Futurama s09e04 Episode Script

1
[flamenco music playing]
[theme song playing]
♪
[brush scraping]
I don't get why you brush your buggalo.
They have no hair.
[whispers]
Shh! They don't know that.
Don't know what?
[hollow bonking]
They're just such beautiful creatures.
My parents own the largest herd on Mars.
Where do you keep them all?
[buggalo chittering]
O-M-Jah!
Don't know how I missed them!
We raise them for food
but Betsy here has been my pet
since I was a kid.
That's why we not eat her!
[sizzling]
- [Hermes yelps] Yet.
- Don't know how I missed you either!
Amy, you forget the best part
of raising buggalo.
Bugfighting season!
[flamenco sting]
Neat!
[camera shutter snaps]
Nobody's gonna fight
sweet little Betsy, are they?
No, no. Females too wimpy.
Buggalo matadors only fight the males.
[fierce snarling]
[banging]
[gasps] How do I keep
missing these things?!
Nobody should be fighting
any kind of buggalo.
It's cruel and inhumanoid.
Oh, please.
They're just brainless insects.
Really? 'Cause they have
very large brain pans
- according to the brain-ometer.
- Big don't mean smart.
Zoidberg's big, but he got
the intelligence of a brine shrimp.
- Thank you, sir!
- It's not about intelligence.
There's just something
special about them.
[loud slurping]
Ew, gross!
[loud chomping]
After lunch, you all come downtown.
We kick off bugfighting season
with the running of the buggalo!
- Sounds dangerous.
- Oh, no. Couple people get killed.
Not many. Not dangerous at all.
- People get killed, you say?
- Four, five tops. Plus some robots.
But mostly people, you say?
I'll do it.
- [all cheer] Let's run it!
- You guys can't be serious!
Leela, you're not gonna
participate in this, are you?
[chewing]
Uh How about
we let this be your issue?
[rousing pasodoble music playing]
[crowd cheering]
Welcome, spectators, runners,
and coffin salesmen,
to the annual running
of the buggalo!
[crowd cheering]
We got a great group of buggalo
[snarling, snorting]
and a lazy-looking bunch of runners.
[listless groaning]
So sign those liability waivers,
say goodbye to your loved ones
And run for your lives!
[flare gun fires]
[crowd cheers]
[buggalo snorting]
ANNOUNCER [on speaker]:
And they're off and running!
Hello, splatter fans.
Don Cunningham here.
The red planet will run red today
with the blood of its bravest heroes.
Also their guts.
[crowd cheering]
[Leela and Fry panting]
[Professor snoring]
[Zoidberg whooping]
[breathless panting]
[yelps]
[thundering]
[chittering]
[back cracks]
Whoo!
[grunts]
Next time, watch where you're going!
[grunts]
[tiles shatter]
[Bender thuds]
CUNNINGHAM:
And the buggalo make the turn
towards the Mars Vegas Strip,
home of the $1.99 subprime rib.
[slot machines chiming]
Come on! Baby needs a new left hip!
[handle cranks]
[wheels spinning]
[buggalo thundering]
[crashing, smashing]
[coin clatters]
[chandeliers creak]
[coin clatters on floor]
♪
[panting]
Man, I'm running outta steam.
Good thing that's not what I run on.
[gasps]
[eyes whirring]
[dreamy music playing]
[eyes whirring]
[eyelashes whir, clang]
[panting] I'm Bender, baby!
What's your name?
Marquita Maria Christina
Chiquita Alana Paloma
- Uh-huh Right Okay
- Ramona Rosita Catalina Lupe
Lunes Martes Miercoles
Jueves Viernes Sabado Domingo
Cat's got some moves!
He's very light on his feet
for a two-ton robot.
I've never seen such beauty.
Do you have many more names?
- Yes, many. Veronica Helena Hermina
- Uh-huh? Right.
- Francesca Esperanza Valentina
- Okay. Keep going.
Carmelita Leonora Lupita
Isabella Juanita [Bender grunting]
Teresa Sofia Mariana Benihana Bonita
Nereida Guadalupe
[grunting continues]
Alvarez.
[dreamy music playing]
[woozy groaning]
[grunts]
[clanging, banging]
[Bender grunting]
[thundering away]
[crumpling, whirring]
BENDER: No! Where'd she go?!
[gasps, sighs]
I'll never see
the love of my life again!
And even more tragic,
she'll never see me again!
[sobbing]
CUNNINGHAM: Another magnificent
running of the buggalo
has come to an end.
[dogs barking]
Along with many, many lives.
What a sick and unnecessary exercise.
And such a beautiful tradition.
[sad sigh]
MAN:
Excuse me, Señor Bender?
- I'm Abner Doubledeal.
