Curb Your Enthusiasm s09e04 Episode Script
Running with the Bulls
1 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) LARRY: Salman Rushdie told me to live my life.
And, you know, I'm not thinking about it as much as I used to, and so far, so good.
That's great.
Oh, I know what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm having this dream.
- Right.
- I've had it, like, three times.
I'm in this room and there's all these virgins beautiful virgins, my God - and they all wanna have sex with me.
- Wow.
And I count I keep counting them up, and I can only count 71.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 I'm counting with my head 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 Sometimes I'll start over one, two, three, four Right, the head count.
Are you expecting more or less? I'm expecting 72.
What if you just miscounted? That's a possibility.
So, were you tempted to have sex with them? Well, I wanted to, but I was too concerned with the missing 72nd.
- That was the issue.
- What's interesting to me is that I find you're focused on the number of women who apparently are very interested in you, and yet Larry, you seem preoccupied.
I'm just wondering (SCOFFS) have you ever noticed the disparity in these two chairs? Your chair is so much better than this one.
This is not a comfortable chair at all.
Did did you buy these chairs? Yes, I I bought both of them.
- You picked out both of them? - I picked them out, yeah.
What was going through your head when you picked out this chair? You picked out a great chair for yourself.
That's a gorgeous chair.
I would have that in my house.
But this one, it's not comfortable.
I'm constantly shifting from side to side.
You have the comfortable chair.
You have taken the good chair.
It's interesting you are the first and only patient who has ever said anything negative about that chair.
I don't find that interesting at all.
Well, I do, and that's my job to find things interesting.
- Well (SCOFFS) - Interesting with the chair.
- I don't know what you're writing over there.
- Chair issues.
I think there's something deeper.
I don't think you're writing anything.
- No, I could show you.
- Huh? - I could show you.
- I mean, you're a nice man, but, you know, do you do you do that much? - Between you and me? - Don't you think that I do a significant amount of help to you? - Eh, no.
- Really? May I be honest with you? I hope that you can always be honest with me.
Well, I'm often never honest with you, but here's what I'm proposing.
I think you should go chair shopping.
I think you need another chair.
And you know what else? I'm willing to go chair shopping with you.
- Will you think about it? - I don't know, but I do know that the session is over, and so we'll have to pick this up next time.
It's tough for you to have to look at that watch, isn't it? It must be a little awkward.
You know I see it.
I know you see it.
I'm not trying to sneak it.
You can't you're trying to do a little sneaky watch peek.
I'm not trying to do a sneaky watch peek, I'm trying to be efficient with our time.
Why don't you put a clock behind me so you can have a clock, you know, when the time's up? - But, okay.
- Nevertheless, it is it is over, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again next week.
So, uh, you got big plans for the weekend? This weekend and all through next week my wife and I go out every single night to a different restaurant because it's truffle season.
- It's wonderful.
Do you like truffles? - No, I loathe them.
They're disgusting.
Oh, to each his own.
- To each his own.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you, Larry.
- Okay.
- And, by the way, any time you wanna get rid of me as a patient, just say, "I've had enough.
" It'll be it'll be okay with me.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, dear God.
(CHATTER) Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Hey! How about this? I don't even know how to react.
It's unbelievable.
So, uh, over at the table over there, the young lady in the red dress? Yeah, yeah, I saw her earlier.
She is a big-time real estate agent.
- LARRY: Yeah? - Okay, yes.
LARRY: You looking for a house? Well, I'm gonna go out looking for houses, - but I'm not looking for a house.
- (CHUCKLES) Wow.
What a diabolical plan this is.
It's a date, but they don't know it's a date.
- Yes! - And if I want another date, I just go, "You know what? This house doesn't appeal to me.
Tomorrow, are you good to see another house?" - Doesn't cost you a nickel.
- Nope.
Nope.
She's excited to be with me.
She wants to please me.
- She wants to please you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey.
Look at this.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, ho, ho! They love me! They're loving it! - Ah! - Thank you very much.
- Congratulations.
- You don't have to buy any of them.
- You know - Well, I wasn't gonna buy any, but, still, I can congratulate you.
Are you vying for the title of the most pretentious man in the world? - What, this? - Yes.
I've had this for decades.
It looks like the Little Drummer Boy's funeral.
- This is what he's wearing in the casket.
- Mm-hmm, that's very funny.
I never showed you my paintings at home because I knew you would, you know, just mock me and destroy me, so - a big night for me.
- Anyway, congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- This is quite a display here.
- Do you understand any of it? - No.
No, it's very confusing.
- You don't under - I don't think you do either.
Let me show you one, a painting I just sold.
- I'm very excited.
- Then maybe you could explain the mystery of that one.
RICHARD: I will.
This is one of my favorites.
Yeah, so I sold this to a restaurant, and I'm really proud of it.
- Who is that? - It's a self-portrait.
That's you? What do you think a self-portrait means? Yeah, that's me.
That's like you from 50 years ago! - No, this is me now.
- JEFF: What? You honestly feel you look like that? 100%.
You know what? I think I want a portrait by Richard Lewis.
Yeah, well, look, he's gonna make you look great.
Maybe you could paint me with hair.
(GUFFAWS) (CHATTER) - Hey.
- Hey! Did you hear about Marty Funkhouser's nephew, Kenny? - Yeah.
- He died.
- Unbelievable.
- It's so sad.
- I know.
- He was supposed to be going to Stanford.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- You heard what happened, right? - He got mixed up with a prostitute.
- Prostitute, right.
- JEFF: Mm-hmm.
- TED: Followed her to Europe.
- Yeah.
- Ended up going to Pamplona to run with the bulls.
- And got trampled.
- I know.
How does a young boy get involved with a prostitute? Well, I can only surmise that he was in need of a prostitute for some reason, he met with the prostitute, and he was in love with her and followed her over there.
- How do you know these details? - I'm just putting two and two together.
- Where's the two and two? - Well, two and two you got a high school senior, he has an experience with a prostitute, and then is so enamored, that he he follows her all the way to Spain.
Again, very detailed.
No, I'm just putting two and two together, that's all.
Again, I don't see the two and two.
Oh, there's two and there's another two.
- LARRY: It's one and one together.
- It doesn't really add up.
- Honestly.
It's too much.
- It's shocking.
- It's shocking.
- TED: He got trampled to death.
Well, that's not so shocking.
You're running with the bulls.
It'd be shocking if he didn't die.
- That's that's the shock.
- What? It's what men do.
They want to impress girls, so they do crazy stuff like that.
He wanted to impress the prostitute? Yeah, usually, you don't have to impress a prostitute.
Well, remember remember when we were dating and we went horseback riding, and I galloped and almost fell off? I was just trying to impress you.
JEFF: Yeah, but she's not a prostitute.
- But I was having sex with her.
- But you weren't paying her for it.
- CHERYL: Okay.
