The Goldbergs s09e03 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Back in the '80s, water parks were the peak of childhood fun.
They were wet, wild, and incredibly dangerous.
Seriously, what were we thinking? [Doorbell rings.]
Adam, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior? Joshin'.
[Chuckles.]
I am here to talk about something way less urgent than your holy salvation our local water park.
Riptide Waters? I'm here gathering signatures to shut the park down.
Would you care to add your Johnny Hancock? BARRY: Hell no.
Riptide Waters is a beloved institution.
I spent many a summer splashing, sunning, and forcing Adam down slides he wasn't legally tall enough to go down.
Can't see tears when you're dripping wet.
Well, your "beloved institution" is the reason I tore my rotator cuff.
How'd you do it? Were you running against the lifeguard's orders? I was merely riding my favorite slide, the Atomic Tsunami.
The Atomic Tsunami rules.
I hit a dry spot in the Funnel Tunnel and found myself stuck backwards in complete darkness.
A mere ribbon of light to let me know that I was still of this earth.
I couldn't figure out the handle on a porta-potty once, so I feel ya.
First person to crash into me was a boy named Oliver.
We had a moment to introduce ourselves.
- Then came the others.
- Dear God.
That's what I said, over and over again, as teen after slippery teen slammed into my contorted body.
So how did you get out and end up here whining about it? Finally, the pressure became too much and we exploded down Wizard's Wash.
Alone and terrified, I also realized that I swallowed a tremendous amount of water and Band-Aids.
Alone? You were there by yourself? Who I was with or not with is not the takeaway here.
It's not not the takeaway.
Don't spin this.
I was the one who was gruesomely injured.
And when I tried to complain to the smug and tan teen manning the slide, he blew his whistle sharply at me.
That's Blake.
He's hilarious.
You are intentionally ignoring the gravity of this situation.
Yeah, we are, 'cause we're going to the water park.
Trumpets of revelation! How could you do that? Your hilarious story has reminded me how awesome Riptide Waters is.
Ad, get your water shoes, your nose plug, and your swim bonnet.
- Chop, chop.
- It's not a swim bonnet.
It just happens to billow in the back and also ties around my neck.
That sure sounds like a bonnet.
And it doesn't matter.
Because I'm not going anywhere near that place.
Then who am I supposed to ride down the slide with, two-man human-canoe style? You mean when you sat on me and used me as a raft to go faster? So many cherished screams.
No thanks.
I need to figure out how to get off the NYU waitlist because my guidance counselor spends all his time alone in his swim trunks.
If I don't have a healthy worklife balance, I am no good to you.
What's the big rush to go to college? - You're 15.
- I'm almost 18! You're my baby brother.
I think I know better than you how old you are.
It is surprising when Adam says his real age.
It's like, "Whaaaa?" - Anyway, someone wanna sign this thing? - Never.
In fact, I'm starting a counter petition to keep the park open.
- That's not how it works.
- Out you go! Ow! That's my good shoulder! Who's gonna do my household chores?! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day It was October 6th, 1980-something, and my mom and sister were excited to plan Erica's wedding.
They just couldn't agree on the specifics.
Or anything, really.
Okay, let's add some beautiful marigolds, or as we, in the floral industry, refer to them as "teardrops from heaven.
" I like those.
What do you think, Mom? I think we, outside the floral industry, refer to those as "crapdrops from Crapville.
" Another, uh, visit to Crapville.
I know what we need.
Opulence, luxury, and all the orchids on the Eastern seaboard.
Orchids are pretty temperamental.
So am I.
Which would you rather deal with? Uh, don't I get a say in this? I'm the bride.
So? I made the bride.
None of this would be possible without my flexible pelvis.
Such powerful imagery.
If only my head was like an Etch A Sketch.
Nope.
Still there.
Control your body, Geoff.
And this is my special day.
You don't get to choose stuff.
I get to choose all the stuff.
Then why don't you get married to Geoff? He should be so lucky.
I'd be an excellent life partner for your young beau.
This won't creep into my anxiety dreams tonight.
See ya there.
Yo.
Erica's special friend.
Move.
- I'm sorry? - You should be.
