Last Comic Standing (2003) s09e05 Episode Script

Tonight, it's the semifinals.
My ex is building orphanages in Africa.
Dodged that bullet.
to claim a spot in the top ten.
Luckily, they'll all get a little help from guest mentor Wanda Sykes.
Please don't take this the wrong way, - but you need jokes.
- Gotcha.
Find out who moves closer to $250,000, an NBC development deal, and the title of Last Comic Standing? When you get to the semifinals, the heat is turned up a little bit.
Everybody who's left is really, really funny, really smart.
But can they top their first set? It's all about confidence and authority.
I'm so excited to see what they bring tonight.
It's so cool that I get to be a semifinalist.
As a result of being so young, I'm probably the least experienced here.
My parents' love and approval is riding on this competition.
I'm not invited to Thanksgiving this year if I don't win.
- Hey! - Hey! This is the Hunger Games, baby.
The competition is pretty serious right now, but I feel like I could top my set from the invitational.
You had the best set of the night.
After my set, the judges said I have an annoying voice.
I want to get up there, you know, just smack you.
I like my voice.
I can hit all the octaves.
La la la la Hey, everybody.
How you doing? Go up there and just be the awesome people who got yourselves to the semifinals.
If there's anything I can do for you, please let me know.
Without talking to me.
Good luck to all of you.
Please welcome the host of "Last Comic Standing," Anthony Jeselnik! Thank you and welcome to "Last Comic Standing.
" Tonight is our first semifinal show.
The comics will compete for five spots in our top ten and keep their dream alive of winning the title of Last Comic Standing.
Now let's meet the judges: Keenen Ivory Wayans, Roseanne Barr, and Norm Macdonald.
Now we're in the semifinals of "Last Comic Standing," so hold on, 'cause this week we're changing things up.
We brought in a mentor to give the comics advice and prepare them for this week's show, the incredible Wanda Sykes.
And as always, we filmed it, so let's get this amazing show rolling.
Check this out.
My God.
Her! When I saw Wanda, I was like, "Heck yeah!" Aaah! Wanda's advice is going to be amazing.
She is a surgeon with that microphone.
Hitler was with the same chick for, like, 12 years.
Which is that's proof, single people.
There's someone for everybody.
I've heard that one.
You know, "Even Hitler got a girlfriend.
" - So let's change that around.
- Okay.
I was driving on the highway, and I witnessed a very cool like, a nature moment.
Next.
It's a lot of story, but I would try to find - some one-liners in there.
- Okay.
That's Roseanne's biggest note.
Get to it faster.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need jokes.
Gotcha.
If you don't take Wanda Sykes's advice, what kind of idiot are you? That last bit didn't land for me.
But these jokes are a reflection of me.
Okay, man.
- Hey, Clayton.
- How are you doing? - All right, all right, man.
- Good.
- Good to see you.
- Congratulations.
The judges thought you're likable, but Norm Clayton, you had the best set of the night, but I didn't like it.
Just get up there, have fun, do your thing.
You want to show me some? - Yeah, I guess so.
- Okay, cool, yeah.
You hear people bring up, "Don't pull the race card.
" What is the race card? If life was a board game and you pulled the race card, you would be like, "Man.
" Your strength is that you're likable.
Don't go angry 'cause it's going to be hard for us to enjoy it and laugh.
All right, I'm sorry.
I agree with Wanda's advice.
She gave me some really good feedback.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
Great job.
Next step is the semifinals, and I didn't get this far to not keep going.
Here's our first comic of the night.
Please welcome Clayton English.
All right.
All right.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
They talk about racism in the news all the time, so let's be real.
Y'all want to fix it? All right, look, we gotta hang out more.
White people, kick it with your black friends the same way they kick it with you.
My white friends ask me all the time, "Look, we're going to do extreme sports.
"You want to go hang gliding? ATV riding? Wild boar hunting? White-water rafting?" I'm like, "Let's do it.
" But they don't never want to come with me and do black people extreme sports.
No.
They don't never want to get in the car with me.
With no license, no registration.
One headlight out, an expired tag, and then we drive from the hood to the nice part of town and see how far we can get.
No, they never want to go.
As soon as I'm backing out the driveway, like, "Dude, like, for real, like, I don't want to get in trouble.
