SpongeBob SquarePants s09e04 Episode Script

1 - Are you ready, kids? All: Aye, aye, captain! - I can't hear you.
All: Aye, aye, captain! - ohh who lives in a pineapple under the sea? All: Spongebob squarepants! - absorbent and yellow and porous is he All: Spongebob squarepants! - if nautical nonsense be something you wish All: Spongebob squarepants! - then drop on the deck and flop like a fish All: Spongebob squarepants! - Ready? All: Spongebob squarepants! Spongebob squarepants! Spongebob squarepants! - spongebob squarepants! [laughing.]
[flute tune.]
- [whistling.]
Oh, I've made a mess.
And that means, cleaning time! My eyes! My spray.
Oh, no.
It rolled Beneath the grill.
I can do this.
Nope.
A-ha! Gotcha! [screams.]
An urchin! [scared gulp.]
- Nothing ever happens in this dump.
- Squid - Why did I say that? - Ward.
[phone rings.]
- Krusty krab.
- Help! - [yelling.]
what? - (screams) - What are you screaming about? - Sea urchin! Both: Mr.
Krabs! - What's all the ruckus? - There's an urchin in the kitchen! - What're you talkin' about? The krusty krab is the standard in fast food cleanliness! An urchin wouldn't dare step spine In this establishment.
[screams.]
[sniffs.]
The grill is still on, isn't it? [all scream.]
[all sigh.]
- There it is! I'll get it.
Got it.
- Hold it right there.
Gotcha, you prickly pest! Whoa! Whoa-o! - Squidward, don't let it in the dining room! You're our last line of defense.
- I'm on it.
- This is terrible! You should never put that much ketchup on a krabby patty.
[relieved sighs.]
- [choking.]
- I think I'm going to be sick.
- Whew! That was close.
Thank goodness no one noticed [low.]
the urchin.
All: Urchin? [all scream.]
- [laughs.]
Finally, I have a foolproof plan To steal the krabby patty secret formula.
Krabs will never recognize me wearing These glasses! [all screaming.]
What in the seahorse is going on around here? - Plankton? Oh, that's all we need.
Beat it, you crook! We have enough pests already.
- Pests? What are you talking about? [screams.]
An urchin! I hate those things! [snap.]
This won't do at all.
I can't steal the secret formula With that vermin running around.
I propose a truce, krabs.
I'll help you get rid of that creature, And I promise not to steal the secret formula Until it's gone.
Crook's honor.
- Hmm.
It may take a pest to catch a pest.
It's a deal, but no tricks, Or you'll be the chef's special.
- Don't worry.
[cell phone dialing.]
Karen? - [indistinct phone chatter.]
- No, I don't have it.
Why do you even bother asking? - [indistinct phone chatter.]
- Yeah, look, Send over my killer death robot, would you? - [indistinct phone chatter.]
- no, the other one.
- [indistinct phone chatter.]
- I love you too, snookums.
Help is on its way.
Behold! Your champion! - That piece of junk? - Hold on, you haven't seen it in action yet.
I'll just set it for our quarry.
No.
- [mr.
Krabs' voice.]
money, money, money - Ignore that one.
A-ha! Bingo.
You have your orders, attack! - [raspberries.]
- Oh, no you don't! [growls.]
Mallet, please.
[smash.]
- Okay, maybe the death robot wasn't the best idea.
- You think? Spongebob! - Here, sir.
- That little monster's still in there.
You open the register, I'll catch him in here.
- Aye aye, cap'n.
Here goes nothing.
- [screams.]
Me money! Did I get it? - UhMr.
Krabs? - [screams.]
- [spits.]
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Yes! Oh, my prized spiny succulent.
Thank neptune you're safe.
- [gasps.]
Mr.
Krabs, look.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I'm not sure I like where this is heading.
- Cactus? - Cactus.
- Spoon? - Spoon.
- Plankton? - Plankton.
- Aw, come on! There's got to be a better way.
- Spray can? - Spray can.
[can rattles.]
[spraying.]
- [coughs.]
- Hmm.
I think our darling little decoy still needs something.
- Oh, brother.
- Now, get in there, planktonella, And lure that rotten little heath hazard Out of me livelihood.
- I'm only helping you out so I can get back To robbing you blind.
- Don't worry, plankton.
We're behind you 100%.
- This getup is 100% humiliating.
Here, urchin, urchin, urchin.
Here, you dirty, filth-spreading porcupine.
I'm wearing lipstick here.
Come on, let's go! Huh? What was that? Look sharp, planktonella.
I think we're being watched.
[gasps.]
Uh, hello.
- Psst! Go on, plankton.
Make with the romance.
- Fine.
