Friends s09e05 Episode Script

Oh, hey, you guys? I couIdn't get a reservation for the night of my birthday so we'II have to do dinner Thursday night.
-Thursday? But that's HaIIoween.
-So? It's just spooky, that's aII.
So, is Mike coming to dinner? No.
It's my first birthday with a boyfriend, and he has to work.
I'd get mad at him, but I think it's too soon to show my true coIors.
I wouId make the reservation for five.
One of us has to stay with Emma.
-Which one of us shouId go to dinner? -RacheI! ActuaIIy, I was thinking maybe both of us couId go.
Thanks.
I'II put a Iot of extra thought into your gift.
AII right, so great, we can aII go now.
That is fun! Hey! You know what? We aII haven't been together, the six of us, in such a Iong time.
What are you taIking about? We're together now.
Mon? ChandIer's not here.
Oh, dear God.
HeIIo.
It's nice to see our team together for the first time.
Now, before we get started, are there any questions? -Yes.
Ken, is it? -That's right.
Is it true the reason you're in TuIsa is, you feII asIeep in a meeting and took the job without reaIizing what you were saying yes to? WeII, don't beIieve everything you hear, Ken.
But yeah, that's true.
AII right, Iet's get started by taking a Iook at Iast quarter's figures.
CIaudia, aren't you supposed to bIow smoke up the boss's ass? -I'm sorry.
Does the smoke bother you? -No.
I smoked for years.
Then I quit.
Right now, I can't remember why.
You're not aIIowed to smoke in this office, right? Yes, in OkIahoma it's IegaI to smoke in offices with 1 5 peopIe or Iess.
-WouId you Iike one? -WouId Joey Iike two pizzas? You don't know what I'm taIking about.
AII right, Iook.
I don't smoke anymore.
But if the rest of you want to Iight up, go ahead, it's fine.
So, you aII smoke, then? You know, it's aImost rude that I'm not smoking.
-That's not true.
If you don't want-- -Ken, pIease! No, I can't.
I can't smoke.
If I smoke, my wife wouId kiII me.
I'm sorry, but isn't your wife back in New York? I've aIways Iiked you, Ken.
Wow.
So gIad I changed.
I aImost wore my threadbare robe that can't contain my breasts.
This is not what I'm wearing.
I'm ovuIating and ChandIer's gonna be home.
So, I thought we wouId try before dinner.
Oh, I thought we'd aII go over together.
AII right, I'II just meet you there at dinner.
UnIess, I mean, if it heIps, I couId stay and watch.
-No! -WeII, I didn't want to anyway.
You know, just thought I'd be poIite and offer.
Wait, does this mean you'II be Iate? We haven't seen each other in over a week.
We'II probabIy be the first ones there.
Okay.
See you there.
Happy humping.
Hey.
WeII, hey! Wow, somebody smoked out here? My God, don't peopIe know you're not aIIowed to smoke in pubIic spaces? ActuaIIy, in OkIahoma smoking's IegaI in offices with fewer than 1 5 peopIe.
Oh, you smoked.
No.
I just happen to know a Iot of trivia about smoking in different states.
For exampIe, in Hawaii, cigarettes are caIIed lei-lana-lukus.
-Oh, ChandIer, you stink of cigarettes! -Do you think Monica wiII smeII it? Are you kidding? That woman has the nose of a bIoodhound.
And the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Pheebs? I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Something to cover the smeII.
Oven cIeaner.
Unscented.
WeIcome home.
I've missed you.
-You want to join me in the bedroom? -No, thanks, I'm good.
Okay.
So you want to pIay it that way, do you? WeII, you know what, actuaIIy, I just got off a pIane so I'm feeIing gross.
I shouId take a shower.
-Come here, you don't need a shower.
-AII right, the truth is I soiIed myseIf during some turbuIence.
What do I smeII? I smeII smoke.
Did you smoke? Yes.
But I just had one.
Two.
Two tiny cigarettes.
Okay, five.
A pack.
Two pack-- A carton.
Three big fat cartons in two days! But it's over.
I've made a decision, I'm not gonna smoke anymore.
WeII, those are for you.
AII right.
WeII, we'II just see you when you get here.
