Archer s09e05 Episode Script

1 - What? - No.
Nothing.
Flies like a dream.
Well, she did before you crashed her into a goddamn street anybody with the sense God gave a goddamn duck could tell was nowhere near wide enough.
- Ugh, ducks.
- Don't start your racist bullshit.
- You know I'm right.
- And I'm in no mood.
In some kind of mood.
Yeah, you want to guess why? - Sterling? - Like in general, or - Bird.
- Sterling! What?! Sorry.
What can I do for you? Well, you can start by watching that tone, mister.
And then, you can tell me why I'm looking at the package you were supposed to fly to Tahiti today.
Oh, did I not do that? Do I need to remind you just who exactly owns that flying crate? So wherever you idiots are, and whatever idiocy you're up to - I - I don't think idiots know how to find a million dollar treasure.
A what?! What'd she say, what treasure? What are you two up to? Sterling? Because you're both company employees using company resources on company time, and so, legally, anything of value, be it monetary or otherwise, that you may happen to make, find, stumble upon, or otherwise obt I, uh, probably shouldn't have said anything, huh? - Yeah, but was that necessary? - No, Crackers, it wasn't.
In fact, it was wildly unnecessary.
Like radish roses, or Pam running her fat mouth.
- I like radish roses.
- Right? - Typical.
- Of what? Of assholes.
Now get out your shitty map and get us to that goddamn idol so I can lie to my mother about finding it, and begin living a life of luxury where she can't find me.
Okay.
God.
And it's not a shitty map.
It'll take us right to the idol.
Just set old Lucy down in Dead Man's Cove.
Seriously? What, did somebody have dibs - on Foreshadowing Lagoon? - Hmm.
It doesn't say.
9x05 - Strange Doings in the Taboo Groves I just want to reiterate that I think it was a pretty bad idea to shoot the radio.
Jesus, talk about foreshadowing.
Yeah, or don't.
In fact, how about you two don't talk about any - What the hell was that? - Maybe howler monkeys? Hopefully howler monkeys? Yeah, except howler monkeys only live in Central and South America.
Not only.
Monkeys live everywhere.
- No, they - Shut up.
One time, I saw a monkey in a bar, in Paris, France, Europe.
- Wha? - Dressed as a teeny tiny waiter.
Well, then I obviously stand corrected.
- Yeah.
Like an idiot.
- I'm sorry? - Hello.
Breakfast? - Oh, do tell.
I will have a crispy golden Belgian waffle, drizzled with melted Belgian chocolate, with a side of Belgian endive.
And I feel like I'd feel a lot better if you were maybe writing this down.
No need, that's just The King Leopold.
Really? That's, like, a dish you have? Oh, sarcasm.
Well, then I'll just have champagne.
- Fresh out.
- Can you check again? Or, I could have the Germans rip up the walls and floors helping you look? - What kind? - Mm most expensive.
Speaking of which, has Sterling mentioned anything to you about coming into some money, or, say treasure? Oh, you mean since the night he defiled my young, supple body, destroyed my marriage, and sentenced me to a life of shame? Or whenever.
And why the hell are you in here?! - Uh, breakfast? - Not in here.
You're 86'd.
But I'm very hungry, and for some verdammt reason, Luigi is not open.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I also overheard you mention something about hidden treasure? - Nope.
- And also, I could not help but notice you have there a map of the island? - Nope.
- And so, naturally, I wonder if you think there is some treasure hidden somewhere on the island.
Like in the book by Robert Louis Stevenson? "Weir of Hermiston?" Wha? Nein, Treasure Island.
I don't know all his goddamn books! - Move! - But what I know is that unless you want Manu to scramble your eggs Yeah, I would love some scrambled Oh, I see.
You mean my testicles.
Schreckliche Stadt zum Frühstück.
Well? Which way, "insert obscure reference to a famous cartographer"? - Ooh, Hendrik Hondius? - Sure.
Pam? - I don't know who that is.
- No.
Which way? Okay, so okay, so, the thing is Give me that.