Like, could you just drop me off?" "No, Scott! "I went hang gliding with you.
You can ride dirty with me.
" I'm from Atlanta.
It's a diverse city, you know.
Right now in Atlanta, they shoot all the zombie movies.
All the zombie movies, all the zombie TV shows that you see, they shoot them in Atlanta, but they don't really represent Atlanta well.
Because they'll hire a British actor to play a redneck character, and he's pronouncing way too many syllables.
You know, he'll be looking for his son.
"Charles! Has anyone seen Charles? Where's Char" I'm like, that's not how real rednecks talk.
I know real rednecks.
Like, their words run together.
It'd be like, "Char! "Boy, get down here right now! Get in this truck! "Hey! Char, come out here right now! Get down here right now, boy!" They don't have no gay characters on the show.
There's gay people in Atlanta.
They didn't survive? There wasn't a gay dude out rollerblading, and he just saw it happening and slid to a stop and skated the other way? Got away 'cause he was in shape? They don't have none of the thugs, none of these dope boys from the trap.
They didn't make it.
All they have is guns and drugs.
They didn't make it? I want to see that episode, where he tried to sell drugs to the zombie 'cause he thought it was a regular crackhead.
I believe that's my time.
I appreciate y'all.
Clayton English.
Destroying.
Great job, Clayton.
Whoo! Loud and clear.
Roseanne, what do you think? I got one word.
Star.
Thank you, thank you.
It was such a great set.
You had so many applause breaks.
The power you bring to it, the love you bring to it, the stuff you lay out, and the ride you take us on, it's just fantastic.
Thanks, appreciate it.
Thank you so much, for real.
I got to say, Clayton, you just came out, you had fun, you took 'em on a ride, everybody went with you.
Um, it was just beautiful to watch.
I enjoyed you very much.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
You remind me a little bit of Tracy Morgan, and when I first met Tracy he was smaller, and he became bigger and bigger and bigger in his character until he was, like, so big.
And that's what I see, sort of, in you, - that you could even go bigger.
- Yeah, yeah.
I think it's the set to beat.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
- Appreciate y'all.
- Clayton English, everybody.
- Great job.
Clayton English.
- Thank you.
Man, that set was everything I needed it to be.
Whoo! Wanda's advice was great.
She told me not to be angry.
She was like, "Come across as likable," and I figured out the way to tool the joke to where it included everybody.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Hopefully I'll be around at the end of the night.
Okay, time for our next comedian.
Please welcome Taylor Tomlinson.
Hi! I just found out that my ex is building orphanages in Africa.
Dodged that bullet, am I right? That was close.
No, it was never gonna work out with him.
We had totally different goals.
Like, he wanted to be married in a few years, and I wanted to be happy in a few years.
He told me once he wanted eight kids.
I was like, "With who?" I am not letting that many people walk out of this.
No, thanks.
Worst part is, I ended that relationship too.
I felt great about it.
I felt so powerful.
I felt like God or Kanye.
It was fantastic.
But even if we wouldn't be broke up, it felt like it was a competition.
Like, he's doing this charity work.
Like, 'cause that's the deal with girls.
We're crazy.
Like, we just want to be important, right? We want you to remember us.
We want to be the one.
Doesn't matter which one.
There are a lot of ones to be, all right? You can be the one he marries, the one that got away, or the one that set his car on fire.
Really doesn't matter.
Yeah, positive or negative, doesn't matter to me.
Hall of Fame, Hall of Shame, as long as my picture's on the wall, understand? Don't get me wrong.
I want to be a good thing that happened to you.
Like, I want to be the reason you quit drinking.
But if I'm not, I'm going to be the reason you start drinking.
I want to be a turning point in your life.
I want to leave a mark on you.
I want to be the art school rejection letter that turns you into Hitler.
Thank you guys very much.
Taylor Tomlinson, everybody.
Turning young men into Hitler.
Now, Roseanne, what's your take on Taylor Tomlinson? Taylor Tomlinson is a fantastic comic, and you're how old? - Good God.
- Thank you.
That's unbelievable.
It's unbelievable that you would bring that level of experience to this already.
Thank you.
I agree with Roseanne.
I think you have a natural gift, and you're a very good writer.
I thought you did a great job.
You topped yourself.
You're so literate.