You're blocking my eye line.
I can't see what "Small Wonder" has to say.
She may be a tiny robot, but she's big on life advice.
Speaking of which, Erica and Mrs.
G are really going at it in there.
Should I intervene? I have a policy about not getting involved in anything in any way, especially when it comes to mothers and daughters.
That's worked for you? I'm silently watching TV with my best friend, aren't I? We haven't uttered a word to each other in five hours.
So I'm supposed to just watch my future bride lose her mind while I shop for cummerbunds? Look who's the small wonder now.
If you're worried about how to support your betrothed, there's one thing you can do marriage class.
You think that could help us? It helped me and Dolores.
Now I'm only slightly terrified when she says we have to talk.
I live my life in constant terror! Then let this be my gift to you.
A five-pack of sessions with esteemed relationship expert, Dr.
Carl.
He sounds very good.
He might be the best.
Or the only person that does this in the area.
The only lesson the boy needs is to buy a chair, sit in it, and shut up.
- Ugh! I can't believe that woman! - Good news.
I know a way to support you and for us to grow even closer as a couple Dr.
Carl's marriage class.
The doctor part might not be official, but he did lock down a multi-use room with a nice selection of teas.
So, do you wanna grow as a couple over some Earl Grey? I have another idea.
You go by yourself, and you learn how to not give me one more thing to do while I'm fighting with my mother and planning a wedding.
I'll go by myself.
- I'm sure it's not weird.
- Oh, it will be.
While Erica had left Geoff high and dry, the fight over Riptide Waters raged on.
Why, hello, young lady.
Is your mother home? Well, aren't you a big ball of charm.
I am playful, but to be clear, I am here with a petition for you to sign.
Stop.
Don't sign that man's dumb thing.
- Sign my dumb thing.
- [Sighs.]
Barry Troublemaking Goldberg, what are you doing? Just keeping Riptide Waters open for future generations to enjoy.
Every child deserves water fun in a barely supervised atmosphere.
Incorrect.
All 50 acres are an aquatic torture chamber.
Ooh! You know how Gravity Falls dumps out - into an actual river? - Mm-hmm.
I once hit a trout who swallowed my wedding ring.
Exactly.
It's a hazard for child and odd lady alike.
Yeah, I'm gonna sign neither and shut the door.
Yes! Your loss is my win.
Plus, I've already gotten like 700 signatures.
These aren't real signatures.
"Pete Zapaya"? He's a romantic Italian gentleman.
"John A.
Signature"? The entire Signature family is behind me.
"The Real Charles Barkley"? He wouldn't sign his name like that.
I was surprised, too, but here it is in ink.
I'm not giving up.
I'm gonna knock on every door in town until that park is closed.
Not if I knock on them first.
- Youthful run! - Dang it! As Barry and Mr.
Glascott were hitting the streets, - Geoff was returning home with good news.
- I did it.
I went to Dr.
Carl's marriage class all by myself.
You're coming in with a lot of energy I can't match, so get it all out now.
After the super awkward first 10 minutes convincing them you were real, I gained a greater understanding of how to be a supportive partner to you.
And I'm all for whatever you just said, but [sighs.]
sorry, my mom's trying on her dress for the wedding, - and I'm worried.
- Don't.
All eyes will be on you.
BEVERLY: Here comes the mom Here comes the mom [Chuckles.]
What do you think? Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Don't worry.
I know it seems tight in through here, but it's still roomy enough at the bottom for me to do my dance solo.
- [Snaps fingers.]
- It's white.
It is egg cream.
It's clearly a bridal gown.
Do you want me to coordinate with you or not? We're practically twin sisters, or so I expect to hear.
It's supposed to be my day.
And it will be.
Mostly.
You are unbelievable.
In that moment, Geoff had a choice do nothing like my dad suggested, or stand up and support his wife like he learned from Dr.
Carl.
Mrs.
Goldberg, I have to say something you need to hear.
Oh, my.
Are you gathering yourself right now, Geoffrey? [Chuckles.]
Your spine doesn't have that usual candy cane shape.
I love your daughter, and I want this wedding to be a positive experience for her, so I am respectfully asking you to take a step back.
