Dad's Army (1968) s09e05 Episode Script

Who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk we're on the run? We are the boys who wIll stop your lIttle game We are the boys who wIll make you thInk agaIn 'Cause who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? Mr Brown goes off to town on the 8.
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2 1 But he comes home each evenIng and he's ready wIth hIs gun So who do you thInk you are kIddIng, Mr HItler If you thInk old England's done? (MEN CHATTERING) Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Keep it down.
Right, settle down.
Pay attention.
First of all, I want to apologise for the fact that we're all packed in here like sardines, but it's Warden Hodges night for the use of the hall, and I'm afraid I can't do anything about it.
Now, what I'm going to show you is very highly secret.
-Uncover the board, Wilson.
-Right, sir.
Just a minute.
One moment.
Clear off.
Get out of it.
-Right.
-Sir.
Oh, yes.
That's awfully good, sir.
It's quite surprising.
All right.
Thank you, Wilson.
Now, can anybody tell me what this represents? Are you going to write a song, sir? That's a good idea.
A song.
A platoon song.
We had one in the Sudan you know.
Yes, all right, thank you, Jones.
# Old Lord Kitchener, he may look very odd In spite of what the people say I don't think he's a That's all right, that's enough.
Sorry, sir, got a bit carried away, sir.
Now, this is it, men.
A highly secret invasion-warning device has been set up along the coast, not very far from here.
Its purpose is to detect enemy boats and landing craft long before they reach the shore, so as to give us the vital time needed to prepare our defences.
Now all this information goes to GHQ along these wires, which are patrolled day and night by regular troops.
Now, next weekend, we are taking over the two-mile stretch which is in our area for 24 hours.
Now, I needn't stress the responsibility that this task entails.
Any damage to those wires could affect the entire course of the war.
VICAR: Um Sorry to bother you, Captain Mainwaring.
I just want to finalise arrangements for the church parade on Sunday.
Well, I'm afraid it's going to have to be cancelled, Vicar.
We shall be out on secret duties.
(SCOFFING) They're only guarding some silly old telephone wires.
That's classified information.
How did you get hold of it? See this white hat, mate? Chief ARP Warden, that's how I know.
Believe me, Vicar, we're very upset that we can't come to church.
Well, I'll come out to you.
We'll have a simple service in the open air.
-Oh.
-But we haven't got any transport, Your Reverence.
-Oh, dear.
I forgot that.
-Ah, what a pity.
I'll run you out there, Vicar.
Why don't you mind your own business? Here we are, here we are agaIn There's Pat and Mac and Tommy and Jack and Joe When there's trouble brewIng When there's somethIng doIng #Are we downhearted? NoI Let them all comeI Go on, up you get there.
Chop, chop.
Come on.
All aboard.
There you go.
All the men are aboard, sir.
We're ready to move off.
Thank you, Sergeant.
Where the hell's that relief force got to? They're late.
Oh, Lord.
The road's up.
We'll have to take a diversion.
Don't be absurd, Wilson.
Look at the map.
Now we've stopped, Captain Mainwaring, do you fancy a cup of tea? Oh, thanks very much, Sponge.
Well, according to the map our destination's about a mile straight up the road.
As we can't get through, we'll have to take the diversion.
That'll take us miles out of our way.
We're already late as it is.
Pike.
-Yes, Mr Mainwaring? -Take that sign down.
We're going through.
-All right.
-Do you think that's wise? Believe me, I know the British workman.
All that stuff's been put up just to spin the job out.
-The road's as sound as a bell.
-But what about the pipes? If we drive over them fast enough, we won't feel it.
The trouble with you is you haven't got a scientific mind.
Do you mind if I get out and walk? Please yourself.
Ready, Mr Mainwaring.
Well done, Pike.
-Tea, Captain.
-Ah, thank you, Sponge.
Right, Jones, back up and drive like hell.
Very good, sir.
Back up, drive like hell.
What has happened to that relief force? They're 1 0 minutes late.
What's that dirty old butcher's van doing, sir? I've no idea.
Tell them to move on.
Oi, you, get off out of it! We're waiting for the relief force.
We are the relief force.
Very good, sir.
-Here are your orders.
-Oh, thank you.
Now, Captain, I can't stress too highly how important those telephone lines are.
-They must be guarded with your life, understand? -Yes, sir.
Oh, by the way, why were you late? Oh, well, we had a bit of trouble with the van.
Oh, you had to get out and push, did you? Well, it's certainly made you sweat.
Carry on.
Nice young chap.
Jumped up little upstart.
-Right, men.
Put your kit in the command post.
-Sir.
-What's that dreadful smell? -Hmm? Probably coming from that pile of rotting straw.
