8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown (2012) s09e05 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language and adult humour Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown, Jon Richardson, Richard Ayoade, Claudia Winkleman, Rob Beckett, Sean Bean, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! Hello.
Hey! APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats does Countdown, a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Did you know, for example, 100 million is the number of M&Ms consumed every day in America, and looking at Americans, I think that's per person.
Although in Britain, we use a decimal point, in much of Europe, they use a comma.
They are wrong and we are right, full stop.
And 72 is the average number of days women will spend shaving their legs in their lifetime.
I bet they're jealous of men like Jon Richardson, who aren't able to grow hair anywhere on their bodies.
Right, let's get started.
APPLAUSE Let's meet tonight's players.
First up is Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE Jon once performed a gig at a hospital, I presume because they'd run out of anaesthetic.
And Jon's team-mate is Claudia Winkleman! APPLAUSE I'm not saying Claudia looks like a panda, but I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Edinburgh Zoo - for lending her to us - for the evening.
Up against them this evening, it's special guest team captain Richard Ayoade! APPLAUSE Go on.
Richard Ayoade combines a geeky personality with a brilliant sense of humour.
You know, just like Jon Richardson doesn't.
Joining Richard tonight is Rob Beckett.
APPLAUSE Rob was at the front of the queue when they were handing out teeth.
Unfortunately, it was the queue for horses.
Rob's wife gave birth to their first child late last year.
Great news for everyone, apart from the tooth fairy, who's facing bankruptcy.
Richard, do you think you'll make a good team captain? Have you got leadership qualities? I don't know, what are my responsibilities? Do I get a pension? What's the situation? You've got to manage Rob and motivate him.
I've brought some sweets.
Sorry, that's a floss stick.
Drumstick? Or a lollipop.
Do I get it now or do I have to do well? At the end of the quiz.
Depending on the performance.
To be fair, I'm trying to stay away from them because if I don't keep my teeth in good nick, I don't really have any jokes.
Richard, are you a fan of Countdown? You look as if you'd be a fan.
That's very prejudicial.
What does a Countdown fan look like, that gloriously broad demographic? You look like you play this game because you've got glasses on, that tie, and you're not sitting back in your chair, you're too eager to sit down and write.
You're like that.
Just relax your shoulders.
- I am relaxed.
- You're not relaxed! Don't! I am your captain! Who'd have thought that five minutes into this show, I'd be thinking, "You know what, Sean is a real people person".
Rob, obviously, your captain is eloquent and intelligent.
How do you think you'll mix with that? Well, obviously, we are very different.
- I wouldn't say that.
- Yes, I would.
You go in charge of spelling and numbers, and I'll deal with all social interaction.
I think that's probably us batting at No-one told me there would be social interaction, or I would not have come.
This may be the worst team we've ever put together.
Jon, what else are you working on at the moment? Well, I've been working on a few products, actually, aside from comedy, in case that goes tits up.
I've bought the software that works AutoCorrect, and I've managed to turn it into pill form, so you swallow it and it corrects speech before it's even left your mouth.
So it correct things like "could of" to "could have".
I can't be there to correct everyone all the time, that's what I've learned.
My wife, I've sort of chipped away at her and her errors.
She's making good progress.
But she's resistant to change, if I'm honest.
All I knew about women, because I'd never encountered many before, I only knew what I'd seen on adverts.
So sometimes I'd say, "It's a nice, sunny day, "why don't we go to the park and you can eat yoghurt on a bench?" Not really into that.
The rollerblades I got for the days when she's on her special time, they've They've gone untouched.
You know, you live and learn.
Claudia, are you happy being on Jon's team? Yeah, I Yeah.
But I love this.
This is my favourite team.
Oh, don't patronise us.
We're in hell.
We're in hell, Claudia.
I think he's a bit worried.
It's his first time on it and he's a bit panicked because there's people here.
Eventually, we'll get on board together and we'll unite, it'll be great.
If you love me, I'll flourish.
How can I love you without touching you? What if I just talk to you softly in your ear? Come here and I'll say nice things.
I won't touch you.
Just I've not said anything yet.
That was like sonar.
I just knew something was getting close.
(I like your glasses).
Thank you.
So in answer to your question, yeah, I'm really happy.
Jon, have you got a mascot this evening? What have you brought? Yes, I have, Jimmy.
We've done a few of these now.
