Dad's Army (1968) s09e04 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? James Frazer.
(CLEARING THROAT) As you know, I ''Dear Mrs Pickering, ''I hope you found the funeral arrangements for your late husband entirely satisfactory.
''May I say how sorry I was ''that the hearse ran out of petrol just outside the cemetery.
''I'm sure your dear departed husband would have been proud ''of the way you helped to push him to his final resting place.
''And what a fine, strong woman your mother is.
''I hope you managed to get the mud off her skirt.
''To conclude, my final account.
'' Let me see.
''One solid oak coffin, ?4 1 5 and threepence.
''One set of brass handles, 1 3 and sixpence.
''Transport fare, ?3 1 4 and twopence.
''That then makes an allowance of ?2'' No, ''Of 32 shillings.
'' Aye.
''And for the last 1 20 yards.
''Total, ?9 two and eleven pence.
'' Profit.
Profit, let me see.
Profit, ?3 six and eightpence.
Three farthings.
Total profit for the week ?1 8 1 7 and twopence.
Less six and a penny, housekeeping.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
I'll have a small herring tomorrow as a wee treat.
And I'll be able to buy two more golden sovereigns.
That'll make Let me see, 1 00, 200, 300, 400, ?504, three shillings, which, in present currency, is valued ?3,1 02, four shillings.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, mercy, mercy.
Dinnae do that! -Who's there? -It's me, Dr McCeavedy.
Hold on a wee little minute, will you, Doctor? Oh, dear.
I'll be with you in a minute, son.
I've got something to do which is just a little important.
But I won't be long, Doctor! Oh, God.
Just a minute.
All right, I'm done.
I'm with you.
I'm with you, man.
All right, it's him.
Doctor.
Come in, man.
Come away in.
That's right.
There you are.
I was just listening to ITMA.
Ah.
-Well, I've come about old Mr Brewster.
-Has his time come? Aye.
God rest him.
Dear, oh, dear.
I'll away along and make the arrangements.
Oh, I've come straight here.
He went, oh, not 20 minutes since.
Oh! Enough time for a wee dram.
(CHUCKLING) That's it.
-Will you sit down, Doctor? -Oh, you're kind.
Man, you're welcome.
Aye, welcome.
Welcome as the flu inspector.
(CHUCKLING) No? Is it level? Ah, to hell with it.
Here.
-Long may your cup be full.
-Hear hear.
-Doing your books, are you? -Aye.
Will you look at that? Six and fourpence, it's hardly worthwhile.
God, it's a hard life.
Well, I'll be off, then.
(COINS CRASHING) Oh, sorry, sorry.
Great Scot.
Sovereigns! Hundreds of gold sovereigns.
Is that a fact? I wonder I wonder how they got there.
For every tIme It raIns You know, I find what you're telling me almost beyond belief, Doctor.
I saw it, with my own eyes.
He's not my patient, you understand, so I'm breaching no confidence, but I Well, I've formed the impression that he's a trifle unstable.
Well, I daresay we've found him a little unpredictable, haven't we, Wilson? Why no, I don't think so, sir.
I think he's very predictable.
I mean, every time we decide to do anything, he invariably says, ''It'll be total disaster.
'' The point is, if all that gold got stolen, I really think it would turn his mind without any shadow of doubt.
You need to persuade him to put it all in some, well, in some place of safety.
Yes.
Well, thank you very much for the gen, Doctor.
I shall do my best for him, you can count on that.
-Thank you, Doctor.
-Thank you.
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
Well, what do you make of that? Well, sir, quite frankly, I really don't think it's any of our business.
Of course, it's our business.
He's a comrade-in-arms.
As well as a client of the bank.
It's my duty as his commanding officer, his bank manager and as his friend, to tell him that he must sell those sovereigns and buy himself an annuity.
So that you would take the commission.
Ah, yes, I But that has nothing to do with it.
-Mr Mainwaring? -Yes.
-Mr Frazer's statement.
-Oh, yes.
Thank you very much.
Yes.
Just look at that.
Poor old man.
He's only got ?1 5 six and eightpence.
We should have a collection for him.
You could organise that.
You're good at organising collections, Mr Mainwaring.
Be quiet, Pike.
?1 5 six and eightpence, eh? And he's sitting on hundreds of them.
Hundreds of what, Mr Mainwaring? Pike.
