Duck Dynasty (2012) s09e05 Episode Script

Alright look, here's the deal.
- We bought a six foot sub.
- Yep.
We should have been 15 duck calls.
You know how many duck calls it is? - How many? - Fourteen! We got gypped on this one, Jase.
Yeah, that's almost a whole 'nother sandwich.
We just got shafted.
That's right, they gave us the shaft, boys.
- Six inches.
- Yeah, the six inch shaft.
It just ain't right.
Recut it and short change yourself six inches.
I like it.
What are you doing? I'll tell you what's going on, we got the shaft.
I need the purchase order 1053.
- Now? - Right now, during lunch break? Yes, I need to match it up, right now.
I wasn't gon' bring that up but it is lunch break.
It is lunch break.
Hey.
You threw it in the garbage? No, this is the file.
Jase.
If there's one thing you can rely on these guys to do at work, it's take long lunch breaks.
If there's something you can't rely on them for, it's pretty much everything else.
Hand him that.
Eek.
Actually that does match.
Okay, so Jase found the thing but any normal employee would've lost it.
So, in a way, he's so disorganized, he can't even lose something properly.
I need a bigger bin.
So, I don't have to keep doing this.
You need to organize that whole thing.
At least get a filing cabinet or a binder.
Crap, get a Trapper Keeper.
If I need to come back here and get something you need to be able to hand it to me just like that.
- I did just hand it to you.
- How would you fix that? I know, this was an exception.
But if I ask for another one, I guarantee you couldn't find it.
- I'll take that bet.
- I don't have one now, but the point is that's not a file cabinet.
- I know what's in here.
- That's right.
Who's going to step up and organize the darn filing cabinet? I would, but my plate's full.
Hire somebody.
- Right here.
- See? I wish you were more like that.
I actually don't wanna do it.
But I think if you hired Alan he could do it.
He's the most organized person I know.
Agreed.
I've got two too many brothers of mine working up here.
Blood's thicker than water.
All right, who's going to step up and be the team leader? - Hire Alan! - Yeah.
- We need Alan! - That's right.
We need Alan! All right, I'll think about it and talk to Al.
But y'all need to step up.
That thing needs to be organized.
All right, everybody come get your sandwich.
I want the end piece.
What do you mean, "you want the end piece?" Look here, I was crappie fishing one day.
Look, cork goes under.
Cork goes under, look.
I caught a big ol' octopus, okay? Look, a octopus.
And, look, I made tacos outta that sucker.
You talk 'bout good? Where was you at when you caught a octopus? I was in the lake.
- Are you kiddin'? - No.
They're saltwater only.
When they get in freshwater, boy.
Hey, you talkin' about Al! What's happenin', ladies? What're you doin' here? - I'm the office manager.
- Awesome.
Checkin' out our efficiency needs.
So, look, I wanna hear from you guys.
What are some things that we can do to be a little more efficient around here? Let's take our TV out of the '90's.
You guys watch a lot of TV? It's not even HD.
It doesn't know what that is.
You reckon we can get an ice-cream machine? Do you think that would help efficiency? Mm-hmm.
Everybody wants some ice-cream.
That's exactly right.
So, I had the opportunity to put together a little list of things I think is going to help us.
I've been workin' on some ways we can be more efficient.
Yep, okay.
So, you guys are going to rotate through trash, clean-up, sweeping, mopping.
The kitchen, which is a disaster zone.
I'm havin' flashbacks to my Army days here with all this crap I'm lookin' at here.
Hey, look, there's a reason I retired from the military.
"Organa," "Zation.
" Well I know this is gonna take a little time to soak in.
I don't know about all this.
Al reminds me of this superior I had.
We called him Sergeant Slaughter, 'cause wherever he went, he was a killing machine of fun.
Oh, we can do it, Si, it's a team sport.
- No, I don't think so.
- We're all going to pull together.
Sarge walks in, "Robertson, clean the barracks! Tuck in that shirt! And do somethin' with them boots! They smell like rotten cabbage!" I don't know why he was hung up on my boots, okay? It was my feet that smelled like cabbage.
What I'm going to do the rest of today is just observe.
I need to see what you guys are doin' in here.
So you just carry on like I'm not even here.
What about a bigger refrigerator? I'm not here, Godwin, I'm just observin'.
I'm not here.
- You just going to stand there? - I'm not here.
Do what you'd normally do.
You're going to realize you're here in about 20 seconds.
I'm not here.
Korie, what time'd you say the alarm went off? It was, like, 3:00 in the morning.
Well, it's the motion detector that went off in the front yard.
I told you.
Somebody was here.
I'm not going to say somebody was here.
Somethin' tripped the alarm.
I'm sure it was a raccoon or a dog or somethin'.