Uh, eh, hey there, handsome.
You're cute For a parasite.
- [panting.]
- Slow down there, buddy.
Why don't we start with a nice, romantic stroll? Outside, far away from the krusty krab And its secret formula.
Okay, ouch! Hey! What kind of an urchin do you think I am? [screams.]
[panting.]
What could be worse than Being romantically pursued by a rabid sea urchin? A hundred urchins? [lips puckering.]
[screams.]
- Get ready.
Here they come.
- [screams.]
- Holy mother of pearl.
Batten down the hatches! It's a stampede! - Come on, let me out! [lips puckering.]
Mommy! Come on, open up! Help! Get me outta here! - Poor plankton.
- Ah, who cares about plankton? What about me restaurant? - I heard that! - Enough's enough.
It's time to end this madness.
Let's put this freak show on ice.
- Hey, what do you know? That seems to be slowing them down.
Better crank it all the way down just to be on the safe side.
That ought to do it.
- [gasps.]
it's beautiful.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Here goes nothing.
- Hurry, squidward.
We got them! Whoa, got it.
- Phew! - So where do we release them? - I don't care.
As long as it's far away from the krusty krab.
- How's this, mr.
Krabs? - Keep going.
- How about now? - Farther.
[cell phone rings.]
- Is this far enough? - No, farther.
Huh.
Well, that takes care of that particular problem.
[phone rings.]
Krusty krab.
- Is this far enough? [animals hooting.]
- Not far enough.
Keep going.
- [panting.]
Well, I guess this is far enough.
There you go, little fellas.
This will be your new home.
Run! Be free! Uh-oh.
- [screams.]
Spongebob! - [whistling.]
- Hi-yah! Squidward! Sorry, buddy.
Didn't see you.
Are you okay? - [groans.]
What kind of unforeseen yet completely predictable Stupidity have you ruined my day with this time? - Oh.
I'm just practicing my karate chops.
I'm going to have an intense karate session With sandy later.
Sandy says, "you never know what kind of creepy creeper Could be creeping creepily around any creepy corner.
" - Paranoid much? - [screams.]
Sorry, squidward.
I thought you were one of those creepy creepers.
You know, squidward, you really should learn How to protect yourself.
Maybe you'd like to join us? - Well Nope.
I have more important things to do.
- Okey-dokey, squidward.
Stop on by later if you change your mind about the karate.
- I won't.
- [faint wheeze.]
- H-hello? Is somebody there? Um, hello? It's considered rude not to answer.
[nervous chuckle.]
what do you got, Cotton in your earholes? [nervous laughter.]
[gulps.]
I've got to get out of here.
[yelping.]
Spongebob! [knocking furiously.]
[laughter.]
- Oh wait, I-I don't get it.
- Spongebob! Spongebob! Open up! - Squidward? - Hurry, spongebob.
- Squidward, what's wrong? - You were Right.
- I was? About what? - About how danger lurks around every corner.
[screams.]
- Um, squidward? It's just gary.
- [mewing.]
- Hey, I should have named you "scary," Eh, buddy? - [mewing.]
- Spongebob, this is serious.
I was just viciously attacked.
- [gasps.]
no.
- You've got to teach me, spongebob.
Teach me the way.
The way of "tara-ke".
- Uh, don't you mean karate? - Um, sure.
Whatever.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm, yes.
You show potential, young student.
But with the rubbery arms, And the doughiness in this area, We obviously have our work cut out for us.
- Can't we just get on with this, spongebob? - [shushing.]
- [sighs.]
I mean, can't we just get on with this, Oh, great sensei? - Pay close attention, and you will receive The totality of my karate mastery.
Handed down from sensei cheeks herself.
Now watch, Watch and learn.
Wi-yah! - Uh-huh.
What else you got? - That's it.
- That's it? That's the "totality of your karate mastery"? - Well, squidward, I've only been studying A couple of years, but if total karate knowledge Is what you seek-- - Then you should visit sensei cheeks.
- Hey, I was just going to say that! - I know.
[both laugh.]
- oh, boy.
- I don't know, spongebob.
With the rubbery arms and the doughiness In this area, we obviously-- - All right, already.
We've been through this.
Are you going to teach me how to get revenge On my attacker or what? - Whoa-ho-ho.
Karate ain't for revenge.
It's a delicate art that helps you protect yourself.
- Yeah, fine.
- Great, repeat after me.
Hi-yah! - Hi-yah! - Oh, whatever.
Hi-yah.
- I promise to use karate only for protection And not for revenge.
- I promise to use karate only for protection And not for revenge.
Or whatever.
- Okay, then.
Let's get started with a little chopping.
Like so.
