The Goldbergs s09e04 Episode Script

1 ADULT ADAM: Growing up, I hated sports.
It wasn't just that I was unathletic and uncoordinated, but Yeah, okay, that was most of it.
Why are the halls bustling? Everyone's pumped for Friday's big game against Germantown.
It's the one day the jocks high-five me instead of low-two me.
- What's a low-two? - Ah, nice try! That court document is sealed.
I'm gonna face-paint a football on one cheek and a helmet on the other.
Or more likely, just wear something blue.
Is this about barbaric football? Adam, this is a big deal.
It's the seniors' last game and a memory that they'll share forever.
Good luck having any memories with so many traumatic head injuries! - (BELL RINGS) - CORBETT: Excuse me? There they are, my cognitively awesome bros.
We're too pumped up to even hear your high-pitched voice right now! Germantown's going down! Quaker football for life! Chest bump! ALL: Wha! Uh, hello? Our chests are waiting to be bumped.
Thank you, no.
But I will give you an actor's bow.
And it's happening! Mr.
Goldberg, off the floor.
This is a school, not a street corner.
Break-dance on your own time.
Principal Ball, you're all riled up about this dumb game, too? Hell to the yes! This is the one day of the year we put our Quaker values aside and hope that Germantown's quarterback tears his ACL.
This is been a healthy give and take.
No, no, no, no, no.
I need you to film the game.
Yeah, our AV teacher is going to a wedding in Ann Arbor this weekend, leaving Friday and taking the whole day off.
Sometimes you need a travel day.
Don't take his side.
He's not even a groomsman.
Sports aren't really my thing.
You know, that nice admissions lady from NYU would just hate to hear that one of their wait-listed students passed up a chance to be of service because it wasn't his "thing.
" Since when do you play hardball, Ball? Since we haven't beat Germantown since 1924! And, yeah, back then, the game was called "Who's Got the Peanut?" and women weren't allowed in the stands, but this is our year! Fine, I'll film the thing.
Attaboy! Germantown is going down! Hey, chest bump! Not again! Whoa! I'm twisted up inside But nonetheless, I feel the need to say I don't know the future But the past keeps getting clearer every day ADULT ADAM: It was October 13th, 1980-something.
With Erica engaged and living with Geoff, it was time to clean out her childhood bedroom.
Keep.
Ugh, big toss.
(GASPS) Bup-bup.
Strawberry Shortcake, Erica? For shame.
You've been sniffing her since you were six.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Mmm.
Fruit baby.
Never mind, I'll just put her on my keep pile.
You realize puttineverything from my trash pile into your keep pile makes all this pointless? I got a system, which is not to let my baby flush her precious memories down the toilet.
Mom, it's obvious you're really upset because your most attractive child will never live under your roof again.
Ever.
You'll be back, because I still have the one thing you need most.
- Money? - B.
L.
C.
Bever-Loving-Care.
You may want to try money.
(DOORBELL RINGS) Jane Bales.
(CHUCKLES) I didn't say your name three times while looking in a mirror.
Beverly.
I see you still haven't updated your decor Or face.
Is there something you needed, or do goblins just trick-or-treat year-round? As you know, I have a thriving real estate empire, hence the gold jacket, which exudes opulence and success.
And doesn't at all make you look like a valet from Atlantic City.
(CHUCKLES) I'm not letting you sell my home.
This moldy box of off-brand furniture? Oh, God, no.
I'm the agent for the house next door, and I need you to mow your lawn.
- Our lawn is fine.
- Fine? I keep thinking Shoeless Joe Jackson's going to come out of it and play baseball.
Wait, Arnie Wofsy's moving? To Palm Springs.
Well, Palm Desert.
People say it's the same, but it is not.
So there's an open house? Yes, but steer clear.
I don't want any potential buyers to meet the riffraff they share a fence with.
You get it.
You've seen you.
Ta.