How do you know? 'Cause the dogs, I can tell by the way they bark.
Oh, please.
They have an animal bark and they have a person bark.
It's a distinct bark.
Korie got so riled up over our security alarm goin' off last night, she called in our security guy, Dan.
Dan, write the code on the wall above the alarm.
Why would you wanna do that? So you can remember, so you turn it off.
Then if a burglar comes in and the alarm goes off, he's going to read the code and just turn it off.
If he's already in, we would know he's here.
Korie is panicking, but these alarm malfunctions happen all the time.
If they didn't, the expression "false alarm" wouldn't exist.
We gotta get the security alarm working.
It's workin', it goes off all the time.
Right about now, I wanna install a security system that will protect me from ever having this conversation again.
I spent a lotta years on the force.
You've gotta pay attention to it.
That's what it's here for.
- Oh, no.
- Wise beyond your years, you are.
I think I got you rigged up.
I gotta go, I've got a class.
- You takin' some college classes? - I teach a class.
Jedi-training.
It's actually a self-defense class.
Apparently, I'm going to need that since Willie's not real concerned about the security around here.
I better learn to take care of myself.
There is one pressure point I can show you that he'll wet his pants.
- Really? - Yes, ma'am.
Pipe down, Dan.
I wanna learn that.
Can we come back tomorrow for a class? The only problem with tomorrow is my assistant's not available.
I have to have someone that I demonstrate on.
John Luke will do it.
- What do I have to do? - Endure a little of pain.
They're going to beat the crap outta you.
All right, guys, I gotta get outta here.
- Holler at you tomorrow.
- Thanks, Dan, appreciate it.
John Luke, I am your father.
You're hilarious.
Hilarious, I am.
We've been violated, boys.
What in the world? I'm tellin' ya, we've been violated.
Where's my stuff? - Violated.
- Name tags? - At least he got the chairs right.
- I think that's my chair.
Nope, that's mine, it's got my name on it.
I get up to go to the bathroom all the time, I can't be sittin' in the middle.
Oh, no, uh-uh.
This ain't bad.
How am I supposed to fit right here? Why y'all sittin' down? 'Cause I'm tired.
This is usually where I get my best rest.
This is the problem with people like y'all.
Somebody comes and changes the way we do things, and y'all are like, "Okay.
" This is a comfortable chair, I like it.
Buncha dumb oxen.
I do like this chair, though.
I gotta feelin' how this might've happened.
And that's only mildly creepy.
Look, I love Al.
He's the best beardless man that I know.
However, he can be a real nuisance.
We're like puppets.
And Al thinks he's the puppet-master.
When I was a kid, he was the boss.
We're not kids anymore, though.
I figured that was obvious.
"Do not touch.
" "touch.
" "anything thing!" "thing.
" Exclamation point, exclamation point.
Exclamation point.
This aggression will not stand, boys.
The other thing that should be obvious, I don't take orders from beardless men.
Just as a general rule.
Mornin' men.
What do you think of the changes? - Funny.
- I think it sucks.
Si, you haven't even given it a chance.
How would you like for me to come I'll ask you this.
How would Lisa like for me to come into her bedroom and then just rearrange everything? She'd have you arrested, first of all Well, think that's what we oughta do to you.
So what's that in your hand? Good observation, Martin.
This is your time-sheets.
What? So here's the way it works.
Whenever you guys need to take a break, you punch-out.
No.
Si, you need to take a nap, you punch-out.
No.
Jep, you've got a gas attack, you punch-out.
- Oh, yeah.
- We have to keep track of time.
- Nope.
- I'm going to leave these here.
Do not destroy these.
I know you guys can do it, come on.
Be all you can be, Si.
- See, there he goes again, boys.
- Like the Army.
You can do it.
Ain't going to happen.
I think, since he sent us a message, we need to send him a message.
What're you fixin' to do? Things are changin'.
This aggression will not stand, boys.
Number one, this is not a dance class.
This is not a Pilates class.
This is not a "get fit" class.
This is a "get mean" class.
We're going to show you how to get out of a number of grasps or holds.
It doesn't take size.
It doesn't take strength.
Has nothin' to do with age.
All it is is leverage, speed, and a target.
- Oh, wow.
- Ever been attacked? Anybody ever had an altercation? You know, I have miniature farm animals.
And I have a little pygmy goat, sweet as pie.
He decides to head butt me in the back of the knee.
When he did that, guess what happened to my other knee? I went down.
Goats aren't the only ones that can do that.
Well, sometimes Willie tickles me, and I can't get him off of me.
I promise you, when we get done, if you don't want him tickling you, he will not.
Good.
So, John Luke.
If you'll step over here, then we'll start demonstrating some stuff.
All right, John Luke.
- Yeah, John Luke.