Oh, my God.
- Is that shit? - What? - Ew! - No, dumbass.
It's barbecue sauce.
- Wha? - Kansas City or Carolina? - What am I, an asshole? - Already established, and so, what was already the world's worst map you somehow made even worse by Wait, where'd you get barbecue? - What? - I haven't had barbecue since we left Spain, where the hell did you get it? - Oh.
Uh - Pam.
- Look, it's not - Oh, my God.
- Did you - Oh, no.
eat a person? - What? No! - Ew! - Then, where'd you get barbecue? - I didn't.
Then why'd you have barbecue sauce? I don't I mean, I've been drinking it.
- What? - Oh, for the As an aperitif.
Happy? - Happy you drink barbecue sauce? - It's basically V8.
It's brown sugar and ketchup.
- Goddamn it, which way, Pam? - That way.
- You're sure? - Positive.
Well, you totally sold that.
I'm gonna miss that dopey confidence once we find this damn idol - What the? - Archer? Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh! - Oh - Archer? - Be careful.
- Thanks, dummy.
- Eh.
- Oh, shit.
It's a big, steep-ass ravine.
Okay, I'm gonna have to rappel down.
Should I come with you? - Yeah.
Or your dumb ass could fly.
- Oh, right.
- Come on, you got it, just hurry up.
- Why, is he hurt? - No, but - Shut up.
- Archer? You okay? - Uh, yeah, currently.
What do you mean, "currently"? Holy shitsnacks! - Yeah.
- Quicksand! Yeah.
And that's still going on.
Which so great.
You can not be serious.
Archer? Is out there looking for the idol? How does he even know where to look? Well, I have no way to know this, but, uh But meanwhile, instead of searching the jungle for the idol, your men are getting drunk every night and shtupping the crazy coconut lady.
They are really mÃndsuchtig.
- "Moonstruck"? - Moonstruck.
- Besotted.
- I know what it means.
But I can't help wonder if Japanese soldiers wouldn't be much more disciplined.
All right.
I get your point.
I will find it.
Now, how about a little frühstück, - my little passion fruit? - Not until you pay me for the idol.
Oh, but that makes our relationship sound so transactional.
It is transactional.
I know, but it hurts to hear it.
No idol, no money, no fruit.
Deine Freizeit.
Ist kaputt! Erste Sache, nicht mehr mit deiser verrückten Kokosnussfrau shtuppen! Was willst Du? Uh, we were wondering if, perhaps, as a group, we could speak English? - Yeah, English.
- Warum? Well, as you call her, this "crazy coconut lady," does not speak German, so we would like to practice English.
- Yeah.
- Why not? Why, do you think this woman would ever marry one of you dummkopfen? - I mean - Fine.
English, then.
We march today into the jungle, where we will search for and find, something vital to the future of our great fatherland.
But the jungle is very dangerous, full of lizards and snakes and cannibals and what else, Gott weiß? - Can we shoot the lizards and snakes? - Yes, of course.
- Can we shoot the cannibals? - You can shoot anything you want! Now are there any other questions? That are not about shooting things? Then, let's go.
The American pilots may have a head start on us.
They also may be smarter than they look.
Because get the hell off me, bird! But I'm hugging you, with my talons.
- Why? - 'Cause I'm here for you.
Well, "be here" somewhere else.
Yeesh.
With friends like you.
Case in point, what'd you mean when you said you were gonna miss me once we found the idol? I can we talk about this later? No.
Why'd you say you'd miss me? I look, you're gonna miss me if I drown in this goddamn quicksand.
Yeah, try not to thrash around, it makes you sink faster.
- How would you know? - Cowboy movies.
Can you please just get me out of here? And how's this even supposed to work? Oh, my God, Elisha Otis, you throw the rope over that branch up there.
I catch the rope, I hold onto the rope.
You hold on to your end of the rope, and then you pull me to safety.
But wait, I mean, I can't pull you out - if you weigh more than I do.
- Excuse me? I mean, that's like science-physics.
- You think I weigh more than you.
