Will and Grace s09e04 Episode Script

1 "Will & Grace" is shot before a live studio audience.
Honey, why are you making me go to work on a Saturday? I should be home, making love to Stan and watching cartoons.
Ah, I love cartoons! You heard what we were talking about? No.
Jack, why do you have to use my shower? Four reasons: one, your water pressure's better.
Two, you've got that hand attachment that gets to all those fun-to-reach areas.
And three through four, I've had two dates this week with a bear who clogged my drain.
Since when are bears your thing? I thought you were into twinks, twunks, and everything else that Dr.
Seuss didn't write about.
- All right, Karen, let's go.
- [SIGHS.]
Grace, you work too much, and you're not dating.
It's Saturday morning.
You should be slinking home with your contacts in a shot glass, scratches on your back, and itches on your front.
I went on a date last week.
Yeah, that was the meeting with the cabinet maker you want to use, and he was blatantly gay.
When I came home, he was sitting on the couch in the pajama party position.
I don't know that one.
Humbled.
Jack? Pajama party position.
Please demonstrate.
Oh, yeah, sure.
No heterosexual man has ever sat this way.
If a sitting position could have a lisp, it would be that one.
Let's go, Kar.
Honey, all I'm saying is that if you don't start dating, it's gonna turn into a fireplace you never use.
Open up the flue and put a big log in there.
Now that the men are off to work, what should us girls get up to? - Well, I read an article - No.
- But you can volunteer - Boo.
To clean historic houses.
You know how people say.
"Why is Will still single?" I'm not one of those people.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hi.
Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I can't give you any money.
I don't support arts and music in schools.
I don't need the competition.
No, no.
I'm looking for Jack McFarland.
I'm Jack McFarland.
You have a son named Elliot, right? Technically, although, like my friend Will and his hair, we had a falling-out years ago.
Why do you ask? I found some of the letters you wrote him, and since I'm in New York with my parents, I wanted to meet you.
I'm sorry.
Who exactly are you? Oh, I'm Elliot's son, Skip.
One more time, dear.
I'm a trifle "deef" in my upstage ear.
I'm your grandson! Can I call you grandpa? Oh, my God, you have to.
[UPBEAT TRUMPET AND PIANO MUSIC.]
Hey, got ahold of Skip's parents at the hotel.
They're on their way, grandpa.
Oh, please! I just found out my youth-obsessed best friend has a grandson.
I am obligated to torture you.
It's in the contract.
I didn't even know he existed.
How could Elliot not tell me this? You haven't spoken to him in years.
Because he moved to Texas, married someone super conservative, and he didn't even invite me to his wedding.
And you got your feelings hurt and cut him out of your life.
I didn't cut anything! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Edward Sissy-hands.
This is your chance to patch things up.
Elliot and his wife are coming over.
Your grandson is in there.
Go talk to him.
How am I supposed to connect with a kid from Texas? I can't fish or hunt or tell a woman what to do with her fetus.
So, Skip.
[CHUCKLES.]
Are you having fun in New York? Yeah! I love it! Would you excuse us just for a second? Don't get too excited.
We can't know for sure.
Really? The pajama party position? Is that not enough evidence to convict misdemeanor over there? Take it easy.
We are not doing an episode of "Law & Order: LGBTQ.
" Don't mind me, boys.
I forgot my Birkin.
Close your mouth, kid.
You're gonna catch a fly.
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, she is fabulous! [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Okay, Google, turn down the lights.
Okay, Google, turn on the lights.
Great.
Mom's home.
Tony, I don't know what's going on here, but Karen always takes things too far, and she is grinding up against me right now, isn't she? She was, but it's more like a dry hump thing with a little bit of spankings.
Stop.
Isn't there something that you would like to say to Tony? Yes.
I'm so sorry that I didn't think of this earlier.
Heads up, Puerto Rico! Have a good time.
Karen! It's okay, Grace.
Every time she does it, I make her send a grand to hurricane relief.
Worth every peso.
Karen, I don't know where to start.
You have got to stop sexually harassing the employees.
It's bad enough that you do it to me.
Well, honey, if you didn't want me to play with him, why'd you buy him for me? Wait a minute.
You bought him for yourself.
Well, good for you, honey.
That is exactly what you need.
I am his boss.
I would never even think that.
Oh, right.
Because your snooch died.
My snooch is not dead.
Then why isn't it breathing? [MELLOW JAZZ PIANO MUSIC.]
For Halloween last year, I went as my favorite singer, Lady Gaga.
Do you guys know who she is? Know who she is? Ha! Excuse me.
I sewed my own meat dress.
Okay? I went as Lady Gaga last Halloween.
And the one before that and the one before that and and sometimes not Halloween.
So, Skip, you didn't mention why you and your parents are here in New York.
I'm going to a camp.
