M*A*S*H (MASH) s09e05 Episode Script

- Four cartons of gauze.
- # Santa Gauze is coming to town # - Forty-eight boxes of cotton balls.
- # Deck the halls # - #With balls of cotton # - # Fa, la, la, la, la la, la, la, la ## The day before Christmas, we're receiving the gift of the magpies.
- Ohh! - Come, come, Doctors.
No fighting.
- After all, there's a truce on.
- Why do you think I'm so happy? The only surgery I'll be doing is on a turkey.
Yes, I'll be coming to the Mess Tent for a prayer and a wing.
- [All Guffawing.]
- What's everybody so happy about? - Don't you know it's Christmas? - [Charles.]
Well, if it isn't Santa's jolly little oaf.
After a few days of dragging Christmas packages around, let's see you be jolly, Roger.
Now, if you want this junk, listen up.
- Hunnicutt, B.
J.
- Whoa! Airmail.
Surly delivery.
- Houlihan, Margaret.
- What do you got? You got anything? - It must be cookies! It even feels fattening! - Oh-ho-ho-ho! - What-What-What-What-What? - Peg's mom's second-finest creation: - Her incredible, world-famous fudge.
- Oh.
- She treats me with great confection.
- Put that someplace safe.
- Like my mouth.
- Here's a piece of resistance for Major Winchester.
It's the third one this week marked "perishable.
" What is this? A ton of pound cake? Klinger, you remind me ofTiny Tim, except that it's your brain that's lame.
Excuse me, troops.
I hate to hex your Xmas, but I bring bad yule tidings.
The supply convoy's been hit by marauders.
Our turkey dinner's been trimmed.
- [B.
J.
.]
Come on.
- Stealing turkeys That stinks.
Don't those guys know there's a war on that's off? Afraid the best we can look forward to is roast leg of Spam.
- [All Complaining.]
- Please, please.
Now, while we're all busy feeling sorry for ourselves, let me give you a little food for thought.
The ones who'll really miss out will be our young guests from the foster home.
Sure.
They'll come to the party expecting turkey and end up with our standard bill of unfair.
Isn't it ironic? They're the refugees, yet we get the care packages.
- They can have my cookies.
- Very sweet, Margaret.
They can have my niece's sugar-cured ham.
I don't need any more air in my spare tire.
I must have something back in my footlocker.
Better chip in than chipped beef, huh? Uh, you Ah, fudge.
They can have this.
I'll just eat my heart out.
Beej, you get the Noble Prize.
We got the makings of a great buffet, just like the smorgasbord down at the Kiwanis back home.
Klinger, I'm appointing you chairman of the food procurement committee.
You get out and canvass all the tents.
Tell 'em to give till it hurts.
- [Wind Whistling.]
- This Christmas schlepping is killing me.
You put your goodies in that sack; I'll put my goodies in this sack.
Don't look at me.
I gave at the office.
Talk to them.
Okay, okay.
Let's see what I got here.
A quart of Old Grand-Dad from my grand old dad.
- Some fruitcake from my nutty Aunt Sarah.
- I'll take the cake.
- You keep your Christmas spirits.
- I'll drink to that.
And now, from the man who has everything I know, because I personally delivered it.
Always ready to do my part.
There you are, my swarthy Samaritan.
- What's this? - These, Corporal, are smoked and succulent oysters.
- Not a whole lot to suck on.
- Remember the old adage.
It's not the size of the gift.
- It's the cost.
- [Hawkeye.]
You must be kidding.
You got three great, big packages this week and all you're comin' up with are a few oysters, Rockefeller? - They were all clothing.
- All chintz, I'm sure.
- Since when do they mark clothing "perishable"? - My business is just that: Mine.
I demand that you terminate this swinish inquisition.
- We'll terminate you if you don't come up with - Please! Please! I'm sure Major Winchester must have a very good reason for what he's doing.
- [Grunts.]
- He's a cheap, selfish skunk, sir.
[Groans.]
Sergeant Rizzo, I need to sign out that jeep.
S Sergeant Rizzo.
It's the timing.
The timing is off.
- Well, I'm sure you could fix it in your sleep.
- Well, well.
If it isn't the spirit of Christmas hisself.
- Good news travels fast.
- The word is the rich get richer and the poor get oysters.
- Sergeant, about the jeep - No problem.
No problem, Major.
- I'm sure you have your D.
R.
-3.
- D.
R.
-who? - The authorization form.
It means you got permission.
- I know what it means.
In triplicate, signed by the president of your fan club and our company clerk.
- Sergeant, surely we can overlook the - Oh, no, no.
Mm-mmm, Major.
No.
Just because I don't read too good doesn't mean that I don't do things by the book.
