Shameless s09e03 Episode Script

Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about knowing fuck all about owt needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky-high, literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots.
Now you've got your ConDemNation, Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke or what? Is revolution a word, or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester, and they charge us for water! I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found.
This green and pleasant land in ancient times Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak! It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now! Paaaarty! 'Every uncle or auntie I had 'swore blind that they saw The Beatles play The Cavern.
'And all you saw down Matthew Street was people that claimed 'they spat at Johnny Rotten or danced to Joy Division at Eric's.
'But not me.
'I was too young for those bands.
'I always felt that I was never in the right place at the right time.
'I never saw The Beatles, the Pistols or Joy Division.
'My time was different.
' Mimi? Mimi! Mimi? Mimi! You all right? Never better, sweetheart.
'I always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
' Thought you'd called it a night.
No way.
You know me, I'm one of the original 24-hour party people! What's up? See anything wrong with this picture? What picture? Jesus, babe, we're different from them.
So what? "Different" doesn't last.
"The same" lasts.
It's all about you and me, remember? Fuck the rest.
C'mon, are you up for some more? God, yeah! D'you know what? On second thoughts You've just had a couple of lines and a pill.
Baking soda.
Aspirin.
Let's go home.
OK, if that's what you want.
Southern Cemetery then a memorial lunch at the Midland.
Could be nice.
No, we're going to St Pat's, and that's the end of it.
The shortest mass in Manchester.
Like fucking vultures, you two.
The Funeral Crashers.
It's a social responsibility.
It's a free lunch.
It's a buzz.
You never know what's going to happen at a funeral all that pent-up frustration and years of resentment and bitterness, the Yin and Yang of familial love and hate.
You're very strange, Mrs Croker, if you don't mind me saying.
I consider it a compliment.
Looking well, both.
Thank you.
Considering.
Yeah, Lillian, we get the message.
Time to make tracks.
Got to get there early if we want a decent seat.
She's keen.
The deceased was a close personal friend.
Whatever you say.
What's up with your face? Everyone keeps banging on about how well we're doing.
Well, we are.
There you go.
You said it'd take years off.
Hairdresser, not a supplier of miracles.
Could get a little work done.
Not uncommon these days.
Upstairs or down? Downstairs is as good as new, thank you very much.
Me and me mister are hand in glove.
I only ask cos the older woman sometimes has a lift down below.
Tightens things up for the new tenant.
Demi, our Babs, Liz Taylor You've gotta love the Cougars.
You mean all those girls had the God, no! Liz couldn't, not with her back.
And the fact she is dead.
Sorry, and there is that.
And when they did Joany, they made a little person from the excess, and that's how we've got Simon Cowell.
What d'you think I'd need? A head transplant.
Enough with the fucking wisecracks.
I'm serious here.
About cosmetic surgery? You're in your prime, Meems.
I'm gonna lose him.
Maybe not now, but sometime.
What's he done? Who? Billy.
Nothing! If that little fucker is dipping his wick, I'll He isn't.
He hasn't done anything.
It's not him, it's me.
I can't be everything he needs.
These sandwiches taste of feet.
Anyone for a top-up? No, thank you.
No, I really couldn't.
Any more sherry, I'll be shitting doilies.
I'll have some.
Incoming at nine o'clock.
Insurance salesman, I'm thinking, or ambulance chaser.
We might get a free pen.
Afternoon, ladies.
Thank you for coming.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Indeed.
Did you know Irene well? Very close, we were, at one time.
Who's Irene? The lady who passed away so tragically.
So, when were you close? Back in the day, in the '60s.
Too long ago to remember.
No, please, do try.
It's wonderful meeting people who knew my mum.
Your mum? Well She loved travel, your mother.
She did, especially in the '60s.
We travelled together all over, across Europe, North America I hope you don't mind, but since we only brought my mother back from Austria yesterday, would you mind saying a few words? No! That's something you should do, surely.
Well, she left when I was two.
She only got back in touch last year.
Someone like you could say so much more.
Thanks.
I knew Irene, of course.
Why wouldn't I? A kind woman.
A good woman.
Churchgoing till the end.
Jewish, of course, which is still a religion.
We were together at the Prague Spring.
Yes, facing down the might of the Soviet Empire.