- Right, right.
- ALL: Oh.
- Marty, I am so sorry.
- So sorry to hear about Kenny.
- Thank you, thank you.
Really sorry.
It's the worst thing that's happened to me in my life.
- I mean, he's like a son I never had.
- TED: Mm.
Although, my daughter is transitioning.
- Ah.
How's that going? - So far, so good.
You know, I saw her a couple of weeks ago.
She looked pretty good.
- Yeah, well, she's a he now, so.
- Yeah, he.
When when does she get the penis? He's talking about it.
It takes time to decide.
LARRY: Well, if he gets the penis, do they throw in the balls? Marty, I'm so sorry about Kenny.
Is there anything we can do? I'd love you to come to the memorial.
- Oh, we wouldn't miss it.
- I appreciate it.
Sorry, we have an early dinner to go to.
Dinner? It's 3:30.
- Dinner? - Hey, you better be at the memorial.
Oh, one sec.
Hey, Cheryl, um, let me ask you a question.
When you're at Dr.
Templeton's office we share the same therapist you ever notice how his chair is so much better and bigger than that dinky chair that he gives to us? I've never thought about the chair when I was in therapy.
What what do you think about that? I'm just so happy you're seeing somebody, pal, I really do.
I think it's great.
Do you like him? I'm only seeing him because of the whole fatwa business, that's all.
- Believe me.
- Well, don't make me sorry that I recommended him to you.
I'm not talking about you.
- Okay.
- Are you talking about me? - We should go.
Yeah.
- TED: Yeah.
All I'm saying is next time you're there, just be kind of aware of the chairs and the striking difference between the two, and tell me that I'm not crazy.
Uh, we do have reservations at Mélisse.
- Do you know Mélisse? Ah! - Mélisse? Good choice.
It's truffle season.
(CHUCKLES) What? How do you know it's truffle season? Dr.
Templeton told me.
What do you talk about in your sessions? - That's okay.
That's okay.
Okay.
- He loves truffles! (MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING) Ay, dah! LARRY: There's not enough room to get my hand in there to get the penis out.
I've never really come across this problem before.
Can't get my penis out of my pants? Have you ever heard of a short fly? And I'm not gonna unbutton and have them drop on the floor.
Look, here's a solution index finger, you take it, you go down, put it in your zipper, press down on the shaft, allows your head to pop up.
- Pop up by itself.
- Huh.
- Press, pop up.
- Like tiddlywinks.
Yeah, like tiddlywinks.
Those pants might've been manufactured in a country that has small penises.
So these pants fit the penis from whence they came.
You're goddamn right.
Why would they make a little fly in a country with big-ass dicks? See, I'ma tell you, I don't have that problem 'cause I buy my shit from Jamaica.
My pants are slacks.
The manufacturer, he makes jeans for people with big-ass fucking Johnsons, like me.
- Wow.
- When I go to the bathroom and I sit down on the toilet, my Johnson hangs in the water.
(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) That's just such nonsense.
What are you saying that for? I sit on the fucking toilet, my shit goes under the water like like this.
It's almost like it grabs its fucking head and just like and it goes in like this.
- Bullshit.
- All the fucking time.
- Penis touching the hey! - When I sit down Hey.
Front door was unlocked.
- What? - What? You left the door unlocked again? We never had that conversation, ever.
I gotta talk to you quickly.
You're having lunch with Lewis, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, get there early.
Oh, yeah, 'cause he takes the good seat, yeah.
- What's wrong with him? - I've never had lunch with him in 20 years where I haven't been looking at a wall.
I say trick him the next time in terms of what time lunch is.
No, I'm just gonna show up a half hour earlier.
Uh, can we just have a moment alone? Once I start laughing, I'm a part of this shit.
Get the fuck out.
You heard him.
- LEON: It's all good.
- Yeah.
Let you handle your business.
I'm trying to be casual, but it's really difficult.
Remember the realtor from the art gallery? - Yeah.
- Well, she had an open house, and let's just say it stayed open a little longer for me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- You had sex with her in an open house? - In an open house.
- That's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.
And you know they have cookies at the open houses.
- Yeah.
- Brought the cookies up with me, so we had sex - Oh, my God.
- I had some cookies, took a nap.
- On what? - Well, they have the staging furniture.
- Wow.
- Oh, wow, mm.
- Why? What? - What are you doing, listening in to our conversation? Fuck, yeah, I was.
He's listening to the whole thing? Yes! You said leave, you didn't say I couldn't come back.
Now tell me where that fucking house is at.
LARRY: So, now I'm having this nightmare.
I'm in this room, maybe it's a hall of some kind, I can't really tell, and there's a lot of people, it's very crowded, and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety.
And then all of a sudden, I look up at this balcony and and I see this guy, and he's wearing a big coat, and I know this is it, this is the fatwa! This is it and I can't get out, I'm trapped! Can I stop you right there for a second? Can I tell you what is really on my mind? I have a little bit of an issue.
- Please.
- Cheryl was in just the other day Mm-hmm.
and she brought me a gift.
You see this lovely assortment of truffle oils? Huh, what do you know about that? How did Cheryl know that my wife and I love truffles? - You told Cheryl.
- Yeah, I told her you you love truffles, yeah.
There's been a breach of the patient-doctor confidentiality.
There's no such thing as patient-doctor confidentiality.
I think what you're referring to is doctor-patient confidentiality, and that's a whole different ball game.
Larry, what I try to create here is a circle of trust.
And can I have your arms for a second? - I'd rather not.
- All right.
Well, then I'll do it with my own arms.
- Yeah, use your own arms.
- Here it is like this - Yeah.
- and it creates a circle.
- Mm-hmm.
- And quite frankly, nothing should leave this circle.
It should be ironclad.
All right, I I apologize if I betrayed your confidence in any way, and you have my word that it will never, ever happen again.
Larry, I think this is a breakthrough.
No, it's not a breakthrough.
I think it's a breakthrough.
It's not a breakthrough.
I'm pretty sure it's a breakthrough.
I'm gonna write down "breakthrough.
" You writing down "breakthrough" is just a waste of everybody's time.
That whole pad, you might as well throw it - there's nothing in that pad.
- "Breakthrough.
" Anything else on your mind? You know, I've got these pants, okay, and they have a short fly.
Very hard to, uh, extricate the penis.
You ever had a pair of pants like that where you can't get your penis out? Once, I think, a while ago, and someone told me of a method I think you unzip, you dive down with your index finger, - and pop up.
- Pops up.
- The tiddlywink - Tiddlywink! - Yeah! - Yeah.
That might work.
My friend told me the same thing.
Listen, Barneys Warehouse is having a sale - Mm-hmm.
- and I'm sure they have a variety of long-fly slacks.
All right, maybe I'll check it out.
Well, I see that it is time to go.