Those jokes just kept getting stronger and stronger, and then the last joke was like an atom bomb.
Yeah, fantastic.
So yeah.
I'm amazed.
Wow.
Wow, one more time for Taylor Tomlinson.
Good job, Taylor.
So glad it's over.
I was very nervous.
I'm feeling pretty good about it, actually.
Got really good feedback.
I'm a little bit in shock, yeah.
And now presenting "Last Comic Standing's" Top 5 Exit Fails.
Number 5.
Harrison Greenbaum.
This way.
I was running, like, a small business before I started doing stand-up.
Sleeping in my car all of a sudden two nights a week.
It was cool, though, you know.
It's worth it.
Tonight, 20 is being whittled down to 5.
Those are bad odds.
So I just have to go out and do the best I can do.
The air is thicker.
Everything is more intense tonight.
Everything.
Comedy's gotten weird these days, you guys.
You kind of never know who you're going to offend.
You know, like, I was doing this huge breast cancer benefit the other day like, huge And there were these pink ribbons and streamers and balloons everywhere, right? And I go onstage, and I go, "Happy birthday, breast cancer.
" Now I just send a check.
I think you're so funny and so great.
You're just completely fearless.
You know, that takes a lot of confidence.
I'm very impressed with you.
You did great.
I agree with Roseanne.
I thought you were very charming.
Took your presence, took the stage, audience loves you.
- Good job.
- Thank you.
At this stage in the competition, it really is all about living in the confidence of what you do.
If you're confident that you are funny, when you come out, take over.
I can't wait for the President to be white again, so I can go back to not giving a damn.
You see what I'm saying? I'm arguing with Tea Partiers on social media.
I don't know them.
They don't know me.
We cussing each other out first thing in the morning.
I'm taking everything personally like Barack is my uncle.
I can tell you right now, the hardest part about being gay, it is the beauty regimen.
It is it's a lot.
Seriously, if you put me in a group of straight guys, I'm a catch.
If you put me in a group of gay guys, I'm precious.
You present yourself as a gay man in a very non-stereotypical way.
Also, is it just me, or does that look like a bad-ass wedding cake? My youngest kid no longer believes in Santa Claus.
That's a hard conversation.
People always ask, "What age do you tell your kids Santa doesn't exist?" Here's an answer: when you can no longer afford their Christmas list, it's time to tell them.
It's not rocket science.
My son gave me his Christmas list.
I was like, "Yeah, man, he's not real.
I'm sorry.
" Sorry.
I have all my jokes listed, and they're archived in terms of their strength, and for each one I said, "Would Norm like this one? Would Roseanne like this one? Would Keenen like this one?" And I just maximized the equation, and even though there's an audience of 550 in front of me, these three people are the ones deciding my fate.
I'm straight, but I'm not a man's man.
I'm not good with cars or anything.
It's embarrassing.
Like, last week, I got a flat tire right next to a homeless man, so I was looking at him for help.
For once, it was like opposite world.
He's like, "Spare change?" I'm like, "Change spare?" I don't have a lot of money.
I got bored last week.
I wrote my will.
I wrote, "Everything goes to my grandma.
I love her.
" And then I sent it to her just in case she's trying to write her will soon, you know? You're so likable that you can get away with so much.
You did wordplay, and it worked.
You're very masterful.
I really enjoyed it.
Thanks, Sammy.
One last time for Sammy Obeid.
Sammy Obeid.
Let's meet our next comic.
She used to get driven around to all of her shows by her mother, which is how I started out Getting driven around by Andy Erikson's mother.
Please welcome Andy Erikson.
I go to the doctor a lot, which I don't really mind, but I always hate it when the doctor finds out I'm a comedian, you know? Because I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago, and he was like, "Well, laughter's the best medicine.
" You know? I'm like, "Yeah, well, crying's the affordable generic brand.
" I do you guys know do you guys know Meow, meow, I'm a cat.
I was at the casino a couple of weeks ago, and there was a guy there, and he only had one arm, and I was like, "Whoa, you only have one arm? That's so cool.
One arm, yeah!" Then he started complaining.
He was like, "I can't believe they let people smoke here.
"I can't believe they let people smoke in casinos.
It's so bad for you.
" And I was like, "Dude, you only have one arm! Like, you can't complain about the effects of secondhand.
