My Family (2000) s09e03 Episode Script

(Susan) Then she called out of the blue.
I didn't recognise her voice.
Mm-hm.
- It was such a pleasant surprise.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It must be 30 years since we last saw each other and there she was on the phone.
- Yeah.
- Can you believe it? No? - Neither can I.
- Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
We were such good friends at university.
It's a shame that two people so close can just grow apart.
Yeah.
You're not listening to me, are you? Yea No? - Too late.
- Look, Susan If you turn this whole diatribe into an action thriller - I promise to read it.
- This is serious.
Margot is going through a tough time.
She's getting a divorce.
Jason Bourne's got his problems and people are trying to kill him! You and he are about to have something in common.
OK, fine.
Go on, I'm all yours.
Margot is a friend in need and we are going to be there for her.
We? Sorry, Susan, this sounds like a one-person job to me.
She must be devastated.
Imagine how hard it would be if, after all these years, you were suddenly left alone.
Ben! I should have known 20 years ago Phil was going to be trouble.
I should have gone with my instincts.
(Shouts) I'm home.
Well, everyone makes mistakes.
Hi, Ben.
This is my friend, Margot.
Oh, Margot! I've heard so much about you.
All of it last night! So, you're the one that took Susan off the market? Yes.
Impulse buy.
We were catching up on old times.
Do you want to join us? Not really, don't want to get in the middle of a reunion.
I must admit the thought of dating again terrifies me.
- Nonsense, you'll be fine.
- That's easy for you to say! You were always so good at picking up men! You should have seen her back then.
She had all the boys wrapped around her little finger.
Boys? Really? You told me you only had one boyfriend at university.
One or two.
- Ha! One or two dozen! - (Susan giggles) Really? - Whatever happened to Nick? - Nick? Ha! He moved out ages ago.
Good riddance.
Nick lived with you? Yes, he lived with us.
He's our son.
(Laughs) Oh! I meant Susan's old boyfriend, Nick.
Hang on.
You named our firstborn after one of your boyfriends? I just liked the name.
I like pizza but I'm not going to call my son Pepperoni! Oh, don't worry, Ben.
She was never serious about Nick.
I always thought you'd end up with Michael.
Michael?! It was so long ago.
You named our children after your exes? What about Janey? Everybody experiments.
This is the last of Abi's stuff.
I want her belongings to be somewhere they'll be treasured and treated with the respect they deserve.
Whoa! Is that an electric toothbrush? There's only one Abi.
I think we'd all agree on that.
I'll never find anyone else.
Sure you will.
Roger, you're better off.
You'll see.
Just give it time.
Janey's right.
Time heals all wounds.
In another 50 years you'll be dead so you won't have to think about it.
Thank you, Alfie.
You're my rock.
I know how difficult this is for you.
After my divorce I wondered if I'd find someone else.
It took you two minutes.
That wasn't love.
Roger, maybe it's time you got back out there.
No one would have me.
That's not true! There's a lot of women who would have you.
Like? Yeah, Janey.
Like who? Like Elke! Who's Elke? Yes, Janey.
Who's Elke? Elke.
You, you know, Elke.
She's, er, she-she's Swedish.
- Ooh! A Swede.
- Yeah.
- That's so exotic.
- Uh-huh.
Does she have blonde hair? Sure.
Why not? And And she really showed an interest in me? Well, how did she even see me? She's a friend of a friend of a friend of mine and she was over and The point is, if Elke likes you there will be others.
Oh, just when you think you've hit rock bottom something like this comes along.
Thank you, Janey.
A blonde, Swedish girl called Elke? What was I supposed to do? The poor guy is a wreck.
I was just being nice.
I know.
I just didn't know that side of you existed.
So So what? This Elke girl.
How about giving me a crack at her first? - Would you like to talk? - No.
Ben, I'm sorry When I said I didn't want to talk, I meant I didn't want you to talk either.
- Is there anything you'd like to do? - Oh yes! But it'd take too much effort.
It involves digging a large hole in the back yard.
All right, I get it.
You'll talk when you're ready.
We should have something named after one of my girlfriends in this house.
Hm.
How about a Labrador called Shirley? I didn't think you liked dogs.
I didn't like Shirley much but that's not the point.
I know you're upset, but think about it.
I may have named our children after old boyfriends but I had children with you.
