M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e04 Episode Script

##[Big Band.]
[Klinger On P.
A.
.]
Attention, Major Houlihan.
Last call for Major Houlihan.
You have a phone call.
Oh, by the way, it's your father.
Sorry, sir, I can't seem to locate her.
Perhaps if you call back No! You hang up that phone, and I'll kill you.
Uh, here's your little angel now, sir.
Daddy? [Screams.]
I can't believe it! Do you realize there are millions of people in Asia with no food, and I'm one of them.
Hey, everybody, listen to this.
I've got the most exciting news.
My father is coming to visit day after tomorrow.
"Howitzer" Al Houlihan? I thought your dad was retired, Margaret.
What's he doing in this neck of the woods? It's a business trip.
He's a civilian military adviser now.
After my mom and dad got divorced, he decided to take on a little something - keep himself busy.
- Sound idea.
Idle hands are Lucifer's workshop.
Well, I, for one, can't wait to shake his hand grenade.
Remember when he sent Margaret that camouflage negligee to prevent sneak attacks? Can it, you creeps.
Colonel, you will see that this camp is shipshape for his arrival? Aye, aye, Major.
Anything else? Well, sir, now that you mention it your hair could use a little trim.
Klinger, there's a cracker on the floor.
How can you miss anything that big? Well, I didn't miss it.
I picked it up and swept under it.
Well, sweep it or eat it.
I want you to stack these things neatly.
I assume you've met Hurricane Margaret.
Well, your outside looks okay.
Any inside information? It feels pretty good, Doc.
I'm releasing you in the morning.
You can go back to your unit.
You people did a terrific job.
I'd love to find a way to pay you back.
I work in Food Requisitions and Disbursements.
Oh, the Department of Cruel and Unusual Nourishment.
Now I know where you got that.
Pistol-whipped with one of your own waffles.
It was even dumber than that.
This General Beswick heard we had fresh strawberries and just had to have some.
So they sent me up to the front and my jeep turned over.
Your strawberry general deserves a big raspberry.
Yeah, I'll say.
He lives high off the hog, and guys like you eat slop.
Maybe I can do something for you.
How'd you like some steak? Oh, gee, I don't know.
You mean, give up gristle? No kidding.
When I get back, I'll try to lay my hands on some prime stuff.
Well, no offense, Morgove, but I've heard that before.
Why don't you just relax? Don't bite off more than I can chew.
That's him! He's here! Fall in! Ten-hut! Dress right, dress! Wipe those smiles off your faces and try not to look so miserable.
Oh, Dad, it's so wonderful to see you.
Margaret, please, not in front of the troops.
Oh, of course.
Um, Dad, my nurses, sir.
Colonel, ready for inspection.
Margaret, this sort of thing is a little out of my league these days.
Aw, come on, Dad, you'll be so pleased.
- They're the sharpest nurses in Korea.
- All right.
V.
I.
P.
Tent.
[Jet Flying Overhead.]
- They look fine to me.
- Thank you, sir.
Dismissed.
I guess there's only so much you can do under the circumstances.
Colonel Potter! - Colonel Houlihan.
- Colonel Potter.
Colonel Potter, this is my father, Colonel Houlihan.
Right, Major.
I can't tell you how good it feels to shake hands with someone who remembers the same presidents.
- Welcome to the 4077.
- Pleasure, Colonel.
And Captains Pierce and Hunnicutt.
They're two of our finest surgeons.
- Honor to meet you, Colonel.
- How do you do, Colonel? Any father of Margaret's is a father of mine.
Uh, Dad, maybe I should show you to your new quarters now.
- That would be fine, Margaret.
- Excuse us.
Well, seems like a nice enough fella.
I don't think he took a shine to my shoes.
I think his first command to us would be "dress right.
" I fixed everything in your tent exactly the way you like it.
I hope those two aren't typical of all your officers.
- No, they're just draftees, but they're top-notch surgeons.
- [Dog Barking.]
[Horn Honking.]
So, how are you, Dad? Couldn't be better.
This job was just the ticket to keep me busy.
- And how's my little soldier? - Oh, wonderful.
I've got a lot of responsibility, but I love it.
- I always told you it's better to lead than to follow, didn't I? - Yes, sir.
At this rate, you'll make lieutenant colonel right on schedule.
Yes, sir.
You bet I will.
It's so odd to see you and think that you and Mother aren't Margaret, it's been a long trip, and, uh I'd like to unpack and freshen up.
Oh, of course, Daddy.
I understand.
I'll see you later.
- Captain Pierce? - Yeah? There's a package for you in my office the size of New Jersey, only heavier.
- For me? - Uh-huh.
- What is it? - I don't know.