Do you know how I know that? - Wait a second! - (CHUCKLES) Ho, ho! Look at that! Ah! I cannot tell you how happy I am about that.
It has made my life easier.
You see? Everything's working.
All we gotta do is fix these chairs.
I will call you first if I ever decide to go chair shopping.
- Excellent.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- All right, Larry.
(MUSIC PLAYING) - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Welcome to Rustic Canyon.
I have a reservation for David.
I'm about, uh, 20 minutes early.
Fantastic.
Ah, the rest of your party has already arrived.
(SCOFFS) It's unbelievable.
- How long's he been here? - About 10 minutes.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Did you get here early enough? - I got here when I got here.
I'm here 20 minutes early, and he said you were here 10 minutes before me.
That puts you here a half hour before the reservation.
Well, you got here early, too.
Yeah, because I wanted to beat you to the good seat, 'cause you always have to get the good seat.
- That's not true.
- It is true.
Come on, I got this fatwa.
I can't sit here with my back to the door.
I already ordered something and I've touched all the all the That doesn't mean anything.
We'll get new silverware.
You'll get a disease or something.
So, you're not gonna let me sit there? No fucking way.
You know what? The next time we have lunch, you better set your alarm for 7:00 in the morning.
I'm setting my alarm for 6:30, you prick.
Is that so? I'll be staying up all night waiting outside that door for them to open it.
I'll be here before the owner.
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
I got perks.
They bought my picture, so I'm gonna sleep in the kitchen.
You lost, pal.
(SCOFFS) WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh! Close that deal! - JEFF: You close the deal! - You close the deal! - JEFF: You close the deal! - Make me an offer! (JEFF MOANING) Ooh! (BOTH SCREAMING) I've seen every house that's for sale in Brentwood, and I've had sex in every house that's for sale in Brentwood.
We even had sex in a house that was in escrow.
- Yes.
- You don't have to worry about hotels, - anything like that.
- Nothing.
You go to these houses.
And let's say I'm driving around a different neighborhood and I see a house that's for sale, gets me kind of horny.
She is not only a good-looking woman, - but she's so stylish.
- Very sharp.
- BOTH: She's very sharp.
- I need to up my game.
It's now, don't get me wrong, it's a nice suit, but it's four years old.
You know what? Barneys is having a warehouse sale.
The fuck do you know from Barneys having a warehouse sale? Never thought I'd hear those words coming out of your mouth.
(EXHALES) I I heard.
What do you mean, you heard? Who would've told you that? (STUTTERS) I don't know.
- I just heard somewhere.
- You heard? You wanna explain yourself? Would you like to tell me what I need to explain? Well, I just got off the phone with Jane Kleinberg and she told me she saw you in a car with another woman.
Well, do you know who that woman is? - No, I do not.
- She is a realtor.
- Yeah.
- And I am looking for houses.
I was surprising you by buying a house.
- Really? - Yeah.
He was just telling me all about it, and now you ruined the surprise.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
It is very sweet of me.
How about this guy, huh? You're a lucky woman.
Thank you for the surprise and I'm sorry to ruin, but you know, I never know with you two.
He's a beautiful man.
A beautiful man.
That's right.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER) - You working here? - Yes.
Hey, could you do me a favor? I want to sit in the last row, in the seat that's closest to the door.
Can you reserve that for me? Could you do that? I'm sorry.
We don't save seats.
You don't save seats? What is that? That's a policy? It's a memorial and that's not part of it.
What about we make a little we make a little deal? You get a little paid for your trouble, huh? It's five bucks.
Okay.
- Is that better? Huh? - Which seat was it again? - It was the last row? - The last row, closest to the door.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
a very troubled family.
Hey.
Hmm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Cheryl.
- Hey.
Hey.
What's Dr.
Templeton doing here? Oh, you know, Marty is having such a hard time - with this whole thing.
- Is he? So I suggested that he talk to Lionel.
- Lionel? - Dr.
Templeton.
You know, this is odd, though, because when he passed me, I gave him a very friendly hello.
I went, "Hey!" And I get back And I couldn't tell if it was a typical funeral nod or if he's angry with me because I want to change the chair in the office.
Well, it seems like it would be odd for him to give you a big hello at a funeral.
- I'm not asking for a big hello, Cheryl.
- A young man died and needs all of his friends and family.
I'm asking for, you know, a friendly hello.
"Ah.
" That's not big.
You know, maybe you should make it less about you.
And by the way, you really got me in a lot of trouble - Why? - with Dr.
Templeton.
Because you told him that I said that he likes truffles.
I got him truffle oil as a gift.
I didn't wasn't even talking about you.
- How ? - Well, he said it was a breach of patient-doctor confidentiality, which there's really no such thing.
Okay, well, then, you know what? We should respect Lionel and his process and You don't have to keep calling him Lionel.
Maybe it's getting too complicated having the same therapist.
Gotta say, you're looking sharp, sweetheart.
I like this three-piece.
I like the whole look.
- Yeah? - This slims you.
It holds you in, it's great.
- I - Where'd you get that? Barneys, you said? - Barneys Warehouse sale.
- Barneys Warehouse sale? How the fuck did you know about Barneys Warehouse sale? Uh, Larry told me.
- Larry told you about Barneys Warehouse sale? - Yeah.
I find that very difficult to believe.
- Why do you even give a shit? - Larry! Lar! Come over here.
There's always something up with you two that I can't trust, you know that? Did you tell Jeff about Barneys Warehouse sale? - Yeah.
- Where'd you hear about that from? That's so not you.
Uh, I can't say.
What do you mean you can't say? (LOUDLY) I can't say who told me about Barneys Warehouse sale.
I'm not at liberty to say.
It's a fucking sale, Larry.
Who gives a shit? Just tell me who told you.
(LOUDLY) No, I will not and cannot tell you who told me about Barneys Warehouse sale.
All right, this is sounding like bullshit now.
This sounds like another one of your mishegoss bullshit thing.
- It's not.
Just tell her.
- That is confidential information, which I will never reveal under any circumstances.
Larry didn't tell you about Barneys Warehouse.
- He told me about Barneys.
- No, he did not.
(ALL SHOUTING) That I cannot say! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! - That's it! - SUSIE: All right, you're a fucking liar, Jeff.
- JEFF: I'm not a liar! - There's something you're not telling me.
LARRY: Dr.
Templeton! - Hey! - Honey, I'll be right in.
Hey.
Listen, I I happened to overhear that conversation, and I'm very appreciative that you respected the patient-doctor confidentiality.
Hey, you're welcome.
You know, when somebody tells me something, I take it to heart.
Glad to hear that.
You know, I noticed when I said hello to you earlier, I gave you a very hearty hello and your response was kind of grim.
- Was that a funeral hello? - Well, very observant.
It was a downward nod indicating a solemn hello as opposed to an upward nod where it would be a more joyous occasion.