Hi-yah! - Whoa.
- A board? I wasn't attacked by a piece of wood.
I was assaulted by a deranged lunatic.
- The only way you'll protect yourself Is if you know the basics.
Now give it a chop.
- [sighs.]
whatever you say, sensei.
- This is a tough one, squidward.
Don't feel bad if you can't do it.
- I'm sure I can break one little twig.
Hi-yah! [crack.]
[splash.]
- Arms up, squidward.
Block! Block! Block! Block! - [grumbles.]
this is stupid.
The only thing this maniac threw at me Were his big, meaty fists.
[grumbles.]
- Block! - Now that's how you do it.
- Dimwit's luck.
[grumbles.]
- come on, squiddy.
Give it the old roundhouse.
- All right.
Hi-yah! [yelping.]
Aah! This isn't working.
My assailant was twice as tall.
And his shoulders were 20 times as broad.
The furrows of his brow were the size of biceps.
- Hmm.
We're going to have to make this more personal For you, squidward, So as to help you bring out your inner dragon.
Spongebob? - Hey, grocery boy! It is me, a big, scary miscreant.
Now hand over that sack of groceries Before things get ugly.
- Groceries? You'll have to pull my groceries From my cold, wet tentacles, bucko.
Take this! Hi-yah! Huh? Think that's going to stop me? You're not getting me without a fight! Hi-yah! [struggling.]
Got you right where I want you.
Vengeance is mine.
- "vengeance"? Squidward tentacles, I told you at the beginning That karate ain't for revenge.
Sorry, squidward.
As of now, I ain't your sensei no more.
- Sandy, wait! [struggles.]
I need you to teach-- Oh, this is pointless.
I'll never be able to protect myself.
I may as well just start handing my groceries to criminals.
"here, please, mr.
Criminal.
Take my unprocessed kale cream.
" - Sandy, wait.
Please, help him.
He just wants to keep his organic blue algae safe.
- He's going to use my teachings for revenge, spongebob.
- Please, sandy, I'll do anything! - Oh, really? Well, squidward, a wise sensei once told me One must first know the movements of every day Before mastering karate.
[button clicking.]
- [grumbles.]
[vacuum hums.]
Whew! All finished.
- Wow! This looks great.
- Psst.
You missed a spot.
- All right, I reckon the yard is good and watered.
- Psst.
You missed a spot.
- [grumbles.]
Whew.
- Atta boy, squiddy.
Be sure to twist that torso.
- Hey, sandy.
I don't remember this being a part of my training.
It wasn't, but today is chore day.
So I figured why not fry two fish in one skillet.
[both laugh.]
- That's it.
I am outta here! This is a no good waste of my time.
[yelps.]
Hey, I'm doing it.
I'm blocking the acorns.
- Yee-haw! I told you all you had to do Was know the movements of every day to master karate.
- [laughs.]
I can't believe I did it! - Yeah! Yeah! Now try this! - Okay, okay.
Hi-yah! - [laughs.]
I did it! Hi-yah! I can protect my groceries now! Hi-yah! [crash.]
I am a karate master.
Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Well, I wouldn't go that far, But you have proven yourself worthy of The belt of basic competence.
- Yeah, yeah.
That's great, thanks.
But I have some business to attend to.
- [laughs.]
What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street Yet again? We'll just see what happens this time.
- Hey, you! - Let me give a taste, a mere morsel Or what's in store.
Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Hi-yah! That one was called "washing sandy's windows".
Stay back or you're going to get it.
I am warning you.
- [wheezing.]
- Okay, buddy.
I warned you.
I like to call this one "taking out sandy's trash".
Hi-yah! - What? Ow! - [laughs.]
How do you like them apples? Waah! - Oh! Ow! - Ha, feel my wrath.
How's your uncle? - Ow! Ow.
- And, as my finishing move, I give you "watering sandy's lawn".
Bee-yah! - [groans.]
Hey, man.
Wh-what was that for? I was just trying to give you back Your groceries you dropped.
- Uh, oh.
- Sandy, I found him.
He's over here.
You forgot your belt, silly.
[gasps.]
- Gosh, what happened to you? - This guy's been karate'd.
- After all I said about never using karate for revenge? - For shame, squidward.
For shame.
- Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all.
Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, squidward.
- Whatever.
I'm still a karate master.
- Wow, really? You are? - Yes, I am.
- Hey, watch your head.
I'd never guess it.
- And what is that supposed to mean? - Oh, uh, nothing.
Just with the rubbery arms, And the doughiness in the midsection-- - Okay, already, I get it.
What, wait a second.
Am I under arrest? - You sure are.
And you have the right to remain silent - [screams.]
- Or not silent.