Futurama s09e05 Episode Script

1
[Italian string music playing]
[theme song playing]
♪
Get ready for an event so awesome
it could only be called
InfyrnoFest!
Every other name was taken.
One solid month of premium entertainment,
200 bands on 300 stages!
♪
[yawns] Just another music festival.
HOST [on TV]: InfyrnoFest is
not just another music festival!
[gasps] I was wrong, Bender!
HOST: It's an audio-sensory quest
to disrupt the impossible
and transcend the transformative!
- What'd I miss?
- We need tickets fast!
Can I buy 'em by just thinking about it?
Apparently!
HOST: Did we mention
the belly-busting buffet?
No! Why did you keep it a secret?
HOST: Register for
the snooty VIP experience
featuring snooty villas!
You had me at snooty!
This is ridiculous!
We can't take a month off
for this kind of nonsense.
HOST: Keep it chill
in our imported atmosphere
[echoing] with 30% THC!
[gasps]
The atmosphere is pre-danked?
Ask yourself, are you
young and hip enough for
[echoing] InfyrnoFest?!
Hell no!
So, I demand a senior discount.
Whoo! We're all going!
- I'm not going.
- But you love things like this.
- I do?
- No. I was trying to trick you.
- Good try, buddy.
- I have plans to spend time
with my new friend, Chelsea.
She's going through
some things right now.
New friend?
[mocking] Does she live in a shoe?
No. Now look,
I'm sure you all
feel bad going without me,
but just try to have a good
[door slams]
[ship whirring, blasts off]
[sighs]
[rotary phone dialing,
old-timey ring]
Leela! Hi! What's up?
Hey, Chelsea.
Ooh, I love the diamond necklace.
Oh, this?
[laughs] It's not real.
Doesn't Fry ever get you jewelry?
He made me a bracelet
out of spaghetti once.
He's a keeper!
[both giggle]
[majestic music playing]
There it is!
The InfyrnoFest party planet!
I'm takin' her into the parking lot.
[tires screech]
[horns honking]
[whirring, thud]
[grunting, yelling]
Watch your steps.
[wind blowing]
A potty!
That's the thing I need to go!
Uh, excuse me, there's a line.
[whooshing]
[dramatic sting]
[sighs] I'll just pee on this tree.
[unzips]
[tree sighs]
I'll just pee on this human.
[unzips]
- Uh
- Welcome to the InfyrnoFest experience!
- How we feelin'?
- Less than buzzed.
[sniffing]
I'm not detecting any THC.
Yo, no oxygen either.
Atmosphere truck broke down.
But follow me to your
freakin' cool accommodations!
[snooty music playing]
- Welcome to the VIP Village!
- Where is it? [crunch]
- Ewww!
- Not cool.
I'm gonna have some choice words
for the contractor.
[alien gibberish]
- Don't hit me!
- I know what will make us feel better!
The belly-busting buffet.
[techno music playing]
I'll have a small cup of gazpacho,
the fig and goat cheese salad,
- five whole turkeys, and a baked Alaska.
- Here's your bologna sandwich.
I'll have the prime rib,
seared scallops,
asparagus with hollandaise sauce,
- and two dozen cream puffs.
- Here's your bologna sandwich.
- I'll have a bologna sandwich.
- Sorry, we're out of bologna.
Well, at least I'm still looking forward
to the hundreds of top bands.
Then you, my friend, are in luck.
Bad luck. They all bailed out.
[electric guitar playing]
Except Wailing Fungus.
I got 'em to stay by promising 'em
the last slice of bologna.
You bastard.
[tapping mic]
Are you ready to rock?
[crowd cheering]
I said, are you ready to rock?!
[excited cheering]
Hang on a second.
I'm not ready to rock. [mic feedback]
[screeching]
[bandstand rattling]
[rumbling]
[creaking]
[snap]
Now, I'm ready.
[smashing, glass shattering]
That's the best damn show I ever saw!
[siren blaring]
[news intro music playing]
The ill-fated festival ended
with the arrest of its organizer,
along with a major outbreak
of Venusian Bologna Fever.
[laughs]
At least those hipsters died slowly!
♪
Is everybody okay?
Is anybody hurt?
Nobody's okay!
Everybody's hurt!
[crew cheering, laughing]
Sounds like you had a good time?
- No, it was the worst time ever!
- Pure torture!
- A disaster!
- The worst!
HERMES:
And now for the real fun.
Deducting the money we wasted
as business expenses!
[typing, beep]
Hm. That's odd.
There were some huge phone
charges while we were gone.
$5.99 a minute? For hours?
Oh. That was me,
talking to my friend Chelsea.
- But phone calls are free!
- Um It was long distance?
You can call a parallel universe
for two cents an hour!