- BENDER: I know you!
You're the commissioner of
the Ultimate Robot Fighting League.
And also every other league.
Plus, I'm El Comisario of
La Asociación de Bugfighting.
And I need you to be my new matador.
Wh-What happened to the old matador?
[buggalo chittering]
- Uh, he retired.
- I don't know.
It seems dangerous.
I mean, I know I'm great,
- but do you think I'm great enough?
- Definitely not.
That's why you'll need to be trained
by the greatest matador alive.
[dramatic, dreamy music playing]
[gasps]
Marquita Maria Christina, etc.?
I would die a thousand deaths
to spend one minute with her!
[grunts]
Then you have chosen
the right line of work!
[upbeat pasodoble music playing]
[snarling, snorting]
[chittering]
[crowd cheers]
[crowd cheers]
Marquita's the best.
You'll wanna learn
all her trademark moves.
Trademark infringement?
My specialty!
[snarling, snorting]
[energetic flamenco music playing]
[knife stabs]
[crowd groans]
CUNNINGHAM: Ooh, and Matador Marquita
dispatches the honorable beast
with utmost honor.
I've never seen so much honor, folks.
I just hope Marquita
doesn't slip on all that honor.
[gentle flamenco music playing]
Bender, I want you
to meet your trainer.
Matador Marquita Maria Christina
something something.
¡Comisario! If you can't remember
a simple name, I'm not
I remember it!
Chiquita Alana Paloma
Ramona Rosita Catalina Lupe Lunes
Just train him to survive this season.
I gotta go.
- The NFL's up for sale on Craigslist.
- Valentina Carmelita Lenora
[muffled]
- You remember that from our brief meeting?
- Alvarez.
I pay close attention when
things are about to get jiggy.
[romantic music playing]
I too was struck by the thunderbolt
of love at first sight.
But love must wait until you have studied
- the ways of the bugfighter.
- First study, then jiggy?
Patience is the hallmark of the matador.
[excited squeal]
We shall begin with the most
important element of bugfighting.
Stabbing? Screaming?
- [flirtatious] Jigging?
- Clothing.
[dramatic flamenco music playing]
Uh, you got anything slimming?
I wanna give the buggalo
as small a target as possible.
Sir! My family has been
making matador outfits
- for seven generations!
- So you're experienced?
My father died yesterday.
You're my first customer.
Honestly, most of
our matador work is repairs.
Lots and lots of repairs.
[The Bullfighter's Song plays]
[muleta flaps]
[puffing]
[clang, crash]
[flapping]
[clang]
[both grunt]
[panting]
Ah, ah. Only if you
survive your first bugfight.
And maybe gargle something.
[trumpet sting]
In honor of Bender's
first bugfight tomorrow,
Buggalo wings with
Martian Valley Ranch!
Them's good eats!
I can't believe you're going
through with this, Bender.
- They're just innocent bugs.
- And yet, you're eating one right now.
No, I'm not.
This is Beyond Buggalo.
- Yuck. What it made from, plant?
- No. Pork! I never did like pigs.
Betsy? Want some porky-worky?
[slurps, crunches]
Hey! Why you talking to her?
Dumb bugs can't understand anything!
Now, now, Leo.
Perhaps Amy has a point.
I brought my X-ray specs so I can
directly examine Betsy's brain.
[whirring, humming]
[gasps] My word!
Amy is absolutely 100%
wrong.
Buggalo heads are literally empty!
They have no brain whatsoever!
Maybe not, but Betsy's
got emotional intelligence!
That's the stupidest
kind of intelligence!
[legs scuttling]
[rousing mariachi trumpet playing]
[crowd cheering]
- I love you, Bender! [swoons]
- Shut up, señorita! I know it!
[clang]
- Marry me, Bender! Then, divorce me!
- Man, this is my kind of sport.
[scuttling, snarling]
Oh, right. The buggalo.
[snarling, growling]
Eh, you don't look so fierce.
[roaring]
- Oh, that's new.
- Bender! Remember what I taught you!
[echoing] Always smooth
your compression socks.
Ah, right.
[tense music playing]
[roars]
[all gasp]
Oh no! My cerveza hat!
[dramatic music building]
[straining, grunting]
[snorts]
CUNNINGHAM:
And the crowd falls silent
as one of their own faces mortal peril.
[chittering]
[crowd gasps]
[Fry wails]
Save him, Matador Bender!
[heroic music playing]
CUNNINGHAM: They're on the edge
of their seats, waiting to hear how I,
Don Cunningham,
describe the ensuing carnage.
[screams]
[snorting]
[crunch]
[crowd gasps]
Fry! No!
It's okay!
Five-second rule!
♪
[buggalo thuds]
[Bender grunts]
[crowd cheers]
Astounding! Matador Bender
has won the audience over!