Hm.
I got the short end of that stick! I can't help it if I dated people with great names.
I am going to name my children with more appropriate names.
I'm going to name Janey Genevieve, after a university girlfriend.
- I'm going to name Michael Lewis.
- You experimented too! He was my grandfather.
I can't look at you without picturing you with all those men and that, that woman.
Blonde, was she? - What does that matter? - It's for later.
Hi, Dad.
Lewis.
Erm, my name's Michael.
Ah, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy, Lewy.
My little Lewy.
- Are you having a stroke? - Mm-hm.
From now on, Michael, you will be called Lewis.
You, Janey, will be called Genevieve.
And you, Alfie, can still be Alfie.
Unless You didn't have an Alfie as well? It was a one-nighter, Ben, it didn't mean anything.
Hang on, I am fairly certain I would have remembered that.
We're talking about a different Alfie.
That's a relief.
When you said it didn't mean anything that really hurt my feelings.
(Doorbell) - I'll get it.
- Thank you Lewis.
- I made you French toast, dear.
- Oh, did you, dear? Oh, that's so lovely of you but I think I'll just have coffee.
- Morning.
- Is it? Morning, Margot.
How are you? Better.
Oh, I just love being round here.
Without Phil around my place is so quiet.
There's no one to talk to.
Nothing to do but read or watch telly.
Oh, what torture! I've got a favour to ask you.
A friend told me that Phil's going on a date this weekend.
I was thinking about going out to find somebody to make him jealous.
Do you want to come? I know it sounds petty.
I love being petty.
It'll be fun.
Janey, do you want to join us on a girls' night out? Mum, pulling middle-aged men isn't my idea of fun! I'm not 20 any more! I guess it's just you and me then.
- No.
And me.
- What? I thought I'd take Margot down to the local.
Meet some of my mates.
You don't have any mates.
It couldn't hurt, Susan.
Frankly, I could use some cheering up.
My divorce papers came through today.
Divorce papers? May I see? Oooh! Mm.
Mm.
What? I just want to know what they felt like.
My turn.
OK, Margot.
A white wine for you, a pint for me and a Mojito for the old slapper.
Get over it, Ben.
It won't be too difficult to find you someone.
I'm very popular.
Ah! Hi, Kenny.
Go to hell, Harper.
He's a kidder.
He's a Kenny the Kidder they call him.
Perhaps you should find a new local.
One where you're not so popular.
I am very popular, Susan.
Listen.
I bet I was much better at pulling than you ever were.
OK, Ben.
You're on.
You've got one hour.
Whoever has the most phone numbers wins.
Oh really? OK, come on.
Let battle commence.
- Game on.
- Game on.
Maybe we should get out of here.
This was a stupid idea.
Oh, no.
I'm going to stomp Ben like a bunch of grapes.
And find you a man! - Do you know those two ladies? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
The one with long, dark hair, she's called Margot.
I'd go for her.
I was thinking about her friend, she's pretty cute.
- Cute? - Yeah.
If you like hepatitis.
Hi! My name's Ben.
Anne.
Hi, Anne.
- What are you drinking? - A vodka martini.
Mmm.
If you're shaken, I'm stirred.
I'll get that.
Thank you.
That will be L7.
Can you just give me your phone number? Cheers.
I'm flattered, Andy, but I think what keeps me so limber is that I used to be a gymnast.
Now I'm more into tantric yoga, you know, the kind where you work up a sweat.
I'd tell you more, but I need your phone number first.
Thank you.
(Huskily) Hey erm, my name's Ben Harper.
I was just wondering if you'd give me your phone number.
Thank you very much.
(Quietly) Sorry.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
(Laughter) Erm, it's very simple.
I give you five pounds if you give me your phone number.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's nothing creepy.
It's just that erm I'm using you to get to my wife.
OK.
(Man) So, what can I get you? - White wine, please.
- Sure.
Oh, er, I'll get that.
Thanks, that's very sweet of you.
Not at all.
Hi.
My name is Ben.
Just erm Would you mind giving me your number if I promise not to ring you? I like a man with a sense of humour and a sexy voice.
- (Huskily) Oh, really? - Mmm.
Can I touch your face? It helps me get to know who I'm talking to.
Yeah, sure, sure.
I don't think it's going to happen.
