SpongeBob SquarePants s09e03 Episode Script

1 - Are you ready, kids? All: Aye, aye, captain! - I can't hear you.
All: Aye, aye, captain! - ohh who lives in a pineapple under the sea? All: Spongebob squarepants! - absorbent and yellow and porous is he All: Spongebob squarepants! - if nautical nonsense be something you wish All: Spongebob squarepants! - then drop on the deck and flop like a fish All: Spongebob squarepants! - Ready? All: Spongebob squarepants! Spongebob squarepants! Spongebob squarepants! - Spongebob squarepants! [laughing.]
[waves crashing.]
[lilting ukulele music.]
[water bubbling.]
- [chewing loudly.]
- [humming.]
- [whimpering.]
[sobbing.]
- What's the matter, buddy? You seem so sad.
- Oh, yeah? Well, you know what's sad? This! - My hat is sad? - No! You have a special hat, Which means you get to go to your special happy worky place, While I just stay bored all day.
I want a special happy worky place, too! [crying.]
- first things first, patrick.
What do you like to do? - Uh [wind blowing.]
Sand.
- Oh! Ooh, I got to run.
I have patties to flip! But I sure hope you figure your problem out.
Think about it.
- Think about it.
Think, patrick, think.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Mmm! [pop, squeak.]
Thinking is painful.
Break time.
- Are you irritable, listless, jobless? Do you ever ask yourself, "I'm a loser.
What am I doing with my life?" Then look no further.
I have the answer that's helped millions-- - Be all you can possibly be.
Join the marine dolphins.
- [chirps.]
- [laughs maniacally.]
Huh? The inescapable display case! No! - All in a day's work, eh, mermaid man? - Remember, it's up to you to reveal the true face of crime.
Sign up to be part of the mermaid man And barnacle boy junior crime fighters.
- I got to figure out what to do with my life.
- Fight evil! [squeak.]
- Oh, I wish I was a superhero.
That's it.
I know what I want to do with my life! To the changing room.
[grunts.]
[fabric tearing.]
[snap.]
[grunts.]
[click.]
Ahh.
[grunts.]
[humming.]
At last, I have found my calling.
I am patrick-man, defender of bikini bottom.
Oof! - Mister squidward What's with all the dilly-dallying? We've got customers' money to take.
- Where? [wind whistling.]
- Aah! Where is everybody? [door opens.]
- Fear not.
Patrick-man is here.
- Patrick.
I knew our number-one customer wouldn't let us down.
- Shush, shush-shush-shush-shush.
It's patrick-man, mister krabs.
- "patrick-man"? What kind of ridiculous name is that? - Oh, forget the name.
Look at the ridiculous outfit.
What is that, a pair of briefs? [both laughing.]
- Ooh.
Blaring employee laughter in the common area? [laughter.]
Hey, patrick.
What's with the fancy duds? - Must I explain everything? I found what I want to do with my life.
I am Patrick-man! - [gasps.]
that is so exciting! I can't wait to tell gary, my parents, my grandma-- - Shh, shh, shh.
Spongebob My identity must be kept secret.
My work here is done.
Patrick-man's off.
The city needs my help.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Can I get a krabby patty? [school bell rings.]
- Hey, how'd you do on the final? - I aced it.
- Me too.
[both laughing.]
- Looks like all that studying paid off.
Both: High five.
- [gasps.]
- Whoa.
Are you okay, man? - Just remember this.
Violence solves nothing.
- "violence"? We were just giving high fives-- - No time for silly talk, citizen.
Patrick-man is needed elsewhere.
- Please, ma'am, allow me.
- Huh? Why, thank you, young man.
[bell dings.]
- [chuckles.]
not a problem, ma'am.
It's the least I could do-- Oh! [whistling wind.]
Sorry, lady, you're on your own.
[bell dings.]
- Oh, dear.
[horn honks.]
Oh, dear! [traffic whooshing.]
[wind whistling.]
[skids.]
- Ooh, sweet dollar.
Oh, just look at you-- So clean, so crisp.
Now come to krabsy-- - Halt! Patrick-man is on to you, thief.
Stealing is bad.
Bad! - But I found that dollar.
- No, enough! This dollar shall stay on the sidewalk, Where it belongs.
With neptune's swiftness, away! - Hey, a dollar.
[laughs.]
This must be my luck day.
- [chewing loudly.]
- Help! Help, somebody! - Huh? - Help! - Sounds like another job for patrick-man.
[slurps.]
I'll finish you off later, day-old doughnuts.
Right now I must move rapidly and act heroically.
What's this? Don't move! And freeze! - Huh? - Let's see ya try to bust out of that, boat thief.
- Boat thief? Heavens, no.
My poor student is trapped inside this boat.
The doors are jammed.
- Jammed doors, huh? A likely story.
With neptune's swiftness Away! - Oh, merciful neptune, the authorities are here.
Oh, you'll be out of there in no time.