[Dramatic music plays.]
I see.
Message received.
Uh okay.
Great.
[Chuckles.]
That went well.
- What went well? - Your loving and supportive fiancé just asked your mother to take a step back.
A step back? As in backwards? As in away from the wedding? Why is your tone so haunting and ominous? It went well.
She even said, "I see.
" This is bad.
This is really bad.
"I see.
" She saw.
Even if she says she saw, she never sees.
- I see.
- Do you? I see that I saw differently that she said she saw.
- What? - I don't know! Erica, it has come to my attention that your fiancé hates me and wants nothing more to do with me.
That's not what I said.
I've been kicked out of your lives forever.
An old bottle of Mountain Dew hucked out the window and left to yellow and fade on the highway of life.
I love Mountain Dew.
It's not just a beverage, it's a lifestyle.
Here are holiday, birthday, and get-well cards for my yet-to-be-conceived grandchildren.
Make sure they know my name, my face, and my story of loss.
If you need me, I will be crying in my room for eternity.
The hell, dude? Dr.
Carl would say find the positive here.
With your mother less involved, now we can plan the wedding that you want.
I guess that would be nice.
There we go.
"Nice.
" "Awesome's" slightly less exciting cousin.
Okay, let's do it.
Wedding stuff.
I can't believe I was worried just 'cause Dr.
Carl wears a leather sun hat.
As Geoff was heeding the lessons of his new therapist, I was seeking the guidance of my favorite counselor.
Mr.
Glascott, you have a minute? Uh, sure.
Let me just put these away.
[Grunting.]
Ow! King of kings! My buttocks.
I know about your shoulder, but what happened to your Delicate rump? It's a delayed injury from the water slide.
I woke up this a.
m.
with a purpled haunch.
I'm just gonna start.
I need to juice up my high school résumé if I'm gonna get into NYU.
Getting involved in a cause or a charity always looks good.
And right now, there's a lone, broken man fighting the good fight, and he sure could use some help collecting signatures.
That's a great idea.
I'll help Barry save the water park.
I'm talking about me.
But Barry's on the side of an adored local business.
You're like the mean, old developer trying to close down the community center.
Developer? I can't even afford two pieces of bread.
Every sandwich I make is open-faced.
I say it's bruschetta, but it is not.
Have you considered folding the bread? Just go do your thing! Aw, my fundament.
Barry! I'm helping you save Riptide Waters! Oh, finally! My hand's cramping up from copying all these names out of the phone book.
But we won't need fake signatures.
We need to paint a picture of what this park really means to people.
Like a mural of different faces on a downtown wall? - No, Barry.
We're making a movie.
- Better.
And I only wasted three days of college on this.
Geoff and Erica had cut my mom out of the wedding planning and were hoping the rest would be a piece of cake.
Mmm.
What do you think? - I don't know.
- It's rich.
Moist.
Chocolatey.
But is it chocolatey enough? It's called "Death By Chocolate," so So, it's too chocolatey? What if a dog gets ahold of it? How many dogs are gonna be at our wedding? What if the caterers are blind? - All of them? - It could happen.
How many seeing eye dogs have to die for our one day of happiness, Geoff? Mine's spongy.
Why are you here again? It's a cake tasting.
Need I explain? - I can't do this.
- Babe, it shouldn't be this hard.
It wouldn't be if you hadn't fired my mom.
She was making you miserable.
Not as miserable as I am right now.
Tied in knots about cakes and your total indifference about dogs.
I-I can't do this.
I told you so.
I was gonna say, "I'm not gonna say I told you so," but this buttercream is making me a lot less sassy.
- You're a wonderful resource.
- It's mothers and daughters.
You're not gonna understand, and you never will.
But Dr.
Carl said Dr.
Carl doesn't sound like a real doctor.
He went to the medical school of life.
The road was his teacher, and he says they still keep in touch.
Just stay out of it.
50 years of letting it silently wash over you, then you die.
That's the goal.
As Geoff's wedding plans were falling apart, Barry and I got the JTP together to film a heartfelt testimonial for our favorite water park.
What's your favorite moment at Riptide Waters? I guess when I lost my trunks on the water slide.