Sergeant, perhaps I can appeal to your more masculine instincts.
- Come again? - I need the jeep for an assignation.
- You're gonna kill somebody? - [Grunts.]
A tryst.
A rendezvous.
- Date.
- Ohh.
Oh-ho-ho.
I get it.
A word to the wives is efficient, huh? - [Both Laughing.]
- Precisely.
I'm sure that a man of the world such as yourself Enough said.
Enough said.
You cheap rascal.
- You're saving your yummies for some babe.
- [Laughs Deviously.]
- You are a crumb, but I respect you for it.
- Good.
Just let me know if she's got a friend.
- Will do, sport.
Maybe we can double sometime.
- Hey, yeah! ##[Klinger Humming "Twelve Days Of Christmas".]
[Potter.]
Klinger, do you have a needle and thread handy? Uh, should be here somewhere, sir.
What's up? What's down is the problem.
The suit I can stuff with pillows but I'd have to have a head the size of MacArthur's to hold up this Kriss Kringle cap.
- Be right with you, sir.
- [Sniffing.]
Every time I sniff this room, I feel like I've died and gone to the A&P.
Oh, thank you, son.
Now, would you be Santa's helper and thread this for me? - Mm-hmm.
- Seems like they're making these holes smaller every year.
What are elves for, sir? ## [Humming "Twelve Days Of Christmas".]
Christmas carols! I love 'em.
We gotta do some of that at the party tomorrow.
Way ahead of you, sir.
That's why I've been writing down the words.
I'm gonna make copies for everybody.
It's amazing how many of the old holiday songs I remember by heart.
"Three French horns, two turtlenecks and a partridge in a pair of trees.
" You're right.
It is amazing.
[Engine Cuts Out.]
[Frogs Croaking, Insects Chirping.]
- Uh - May I help you, sir? Uh Uh, no, no.
Uh, I'm just a friend from the 4077 th.
Oh, yes.
The children in my care are invited to your camp tomorrow.
- Yes.
- Is there a problem? N-No.
I'd I brought these for the children.
- You are very kind, Major - Winchester III.
And I am Choi Sung Ho.
Oh.
[Chuckles Softly.]
"Wallingford and Chadwick Confectioners.
" Yes, these are very special.
They're hand-poured by the finest chocolatiers in Boston.
We are very grateful.
Oh, please come in.
- Allow the children to show their appreciation.
- No, no.
You don't understand.
I cannot I'm sorry.
See, on Christmas Eve it's a tradition in my family to leave this particular gift at places like this.
But part of the custom also holds that for it to be a true act of charity the gift must remain anonymous.
Ahh.
That is a lovely thought.
You have practiced this for many years? Oh, my.
Yes.
Some of my earliest recollections of childhood are associated with it.
I still remember being with my mother, father and sister, Honoria and watching, fascinated as Mr.
Wallingford hand-wrapped each morsel and then later wiping a peephole in the auto's frosted window and watching my father quickly leave the packages I mean, we can't have the little urchins begging in the street, now, can we? Remember.
- Not a word.
- Not a word.
Well, I hope you know you're ruining it for the rest of us.
- What? - Santa will never show up while you're awake.
Silly guy.
Don't you know you're supposed to be asleep, with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head? - You call yourself a WASP.
- I been doin' this ever since I was a kid.
Something magic about Christmas.
You never outgrow the memories.
My family always used to put up a nativity scene.
One year, I got this great set of electric trains.
I laid the track all around the village, put the three wise men in the caboose.
I was the conductor.
"Next stop: Bethlehem.
" As a kid, my father would lift me on his shoulders to put the Christmas angel on top.
Course, he lost that job by the time I was 11.
This would've been Erin's first year on my shoulders.
- [Sighs.]
- That's okay, Beej.
We'll get 'em next year.
- Hey.
Here they come.
- Now we can start the party.
- [Woman.]
Merry Christmas, kids! - [Soldiers Chattering.]
- Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas! [Mulcahy.]
Welcome, Mr.
Choi.
Merry Christmas to you and to your children.
Thank you, Father.
We are most grateful for your invitation.
It is we who are in your debt.
After all, what's Christmas without children? Hey, come on, kids! It's party time! Wait'll you see what Santa brought you.
Come on.
Come on.
What's the matter? [Speaking In Korean.]
Please forgive them.
No matter what I tell them, they're still afraid of uniforms.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Uniforms scare me too.
I'll get rid of this! I even get nervous around movie ushers.
You don't believe me? Ask anybody.
I've been trying to get out of this outfit ever since I got into this outfit.
The only trouble is, once you get out of the green, you start turning blue.
- [All Giggling.]
- [Speaking In Korean.]