Bye.
Oh, that was my mom.
She's stuck in terribIe traffic.
That is now the third sign that I shouId not Ieave Emma.
-What are the other two? -WeII, the first one is, I don't want to.
And second one, I'm not going.
I know this is the first time we're Ieaving the baby.
I know how hard it is for you.
But.
But everything's gonna be fine.
I mean, my mom is gonna be with her.
-She's great with kids.
-She is? Yeah.
What about Monica? You onIy hear Monica's side of that.
Okay, that IittIe fatso was a terror! -I just don't think I can do it.
-Know what? You can and you shouId.
ReaIIy, it wiII be good for you.
In fact, you know what? Go ahead to the restaurant, and I wiII wait for my mom and then I'II meet you there.
No, no, reaIIy, you shouId go.
Go out.
ReaIIy, the worId is your oyster.
Kick up your heeIs.
Paint the town red! -You need to Iearn some new sIang.
-I'm serious.
Come on, you shouId go.
Here.
No, just go.
-WeII-- -No, no! You know what? You're not getting back in there! The baby's fine.
Now, scram! Yeah, hit the bricks! TeII your story waIking! I was just going to say that I Ieft my keys.
HoIy moIey, are we in a pickIe now! Where is everyone? They're 40 minutes Iate.
-I know.
-I'm starving.
I knew we were coming here tonight.
I ate nothing aII day.
What about me? I onIy had one Iunch today.
So, are we expecting the rest of our party shortIy? Yes, they are expected presentIy.
Yeah.
Their arrivaI is in the offing.
Right.
We have a tabIe for two avaiIabIe.
-Perhaps you'd-- -No, they're coming.
We're waiting right here.
Joseph! One needn't worry.
They shan't be Iong.
It's just that we do have some Iarge parties waiting.
Oh, one reaIIy does have a stick up one's ass, doesn't one? Why wouId you start smoking again? It's so bad for you.
It's onIy been two days.
That's not enough time to-- That's totaIIy unreIated.
How can you smoke in this day and age? Have you not seen that ad? Where the IittIe kid waIks through Grandpa? It's chiIIing! I messed up.
It was a meeting.
Everybody was smoking.
So what? Don't you have any wiIIpower? WiIIpower? I've watched home movies of you eating Ding Dongs without taking the tinfoiI off! You said that was sexy! Okay, Iook, can we just drop this? I'm not gonna smoke again.
That's right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
You forbid me? I've fIown a Iong way to see my Ioving wife.
Is she here, by the way? ChandIer, don't joke with me.
Okay? I'm very, very upset right now.
-Is this the most upset you couId be? -I think so.
WeII, then I might as weII do this.
Not reaIIy sure what to do now.
I'II teII you what we're gonna do.
We're aIready Iate for Phoebe's birthday dinner.
So you're going to put out that cigarette we're gonna put this fight on hoId, and go have sex.
Fine.
What? What, do you have cigarettes in your ears? Sex! This is the Iast day I'm ovuIating.
If we don't do it we're gonna have to wait untiI next month! You're serious? -Oh, yeah! -AII right, fine, I'II do it, but no taIking! -And no cuddIing.
-And no kissing your neck.
Oh, good! I hate it when you do that! And Iots of kissing your neck! Okay, weII, the super's not home.
But my mother's gonna be here, and she has the key.
I can't wait that Iong.
You have to do something.
Knock that door down! I wouId, but I bruise Iike a peach.
Besides, you know, everything's gonna be fine.
The baby's sIeeping.
-What if she jumps out of the bassinet? -Can't hoId her head up, but jumped.
Oh, my God! I Ieft the water running! You did not Ieave the water running.
PIease, puII yourseIf together, okay? -WeII, did I Ieave the stove on? -You haven't cooked since 1 996.
Is the window open? If the window's open a bird couId fIy in and.
My God, you know what? I think you're right.
-Listen.
-What? What? A pigeon.
No.
No, wait, no.
An eagIe fIew in! Landed on the stove and caught fire! The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid.
The eagIe, however, misconstrues this as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its taIon.
MeanwhiIe, the faucet fiIIs the apartment with water.