Fembots are tossing
their dainties into the ring.
They're throwing their
shiny metal asses at me?
I love you, Bender.
[clang]
[Bender groans]
[dramatic music playing]
[Bender straining]
[buggalo growls]
[hooves thundering]
CUNNINGHAM:
The tension is excruciating!
You don't wanna miss
one second of this action, fans!
And now, a word from our sponsor.
[gentle music playing]
As a matador who may
or may not still be alive,
I know nothing's more
annoying than a bugfight
getting interrupted by a commercial.
So upgrade now
to ad-free Fulu Premium.
The same old shows
for an exciting new price.
[ding]
[dramatic music playing]
[hooves thundering]
[straining]
CUNNINGHAM:
Welcome back, fans.
What a beautiful afternoon at the arena
where Matador Bender is about
to be shredded like tin foil.
[dramatic music building]
[scuttling, thundering]
[whimpering]
[echoing]
Bender, did I teach you nothing?
Kinda!
♪
[all gasp]
[hooves thundering]
I'm dead if I can't magically
pull a sword outta my ass.
Hey, wait!
[flamenco music playing]
[blade crunches]
[all gasp]
I'm in my car now, on the way home.
But what's this?
[crowd roaring]
I hear the crowd roaring behind me.
[heavy thud]
[roaring continues]
[air horn blows]
[fembots swooning]
[heavy clatter]
Matador Bender, in honor of your
thrilling come-from-behind victory,
I award you the head and carapace
of your defeated rival
[chainsaw buzzing]
in lieu of financial remuneration.
[crowd cheering]
[kisses, blows]
[wind gusting]
[metal clanks]
[flamenco music playing]
[gears clanking, whirring]
[slurping]
Ooh! This cart has buggalo legs!
[loud chomping]
[glasses clink]
You did well, Bender.
Of all the students I have ever taught,
you are the one who is alive.
Hey, Marquita,
let me ask you something,
- matador to matador.
- "Hay" is for horses. Go on.
Do you think it's possible
buggalo really do have
some kind of awareness?
'Cause when it looked me in
the eye, I felt something.
Not something phony like love.
Something real like the Force.
I too have felt such a thing.
But, of course, it is impossible for a bug
to feel the complex emotions
we robots feel.
Speaking of complex emotions,
how are you feeling about the jiggy
we earlier discussed gettin'?
[gentle Spanish guitar music playing]
[fireworks crackling]
[sparks fizzing]
[snoring loudly]
[music building]
♪
[buggalo chittering]
[Bender sighs]
It's a soothing sound, isn't it?
[yelling] Amy!
You scared me brickless!
I was just tucking Betsy in.
Anyway, congrats.
I'm no bugfighting fan
but you must feel great after today.
I always feel great.
'Cause I am.
But, I also feel something else tonight.
Something I've never felt before.
- Guilt?
- Maybe.
I always wondered what guilt felt like.
[neck creaks]
Hey, um, can I come in?
They're too dumb to know
I killed their pal, right?
Probably.
[gate creaks]
Just stay away from Betsy.
[flamenco guitar flourish]
[sighs]
I'm sorry I killed your friend.
Or uncle. Or fruncle.
[sniffles]
Can you forgive me?
[flamenco music playing]
[buggalo clicking]
It really is such a soothing sound.
DEEP VOICES: Bender
[louder] Bender
[louder] Bender!
What? Who's there?
Is that you, Fruncle Friender?
[buggalo chittering]
BUGGALO: We are honored
to share our sleeping space with you.
[gasps] You can talk?!
I mean, not as good as me can, but still.
BUGGALO:
Please make yourself comfortable
in the place of honor
at the bottom of the sleeping pile.
♪
[nervous muttering, yelps]
BENDER [muffled]:
I can't breathe!
[normal]
Oh, right. Robots don't breathe.
Actually, this is pretty cozy.
[flamenco guitar flourish]
[contented sigh]
[buggalo chitter softly]
[Bender snoring]
♪
[crowing]
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys!
[loud chomping, gulps]
- What?
- You're not gonna believe this,
but something amazing happened.
- The buggalo spoke to me!
- That is amazing!
And we don't believe you!
[loud crunching]
- Which buggalo spoke?
- All of them!
- Buggalo can be singular or plural.
- I understand, Bender.
Buggalo cannot speak,
but sometimes,
I feel as though they do.
- But they don't.
- They do not don't! Tell her, Amy!
Uh, Bender, I think you may have
taken me a little too literally.
Nuh-uh!
They're intelligent creatures!
I say the travesty of bugfighting
must end once and for all!
Then it was nice having jiggy with you.