Murray, Wofsy's moving.
What the hell's a Wofsy? You know Arnie Wofsy.
He's lived next door to us for 20 years.
That guy's a putz.
He's got my rake.
Well, you can ask for it back at the open house.
It's the last shot I have to quietly judge the inside before someone moves in.
You mean I gotta get up and walk all the way next door? And put on shoes.
Oh, it just keeps getting worse.
(GRUMBLES) ADULT ADAM: And so, my mom dragged my dad to the open house next door.
Oh, my God.
Can you believe this place? They even have a drawer just for batteries.
They got the AAs, the Ds, and even the square ones.
This brochures says there's a pool, a sauna, and a chef's kitchen Can you imagine what I would do with meats and cheeses in here? I already have.
And they got a TV in the half-bath off the den.
Well, if you like that little fella, you should check out the media room.
Media room? It is a space dedicated to television.
(CHOIR SINGING) Complete with sumptuous leather chairs, a full-size fridge, and stadium seating so that no one can ever block your view.
It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I know.
I had no idea all this was here.
Why weren't we friendly with the Wofsys? Friendly? Who wants to be friendly with their neighbors? Hello, Goldbergs.
Ah, it's the guy from, uh, the thing that I know.
I'm your child's guidance counselor, John Glascott.
(CHUCKLES) You know me.
If you say so.
Are you in the market for a new home? Oh, I wish.
I'm your classic lookie-loo.
I'm currently living above a Bengali restaurant.
The intense spices permeate my bedroom, causing a rare condition called "curry eye.
" Ugh.
Now I know things about you.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - Never have before.
- I want to live here.
- What? - This house is incredible.
The kids are moving out, but if we live here, they'll want to move back in.
That doesn't seem like the right reason, but I do love the media room.
Love is real! (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS) - Murray.
- Wofsy.
Quite a house you have here.
- And? - We want to buy it.
Way under asking and with multiple contingencies.
Thank you for accepting.
Not a chance in hell.
We can negotiate the price.
I would never sell to the likes of you.
What is happening? I'll show you to the lovely, solid mahogany door, which is a real showpiece for the entryway, or in your case, the exit way.
- It's an open house.
- It's a closed house.
Dang it! This is my air-conditioning time.
But why? We haven't spoken to you in years.
Ask your husband.
Come to think of it, it might have been me that took his rake.
You better fix it.
I want this house, Murray.
Oh, my.
I came for the fresh-baked cookies, but I'm leaving with fresh-baked drama.
(LAUGHS) And a cookie.
ADULT ADAM: As my mom's dream was crushed, I was ready to crush my video assignment.
Go, physically gifted people who live in my area! You sure you're going to be able to follow all the action? Uh, I've seen Wildcats with Goldie Hawn, so maybe.
You make everything less fun.
We're gonna go find a seat.
What's wrong with up here? Sorry, babe.
The top row of the bleachers is for weirdos and oddballs.
- And superfans! - No, Barry! You graduated three years ago.
This is the alumni section Former students and honored graduates who've gone on to make something of themselves and like to give back.
Give back? What could you possibly have to offer? My encouraging screams.
And we are seconds away, folks.
ADULT ADAM: I had to admit, that night, there was an energy in the air.
Had I been wrong? Were sports exciting? And here is the kickoff! Germantown Does not return.
ADULT ADAM: Nah.
It was boring as hell.
Here's the snap.
Nope.
Dead ball.
Oh, so slow.
Which led me to get distracted by just about anything.
(LAUGHS) I have to say it, that is a handsome pigeon.
My Spanish teacher's really mowing down that snow cone.
That dude in the opposite stands looks like Carl Weathers.
Scoreboard zoom! Ee-ooh-ee-ooh.
Hot pigeon is back! Strut your stuff, my fetching friend! This is it, folks.
Six ticks left on the clock.
Looks like the Quakers are about to lose another heartbreaker.