Why has it been left there? Getting ready for muck spreading, I suppose.
Still, it's a nice healthy smell.
Right, stand by for orders.
Right, you heard what the officer said.
Stand by for orders, platoon.
At the double.
Come along now, at the double.
Right, sir.
Platoon's now standing by at the double for orders, sir.
Frazer, you will be in charge of cooking.
Ah, there's just one thing, sir.
The porridge for tomorrow's breakfast will have to be put on soon so that it can simmer all night.
Very well, put it on then.
Well, if you're wanting some trout for supper, sir, -I don't think I can put it on.
-I don't quite follow.
You see, sir, there's a well-stocked trout stream just half a mile from here.
That's why I brought my rod.
But that'll be poaching.
You can't allow that.
Oh, no.
Fish are all right.
It's only poaching if it's beasts and birds.
-There you are, you see? -Well, this is absurd.
Look, Frazer knows what he's talking about.
He's a countryman, born and bred.
Not a townie like you.
Well, all I know is that my cousin had a gamekeeper once, and he used to tell me Look, I'm not interested in any of that rubbish.
There's a war on.
We're troops on active service and we're entitled to live off the land.
-Well, we've got some corned beef.
-I don't like corned beef.
-Carry on, Frazer.
-Sir.
-Pike.
-Sir.
-You cook the porridge.
-Oh, right, yes.
Just take note, son.
We don't want any watery porridge.
So, it's one jug of water to one mug of porridge for every person.
-Have you got that? -One jug, one mug.
Yeah.
Clever boy.
Right, now, arrangements for sleeping.
Now, what we do is PIKE: Hang on.
Wait a minute.
No.
Control yourselves.
You rabble.
All right, now, all right, now.
Stand back.
Stand back, for heaven's sake.
What are you doing? What are you playing at? Look, I'll take the top bunk, and Captain Mainwaring will take the bottom bunk.
Just a minute, just a minute.
You're taking rather a lot on yourself, aren't you? Who gave you permission to decide who'll sleep where? Now, look, this is a democratic unit and we will make our decisions in a democratic manner.
-Right? -Right.
That means I take the top bunk and you take the bottom one.
Deep In the nIght -How's the porridge going, Pikey? -Oh, simmering along nicely.
-Bit thick though.
-Yes.
-Well, we don't want runny porridge, do we? -No.
It's good stuff porridge, isn't it? Yes.
I remember once when we was in the Sudan we'd been marching through the desert for days and days and we was all exhausted.
When suddenly, a Scottish soldier fell down on the ground.
And we all halted, and General Kitchener come riding up on his horse, ''What's going on?'' he says.
Mr Jones, why is it whenever you tell a story about General Kitchener you put your hand on your hip? That's the way he used to stand, all haughty.
What? -Like that? -Like that.
Why? Well, I don't want to go into all that now, Pikey.
Now, where was I? You made me loose me thread.
-Oh, Scottish soldier, lying on the ground.
-Oh, yes.
So, he was lying on the ground, and he looked at me and he says, (SCOTTISH ACCENT) ''Och, aye! Och, aye!'' He ejaculated.
''I cannae go on.
I cannae go on.
'' That's Scottish for ''I can't go on.
'' -''Stuff and nonsense,'' says General Kitchener -You're doing it again Oh, stop it.
''Stuff and nonsense,'' he says.
''You want to take more attention to your national hero, Robert the Bruce.
''When he was lying in a cave he was going to give in ''when he saw a spider trying to climb to the ceiling.
''Fifty times that spider tried, and eventually he succeeded.
''And Robert the Bruce was determined to succeed like that spider.
'' Suddenly the Scotsman jumped up.
''Yaroo! Yaroo!'' And he started to jump up and down.
''That's better,'' said General Kitchener.
''That story has lifted your morale.
'' But it wasn't that what lifted his morale.
You see, a scorpion had climbed up his kilt.
What's that got to do with porridge? I don't know.
(SNORING) Just think, Mr Jones all those telephone wires carrying all those secret messages.
Yes, all them secret messages.
Hello? ComIng to the pIctures wIth me tomorrow nIght, Doreen? No, I'm not.
You're all hands.
Ah, come on, be a sport.
Well, all rIght then, If you promIse to behave yourself.
-Great, where wIll we go? The Regal or the Odeon? -I don't know.
Just think of it, Pikey.
Going along them lines, at this very moment, there are messages and decisions being made which could alter the whole course of the war.
Yes.
Come on, Doreen, make up your mInd.
-Oh, I'm not fussy, you decIde.
-RIght, then.
The Regal.
It's darker.
Dream lover, fold your arms around me (EXPLOSIONS) (AIR RAID SIREN) Here they come again.