- But it's marked "Educational Materials.
" - Who's it from? Um, Sergeant Morgove at Quartermaster Supply.
Morgove? Oh, Morgove.
He was that kid with the head wound.
- Ah.
- Promised to send me some, uh - What? - [Chuckles.]
- What? What? - Come on.
We may get a chance to educate our palates.
- Come on, what is it, Teach? - I don't wanna get your hopes up but just, uh, follow me and keep your knives and forks crossed.
- Didn't I tell you? - Would you look at that? - This is almost more than a mouth can take.
- What? What is it? Relax, gentlemen.
If we're lucky, you may have a bone to pick with me.
- Get a hammer.
- Hammer.
- [Chuckles.]
- See what that says.
- Uh, "Dear Dr.
Pierce "Please be advised that this package is top secret as well as top grade.
"It has been accidentally rerouted from General Beswick.
This time he gets canned liver, and you get prime steaks.
" - Steaks! - Steaks! Close the door.
"Thanks, and once again sincerely, Ronnie Morgove.
" I thought he was just kidding.
Now he's gonna make me eat his words.
Oh, you mean to tell me this whole box is full of steak as in tender, tasty, tempting T-bone? From the size, it must be A-to-Z-bone.
- Look at that.
It's packed in dry ice.
- I got gloves.
[B.
J.
.]
Will you hurry? My taste buds are dancing in the street.
This is fantastic.
There must be enough here for the whole camp.
- We could throw a surprise party in the Mess Tent.
- Yeah.
- It's the last place anybody'd expect to find food.
- Hey, wait a minute.
What cut of steak is this? That's the unkindest cut of all a frozen, naked cow.
Looks like your friend Morgove gave us the cold shoulder.
It'll take at least Close the lid.
Listen.
I think we oughta put this whole party on ice for a couple of days.
A guy like Howitzer Al would love to shoot his mouth off to General Beswick, you know? - I'll keep it here till he's gone.
- Yeah.
Nobody will go near it.
It's marked "Educational Material.
" - That's good.
- Hey, let's go.
We've got wounded.
Well, that'll certainly kill our appetites.
- I got a bad bleeder here.
- Can you see everything okay, Dad? Don't worry about me, Margaret.
Just go on with your work.
There we go.
A stitch in time saves six.
Number seven.
Now serving number seven.
Oh, by the by, Pierce, on the way over I nearly took a header on that crate addressed to you.
Bigger than my first house.
What's in it? Uh, educational materials.
Educational material? For Pierce? It's like buying gloves for the Venus de Milo.
Bite your tongue, Charles.
It's liable to be all you get.
Uh, they're just joking, Dad.
They like to work in a lighthearted atmosphere.
Just this once, couldn't you conduct yourself with the tiniest trace of professionalism? Margaret, will you perch somewhere? Your shoes are beginning to smoke.
He's your father.
He's not the inspector general.
- I ask you to do one crummy thing for me - [Coughs.]
Because it really means a lot, and this is what I get.
I don't know why I expected anything from any of you.
Margaret, take it easy, will you? You're a nurse in a china shop.
[Sighs.]
- ## [Radio: Big Band.]
- [Knocking.]
Come in.
I thought you might like a little snack before you turn in.
Well, thank you.
Let me fix your bed for you.
Look at this.
I specifically told Klinger not to get you a fat pillow.
It's not even a soft, fat pillow.
It's a hard, fat pillow.
How are you supposed to sleep on a hard, fat, pillow? I'll get you another pillow.
- No, the pillow is fine.
- But it's fat.
It's all right.
How about the blankets? Are you gonna be warm enough? Yes, Margaret.
I've spent half of my life sleeping in trenches.
- Yeah.
- I think I can survive with what's here.
[Chuckles.]
So tell me all about your new job.
Well, there's really not a lot to tell.
Keeps me busy.
Yeah, well, we keep pretty busy here too.
So, tell me, what are some of the things that you do? They must be fascinating.
I just don't know where to start.
Besides, I'm a little bit tired, Margaret.
We'll talk tomorrow, okay? Okay.
Sure, Dad.
Good night.
Good night.
Dad, about the O.
R.
Today Please, Margaret, I'd just rather not talk about it.
Well, l-I just wanted to say I'm so sorry.
L-I've just never been so clumsy.
Oh, that.
Well, I'm sure you won't let it happen again.
No.
## [Off.]
[Chattering.]
Hey, Colonel.
Buy you a drink, Colonel? Only if you promise to call me Sherman.
Sherman.
I'm Alvin.
I was hoping we'd have a chance to chew the fat.
Margaret tells me you're an old cavalry man too.
Yeah, I rode for almost two years with the 127 th.