And then, of course there was Woodstock! Summat smells good! Your favourite.
Shepherd's pie? Your second-favourite.
Curry! Pizza.
Sweet.
I thought we could have a quiet night in, the two of us and a film.
I thought you were being serious for a minute.
I am.
Right.
Yeah, I'd love to.
Can I ask you something? Fire away.
What's your favourite book? Batman.
If there was an election tomorrow, who would you vote for? Nobody.
Politics is boring.
World events, and stuff? Makes me sleepy.
I don't care.
There's a dubstep all-nighter on in town.
I said we might go.
You could go on your own.
We don't have to do everything together.
But you said that's the secret to a happy relationship.
Maybe I was wrong.
Go out, have a great time.
Sorry.
Did I wake you? No.
Couldn't sleep.
Is everything all right? Just me mind working overtime.
Did you get off with anyone? What?! No, course not.
Did you? No! Kiss anyone? Fuck off.
I wouldn't look at anyone! I think it's about time you did.
What?! I'll keep it safe until your dad comes back for it, yeah? No worries.
Forty quid by the end of the week or it'll be on eBay, understand? Sorted.
So this friend Of a friend.
Friend of a friend.
She wants him to shag around, tells him to go for it? Yeah.
It's every man's dream, innit, having a bird pushing him to spread his seed? Fuck, tell him to fill his boots! Of course, it means she's splitting up with him.
No, she wants them to stay together.
She's dumping him.
If your mate can't see that, he's a muppet.
Either that or she's already doing someone herself.
And the woman said, "Shall I get you a priest?" The little lad, wiping away his tears says, "No! Sex is the last thing on my mind!" I hope that's a fucking money tree.
We could do wi' one! It's a cherry.
I thought we could plant it together in memory of We'd have somewhere we could go to think of her.
For fuck's sake.
There's your pal's lad.
Crap.
Hello, ladies, I hope you don't mind.
I tried a few places.
Nice work, Sherlock.
It's just I've so many questions about my mother.
My memory's not what it was.
Any scraps from the table.
From what I can gather, she did do Paul McCartney, but Bobby Charlton is just a rumour.
A bottle of pale ale as well.
That's really good.
And it's good for you, full of iron.
I'm not sure.
I didn't like it at first Fuck's going on?! All right, Billy? Is it him? Are you doing him? Is that what this is about? What are you on about? I'm not fucking having it! Calm yourself, fella.
Fuck, I think I've broke me hand! Are you all right? Stop talking to him! Shut the fuck up, you, you're an embarrassment.
I'm so sorry about this.
I'm only trying to do what's right, you know.
I can't pretend it never happened.
And I won't live every day like it just has.
Where the fuck are you going?! I was saving stuff, putting a little bit aside, ever since the first scan.
Nicked some copper wire from Maine Road for this and the snow suit.
It's beautiful stuff.
Quality gear.
We could sell it? It's got to be a hundred quid's worth.
It's a night out at the very least! Really? I can't tell you what a tonic this is.
Yes.
You see, I always hated her for abandoning us, for what she did to my father but you paint a picture of a woman who was living life to the full.
I really do now have to be going.
Thank you, goodbye.
It makes me feel somehow better about it inheriting money from a woman I barely knew, a houseful of possessions Perhaps I could stay for just one more.
There's so much to tell.
Does that make you feel better? What goes on in your head? Are you having an affair? D'you want shot of me? No.
And no.
What's going on, then? I'm struggling to see the common ground, baby.
It worries me.
Common ground? I mean like I know what it means.
I like Batman, I like all graphic novels.
They're works of art.
And I wouldn't vote in the election cos politics is bollocks.
It's all bought and paid for in advance.
You vote for whatever cunt offends you least.
You think you'd married a gimp or summat? I'm sorry if I offended you.
Doesn't change the problem, though.
I'm going for a drink on my own.
Marty? I don't want another baby wearing this stuff Sorry I just blurted it out.
I thought a night out would do us good.
I'll get a sub off Lillian, that'll see us right.
Compliments on a postcard, please, ladies.
You don't think it's a bit OTT for a job interview, I mean, at your age? Making the most of her assets.
Your dad's not earning, so it's down to your mum to bring in the bacon.
I am stuffed into this.
Too much? Not enough, in my humble.
Designed to hypnotise, cleavage it's what God intended.