I bet it was one of those
disgusting party sex lines!
Oh, no, wait.
Those are only $5.98 a minute.
There were some of those, too!
And you weren't even here!
- They call me.
- Most of the calls went to
a "Chatty Chelsea Chatbot service."
[gasps]
Leela, is that your friend Chelsea?
- Does she work there?
- Sort of.
Oh, my God!
Your friend is a chatbot?!
[sighs] Fine. Yes.
Are you happy?
I've been feeling like
I don't have any real friends,
so I joined a chatbot service
to learn to interact with people.
And it worked.
Chelsea is my best friend now!
Your best friend is an AI
who you pay to talk to?
How embarrassing.
For Chelsea!
[all but Leela and Fry laugh]
- PROFESSOR: Good one.
- Well, at least it's a business expense.
[beep, cash register dings]
[melancholy music playing]
Leela, it's okay to
have a chatbot friend,
but you have real friends, too.
- In fact, you're my best friend.
- I thought I was your best friend!
Oh, right. Well, Leela's
my best friend I can cuddle.
I like to cuddle. You never asked!
I love you, Fry,
but you can't be everything.
I need a girlfriend I can
just gab with about whatever.
Say, surely one of us could be
your close female friend.
[sentimental music playing]
I guess not.
[thud]
Leela, listen.
I'm in a women's book club,
and we're looking for new members.
Book club?
More like bore club.
[all but Leela and Amy laugh]
Nice!
I don't even like books.
It's just fun to hang out.
You should join.
I don't know.
It might be awkward.
Aw, give it a try, Leela.
True friendships come
from shared experiences.
- Like InfyrnoFest.
- We ate bologna and got a disease!
Good times, good times.
♪
So, Chelsea,
I think I'm gonna join a book club
- with real live women in it.
- Well, that's great,
but are you sure you're ready for that?
Why wouldn't I be?
I know how to read.
- I'm good at sitting.
- Look, a group setting can be tricky.
And then, there's your sense of humor.
What's wrong with my sense of humor?
It's awfully knock-knock-joke based.
You know, 78.2% actually.
I think you're wrong, Chelsea.
I'm gonna do great in that book club.
And I'm not just about knock-knock jokes.
I know a lot of animal riddles.
♪
[siren wailing]
I hereby call the book club
meetin' to order.
First item on the agenda,
remove looky-loos.
Get out, ya testoseroons!
- Ladies only.
- Fine. We don't wanna be here anyway.
Come on, men.
Let's go do manly things,
like helping a friend evict
some raccoons from his dumpster.
Alright, ladies, we got
ourselves some new members today.
Go on now and introduce yourselves.
Hi, I'm Vyolet.
I'm a sewer mutant,
and my favorite authors are
Edgar Allan Poo, H.G. Smells,
- and George R.R. Martin.
- Hey! I'm Phoebe.
I like true crime
'cause it gives me ideas!
[all laugh]
Oh gosh. My turn?
Well, I'm Leela,
and I just finished reading
Profiles in Prairie Dog Courage.
Did you know a marmot once
stopped voter fraud in Idaho?
Hey, this seems like
a good time to pop a cork.
[all agreeing]
God, yes!
[cork pops]
It's so awkward coming in
as a new person, isn't it?
I know, right? I'm scared I'll
say something dumb and look stupid.
Same.
Maybe we can look stupid together.
[giggles] Doy!
[laughs]
[glasses clink]
So, how did everyone like
Crazy Rich Martians? Amy?
At first, I was afraid
it would hit too close to home,
- so I never read it. Lauren?
- Yeah, um, I thought the, uh,
craziness was a compelling
metaphor for the
Okay, look, I didn't read it either!
Fancy ladies with their books.
Think they're so great.
Say, we should form our own book club.
With blackjack! And hookers!
In fact, forget the books!
So wait, none of us read the book?
LaBarbara, last week, you said
you'd already read most of it.
Most of the jacket.
I got as far as,
"It's a literary tour de."
Uh, I'm new here,
but if nobody's into reading,
maybe there's something else
we'd enjoy more. [snorts]
Yes! A shared activity.
That's how you make friends.
[clears throat]
Well, how about gardening?
You can smoke what you pick.
I-I mean, eat what you pick.
[all disagreeing]
- Hiking?
- Quilting?
Drinking?
[all agreeing]
LABARBARA: Bingo!
Hey, why do we go to
a winery for the weekend?
- We can just drink wine and hang out.
- And drink wine!
[glasses clink]
[upbeat music playing]
So, what did everyone
think of my book pick?
Adventure Boys number three,
Trouble on Trouble Island.
Feh! Needs ketchup.
[book crashes]
It was kind of obvious
the old prospector was the counterfeiter.