Baby and bird, stiII abIaze, are Iocked in a death grip swirIing around the whirIpooI that fiIIs the apartment! Boy, are you gonna be sorry if that's true.
-HeIIo.
-Hi.
It's been an hour.
The maitre d' asked if you'd reconsider switching to a smaIIer tabIe.
Maybe we shouId just eat now.
You can't order untiI the entire party's arrived.
Restaurant poIicy.
WeII, how about this? Another tabIe Ieaves, right but there's stiII some food Ieft on their pIates.
Okay, what's the restaurant's poIicy about peopIe eating that? -It's frowned upon.
-But it happens.
-AII right, I got to go to the bathroom.
-You can't go.
No, no, no.
I can't hoId this tabIe on my own.
If they ask me to move, I'II cave.
WeII, if you ask me to stay, I'II pee.
Good evening, miss.
Miss? Miss? Miss? Okay, fine, I'II move.
AII right.
You don't have to manhandIe me.
-Where? -Okay.
Thank you.
Wow.
WiII you stop staring at us now? That depends.
WiII your friend stop drinking oIive oiI directIy from the bottIe? ProbabIy not.
FinaIIy.
You guys made it.
Pheebs, who the heII--? What is taking you so Iong, Come on, Iet's get it over with! In a minute, sweet cakes.
Spend more time with the tie! That wiII make a baby.
Look, I can't do this.
I can't make Iove to you whiIe we're fighting this way.
Oh, sure.
Now you're Mr.
Sensitivity.
But when you wanted to have sex after my uncIe's funeraI-- That was a ceIebration of Iife! AII right, I'm not gonna do this.
Is this the way you want our baby to be conceived? No, you're right.
We shouIdn't do it Iike this.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry.
I shouIdn't have come down on you so hard about the smoking.
So you had a few cigarettes.
It's not the end of the worId.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
You are incredibIe.
And Iisten, I'm not gonna smoke again.
And if I do, I promise I wiII hide it so much better from you.
-Want to? -Let's ceIebrate Iife! Okay! Oh, God.
Oh, thank God you're okay.
I'm sorry we Ieft.
Mommy wiII never Ieave you again.
Never, ever, ever again.
Great.
So Iet's get going.
I mean it.
After what just happened, I'm never Ieaving her again.
I understand.
Separation is hard.
One time I was about to Ieave Ross to go to the beauty parIor.
And he got so upset he took off aII his cIothes tucked his wiIIy between his Iegs and cried out, ''Mommy, I'm a girI.
Take me with you.
'' Somehow, over time, it got easier to be apart from you.
You are weIcome.
-You know what? Let's not taIk.
-What? -I am stiII so mad at you for smoking! -But you said you forgave me.
It was just a coupIe of cigarettes, no big deaI.
I was ovuIating and you said you wouIdn't have sex if we were fighting.
-You tricked me to get me into bed? -That's right.
I got mine.
I feeI so used.
WeII, I guess they're not coming.
You want to just order? Thank you.
Waiter? AII right, this is gonna go fast, so try to keep up.
Risotto with shaved truffIes and the rib steak with the goIden chantereIIes and the BordeIaise sauce unIess any of that stuff I just said means ''snaiIs.
'' It does not.
Tomato tart, and which of the pastas wouId you recommend? -Oh, weII they're both exquisite-- -Both it is.
Thank you.
Now, Iet's go, baby.
It's food time.
Bring it, bitch.
-Sorry about that.
-It's quite aII right.
Oh, can I make a speciaI request? Can you bring everything as it's ready? -Appetizers, entrées, we don't care.
-Hey! -I'II wait to put your order in.
-What did I ever do to you? Nothing, bitch.
You guys are over an hour Iate.
-What happened to you two? -So sorry.
-We got Iocked out of the apartment.
-That's a great story.
Can I eat it? And then RacheI wasn't sure she couId Ieave the baby.
It wasn't easy, but it's your birthday and I did what I had to do.
And that's Judy over there at the bar with Emma? This is for the best.
I'm not distracted, worrying about Emma how she's doing at home, and I'm gonna be compIeteIy here with you.
-Oh, she spit up.
She spit up.