Upstate somewhere.
[GASPS.]
The best theater camps are upstate.
French Woods? Stagedoor? Let me go to my apartment and get some props for you to take with you.
Oh, my God, this is so much fun.
I can't believe - [DOOR THUDS CLOSED.]
- How old is my grandpa? He is in his early 100s.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR.]
- Yeah.
And if you tell him he looks 85, he'll be so flattered.
- Elliot.
- Hey, Will.
Dude, not cool.
Oh, you cannot just run off like that.
Wow, look at you.
You're a you're a real Texan now.
I am.
I drank the Kool-Aid and can no longer separate church and state.
That's my wife, Emma.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.
It's a really cute place you have here.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
It's very artsy.
Emma's never been here before.
You don't say.
Well, you may find it a little strange at first, - but we're all ex - Now [CLEARS THROAT.]
A good wig is all about versatility.
Okay? This one could be Sia or Cruella de Vil, or an indecisive Anna Wintour.
What happened? Did you leave? Elliot.
Jack.
BOTH: Nice costume.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Mom, guess what.
Jack was Lady Gaga for Halloween too.
Oh! Fun.
All right, well, we need to go.
We don't want to be late for the first day of camp.
Yeah, it was really nice meeting all y'all.
Could I say good-bye to Jack and Will? Quick, all right? We'll be down in the lobby.
Jack.
Elliot.
I wish I could stay.
I know.
Me too.
Maybe we should, uh, get Skip to the elevator.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, what's the name of that camp, so I can write you? Camp Straighten Arrow.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
"Straighten Arrow"? Is that a new theater camp? I never heard of it.
No, it's a camp my parents found to fix me.
Fix you? So I can be normal.
Bye.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
Hey, I'm sorry about - what happened this morning.
- No.
No, no, no.
Do not apologize.
I feel terrible and embarrassed and hungry but that's not about you.
[SIGHS.]
I talked to Karen.
Look, it's not all on her, you know? We were just fooling around, and I was singing her favorite song.
You know, "Mercy"? No, I don't.
Baby, please have mercy on me Take it easy on my heart You can sing.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
I like to sing too.
I'm a bit of a singer myself.
- Really? - Yeah.
What do you sing? It's not like I have a song, per se Green finch and linnet bird Nightingale, blackbird How is it you sing Not bad.
Wow.
But maybe try singing it from your diaphragm, though.
- Do you mind if I show you? - Oh.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay.
Now push your voice against it.
Give me an Oh Oh Oh, my God, it feels so good To have a man's hands on my body You don't know that song? It's a song.
You know it.
It's by The Dead Snooches.
I'm gonna go and I'm gonna go and download it for you.
[UPBEAT JAZZ PIANO.]
BOTH: He's got boys being boys In his hand He's got girls being girls In his hand He's got boys-only-marryin'-girls In his hand He's got the whole-natural-order-of-things Where-people-act- like-the-Lord-intended [DEEP BREATH.]
In his hands He's got suits and dresses On the right person He's got boys chasing girls Appropriately, he's got boys So what exactly are we supposed to do? As a sperm donor, the law doesn't recognize you as a relative, just as someone who made a little money doing what he would normally do for free.
Are you suggesting that we make a life-size dummy using pillows and overalls and leave it in Skip's place while we take him away? Oh, my God, it's as if you can read the minds of other idiots.
No, we can't kidnap him.
We need a plan.
Okay, okay, okay.
Um, how about, um Well, go ahead.
Say what you were gonna say.
- I wasn't gonna say anything.
- No, no, go ahead.
I'll say mine afterwards.
- I'll get Skip.
- Skip - I'll send him out here.
- Him out here - You tell him this is a bad place.
- A bad place.
And if he wants to leave, then we'll do - everything we can to help.
- Help him.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right.
That's what I was gonna say.
- Ah.
- Keep going.
- I'll find a way to divert the staff.
- Divert the staff.
And you talk to him.
Talk to him.
Yeah.
Yeah, I was gonna say "distract the staff," but I don't know, I guess yours could work.
Great, and we'll talk about having a good time and not acting on our impure impulses.
It's not your fault [SPEAKING CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY.]
- Jack? - [PEN CLATTERS.]
What are you doing here? What are you doing here, bringing Skip to a place like this? What happened to you, Elliot? What happened to us? You know what happened.
You never approved of me being with someone like Emma.
I'm sorry if we have certain beliefs that you don't.
Because they're terrible beliefs.
Oh, well, that's really open-minded.
It's who we are, Jack.
You can't judge someone for who they are.
Are you honestly saying that here? I have never been 100% clear what irony is, but I'm pretty sure that's it.
Ugh.
We just don't want him to Turn out like me? We're his mom and dad.
Go home, Jack.
Okay, campers! I'm Reggie, and this here is my beautiful wife of ten weeks, Roberta.