" My favorite story is Noah's Ark.
That's such a fun story.
But I kind of like, if that had been me, I wouldn't have done what Noah did if I had the ability to control animals, you know? I would have been like, "Bring me all the beavers!" Like, "We're building a dam!" So You guys are looking at me like, "Where do you buy your drugs?" But I don't.
I find them.
Thanks, guys.
Have a good night.
Andy Erikson, y'all.
Great job, Andy.
Thanks.
Keenen, it's all about you right now.
I see a lot of comedians try to be characters, but you just being you you are the character, and Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow! - Yeah.
- Yeah, that's me! You're a cat.
Exactly, like, you lost your thought onstage and then went, "I'm a cat! Meow, meow.
" I was like, "What?" I thought maybe you didn't notice I lost my thought.
I thought it was pretty sneaky.
No, you're awesome.
Roseanne, what do you think? Well, I just love you.
You're just a fantastic wordsmith.
Aw, thank you.
And, you know, the darker your material gets, the sweeter it gets.
It was pretty amazing.
You're really great.
Thank you so much.
I agree with Roseanne.
The person that you're most like is Emo.
I love him.
I think I got his number.
Yeah! But if your character is what it is and I love your character, boy, your material has to be strong.
And it's a tougher road to go than other comics, but the material was all very, very strong, so - Thank you.
- Good job.
Thank you so much.
That was really nice, but, Andy, what are the chances that you and Emo Philips are both single? Engagement ring.
Aww.
Guys, I'm up close.
It is made out of cereal.
Andy Erikson, everyone.
Make her feel good.
Great job.
She's very impressive.
Yeah.
"Last Comic Standing's" Top 5 Exit Fails.
Number 4.
Thank you so much.
Thanks.
One last time for Sammy Obeid.
Good job, man.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
Much love.
Appreciate it.
Thank you.
One last time, Sammy Obeid.
Really took his time with that exit.
Welcome back.
Let's meet our next comic.
Please welcome Sheng Wang.
Hi, everybody.
I feel really good right now.
I went to the gym.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
I take group exercise classes, which means I lift weights with ladies.
Yeah, I'm not getting more muscular, but if you play a song by Pink, I could probably recognize it.
It's fun.
It's fun.
My cousin refuses to join me in the class, though.
He says he thinks working out with girls is gay.
Yeah, he prefers to exercise in a more penis-rich environment.
I ride a bicycle.
I like to ride bikes.
People tease me.
People make fun of me because I wear a helmet.
Doesn't bother me.
Not at all.
You know why? Because that's also my favorite kind of humor.
Yeah.
Talking trash about safety.
Like, if I see my dad, and he's taking his blood pressure medication, I'ma get him.
Yeah.
I'm just like, "Yo, check out this heart nerd.
" Over here trying to lower his cholesterol like a little bitch.
Man, I ain't scared of no strokes.
I live with a roommate.
One time I brought home a girl back to the apartment, and my roommate was like, "She's okay.
Honestly, I think you can do better.
" I was like, "Yeah, I could do better.
But better ain't trying to do me.
" Better's out there somewhere trying to do best.
I was like, "Don't worry about me, though, 'cause I'm gonna do okay.
" Thank you guys very much.
That's my time.
I appreciate it.
Sheng Wang, everybody.
Norm, what'd you think about Sheng? Um, I think the final joke, the better to be best, is an instant classic joke, but I was disappointed.
It just seemed to, you know, roll foul.
I thought he hit a home run.
You're a very interesting mix.
You got this Asian intelligence and this Southern swag that just kind of - That's true.
- It just mixes real nice.
I was not disappointed at all.
Appreciate it, appreciate it.
You are a great writer.
Every one of your jokes is a classic.
Aw.
- May I ask a question? - Wait a minute.
I would like to ask Roseanne Well, can I fi go ahead.
Could you name one other classic joke? Yeah, penis-rich environment, killer.
You know, I'm really proud of you, Sheng.
- I think you did great.
- Thank you.
Once again, for Sheng Wang, everybody.
Sheng Wang.
I was pretty happy with the set.
I wish all the judges were completely on board, but overall, I feel like I did what I was supposed to do, so I feel good.
There's another comic waiting in the wings right now.
She got into comedy because her welfare worker thought she was funny, and that's the great thing about welfare workers.