Gotcha.
So, you're not mad at me? Oh, no, no, no, I'm not I'm not mad at you at all.
Have you considered my generous offer to go chair shopping with you? I have considered it, yes, and I am declining it.
- Huh.
- I think if I go chair shopping, I'll I'll do it by myself.
- Thank you.
- Well, you'll be making the same mistake all over again.
You'll have a substandard chair and a lot of unhappy clients.
That presumes a mistake was made initially.
- Hmm.
- Now, if you'll excuse me, Mrs.
Templeton is waiting for me.
- How is Mrs.
Templeton? - She's quite well.
I'd like to I'd like to meet her.
I don't think that is necessary, really, Larry.
- Do you? - Cheryl tells me that she met her.
Oh, yes.
Cheryl and Mrs.
Templeton are quite friendly.
So, why can Cheryl meet her and not me? - I don't get that.
- Well, Mrs.
Templeton has already indicated that she would rather not meet you.
Hmm.
Well, in any event, please give my regards to Mrs.
Templeton.
I probably won't.
Well, if you change your mind, Lionel, you'll let me know.
Oh, Larry.
Would it be all right if you continued to refer to me as Dr.
Templeton? (MUSIC PLAYING) Shalom and welcome to the celebration of life of Kenny Funkhouser.
We begin today with the traditional memorial prayer, Kel Maleh Rachamim.
Kel maleh rachamim - Hey, that's my seat.
- What are you talking about? I reserved I reserved that seat.
I gave the guy 20 bucks to reserve look, here's the sign.
- You threw it on the floor? - Fuck the reserved sign.
This is a memorial service, not a Knick game.
- Respect the reserved sign.
- This is the worst seat in the whole house.
- I did it because the bathroom's 10 feet away - Look.
See? It's a reserved sign.
You can't just throw it on the floor.
It should say "asshole," not "reserved.
" Do me a favor and beat it, will ya? - Just get outta here.
- I got a fatwa I gotta deal with, here.
- I need that seat.
- I'm sorry about your fatwa, but I got a problem with my urinary tract.
You always have to have the good seat, don't you? Always.
That was my seat! You took it again! - It wasn't your seat.
- You took it again! You took it again! You took it again! - MAN: Shh! - I didn't.
The Lord is his portion.
LARRY: What happened to the seat? - I gave you $20.
- May he rest in peace.
I know, I reserved it, but he just ignored it.
- RABBI: Amen.
- ALL: Amen.
Get him outta there! - He's a mourner.
- He's not mourning! If he's mourning, it's 'cause he's losing his hair on the top.
- That's what he's mourning.
- I'm an usher, I'm not a bouncer.
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
You're the last usher I ever bribe.
Fear not death.
We are all destined to die.
- We share it with all who ever lived.
- Is this taken? - It's reserved.
- Oh, okay, great.
RABBI: Death is better than a life of pain, - and eternal rest than constant sickness.
- Oh, hello, Mrs.
Templeton.
Larry, do not address Mrs.
Templeton.
I hope you're enjoying truffle season.
- Larry, find a seat.
- Okay.
- RABBI: as a grain of sand - Sorry.
- the good things in life - Who's she? - I'm Kenny's cousin.
- It's none of your business, anyway.
- Go find a seat.
- Why didn't you save me a seat? You didn't ask me to save you a seat.
- MARTY: Hey.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'd like to bring forward Kenny's uncle, Martin Funkhouser, who would like to say a few words.
- Great.
(SCOFFS) - Martin, please? - MARTY: Thank you, Rabbi Dorfman.
- Oh, sorry.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge my former beautiful daughter Jodi, who's now my handsome son Joey.
- I love you, Joey.
- Thank you.
I love you.
- Keep up the good work.
- Thank you.
Kenny Funkhouser was my nephew.
He was a golden child.
- He was a straight-A student.
- (SOBBING) A great athlete who was going to Stanford.
All-American baseball player.
- (SOBBING LOUDLY) - Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.
- That's way too loud.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just whimper.
Can you whimper? This is a day of celebrating Kenny's life.
- (SOBBING CONTINUES) - What are you doing? Go cry outside, for God's sake.
- He's so young.
- Ah, come on, it's enough already.
I can't hear a thing.
- Shut up.
- Okay, okay.
Let me say some things about Kenny Funkhouser.
- Kenny is with us.
- (SNIFFLING) He will always be with us.
And someday, we'll see him again.
Maybe play catch with him, even.
When we leave this service today, let's not feel sad.
Let's be upbeat, because that's what Kenny would've wanted.
He was a very happy young man.
Fatwa! He's got a gun! (ALL SCREAMING) Ah! Oh, oh! - Oh, my God! - (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Go, sweetie, this way.
Go out this way.
(TED SHOUTING) - No! Jesus! - Wait, Ted! Go! Fatwa! - MAN: Come on.
- MAN #2: Hurry up! That's hey! That's my friend, you idiot! Oh.
Sorry.
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS) Sorry.
WOMAN: So, as you can see, great flow.
We're just gonna move through here.
Let me show you why this is your house.
Chef's kitchen, you got silent dishwashers.
It's an entertainer's dream, really.
You could entertain for 100 people here or you could entertain for two.
- Wow.
- Floor-to-ceiling windows.
- Pizza oven.
- Uh-huh.
And where's the master bedroom? - The master bedroom is upstairs.
- Okay.
And we could take the grand staircase or we could take the elevator.
Elevator.
(MUSIC PLAYING) This is your own little sanctuary.
Beautiful, spacious room.
Lots of morning light.
- Beautiful place to wake up.
- Uh-huh.
Just a great energy in here overall.
Mm-hmm.
Furniture come with the house? No, the furniture is staged, but I could talk to the designer about throwing it in.
- You like this bed, Jeff? - (MUTTERS) - Negotiable on the price or what? - They're firm with the price.
It's out of our price range.
- Come on.
- We'll take it.
- Huh? - We'll take it.
Sold.
Congratulations.
(MUSIC PLAYING) I gotta tell you something.
I never thought I was gonna get you down here.
- This is nice.
- Let's see.
- Try that.
- (SIGHS) What do you think? - No, I don't think so.
No.
- I don't think so, either.
- Not this one.
- No.
This isn't bad.
It's got it's a bit of a rocker, here.
Let's move to another chair.
- All right.
- All right, I gotta say, this one, to me, is a perfect chair.
I think my clients would like this.
- Great.
- Why not? Well, let me Ooh, it's kind of pricey.
(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's very generous of you, Larry.
Are you expecting me to pay for this chair? That is all the time we have.
And, well, I'll see you next week.
Okay? Thank you, Larry.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
And, you know, I'm not thinking about it as much as I used to, and so far, so good.
That's great.
Oh, I know what I wanted to talk to you about.
I'm having this dream.
- Right.
- I've had it, like, three times.