- You got this, John Luke.
I'm so glad all the wives decided to join me today, because there are a lot of unpredictable people out there, and you just never know when someone's going to try to hurt you or someone you love.
John Luke, you are fixin' to hit the ground.
Oh, no, I'm scared.
Oh, my goodness.
Also, I can't stand it when Willie tickles me.
I can take this hand, and make him do anything I want him to do.
Stand on your tippy-toes.
Tippy-toes.
I take a finger in each knot and I go straight down.
Good grief.
If Dan's demonstrations with John Luke are any indication of what I'm going to learn today Get on the ground! Get on the ground! I don't think Willie's going to be winnin' any more tickle battles.
I own him.
Whatever I want is mine.
Is it normal for the perpetrator to start laughing at this point? No, I can stop that.
- Mom! - Don't hurt him.
Stop! Stop! Poor John Luke.
I'm going to do that to Willie.
All right, Johnny D, we need a new flavor for the menu.
So I gotta see which one you think is the best.
Mississippi Pan Juice or Attila the Runs? - I thought it was a little hot.
- Yeah, it's hot.
Is it in your sinuses? I don't think I have any hair left in my nose.
That's where it hit me.
My sinuses would totally open up when I did it.
- What's up? - What do y'all need? He made a bad mistake.
- This is an emergency.
- Yeah, he messed up.
We're having a scientific meeting.
I thought it'd be a good idea to hire Al, but now it'd be a better idea to fire him.
- Yeah, you need to fire the boy.
- It was your idea.
- I said I made a bad call.
- He messed up.
That's not easy for me to say.
I'm not firin' Al.
He's a vibe-killer.
What he's doin' is, is killing productivity.
There's very little productivity.
I don't know how you can kill that.
We're gettin' all orders, now.
I don't even know what he's doin', so I don't care.
He brought in paperwork, time-cards, all this junk.
Clean up detail and all this junk.
The more you talk about it, sounds like he's doin' a good job.
- No, he's not, trust me.
- No, no.
You're the one sayin' he was going to save everything and that's exactly what we needed.
If he stays, production starts to go down.
Oh, it's already gone down.
We could be buildin' duck calls right now.
Look, if he stays we're outta here.
- Yeah, we're out.
- No.
Alan needs to be fired.
You hired him, you fire him.
Oh, I've been wanting to fire my brother for years.
All right, y'all need to get back to work.
Al took all our snacks.
Hand me one of them wings.
All right, I got you the perfect wing right here.
- Good grief, Johnny D.
- There ya go.
- Good grief, son.
- Johnny D - Do you like that? - See? - It's really not bad.
- Are you kiddin' me? - What's that called? - "Attila the Runs.
" - No.
- Brother, that was my water.
Tell them boys to put some hot sauce on that stuff.
I told you it wasn't that hot.
He eats a lot of weird stuff every day.
You are such a pansy.
All right, do you wanna learn how to defend against this? - It's orange, it's kinda cute.
- It's still a gun! - I love orange.
- It's not intimidating at all.
It looks like a pumpkin-gun.
It's a prop, it's how we teach you how to defend - against a hand gun.
- Is it rubbery? Do they make guns in pink for girls? Yellow, like the sunshine.
Pretty floral print, or something.
- I like polka-dots.
- I do, too.
You know what, we should get a purse that has that little pocket in there, that concealed weapons pocket.
Everybody agreed, we like orange.
Everybody agrees, it's pretty.
It's even pretty if it's polka-dot.
We all good with that.
We may look like a group of dainty, Southern belles.
But us Robertson wives, we've got a little fight in us.
All right.
Parry, stay up, elbow.
Whoop, stop, stop, back up.
We're not afraid to throw down if the situation calls for it.
Oh, my gosh.
What happened? I think anytime you marry into a family of stubborn men, you learn to fight for what you want.
Go for the wrist.
How do you jam the gun? With the second hand.
You come over the top with the second hand.
- Very good.
- Got it! Yes! You figured it out.
You figured it out.
Although, the Robertson men are definitely softer the younger they get.
John Luke, you look so cute.
You look like a Transformer.
My God.
Look, he's got home plate attached to his groin.
I know you don't wanna hurt him.
But I think we can make you have a little incentive.
- Uh-oh.
- Think about his smart mouth.
Just think about this.
He's got you on the ground, and he is tickling you.
Oh, that makes me mad.
- Oh, it's goin' down.
- Get him.
- Come on, come get me.
- Come on.
Come on, Korie.
Kick, kick, good.
Got him, good kick! Good kick! You never learn? You take on one Robertson woman you take on all of 'em? - Yo.
- You got a minute? What's up? Well, I'm wondering about this.
Well, I don't really know what happened.
Well, here's what I know, we're up on production.