- We've done a few.
- What happens is, people relax and the rules start getting disobeyed.
And we all know you can't have fun without rules, so I've invited someone along to help keep the rules this evening.
Please welcome former Premier League referee Dermot Gallagher.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE APPLAUSE Dermot will be summoned when I blow my whistle.
Any impingement of the rules, any bad language will be punishable.
Sexual touching.
What about just touching? That will be down to my judgment, and I'm a sexual expert.
Three times now.
And I won all three.
You mean you came first.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So, Dermot is on hand.
- Thank you, Dermot.
- Excellent.
Dermot, everyone.
APPLAUSE - Claudia, have you got a mascot? - I do.
I thought it would be helpful for us to eat, and I like Christmas, so I have got a Christmas cake and decorations.
Er, OK.
And we're going to make a Christmas cake because you can never start too soon.
We've got all of this.
Me and Jon are going to have a lovely time.
- ROB: What's that, fake tan? - No.
Are you eating the icing straight out of the tube? It's going to be excellent.
And then at the end, we'll all eat it.
OK.
Claudia's cake, everyone.
APPLAUSE Richard, have you got a mascot? Yeah.
I've got a few.
So I've got my lucky thesaurus.
I've been through thick and thin with that one.
My lucky calculator.
So those two lucky objects are there.
The last thing is this fellow, Tony - .
.
who I'll just pop there.
- Who is Tony? Tony is a guy I met in the Emirates, and we really connected.
We've lost touch.
Basically, if Tony watches this, even if it's on YouTube, just get in touch.
I thought we had something.
We did have something.
I didn't think it, I know we did.
Rob, have you got a mascot? Yeah, I've got a mascot.
Basically, obviously, I'm not the best at spelling or numbers, and when I was younger, I struggled with my homework a little bit.
And to build my confidence up to do my homework, my mum used to give me squash and biscuits and say nice things to me, so what I've done is I've got some squash and biscuits.
And I've got some of the nice things she used to say to me written on them, and things that I liked growing up, like Flubber.
It was one of my favourite films.
So when I'm struggling with a word, I can just look at that and go, "I liked that film, didn't I?" And other stuff like "It could be worse, you could have no teeth".
"Your dad was not the star of Jaws".
And just little bits and bobs.
"Remember, Rob, some of them are laughing with you".
Anyone want a biscuit or some squash? - Yeah.
- What flavour? - Orange or red? - Red.
The problem is, I'm really struggling with double concentrate.
I can't get the levels right.
I think the trick is just to halve it.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And making his debut in Dictionary Corner this week, a true legend of the silver screen, Sean Bean! APPLAUSE Good evening, bastards.
Actor, father and slayer of dialogue, I've made over 700 films, six of which are good.
I see you've come dressed for the occasion.
I didn't come dressed for anything.
This is what I look like naked.
Are you a fan of word games, Sean? I'm a fan of catapulting virgins and slaughtering my first-born, if that's what you mean.
But you know what to do, you've seen Countdown? I've seen many a countdown before, my friend, to a siege, to a coup, to a sachet of Oat So Simple in my microwave oven.
Have you met Susie? Lady Susie of House Dent and I share a common past.
Many moons ago, I told her she had lips like two bouncy castles that I wished to enter with shoes on.
Have you brought in a mascot, Sean? No, I've not brought in a mascot, Jimmy, because I'm not fucking six.
APPLAUSE OK.
And with Sean, of course, it's Susie Dent! APPLAUSE Susie's written 13 books, presented numerous TV shows and edited the dictionary.
Impressive stuff, but imagine how much more she could have achieved if she hadn't spent quite so much time chasing cock.
Fucking hell! Any new words for 2016 that have caught your eye? Well, if you ever think that lexicographers don't have a sense of humour, which I know you do, Oxford, on April Fools' Day, published a whole lot of words that they said had just gone into the dictionary, and they were brilliant.
One of them was just for you, which is not YOLO but LOYO, Laughing On Your Own.
That's what you do.
APPLAUSE Harsh! There is also "Muk-bang", which is a real word.
That's watching people eat on videos.
That's a verb? It's a verb, yeah.
It's not in yet.
OK.
Will you text me when it is? And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley! APPLAUSE Rachel Riley is a mathematician, TV host and physicist.
Is there anything she can't do? Yes, move her feet in time with a piece of music.