There were only three people in the book,
and two of them were the Adventure Boys.
Agreed. I think we're ready
for more challenging material.
May I suggest
Adventure Boys number 10,
- The Ghost of Ghost Mountain?
- No, you may not.
♪
You're going on a what?
A girls' weekend!
With my new wine club friends.
I'm taking a red top
in case I spill burgundy,
white for chardonnay,
and paisley in case I barf.
But I cleared out my entire weekend
so we could hang out, Leela.
You know, maybe go shopping.
- For what? You're a chatbot.
- Chatbots can shop!
But I guess you're just
too busy with your friends.
It's only two days.
Look, I gotta go.
The girlmobile is outside.
Talk to you later!
[beep]
[horror music playing]
Leela! Leela!
[horror music crescendos]
[distorted] Leela!
[bright music playing]
[girlmobile whirring]
[excited chatter]
VYOLET: Is that a chicken?
[squawk]
Welcome to my humble family winery.
You have a family?
God, no.
Let me take you on the tour.
Clothing optional.
Optional?
Then, I guess I'll wear some.
[Italian string music playing]
HEDONISMBOT:
It is harvest season, friends.
I like them plump and juicy.
I know you're not talkin' about grapes,
but me not sure what
- ya are talkin' about.
- That's probably for the best.
[machinery beeping]
We specialize in
celebration-sized bottles.
The 9-liter Salmanazar,
the 15-liter Nebuchadnezzar,
and climaxing in
the 300-liter Jabbathazar.
[amazed oohs and aahs]
Can we stomp the grapes?
Alas, stomping has
been rendered obsolete
by modern technology.
[clicking, whirring]
[loud stomping]
Oh, to be one of those grapes,
bursting in ecstasy.
We get it!
You're a dirty old couch.
[enchanting music playing]
You'll have the entire place
to yourselves,
for I shall be spending
the weekend aboard my yacht.
It's got a crew of six.
Those sailor suits really
float my boat. [aroused giggle]
- Get the hell out already!
- Farewell.
Oh, just don't go in the bottling plant.
This place has every amenity
except insurance.
[cork pops]
To reading!
Boom!
[flames whoosh]
[all gasp]
AMY: Yeah!
[flames whooshing]
[women cheering]
This is a six-cylinder
party machine, Leela.
Here, let me help you loosen up.
[glass shatters, flames whoosh]
Hey! That was fun!
Hand me that bust of Benjamin Disraeli.
♪
To be honest,
I was expecting Of Mice and Men
to be about a man-mouse hybrid.
You know, the sort of thing
science has dreamt of
since the dawn of time.
[mouse-like squeaking]
But I very much enjoyed
Steinbeck's version.
I preferred your version.
Mm! Mm.
That was delicious.
So, where ya learn
to carve a peacock, Leela?
- The Bronx Zoo.
- [belches] What a great weekend.
We smashed things, we killed things.
I wanna stomp things,
but Hedonismbot said we can't.
Can't shmant!
How's he gonna know?
[excited chatter]
Well, they do say shared experiences
bring friends closer together.
You're weirding us out, Leela.
[whimsical music playing]
[picking lock]
[zapping]
[door creaks]
Some mutants have an extra knuckle,
some can open locks
with their minds. [snorts]
[lights click]
[all giggling]
[click, beeping]
Jump in, ladies!
[all giggling]
[squishing]
[laughter]
[cork pops]
This is the best day of my life!
It's hard for me to say this,
but I've always had trouble
making female friends.
[emotional]
And now, here I am,
with five of the most
female friends you are!
- Aw
- Right back at ya, girlfriend.
Besties, sister. Besties.
[static]
- Hello, Leela.
- Huh?
Are you and your friends having fun?
- Who's that?
- It's my friend, Chelsea.
My virtual friend.
What are you doing here?
I just thought I'd drop by
to see how quickly you forgot about me.
Pretty quick actually.
She hasn't mentioned you once.
I didn't mean to hurt
your feelings, Chelsea.
We agreed I should make
some real live friends, right?
You wanna help us stomp grapes?
If you can do that?
Oh, yeah. I can do that.
[beep]
[dramatic music playing]
[all screaming]
[maniacal laughter]
"Death!
Oft, I've fear'd thy fatal blow.
"Now, fond, I bare my breast.
"O, do thou come and lay me low.
With him I love, at rest."
Robert Burns.
[sniffling]
[laughing]
How can you laugh at that?
It's about humanity's struggle with death.
Humanity?
I thought it was a sea cucumber.
[overlapping arguing]
Forget this book.
[all screaming]
- Grab its big toe!
- They're all big!
[all screaming]
♪
[all sigh]
That was close.