I'm in this room and there's all these virgins beautiful virgins, my God - and they all wanna have sex with me.
- Wow.
And I count I keep counting them up, and I can only count 71.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 I'm counting with my head 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 Sometimes I'll start over one, two, three, four Right, the head count.
Are you expecting more or less? I'm expecting 72.
What if you just miscounted? That's a possibility.
So, were you tempted to have sex with them? Well, I wanted to, but I was too concerned with the missing 72nd.
- That was the issue.
- What's interesting to me is that I find you're focused on the number of women who apparently are very interested in you, and yet Larry, you seem preoccupied.
I'm just wondering (SCOFFS) have you ever noticed the disparity in these two chairs? Your chair is so much better than this one.
This is not a comfortable chair at all.
Did did you buy these chairs? Yes, I I bought both of them.
- You picked out both of them? - I picked them out, yeah.
What was going through your head when you picked out this chair? You picked out a great chair for yourself.
That's a gorgeous chair.
I would have that in my house.
But this one, it's not comfortable.
I'm constantly shifting from side to side.
You have the comfortable chair.
You have taken the good chair.
It's interesting you are the first and only patient who has ever said anything negative about that chair.
I don't find that interesting at all.
Well, I do, and that's my job to find things interesting.
- Well (SCOFFS) - Interesting with the chair.
- I don't know what you're writing over there.
- Chair issues.
I think there's something deeper.
I don't think you're writing anything.
- No, I could show you.
- Huh? - I could show you.
- I mean, you're a nice man, but, you know, do you do you do that much? - Between you and me? - Don't you think that I do a significant amount of help to you? - Eh, no.
- Really? May I be honest with you? I hope that you can always be honest with me.
Well, I'm often never honest with you, but here's what I'm proposing.
I think you should go chair shopping.
I think you need another chair.
And you know what else? I'm willing to go chair shopping with you.
- Will you think about it? - I don't know, but I do know that the session is over, and so we'll have to pick this up next time.
It's tough for you to have to look at that watch, isn't it? It must be a little awkward.
You know I see it.
I know you see it.
I'm not trying to sneak it.
You can't you're trying to do a little sneaky watch peek.
I'm not trying to do a sneaky watch peek, I'm trying to be efficient with our time.
Why don't you put a clock behind me so you can have a clock, you know, when the time's up? - But, okay.
- Nevertheless, it is it is over, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again next week.
So, uh, you got big plans for the weekend? This weekend and all through next week my wife and I go out every single night to a different restaurant because it's truffle season.
- It's wonderful.
Do you like truffles? - No, I loathe them.
They're disgusting.
Oh, to each his own.
- To each his own.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Thank you, Larry.
- Okay.
- And, by the way, any time you wanna get rid of me as a patient, just say, "I've had enough.
" It'll be it'll be okay with me.
- (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh, dear God.
(CHATTER) Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
Hey! How about this? I don't even know how to react.
It's unbelievable.
So, uh, over at the table over there, the young lady in the red dress? Yeah, yeah, I saw her earlier.
She is a big-time real estate agent.
- LARRY: Yeah? - Okay, yes.
LARRY: You looking for a house? Well, I'm gonna go out looking for houses, - but I'm not looking for a house.
- (CHUCKLES) Wow.
What a diabolical plan this is.
It's a date, but they don't know it's a date.
- Yes! - And if I want another date, I just go, "You know what? This house doesn't appeal to me.
Tomorrow, are you good to see another house?" - Doesn't cost you a nickel.
- Nope.
Nope.
She's excited to be with me.
She wants to please me.
- She wants to please you.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hey.
Look at this.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Thank you very much.
- Oh, ho, ho! They love me! They're loving it! - Ah! - Thank you very much.
- Congratulations.
- You don't have to buy any of them.
- You know - Well, I wasn't gonna buy any, but, still, I can congratulate you.
Are you vying for the title of the most pretentious man in the world? - What, this? - Yes.
I've had this for decades.
It looks like the Little Drummer Boy's funeral.
- This is what he's wearing in the casket.
- Mm-hmm, that's very funny.
I never showed you my paintings at home because I knew you would, you know, just mock me and destroy me, so - a big night for me.
- Anyway, congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- This is quite a display here.
- Do you understand any of it? - No.
No, it's very confusing.
- You don't under - I don't think you do either.
Let me show you one, a painting I just sold.
- I'm very excited.
- Then maybe you could explain the mystery of that one.
RICHARD: I will.
This is one of my favorites.
Yeah, so I sold this to a restaurant, and I'm really proud of it.
- Who is that? - It's a self-portrait.
That's you? What do you think a self-portrait means? Yeah, that's me.
That's like you from 50 years ago! - No, this is me now.
- JEFF: What? You honestly feel you look like that? 100%.
You know what? I think I want a portrait by Richard Lewis.
Yeah, well, look, he's gonna make you look great.
Maybe you could paint me with hair.
(GUFFAWS) (CHATTER) - Hey.
- Hey! Did you hear about Marty Funkhouser's nephew, Kenny? - Yeah.
- He died.
- Unbelievable.
- It's so sad.
- I know.
- He was supposed to be going to Stanford.
- LARRY: Yeah.
- You heard what happened, right? - He got mixed up with a prostitute.
- Prostitute, right.
- JEFF: Mm-hmm.
- TED: Followed her to Europe.
- Yeah.
- Ended up going to Pamplona to run with the bulls.
- And got trampled.
- I know.
How does a young boy get involved with a prostitute? Well, I can only surmise that he was in need of a prostitute for some reason, he met with the prostitute, and he was in love with her and followed her over there.
- How do you know these details? - I'm just putting two and two together.
- Where's the two and two? - Well, two and two you got a high school senior, he has an experience with a prostitute, and then is so enamored, that he he follows her all the way to Spain.
Again, very detailed.
No, I'm just putting two and two together, that's all.
Again, I don't see the two and two.
Oh, there's two and there's another two.
- LARRY: It's one and one together.
- It doesn't really add up.
- Honestly.
It's too much.
- It's shocking.
- It's shocking.
- TED: He got trampled to death.
Well, that's not so shocking.
You're running with the bulls.
It'd be shocking if he didn't die.
- That's that's the shock.
- What? It's what men do.
They want to impress girls, so they do crazy stuff like that.
He wanted to impress the prostitute? Yeah, usually, you don't have to impress a prostitute.
Well, remember remember when we were dating and we went horseback riding, and I galloped and almost fell off? I was just trying to impress you.
JEFF: Yeah, but she's not a prostitute.
- But I was having sex with her.
- But you weren't paying her for it.
- CHERYL: Okay.
- Right, right.
- ALL: Oh.
- Marty, I am so sorry.
- So sorry to hear about Kenny.
- Thank you, thank you.
Really sorry.
It's the worst thing that's happened to me in my life.