Rachel, Rob has struggled with numbers on the show before.
Any tips for him, anything he could improve? Well, I've been thinking about this.
You've been thinking about me? - Well, tips on maths.
- OK.
Tips to be better at the numbers game, - which are similar to tips to be better at sex.
- Oh! Once you've got your target in sight, you don't want to just dive in and shoot in the dark willy-nilly, because you'll just spend 30 seconds flapping about.
You might think it's a long time, but it's not, anyone will tell you that.
You still need to spend the first few seconds thinking of a plan of action.
- Get a feel for it.
- Plan what you're doing and get a feel for it.
Don't just dive in.
And then basically just get the big one and get as close as you can.
I don't know what we're talking about, but I enjoyed that.
Thank you very much.
The prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the Countdown foot spa! APPLAUSE Richard, we could go to a spa day together.
Would that help us bond? - Do you like a spa? - What would we do in a spa? Just relax, get a massage, sauna.
Do you like being 'ot? - Like warm? - Yeah, 'ot.
Ot? 'Ot, yeah.
Ot? Hot.
'Ot.
Hot.
'Ot.
Ot.
'Ot.
I'm just looking at the teeth.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
- Richard and Rob, you get the first pick of the letters.
- Yes! Two of the Cs, two of the Vs.
G Z E I Vowel.
O OK, consonant.
L Consonant.
Consonant.
D Vowel.
And A.
OK, and for the first time today, here's the Countdown clock.
APPLAUSE That's easier than it looks.
Richard, how many did you get? I got Well, in total, seven, but it was made out of two words.
OK, what's the biggest word? - It's not great, is it, mate? - What do you think the biggest word is? Either a four or three? It's either one of them.
- Rob, what have you got? - I think I've got a six, but it might not be a word.
- OK, Claudia, what have you got? - I've got two sixes.
- Jon? - Well, I got distracted.
What by? HE BLOWS WHISTLE Is that extra time? APPLAUSE I got a seven.
So let's hear your three or four, Richard.
Well, together, I had ZITGOAL.
As in, to head towards a zit.
Is it in there? ZIT's in there.
GOAL is in there.
OK, you probably didn't need to look those ones up.
- Rob, what was your six? - TOILED.
And you don't know whether that's a word.
I don't know what it means, but I've seen it knocking about in letters.
Claudia, your six? DETAIL.
Jon, what was your seven? GLOATED.
- Oh, wow.
- Look how smug he is.
I'm so pleased with you.
Seven points to Jon and Claudia.
APPLAUSE Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Just another seven, GODETIA, which is a flower.
At the end of that, Jon and Claudia are in the lead with seven points! APPLAUSE On to our first numbers round.
Jon and Claudia, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two big, please, and four small.
OK, we've got 5, 9 - Good game so far.
- .
.
3, 7 and 50 and 25.
And the target, 905.
And your time starts now.
So, the target was 905.
- Did you get it, Jon? - 906.
- Did you! - Yeah.
Claudia, amazed by that.
I put them all together in a hotchpotch and came out with 575.
Very close, well done.
- How did you do that? - Richard? - 21? - Yeah.
I just timesed the 7 by the 3.
Rob, how did you do? Well, I took Rachel's advice and tried to have a plan of action.
So I wrote down 905 and was going to work backwards, and it didn't go beyond writing down 905.
So I've got 905, but no working out.
OK.
Jon, how did you get 906? 25 + 50 = 75.
Yeah.
And 7 +5 = 12.
And multiply those.
And then 9 - 3 = 6.
- And you're one away.
- Seven points to you.
- APPLAUSE - Amazing! - Rachel, could it be done? - Yes.
You could have said 25 - 7 = 18.
18 x 50 = 900.
And add the 5.
APPLAUSE Time to go across to Dictionary Corner now.
Sean, how are you feeling? You enjoying yourself? No, I take no enjoyment from this.
What do you do to relax, then? I kill.
I hunt.
I watch documentaries like Clash Of Clans.
I can't tell you how cool it is to have you.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
Oh, yeah? Prove it.
What's your favourite me film? The one set in the past.
- Which one? - The one with the sword.
- Which one? - The one where you're covered in mud.
- Which one? - The one where you disobey an order.
- Which one? - You've got dank hair.
- Which one? - You got betrayed.
- Which one? - You swore vengeance on a priest.