Mind your own business, Pike.
And take that thumb out of your mouth.
Sorry.
You know, I don't think he uses this account from one year's end to the next.
Is it coffins? Is what coffins? That Mr Frazer's sitting on.
You know, I have it in the back of my mind, Wilson, that it's illegal to possess more than five of these.
Don't sound like coffins.
They're supposed to be used to buy battleships and things.
Not coffins.
Handles.
-Is it coffin handles, Uncle Arthur? -Would you be quiet, Frank? But am I getting warmer? Go on, tell me.
Am I getting warmer? Just stop it, right? Stop it, now, stop it.
Mind you, I wouldn't trust him an inch.
-His eyes are very close together.
-Are they? Afraid I never noticed.
It denotes a mean streak.
Begging your pardon, Mr Mainwaring.
I don't think it's fair to say Mr Frazer's mean.
-Oh? -No.
Only last Friday he let me have three bags of crisps.
He said they were very rare and valuable, 'cause they were the real pre-war things.
-I suppose he asked you to pay for them.
-Well, only the proper price, not black market.
(GROANING) How this boy ever got his school certificate, I shall never understand.
Well, they weren't bad.
A bit soggy, but the salt was dry as a bone.
Just go away, Pike, will you? (MUTTERING) -and the bag went -Get out! I shall talk to Frazer tomorrow.
You know, sir, if Frank's fool enough to buy himself old, worn-out crisps, I really don't see that it's our business at all.
I'm not talking about crisps! Do try not to let your mind wander, Wilson.
I'm talking about sovereigns, and he's got to be made to see that what he's doing with it is sheer folly.
Well, he's very obstinate, you see.
If he even knows that you're prying into his private affairs, he'll send you away with your tail between your legs.
(CHUCKLING) I don't often get sent away with my tail between my legs, Wilson.
Well, but would you like me to drop a few hints? No, no.
I'll deal with it.
I'll be very tactful.
I'll bring it up on parade tonight.
That started It That started It Silence in the ranks.
Stop talking.
Silence in the ranks.
Private Pike.
Private Pike.
If you do not silence in the ranks, you will find yourself on a fizzer for conduct to the prejudice of not having silence in the ranks.
I was only finishing my sentence.
There won't be no time to finish those sentences when Mr Boche German starts invading, young fella-me-lad.
-He's not here now, is he? -Oh We should let the old fool get on with it, or we'll be here all night.
Right.
Tonight, we're going to practise doing things in our gas masks.
Excuse me.
Respirators.
What was that? Who said that? Captain Mainwaring likes us to call them respirators.
Ah, well, that's as maybe.
But the thing is this.
We've got to practise to such a high pitch, that everything we do in our everyday goings-on, we can do in our gas masks.
-Respirators.
-That's right.
Silence! Now, the thing is this.
One day, we will be all going about our business, when suddenly, Hitler lets it off.
Are we downhearted? No! We just put on our gas respirator and carry on as usual.
'Cause when you come to think of it, everything we do ordinary, we can do wearing one of these.
I mean, I can go on working in my shop.
Pikey can carry on banking.
Mr Frazer can furnish his funerals.
And even Mr Godfrey, you'll be able to go to the clinic, won't you, Mr Godfrey? I suppose so.
They won't be able to take my temperature, though.
No, well, perhaps you could come back later.
You might be able to come back later and have your temperature took, couldn't you? Can we eat? No.
No, that is right.
You can't eat.
You can't eat.
No, but, you can do everything else as usual.
-You cannae drink.
-No.
No, definitely not.
No, you can't drink.
I can't clean my teeth.
Well, that don't matter, do it? Who wants to go cleaning their teeth with Hitler gassing all over the place? You cannae smoke.
That's right, Mr Frazer.
Cigarette would get pushed down your throat.
The fool is talking nonsense.
There's hundreds and hundreds of things you cannae do.
Silence in the ranks, Private Frazer.
I shall have you for insubordination.
Now then, what we've got to do first, is practise doing things in our gasmasks.
Respirators.
One more interruption from you, Private Godfrey, and I'll have you doubling round the church hall 50 times.
Now, then.
First of all, I'm going to teach you how to fix bayonets.
On the command, ''Gas,'' I shall put on my respirator mask.
Right.