Now, in that first war, the army was really the army.
Yep, we sure put the kibosh on the kaiser.
Now it's just a lot of old newspaper clippings.
Most of these fighting men weren't even born then.
It's funny how much faster the time goes when you begin to slow up.
When I ship out of here my home base is gonna be just plain home.
I'm gonna convert the back room into an office and hang up a shingle that says "Old Doc Potter" on one side and "Gone Fishin"' on the other.
I won't care if they pay me off in chickens.
Well, don't count those chickens too soon.
You figure that retirement is like a full-time R & R but in a little while, you've got nothing to rest up from.
Oh, I don't know, just making it up to my missus for a lot of lost years will be a full-time job.
Be like courtin' all over again.
- Yeah.
- [Door Opens.]
- [Potter Continues, Indistinct.]
- Uh-oh.
Giggles Houlihan is here for the unhappy hour.
Well, the least we can do is buy him a whiskey sour.
- Come on, for Margaret, let's make nice.
- Good evening, Colonels.
Is this a private conversation, or can a couple of captains join in? - Hello, Doctors.
- Pull up a chair, boys.
Alvin and I were just rehashing our salad days.
Good.
We can use some new stories.
Do you men always dress this casual? Well, there's been no formal declaration of war.
Makes no difference.
You're still soldiers.
How 'bout we all have a drink? It's on me.
You fellas don't have a hell of a lot of respect for the army, do you? Oh, let's not talk shop.
I'll have a beer, Colonel.
How about you, Hawk? You're damn lucky to be wearing your country's uniform.
How dare you clowns make a mockery of it.
Why shouldn't we be clowns? We're living in a three-ring circus.
Uh, that's one beer, and what are you having, Pierce? I think I've had just about enough.
Why don't you put away your fife and drum, Colonel? You punks make me sick.
You're a disgrace to the flag.
Damned if I'm gonna stay here and drink with you.
- Hawkeye, wake up! - I'm not asleep.
I'm dead.
- Leave flowers and get out.
- I've got bad news.
You know that educational material we were gonna eat? - You didn't lose it? - No, no, no.
I just got a call.
General Beswick's plenty steamed about his plateful of liver.
He's got M.
P.
S sniffing everywhere.
When they show up here, it'll be his cow and our hides.
Well, we're not giving up without a fight.
- That's our beef.
- We stole it fair and square.
Yeah, I respect your lack of integrity, but what are we gonna do? We'll start the party a little early.
That's all.
That heifer's frozen solid.
We'll never get it thawed before the M.
P.
S get here.
Uh, gentlemen, do my ears deceive me, or have you purloined some sirloin? Not only sirloin, an entire side of beef.
Uh, Hawk, Beej mm-hmm, Max, aren't we the Four Musketeers fighting, wenching, dining? Relax, Pathos, you're in.
Klinger, get that beef over here, and don't let anybody see you.
Coming right up, one side of beef, hold the witnesses.
- What can I do? - For starters, Charles, take off your pajamas.
Pierce, if this is another practical joke, and there is no side of beef - Shh! - Rest assured I'm gonna make hamburger out of both of you.
- Just be quiet.
- Charles, trust me, and keep moving.
- Trust me.
- You! You! How dare you! You Who do you Strutting around here like you Margaret, calm down.
We don't speak gibberish.
Oh, God, I hope you both are satisfied, you louses.
After your little shenanigans last night, my father is packing to leave right now.
- Oh.
Ha, ha.
- We were just trying to be friendly, you know.
- Friendly? - Yes.
He fired the first shot glass.
- Who do you think you're trying to kid? - Margaret I heard the whole story, how you both tried to humiliate him.
What is it with you Houlihans? We try to be civil, and you jump down our throats.
- We were just being polite.
That's all.
- Don't give me that! You both are nothing but a pair of juvenile delinquents.
Come on now, that's not fair.
We were acting like adults.
I mean, for once, why don't you give us the benefit of the doubt? Uh, Klinger, not yet, Klinger.
Back to the post-op.
Klinger, freeze! - What is that? - Uh - What is that? - May I present Private Biff Wellington.
- That's meat.
- Just following doctors' orders.
Adults, huh? Uh, look, you should have seen him when he came in.
He was a vegetable.
Major, do you always take your breakfast for a walk before you don't eat it? This was my father's breakfast, Colonel.
He's too busy packing to eat it.
I thought he wasn't pulling out till tomorrow.
Well, he said that something came up, but I know what really happened.
Do you blame him after what those two idiot doctors did at the Officers Club? Whoa, Margaret, I think you're taking a little shortcut through the facts.
Pierce and Hunnicutt checked their tongues at the door.