- Which one? - You stared at the horizon until it blinked.
- Which one? - You say, "A plague, sir", and then you spit.
Which one? You belittled a donkey.
Which one? Where you ogle a wench.
- Which one? - Where you eat half a wagon.
Which one? You smile for one second.
Troy.
Yeah.
APPLAUSE A great film.
I play a wily Greek general in it, Odysseus.
Sean Odysseus.
I gave him the first name.
Want to hear my Greek accent? Sure.
You just have.
Sean Bean, everyone! APPLAUSE The scores at the moment - Richard and Rob have no points, Jon and Claudia have 14.
APPLAUSE And here is your teaser.
The words are MEAT RIDE.
The clue is - it's all about the girth.
That's MEAT RIDE - it's all about the girth.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were MEAT RIDE, the clue was - it's all about the girth.
It was, of course, DIAMETER.
OK, Jon and Claudia are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far, but this game is just for Jon and Richard.
So, finally, the battle of the geeks.
Richard, your turn to choose the letters.
Before we go any further, Jimmy, we've got a sort of lead to protect, and I'm slightly anxious, there's been a few glances over and I'm slightly worried that there's going to be some copying going on in this round.
I just want to make sure that there's a line that cannot be crossed, so HE BLOWS THE WHISTLE APPLAUSE Did you put that there to enforce? This is a barrier over which you may not cross.
- .
.
some space? - Yes.
- Because you would have been fine.
I'll be honest, this whole ruse was so I could see the spray close up, cos I think it's a bit late for me to get in the Premier League.
What's this about? I don't understand the reference.
Footballers who somehow cannot be trusted in a marriage, somehow obey a foam.
I don't know what it is.
OK, now, Richard, Jon, it's you two going head-to-head now.
Richard, you've got to pick some letters.
- Oh, consonant, that one.
- Consonant? - They're good.
- N.
- Great.
Another one like that.
- S.
- Oh! Wow.
Um, another one.
They're addictive! D Go on, keep going.
Consonants, they're just fantastic.
B A vowel.
U OK, consonant.
M.
Ooh! OK, two morevowels? O and A.
And would you recommend another vowel, or would you go with a consonant? - I'd go consonant, personally.
- OK, fine.
Sure.
S OK, and your time starts now.
- CLAUDIA: So weird! - Richard, what have you got? I've got a hard four, and a possible five.
Well, what are you going to go for, the hard four or the possible five? I'm going for the possible five.
Jon, how many did you get? - Seven.
- Ohh! Ugh.
- He really enjoyed that seven.
- That was so good! Richard, what's the five? D'BUMS D'BUMS? Yeah, you know like Mrs Brown, D'Movie? - Yeah? - If you see a whole lot of bums I don't know, maybe if you're in a sauna, whatever, "Look at D'BUMS on those.
" Or if you're at a Westlife concert, something like that.
"Look at D'BUMS on them.
" Susie, check it.
D'BUMS.
Check it.
No, D'BUMS are not in, sadly.
DADARS, DACOITS, lots of things, but not D'BUMS.
I don't want to rush anyone on this bit, but it is quite hot in here.
You say this like we've put you in it, Jimmy.
Jon, what's your seven? ABOUNDS Oh! ABOUNDS.
APPLAUSE That's so good.
Right, so, seven points for Jon.
Could they have done any better, though, Susie? There's a six, DUMBOS.
Sequel to Dumbo.
And a seven, DAMSONS.
So seven points to Jon.
Oh! Jesus, that's hot.
OK, at the end of that, Richard and Rob have no points, Jon and Claudia have 21.
Right, now time for Rob and Claudia to go head-to-head.
Claudia, your turn to pick the numbers.
- I've got a sweet.
- Why did you get a sweet? My team captain, we're bonded, aren't we? Richard's given me a sweet.
I said he can have one now and one at the end.
Don't tell me you can't get through that, with your teeth.
All right, one large one and the other ones all even, if you can.
What if the target is odd? We're never going to get it, let's just get the numbers up and get on with it.
2, 4, - 6 - Yes! - Shut up! - Another 6.
8 Are you happy with the 100? - Oh, yes, please.
- Lovely.
Only if the answer is 800! - What is that?! - 162 OK, and your time starts now.
All right, all right, all right.
Oh, behave! Oh, I can't do it! Yes, I did it! I did it! So, the target was 162.