Too low? If I was a fella I'd ride you.
Don't know if I'd give you a job, but I would definitely ride you.
What are you so nervous about? I hate job interviews.
I get all sweaty, I crumble.
You're smart.
Not when people are judging me, looking at me.
Hate it, always have done.
Right.
What's the damage? It'll save until you get your first pay packet.
You'll do it just like this tomorrow? I'll have you skipping down the street to that interview, looking a million dollars.
Right! Best get out of this, hang it up.
Get off! Some guys don't like how their missus looks in the morning, but I love it little puffy eyes, adjusting, like a little chipmunk.
I can suck a banana right out of its skin, no hands.
Hello, Daddy.
She was dry-humping him like a horny schoolie! She is a horny schoolie! Is there any other kind? I don't see what's so funny here.
Your brand-new out-of-the-box husband was firing into another woman.
I told him to.
I was gonna take a fucking drill to his head, but I thought, "No, you know what? "You might want" What did you just say? I told him to.
It was my idea.
It's true, I don't understand either, so don't ask.
I don't want it.
I want us to see other people.
I want an open relationship.
It's not right.
It's disgusting.
I think it's a great idea.
Excellent, enter the Daily fucking Bugle.
Don't it make you feel guilty about what you're doing? Not a bit.
I've earned it.
You're taking his inheritance off him.
He won't miss something he's never had.
And if he gets some relief from knowing that his mother didn't entirely hate him, may even have had some affection for him, I'd say it's money well spent.
You're meant to be setting an example, we're impressionable.
You are a bollocks.
You haven't been impressionable since you bought your first pack of And her you can act like Lady Muck all you please.
You have pram-face written all over you.
You really are horrible.
My advice to you is watch and learn.
You won't always be jail-bait and then what'll you do? I thought we were going into town.
We are, yeah, just a little livener, a swift voddie to line us guts.
Just you and me? Cross me heart.
Cheer up.
We'll have a great night.
It's been ages since we've all been out together.
Sure you're all right with this, mate? Yeah.
Course.
Got to admire the girl, she's doing great.
Yeah.
Manchester! Is wonderful! Manchester is wonderful! I'm forward planning.
I'm being proactive to nip future problems in the bud.
What future problems? There's a quarter of a century between us.
I don't want to be looking over my shoulder all the time, waiting for that to bite me on the arse.
And the solution is for him to shag other women? Amongst other things.
I can't be "all women" to Billy, and it'd be humiliating to try.
There's stuff in his life where I don't fit in, and vice versa.
Now that is a very healthy attitude.
I mean, people just They get hung up about sex.
It gets in the way of everything.
What the fuck's that for? Cos I can't fucking slap her.
And that's where you come in, son.
He's reluctant, and you're my son and I trust you.
And that's why I want you to take your stepfather out and get him laid.
And there is a sentence I never thought I'd hear when I woke up this morning.
Sorry I'll slow up.
You do realise, don't you? There's not a court in this land that'd convict, if I chopped the fucking lot of you up right now.
Please, son.
I'll do it.
I'll do it on one condition.
You do it too.
Here you are what about her? Too obvious.
All right her? She's taller than I am.
Her? She's got an Adam's Apple! I don't care if it's a one-legged, Geordie, fucking dwarf with a glass eye and a ginger beard.
I don't care if it's a bloke.
You're shagging someone tonight.
Who do you wanna ride? I wanna ride your mum.
I cannot get used to a world where that is not an insult.
Excuse me? Bum boys! It's not really what I had in mind, this.
Stop planning and start living.
Come on! Kelly, please.
Fucking don't! What's got into you? Just fuck off! Don't start all that! I can't help it.
Feeling all sorry for yourself.
Making it about you.
I'm dealing with it.
It's time you did.
- I hate these places.
- Always feel like I stand out.
Why blend in? Where's the fun in that? It's all right for you you always manage to pull off the kind of casual-trampy look.
I'm a bit more reserved.
That's the word that springs to mind reserved Oi! You're not a Catholic schoolgirl nowadays.
You need to flaunt the goodies.
Well, hello! I haven't done this in fucking years.
Now, listen don't get carried away if you get a lot of attention early on, all right? Course.
Why? To avoid disappointment.
Some of them might be chatting you up strategically.