[chair creaks]
Now, if you'll excuse me,
- I must prepare for a bugfight.
- Marquita! Don't go!
Please!
[chewing] She seems nice.
[dramatic pasodoble music playing]
♪
Poor things. Don't worry.
You'll be okay.
[sobbing] No, you won't!
I was lying! I'm sorry.
Guys, guys, I've got a plan.
I'm gonna disguise myself
as El Gran Buggalo
and put a stop to this savagery.
I don't usually do the right thing,
but I'll be ruining everyone's day,
so it balances out.
[squishing]
[echoing]
Whoa, trippy. Now, here's the idea.
Just at the key moment,
I'll rip off my disguise and say
[muffled indistinct passionate speech]
That oughta convince 'em.
[triumphant pasodoble music playing]
CUNNINGHAM:
Today's match pits the greatest matador
of her generation
against the greatest buggalo of its.
You know him, you love him.
El Gran Buggalo!
Look how his legs barely move
as he glides effortlessly,
with all the majesty and grace
of a dog on a skateboard.
BENDER: Marquita, it's me.
Don't worry. I'm just gonna
[muffled indistinct speech]
CUNNINGHAM: What's this?
El Gran Buggalo is up on his hind legs.
Is he trying to teach us a new dance?
BENDER [muffled]:
Ladies and gentlemen
[muffled indistinct speech]
[grunting]
[echoing] Man, this head is
really stuck on tight.
- [knife slices] Oh crap!
- Kill it already!
It's not getting any tastier
just standing there!
[muffled pleading]
[crowd cheering]
[dramatic music playing]
CUNNINGHAM: And Matador Marquita
moves in for the kill.
It's all over, folks.
This is Don "Beat the Traffic"
Cunningham signing off.
[crowd cheering]
[intriguing music playing]
[Spanish guitar flourish]
[intriguing music playing]
[guitar flourish]
[knife stabs]
[Marquita grunts]
[dramatic sting]
[muffled whimpering]
[somber music playing]
[sighs]
Don't you people get it?!
This buggalo is just an innocent
[dramatic sting]
- robot?
- How did you get that off so easily?
[pained grunting]
[crowd gasping]
- Bender, no! Are you in pain?
- Marquita, my darling. I'm
I'm okay. Luckily, the sword
just went through my head.
[creaking]
[mic feedback]
People of Mars! Matadors!
- Don Cunningham!
- FRY: He went home!
Maybe buggalo really are brainless.
Maybe they don't feel any pain.
Maybe they don't suffer.
But, even so,
what does it say about us
that we celebrate
their bloody deaths?
Instead of celebrating death,
should we not be celebrating life?
And love?
Bender, hear me now.
I love bugfighting.
You lousy tramp!
I oughta kick you!
- But I love you more.
- Okay, that's better.
Let us end this barbaric,
yet noble, yet barbaric ritual
once and for all!
[crowd cheering]
- Yet noble
- Shh.
Guess you were right, Amy.
I'm proud of you.
You disinherited.
[mic feedback]
[clears throat]
Buggalo fighting
now banned forever.
[crowd cheering]
But gambling still legal.
Nothing wrong with gambling.
I brought mines with me.
[coin clatters]
Come. Let us make the jiggy.
[loud rumbling]
[both gasp]
[dramatic music playing]
[scuttling]
[chittering]
BUGGALO:
We are the buggalo.
[all gasp]
What?! They can talk?
My word!
It seems that while each
individual buggalo is brainless,
their empty skulls
form resonance chambers
that allow large groups
to assemble a hive mind!
BUGGALO:
The raisin man is correct.
We have consciousness,
and we feel emotions.
Fear, pain, suffering.
All the emotions.
But, most of all,
we have a deep love
of buggalo fighting!
[all gasp]
- Huh?
- Say what?
BUGGALO:
Much of our culture is built around
this ancient tradition.
It's not a very rich culture,
we admit that.
We just like to eat grass
and kill matadors.
But, we refuse to forsake
our noble traditions.
The fight must continue!
[snorting, snarling]
[gulps]
[swords slicing]
I love you, Bender!
We shall die together
with great honor.
I love you, too, baby.
But, Bender!
You said we was engaged!
- No! He swore his love to me!
- And me!
- Bender. Are you two-timing me?!
- Two?
Nah, nah. It's way more than that.
- How did this happen? And when?
- Well, remember when
I said I spent a whole night
sleeping with the buggalo?
It was actually only part of a night.
And I didn't do much sleepin'.
[dramatic sting]
I call first gore.
[Bender whimpers]
[buggalo growl]
Well, I deserve this.
[metal crashing on metal]
[Bender and Marquita grunting]
This has been Don Cunningham.
Goodnight, everybody.
[rousing pasodoble music playing]