-Pikey, go and wake Mr Mainwaring.
-Right.
Here, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Don't shout, it might give him a start.
-Wake him quietly.
-Quietly, yes.
All right.
(SNORING) Mr Mainwaring.
Mr Mainwaring.
There's an air raid.
You've shrunk.
-(SHOUTING) Mr Mainwaring! -Yes, yes.
There's an air raid on.
Oh, get me out.
-Get What -Hang on.
Hang on.
Get me out of here, will you? Nothing like a good breakfast to start the day.
Right.
Porridge is a bit thick.
I thought the boy done very well, considering he's never made porridge before.
Mr Mainwaring? Don't speak to an officer with your mouth full.
What do you want me to do with all the porridge that's left over? What are you talking about, Pike? Come and have a look.
Why on earth did you make all that much porridge for? There's enough there for 1 00 men.
Well, I only did what Mr Frazer said.
One jug of oats to one mug of water.
I said, one mug of oats to one jug of water.
You stupid boy.
Look, sir, the vicar's coming.
What? Oh, Lord, I'd forgotten all about that.
Right, let's get it over as quickly as we can.
Jones, assemble the men for a service.
For a service.
Gather round.
At the double.
-You take these, will you, Mr Yeatman? -Yes, Your Reverence.
I'll help you out, Vicar.
-Morning, Vicar.
-Oh, good morning, Mr Mainwaring.
-It's looking a bit better now, isn't it? -Yes.
Hand the prayer books out, will you, Mr Yeatman? -Yes, Your Reverence.
-Well, I'll go and have a smoke, Vicar.
I'll come back when you're finished.
Don't you feel the need of some spiritual uplift, Mr Hodges? You mind your own business, Napoleon.
Please stay, Mr Hodges, for my sake.
Come join the flock.
Thank you.
Brethren, we are gathered together in the true spirit of comradeship and brotherhood.
Let us give thought to those things above that control our destiny.
Let us raise our faces to heaven and give thanks.
Good Lord.
Yes, indeed, Captain Mainwaring.
Heavens above.
I'll do the praying, Mr Yeatman.
There's a bomb in the wire.
Don't panic! A bomb in the wire! -Take cover.
-Good heavens.
How did that bomb get up there, Captain Mainwaring? It must have happened during the raid last night.
It could blow up at any minute.
No, no, no.
It's perfectly safe where it is.
It needs to strike the ground with considerable force to explode.
But if it does slip, the explosion could bring down the pole and the wires with it.
Shall I inform GHQ, Mr Mainwaring? Aye, you ought to tell them, sir.
No, no, we'll handle it ourselves.
But I think we should tell the post office first.
There's a phone box about a mile down the road.
Would you like me to sprint down and telephone? No, no, no.
You stay where you are, Godfrey.
Permission to speak, sir.
-Shall I take my van? -No, I want you to stay here.
-Sponge.
-Yes, sir.
-You go.
-Right, Captain Mainwaring.
You be careful with my van, Sponge.
Where've you been, Sponge? You've been gone for more than an hour.
I'm sorry, Captain Mainwaring.
After I'd made the phone call, I couldn't get the van started.
I've had to run back.
What have you done to my van, Sponge? -I've done nothing to it.
-Be quiet, Jones.
What did the telephone people say? They said they'd send a team of experts along right away.
-That was over an hour ago.
-Perhaps that's him now.
Does he look like ''a team of experts'' from the GPO? Morning.
GPO.
What's the trouble? Well, they said they were sending a team of experts.
I may not be an expert, but I know what I'm doing.
Well, what are you doing about that, then? Ooh, no, no, no.
That's outside my territory.
I shall have to report back.
-You mean you're refusing to go up? -That's right.
In that case I shall requisition your ladder.
-Jones.
Pike.
Go and set it up.
-Sir.
Now, look here, my man.
I don't like your attitude.
And I'm going to report you to your superiors.
You can report me to Winston Churchill as far as I'm concerned.
Ready, Mr Mainwaring.
You stupid boy.
It's not my fault if the ladder's too short.
Come back out of the danger area.
-Where's the rest of that ladder? -There is no more.
-Then how do you get up a pole? -Use the leg irons.
-Get them for me.
-Right.
But you'll never be able to get up there with those leg irons.
I'll be the judge of that, Wilson.
All we've got to do is tie some rope round the bomb and lower it to the ground.
Now, men, I'm not asking for volunteers.
I'm going up the pole.
Like a monkey on a stick.
Let me go up that pole, Captain Mainwaring.
You're too young to die.
Let me go, sir.
Thank you very much, Jones, but I must go.
Here we go.
(GROANING) Oh, uh, I forgot to tell you.
You can't walk in them, they're only for climbing.