- Uh, yeah.
- You're a man.
- Crackers? - Nope.
- Bird? Wait, what? You think I weigh more than him? I mean No, not in a Come on, you're big-boned.
And easily six five.
Now can you please use those big-ass bones to get me out of this bullshit? Okay, smart guys, I'll bet you.
- 50 bucks says Archer's heavier.
- Make it a hundred.
- You're on.
- Well, but there's his actual weight, plus you also have to overcome the suction power of the quicksand, and I don't know if that's expressed in foot-pounds, or newton metres, or I don't care if it's in ergs.
- It's not.
- She still weighs more than me.
- Then, let's make it 200.
- Bring it.
The real problem here, though, isn't which one of you weighs more, it's your combined weights in relation to the - Whoa! - Oh, no, no, no.
Ow! Oh! Ooh! W-Whoa.
Yeah, I was gonna say the branch.
I mean, first Pam mentions treasure and then that sneaky little kraut gets all flustered, like he's heard of the treasure? What if there's actually treasure on the island? Think it is a good story.
I mean, it is no "Weir of Hermiston," but - Oh, shut up.
What about him? - He's not read it.
No.
Ask him about the treasure.
Like if there's a native legend or something.
- He says yes.
- Where? Ask him where.
Où, Doudou, où? He says somewhere in this area here, close to La Crique De l'Homme Mort.
It means Dead Man's Cove.
"Dead Man's Cove"? What, did somebody already have dibs on Harbinger Harbor? - He say he don't know.
- Because why'd you say you'd miss me once we found the goddamn idol? - Oh, my God.
- Well? I wait.
Crackers.
If I can tie the rope around this heavy branch, can you fly it up into the notch of that tree and kind of wedge it in there? I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train? "I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?" Hey, but what I could do is use the radio in the plane to wait for it - You know - I could fly back to town and get help.
- I'm sure your mother would - No.
All Mother cares about is getting her Manu-hooks into whatever money the idol's worth thanks to Pam, so no.
- Nobody's going anywhere.
- Certainly not you two.
Will you shut up and let me think? - Why'd you say you'd miss me if you - Goddamn it! Because! Pam! I'm currently up to my ears in quicksand! And before that, I flew here in a plane made out of literal garbage, and before that, my eyeball got shot out in Spain, and before that, I went bust on those goddamn chinchilladas.
And the common denominator in every bad thing that's ever happened to me is you! And you know why?! Because the only two kinds of luck you have are bad and none because you are a jinx! And that idol is my ticket out of Loserville, population you! - Goddamn, dude.
- Shut up, bird! And as for you Hey.
Hey, come on.
Knock it off.
I-I-I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
I-I just meant Ow! What the? So great.
Ow.
What the hell are you doing over there? - Waiting for your pitch? - I'm doing the best I can.
Which I'm sure isn't good enough for you because apparently, it never is, but don't worry.
If we get out of here alive you and me are quitsies.
Well, that suits me just fine.
- Ow! - Well, it's been not so nice knowing you.
Guys, come on, you're talking crazy.
Well, why should I stick around somebody - who doesn't appreciate me? - No, about getting out of here alive.
Uh, I've been in tougher scrapes than ow! He's right.
We can't do this forever.
That is very strange.
It sounds like howler monkeys, but they are not indigenous to the Pacific.
Yes, damn it, you can shoot the monkeys! Then what? What was your question? Sorry.
I was just going to ask if we can shoot the monkeys.
- What?! - He just said that.
Ah, I know, but I was going to ask it before he said that and then he asked me what my question was and Any other questions? Well, then what would you suggest? - That I fly back to town for help.
- No! - What? - What do you mean, "no"? You go back for help, Mother's gonna find out, get her nosy beak all up in it and the next thing you know, she tricks us out of our million dollar treasure.
- What? - Wait.
So, you'd rather just die? Than to see her spending my fortune on boy toys and artisanal gin? Ow! - Oh, my God.
- Well? - I'm going for help.
- No! - Yes! - No! - Yep.