- I mean, he's like a son I never had.
- TED: Mm.
Although, my daughter is transitioning.
- Ah.
How's that going? - So far, so good.
You know, I saw her a couple of weeks ago.
She looked pretty good.
- Yeah, well, she's a he now, so.
- Yeah, he.
When when does she get the penis? He's talking about it.
It takes time to decide.
LARRY: Well, if he gets the penis, do they throw in the balls? Marty, I'm so sorry about Kenny.
Is there anything we can do? I'd love you to come to the memorial.
- Oh, we wouldn't miss it.
- I appreciate it.
Sorry, we have an early dinner to go to.
Dinner? It's 3:30.
- Dinner? - Hey, you better be at the memorial.
Oh, one sec.
Hey, Cheryl, um, let me ask you a question.
When you're at Dr.
Templeton's office we share the same therapist you ever notice how his chair is so much better and bigger than that dinky chair that he gives to us? I've never thought about the chair when I was in therapy.
What what do you think about that? I'm just so happy you're seeing somebody, pal, I really do.
I think it's great.
Do you like him? I'm only seeing him because of the whole fatwa business, that's all.
- Believe me.
- Well, don't make me sorry that I recommended him to you.
I'm not talking about you.
- Okay.
- Are you talking about me? - We should go.
Yeah.
- TED: Yeah.
All I'm saying is next time you're there, just be kind of aware of the chairs and the striking difference between the two, and tell me that I'm not crazy.
Uh, we do have reservations at Mélisse.
- Do you know Mélisse? Ah! - Mélisse? Good choice.
It's truffle season.
(CHUCKLES) What? How do you know it's truffle season? Dr.
Templeton told me.
What do you talk about in your sessions? - That's okay.
That's okay.
Okay.
- He loves truffles! (MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING) Ay, dah! LARRY: There's not enough room to get my hand in there to get the penis out.
I've never really come across this problem before.
Can't get my penis out of my pants? Have you ever heard of a short fly? And I'm not gonna unbutton and have them drop on the floor.
Look, here's a solution index finger, you take it, you go down, put it in your zipper, press down on the shaft, allows your head to pop up.
- Pop up by itself.
- Huh.
- Press, pop up.
- Like tiddlywinks.
Yeah, like tiddlywinks.
Those pants might've been manufactured in a country that has small penises.
So these pants fit the penis from whence they came.
You're goddamn right.
Why would they make a little fly in a country with big-ass dicks? See, I'ma tell you, I don't have that problem 'cause I buy my shit from Jamaica.
My pants are slacks.
The manufacturer, he makes jeans for people with big-ass fucking Johnsons, like me.
- Wow.
- When I go to the bathroom and I sit down on the toilet, my Johnson hangs in the water.
(SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) That's just such nonsense.
What are you saying that for? I sit on the fucking toilet, my shit goes under the water like like this.
It's almost like it grabs its fucking head and just like and it goes in like this.
- Bullshit.
- All the fucking time.
- Penis touching the hey! - When I sit down Hey.
Front door was unlocked.
- What? - What? You left the door unlocked again? We never had that conversation, ever.
I gotta talk to you quickly.
You're having lunch with Lewis, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, get there early.
Oh, yeah, 'cause he takes the good seat, yeah.
- What's wrong with him? - I've never had lunch with him in 20 years where I haven't been looking at a wall.
I say trick him the next time in terms of what time lunch is.
No, I'm just gonna show up a half hour earlier.
Uh, can we just have a moment alone? Once I start laughing, I'm a part of this shit.
Get the fuck out.
You heard him.
- LEON: It's all good.
- Yeah.
Let you handle your business.
I'm trying to be casual, but it's really difficult.
Remember the realtor from the art gallery? - Yeah.
- Well, she had an open house, and let's just say it stayed open a little longer for me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- You had sex with her in an open house? - In an open house.
- That's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.
And you know they have cookies at the open houses.
- Yeah.
- Brought the cookies up with me, so we had sex - Oh, my God.
- I had some cookies, took a nap.
- On what? - Well, they have the staging furniture.
- Wow.
- Oh, wow, mm.
- Why? What? - What are you doing, listening in to our conversation? Fuck, yeah, I was.
He's listening to the whole thing? Yes! You said leave, you didn't say I couldn't come back.
Now tell me where that fucking house is at.
LARRY: So, now I'm having this nightmare.
I'm in this room, maybe it's a hall of some kind, I can't really tell, and there's a lot of people, it's very crowded, and I'm feeling a lot of anxiety.
And then all of a sudden, I look up at this balcony and and I see this guy, and he's wearing a big coat, and I know this is it, this is the fatwa! This is it and I can't get out, I'm trapped! Can I stop you right there for a second? Can I tell you what is really on my mind? I have a little bit of an issue.
- Please.
- Cheryl was in just the other day Mm-hmm.
and she brought me a gift.
You see this lovely assortment of truffle oils? Huh, what do you know about that? How did Cheryl know that my wife and I love truffles? - You told Cheryl.
- Yeah, I told her you you love truffles, yeah.
There's been a breach of the patient-doctor confidentiality.
There's no such thing as patient-doctor confidentiality.
I think what you're referring to is doctor-patient confidentiality, and that's a whole different ball game.
Larry, what I try to create here is a circle of trust.
And can I have your arms for a second? - I'd rather not.
- All right.
Well, then I'll do it with my own arms.
- Yeah, use your own arms.
- Here it is like this - Yeah.
- and it creates a circle.
- Mm-hmm.
- And quite frankly, nothing should leave this circle.
It should be ironclad.
All right, I I apologize if I betrayed your confidence in any way, and you have my word that it will never, ever happen again.
Larry, I think this is a breakthrough.
No, it's not a breakthrough.
I think it's a breakthrough.
It's not a breakthrough.
I'm pretty sure it's a breakthrough.
I'm gonna write down "breakthrough.
" You writing down "breakthrough" is just a waste of everybody's time.
That whole pad, you might as well throw it - there's nothing in that pad.
- "Breakthrough.
" Anything else on your mind? You know, I've got these pants, okay, and they have a short fly.
Very hard to, uh, extricate the penis.
You ever had a pair of pants like that where you can't get your penis out? Once, I think, a while ago, and someone told me of a method I think you unzip, you dive down with your index finger, - and pop up.
- Pops up.
- The tiddlywink - Tiddlywink! - Yeah! - Yeah.
That might work.
My friend told me the same thing.
Listen, Barneys Warehouse is having a sale - Mm-hmm.
- and I'm sure they have a variety of long-fly slacks.
All right, maybe I'll check it out.
Well, I see that it is time to go.
Do you know how I know that? - Wait a second! - (CHUCKLES) Ho, ho! Look at that! Ah! I cannot tell you how happy I am about that.
It has made my life easier.
You see? Everything's working.
All we gotta do is fix these chairs.