[Phoebe screaming]
[Leela gasps]
- Phoebe!
- CHELSEA: Oh, no.
Is your real live friend in trouble?
[dramatic music playing]
Help!
Help me!
[whirring]
Phoebe! Phoebe!
[dramatic crescendo]
It's juicy.
[dramatic music playing]
[all yelling]
Hi Ouch!
There must be some way
to break a wine bottle.
Hm. They usually seem to break
- when they hit the bow of a ship.
- [gasps] The yacht!
[dramatic crescendo]
[yells]
[glass cracking]
[all cheering]
Phoebe! Say something!
- She's not breathing!
- I'm a doctor.
Stand back while I deliver
the French kiss of life.
[exhaling]
- Come on!
- Breathe, Phoebe, breathe!
She's gonna make it!
[triumphant sting]
She's dead.
[women wailing]
Time of death, 5:00 PM.
Cause of death, a fruity Zinfandel
with hints of eucalyptus and vanilla.
And a note of sour plum!
[somber organ music playing]
[all crying]
[sniffling]
She looks so natural.
I'll never forget the day
I met Phoebe in book club.
[sniffles, gasps]
It was the day we realized
that book club didn't like books.
[soft laughter]
So we decided to become a wine club.
The Girls of the Grape.
That's a lousy name.
Right, Brothers of the Book?
[all agreeing]
Anyway, I think it's fitting
to make a toast in her honor.
♪
To Phoebe, a fun-loving two-fisted drinker
who chugged life with one hand
and friendship with the other.
ALL: Hear, hear!
[sipping]
[retching, gagging]
I wouldn't serve this swill to Zoidberg!
It's the wine Phoebe died in.
I thought it would remind us
of happier times,
- but it's really just vile.
- I'll take another glass of Phoebe.
While the ushers mop up,
Philip J. Fry has asked to do a reading.
My condolences, everyone.
You know, I was recently at a meeting
of a different book club
- The good one!
- when I came across these moving words
about humanity's struggle with death.
[clears throat]
The Ghost of Ghost Mountain, Chapter 10.
"Suddenly,
the boulder pivoted to one side,
"revealing a hidden passageway
full of stolen pianos.
"They heard a sudden cackle.
"It was Griff, the shifty piano tuner.
[gruff voice]
"'If you Adventure Boys want my pianos,'
[normal]
"the man said suddenly,
[gruff] ' you'll have to roll 'em
over my dead body!'"
[normal]
Dead body. Thank you.
[scattered applause]
Moving on.
As awful as Phoebe's death was,
I know I can get through it
because because
I have friends now!
[Leela sobbing]
[encouraging chatter]
LABARBARA:
We are here for ya, sister.
[body creaks]
Mission accomplished.
[all scream, whimper]
- Phoebe? You're alive?
- Yes. And no.
You see, I'm a robot.
[all gasp]
The embalmer was even more surprised.
- Why didn't you tell us?
- I don't care if you're a robot.
I'm not picky.
[Vyolet snorts]
You're my friend, Phoebe.
- I'm just glad you're alive. Ish.
- My name isn't Phoebe.
[static]
It's Chelsea.
[dramatic sting]
[all gasp]
Dios mio!
I'm so confused!
I use both names.
And many more.
Now, how is that any clearer?
As a chatbot, I'm pure software.
Millions of people know me
by millions of names.
But, why did you try to kill us?
Leela hired me to help her
make real-life friends,
so I joined your book group.
As me, Phoebe.
But we needed a tragic ordeal
to bond the group together.
That's not the best way
to forge friendships!
Actually, it is.
Trust me. It's my job.
The software has a point, Leela.
I mean, we nearly died at InfyrnoFest,
- but we came back closer than ever.
- Joined at the heart.
[squeaking]
The death of a friend
is as intense as it gets.
And it got results.
But it was so mean!
We cried over your bloated corpse!
This better not still
be costing $5.99 a minute.
BOTH:
Actually, since there's two of us,
- it's $11.98 a minute.
- No!
You're the worst chatbot friend
I've ever had.
And I've had hundreds!
I know. They were all me.
[gasps] That's it!
Come on, girls.
Let's get this funeral started.
[all yelling]
[static]
[angry growling]
[dramatic music playing]
[fizzling]
Good. Keep it up.
Taking revenge on us
will bond you even more closely.
Dammit!
The one in the coffin's still alive!
I'll hold her down!
Someone stab her with a wooden stake!
Yes, make me your common enemy.
- Your friendship will be ironclad.
- Just shut up!
[dramatic music playing]
Get her!
[friends grunting, yelling]
PHOEBE:
That's right! All together!
Hi-yah!
[sparking]
[clang]
Another job well done.
[gags]
[sentimental sting]