By the way, did you tell Roger you made up the whole Elke thing? You know Roger.
It's in one ear and out the other.
He'd have walked out the door, seen something shiny and forgotten.
- Somebody ask me a question.
- Why? I'll answer you in Swedish.
I've been learning it to impress Elke.
- When do you think I can meet her? - It's hard to say, Roger.
Almost impossible to say.
Why? Er, because she volunteers.
A lot.
She sounds so perfect for me.
Who does she volunteer for? Charity.
Sickness in general.
What a girl! Janey, can I have a word? I'm not sure the best way to help Roger is by having his heart broken by an imaginary Swedish girl as wonderful as she is.
I'm only trying to raise his spirits.
It's not going to end well.
When I was a boy I had an imaginary friend.
I was devastated when I found out I had made him up.
Right now Elke is all he's got and I won't take her away from him.
I'm not going to let her string him along.
I'm going to put a stop to this right now! Roger, I have something to tell you.
What? This Elke Janey made her dinner once.
She loved it.
He's all yours.
Well, I have 18.
How many do you have? One.
- What? This doesn't count.
- Why not? Because it's from a man.
- You didn't specify gender.
- I didn't think we had to! Technically, Jared's a female trapped in a man's body.
I think I'm going home.
I only wish we'd found someone for you.
I just didn't really connect with anyone.
It's a shame because I really wanted to make Phil jealous by turning up with a date of my own.
Wait.
Phil's never met Ben, has he? No.
If you're really desperate why don't you borrow him? Might be worth a shot.
Hello, sorry.
Anyone want my opinion? Why? You're not doing anything Friday night.
Erm, not doing I was looking forward to that.
Oh, Ben! What kind of husband are you that won't go out with my friend? All you have to do is sit and look pretty.
- Really? That sounds simple enough.
- Thank you, darling.
Oh, no, no! Jared's looking jealous.
Oh, darling! For me? - For your date.
- For my Very good! - I wouldn't have thought of that.
- I know.
Hurry and get changed.
Changed? What's wrong with what I've got on? I could explain but it would be faster if you changed.
I'll find something for you.
When you get to the restaurant, make sure Margot is seated before you sit down.
- Pretend to hang on her every word.
- Mm-hm.
And try not to shovel the food in, it's not a race.
I have done this before, you know.
Not very well.
Remember, you're there to make her ex-husband jealous.
You have to make it look romantic.
What makes you think I can't be romantic? No reason.
- What are you doing? - Oh.
These are for Roger.
Haven't you done enough to that poor man? No, I've handled it.
Roger's coming over tonight to meet Elke.
That should be very interesting.
Can I be here? You have to be here.
You're Elke! Not on your life! Listen, I've got it figured out, OK? Once Roger arrives, you ring my phone.
I pretend you're Elke and you can't make it because you've left the country.
Roger gets let down gently, everybody's happy.
So, when you said you'd handled it, you sort of didn't handle it.
- What's he doing now? - What? Hm? I think he's just told her a joke.
(Laughs loudly) Margot, Margot, Margot, Margot! Just tone it down just a gnat's.
You're sounding a little insane.
We've got to look as if we're having more fun than them.
Leave it to me.
Could I have a bottle of your finest champagne, please? Because you, Margot, you are worth it.
You are paying for this? - Yes! I'm using Phil's credit card.
- Good.
Two bottles of your finest champagne.
What's he doing now? Give me your hand.
- Oh, really? - Mmm.
(Ben) Oh.
- What about now? - Mm-hm.
He's feeding her.
- What do we do? - Feed me! It's soup.
So? - What are you doing? - Looking for some chicken! Just get on with it! No! Don't go round.
Reach across! Oh, what's he doing now? He's feeding her again.
Here we go.
Down the old hatch.
What time did Elke say she was coming? Oh, I'm not sure.
It's not like her to be late! I'm sure she will be here any time! (Mobile rings) Oh.
I wonder who that could be? Hello? Elke! We were just talking about you.
This is the stupidest idea you've ever had.
Good.
That's nice.
Nice to speak to you too.
What? Oh, that-that-that's terrible.
You can't make it? Why? Because I don't exist.
Roger's going to be so, so, so, so disappointed.
- She's gone back to Sweden.
- Let me speak to her.
Did he say, "Let me speak to her"? I'd really like to, please? Janey, no.
there is no way I am speaking to Roger.