Gas! The thing to do, when you hear that command, is to hold your breath and get this thing on as quickly as you possibly can.
Put it on quickly as you can.
Oh, yes.
Put it on quickly.
(MUMBLING) (MUFFLED) Then you've got to get your rifle in your left hand.
(INDISTINCT) Jones, what are you doing? (JONES GROANS) (AIR INTAKE BUZZING) Sir, I'm trying to teach the men how to fix their bayonets with their gas masks.
-Take it off.
-Oh, sorry, sir.
I'm trying to teach them I'm trying to teach the men how to fix bayonets in their gas masks, sir.
-Respirator.
-Yeah, we keep telling him.
Quiet, Pike.
-Fall the men in, will you, Wilson? -Aye, sir.
Will you fall in, please, in three ranks? Quick as you can.
And I'm going to speak to the men about money and security.
-On a broad basis, you understand.
-Oh, how lovely.
Now we'll soon see if Frazer gives himself away, all right? Now before we all dismiss, I just want to have a little word with you about savings.
As you know, this war is costing us millions of pounds a day.
I expect you all worked hard for all your life.
Yes, I had a hard life, sir.
When I was 1 0 years old, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning -and follow the milkman round with his horse.
-MAINWARING: Yes.
And every time the horse stopped, the milkman shouted, ''Hang on to that horse, you young shaver.
'' And he wasn't a nice horse, Captain Mainwaring.
'Cause in the winter, in the cold, he used to stamp his feet and tread all over my toes.
In the summer, with his flies, he used to keep tossing his head and he used to toss me over his shoulder.
And if I let go, the milkman used to clip me round the earhole.
He only paid me twopence a week.
But it was a good life.
Now, we must get our money to work for us.
-That's right, isn't it, Sergeant Wilson? -Oh, yes, sir.
Certainly, yes, sir.
Yes.
As I say, we must make our money work for us.
There are people, you know, who put pound notes under the mattress.
Now, this is foolhardy.
My mum keeps quite a lot concealed about her person.
She says nobody will find it there, least of all Uncle Arthur.
Would you be quiet, Frank? Excuse me, Captain Mainwaring.
My sister Dolly keeps quite a bit in an old teapot.
It has a broken spout.
Ooh You must take a very firm line about that, Godfrey.
You must make her put it into a bank.
Captain Mainwaring, are you touting for business? No, certainly not, I'm just giving you some advice.
Now, the other thing is to think about the risk involved, I mean, you might have a bomb falling or an incendiary or even a burglary.
Now, burglars, of course, would be particularly on the lookout for gold.
(EXCLAIMING) Not that I expect you chaps have much gold about, but if you have, then it's your patriotic duty to sell it to help the war effort.
-And put the money in your bank.
-Not necessarily, no.
Right.
That's all.
Atten-hut! Dismissed.
-Come with me a moment, would you, Wilson? -Yes, of course, sir, yes.
-I think that was pretty well done, don't you? -Oh, yes.
Very well done, indeed, sir.
-I think I handled that rather subtly.
-Yes, very diplomatically, sir.
Yes.
I don't think Frazer suspected that I was referring particularly to him, do you? Oh no, sir.
No, not at all, no.
But I must say, when you said the word ''gold'', I did just notice that he jumped ever so slightly out of his skin.
Well, I'm quite sure that he had no inkling that I really knew.
Oh, no, sir.
No, no, no.
Not at all, no.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Come in.
Yes, Frazer.
Captain Mainwaring, there's just one thing I want to say to you.
If you think you are going to get your hands on my gold, you can think again.
I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you.
That's all I want to say.
Thank you.
You are my sunshIne My only sunshIne Seven pounds of King Edwards.
Sixpence.
And the next, please.
-I hear you've got onions.
-Shh! Do you want the whole world queuing outside? You can have half a pound, but only 'cause you're a regular.
And the next, then.
-Oh, hello, Vicar.
We don't often see you in here.
-We don't often see onions here.
Shh! You can have half a pound, but only on condition that you promise to cut your sermons to eight minutes.
And that includes getting in and out of the pulpit.
Here you are.
Shove them under your cassock and look holy.
Here, here, here.
Have you heard the scandal about Frazer, the undertaker? Is there a woman involved? Be quiet, Mr Yeatman.
You shouldn't listen to gossip.