There's the snap.
Walls drops back.
And he fumbles! But wait, Corbett, he squirts out of the pile! Whoa, look at the veins - on Principal Ball's head.
- He laterals back to Spink! - He's really getting into it.
- Spink back to Walls, and And there's daylight! There's daylight! He could go all the way! Touchdown! Touchdown! What are we so excited about? Is the band coming back on the field? We won! We won! I'm going down there.
Maybe a lineman will give me a hip pad as a souvenir! Oh, [bleep.]
.
ADULT ADAM: While I missed the biggest play ever, my dad was taking a swing making nice with the neighbor.
Hey, Wofsy.
Here's your rake.
Are we good? This isn't my rake.
This is a small hand rake.
I loaned you a full-size leaf rake.
A rake's a rake.
Every autumn, I love gathering all the fallen leaves.
I build a big pile, and sometimes, I frolic in it.
You took that from me.
Fine.
I'll buy you another rake so you can do your upsetting leaf business.
Oh, it's not just the rake.
Your kids hit a million balls and Frisbees over my fence, and for some reason, three hockey nets.
You could have tossed them back over.
I did, and they hit them back, and then they say, "We're playing fence volleyball.
" That's between you and them.
And what about the avocado tree? I love guacamole, okay? Is that a crime? No, but dangling your youngest child from a ladder to steal your neighbor's tree treasure is.
Screw this! Screw you! I need my special hand-rake back.
Choke on my guac, Goldberg! I can't, Wofsy! 'Cause you ran out! ADULT ADAM: While my dad dropped the ball, I was hoping a test audience wouldn't notice my costly fumble.
could go all the way! Touchdown! Touchdown! What the hell is this? Why are we looking at Principal Ball? Well, Principal Ball's unbridled enthusiasm distracted me from the handsome pigeon I was filming.
You were filming a pigeon? You didn't see this pigeon.
Birds do have a mesmerizing way.
Shut up, Matt Bradley.
Birds are the roaches of the sky.
Is it that bad? Because the school wants to do a post-game pep rally and show the game at lunch tomorrow.
I'd probably just leave the country if I were you.
I mean, they're going to hunt you down wherever you go, but see a little bit of this crazy world first.
You should also change your name.
Maybe Xander Hamlin? Oh, he can't pull off Xander.
Maybe Bernard or a Chester.
I'm not moving out of the country and living a different life as a Chester.
Then there's only one solution.
Come clean and We re-create the play on video.
Yes.
That sounds reasonable to me in this moment.
But we're just four dudes.
Four dudes with the raw skill and physical perfection of a varsity football team.
Plus, with my slick editing, no one will know the difference, probably.
ADULT ADAM: At least that's what I'd hoped, but they knew the difference, and were not afraid to express their opinion.
(CROWD BOOING ANGRILY) Dude, what did you do? A seamless re-creation? That's clearly your brother and his idiot friends! - One of them's wearing jeans! - I'll handle this.
Relax! Sports don't matter! (BOOING ANGRILY) My brother couldn't help me fix my big sports screw-up, so I had to step up to the plate and face the high heat Whatever that means.
This is the worst thing that ever happened to our school since the witch burnings.
You're lucky we don't do that anymore.
Technically, I'd be a warlock.
That's what they call male witches.
Just FYI, if it comes up socially.
When would it come up socially? At a Wiccan cocktail party? Perfect example, but I'm still furious.
What if we just lob a call to Germantown Prep and redo the game? That's your solution? Look, I don't want to overstate this, but you have killed our school spirit forever! I can fix that.
What is spirit anyway if not something dead that comes back to haunt people? But in a good way.
Stop speaking in tongues, warlock.
I'll make a new video of the seniors sharing their joyful William Penn experiences.
Why should I give you another shot? Because, like our football team, you love the story of an underdog coming from behind for a big win.
But if you don't reinvigorate our student spirit, I'm calling NYU and showing them the pigeon video.