When I was made a junior lifeguard at Full Moon Lagoon.
For me, it's the wave pool.
So, I'm just flying down this slide a-and whoop! There goes my shorts.
The girls gave me a lot of attention when I had that whistle.
Especially Stacy Leiberman.
One time, I was under the water for eight whole minutes.
[Chuckles.]
At least At least I think it was eight.
I-I've forgotten a lot about that day.
The trunks are the only thing really slowing you down when you're on the slide, so I just kept going faster and faster.
You remember when Stacy "went missing" in the Lagoon and people were going crazy and the park manager was like, "You can swim, right? Get in there.
" I do remember sinking to the bottom and feeling really at peace.
And I just came shooting out of that slide, uh, skipped across the pool like a stone across a lake.
I dove into that lagoon again and again looking for Stacy, but I couldn't I-I-I couldn't find her.
And then I saw my grandma, a-and she had this bright, warm light coming from behind her, but also from within.
I looked around for my suit, but it was gone.
It doesn't make any sense, but deep down, I know the park took it.
At the end of the day, the manager said it was all a joke.
That Stacy was never even there, and and I believed him.
I was just a boy.
I could smell my grandma's perfume.
Although, it might have been the aftershave of the lifeguard that was resuscitating me.
Then I noticed everyone looking at me.
So many judging eyes.
I-I lied to myself and embraced it.
I didn't want to, but I had to.
I had to be Naked Rob.
I never saw Stacy again.
Did I die? Aaand cut, I guess? Gentlemen, well done.
Your boring stories are gonna save this place.
Maybe I'm not Naked Rob.
Maybe I'm just a boy who lost his suit.
There's a darkness in the corner of my soul.
Did I bring something back with me? Maybe we shouldn't be trying to keep this place open.
As Barry's dreams of keeping the park open faded, Geoff fought to keep their wedding planning from turning into a total nightmare.
Thank you both for coming.
Uh, if this is your apology bouquet for balling up your hand and punching me in the heart, it is vastly too small.
I can't sit back and watch you two tear each other apart, so I came up with a solution.
From now on, a totally neutral third party will be making all of our decisions, and her name is Penny.
She's gonna decide everything.
A coin flip? What if it flips to the side I don't want? You haven't thought this through, Geoff.
Studies show that people who flip a coin are more likely to follow through with their decisions and report higher overall happiness.
My podiatrist's nephew flipped a penny right down his throat one time.
It lodged in his intestines and gave him copper poisoning.
Doctors had to remove his intestinal tract and hook his stomach directly to his home's sewer pipe.
Now he lives and works in the bathroom as a telemarketer.
His hours are as flexible as his discharge hose.
None of that ever happened to a human person, but she does have a point.
I don't want to leave things up to chance.
This is a simple and elegant solution.
Back me up here, Mrs.
Kremp.
You're a sweet boy, but I-I don't want to weigh in on anything around here.
[Whispers.]
Don't marry in.
Let me demonstrate.
Heads, we go with marigolds.
Tails, we don't.
Oh, jillickers! My cornea! I'm so sorry.
I have a living scriptures performance tonight! Did you happen to see where it landed? The only thing I can see is a blurry doofus who doesn't know how to flip a dern penny.
Now I have to go rinse out my eyeball in the sink.
So it's settled.
Orchids it is.
No.
I want marigolds.
Erica, you are my whole heart and my firstborn, but you have [bleep.]
for brains.
Enough! Maybe the penny was a bad idea, but all you've been doing is making each other miserable.
I'm really excited for our wedding, but if you two can't figure out a way to get along, then maybe we just shouldn't have one.
[Door opens, closes.]
I don't know.
It feels a little puffy.
Can either of you tell? Looks the same way it always does.
As Geoff's attempt at peace blew up in his face, the water park's chances at staying open was fizzling out.
Mr.
Glascott, with your harrowing testimony, and the signatures from the concerned community, you make quite a case.
If I can keep one person from being pummeled by human missiles, it was worth it.
Stop the proceedings! I have something to show the honorable Safety Board monsignors.
Stupid democracy.
The name of Riptide Waters amusement park has been besmirched.
