension in the room, like And I thought, you know, what better time, you know, for a joke? And, they didn't see it that way.
It's, like, very tense in the room, these two guys are going at it, and I was just like, "Wow, that that takes me back.
" Thank you.
Good night! Mike Siegel, everybody! Roseanne, if you could say anything to Mike, anything at all, what would it be? I love your point of view.
I love your attitude.
And what clever material, and I love the way you weave things through it.
I thought it was wonderful.
Awesome! Thanks, Roseanne.
Norm, what'd you think about Mike? Well, Mike is my favorite type of comic, you know, meat and potatoes, strong jokes.
I like that.
And a lot of comics don't like if another comic pitches them a joke that would go in with their material.
And I don't know how you feel about that.
I'll take tags from Norm Macdonald, sure.
Okay, well, I would say, you know, "And then I had to let myself go, which led to the whole sexual harassment suit" I had that in there, and I cut it out.
- Did ya? - I cut it out.
Well, I loved you.
I thought you were great.
Thanks.
It was obvious to me that you are a seasoned comic.
And you have very smart material and very clever material.
- Great job.
- Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Wonderful.
Mike Siegel, everybody.
- Thank you.
- Good job.
He had good premises.
Yeah, that was it.
Coming up, is this the Last Comic Standing? I think you're great.
You could win.
And then the competition gets nasty.
Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you Baby And later, this comic comes out swinging.
A lot of comedians just told you a bunch of soft-ass jokes.
Not this guy.
Welcome back Last Comic Standing.
Now we've got another comic on deck, but before she takes a swing, let's judge her by her backstory.
Check it out.
I'm Andi Smith.
I'm from Janesville, Wisconsin.
And I've been doing comedy now for 15 years.
About four years ago, I had my daughter Goldie.
She's changed me into a completely different person.
I used to be really cool.
Now I get really tired at, like, 8:30.
I said I would never cut my hair and get a mommy haircut.
- Look where we are.
Look where we are.
The struggle to be a working mom by yourself is daunting, so Goldie and I moved back in with my parents.
Mom, where's the coffee? Should be in the lower cupboard.
Right where it usually is.
I love my mom and dad, but moving back to your parents' house when you're quickly approaching 40 is a bit of a challenge.
So on slide three, - we're just gonna talk about - Andi? Do you want a liverwurst sandwich? No.
I've never wanted a liverwurst sandwich.
My mother doesn't really understand jokes in general.
I don't see her humor.
She says, "You know who I think is funny? "That guy that does the Where he stands on his knees and does the golfing jokes.
" Mom, are you referring to Dorf? Okay.
Can I ask you a question? Living with my parents is not all bad.
My mom's a great cook.
I don't have to do a lot of my own laundry.
But at the same time, It'd be nice not to have to live in my childhood bedroom.
So winning Last Comic Standing would be great.
It'd be wonderful.
Would you like to stay here forever? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
No.
Andi Smith, everybody.
I saw a story the other day about a lady who was keeping kids in cages.
And before I had a child, I would have reacted completely differently to that story.
That's really just a Pack 'n Play with a lid on it if you think about it, right? That's genius! She should put that on Pinterest or something.
Having a child scares you no matter what.
I have a friend in San Francisco.
She's one of these hippie ladies.
She eats, like, tree bark and tennis shoes.
I don't know what she does, but she's really annoying.
And she would call me up we were pregnant at the same time, and she'd go, "Andi, what's your birth plan?" "I don't know out?" "What What are you gonna do with yours?" You know? And she's like, "I've decided to have an at-home water birth.
" First of all gross! Are you gonna move after that? Yuck.
Right? Second, this is a medical procedure, right? You don't just put an inflatable pool in the living room and have at it.
And she's like, "Andi, "don't you want the first time your child meets you to be free of drugs and chemicals?" No.
No.