What's he done? They say he's hoarding thousands of gold coins in his shop.
You can't move for them.
Well, in that case, I shall ask him for a contribution for the church fabric fund.
You'll be lucky.
He's owed me 1 3 and six since last January.
I've asked him for it till I'm blue in the face.
I'll tell you what, if I don't get it, I'll county-court him.
What I say is, parsimony is a sin if it's carried to excess.
Don't you agree, Vicar? I've never really given it very much thought, Mr Yeatman.
Well, he can't take it with him and that's a fact.
Oh, I don't know.
They say he's going to put them in his coffin when he goes, like them Vikings did.
What a waste! I shall go round and see him straightaway.
Hello, Operator? Are you still getting no reply? Well, I don't understand it, but thank you very much indeed for trying.
Yes.
Goodbye.
-I don't understand this at all.
-Eh? Frazer's never ever missed a parade.
-I do hope he's all right.
Have you had any luck? -(SLURRING) He wasn't at the Horse and Hound I haven't seen him at the Fox since Christmas.
I know that because we've made enquires.
We also made enquiries at the Red Lion, the Marquis of Granby and We went to the Fox and Pheasant and the Black Horse and what Mum's going to say when she sees you like this, I do not know.
-Sit down, Wilson.
-Oh, thank you, sir.
Thank you very much, indeed.
-Behind you, there.
-Thank you.
He wasn't at Charlie's Cafe, either.
No, we had a black coffee there and that's not done you much good.
We are supposed to be off-duty.
And a damn good job for you, you are.
Now you sit down there and be quiet until you've sobered up a bit.
I don't want the rest of the platoon to know that their sergeant's a drunkard.
Frank, the darned Captain is cross with me.
(SHUSHING) He wasn't in the library, sir.
And he didn't answer when we knocked on his door.
But he's took his milk in, so we know he's taking nourishment.
I went to the Peabody Rooms but he wasn't at the whist drive.
Well, he's probably with some floozy in a gambling den in darkest Walmington.
Wilson (PHONE RINGING) Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
-Is that you, Captain Mainwaring? -Frazer? Where are you? Why aren't you on parade? I'm not coming.
It's all your fault.
I could hardly move for folk hammerIng on my door.
Even that peely-wally vicar.
No.
Now, mark this, none of ye are gonna get your hands on my gold.
I'm putting it where none of ye will ever find it.
(CLICKING) Now, hear, Frazer.
Nobody wants your gold.
All we're trying to Hello? Hello? Hello? He put the receiver down.
-Was he in a callbox, Captain Mainwaring? -I don't think so.
I didn't hear the twopence go.
Then he was at home.
The point is, what is he going to do? Well, I know what I'd do if I was in his shoes.
I'd get all my gold and I'd melt it down.
And when it was all hot and bubbly, I'd pour it into a mould and make of it a large vessel.
And then I would paint it white and put it somewhere where it didn't notice.
(WILSON SCOFFING) You mean, you'd make it into a vase de nuIt.
What did you say? Vase de nuIt.
It's French.
I'm aware that it's French.
It means, literally, a night vase.
-Night vase? -Yes.
-Tiddley pot.
-What did you say? That's what we used to call them at school, you know, when we were in the dorm, we used to call them tiddley pots.
Will you be quiet? Mainwaring, I saw a film once, it was called MIser's Gold.
Now, in that film there was a man and he had to hide his ill-gotten golden nuggets somewhere, so he hid them in a field.
But a farmer came along and ploughed it up.
Then the other man came back looking all haggard and he searched around in the mud and all he could find was stones.
And that's what he said, you see.
He said, ''Stones, stones.
My nuggets turned into stones.
'' I can't listen to all this drivel.
Just a minute.
You may have hit on something.
-Have I? -He would bury it.
-The point is, where? -In his garden.
No, wouldn't bury it in his garden.
It's all concrete.
You can't bury things in concrete.
Not unless you got one of those rheumatic drills.
How about Peabody Park? -Yeah, that's a possible.
-In the sand hills, at night.
No, no, there's always too many people in the sand hills at night.
-Let's face it.
There are a dozen places.
-Yeah.
-I think he'll do it tonight, sir.
-You may be right, Jones.
Now, look.
There's only one way to deal with this.
We've got to shadow him.
What, like George Raft? Now, we'll make a roster.
