The Office (US) s09e04 Episode Script

All right, everybody.
Great season of softball, I'm super proud of you, guys.
And I think you're gonna like this little highlight reel that I've put together.
Dunder Mifflin! Andy Bernard presents Summer Softball, epic fails! Fail.
Fail.
- That's me.
- Fail.
Is this like a blooper reel? A blooper reel? What is this, 2005? Do I look like Bob Saget? Fail! Who's this guy? Meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow, meow, meow Look at him dance.
Fail! Fail.
I deserve that.
Doont-de-doont-de-doont, doont-de-doont-de-doont That was a triple.
Can't take the fail? Get out of the fail video! My pleasure.
Hi, I'm Pete.
Puberty is such a drag, man.
And I'm Clark.
I like to eat toilet paper.
We fail.
I'd like to take a solemn moment to remember Jerry, in the warehouse, who passed away this year.
Well, that's all, folks.
Ski you later, everybody.
Thanks for a great season.
What was that? That was just normal video with you making vulgar noises.
Well, I worked with what I had, Oscar.
Next time, do more fail-ier stuff, okay? What happened to that video I sent you? Oh, that wasn't-- that didn't work.
That was not the right thing.
- Wait, let's see it.
- Play it.
- I think I got it right here.
- No-- Oh! Forgot about this.
That was not a fail.
That was actually a serious accident that could've resulted in severe bodily harm.
- Fail, fail, fail.
- You're all failing right now.
Congratulations on your epic fail of the use of the word fail.
Oh, God.
What's going on? Nothing, nothing is going on.
Keep moving, please.
What's he measuring? Okay, excuse me, I'm the landlord.
This is between me and the management, no one else, please.
It's an EMF hotspot.
Oh, my God! It stands for electromagnetic fields generally caused by a concentration of wiring in one area, especially if poorly insulated.
Dwight? Um, okay, I'm just walking into this.
Am I to understand there's a beehive in the wall? You think I have a machine for measuring beehives? I was just asking a question, Toby.
How are you not murdered every hour? Well, I'm not getting paid to work in a microwave oven.
Okay, listen, everything here is up to code.
Oh, the wires need insulation.
It's a wire, people.
I'm not buying it a fur coat.
- Thank you.
- You got it.
Last week, I finally told Pam about the other job - I took in Philly, the side job.
- Thank you.
And she was so incredibly cool about it.
And now, I just want to do something huge for her.
Like if we were in some biker bar, and she mouthed off to some bikers, and they came lumbering over, and I was like, "wham! Gotta go through me first.
" Andy, could I have a word, please? Um, it won't take a moment.
It's extremely important, and it really has to happen now.
Fine, I will give you one minute-- Oh, please, don't use the hourglass.
You have one minute, and your minute has begun, and no time will be added at the end, even to accommodate this sentence with all of its baroque-dependent clauses and cascading turns of phrase.
I'm trying to adopt a baby.
A baby what? A human? And the agency require character reference from my employer.
Oh.
You won't have to do anything.
I would write the letter myself.
You'd just need to sign it, so-- Okay, and fall right into your plagiarism-entrapment scheme? - I don't think so.
- It's not-- And I happen to notice you're down to about 30 seconds here.
Well, then, if I could just convince you that you-- And those sand grains are tumbling with fury down-- It's not entrapment if I'm writing-- Time's up! Fine.
Sure, I'll read her letter, and if she tells the truth about how evil and unfit to be a mother she is, then, yeah, I'll sign that.
"Statistical correlations exist between EMF radiation and various health hazards, but mainstream studies are inconclusive.
" That means you can't make me do squat.
You better fix this.
I already ditched my uterus, and I ain't losing any more good parts.
You people don't realize what you're asking.
I'd have to rip open the walls.
I'd have to shut this place down for a week.
Week off.
That'd be great.
Hey, if you don't want to teach me PowerPoint, just say so.
I don't want to teach you PowerPoint.
Come on.
Just show me PowerPoint.
- Just do the tutorial.
- You're the tutorial.
No, dude, I'm not.
I'm not the tutorial.
- You could be.
- Mm-mm.
What are you doing? Getting my wife a week off from work.
You popped one kernel.
Awesome, right? So creed is that dude's stepdad? Correct.
Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm just going to say it; I'm nervous.
I have no idea what health problems this is all going to cause.
- He's right.
- What? Come on.
I'm getting older.
I'm losing my hair.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm gonna grow a third arm.
I know what Jim is trying to do.
He's trying to get big, bad Dwight to shell out for a huge repair job, while Lucky Jimbo gets a paid vacation.
Well, sorry, Lucky Jimbo, I can live very happily in a magnetic field.
Most of my childhood heroes got their powers that way.
Side effects of EMF include headaches-- Had them all my life.
Breast pain-- No nobbies, no probbies.
Nice try, Jim.
Oof.
Infertility.
Yeah, right.
Ah, there's my popcorn.
Can you just grab that for me? Keep your snacks on your side, Jim, idiot.
- What the--? - What? Some of these kernels have crowned.