The stakes are weirdly high.
ADULT ADAM: With that, I set off to win back my classmates.
Yo, Walls! Senior year! Hit me with your favorite memory.
Eat a hot, wet dog turd, Goldberg.
Which they weren't exactly happy about.
You ruined my life.
I was gonna put that in my hype reel to get into SMU! Here's a senior quote "Every second of every day, "I want to kick you in the head.
" I say this as an educator You [bleep.]
up.
- (CROWD BOOING) - While my peers rejected me, my mom was looking for a little help from her friends.
Okay, Wofsy won't sell to us, so, Ginzy, I need you to put the house in your name and I will pay you back over many, many years at little to no interest.
Beverly, this is book club.
We're talking about Toni Morrison's Beloved.
Well, I would be-love-it if you would just do it.
- Linda, how's your credit? - Bad.
Then I'm tapped out.
Anyone else? Why don't you seduce him with home-cooked meals and baked goods? Or Essie actually seduces him.
Excuse me, now? Come on, you're single and ready to mangle.
Let's fix your hair and makeup and send you over there.
What's wrong with my hair and makeup? Mom, I shouldn't have to say this again, but sending your friends to do adult favors is no way to get a house.
Do you have any better ideas? Ooh, write a letter.
That's what my parents did when they bought their house.
Lou and I wrote a note that was so moving and heartfelt that the nice, old lady wept in my arms.
Of course.
A heartfelt letter.
Oh.
But instead of Geoff's stupid idea, we'll do my thing.
Kids, follow me.
I'm insulted, but along for the ride.
ADULT ADAM: And so my mom took a shot at doing what she does best Emotional manipulation.
Listen, I know you have issues with Murray, but I gotta tell you the real reason we need this house.
- What's that? - We're pregnant.
- The hell? - Mom! They're shy about it, but it's true.
Erica is with child.
I can't feel my body.
Congrats.
How far along are you? Oh, far enough along to know the clock is ticking, and they cannot start a family in that dingy studio apartment with asbestos and raccoons, right, Erica? Uh, poison, woodland creatures, and a baby It could all be true.
I loved having my grandkids close.
Then my son-in-law dragged them away to the desert so he could start a magic club.
Idiot.
With his cards and illusion cabinet.
Well, these two aren't going anywhere.
Or stopping at one.
She's got about, uh, five to seven more to spit out.
She definitely knows my body.
Have you ever heard of a family bed? Well, ours is gonna fit three generations.
Oh, speaking of three, let's talk numbers.
ADULT ADAM: As my mom made headway with Wofsy, I needed a new way to restore school spirit.
- Hot - Hype! Every second of every day, I want to - ADAM: What do we think? - I love it.
Sorry.
I'm talking about my giant Tootsie Roll.
Your video is crap.
Stupid sports ruin everything! It's not sports' fault.
In fact, you actually love sports.
For example, what's this? That's my costume from Jesus Christ Superstar.
I played Unnamed Apostle.
That's your jersey.
- And this is? - My playbill from The Wiz.
The school paper said my performance was "alarmingly insensitive.
" See? That's your program.
And the script is your playbook.
The stage is your playing field, the cast is the team, and the audience is the crowd.
I get it.
Theater is my sport.
Only one problem, football sucks.
To you.
But for a lot of people, it's their best memory of high school.
I mean, what if some jerk took your precious musical away? I wouldn't have that permanent rash from that cat costume, but I see what you're saying.
Thanks.
ADULT ADAM: As I set out with a new plan, my parents went about the business of selling our old house.
You know, usually, during open houses, the homeowner isn't around, and yet, uh-heh, here you are.
- Work around me.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) Okay.
Hi, welcome! Come on in! Thanks.
(LAUGHS) - So much character.
- Mm-hmm.
Banister's a little wonky, though.
You'll definitely want to replace that with maybe something tasteful and not gross, but the house has good bones.