No TV, time-sheets are bein' turned in.
There's a schedule now, for the next six months.
- How long have you been here? - Two days.
Hang on, let me get him in here.
I need Jase to come to my office immediately.
Were you listenin' to our conversation? We were lookin' for somethin'.
What're you lookin' for in Korie's office? - Stuff.
- Where's Si? He's been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.
Did he clock out for that? That's what I'm talkin' about.
I could hear the moans and the groans through the walls.
He said that stuff wasn't hot.
What is that? See this defacing of company property? I've just been trying to find the person who did it.
I've just been carrying it around.
- I bet.
- Oh, I see you got your memo.
Here's the deal.
Al just informed me that production's up.
So I'm thinkin' about keeping him around.
- That's a bad call.
- Finally, somebody that appreciates.
- He's exactly right.
- It's a terrible idea.
You know who else was exactly right? - This guy, right here.
- No.
'Cause he's the one that saw ya I'm tryin' to build ya up.
- You were right.
- No, I was wrong.
- I'm sayin' you're right.
- I was wrong.
No, you're wrong because you were right.
- No.
- See what I'm sayin'? But you're wrong thinkin' that you weren't right.
You're both wrong.
What I'm sayin' is Al's stayin, and I like the direction he's takin' the company.
Exactly what we need because I've been seeing some things, Willie, that quite frankly need to be organized at the top.
- For Jase? - No, no.
I'm talkin' about you.
Believe me, I got my stuff in line, all right? 'Cause I've been observing for two days now.
Don't look after what I I think trickle down has to start trickling.
He's onto somethin' here.
And we need some trickle-down organization.
- He's right about that.
- No, he's wrong about that.
I've already trickled all I can trickle.
I wanna start the trickle at the top, and then it's going to trickle down.
That's why I brought you in, you're part of the trickle.
Not enough trickling.
Somebody didn't trickle right, all right? I'm just saying, if you want this to be a well-oiled machine, then I need to begin here.
I don't need somebody telling me what to do.
I got a list that I need to talk to you about.
- Jase, you're right.
Al - you're out.
- You're fired.
- It's just business.
Here, you can have this.
Fired for helping the company? Chalk it up for just a two-day experience.
Whoa, man.
Good grief.
Good grief.
Oh, man.
Whoa.
Look, I'm tellin' you boys, Mount St.
Helens didn't have nothin' on what just happened in the bathroom.
- You don't wanna be in there.
- No.
I just had a glimpse of Hell.
All right, we got it.
Did you clock out? Has he got squared away here, yet? - Yeah, he gone.
- I mean, I love you.
You're my favorite nephew, but, you know, hey.
You know, better times.
What do you want, Si? Ice would be nice.
Oh.
- I wasn't sure you got it.
- We got it.
I would sit down, but I can't.
You talk about bad.
Good grief.
Now what you gotta remember is you gotta get mean.
Whelp, you all got it figured out? Look what the cat drug in.
I texted 'em to come by because I have been very pleased with what I seen today.
It's like yoga class, huh? - Far from it.
- No.
- We bad.
- Yup.
All right, y'all got some cheerleading moves or not? Oh, please.
Who's "Roboflop" over there? Are you wearin' a diaper? Well, one of the pressure points actually make you pee.
No tellin' how many people's peed in that thing.
We can show you some things they've learned, anybody wanna go? - Come on, Korie.
- This is from the straddle position, which means the woman is layin' in the bed.
She wakes up and they're trying to strangle her.
It's the hardest move to get out of.
Korie does it very well.
There's nothing better than getting back at your husband for messing with you.
All right, let's do it.
This'll be a piece of cake.
I'd actually like to try to figure out that pee-your-pants move.
That would totally be the sweetest payback.
Get on top of her.
Put your hands around her throat.
- Sit on me.
- If you're scared, say you're scared.
- I'm not scared.
- Well, straddle her.
Especially since the last time we had a tickle fight, Willie mad me pee my pants, just, like, a tiny bit.
I mean, he's made me pee my pants a few times.
Go.
All right, Korie, come on.
- Lock your leg! - Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Girls win.
Girl power.
Good job.
- Perfect! - We bad.
All right, y'all bow.
Father, we thank You for another good day on planet Earth.
For that, we are humbled and hopeful.
In the name of Jesus I pray.
- Amen.
- Amen.
We've all had those moments in life where, for better, for worse, your family exceeds your expectations.
Sure, it can catch you off guard.
Like your older brother getting way too involved in your work habits, or underestimating your wife's self-defense skills, which, for the record, I wasn't trying that hard.
Regardless of what happened today, it's important to embrace each other.
Not just because we share the same last name, but for what makes us different, no matter how different.
Let me tell you, Attila the Hun, she is a mean, sadistic little heifer.