The first time you meet your mother, would you rather she be, like, sweaty and crying and in an inflatable pool or heavily medicated and in kind of a good mood? Yeah.
And I have no interest in sex anymore.
I don't want to do it ever.
I just I don't care anymore at all.
I'm not on board, you know? I tried to explain it to people too.
I'm like, once you have a child, the thrill of the gamble is gone, right? The jig is up! The way that I see it, I've been playing Russian roulette for, like, 20 some-odd years, and on April 30, 2012, I got shot! Thank you very much.
Andi Smith, everybody! Great, Andi.
Way to go.
Norm, talk to Andi about whatever you want.
I'll wait.
You have a lot of strengths, but the strength that will endure is your delivery.
When you did the joke about the caged, um, child and, then you said, "I would have reacted differently," and then it got a huge laugh, and that's the greatest.
And don't finish the sentence.
Because by not finishing the sentence, you make yourself the punch line, and that was amazing.
I loved it.
Thanks.
Keenen, what'd you think about Andi? I loved Andi.
I thought you did everything right.
I loved your your whole style is different and your point of view, being a mom and having kids and your take on it.
The anti-mom was just very funny.
- I thought you had a great set.
- Thank you.
Roseanne, finish her off.
I like that you're so audacious and you command your space, and your writing is just fantastic.
Um, you know, you could win.
Ladies and gentlemen, Andi Smith.
Way to go, Andi.
It felt good.
They seemed to like me, I guess, right? I don't know.
Roseanne said, she was like, you could win it! I'm like, there's more.
Like, you probably shouldn't say that so early on.
All right.
What's the point of stopping now? Am I right, ladies? Please welcome Joe List! Thanks, everybody.
I was talking to my buddy the other day.
I was confiding in him, I was like, "Man, I'm really self-conscious about my teeth.
" And he looked at them, and he was like, "Dude, all you need is Crest Whitening Strips.
" I was like, "Thanks, man.
I'm actually self-conscious that they're crooked, but" What the hell, let's throw yellow in there.
I had to go to a therapist 'cause I kept having panic attacks.
The therapist told me a panic attack is fight-or-flight phenomenon.
I don't know if you know that term.
That's when your brain prepares your body to fight or flee from whatever it's afraid of.
She said it happens in nature.
I was like, that's cool.
The only weird thing is, I get panic attacks when I'm talking to girls, so that's sort of a weird situation, you know.
I'll be in a bar after the show.
Some girl's like, "You were really funny tonight," and I'm like "I'm gonna have to fight this chick.
" I started doing yoga to help my anxiety, and yoga helps my anxiety after I'm done with it.
After yoga, I feel good.
During yoga, that's the most anxiety that I've ever had in my entire life.
If you're not familiar with yoga, it's usually me, that I've ever seen in my entire life.
I can't be publicly horny, homophobic, and relaxed all at the same time.
It's a lot of work, you know? Instructor's like, everyone, put your legs over your heads.
I'm like, my God, I was just gonna say that.
That was a great idea.
She's like, all right, everyone lay down on your tummies.
I'm like, I can't.
I have the largest erection of my entire life.
I am going to teeter-totter from shoulder to shoulder if I'm laying on my tummy.
Yoga's confusing.
I was there one time.
The instructor was like, "Joe, you have a lot of tension "in your back.
"You should be breathing into your back and then breathing out of your back.
" I was like, I have no idea what that means.
I am exclusively a face breather, so That's probably why I'm so tense.
I've been breathing out of my face for the last 30 years like a damn idiot not realizing I was supposed to be doing this whale style the entire time.
That's it for me.
Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Joe List! Whoo! Roseanne, how amazing was Joe List? Well, you're fantastic.
Thank you.
You too.
The fact that you write and deliver, it just goes so perfectly with the persona you're showing us.
It all just adds up.
It's pretty precise.
Thank you.
That's this is me.
I'm terrified.
Um, well, I think Joe is great.