- Well, what have we here? "cops, this is boat thief.
" Looks like patrick-man caught another one.
What would we do without superheroes? - But I didn't do anything.
- Grand theft vessel is a felony.
You remember what a felony is, don't you, mrs.
Puff? - Felony! [stammers.]
Ugh.
Patrick-man.
[tires squealing.]
- Help.
- Order up.
Another krabby patty for the gentleman.
- Thank you.
Let's hope patrick-man doesn't confiscate this one.
- Yeah.
He drank my shake, too.
Said it was part of an evil plot.
- Sorry, ma'am.
I'll get you another.
Patrick has taken things too far.
- Hey, that's patrick-man to you.
- What are you doing out there? - Something a nonhero civilian could never understand.
Yow-ooh! I'm about to unmask one of bikini bottom's biggest foes, Right here in the krusty krab.
I've intercepted his evil scheme.
- You've intercepted a recipe for toasted coral bits.
Don't you think you're going a little overboard With this patrick-man thing? - "overboard"? Do you call this "overboard"? Away, with neptune's Swiftness.
[grunts.]
Villains and criminals, beware! [grunts.]
Patrick-man is here! Pop! Oh! - Good gracious.
- And he always finds out Who hides under the mask.
- Hey, man, I'd like to hold onto my face, thank you.
- Oh, right.
Now I got ya.
- Ouch! Let's get out of here and never come back.
- What? - Yowza.
- All right, that does it.
- Admit it, masked marauder.
- Enough! We've all had our fill of patrick-man.
- But I was about to unmask a supervillain.
- Sure you were.
[stretching.]
- What the barnacles are you doing? - Protecting bikini bottom from a scoundrel.
- Oh, dear.
- Let her go, patrick.
- No way.
- [laughing evilly.]
- Hey, where'd he come from? - [gasps.]
the dirty bubble! - The dirty bubble? I wanted to unmask man-ray.
- [laughs.]
Fools, you've blown my cover.
Now taste my wrath.
[chuckles.]
- What now, patrick-man? - Spongebob, you're looking at a superhero.
So, naturally, I will rely on my superpowers And throw some stuff.
[grunts.]
- [laughs.]
I wouldn't call that a total miss.
- Take this, beast.
[grunts.]
- Patrick--aah! - [gulps.]
Mmm-mmm.
Yummy sponge.
- You've disabled me employees and trashed me restaurant.
Think you might go for the bubble, now? - I have him right where I want him For the pit punch.
[air hissing.]
- [groaning.]
- Ha! Let's try that again.
But this time I attack.
[chuckles.]
[laughing.]
- [whimpering.]
Lunch.
[loud pop.]
[all cheering.]
- Way to go, buddy.
You're a hero.
Uh, may I have your autograph? - Why, of course, young man.
That's "spongebob" with two sevens, right? - What's your next exciting adventure, patrick-man? - Actually It's patrick to you.
I'm retiring.
Having a job is too much work.
- Not so fast.
I think I need you to use your superpowers one last time.
- What's this? [lilting ukulele music.]
[water bubbling.]
[foghorn blows.]
- [coughs, wheezes.]
[foghorn blows.]
[coughs, wheezes.]
[foghorn, coughs.]
[sputtering.]
- Hmm.
Gary, have you been chewing on my alarm clock again? Oh, well.
[tape tearing.]
Ahh.
- [wheezing.]
- Up and at 'em! Hup.
Ew.
Gary, not my slippers too.
Ugh, nasty.
[humming.]
[exhales sharply, sniffs.]
ew.
Oral hygiene to the rescue.
What the hey? - [growling.]
- come on, gary, let go! Coochie coochie coo.
- [laughing.]
- Golly, gary, what's gotten into you? Are you bored? I'll play with you later.
- [chewing loudly.]
- gary.
Gary, you are a nut.
Sheesh.
- [groans, chewing loudly.]
- That snail sure is acting weird.
It's like he's teething again.
Hey, hold on a second.
Gary, have you been chewing on my bowl? - [spits.]
no.
- I'm beginning to sense a pattern here.
- [chewing loudly.]
- Gary, are you trying to tell me something? Could it be that what you need is a new chew toy? - [slurping.]
- I thought so.
Ooh, I'll bet they have lots of toys here.
Hey, look, there's patrick.
Howdy, patrick.
- Hey, spongebob.
Gareth.
- What are you doing here? You don't have a pet.
- Confidentially, I'm just here for the free samples.
Mm, you can really taste the gourmet.
Well, thank you, ma'am.
I may consider purchasing this brand for my worms.
Want some? - No, thanks.
Just had breakfast.
We're here to buy gary a new toy.
- They're on aisle three, Next to the most delicious snail treats.
Follow me.
[chews, gulps.]
Here they are-- "tasty time snail treats.
" - Well, how about this one? [toy squeaks.]
[pops loudly.]
