All In The Family s09e05 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played Songs that made the hit parade Guys like us, we had it made Those were the days And you knew where you were then Girls were girls, and men were men Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again Didn't need no welfare state Everybody pulled his weight Gee, our old LaSalle ran great Those were the days - No, no, no.
- Yes.
Please! Edith, I'm telling you for the last time, no.
Stop bugging me about it, will you? I ain't gonna go to that funeral.
I've been to enough funerals to last me a lifetime.
If you can't pay your last respects to poor Aunt Rose at her grave, you should at least go to the visitation and pay your next to the last respects.
Edith, I'm gonna tell you the truth.
I didn't have no respects for the woman at all.
And that visitating, I hated that.
You know that that's worse than the burying? I mean, at least with the burying, you're outside, you know? I mean, you can look away.
I mean, you can look at trees there or maybe a traffic jam or a holdup or something.
But going into one of them "mortuarial" joints, it gives me the creeps.
But you always say that it gives you a lift when you leave.
Hey, did you see this, where this Burmese woman, she claims that she slept with six presidents? One a Mexican, one a French, and four Americans Archie, please, go with me-- No, no.
- The whole family'll be there.
- [SIGHS.]
They'll wonder where you are.
Well, just tell them you couldn't take me off my kidney machine.
who's gonna take care of the kid? Oh, I can get a baby sitter.
No, no.
You know that I hate strangers in our home.
- Oh, Archie-- - Edith, Edith-- Edith! Edith, case closed.
Case closed.
[SIGHS.]
I wish I could tell her how bad I feel.
I should have gone to see her when she was slipping away.
Well, Lord knows you had plenty of chances for that, Edith.
That old ruings been slipping away for the last 30 years.
Oh, I kept meaning to go, but something always came up.
Oh, come on, will you ? Nothing came up, Edith.
Why can't you be honest with yourself? You often said yourself that she was the one relative that you misliked the worst.
Oh, no, no! I just said that she was the one that I didn't like the best.
Jeez, you'd find something to like in Castro's beard.
Poor Aunt Rose.
Ah, don't give me the "poor Aunt Rose," will you? Boy, that woman hated me.
I'll never forget at our wedding, Edith, the way she come up to you.
And right in front of everybody hollered at you, "Edith Banes, you're marrying a very common person.
" Yeah.
Well What you mean "well"? Hey, that cut into me over the years, Edith.
And I'll never forget when she wrote that letter about me to Dear Abey.
Oh, Archie, Rose never wrote that letter.
Oh, come on, Edith.
The woman who wrote the letter was from Ozone Park, right? And she signed herself "Disappointed," right? Well, there's lots of people that's disappointed in Ozone Park.
Yeah, but you remember what the woman said? Said, "Dear Abey, I got a niece that married a bum.
" Now, who else could that be but me? Well, hi! You're all dressed up.
Where are you going? Well, I'm gonna pay a little visit to poor Aunt Rose.
Is she still sick? Oh, no.
Not anymore.
She passed away.
Oh, what do you mean "passed away"? She's didn't have gas.
She died.
Died? That is correct, kiddo.
D-y-e-d.
Died.
You mean d-i-e-d.
D-y-e-d means changing colors.
Well, I bet she done that, too.
Anyway, I'm gonna go see her before her funeral.
I meant to go before she went, but she went before I could go.
And I made all that nice chicken soup for her.
But you and Uncle Archie can have it for dinner.
Poor Aunt Rose can't eat it now.
I bet if you put it on the coffin, she'd make a grab for it.
[CAR HORN.]
Oh, there's the cab.
- Bye-bye! - Bye, Aunt Edith.
Ouch! Take it easy.
The soup's all hot.
All you gotta do is put it on the table.
Bye! Enjoy yourself, Edith.
I'm glad I didn't have to go.
I'm scared of dead people.
Yeah, well, this person in particular was more scary when she was alive.
The only dead person I ever saw was a cat.
Don't tell me about it.
It was lying on a rock with blood all over it.
She tells me anyway.
I hope it wasn't around here.
No, in Central Park.
Oh, Central Park.
Well, then the cat must have got mugged.
What's it like to be dead? How come you're looking at me? Do you see any flies on me? I just wonder what it feels like.
Well it must feel terrible, huh? - Hmm? - Uh-uh.
I mean to say that can't be much fun, huh? Uh-uh.
Uh, like, for instance, you wouldn't have no appetite for chicken soup, would you? - Hmm.
- No.
Which you have now, huh? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Then just be glad you ain't dead, and let's eat.
[ORGAN PLAYING MOURNFULLY.]
Right this way, Mrs.
Bunker.
This is our slumber room.
Where is everybody? Well, you're here and she's there.
Ohh I meant the others.
Am I too early? No, as a matter of fact, you're not.
You're the only one who's been here so far.
Oh Oh.
It's a nice room.
Thank you.
If ever the need should arise, Mrs.