- All right, children.
Let's all have some fun.
! - Come on! Come on! - [All Chattering.]
- [Mulcahy Shouting In Korean.]
[Klinger.]
Give me a kid and let me get into the Mess Tent.
- Give me a small one.
- [Horn Honking.]
[Chattering Continues.]
[Klinger.]
I'll take that one.
Come on, Hawk.
Let's go, before they run out of powdered eggnog.
All right! All right! Don't rush me! I barely had time to put on my face.
- [Margaret.]
Doctors.
! - Why, Margaret, you're a sight for four eyes.
Come on.
We've got trouble.
Somebody's been hit by a sniper.
That lousy snipers' union.
They don't even get Christmas off.
[Hawkeye.]
What is it? What happened? I found him by the side of the road.
I don't even know how long he was there.
- Sorry to ruin your holiday.
- Forget ours.
His is shot to hell.
- Let's get him into pre-op.
- Can I help? - Yeah.
Hey, what do you say we keep the noise down? There's a party going on, next tent.
See these? They're Kellye's Munchable Macadamias.
Mmm.
Try some.
Mmm.
Go ahead.
They're Hawaiian peanuts.
Mmm.
Try it.
Try it.
Oh, and of course we have a second course, which is - Rizzo, what is this? - Come on, Klinger.
You gotta be pullin' my leg.
No.
I'm holdin' my stomach.
You tellin' me you hadn't ever seen hog jowls and pigs' feet? This is the best of the bayou.
Maybe you don't appreciate a little heaven on the hoof, but I know these kids will.
Here you go.
Must be from North Korea.
Ahh, here's something.
A tiny tin of oysters donated by Charles Ebenezer Winchester.
He understands less about Christmas than you do.
Hold it.
You ever eat the eraser off of a pencil? They're blech! Can you say "blech"? - Blech! - Very good! - All together now.
- Blech! - How's his pulse? - Thready.
Not good.
- I'll get the plasma.
- Forget it, Margaret.
That won't do any good.
No hope.
Bullet must have destroyed his brain stem.
- [Sighs.]
Oh, God.
- What? "To the best husband and daddy in the world.
Come home soon.
We love you.
Scott, Jeannie and Lynn.
" Margaret, set up two units of plasma.
- What for? It's a waste of time.
- Doctor, if there's no point If we can delay it long enough, his kids won't have to think of Christmas as the day their daddy died.
[Revving.]
What do you say we bring this baby in for a landing? - Refuel! - Here you go! Cookies baked in the good old U.
S.
Of A.
- These are really delicious.
- Delicious? Oh, say it again.
- It'll be another year before I hear that word.
- Very good.
Sorry, Major.
We're running a little low on these.
Why don't you belly up to the oyster bar? Hey, Romeo.
Well, if it isn't the popular mechanic.
- Hey, how'd your little romantic assassination go? - Oh, the date? - Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
- Where did you get that? - The arm? It's mine.
I swear it.
No, no.
The chocolate bar, you chicken-fried snake! - I bought it this morning.
- From whom? A guy came in from Seoul.
He got it on the black market.
- Black market? - Yeah.
You want some? I'll get you some.
Free.
Free.
All you want.
Just let me live.
Give me that.
- Hello, my little friend.
- Hello, Joe.
Ooh, good! You speak English.
Tell me.
Did you get any nice presents for Christmas? A dolly or train or candy bar? Oh, yes.
Number-one, good B.
J.
Fudge candy.
- Oh.
Anything else? - Rubber oyster things.
Blech! [Half Chuckles.]
Did you get any other candy - something like this, perhaps, here or at Mr.
Choi's? - No.
- What about your little friends? - Nope.
I see.
Here you are, little one.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to mingle now.
He lettered in basketball at Central High.
"Denny and Lynn 4-ever.
"Funland Arcade.
Gouldsboro, PA.
August '47.
" - On the back, there's a four-leaf clover.
- Not valid outside the U.
S.
A.
His respirations are getting very shallow.
His rate is down to six per minute.
Set up the twist drill, Margaret.
Some burr holes may ease the intercranial pressure.
Hang on, Flannigan.
Hang on.
I was hoping somebody forgot to turn off the lights.
Looks like I was wrong.
A driver found him beside the road, Colonel.
That's all we know for sure.
We figure the three of us can handle it.
No point pooping everybody's party.
- How bad is he? - [B.
J.
.]
He's doin' okay.
- [Hawkeye.]
No chance.
Little conflict in diagnosis here.
You wouldn't lie to Santa, would you, son? A family's Christmas wreath should be green, not black.
- He dies on Christmas, they have to live with it.
- I get the picture but you're talkin' hours pretty long odds.