I think Joe's a writer, and that's what he should pursue in his career.
You packed so many jokes in there, but at the end, I think you could even pack more of them.
And you're my favorite type of comedian.
But your future lies in writing.
That's what you should do.
That's great, man.
Norm Macdonald just called you ugly.
Yeah.
Keenen.
I thought Joe was great.
The imagery you created of trying to do yoga with an erection was Was hilarious, and all those things made it so that you didn't have to do a lot.
Your words created such great visuals that it didn't require a lot of animation, which was great.
- Thank you, well - Yeah.
Thanks.
I have an album available.
You want to plug your album right now.
You were doing so well.
No, I meant you could just listen.
That's what Okay, sorry.
It was supposed to be a joke.
I hate myself.
Anything else? You want some more rope? - Nope, that's all right.
- Nope! Joe List, everybody.
- Sheng was here last year.
- Yes.
You didn't bring your A-game that night.
Will the second time be the charm? Once I was walking home, and I heard somebody yell "ching-chong.
" I took it well, because my name is Sheng Wang.
The thing is, I'm on a cleanse right now, so this is all me right here.
Sheng Wang platter.
My name is Sheng Wang.
It rhymes.
And it's fun to say.
This is how I'm gonna party! Sheng Wang, Sheng Wang! Growing up, I used to not love this name, because it was, like, too Asian.
I think around middle school, I gave myself a nickname.
For years, I was named Jerry.
Sheng Jerry.
When I got to high school, in my homeroom, there was another kid named Jerry Wang.
And then I was like, well, I guess I'll just go back to my roots.
I was on Last Comic Standing last year.
Sheng Wang, y'all! I got cut in the first round.
I didn't come in with the right strategy.
I just kind of was saving some of my favorite jokes for later.
Sheng, Sheng, you're up! This time, I'm gonna be a little bit more strategic about how I choose my jokes.
Give a warm welcome to Sheng Wang! I do live in New York, and, um, once I was walking home, and I heard somebody yell "ching-chong.
" And I saw him.
He was a grown man.
He yelled out loud, "Ching chong.
" I took it well, because my name is Sheng Wang.
Yeah, I think you're gonna have to hit me a little bit harder.
I regret to inform you, but your hate is weak.
It's weak.
I'm sorry.
My mama beat you to the punch.
I used to live here in California.
I used to have a prescription for medical marijuana.
It's not a big deal, but for the first time in my life, I purchased marijuana with my credit card.
That just feels nice.
It I swiped it.
Transaction went through.
No problems.
Got 120 points for airfare.
Yeah.
That is a good drug deal.
The weird thing was, two days later, I went to the Red Cross website because I wanted to give those good folks just a little bit of money.
Immediately, my credit card got frozen for suspicious activity.
Messed me up, right? Two days ago, I bought weed.
My credit card company was like, it's a $120 drug deal.
Yeah.
That's Sheng Wang.
That is what he does.
Two days later, my credit card company's like, it's a $12 contribution to the Red Cross.
Hold up! That's not the Sheng we know.
He must have got hacked by a philanthropist.
Thank you guys very much.
Sheng Wang! Sheng Wang! - Man, great job, Sheng.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Roseanne.
- A lot of great writing.
My favorite one "hijacked by a philanthropist.
" That was some great material, and you've got great delivery, likable, authoritative.
Great set.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Norm, what'd you think of the Wang man? Well, the opening joke was amazing, and I can tell you're a great writer.
And I think you're gonna be around at the end for sure.
Thank you! Keenen.
Well, Sheng was here last year.
- Yeah.
- Yes.
And I was a fan of his, but our note to him was you didn't bring your A-game that night.
True.
He came back tonight.
He brought the A-game.
- Yeah.
- You killed it.
Show your appreciation for Sheng Wang, everybody.
Thank you very much.
I have a pillow over my legs, because if I don't, it's gonna be a whole new show 'cause this dress is too short.