Bunker.
Ohh, thank you.
But my husband and me are already spoken for.
Now, if you want anything while you're here, just ring our hospitality bell.
[TINKLES LOUDLY.]
Shh! Excuse me.
Are you sure that nobody else has been here? Not a soul.
[SIGHS.]
[THUMP.]
Aunt Rose.
I wish you could hear me.
You look like you can hear me.
Aunt Rose I'm sorry that I never came to see you all those years.
But I didn't think you wanted to see me, 'cause you was mad at me for marrying Archie.
Then, years later, when we bumped into each other at Gertz' Department Store on Jamaica Avenue, and I said, "Hello, Aunt Rose.
" And you said, "Are you still married to that bum?" And I said, "Yes, I am.
" And you walked right away from me.
You was wrong about Archie.
He's been a wonderful father and husband.
Oh, husband first, of course.
Too bad you never got married and had children.
You told me at my wedding that when a person marries they gotta give up too much of themselves.
I got back a lot more than I give up.
I guess it's all in the way you look at it.
Hmm, no one can say that you didn't have a chance to marry.
Oh, that man that lived next door to you loved you with all his heart.
What was his name? Don't tell me.
I think-- [GIGGLES.]
Oh oh, Aunt Rose.
I wanna tell you how much it meant to me when I was a little girl to visit your farm in Minneola.
Oh, my.
The summer-- Oh! Rasmussen! That was the name of the man who loved ya.
Rasmussen, uh, Byron.
Yeah, Byron.
Rasmussen.
He kept goats in his living room.
He never talked.
[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING.]
It's a shame the others didn't come.
But we're having a nice visit.
We're getting to know each other.
Getting to know you Getting to know All about you Getting to like you Getting to hope you like me-- [CLEARS THROAT.]
Um Mrs.
Bunker, I just made some coffee.
Please, maybe you'd better have some, huh? Oh, thank you.
Oh, just one.
I know.
Why don't you sit down for a while, huh? Thank you.
Is everything all right? Oh, yeah.
Delicious.
Mrs.
Bunker, would you mind if I take a couple of the chairs outta here? We have a very large bereavement in the Eternal Peace room.
No, go right ahead.
Excuse me.
Standees already over there.
I ain't left yet, Aunt Rose.
I'm just sitting over here where you can't see me.
[SIGHS.]
She was a wonderful woman.
Yeah.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
I thought there'd be a bigger crowd.
The others'll be here soon, I hope.
[SOBS.]
Would you like some coffee? Huh? No, no.
I--I couldn't.
My wife would have come, too, but she was just too grief-stricken.
Oh, that's too bad.
A wonderful woman.
Your wife? No, I mean My wife's wonderful, too.
So is my husband.
You know, I thought there'd be a mob.
So many people loved her.
[SOBS.]
- But you and me are here.
- Yeah.
At least poor Aunt Rose ain't alone.
Aunt Rose? You mean that isn't Agnes Moncrief in there? No.
That's Rose Louise Banes.
Oh Oh! Oh.
I am so sorry.
Me, too.
I guess you want the next room.
Mmm.
I'm sorry.
It was nice meeting you.
Oh, it was very nice to meet you.
I hope we see each other again.
Good-bye.
You'll see.
She looks beautiful.
Excuse me.
Um I think I've got the wrong room.
I'm looking for Moncrief.
Oh, just follow these mourners here.
[SOBBING.]
I'm sorry, Mrs.
Bunker, but I'm gonna need some more of these chairs.
The Eternal Peace room overfloweth.
What a turnout.
I'm sorry you didn't have a bigger send-off, Aunt Rose.
Oh I think it's terrible that you have to go alone, with nobody caring.
It ain't fair.
[SOBS.]
It just ain't fair.
I'll miss you, Aunt Rose.
Good-bye.
Have a nice trip.
Archie! Oh! What are you doing here? Well, it was late so I borrowed Munson's cab, you know.
I figured I'd pick you up.
Oh where's Stephanie? Oh, she's--she's with me.
She fall asleep in the cab, you know, so I locked her in there.
Is she all right? Yeah, she's fine.
You know, like--like-- like we used to do with Arthur the cat, I cracked the window a little bit.
So, uh, where's everybody? You're the last one, huh? Archie I'm the only one.
Oh gee.
Well, Edith, you know-- See what happens, huh? That's why I make it the first rule in life is always be sweet to everybody.
Oh, Archie I hope that when it's my turn, people will come to say good-bye.
Oh, Edith, don't be talking about your turn.
Gee, that's a long way off, you know.
Well, listen, I'll tell you something.
When it is your time, boy, they're gonna be coming from all over.
Way out in the island, over in Jersey, Brooklyn, the kids'll be back from California.
And I'll be there, won't I? Oh, Archie.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Oh, Edith.
Well, well--Let's get outta here, huh? [.]
AllIn The Family was played to a studio audience for live responses.