That's impossible 'cause that's a brand-new bag.
Oh, my God.
Andy! I'm going to drive you up to the lake, give you a whole week on the water, just you, me, and the kids.
Oh, can we stop by that pie stand on the way? You mean, "Laverne's Pies, Tires Fixed Also"? Yes.
We will be doing that, and we'll be getting a dozen.
A dozen different pies? 'Cause that means rhubarb.
Why would you say that? I meant four apple, four blueberry, two cherry, one peach, one chocolate.
I thought that was implied.
Yeah, okay, then.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have heard your complaints, and we reached a settlement.
So We will be leaving the office for one whole week.
Nice job.
In my contract, it is stipulated that I provide a temporary work space.
It will arrive in one hour.
What? - What's this? - Oh! - What? - Bring it in.
Roll into the future with work bus.
Say good-bye to wasteful buildings.
These days, a mobile office isn't just for hotshot politicians.
Now anyone can rent a work bus.
If you've got a parking lot, a work space is just a phone call away.
In this age of belt-tightening and less-empowered workers, a work bus is how tomorrow gets things done.
- Shh! - Shh! Shh! $23.
99 a page, yes.
- Six.
Yes.
- Yeah.
Oh, sorry about that.
Oh, my God! Oops.
Sorry.
Lose weight.
I'm trying.
Sorry.
Ah.
The Pennsylvania Department of Public Welfare pre-adoption standard? Oh, of course, you were adopted.
I wish.
No, I made some short lists, I had a couple of sleepovers, but I never managed to get in the end-zone.
I don't know what it was.
Not lovable, maybe? Oh, well.
Listen, I'm really struggling with this form.
But as you know the system, do you think maybe you could-- Absolutely, I know exactly what they want to hear.
I would-- I would love to help.
Oh, thank you so much.
Just don't tell Andy because-- - He hates me.
- And-- - Thinks I'm a monster.
- That-- - Should go back to Loch Ness.
Stretch.
All right.
How many times do you need to take a stroll? I-- my legs cramp up, okay? It's a circulation issue.
Boy, I will hammer-spank your rear.
All right, all right, gang.
Let's just settle down.
You're yelling in her face.
It's a medical thing.
Just-- You good? I'm good.
I-- I'm so sorry for all of this.
It's okay.
You know what they say, a change is as good as a rest.
I-- I need to get to the paper, please.
Sorry.
Oh, God! - Oh, oh, my God! - Okay-- - Oh! - I'll get you a napkin.
Can someone get napkins, please? You know what, it's fine.
It's fine, let me just-- It's fine.
Pam, I'm really sorry.
I just-- I'm-- I'm really sorry about all that.
Really? Smirking? What can I say? I love justice.
You forced me to spend money on needless repairs, and now you're locked in a prison bus, and your woman drips with beverage.
Hey, Dwight, I was trying to do something nice for Pam.
Can you just help me out? Can we maybe take this thing somewhere, or do something to not make this the worst day ever? It's not my responsibility to solve your marriage problems by spending my money on gas.
Andy! Yo! Toonces.
You're the boss.
Don't you think we'd all be a lot more productive if while we were doing work, we looked up and saw the best rural pie stand in Pennsylvania? Ooh, I know I'd be more productive.
- As would I.
- No question.
No! No! This is a work bus.
The wheels are for transporting the work space to and from the work site.
What are you talking about? You're not the boss, Andy is.
Andy? Pies, pies, pies, pies, pies, pies.
All right! The fat people have spoken.
Dwight, get this bus moving.
Next stop, Laverne's Pies, Tires Fixed Also.
Oh, yes! Yeah, Jim! So it looks like this work bus was a pretty good idea after all, huh? Get your foot behind the yellow line.
You got it.
Yeah, Jim! - Stop.
- Come back.
- Too late.
- Mm.
Shabooya roll call, shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call - My name is Pam - Yeah I like to paint - Yeah - You think you're better? - Yeah - Oh, no, you ain't Roll call Shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call, shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call - My name is Kevin - Yeah - That is my name - Yeah - They call me Kevin - Yeah - 'Cause that's my name - Roll call shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call shabooya-ya-ya shabooya roll call Thanks.
Playing a little hooky from work today.
Oh, my God.
Dunder Mifflin road trip 2012! Okay, now a serious one.
Hey, where's Dwight? He should be a part of this.
Has he been acting kind of weird to you lately? If by "lately," you mean for the last 12 years, yeah.
No, I mean, he's sulking.
That's not like him.
He's just mad that we're all having fun.
Then why isn't he scheming or preparing to avenge? He's fine.
He's indestructible.
Always say that a child is placed for adoption, never surrendered.
We're not hostages.
Although I have considered kidnapping one.
Oh, and never say that.
I am so excited thinking about this child you're going to adopt.
I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make you a parentless five-year-old again.
I would snap you up.
Oh.
Next stop, pies.
Next stop, pies! Next stop, pies, next stop, pies! Let's go, driver! Laverne packs up the pie wagon at 5:00, so-- At 5:00? That's only 20 minutes from now.