I can't wait.
This is a long way from where I came from.
I started as a street performer performing on the streets of Venice Beach, and here I am on national television, so I'm pretty excited to show America what I have.
Good stuff, good stuff.
This is dangerous, what I'm about to do right here.
Don't try this at home.
Razor-sharp knives! Relax.
I'm a skilled professional.
I know what I'm doing.
Everybody relax.
Okay, here we go.
Juggling and looking away.
Thank you.
Two balls! Four balls! Nothing could prepare me for moving to LA, though, as a normal-sized woman.
Do you know they weigh you at LAX? If you're over, like, 120, 125, they do not let you into the Los Angeles area.
They just put you in a room with Triscuits and grapes until you get into fighting shape.
It is intense! My mother is a quiet, conservative Italian-American.
And I never knew how she felt about me being gay until one day I come home and she goes, "I cannot wait for you to meet the new neighbors.
" I go, "Why?" She goes, "They have two male dogs, "and we think they're gay! "So I told them all about you, and now we want you to tell us if the dogs are really gay.
" The whole backyard is fenced in by 6-foot-high chain-link fencing, right? So I look at them, and I go, "Here's the problem.
Your dogs aren't naturally gay.
They're just prison gay.
" Growing up, I was the black sheep of the family.
Even in our home movies, I was always an extra.
I recently had a big fire in my apartment too.
I lost everything except my slinky.
It made it down the fire escape.
I have a dog, he's half St.
Bernard, half pit bull, so he likes to save people and then kill them.
Love R&B.
I think R&B's the absolute greatest musical genre there is.
But R&B's evolved to a very weird and vulgar place.
It is not where it used to be at all, right? Like, I like the classics.
R&B in the '70s, it was all about heartbreak.
You have grown men dressed like Big Bird singing to you.
They have those long intros.
Do do do do Do do do do My wife left me the other day and That was the same day my whole family died My favorite, though, is R&B in the '90s, 'cause in the '90s, it got a little more sensual.
Yeah.
But it was still respectful.
Every song was like Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you Baby Boom.
Key change.
Baby, I wanna put a baby inside of you Like, yo, he wants her pregnant! Thank you guys so much.
I think you have great presence, but I felt like the material was familiar.
I thought that was some excellent social critique in a whole new different package.
It was electrifying.
I loved it.
Thank you very much.
Martin Marrow, everybody! Martin Morrow.
I don't know how we're gonna judge this down.
When we return, it's game time for Priya Prasad.
Hello, it's me, the Shaquille O'Neal of Indian women.
And we're back Last Comic Standing.
Our next comic is backstage ready to impress the judges.
Before she comes out, let's take a behind-the-scenes look at Priya Prasad! - Hi.
- My goodness! Hi, Mama! My name is Priya Prasad.
I'm from Bellevue, Washington, and my parents are originally from Bangalore, India.
I grew up in a very traditional Indian household.
My parents made sure that I was involved in my Indian culture.
They would take me to India every other year, and I was known as the Indian kid who plays the sitar.
I consider my parents to be traditional but with a nontraditional heart? Hit it.
In the Indian culture, it's pretty common for kids to grow up and be doctors or lawyers.
One of our friends told us, "Do you know that your daughter's doing stand-up comedy? I said, "What?" Comedy it's catching up in India very heavily right now.
The youngsters are loving it.
If I didn't have the experiences that I've had with both my parents who have a little bit of crazy in their noggin, I don't think I'd have any material.
Tell me about the Last Comic Standing.
Mostly I'm gonna make fun of you and Mom.
So Being on Last Comic Standing is a huge honor, and my parents are super-excited.
Winning would mean that I made the right choice about becoming a comedian.
It's a thrill that she's gonna be part of Last Comic Standing.
We're very, very proud of Priya.
Yes, absolutely proud.