No.
No flirting, fellas, okay? - She's taken.
- [BOTH LAUGH.]
Ah, you.
[LAUGHS.]
Okay.
Well, it is time now for what we at Camp Straighten Arrow call reorientation orientation.
- Wordplay! - Reg.
Okay.
So Did you see, guys, what I did just there? That and this that's what we don't want.
- Because that didn't feel good.
- Mm-mm.
- It didn't feel natural.
- Natural.
Nope.
Skip, don't turn around and don't say anything.
Are you here to be fixed too? Your grandpa wants to see you outside.
Now, the important thing is that we're all gonna have fun.
Yeah.
Because BOTH: We pray, we pray We pray the gay away 'Cause boys like girls and girls like boys And that's what God done say Hey Okay.
[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC.]
Honey, don't be so hard on yourself.
It was bound to happen.
- Was it? - Yes, Grace.
Crazy things happen when you ignore you hoo-ha.
It did feel good.
You know, I think I have been denying a vital part of me.
I mean, I am a very sexual woman.
Sure, I don't like to move around when I'm doing it, and once I got caught eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers during But I am a woman in her sexual prime.
Attagirl.
[CHUCKLES.]
I am going to put myself back out there.
My marriage died, but the rest of me didn't.
Did you hear that, Sophia? I talk to mine too.
What's that, Jan? I know.
Sophia's a domina shh.
Back in the old days, they used a shock collar to curb any unnatural tendencies.
Remember those days, Reg? Ugh, I sure do.
They were effective, but really unpleasant.
And besides, look at this thing.
It's like, "Hello!" Aren't chokers over already?" Excuse me.
I have a question.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir, but, um, but but parents aren't allowed in the lodge for another 20 minutes.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, I I'm not a parent.
I'm the director of the new conversion camp across the lake, Camp Kick-a-Mo.
We don't have a lake.
Roberta, let the beautiful man speak.
We at Kick-a-Mo thought it might be fun to have a friendly competition with the other conversion therapy camp in the area.
Well, I think I would have heard if there were It's a competition, Roberta! [LAUGHS FORCIBLY.]
There's no way you're a better conversion camp.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Our success rate is tops in the country.
Plus, all of our counselors are now certified straight people.
You don't seem that certified, what, with your dewy skin and your puffed-up basket.
Oh, I'm certified, all right.
In fact, I could kiss any male counselor in this camp and not feel a thing.
- Well, that is the most ridi - Challenge accepted! Well, uh, round one was a tie, kids, but round two is where I'm really gonna - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING.]
- Oh, God! The point is, this place can't fix you because you're not broken.
I'm confused.
Of course you're confused.
[SIGHS.]
So, let me tell you a story about another young man who was once confused.
A young man who grew up to be a model citizen and today is proud of who and what he is.
People adore this man, not only because of his good looks and dynamic personality, but because of his open, loving heart.
- Will? - No, not Will! Will's a fat lawyer! Why does that guy make an impression on everyone? [SIGHS.]
I'm talking about me.
It was hard for me once, too, but believe me, it gets better.
I don't see how.
Ugh.
Skip You are gonna be invited to so many good dinner parties.
And there's something else.
When you get older, you'll understand that there's the family you were born into and the family that you choose, and the family I chose well, it doesn't get any better than that.
But what do I do now? I don't know.
Your hero, Will, didn't really think this through.
You're just gonna have to be really strong.
It's hard, being me sometimes.
I know, but I'm gonna be there for you as much as I can, and when I'm not, I want you to picture me in your head, looking at you like I am right now, and saying, "You" are exactly who you're supposed to be.
" [UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC.]
Made you some hot chocolate.
With those little marshmallows floating on top? We were out of marshmallows.
Ugh.
This day couldn't get any worse.
[KNOCK AT DOOR.]
Hey.
Could I speak to Jack? I don't think that's a great idea.
It's okay, Will.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[SIGHS.]
I spoke to Skip and he told me what you said.
Then I looked around and I saw the camp for the first time through his eyes.
Made me sick.
I had to get him out of there.
- Thank God.
- [SIGHS.]
And then [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
In the car, on the way back to the city, Emma and I got into a pretty big fight, and she said, "Do you really want Skip to end up like Jack?" And I said, "You mean someone who'd" "drop everything to "help someone he cares for live their truth? Yeah, I do.
" Anyway, um Emma let Skip leave the camp.
So I guess that's a first step.
Jack, I know we haven't been close over the last few years, but you really do mean a lot to me.
You're my dad.
That means so much.
But in public, you're my brother.
So, uh, Skip and I are gonna hang around the city for the next few days.
I was wondering if you wanna take your grandson to his first Broadway show.
Please look away.
I don't think a boy should ever see his father cry.
I mean brother.