Okay, this young man obviously stumbled into using "besmirched" correctly.
On this video, you will find testimonials un-smirching the heretofore re-smirched virtues of Riptide Waters.
Riptide Waters rules! Rules! Rules! Rules! Memories! Keee-yah! Splashing! Gravity, gravity, gravity.
Chlorine! Shoes not mandatory.
Riptide Waters rules! Water park saved.
It was not.
It is our opinion that Riptide Waters be shut down at close of business tomorrow.
We lost? How? I think Mr.
Glascott made a far more coherent case.
But on the bright side, the NYU admissions department should really appreciate my attempt at activism.
NYU? Is that the only reason you did this? Bar, I'll miss Riptide Waters, too, but sometimes, you have to move on.
Like you going off to college.
What does that have to do with this? Don't you get it? All those special times are behind us.
Not just the water park.
Our whole childhood.
Even worse, I'm the only one who cares.
After losing it on my mom and my sister, Geoff went to see the only person who'd listen - Dr.
Carl.
- Geofferoni! Did you finally bring your mysterious better half? No.
It's just me again.
That's okay, amigo.
Dr.
Carl is happy to work with the clay he has.
Ooh! I hear footsteps.
Hey.
Sorry I'm tardy.
Dolores is in the car applying eyeliner.
She just sent me in to let everyone know that I'm an insensitive man who doesn't understand that "you look tired" is not a helpful comment, so Erica? You're here? And your parents are, too, for some reason? My dad thought it would be a good idea for us to talk it out with a professional.
Or this guy, I guess.
Mr.
G, you actually did something? Maybe I realized that you're right.
You can't always sit on the sidelines.
This is so exciting.
- There are so many things we can - Bup-bup-bup! Not you.
This is about the girl and her mother.
Apparently, I'm a bit of a handful.
We both are.
Geoff, I'm sorry that I didn't make it here until now.
I'm incredibly lucky to have someone who cares so much about my happiness.
- Aww.
- Now beat it.
The couple who really needs counseling is me and this one.
Let's go.
So, Geoff tells me there's been a little conflict lately.
I admit, sometimes, I am very aggressive in my style, taste, and tone, but that's only because I want the perfect wedding for my baby.
The perfect wedding would be if we could plan it together.
I need you, but I also need a voice.
I suppose that makes sense.
And I suppose the road to healing is just around the next bend.
Let's go there together, shall we? I'm in.
Hearing other people's problems reminds me that mine aren't so big.
While my mom and Erica were finally sorting out their issues, Barry was having one last day at Riptide Waters.
Whoa! Why the long line? Apparently, some kid with prescription swim goggles is too afraid to go down.
Adam? Adam! Let me through! I'm his brother, future doctor, and childhood hero! Barry, what are you doing here? I heard you were scared to go down.
Climb in my arms, and I'll carry you past your peers like a wet baby.
It's not fear.
I got up here and started thinking about what you said.
You're right.
Our childhood is slipping away.
It's crazy, but the moment I go down this slide, it's all over.
I've been thinking about it, too, and yeah, we're never getting those times back.
- Now you're giving up, too? - No.
It's just maybe we should stop looking back and start looking forward.
So we should make new memories together? Damn right.
No matter where we are in the world or how old we get, or how erotically demanding my supermodel wife is, I'll always make time for you.
Me, too.
[Chuckles.]
So one last trip down the Atomic Tsunami? Human canoe-style? Is there any other way? I'm asking.
Is there any other way? That's the thing about memories.
Whether cherishing ones from the past or planning new ones for the future, when we share them with the people we love, life gets a little rosier.
Your colorful sweaters have taken a confusing turn.
Oh, thank you.
- I do look amazing.
- I didn't say that.
Great news.
My magic show was perfect! Only two pigeons didn't make it.
Adam, help me to the door.
My heels keep catching on the fabric.
Oh, good.
My mom's going to school as Madonna today.
Pish-posh.
Your mother's wearing a wedding gown to school.
Get over yourself.
BARRY: Ha! You're marrying Mom.
I'm surprised the state's allowing this, but I knew this day would come.
Mazel tov, you two.
Ohhh, no.