Rob, did you get it? - I got 162.
- OK, well, Claudia, let's see how you did it.
6 x 6 = 36 Yeah.
Take that away from 2 x 100.
2 x 100 Is 200, take away 36.
- 164.
- 164.
Oh! Can I not use the 2 again? You've got an 8 and a 4 left over.
I've got what? 8 and a 4 left over.
Unlucky, Claudia, never mind! OK, fine.
Move on, mate.
8 ? 4 = 2 No, you can't start making it up now! 162! APPLAUSE Rob, how did you do it? Got the 100, and then I got the 6 and the 2, put them together - 162.
APPLAUSE How did he do that?! - I've used all the numbers on the board, got 162 - Have a biscuit.
Ten points for Claudia.
SHE GASPS Never happened to me before! OK, so, Richard and Rob have no points, Jon and Claudia have 31.
Come on! Time to go across now to Dictionary Corner.
Sean Bean, what have you got for us this time? A couple of things, really.
I've brought along some local produce for everybody.
I brought in some, um, some cud.
For everyone to chow down on.
Here you are.
Get that down you.
I had no idea you were this keen on gardening.
I'm not, that's shaved straight off me back.
I'm 90% bracken.
North of the Wall, anyway.
People often say to me, "Sean, what does it feel like to take shit way too seriously? "To believe yourself to be an actual medieval warlord "and to have challenged the entire city of Wigan to a duel?" To that I reply, I cannot feel.
I'm a Yorkshireman.
Me nerves are made of actual steel.
I wasn't born, I was smelted.
But enough about me.
Let's talk about me and my skills as an actor.
I'm widely considered to be one of Britain's muddiest actors.
I've played a man with a sword, a man with a gun and a man with a sword who wished he had a gun.
When Sean Bean talks, people don't just listen, they shit themselves.
Why? Because I'm compelling.
How? Because I speak accompanied by this.
Lady Susie, if you wouldn't mind holding it for me.
Now, take this highly unstable, untested, - unearthed piece of electrical craftsmanship - Yep.
.
.
and aim it right at me face.
And on my command, unleash hell.
Director, I'm going to need a split screen where the bottom half is letters and the top half is a close-up of me looking fit.
That'll do.
Right, watch as I give a performance here that could only really be described as straight to DVD.
Punch it, Dent.
Let's make a word.
Consonant.
B Vowel.
A It's beginning to seep into both of me lungs now.
Consonant.
- S.
- Consonant.
- T.
- Vowel.
A - Consonant.
- R.
- Consonant.
- D.
- Consonant.
I'm beginning to hallucinate! - S.
- Exclamation mark.
Enough of that now.
I feel like I've just sucked off Ivor the Engine.
Sean Bean, everyone! OK, the scores at the moment, Richard and Rob have no points, Jon and Claudia have 31 points.
And here's your teaser.
The words are DIRE NIPS.
The clue is - that's given me an idea.
That's DIRE NIPS - that's given me an idea.
See you after the break.
Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were DIRE NIPS, the clue was - that's given me an idea.
It was of course INSPIRED.
OK, on with the game - Richard and Rob, you get to choose the letters.
Can we havefour Cs, and then, er C Yep V I thought you were specifying letters for a moment then.
- Yeah, four Cs(!) - LAUGHTER Whoa! LAUGHTER OK This is not Roman times! LAUGHTER All the vowels.
All the vowels.
E I LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Shall we have We'll go Cs now, because we've got enough Vs, ain't we? G Can we haveanother C, please.
Another C? N OK, and your time starts now.
Oh! This is so annoying.
Just Ohhh! - The bloody clock keeps going! - LAUGHTER - It's so off-putting.
- You've got 15 seconds left.
I can't concentrate with this clock going.
LAUGHTER You must try.
Why couldn't you do it silently? You can't do an exam like this! - It's really weird.
- MUSIC HITS FINAL FLOURISH And that flourish is not helping.
LAUGHTER I mean, if you can think with "Da-da, da-da" I mean, that should be after the 30 seconds.
- If you found that annoying, how do you think - I - felt? You spoke the whole way through that.
All I did was I wrote it down and then I got upset.
LAUGHTER I'll say what I got now.
What did you get? - I got nothing, Jimmy.
- LAUGHTER Rob? How many? Erm Five.
Five? OK.