Pike, carry me.
What, by myself? Hodges, help Pike carry me.
I'll do no such thing.
I'm a non-combatant.
I'm keeping out of it.
I'm ordering you to carry me.
Why don't you shoot him, Mr Mainwaring? Go on.
You can do it.
Get up and shoot him.
-I think he's yellow, don't you? -'Course he's yellow.
(ALL CLAMOURING) All right, all right, I'll do it.
Come on, then.
Right, keep back the rest of you.
Don't want to risk too many lives.
Forward.
Right.
Give me the rope, Wilson.
I'll have this bomb down in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
You stupid boy.
It's supposed to be slack.
You should have said, shouldn't you? Right.
Got my scarf.
Get off.
Look what you done.
Wait a minute.
I got a better idea than this.
Jam the irons in hard, sir.
Come on.
Give him a hand up.
Look what you've done.
Look here.
You You (GROANING) Right.
Off you go, Frazer.
Caught.
Yes.
MAINWARING: Right.
Left.
Left.
Left.
Right.
Pull harder, Frazer.
Want any help? Tell him to go about his business.
Would you move on, please? -I only asked if you want any help.
-Well, we don't.
So just clear off, will you? That's nice.
Ask a blasted civil question, all you get is a blasted load of cheek.
What about a safety pin, mate? -Get out of it.
-More blast abuse.
Don't worry, mate, I'm going.
Just as soon as I got these blasted gears sorted out.
Get in, blasted thing! Get blasted in! Permission to speak, sir? I've got an idea.
Why don't we take the furniture on that van and build it up and up and up, until it's high enough to reach the bomb? Well done, Jones.
Wilson, stop that man.
Sir.
There, that's the best I can blasted do.
Right, up you go, boy.
I'm not going up there.
It's all wobbly.
Let me go, sir.
Let me go up that wobbly tower of furniture.
If it wasn't for my rheumatics, sir, I'd be shimmying up there like greased lightning.
Aye.
And if I'd good eyesight, I'd be up there like a shot.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself, boy? These men are three times your age.
Go on, Frank, show us what you're made of.
You'll see what I'm made of.
I'll be spread all over the road.
HODGES: Yellow.
All right, I'll go.
-Uncle Arthur.
-Yes.
Mum's going to hear all about this.
Go on, Frank, get up there.
Oh, get on, boy.
It's not high enough, Mr Mainwaring.
-It's not high enough.
-Why don't we jack it up, sir? We're not giving in now.
No, I mean jack the lorry up.
Oh, I see.
Yes, it's a very good idea.
Get a jack.
Sir.
I hope you know what you're blasted doing, mate.
Five blasted pounds this blasted furniture cost me.
Hold on, Pike.
We're going to lift you up.
What? (GRUNTING) Up, blast Up.
Up.
-Push.
-Up.
Push.
-Push.
-Up.
-Up.
-Push.
Up.
(PIKE SCREAMING) Can't you do anything right, boy? What's my mum going to say when I go home smelling like this? It's no use, Wilson.
We shall have to think of something else.
Well, I think I've got a solution, sir.
Uh, remember yesterday, when we stopped because the road was up? Remember that? And you told me that I hadn't got a scientific mind.
And then you had to drive over thewith the tea.
-Yes, get on with it.
-Yes, well, there was a crane there.
Now, why don't we use that? Good idea.
-Frazer, Sponge, go get the crane.
-Right, Mr Mainwaring.
Come on, Sponge.
WILSON: Good luck, Jonesy.
-Yes, good luck, Jones.
-Thank you, sir.
All right, take it away.
(ENGINE ROARING) I can't quite reach it, sir.
I'm gonna have to climb onto the pole.
Be very careful, Jones.
That man's as brave as a lion.
Now, that's better.
I'm going to work it loose.
(JONES GRUNTING) (MUTTERING) I've got it, sir.
I've got it, sir.
I've got it.
I've got it, sir.
I've got it.
I'll just get it I've got to get it back.
(EXCLAIMING) If I can just hang on to it for a minute.
(EXCLAIMING) Captain Mainwaring, sir.
I don't think I can hold it, sir.
I don't think I can hold it.
Don't panic! Don't panic! I can't hold it! It's going.
It's going.
(YELLING) Lucky you made all that porridge, Frank.
Not such a stupid boy after all, am I, Mr Mainwaring? No, I'm sorry, Pike.
Good job we didn't have kippers for breakfast.
Mr Mainwaring.
-How am I going to get down? -Don't worry, Jones, we'll think of something.
Just supposing I get a shock? You can't get a shock, unless somebody makes a telephone call.
Permission to speak, sir.
I think I think someone's on the line now (GROANING)