I will call you first if I ever decide to go chair shopping.
- Excellent.
- Thank you.
- All right.
- All right, Larry.
(MUSIC PLAYING) - Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
Welcome to Rustic Canyon.
I have a reservation for David.
I'm about, uh, 20 minutes early.
Fantastic.
Ah, the rest of your party has already arrived.
(SCOFFS) It's unbelievable.
- How long's he been here? - About 10 minutes.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
- Okay, thank you.
- Enjoy.
- Did you get here early enough? - I got here when I got here.
I'm here 20 minutes early, and he said you were here 10 minutes before me.
That puts you here a half hour before the reservation.
Well, you got here early, too.
Yeah, because I wanted to beat you to the good seat, 'cause you always have to get the good seat.
- That's not true.
- It is true.
Come on, I got this fatwa.
I can't sit here with my back to the door.
I already ordered something and I've touched all the all the That doesn't mean anything.
We'll get new silverware.
You'll get a disease or something.
So, you're not gonna let me sit there? No fucking way.
You know what? The next time we have lunch, you better set your alarm for 7:00 in the morning.
I'm setting my alarm for 6:30, you prick.
Is that so? I'll be staying up all night waiting outside that door for them to open it.
I'll be here before the owner.
Yeah? Well, I got news for you.
I got perks.
They bought my picture, so I'm gonna sleep in the kitchen.
You lost, pal.
(SCOFFS) WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh! Close that deal! - JEFF: You close the deal! - You close the deal! - JEFF: You close the deal! - Make me an offer! (JEFF MOANING) Ooh! (BOTH SCREAMING) I've seen every house that's for sale in Brentwood, and I've had sex in every house that's for sale in Brentwood.
We even had sex in a house that was in escrow.
- Yes.
- You don't have to worry about hotels, - anything like that.
- Nothing.
You go to these houses.
And let's say I'm driving around a different neighborhood and I see a house that's for sale, gets me kind of horny.
She is not only a good-looking woman, - but she's so stylish.
- Very sharp.
- BOTH: She's very sharp.
- I need to up my game.
It's now, don't get me wrong, it's a nice suit, but it's four years old.
You know what? Barneys is having a warehouse sale.
The fuck do you know from Barneys having a warehouse sale? Never thought I'd hear those words coming out of your mouth.
(EXHALES) I I heard.
What do you mean, you heard? Who would've told you that? (STUTTERS) I don't know.
- I just heard somewhere.
- You heard? You wanna explain yourself? Would you like to tell me what I need to explain? Well, I just got off the phone with Jane Kleinberg and she told me she saw you in a car with another woman.
Well, do you know who that woman is? - No, I do not.
- She is a realtor.
- Yeah.
- And I am looking for houses.
I was surprising you by buying a house.
- Really? - Yeah.
He was just telling me all about it, and now you ruined the surprise.
Well, that's very sweet of you.
It is very sweet of me.
How about this guy, huh? You're a lucky woman.
Thank you for the surprise and I'm sorry to ruin, but you know, I never know with you two.
He's a beautiful man.
A beautiful man.
That's right.
- (MUSIC PLAYING) - (CHATTER) - You working here? - Yes.
Hey, could you do me a favor? I want to sit in the last row, in the seat that's closest to the door.
Can you reserve that for me? Could you do that? I'm sorry.
We don't save seats.
You don't save seats? What is that? That's a policy? It's a memorial and that's not part of it.
What about we make a little we make a little deal? You get a little paid for your trouble, huh? It's five bucks.
Okay.
- Is that better? Huh? - Which seat was it again? - It was the last row? - The last row, closest to the door.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You got it.
- Thank you.
You're welcome.
a very troubled family.
Hey.
Hmm.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Cheryl.
- Hey.
Hey.
What's Dr.
Templeton doing here? Oh, you know, Marty is having such a hard time - with this whole thing.
- Is he? So I suggested that he talk to Lionel.
- Lionel? - Dr.
Templeton.
You know, this is odd, though, because when he passed me, I gave him a very friendly hello.
I went, "Hey!" And I get back And I couldn't tell if it was a typical funeral nod or if he's angry with me because I want to change the chair in the office.
Well, it seems like it would be odd for him to give you a big hello at a funeral.
- I'm not asking for a big hello, Cheryl.
- A young man died and needs all of his friends and family.
I'm asking for, you know, a friendly hello.
"Ah.
" That's not big.
You know, maybe you should make it less about you.
And by the way, you really got me in a lot of trouble - Why? - with Dr.
Templeton.
Because you told him that I said that he likes truffles.
I got him truffle oil as a gift.
I didn't wasn't even talking about you.
- How ? - Well, he said it was a breach of patient-doctor confidentiality, which there's really no such thing.
Okay, well, then, you know what? We should respect Lionel and his process and You don't have to keep calling him Lionel.
Maybe it's getting too complicated having the same therapist.
Gotta say, you're looking sharp, sweetheart.
I like this three-piece.
I like the whole look.
- Yeah? - This slims you.
It holds you in, it's great.
- I - Where'd you get that? Barneys, you said? - Barneys Warehouse sale.
- Barneys Warehouse sale? How the fuck did you know about Barneys Warehouse sale? Uh, Larry told me.
- Larry told you about Barneys Warehouse sale? - Yeah.
I find that very difficult to believe.
- Why do you even give a shit? - Larry! Lar! Come over here.
There's always something up with you two that I can't trust, you know that? Did you tell Jeff about Barneys Warehouse sale? - Yeah.
- Where'd you hear about that from? That's so not you.
Uh, I can't say.
What do you mean you can't say? (LOUDLY) I can't say who told me about Barneys Warehouse sale.
I'm not at liberty to say.
It's a fucking sale, Larry.
Who gives a shit? Just tell me who told you.
(LOUDLY) No, I will not and cannot tell you who told me about Barneys Warehouse sale.
All right, this is sounding like bullshit now.
This sounds like another one of your mishegoss bullshit thing.
- It's not.
Just tell her.
- That is confidential information, which I will never reveal under any circumstances.
Larry didn't tell you about Barneys Warehouse.
- He told me about Barneys.
- No, he did not.
(ALL SHOUTING) That I cannot say! Not today, not tomorrow, not ever! - That's it! - SUSIE: All right, you're a fucking liar, Jeff.
- JEFF: I'm not a liar! - There's something you're not telling me.
LARRY: Dr.
Templeton! - Hey! - Honey, I'll be right in.
Hey.
Listen, I I happened to overhear that conversation, and I'm very appreciative that you respected the patient-doctor confidentiality.
Hey, you're welcome.
You know, when somebody tells me something, I take it to heart.
Glad to hear that.
You know, I noticed when I said hello to you earlier, I gave you a very hearty hello and your response was kind of grim.
- Was that a funeral hello? - Well, very observant.