Claudia, what have you got? - I've got seven.
- Seven.
OK.
- And Jon.
- Well, if Claudia's got a seven, I'll say four.
No! What have you GOT? Someone had to declare a four there, didn't they? LAUGHTER I mean, Jesus, let's not ignore the thing, it's right there.
LAUGHTER And some of us don't see it that often.
LAUGHTER JIMMY CHORTLES OK, let's hear your four then, Jon.
CEN LAUGHTER I don't go to America very often.
LAUGHTER - Rob, your five? - GIVEN! Claudia, your seven.
VENTING SUSIE: Excellent.
An "excellent" from Susie.
APPLAUSE I put VETING, and then I realised I had two Ns.
Seven points to Claudia.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Sean Bean, Susie - could they have done any better? - We got seven.
VENTING, as well.
- Yeah.
So at the end of that, Jon and Claudia are in the lead with 38 points.
APPLAUSE On to another numbers round - Jon and Claudia, - your turn.
- ROB: Oh, I hate numbers.
Er, six small.
- Whoa.
- Just to prove the power of the small man.
- LAUGHTER - All the little ones? 2, 5, 3, 2, 10 and 1.
RICHARD: 1, 10, 2, 3, 5, 2 LAUGHTER Good luck, everyone.
OK, your time startsnow.
PEN DROPS That's called a Bic drop, y'all.
- A Bic drop? - It's a Bic drop.
- LAUGHTER - Did you get it? - Yes.
LAUGHTER Rob, did you get it? No, I got erm24, I just added 'em all together.
LAUGHTER OK, you're having fun and you're indoors out the way.
- Jon, did you get it? - I don't think it can be done.
- Claudia, did you get it? - No.
Not even close.
- I tried, I got to 7-something.
- They don't think it can be done.
But you think you did it, Richard.
OK.
Take the 10 and square it.
LAUGHTER It's not allowed in Countdown.
Erm Actually can you erm cube it, sorry.
LAUGHTER Cube it.
LAUGHTER OK.
And then I'd like you to square the 5 for me, please LAUGHTER - I like it - And then I'd like you to times that 25 by the 2.
The other 2.
Perfect, haven't used that one.
And then take it away, and you've got your 950.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING OK Oh So Rachel, mind blown? That was amazing, that was proper maths and you haven't used any of the numbers twice.
It's never been done, it's groundbreaking - That's right.
- You're my hero.
It's all of those things.
- Could it actually be done? - No.
LAUGHTER - No way? - No.
It's just BEEN done.
Despite Richard's amazing maths, no-one got any points there.
The scores - Richard and Rob have no points No points.
Hey - Come on! - Rachel.
Come on, mate.
I'm not even on their team, but he just did something wizard.
LAUGHTER You want to square and cube things, get a job in a fuckin' jelly factory, mate.
LAUGHTER That is That may be the weakest may be the weakest comeback there's ever been.
That is the "Get a job in a jelly factory, mate.
" LAUGHTER That's the worst thing that's ever been said.
OK.
The scores at the moment - Richard and Rob have no points - Aw - Jon and Claudia have 38.
APPLAUSE OK, time to go across once more to Dictionary Corner - Sean Bean, what have you got for us? Er How's about I show you how to gut a wild animal using only your bare hands? - LAUGHTER - CLAUDIA: Yeah.
- Of course, yeah.
Yeah, why not? All right, well, I'll need a boar, a wild boar or t'next best thing, so erBeckett, front and centre.
- Let's go.
- LAUGHTER Come on, friend.
- What's happening here, mate? - Right Join me on stage, but er get on all fours for me, and face that way.
LAUGHTER I'm not sure about this, Sean So, er Facing, on fours.
- LAUGHTER - Now er A big beast like this, Jimmy's, going to give you what - 50, 60 pounds of meat LAUGHTER Good meat, too.
LAUGHTER None of that streaky shit.
Now On your back, pig.
LAUGHTER JON: "Pig"(!) .
.
one thing you're going to have to bear in mind is before carving, you're going to want to wash it and drain it first.
And best position for that is erup high, ankles up, that's it.
LAUGHTER Jesus Christ, what a pig.
LAUGHTER Bend at the hip! Bend at the hip! I can't, that's how I go.
LAUGHTER - I can't - You've got no - I've got no bend, mate.
That's all I've got.