Yep, yep, yep.
- Goddamn it, Crackers.
And you get the bird, by the way.
- Who says I want him? - I can still hear you.
- Shut up, bird! - Eh.
- Excuse me? - I said I'm going with you to look for hidden treasure or whatever.
- Have you lost your mind? - I think maybe I have, yeah, because if you leave me here, I am gonna burn down your goddamn hotel! - You can't! Arrest her.
- Oh, no.
Never again.
I say bring her along.
With any luck, she will be torn apart and eaten by wild animals.
Mm-mmm! - Aw, shit.
- Oh, for way to go, idiot.
How is that my fault? Ow.
How is everything your fault? Ow! - Exactly.
- Wait, what? You're the one who's always shooting off his - Hey, wait.
Where's your gun? - Why? You need something that's full of goddamn quicksand? You can at least show it to them.
What good would that possibly do? I don't know.
It might scare them off.
They don't know what a gun is.
Ow! You don't know that.
For all you know, they broke out of some top secret lab.
They might be super intelligent.
- Do they look super intelligent? - Oh.
Who among us ow! Come on.
Show them the heater.
But only because this is the last time I do one of your stupid ideas.
There.
Happy? What the? Holy shit.
- They're running away.
- See? It wasn't because of the gun.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe they were just as sick of your bullshit as I am.
They sound very excited, no? Must be with the crazy coconut lady.
Doudou! Idiot, regards la route! Oh, my God, and if you see any oysters, we have to stop.
I am starving.
Wh where the hell would we see oysters?! Wherever.
- Oh, whatever.
- Then tell me.
Tell me one time us being partners got us out of a bad situation instead of deeper in it.
Oh, great.
Maybe you could float us out.
I'm sorry.
It just hurts to hear your best friend in the whole world say it's just been a big fat waste of time and he'd be better off if he never even met you, even after you gave him the best years of your life and you got nothing nothing to show for it except for half an old magical bird! - Magical? - Well, how else can you explain it? - That's not normal bird behavior.
- He's a parrot.
- Still, though.
- Well, but, come on, the best years of your life? I mean, it's not like we were a couple.
No.
I was never a couple with anybody because I put everything into us and I have nothing, Archer! Nothing! Well, Jesus Christ, what am I supposed to do, Pam? - Ask you to marry me? - Wait, what? What? - Are you? - Oh, no, no, no.
- No, I - Oh-ho! I get it! You'd have to be some kind of giant flapping asshole to ask that big dumb Pam Poovey to marry you! No, come on.
You're a great gal.
You're smart.
You're funny.
Any guy would be lucky to have you.
- You didn't say pretty.
- In your own way you are, if you'd ever put on some makeup or a dress.
And I mean, I assume you've got a pretty colossal set of tits under there.
They are.
They are goddamn colossal.
And we are best friends.
You're actually the only person I don't hate to be around.
I guess we do kind of make a pretty great team.
Wait.
What are you what are you saying? I-I mean I-I don't know.
If-if I did ask you to marry me someday, wh-wh-what would you say? Okay.
Oh, my God.
- You goddamn idiot.
- Okay.
I can't believe I got you to say that.
That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life.
- I mean, that idea sucks.
- Okay! That idea would suck a dick just to cut in line - to suck a bigger dick.
- Okay, Pam.
Oh, man.
Thank you.
I needed that.
Yeah, well, you know what I need? Oh, my God, it's up to my mouth.
W-Wait.
Why isn't it up to your mouth? - What? - The quicksand.
- Why aren't you sinking? - I can touch.
- What?! - My feet are touching the bottom.
Then why didn't you just walk out?! Well, I was going to, then you started blubbering about how you wanted to get married and shit and Get your big ass out of this goddamn quicksand - and then get my ass out! - Okay, geez.
- Lighten up already.
- Hurry up! You can't go through life pissed off all the damn time.
It'll give you ball cancer.
I had an uncle once, Norm, always pissed off and Whoops! - And? - Um What happened to Norm? Let me guess.
Did you annoy him to death?