When you need them, they're always laughing at you.
Now let's watch Ms.
Pat try to learn a thing or two from Wanda Sykes.
- Ms.
Pat.
- Hey.
I love Wanda Sykes 'cause she writes great material.
- I like the hair.
- Thank you.
I've never kissed a woman, but I would love to kiss Wanda.
- So how you feeling? - I'm feeling great.
The judges loved you.
Keenen said he likes that you take real life and present it to us where we can laugh at your pain, that's what made Pryor great.
I've been shot two times and hit by a dump truck.
Nobody cares who shot me.
They're like, "Who hit you with a dump truck?" You thought about your next set? - I think so.
- Okay.
When I was a little girl, my mama did not allow me to watch the show "The Dukes of Hazzard.
" On Friday I used to run into my brother All right, that took way too long.
You can cut up a lot of that.
A little nervous doing it just for you, Wanda.
- No.
- I'm sorry.
You don't know how good you ain't until you meet somebody like Wanda.
Aw, no.
You're great.
- Can I hug you? - Yeah, come on.
Okay.
I really want to win "Last Comic Standing," but if my family see that I won $250,000, they're gonna call me.
Thank you, Wanda.
Hey, family, don't call me.
Please welcome Ms.
Pat.
When I was little, me and my cousin used to love to watch the show "The Dukes of Hazzard," but my mama wouldn't allow us to watch it because of the flag on the car because she thought the flag was racist.
So one Friday she catch me watching it, she go and bust in the room, like, "Didn't I tell you don't be watching that racist mess in my house?" I'm like, "Mama, they're supposed to be racing.
They're running from Boss Hogg.
" 'Cause I didn't know anything about racism when I was coming up.
I didn't see white people.
The only time I ever saw y'all was on "The Young and the Restless" and "The Price Is Right.
" Y'all can spin a wheel.
But my girlfriend think everybody is racist, and I keep telling her, I was like, "Everybody is not racist.
" She was like, "Paula Deen is racist.
" I said, "I don't know if Paula Deen is racist.
" But I like when rich white people do racist stuff.
I do.
'Cause let me tell you, before Paula Deen said the N-word, I paid $100 for her pots.
After she said it, I paid $20.
I'm like, "Rachael Ray, can you please say the N-word?" Come on, ladies, don't you want Gucci to say it, so we can get us a real purse? The "Duck Dynasty" dad got in trouble for an article he did in a magazine.
But I appreciate him too, y'all, 'cause after he did what he did, I went to Walmart, and they had his camouflage cups at Walmart for 10¢ each.
So I'm in Walmart with a bucketful of camouflage cups and Paula Deen pots.
Everybody looking at me like, "You gonna buy that racist mess?" I'm like, "You better get some of this racism.
This stuff is on sale.
" Thank you.
Ms.
Pat, everybody.
Roseanne, what do you think about Ms.
Pat? Nobody else brings the kind of edge that Ms.
Pat brings, and she has her own kind of delivery and her unique point of view.
I think you did great.
Well, you know, when you first came out, I was a little nervous.
It just felt like, okay, she's not gonna be able to build from here, but when you got into the racism material, it was so much better than where you started that that's when I really got engaged and I was like, "Wow, she's on another level here.
" That was very good writing and really funny, smart commentary, and I thought it was really, really good.
Thank you.
I hate political comedy.
I find it preachy and just not funny.
But what you do, though, there's a famous phrase, "The personal is the politic," and that's what you do.
- You're an unbelievable comic.
- Thank you.
One more time for Ms.
Pat, everybody.
One more time for Ms.
Pat.
Thank you, Ms.
Pat.
Thanks.
It was her personal take on it that made it funny.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, right.
That she was happy 'cause she found a sale, and I was like - Wasn't that great? - That was such a great idea.
That's so good.
"Last Comic Standing's" Top 5 Exit Fails.
Number 3.
Amir K.
You can tell you're a professional comedian when you have $3.
I would say I'm equal parts nervous and equal parts excited.
I think you always feel a pressure to keep outdoing yourself from round to round.
I've prepped this set a bunch, and now it's just up to the audience and the judges.
Wording is important, right? Like the NAACP I love them The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People.
Let's be honest.
Not that advanced.