- Your father was the one who was spoiling for a fight.
- That's impossible.
Maybe not for a man who's had a few too many.
I don't believe that for a minute.
Now just listen, Margaret.
Would I be telling you this if it wasn't true? Something was gnawing at him long before he chewed out Pierce and Hunnicutt.
- You're right, Colonel.
That something was me.
- You? I've been doing everything wrong since he got here.
First my nurses weren't good enough.
Then I mentioned the divorce.
And then the foul-up in O.
R.
So last night, he went looking for company in the "O" Club because he obviously didn't want mine.
Oh, Margaret, you're being awful tough on yourself.
He's such a wonderful man and I've just been disappointing him my whole life.
[Knocking.]
Howdy, Alvin.
I heard you're pulling out a mite early so I thought I'd stop over and say good-bye.
Good-bye, Colonel.
Nice meeting you.
I never got a chance to tell you how much your daughter means to all of us.
We couldn't run this place without her.
Well, that little girl's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Is that so? Well, you sure got a funny way of showing it.
- I beg your pardon? - Margaret's busted her britches trying to please you, but you don't seem to give a tinker's damn.
Forgive me, Colonel, but what business is this of yours? It's my business, 'cause I care about her.
That girl feels like you've got no use for her.
Listen, Colonel, my daughter knows that I love her.
After all, I came halfway across the world to see her, didn't I? - That should say it all.
- It doesn't say enough when all you can do is find fault.
- What are you talking about? - Well, for starters walking out on her in the middle of O.
R didn't exactly boost her morale.
That had nothing to do with Margaret.
Then what did it have to do with? Was it the doctors' tomfoolery? Was it the blood? Let me tell you something, Alvin.
I've seen tougher birds than you who couldn't take it.
But it shouldn't happen to me.
You mean you'd let Margaret think she's a failure rather than admit you were about to lose your lunch? You'd rather crush her feelings than let on you're human like the rest of us? - Colonel - You're so busy being "Howitzer" Al Houlihan you can't even let your own daughter know you love her? Listen, Colonel.
You raise your family, and I'll raise mine.
Look.
I get the feeling you're not the kind of man who would have acted the way you did the other night unless something's really eating you.
Nowadays, you've got a lot of empty spaces in your life.
You don't have your men and you don't have your woman.
But you do have your daughter.
I'd say right now you're running away from the one person you should be getting close to.
Half an inch.
At this rate, it'll be ready to cook for dinner.
Boy, talk about "whetting" your appetite.
Oh, my, seems like quite a little wait for the showers.
Oh, yeah, yeah, we're saving spots for two other guys.
Soldiering is a dirty business.
Yeah, it's gonna be a while, Father.
Why don't you go back to your tent? Cleanse your soul.
Kidding.
Oh, Dad, I wish you didn't have to go now.
Well, I'm sorry, Margaret.
Plans have all been made and It was nice seeing you.
It was great to see you, Dad.
- You have everything? - Yes.
Your button's loose.
I can fix that.
Let me fix that for you.
- I'll just I'll - No.
Just leave it lay, Margaret.
- Good-bye.
- Good-bye, Dad.
[Engine Starts.]
[Engine Off.]
I may not have said it often enough but I am proud of you.
Oh, well - Hey, listen.
- Thank you, Dad.
I think I can arrange to be in Tokyo sometime next month.
Eh? Would you come see me? - I'd love it.
- Oh, Dad! Oh, you bet I will.
You bet I will.
Good-bye, Margaret.
Good-bye, Dad.
[Engine Starts.]
From now on, Pierce, you do all the shopping.
- [Charles Laughs.]
- Did you get some of these, Margaret? Um, well, yes, I did, actually.
But I think I'm just gonna have a few more.
Father, now you understand why we had to feed you that bull outside the showers.
Who cares? Pass the mushrooms.
Okay.
You people are all in trouble.
General Beswick wants his beef back.
Um - Oh, ho.
- [Mumbling.]
Sergeant, we've been expecting you.
You must be tired - and, uh, and hungry.
- [B.
J.
.]
Oh, hungry.
- [Margaret.]
We've saved a plate for you.
- Oh! Sorry, ma'am.
That's stolen beef.
Now, hold on, sonny.
Before you accuse anyone of cattle rustling you better taste this first.
- Have a bite of"habeas carcass.
" - No, wait.
L-I can't.
Pass him the mushrooms.
- Oh, mushrooms.
- Did you say "mushrooms?" I was right.
This is steak.
Matter of fact, this is the best steak I ever tasted.
Finish it up.
Hey, wait, uh What am I gonna say to General Beswick? Well, after you've digested the evidence you can honestly tell the general he's got absolutely no beef here.