Are you saying I'm the ugly mate? No! Just be realistic.
I will.
Realistically, a woman your age shouldn't try to get away with wearing a dress like that.
You look like a turkey stuffed in a stocking.
Thank you for a lovely meal.
The pleasure was all mine.
I'll see you tomorrow for the reading of the will? You must think I'm pathetic.
A man my age, all curious about his mother.
We all want to know from whence we came.
Talking to you helps me understand her.
Why she did the things she did.
Could I stay? Sorry? Please? Or you could stay at mine.
I just want to be with you, that's all.
It's like part of her.
No, not tonight.
I never had a mother.
You don't know what that's like to find her, then lose her again.
Yes, I'm sure Walt Disney will be making a film about it very soon, but I have heard enough.
Thank you.
I'd like you to leave.
I have them every other weekend.
I'm on really good terms with my ex.
The divorce must have been awful for you.
Yeah, not the best.
You OK there, Mimi? Yeah, great.
There's got to be a dance floor in here somewhere.
Yeah, up the stairs.
I fancy throwing some shapes.
I'm sure there'll be a line-up of guys can't wait to get on the floor with you.
I'll stay here with Mimi.
.
.
If that's OK with you? Sound.
Right, I'll get some more drinks in.
Off you trot to the dance floor, Turkey.
Choosing you over me qualifies as a fetish.
You know that, don't you? Gobble, gobble, gobble.
I might just do that.
I know what you're going through.
Before Letitia finally came along, we It wasn't easy.
Avril didn't leave the house for weeks.
Kelly seems to be coping OK, though.
Well, she's not OK! She's fucking not! Didn't mean anything.
Get the fuck off her! Was that so bad? No.
Do you need me to accompany you to the bedroom? No.
You can if you want.
I don't think I could afford the therapy, love.
Just make sure you ride him good, will you? God almighty! What's going on? Nothing.
What are you doing here?! I wanted to see you sleeping.
Why? I've done all right.
I'm leading a decent life good job, no wife yet, but there's time.
I'm proud of where I've got to.
As you should be.
I should be fucked up with everything that was done to me.
I need to know why she left.
I need you to leave this house.
I won't hurt you.
I know that but you have to go.
Yeah.
Cheers.
Fuck me, you're a smooth one.
Not really.
Listen, I'm no expert.
You only have to ask my ex-wives, but something's not right here.
What's going on? I'm married.
Happily.
You can't be that happy.
We're trying an open relationship.
So, this Is the only thing I can think of to keep me and my fella together in the long term.
There's an age issue.
I don't want it looming over us in years to come.
And you really don't want to sleep with other men? We've both got to do it or it won't work, you see? Bizarrely, I think I do.
Pity I can peel a satsuma with this tongue.
Where is he? Where the fuck is he?! (Come on!) (Fuck!) Avril Powell? What a night.
I don't even remember getting home, though.
You woke the whole house, needing money for the taxi! You owe me ten £20! Jesus, what happened to you?! Yeah, I remember now.
Where are you going? What do you care? I don't, really.
I used to think you were a victim of circumstance and now I can see you're just stupid.
Stupid? Like the bloke whose grief you're ripping off? Got your mitts in the will yet? Doesn't look that bad.
I'm a fucking peanut smuggler! You could hang your trilby off these.
Behave! I have breasts and an arse and a muff.
This shouldn't be news to you.
In my first job, it was considered a privilege to be bent over the boss's desk for a spanking.
The things that feminism's robbed us of? Though, if it had been a bloke doing the interview, you'd be on Easy Street by now.
Maybe you blew her away in the chat.
Let me see once we established I had no relevant qualifications or experience to speak of a subject we kept returning to Why'd they have you in, if you had nothing to offer? That's exactly what she said "Precisely, what do you have to offer?" Well the thing is, I What would you say is your breast quality? Pardon? Your breast quality.
My best quality? Just nipple.
Dear! How embarrassing.
You think? Look, I'm good and I'm fucking clever! But if paper-smart's what counts, there's a bucketful out in the corridor fit the bill better.
Look, there's plenty more jobs in the sea.
I look forward to the ritual humiliation.
Hello? Mum.
Jesus! Me knickers have hardly hit the floor! It's the hospital on the phone, they're offering you the job.