Just terrible skin and teeth and furniture and room flow.
Ugh.
And the carpet.
Oh, yeah.
It's from a crime scene.
Let's pop into the kitchen and see what else we can rip the ass out of.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out that one open house did make a sale To my dad.
Whoo-hoo! Old man Wofsy took the bait.
10% over asking in cash! (GRUNTS) Look out, block! The Goldbergs are upsizing! We're moving! No, we're not.
ADULT ADAM: After messing up and becoming the most hated kid in school, I had one final shot for a legendary comeback.
Okay.
I know none of you want to be here, but there's one senior who just won't quit.
Adam.
So, I know we'll never have video of the amazing thing our football team did that day.
I'm sorry.
I just figured, if I lost one special moment, maybe I could help find a few more.
ADULT ADAM: That night, I didn't know if I'd graduate with everyone hating me, but I figured that with a great song, I could remind everyone that our time together was truly a wonder.
What would you do if I sang out of tune? ADAM: Looking back, I'm amazed at the time we've spent here, that we've gotten to grow up together at William Penn Academy.
What else can I say about our class other than There wasn't another one like it.
Try not to sing out of key Oh, baby, I get by I get by with a little help from my friends All I need is my buddies I get by with a little he from my friends Some of us have been together since first grade, and most haven't changed a bit.
It's funny how, even if we weren't close friends, we were all connected.
That's what makes this place special.
The people, and that's what we'll take away.
William Penn has taught us lots That is, when we paid attention.
We learned that life is about messing up, getting up, growing up.
Yeah, we're all just kids with our whole lives ahead of us, but the William Penn years, they really were the best.
(SCATTERED CLAPPING) (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) ALL: Seniors! Seniors! Seniors! Seniors! Seniors! Whoo! Nice work, Mr.
Goldberg.
You might really have a future in this kind of thing.
ADULT ADAM: Maybe I did.
Murray, I don't get it.
You wanted that house, too.
I did.
Until that mean lady realtor wanted to replace the banister.
So? It is wobbly.
Really? Tear down the banister where little moron Barry got his head stuck? - No, thank you.
- You remember that? Of course I remember that.
I remember everything.
That stain in the carpet that they want to pull out, that's from Adam being an idiot, and that chip in the wall that they want to replace, that's from Erica's stupid head.
Oh, Murray.
No media room is worth losing all of that.
This is our broken-down, busted-up house.
It's perfect.
You're not moving? No.
I thought I could trick you into spending more time with me, but I can't leave these memories.
Mom, we'll go, but no matter what, we'll always come back.
This is our home forever, too.
(CLICKS TONGUE) But I already wrote the check to Wofsy.
Oh, damn it.
Well, I guess you guys will have to live next door.
Yeah, no.
Your little pregnancy performance earlier made living next to you seem not so great.
It was the family bed for me.
Then I think I have another idea.
ADULT ADAM: Turns out you can think about the future and still hold onto the past.
(LAUGHING) Looking back at high school, we were all different people with different interests, but we shared a certain bond, not because of where we'd come from, but because of the years we had spent together.
Because in the end, all that matters is the people.
Sure, they may come and go throughout the course of our lives Oh, howdy, neighbor-slash-landlord.
(CHUCKLES) I hope you like bird-sitting.
but the memories they create are forever.
(BELL DINGS) ADAM: The Wonder Years is the best.
Who doesn't love a kid looking back at his formative years with I'm just gonna say it Wonder? Except I don't buy Kevin and Winnie.
It's like, why is she with him? What? He's a loveable every-boy with timeless and deceptive charm.
Ehh.
He's short and has a weird voice.
Plus, he's got that really annoying best friend.
Paul's the breakout character.
If anyone's annoying, it's the older brother.
Wayne rules.
I like the way he doesn't think anything through.
I'm a fan of the older sister.
Why don't they give her more stories?