They still use the term "colored people.
" But they can't change it, right? They can't update it to African-American because then their group name would just be NAAAA.
The NAACP joke, there is a reason that the organization is called the NAACP, and you can research it and find out what it is and then not do the joke anymore.
Yeah.
We want to encourage people who have talent Obviously if they're here at all, they have talent.
But the hardest thing about being a judge is having to pick only 5 comics from 20 killer comics.
It's gonna be heartbreaking.
You were all over the place tonight.
Like, thematically, I couldn't ever wrap my head around what the narrative of the set was.
If you watched the documentary on Scientology, maybe you could have made your jokes clearer.
Hey, Norm! It's now time to stop being a pharmacist and get out in the world.
I just didn't think it was really very strong.
That's fair.
The first time, I liked Christian, and this time I got to get an urban dictionary.
It was not as good a set.
Everybody seemed to suffer from trying to top themselves.
Tonight, I just didn't feel like it lived up to the expectation.
I didn't hear anything that I haven't heard before.
You know what the worst way to die would be? You know what I think? I think the worst way to die would be on a roller coaster.
That'd have to be the worst way to go, 'cause you're not going to die before it takes off.
It's going to wait until you get to the very top, at the peak.
All of a sudden, you're going to pass out.
You're going to be up there just dangling, you know? And it's going to go around at least three or four times before they know you're dead.
It's gonna be snapping that picture of you You know, I think you're really, really funny, and you had a good set.
However, you were 45 seconds short.
Wow.
Let's keep the show moving and introduce our next comic.
Here he is now, Bryan Kellen.
All right.
Okay, here we go.
Um, I know.
I know, and you're right.
I am a great lover.
It's stupid.
I'm sorry.
I have to admit, though, I know it'll shock a lot of people here that I did actually lose my virginity in high school like normal people.
And I'll never forget that day because I had a basketball game that night, and they always say you shouldn't have sex before you play sports because it'll take the energy out of your legs.
Well, I don't know if that's true, but you shouldn't have sex for the first time before you do crap, right? Because I was worthless on that basketball game, right? The game is going on in front of me.
I'm sitting on the bench, with my eyes rolled back in my head, just, aah.
Like, Coach calls me, "Kellen, you're in the game!" All right.
I go, "God, here we go.
"What? What? What? Anybody else score tonight? What's wrong with you? Come on.
" Coach was like, "What's wrong with you, Kellen?" "I got laid, Coach! I got nothing.
" I speak drunk.
You know what I mean? I can't tell when someone's drunk.
I'll walk in a party.
Some guy will be like,.
I'm like, "Somebody, he lost his keys.
Let's help him out.
" I'll never forget, a long time ago, I went to a club, and I walk up to this girl at a barstool, and she looks pretty cool to me.
So I'm like, "Hey, would you like to dance?" This girl says nothing.
She just smiles.
What the hell kind of dance move is that? And then she couldn't stand up.
It was like her head was too heavy.
She's like, "I can't.
I can't.
" You guys are great.
Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Bryan Kellen, everybody.
Way to go, Bryan.
Roseanne.
You're very gifted with your physical ability.
I don't know how you can do like that.
And you have so much of it.
It was good.
I love that you sacrificed your body for us.
And, you know, it's like Kramer.
They'd put you on a sitcom in two seconds, I believe.
It's extraordinary.
I love it.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
At the beginning of your set, that voice actually worked against you.
It's like, we thought you were going to do this character the whole set, and you did it right at the top, and then you dropped it, and then you showed up.
Get rid of the nervous voice because you don't need it.
Right.
And just do what you do because what you do is amazing.
Thank you very much.
One more time for Bryan Kellen, everybody.
Thank you very much.
"Last Comic Standing's" Top 5 Exit Fails.
Number 2.
Rob Haze.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you very much.
- You made it - Yes.
To the semifinals.
Semifinals, yes.
- Very exciting.
- I'm very excited, yes.
I was born in Venezuela, and I wanted to become a comedian because of my dad.
He was the one cracking jokes.
I really like that.
I'm like, "Man, I love making people laugh.
" What are you thinking about for your next set? I was thinking, like, talking about my mom.
All right, let's hear your set.
All right.
All right, sure.
My mom and my father have been really supportive since I started doing comedy.