Priya Prasad! Yes, you guys, hello! It's me, the Shaquille O'Neal of Indian women! I'm here! It's me! I don't know if my standards are just really high or what, but here's an example I met this guy recently.
We were having a really good conversation.
Everything was going great until I asked him what he did for a living.
And that's when he said, "I am an ambulampse driver.
" I'm sorry, you're a what? What does it say on the side of your ambulampse? So I looked at him and I said, "Irregardless "of the fact that it's been great to conversate with you, "I'm finnin' to go over here and have some scrimp cocktail.
" Pow! Anyone else get offended when you see signs outside of stores that say "Indian hair sold here"? I wish they'd be more subtle about it, you know? It could say something like, Eastern locks of love available here.
Strands from the sands on sale! You know, other stores are subtle about it.
You don't seen signs outside of stores that say "Trinkets we stole after we raped and pillaged an African village.
" No, it says Cost Plus World Market 'cause they're subtle.
I'm gonna leave you with one statement, you guys.
Let me get through the whole thing.
Dear black girlfriends of mine, how come I can go in the rain with my hair, but you can't go in the rain with my hair? Thank you, guys.
My name is Priya Prasad.
Priya Prasad! Now, Keenen.
I see here you only been doing stand-up for five years.
Well, the next five years is where your growth is.
And part of the problem with the writing of the jokes was you were too safe.
- The thing is - I don't think so.
Well, I'll give you an example.
Your joke would have been funnier had you just said it was a black guy who said ambulampse and shrimp and you know.
You didn't you didn't tell us.
And we knew, but you didn't wanna say it.
Okay.
And the thing is, you know, you have to be pacific.
It's time to get bold, and it's time to get dangerous.
Go out there, take those chances.
- Okay.
- And you have the intelligence, - so those jokes will come.
- Okay.
Norm.
I feel like you're funny, but to be a comic, the most important thing is to be able to write jokes.
And so I feel like you should be a comic actress.
You should go I don't know where they go.
Groundlings or something like that.
Groundlings, here I come.
A nice little hug from Norm Macdonald.
Well, when you say "Groundlings, here I come," is that where you feel you should be? Yeah.
I'll take the advice, and I'll work on it.
- I'll work on the writing.
- No, don't work on the writing.
- Don't work on the writing.
- Don't work on the writing.
- You're a comic actress.
- Okay.
Other people will write you good stuff.
- Okay.
- Will Ferrell, a friend of mine, never did a stand-up moment in his life, you know? Actually, he did once, and he he was horrible.
Excuse me she had a couple of ball-busting jokes.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Her thing about Cost Plus, that was fierce.
Her stuff about the hair, that was fierce too.
Thank you.
Well, Roseanne just She just made my point.
You're fierce.
That's where you need to stay.
- That's where you need to go.
- Okay.
I got it.
Keep it going for Priya Prasad, everybody.
That "pacific" line was awesome.
That was killer.
Killer line.
That was the line of the night.
Coming up, is this comic on track to win it all? I live in New York.
Comedian friend of mine convinced me to do stand-up comedy on the train.
We are not friends anymore.
Then, it's results time.
And the last comic moving on to the semifinals is Now, if you're wondering what would cause a person to turn to a life of stand-up comedy, which is something I'm just gonna assume about you, take a look at this.
I'm ready.
Ready.
My name is Shakir Standley.
My friends call me Shak.
My lady friends call me Love Shak.
No, they don't.
That is a complete lie.
This guy That's the nicest thing - Should I say more? - Anybody's ever said to me.
I'm currently a cast member on the improv show Wild 'N Out.
Now that I'm on TV, this chick who didn't believe in me I can get back at her.
In your face, Grandma! I grew up on the West Side of Chicago.
I played basketball for a while, and then everybody started growing, and I didn't, and you kind of need to be tall to play basketball.
I was like, I gotta find something else.
So I kind of developed a sense of humor, and look at me now.