The pie shop is 13 miles away.
So at 55 miles an hour, that just gives us So, wait, when pies are involved, you can suddenly do math in your head? Hold on, Kevin, how much is 19,154 pies divided by 61 pies? What if it were salads? Well, it's the-- carry the four and the-- it doesn't work.
I'm sorry to spoil Jim's fantastic voyage, everyone, but we're almost out of gas.
Okay, well, I saw a station about a mile back, so chop, chop.
That name brand place? No, forget about it, sorry.
The tanks are so big on this thing, 5¢ a gallon extra? It really adds up.
Are you kidding me? - Dwight, come on.
- Hey.
Honey, I don't think we should push him.
Oh, no, I'm going to push him.
You know why? Because you are getting a pie.
Why? 'Cause you deserve it.
And what is he doing? He's trying to drive us all around the countryside, looking for gas because he knows we won't get there.
Is that what we want? No! Stop ordering me around, Jim! - What do we want? - Pies! When do we want it? - Pies.
- Okay, fine.
You win, Jim.
You win.
We have been battling for a long time, but, you know what, you win.
'Cause you are the winner, you are the alpha male.
There you go.
Alpha male, go buy your wife a pie.
Go buy the whole world a pie.
That's impossible.
- Oh, no! - Dwight! - What are you doing? - Dwight! - What the hell? - Whoa, Dwight.
- Dwight.
- What? Well, now I don't even feel like pie.
Wait.
No, it's back.
Just drive away.
Phyllis, that's not safe.
Guys, we only have At 61 miles an hour, we're just going to barely make it.
Go up and check on him, he's upset.
You know he's doing all this on purpose.
Please, just make sure he's okay.
Hurry it up, for God's sake.
They're going to be out of banana cream.
Banana cream's the first to go.
We'd be lucky to get pumpkin at this point.
What? Dwight? Why are you such a jerk? I'm trying to do something for my wife, and you keep-- - I'm barren, Jim.
What? My trouser hives are void of honey.
I had congress with Angela, and the child that she bore did not issue from my loins.
Thought I would be a father, and instead I am a eunuch, neutered by my own building.
Is this about the popcorn, or the X on the ceiling? Dwight, that was a prank.
You mean you flooded my building with dangerous electromagnetic radiation as a prank? - No.
- That's genius.
That's the best prank you've ever done.
I'll take it.
Andy? Who is it? - Um, is this a good time? - Yeah.
Perfect time, right in the middle of a rooftop crisis.
Fine, yeah, let me read it.
What do we have here? Okay-- You've made this very easy for me.
It's unsignable.
Oh.
What, is there something--? It's inaccurate, dishonest, and, in a word, dong-water.
Oh, well, perhaps I could reword some of it-- Here's the thing.
You asked me to do you a favor, I did it, I read it.
Thank you very much to me for my time.
Good luck with your impossible dream.
All right, then.
Dwight, sometimes it takes couples years to get pregnant.
Really? How long did it take you and Pam to conceive? That doesn't matter.
What position did you use to conceive, regular or lady-on-her-back? You used lady-on-her-back, didn't you, freak? Yuck, gross.
Never mind, Jim.
British women, famously over-emotional, am I right? I don't think that's Nellie.
- What? - Oh.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's all right.
Really, it isn't your fault.
No, no.
It's-- You were so kind, and it isn't anything to do with you.
Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it, we're all kind of like your children.
You know, there's a phrase about that in German, bilden-kinder, used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves, but now, I really understand it.
Well, now you have a bus full of real building-kinder.
- Bilden-kinder.
- Okay.
And they're all dangerously close to not getting pie.
And there's only one guy who can save them.
It's not me.
- I agree.
- Oh! Oh.
Hey, how did it go? - It was pretty good, actually.
- Yeah? We bonded, we got to t-- - Oh! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Dwight, Dwight! - Dwight! That's what happens when you don't get out of the way.
Out of the way! You feel okay now? Oh, better than okay.
And you know what, honey? I'm going to get you that rhubarb pie.
Well, actually, rhubarb - is the one pie that I don't-- - Don't, don't.
Everybody, hang on! Pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie! Oh.
I changed my mind.
- Oh, you signed it? - Yeah.
Not as is, obviously.
Made a couple of changes, added some sentences at the end.
Trust me, it needed it.
But, yeah, whatever.
"She's tough in business, but tender with the people she cares about.
She'll make a wonderful mother to any child who can overlook weird accents.
" - I insult you, Oscar.
- What? I insult you to your face.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Then why don't you do something about it? Kevin, are you trying to get me to hit you in the face with my pie? You don't have the guts.
You stupid, dumb, doo-doo face.
Yes! Oh, my God.
I'm getting so stuffed.
We did it.
You did it.
- My name is Andy - Yeah - I don't do drugs - Yeah - Now, check the style - Yeah - Of flatt and scruggs - Yeah Roll call.
Roll call.
Roll call.
Roll call.
What?