- He's in good hands, Colonel.
- We got our best people on it.
If you three don't take the cake.
Should anyone ask, I'll tell 'em you're workin' on a special Christmas present for some kids back home.
- There you are, you mendacious lowlife! - I don't understand.
Don't play the innocent with me.
How dare you steal candy from babies? Please, Major.
- May we step outside? - You took the words right out of my mouth.
Go ahead.
Go on.
Deny it.
Deny it, if you can.
You took the Christmas candy I gave you, and you sold it on the black market.
- Have you no shame? - May I explain? No! What you may do is retrieve that candy immediately and have it in the children's stockings by morning; otherwise they're gonna find you hanging by the chimney without care! - Major, I cannot.
The money is gone.
- You - parasite! - ##[Revelers Singing.]
Please.
Your generous gift and insistence that it remain anonymous touched me deeply.
The candy would've brought great joy to the children for a few moments but on the black market, it was worth enough rice and cabbage - to feed them for a month.
- ##[Ends.]
- Rice and cabbage? - I know.
I have failed to carry out your family tradition.
And I am very sorry.
On the contrary.
It is I who should be sorry.
It is sadly inappropriate to give dessert to a child who's had no meal.
Shall we share some, as you say, Christmas cheer? [Ironic Chuckle.]
No.
Thank you.
Please go ahead.
- Okay.
Ready? - [Chattering.]
- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas! - Santa Claus! - Merry Christmas! - I told you Santa Claus would get here! - He was just making his list and checking it twice.
- There's one for you and you.
Remember? I told you he lives way up at the North Pole.
Get your prayer kit and hightail it over to pre-op.
Mum's the word.
Of course, Colonel.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Excuse me.
Well, well, well.
Have you been a good little boy? The same.
- My Lord, does it never stop? - You're just in time, Father.
- It's that bad? - He's comin' up.
The burr holes helped.
- What's his blood pressure? - Ninety over 60.
Attaboy, Flannigan.
I knew you could do it.
- Time? - 9:48.
- [Hawkeye.]
Still a long way to go.
- He'll make it.
- He's stopped breathing.
- Come on.
Damn you.
Fight! - Beej, how much fight can he have left in him? - Excuse me, B.
J.
- No.
- I beg your pardon? - You can't have him yet.
- I have to administer the He's still mine! You're not gonna pull a shroud over him! - Beej, easy.
- B.
J.
I'm not pulling the shroud over him.
I'm going to administer the last rites.
- Sorry, Father.
It's been a long night.
- Let the man do his job.
- I said no! Not now.
- Listen to me, B.
J.
I try to stay out of the way because what you people do here is so important but, understand, at a time like this, what I have to do is just as important.
And no one, not you nor anyone else is going to stand between me and the performance of my sacred office.
I'm sorry, Father.
Ah, Major Winchester, the party of one.
- Dinner is served.
- What is this? Well, let me see.
For your appetizer, the last of the macadamias followed by a mixed grill of Lebanese salami, sugar-cured ham, pigs' feet and hog jowls.
We have seconds on those.
Sorry, sir.
No smoked oysters.
I just smoked the last one.
- But l - And for dessert, Frisco fudge and nutty fruitcake.
- All laced with hemlock, I'm sure.
- Sorry, sir.
No hemlock.
- But I can get you ketchup.
- And what, pray tell, is the catch of the day? - Oh, just one catch, Major.
- Uh-huh.
The source of this Christmas dinner must remain anonymous.
It's an old family tradition.
- Thank you, Max.
- Merry Christmas, Charles.
I'm still getting a pulse, but it's awfully thready.
- What time is it? - 11:25.
Come on, kid.
We're almost there.
- No pulse.
- Come on.
- I'm not getting anything.
- Come on.
Nothing.
- Adrenaline.
One to 10,000.
- No.
It's over.
Let him rest.
[Sighs Heavily.]
Never fails to astonish me.
You're alive you're dead.
No drums.
No flashing lights.
No fanfare.
You're just dead.
I'll get the death certificate.
Look.
He made it.
Time of death: 12:05, December 26.
- Falsify a record.
- Christmas should be thought of as a day of birth.
- That'll be a first for me.
- War is full of firsts.
And lasts.
[Revelers.]
#Long lay the world # - #In sin and error pining # - [Sighs Deeply.]
Oh, ho, hold it right there.
Well, well, well.
Santa happens to know you've been very good boys and girls today and because of that, we've got a special present for ya.
- Elf? - Fudge.
All the way from Mill Valley, California.
- Last four pieces.
- #Sleep in heavenly # - Merry Christmas.
- #Peace # Merry Christmas.
#Sleep # #In heavenly peace ##