Oh! Hi, er, hi, hi, er, Elke? (High-pitched) Ja? It, it's me.
Roger.
Ja? This is a very good connection.
You sound like you're in the next room.
Ja.
(Speaks Swedish) Ja? She said yes! Oh! Bye, Elke.
Oh! Hej da.
What did you ask her? She knows.
- Look at him! Phil's miserable.
- I'm sorry.
Who's Phil? To us.
- We did it.
- We certainly did.
Oh, look.
Look.
He's looking very, very upset.
- (Sighs) Oh! Thank you, Ben.
- Cheers.
Well, my job is done and I think I think I'd better be going home.
One more bottle before we leave.
What's the harm? (Dramatic music on TV) Have you seen Ben? Well, I've been up since three and I haven't seen him.
Why were you up at three? Even though, intellectually, I know there are no animals to feed my body refuses to believe it.
Then he never came home last night.
Wasn't he on a date with your friend? - Yes.
- Oh no.
"Oh no" what? Maybe you made him a little bit too irresistible, Mrs Harper.
What? Or maybe he drove off the road and had a terrible car accident.
For Ben's sake, it had better be the car accident.
(Ben) Oh, my head! Susan, have you got any aspirin? Su? Have you got Su? Mm-hm? (Silent scream) Oh! Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Oh God! What have I done? Yep, yep, yep.
She's naked.
Yep, she's She's Just calm down, Harper.
Take a big, deep breath.
It's all right.
Don't panic.
(Knocking at door) (Softly) Don't panic.
What are you doing here? Panicking! (Buzzer and knocking) (Susan) Margot! It's all right.
It's only Susan.
(Knocking) (Susan) Margot! (Ben mumbling) I'm going to climb out your window.
I'm on the fourth floor! It's preferable to what's on the other side of that door! Don't worry.
We've got nothing to hide.
- She said she was OK with it.
- I don't think she meant "it"! (Susan) Margot! Where is he? You know, Susan, the whole thing is really quite funny.
Yes.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ben! It's fairly obvious you're in the wardrobe.
(Mouths) I am going to count to three.
When I reach three, I'm going to assume you're not in the wardrobe and therefore won't be in danger when I set fire to it.
One.
Two.
- I can explain everything.
- Ben, get out here! I'd rather not.
How could you? Susan, I swear to you, nothing happened.
Nothing Nothing happened, did it? (Stammers) We didn't do anything! We'd just had too much to drink, that's all.
Ben was nice enough to see me home.
He sang two verses of I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt and then passed out.
(Man knocks at door) Margot! It's Phil! My God! I need to talk to you! - Susan hide! - Why? If he finds you and Ben, he'll never understand! He'll think it's Clacton all over again! Listen, Margot Susan, please! Did I ever make a play for one of your boyfriends? No, but I could trust them.
Maybe you should have married one of them! Maybe I should! Get in! I'll see what he wants, get rid of him, and we'll sort out this whole affair.
- Affair is a bad choice of words! - Please! I'm trying to save my marriage! - I'm not hiding with him.
- I'm not hiding with you either.
Shut up! You have the worst friends.
I have an even worse husband! Look.
Let's just calm down and think.
I, I swear to you, I didn't do anything! Prove it.
I drank champagne.
I drank champagne.
You know what happens when I drink champagne.
Oh, thank God! You really didn't sleep with her! (Phil) Seeing you with that other man made me realise I'm still in love with you.
(Margot) I'm still in love with you too.
(Phil) Really? The two of you looked awfully cosy last night.
(Margot) Oh please! He's a dentist for God's sake! (Phil) A dentist? What's so funny? (Laughter) (Phil) It's not serious? (Margot) No, the man's a complete bore! What the hell?! I could never live without you.
I couldn't live without you either.
Well, I could but er it wouldn't be as much fun.
Oh, Ben.
(Ben) Easy, tiger! - I'm sorry, darling.
- Oh, I'm sorry too.
What the hell is going on? - Do you mind? - Excuse me! (Mobile ringing) Oh, it's Roger.
Hello? What do you need? Elke's number.
I'm in Sweden! Sweden? What are you doing in Sweden? Well, I asked if I could come and visit and she said "Ja".
Don't you remember? You were sitting right there.
Nice going, Elke!