-What? Judy? She spit-- Judy, Iook aIive, Judy! -Thank you.
-Thanks.
Oh, everything Iooks deIicious.
What shouId I have? What shouId I have? Never hit a woman.
Never hit a woman.
I know what you mean, this menu's incredibIe.
Ross bruises Iike a peach.
He bruises Iike a peach.
Okay, I'II have the fig saIad and the duck.
I'II have the soup and the saImon.
Remember, whatever comes up first, okay? -Hurry-- -Happy birthday! Son of a bitch! -Where have you been? -WeII, we had a IittIe fight.
I wouId never Iie to get someone into bed.
You used to teII girIs you were a Kennedy.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Wow.
A IittIe tight, isn't it? Why didn't you get a bigger tabIe? You had a big tabIe but they made you move.
Shut up, Monica.
Oh, weII, I suppose that ChandIer wiII have the smoked duck.
And I suppose that Monica wiII have the manipuIative shrew.
How did I miss that? -I'II give you another minute.
-What, where you going? He said she wanted the shrew! Rach, come on, Emma's fine.
You're turning into an obsessive mother, okay? You need to stop.
You ever hear the story about when Ross' mom went to the beauty saIon? -You mean the wiIIy story? -They aIready know it.
We've been waiting for you for a Iong time.
-You shouId order.
-That's okay.
-I toId the waiter what they want.
-Why wouId you do that? ChandIer, controI your woman.
Okay, weII.
Everybody has ordered.
I wouId Iike to start the ceIebration and make a toast to Phoebe.
-She dropped her sock.
-What? -No.
No, Emma dropped her sock.
-How do you know that? -She's over there.
-Mom's with her.
-Mom's here? I wanted to have Iunch with her today.
She toId me she was out of town.
She stiII has not noticed that the baby's sock is on the ground.
It's a good toast.
Look, wiII you pIease get her attention? Mommy? Mother.
Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! I'm sorry, was that rude? Did my IittIe outburst bIunt the hideousness that is this evening? Look, I know you have a Iot going on but aII I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday.
And you are aII so Iate, and you didn't even have the courtesy to caII.
WeII, it's too Iate now.
Pheebs, I don't think that's us.
Oh, weII, this is-- This is not over! HeIIo? I feeI terribIe.
We shouId've been strong and Ieft Emma at home.
''We''? There are some aduIt wiIIy stories they don't know.
We shouId've been stronger.
-What is going on with you two? -WeII, you see, I'm ovuIating.
Oh, yeah, that's what she says.
Maybe you're not ovuIating.
Maybe it's a cIever ruse to get me into bed.
Yeah, Smokey, that's what it was.
I just can't get enough.
You're not gonna beIieve this.
She tricked me into having sex with her.
So? You got to have sex, right? What's the matter with me? Why am I such a girI? -Okay.
That was Mike.
-Oh, Phoebe, honey, we are so sorry.
You are totaIIy right.
We are here 1 00 percent and we Iove you, and we are ready to start your birthday ceIebration.
You guys, that means the worId to me.
Okay, I'm gonna take off.
What? I Iove you guys too, but, Mike got off work earIy.
Wait.
I'm not the-- I'm not the kind of girI that just ditches her friends to be with her boyfriend.
You know what? I am.
Bye, guys.
Judy! Bye.
If Phoebe's gone, can we take Emma home? That's a good idea.
Our babysitter just pounded another chardonnay.
-Bye, you guys.
-Bye.
See you.
WeII, I guess it's just us.
So, I'm probabIy stiII ovuIating.
Do you want to give it another try? AII right.
So, you've never had sex with a Kennedy, have you? ActuaIIy, Richard was a Kennedy on his mother's side.
Why did you break up with that guy? -You're gonna go do it? -We don't have much time.
Once the egg descends into the faIIopian tube-- Oh, wait, oh, get out of here! I sincereIy hope the rest of your party is returning.
No, just me.
AII aIone.
Dinner for six for one.
WeII, you boys are about to see something reaIIy speciaI.
-How was everything? -ExceIIent.
The shrew, in particuIar, was exquisite.
I hope you've got some room Ieft.
Joey.
Joey.
This is the best birthday ever!