Okay, how about this? Well? Yeah, I don't think so.
- Hey, guys, check this out-- "pet point 3000.
" - A pet toy that plays with your pet.
What do you think, gary? - Meh.
- It's so futuristic.
[click, whirr.]
Look! A red dot! Hey, come back here.
- That's brilliant.
What'll they think of next? - I love this thing.
Let's turn it up.
[humming, sizzling.]
Huh? Where did it go? - Uh, patrick - Huh? Oh, there it is.
[sniffs.]
Eh, do you smell something burning? Duh.
- [snorting.]
Here, you might need this.
You know, I'm not sure that toy is safe for gary.
Where is gary, anyway? Gary! [harp and trumpet fanfare.]
- [slurping.]
[grunts.]
ah.
[toy squeaks.]
- Gary.
Gary! Hey, where'd you come from? Ah, I wonder if gary would like this ball? Gar-- - [panting.]
- I guess you do.
Are you ready to play with your new ball? - [panting.]
- here it is, boy.
- [grunts.]
- you want it, boy? - [grunts.]
- okay, boy, go and get it.
Go and get it.
Go and get it.
- [growling.]
- Fetch! - [grunts.]
- Okay, gary, bring it back.
[toy squeaking.]
Come on, gary.
Bring it back, gary.
You're supposed to bring it Back.
- [growling.]
[toy squeaking.]
[growling.]
[toy squeaking.]
[humming.]
- Oh, well, as long as he's not chewing on my stuff.
- [humming.]
[toy squeaking.]
- I wonder how gary's doing.
I haven't heard a squeak out of him.
Gary? Are-- Hmm.
Where is that snail? Gary, where are you? Gary, I-- Oh, there you are.
Oh, a tea party.
Cute.
Do you mind if I join you? I'd just love a spot of tea.
What kind of tea is it-- Green tea, earl grey, oolong, slippery elm? [wheels squeaking.]
Gee, I think he likes that ball more than me.
[slurps, spits.]
yech.
That is not tea.
I know what will get gary's attention-- Good old slimycan.
[whirring.]
Here ya go, ga-- Darn it, gary.
Gary! Dinnertime! Gary.
Gary? [dramatic music.]
[shouts.]
Okay, that's just creepy.
Gary, I think you need to spend some time away from this ball.
This isn't helping your case.
- [snores, grunts.]
[door opens, closes.]
- Okay, gary, fun is fun.
Now, give me that ball, pronto.
- [grunts.]
- Oh, so you've hidden it.
Oh, no, you don't.
Come here.
I bet I know where it is.
[sighs.]
hairball.
Hairball.
Wallet.
Darn it-- I thought I lost this.
And I just canceled my credit cards.
Hairball, toothbrush Aha! I knew it.
You'll see.
Some time apart will do you good.
There we go.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I know you're upset now, but wait until tomorrow morning.
Why, you probably won't even remember that old ball.
[ominous music.]
[foghorn blows.]
- [wheezing, crash.]
- Good morning, gary.
I hope you're not still mad at me.
Gary? The ball.
[gasps.]
I will not tolerate this disobedience, gary.
Gary, I'm not playing around.
You had better show yourself this instant.
Okay, get down here.
[toy squeaking.]
Hmph.
Gary, give me that ball.
[toy squeaking.]
Come on.
[grunts.]
Get down.
[grunts.]
[toy continues squeaking.]
Whoa! Mother always said, "don't run with the broom.
" [toy squeaking.]
I'll take that.
[chomps.]
[gasps.]
gary, how could you? You are gonna have to make a choice.
It's either me or the [toy squeaking.]
ball.
Fine.
[squeaking continues.]
I hope you two will be very happy together Without me.
Good-bye! [sobbing.]
[toy squeaking.]
[stomach grumbling, lips smacking.]
- [grunts.]
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
[grunts.]
- Blah, blah, bloo, blee, blah, blah, bloo, blah, blah, blee.
Blah blahhh.
[sobbing.]
- [whimpering, crying.]
- [whistling.]
- [grunts.]
- [whistling.]
[train whistle sounds.]
- [growling.]
[growling.]
[toy squeaking.]
[growling.]
[whirring.]
[ricocheting.]
[whoosh.]
[electricity crackling.]
And so it's come to this-- No home, no best friend [sniffles.]
And sleeping under a bus stop.
Hello, little nematode.
Will you be my friend? That a boy.
[giggles.]
that tickles! Hey, my wallet! Good thing I canceled those credit cards.
- [grunts.]
- Gary.
I mean--oh, hey.
What are you doing here-- waiting for a bus? [slurping.]
Oh, gary.
Does this mean you've come to love me more than that chew toy? - [grunts.]
- Yippee! Look, we're closer than ever.
[laughs.]
Come on, gary, let's go home.
[sniffs.]
Do you smell something burning? [explosion, whistling.]
Hey, look, isn't that your ball? - [hissing.]