- LAUGHTER - Well - Lord Ayoade were I to make an incision on this beast to get the finest cut, where would you recommend I slice first? ROB: The hip, ideally for you I think.
Maybe the head? Maybe the head? That's going to make an awkward position even more awkward.
LAUGHTER I don't like this before, but I'm getting into it! LAUGHTER You just want to get a nice, good cut I can't even get close.
- You are rigid, my friend.
- Slide down.
- Just slide down.
- Slide down? - Come here - Oh, hello! LAUGHTER - APPLAUSE - That's better.
- Oh, you've found a bit of bend now, haven't you(?) - He's got it now.
LAUGHTER No, you're going to have to release me there.
I don't feel that vulnerable any more! LAUGHTER Sean introduce a digit.
LAUGHTER It IS Countdown I mean, it's not a crazy suggestion.
- Yeah.
- APPLAUSE I like you, Beckett ball.
Our conversation, it flows like warm butter off a Spaniard's back.
LAUGHTER You can consider yourselfa fan.
LAUGHTER Sean Bean, everyone.
Sean Bean.
APPLAUSE OK, the scores at the moment - Richard and Rob have still got nothing, Jon and Claudia have 38 points.
APPLAUSE And here is your final teaser.
The words are PAID SLUT, the clue is - they've earned it.
That's PAID SLUT - they've earned it.
See you after the break.
CHEERING APPLAUSE Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.
The words were PAID SLUT, the clue was - they've earned it.
It was, of course, PLAUDITS.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Jon and Claudia, your turn to choose the letters.
- Please.
- All right.
Erm, OK, consonant, please.
- RACHEL: Thanks, Claud.
- And then two vowels.
- M.
- Yes.
- And two vowels.
E and A.
And then consonant, please.
- S.
- Yeah, and more of those.
- More of them? - R.
- Yes! L - And now vowels.
- T.
And then O and E.
Thank you.
OK, your time starts now.
APPLAUSE - Claudia, how many did you get? - Seven.
- Jon, how many? - Erm I'll try an eight, but I think I've made it up.
An eight you may have made up, OK, excellent.
- Rob? - Eight.
Definitely not made up.
- OK.
Richard? - I've got a hard three.
- OK, well, let's hear your three.
- I got TOE.
You got TOE, and really just at the last minute there.
Yeah, I couldn't see a way to lengthen it, either.
I just got SUSIE: You've got the S.
- Yeah.
- Oh! - There was an S.
Claudia, your seven.
Out of those? STORMER.
- STORMER.
- I'm not sure it's a word.
You see, what happens is when I hear the clock I just instantly try and look for more stuff.
That's good, yes.
That's the word I meant.
- The Latin spelling of STORMER.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
OK, so that's not there.
Rob, what's your eight? - You want my eight? - Yeah, I want your eight.
- MALTESER.
MALTESER? As in a guy from A guy from Malta, a little round chocolate - whatever you want.
Susie, would that be in there in any capacity? That's so inspired, but it's not in.
And it would have capital M anyway.
Jon, what is your eight? I don't think this is a thing - MOLERATS.
- MOLERATS? - MOLERATS are a thing! We take the kids to the zoo, and it's a naked molerat and it's in the night-time world.
Susie, is it in our world or just the night-time world? Well, there is such a thing as a mole rat, but it's two words.
- Oh.
- Oh! It's just up your street, Jon, because it's herbivorous and short-legged.
So, the points there go to Richard Ayoade for TOE.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Three points.
Sean Bean, Susie Dent, could they have done any better? Finish them, Susie.
Well, there was a nine there.
Yeah, come on, Susie, finish us off.
I've always wanted somebody to say that to me.
Erm, yeah LAUGHTER There is a nine.
- Susie - Yes? This is the opposite of Rob's legs.
It's ELASTOMER, which is a natural substance that has elastic properties.
Oh, wow, well done, Susie Dent and Sean Bean.
APPLAUSE OK, so, Richard and Rob have three points, Jon and Claudia are just in the lead with 38.
APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers.
It's time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Time startsnow.
BUZZER UNTWISTED Let's have a look.
He's only gone and bloody done it.
So, the final scores are, Richard and Rob have three points, but tonight's winners, with 48 points, Jon and Claudia.
Congratulations, you're now the proud owner of this, the Countdown foot spa.
Jump in.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.