Unfortunately, my father passed away, so he didn't get a chance to see me perform.
My mom was just tougher on me, 'cause every time I got in trouble, I had to plan my route I was going to take around the living room, so it would take longer for my mom to catch me.
I'd be like,.
Well, your mom always catches you.
There's always that corner where there's nowhere to go.
If you're going to do this set, then continue to play that character.
- Okay.
- You dropped out of character.
- You did it first.
- Okay, that makes sense.
And also, just, I don't know if you needed it or not.
Yeah.
I want to win "Last Comic Standing" for my dad.
I know he's watching.
And, you know, hopefully I can make him proud.
Here he is now, Francisco Ramos.
What's up, guys? So, guys, I didn't like having an accent when I was growing up, so when I was in school, I would hide it by speaking very slowly, so I'd be walking around school, and people would say hi to me, and I'd be like, "Hey lo.
" Everybody thought I was deaf.
Like, even the deaf kid in my school came up to me like, "Hey, do you know you have an accent?" But now I like having an accent because girls think my accent is cute, you know? See that? So every time I see a hot girl, I thick it up.
So I was at this party, and I saw this girl by herself, so I walk up to her, and I'm like Hola.
My name is, how do you say Francisco.
She turned to her friend.
She's like, "My God, it's that deaf guy from school.
" Latina moms are scary, man.
Growing up, I wish I had a white mom.
Yeah, because white moms, when they wake up their kids, they're sweet, quiet.
They tiptoe to the room.
They're like "Good morning, Skylar.
" My mom woke me up like I'm getting kidnapped all the time.
She came running, screaming, "Francisco,!" My God, it's happening today! My name is Francisco Ramos.
Thank you guys very much.
Thank you.
Francisco Ramos.
Francisco Ramos.
Good job, Francisco.
Keenen, how'd you feel about Francisco? You auditioned for me before.
- Yeah.
- I should have hired you.
Thank you, thank you.
Um, your biggest competition right now is you.
Yeah.
Your last set was so huge, and now you got to come up and try to top that, and I thought that you came as close as you possibly could.
- Thank you.
- Roseanne.
- Um, he's a monster comic.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
We can tell that you love us, and so we love you.
And that face, man, you got a rubber face, and that's really great.
- You blew the roof off.
- Thank you, thank you.
Norm, the audience loved Francisco.
Did you? Yeah, I did, yeah.
I thought the set was almost material-free, to me.
But you're just so funny, and this manic sexuality that you have It's gonna make you a big star.
Thank you.
Francisco is a hot piece of ass.
Give it up for Francisco Ramos.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Francisco Ramos, everybody.
Great job, man.
That hot piece of ass was the funniest thing.
Usually I prefer girls to say that, but since he's a judge, you know, I'll let that one slide.
That was the final performance of the evening, and now the fate of our comics rests in the hands of our honorable judges.
Well, we think there were more than five.
Yeah, I'm saying but these I'm just going with people who had killer sets from beginning to end.
Yeah, so I would say him - One.
- Him, her No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
What about this guy right here? No, I don't think you're right.
And "Last Comic Standing's" number one Exit Fail is One more time for Andy Erikson.
Get out of here.
You're not leaving? Take it.
Take it home with you.
Hey! Andy! Leave the dress.
- We can only do five, right? - Yeah.
It's tough, yeah? I feel like I'll move on because I calculated every choice in that set.
Let me tell you something.
I think I had a really good set.
No regrets tonight.
I want to make it to the top ten, so I hope I do get to advance.
We'll see.
Welcome back.
Our judges have chosen five of tonight's comics to move on to the top ten and keep their dream alive.
Let's get to it.
The first comic moving on is Clayton English.
I'm in there.
I'm in the top ten on "Last Comic Standing.
" Can't beat this feeling.
Taylor Tomlinson.
Francisco Ramos.
Top ten.
I'm really proud, man.
I see myself as the Last Comic Standing.
Andy Erikson.
Man, I am fired up.
They saw something in me, and they don't care if I'm a cat.
And tonight's last comic moving on is Sheng Wang.
I'm super excited to be in the top ten.
I can't believe this is happening.
Sheng Wang! This is amazing.
And there you have it.
For Keenen, Roseanne, and Norm, I'm Anthony Jeselnik.
See you next week.