We'll keep him covered throughout the hours of darkness.
Right, Sergeant.
Put down all the Oh, no, never mind.
Tiddley pots, that's what they One, two, button your shoe -Hello? Hello? -Yes.
-Captain Mainwaring.
-Yes.
Jack Jones the butcher here.
Yes, what is it, Jones, has there been some development? We saw Private Frazer come out, sir, out of his house.
He's got a box under his arm.
Not an undertaker's box, you understand.
No, no.
Go on.
Yes, sir, and he looked kind of furtive.
And he moved off.
So we followed him and we followed him and we followed him.
Oh, get on with it.
And then he went into a churchyard.
So I said to Pikey, ''You stop here and watch him.
'' Come on.
He's in the churchyard.
(HICCUPPING) And I went flitting from monument to monument, you now, like a wreath.
You know, so as he wouldn't spot me.
And then suddenly, I saw a telephone box and I thought to meself, ''Ha-ha.
Oh, that's hunky-dory.
'' So I got out two pennies and I was just Hello? Oh, he must have put the phone down.
I expect he's in one of his moods.
-Yes? Hello, who is it? -It's me, Chief Warden Hodges.
Here.
-Guess what I saw on patrol just now.
-Was it animal, vegetable or mineral? This isn't a game.
I've just seen Frazer sneak into the churchyard with a box under his arm.
I'll bet it's full of gold and he's gonna bury it.
When the Vicar asked him for a donation, he told him he was as poor as a church mouse.
I was there in person.
He said it plain as a pikestaff, through his very own letterbox.
(MUTTERING) I just thought the vicar would like to find out what's going on in his churchyard at half past one in the morning.
All right.
We'll be round in five minutes.
(CACKLING) (GASPING) There he is, Mr Mainwaring.
Look over there.
See, he digs.
Then he cackles.
Then he digs again.
He's been doing that for 1 0 minutes.
Dig, dig (CACKLING) Don't keep doing that.
-There he is.
-Do you see what he's doing, Your Reverence? He's desecrating.
I don't think it's quite as bad as that, Mr Yeatman.
(CHUCKLING) They're not going to get any They're never going to get my gold.
-Uncle Arthur? -Hmm.
I'm frightened.
That's it.
Yes.
(CACKLING) Wait till he gets to the gate and then we'll go and investigate.
He's off.
Let's follow him.
Wait a minute.
I can see figures moving.
This is the place.
Right.
Uncover it, Pike.
-What with? -With your hands, of course.
There might be slugs and worms and creepy crawlies.
Get on with it.
You ought to have somebody look at that boy, you know.
Here.
They're wearing army hats.
I do believe it's Mainwaring's lot.
What's he doing here? Come on, Mr Yeatman.
Ever so heavy.
It must be chock-full of gold.
Open it up.
-It's locked.
-Here, Pikey.
Use my bayonet.
Do you think we should, sir? After all, it's not ours.
You're quite right, Sponge, leave it alone.
Ha! Caught you.
Red-handed.
-You were just gonna steal that, weren't you? -I was doing no such thing.
-What are you doing here, then? -I'll deal with this, Mr Yeatman.
Captain Mainwaring is going about his lawful vocations.
What, in a churchyard at half past one in the morning? I am very concerned for the welfare of one of my troops.
You were filching that box.
Will you be quiet, Mr Yeatman? I am going to speak to Frazer tomorrow.
And I am going to strongly advise him to sell these sovereigns, -and buy himself an annuity.
-On which you get commission.
On which I get Never mind that.
She has her head tucked underneath her arm So you see, Frazer, we acted from the very best of motives.
But the fact that we could find your box so easily only adds proof to my statement.
The bank is the best place for your valuables, whether they be in cash or in kind.
-But not your bank.
-Please don't interfere, Mr Hodges.
-Fetch the box, would you, Wilson? -Yes, of course, sir, yes.
Have you got a key? Here, son.
Give that to the Captain.
He's a fine man.
Now, don't worry Now, rest assured, Frazer, my bank will take good care of this.
And a small contribution for the fabric of the church will be most gratefully received.
It's a brick! It's a damn brick.
Aye! It's a brick! And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his church.
I'm holding onto my money.
You are not gonna put your hands on it at all.
You're not gonna have my gold.
You're not going to have my gold!