Look at me no Shakir, he's one of those people that is just naturally funny because it's effortless.
You know, he walks in the room, the way he looks at you, the way he carries himself is just funny.
I'm weird.
I am a weird guy.
Being on Wild 'N Out, you have to rely on your teammates.
When I do stand-up, I'm in complete control of the ride I want the audience to go on.
I want stand-up to be the only thing I do for a living, and I think winning the Last Comic Standing could make that, like, real.
I don't want Shakir to win, because I think Shak's great on Wild 'N Out.
So come in, like, fourth.
Shakir Standley! A lot of comedians just told you a bunch of soft-ass jokes! Not this guy.
See, when you watch Shakir Standley do stand-up, you better know that you're only gonna get that raw, uncut gangster material.
So let's get into it! I like soup! Yeah, I said it.
Lentil! Black bean! New England clam chowder.
Yo, no disrespect to you, young lady, but you kind of remind me of New England clam chowder 'cause you appear to be both rich and creamy.
Boo-yah! Don't get me started.
Don't get me started! I live in New York.
Recently, a comedian friend of mine convinced me to do stand-up comedy on the train.
We are not friends anymore, all right? But I did it, and this is what happened.
I get on the train.
I say, "Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Shakir Standley.
"I'm a stand-up comedian.
I don't want any money.
I just wanna tell you guys some jokes," right? So I start my first joke, and this Ukrainian guy stands up, and he goes, "No!" And, you know, I did not know what to do.
So I kept going.
He just got angrier and angrier.
He starts cursing at me.
He's like he's like, "Fudge you!" But there's this heavyset middle-aged black woman sitting in front of him.
So she turns around, and she goes, "Excuse me! "There are children on this train!" So the guy shuts up and sits down, and the woman turns around to me and goes, "Now, go on ahead and tell your joke, baby.
" That woman is now my manager.
Guys, my name is Shak Standley! You've been great.
Thank you so much! Whoo! Shakir Standley, everybody.
Hard as nails, Shakir Standley.
Keenen, what'd you think about Shakir? You made me laugh from the moment you came out.
Yeah.
You didn't do conventional sort of set up punch lines thing, but the rhythm of it was still in the stand-up mode, and it was really, really funny.
Thank you so much.
Norm, you gonna jump on board this love train? Naw, I can't do it.
The character, I like.
There was an elfin innocence to it.
You seem funny to me, but, um, I don't know what you're talking about most of the time.
Now, that could be my fault Yeah, I understand what he's saying Maybe a little bit too hip for the room.
But I think that was more about the construction of your set.
You did great.
Shakir Standley, everybody.
Do with that what you will.
Shakir Standley.
Good stuff! That was the final performance of the evening, and now the comics are at the mercy of our legendary judges.
So we have to decide if we're gonna put these two in.
Wait, wait, what about him? He was good.
This guy we liked him, right? Yeah, we liked him.
I think I have a pretty good shot at moving on.
The crowd seemed to respond well.
I'm really happy with how I did.
Keenen said I had a good stage presence.
Roseanne said I was fierce.
So I would love to move on in this competition if that happens for me.
I feel really good.
Roseanne and Norm had some great words for me.
If it's like two out of three, I'll probably move forward.
Welcome back.
We're moments away from revealing the judges' selections for the semifinals.
The first comic moving on tonight is Sheng Wang! This year, I made sure to bring my A-game.
So far, it's paid off.
I'm super stoked.
Joe List! Mike Siegel.
Drew Thomas.
Andi Smith.
Amir Gollan.
Brad Loekle.
And tonight, the last comic moving on to the semifinals is Shakir Standley.
I feel great.
I feel like I got a shot.
Soup-based comedy.
You're seeing it here.
There you have it.
Next week, it's our fourth and final Invitational show.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
We'll see you next week.
Eight comedians from tonight's show have moved on.
They'll join the previous 23 semifinalists in the next round.