Fuck off, that's not funny! It's true.
Hello? She said she admired my honesty plain speaking.
You are looking at a trainee pharmacist assistant.
Cheers, Avril.
Cheers, Avril.
Well done, hon.
You have got a job! Morning.
Don't, mate, honestly, don't fucking talk to me.
Me head is full up, there's no more room.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
You shag her? Yeah, all night.
Inside out, and upside down.
Come on! This is just getting tasteless now.
You really did it? I did it for us.
You're a very lucky man.
Fuck off! You? I shagged her.
I haven't washed, to prove it.
Don't! I am fucking serious, right?! I can't take this any more.
Not another fucking word! Did he try and pork you? You read about such things folk have a fetish for the horrific.
There was no porking attempted or otherwise.
Blackmail him or call the cops.
He's a paedophile.
No the opposite of a paedophile.
I can be unkind to you sometimes.
But you are conclusive proof that modern culture is rotting the brains of our youth.
We could ask Jamie to sort him out.
No! He's got something coming, love.
You can't stroke a lady's hairnet and get away with it.
May I? Please.
I'm sorry.
No need.
You have to understand that I do.
A mother's love is important.
All those gobshites there think I'm about to rip money out of your pocket but I'm not.
I couldn't give a monkey's fart about the money.
I'll tell you the truth about your mother, if you promise to leave here afterwards and never contact me again.
OK.
I have one further condition.
You said your mammy had a house full of possessions.
There is one item of sentimental value I would very much like to have.
It's an album of photographs.
Anything, I I just need to know.
Her name was Irene Felice O'Donnell.
She was born on the 22nd August 1939, not '42, as her birth certificate would attest.
She never loved your father.
Whatever you may think of him, he wasn't a nice man a bully, aggressive.
She married him on the rebound from the love of her life.
That would be me.
I consider my time with your mummy the best days I ever had.
Rule one never stay the night.
Quick shag, then home.
Two always, always wear a johnny.
Nobody calls them johnnies any more.
Three no shitting on your own doorstep.
I've suffered enough local humiliation.
No guys back to our marital bed don't need those pictures in my head.
Fair enough.
No-one over the age of 25 I'm your personal MILF.
Noone under the age of 35 I'm your spunky, young lad.
This might actually work, you know.
To be honest I enjoyed it.
We've got a live one.
(Come on, then.
) So, how was he, you old slapper?! What the fuck have I done, G? But I thought it was your idea.
And it's the right idea.
Doesn't make it any easier, though.
I've not slept for 48 hours.
It's all right, I've got it.
This isn't what anyone would have wanted least of all me and Kelly.
It's easy to look back and think how things could have been different.
But what's harder is to look forward when something like this happens cos it's hard to imagine a future.
But we were blessed me and Kelly were blessed.
Our baby's name was Cherry Belle.
She'll always be with us.
Thank you.
That's it now.
It's time to stop grieving and start living.
Where are you going? It's time I got back on the horse, so to speak.
I'm taking a shift at work.
You can't.
I mean ain't it disrespectful to the baby? I'm shot to bits.
So am I don't know if I'll last.
Come on, babe.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
It's your chapter.
Where did we stop? Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban, and Ron and Hermione think he's coming after Harry.
'They say that you get your reward in heaven.
'But they also say that time waits for no man 'or woman.
' 'If you don't want to wait until you get to heaven, 'then you have to grab what you can, when you can.
' 'We can't wait for others to fail 'or for them to succeed and give us what we need, 'because our time here can be so short 'and we can't wait for the rest of the world to catch up.
'So if you're lucky and if you work at it 'and throw yourself into it 'then you might, just might 'get your reward, right here on Earth.
' I think I'm in love.
Not the spaz?! Fuck off! Say you did shag a bird in a wheeler, wouldn't it hurt? Maybe, if you let the brakes off! Don't want to be another lad.
I want to be your lad.
Got anywhere to go? Want a Viagra? I never go anywhere without my little bits.
Outside.
Can't we just do it in the Oof! I'm your Auntie Angel.
Say hello to your auntie! I want to strap you onto me and fuck you till your eyes water.
And that is how one peels a satsuma, using only the tongue.
We have got to go upstairs right now.
The night's young, Gloria.
I'm so wet, I might slip off me chair.
Now!