It was a downward nod indicating a solemn hello as opposed to an upward nod where it would be a more joyous occasion.
Gotcha.
So, you're not mad at me? Oh, no, no, no, I'm not I'm not mad at you at all.
Have you considered my generous offer to go chair shopping with you? I have considered it, yes, and I am declining it.
- Huh.
- I think if I go chair shopping, I'll I'll do it by myself.
- Thank you.
- Well, you'll be making the same mistake all over again.
You'll have a substandard chair and a lot of unhappy clients.
That presumes a mistake was made initially.
- Hmm.
- Now, if you'll excuse me, Mrs.
Templeton is waiting for me.
- How is Mrs.
Templeton? - She's quite well.
I'd like to I'd like to meet her.
I don't think that is necessary, really, Larry.
- Do you? - Cheryl tells me that she met her.
Oh, yes.
Cheryl and Mrs.
Templeton are quite friendly.
So, why can Cheryl meet her and not me? - I don't get that.
- Well, Mrs.
Templeton has already indicated that she would rather not meet you.
Hmm.
Well, in any event, please give my regards to Mrs.
Templeton.
I probably won't.
Well, if you change your mind, Lionel, you'll let me know.
Oh, Larry.
Would it be all right if you continued to refer to me as Dr.
Templeton? (MUSIC PLAYING) Shalom and welcome to the celebration of life of Kenny Funkhouser.
We begin today with the traditional memorial prayer, Kel Maleh Rachamim.
Kel maleh rachamim - Hey, that's my seat.
- What are you talking about? I reserved I reserved that seat.
I gave the guy 20 bucks to reserve look, here's the sign.
- You threw it on the floor? - Fuck the reserved sign.
This is a memorial service, not a Knick game.
- Respect the reserved sign.
- This is the worst seat in the whole house.
- I did it because the bathroom's 10 feet away - Look.
See? It's a reserved sign.
You can't just throw it on the floor.
It should say "asshole," not "reserved.
" Do me a favor and beat it, will ya? - Just get outta here.
- I got a fatwa I gotta deal with, here.
- I need that seat.
- I'm sorry about your fatwa, but I got a problem with my urinary tract.
You always have to have the good seat, don't you? Always.
That was my seat! You took it again! - It wasn't your seat.
- You took it again! You took it again! You took it again! - MAN: Shh! - I didn't.
The Lord is his portion.
LARRY: What happened to the seat? - I gave you $20.
- May he rest in peace.
I know, I reserved it, but he just ignored it.
- RABBI: Amen.
- ALL: Amen.
Get him outta there! - He's a mourner.
- He's not mourning! If he's mourning, it's 'cause he's losing his hair on the top.
- That's what he's mourning.
- I'm an usher, I'm not a bouncer.
Okay, you know what? Forget it.
You're the last usher I ever bribe.
Fear not death.
We are all destined to die.
- We share it with all who ever lived.
- Is this taken? - It's reserved.
- Oh, okay, great.
RABBI: Death is better than a life of pain, - and eternal rest than constant sickness.
- Oh, hello, Mrs.
Templeton.
Larry, do not address Mrs.
Templeton.
I hope you're enjoying truffle season.
- Larry, find a seat.
- Okay.
- RABBI: as a grain of sand - Sorry.
- the good things in life - Who's she? - I'm Kenny's cousin.
- It's none of your business, anyway.
- Go find a seat.
- Why didn't you save me a seat? You didn't ask me to save you a seat.
- MARTY: Hey.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'd like to bring forward Kenny's uncle, Martin Funkhouser, who would like to say a few words.
- Great.
(SCOFFS) - Martin, please? - MARTY: Thank you, Rabbi Dorfman.
- Oh, sorry.
I would like to take a moment to acknowledge my former beautiful daughter Jodi, who's now my handsome son Joey.
- I love you, Joey.
- Thank you.
I love you.
- Keep up the good work.
- Thank you.
Kenny Funkhouser was my nephew.
He was a golden child.
- He was a straight-A student.
- (SOBBING) A great athlete who was going to Stanford.
All-American baseball player.
- (SOBBING LOUDLY) - Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on.
- That's way too loud.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Just whimper.
Can you whimper? This is a day of celebrating Kenny's life.
- (SOBBING CONTINUES) - What are you doing? Go cry outside, for God's sake.
- He's so young.
- Ah, come on, it's enough already.
I can't hear a thing.
- Shut up.
- Okay, okay.
Let me say some things about Kenny Funkhouser.
- Kenny is with us.
- (SNIFFLING) He will always be with us.
And someday, we'll see him again.
Maybe play catch with him, even.
When we leave this service today, let's not feel sad.
Let's be upbeat, because that's what Kenny would've wanted.
He was a very happy young man.
Fatwa! He's got a gun! (ALL SCREAMING) Ah! Oh, oh! - Oh, my God! - (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Go, sweetie, this way.
Go out this way.
(TED SHOUTING) - No! Jesus! - Wait, Ted! Go! Fatwa! - MAN: Come on.
- MAN #2: Hurry up! That's hey! That's my friend, you idiot! Oh.
Sorry.
(RECEDING FOOTSTEPS) Sorry.
WOMAN: So, as you can see, great flow.
We're just gonna move through here.
Let me show you why this is your house.
Chef's kitchen, you got silent dishwashers.
It's an entertainer's dream, really.
You could entertain for 100 people here or you could entertain for two.
- Wow.
- Floor-to-ceiling windows.
- Pizza oven.
- Uh-huh.
And where's the master bedroom? - The master bedroom is upstairs.
- Okay.
And we could take the grand staircase or we could take the elevator.
Elevator.
(MUSIC PLAYING) This is your own little sanctuary.
Beautiful, spacious room.
Lots of morning light.
- Beautiful place to wake up.
- Uh-huh.
Just a great energy in here overall.
Mm-hmm.
Furniture come with the house? No, the furniture is staged, but I could talk to the designer about throwing it in.
- You like this bed, Jeff? - (MUTTERS) - Negotiable on the price or what? - They're firm with the price.
It's out of our price range.
- Come on.
- We'll take it.
- Huh? - We'll take it.
Sold.
Congratulations.
(MUSIC PLAYING) I gotta tell you something.
I never thought I was gonna get you down here.
- This is nice.
- Let's see.
- Try that.
- (SIGHS) What do you think? - No, I don't think so.
No.
- I don't think so, either.
- Not this one.
- No.
This isn't bad.
It's got it's a bit of a rocker, here.
Let's move to another chair.
- All right.
- All right, I gotta say, this one, to me, is a perfect chair.
I think my clients would like this.
- Great.
- Why not? Well, let me Ooh, it's kind of pricey.
(CHUCKLES) Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
That's very generous of you, Larry.
Are you expecting me to pay for this chair? That is all the time we have.
And, well, I'll see you next week.
Okay? Thank you, Larry.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)