My Family (2000) s09e05 Episode Script

Hi, darling.
How was your day? Fine.
Yours? Fine.
Ben, do you remember the time we used to ask about each other's days and actually care about the answer? I say yes here, don't I? - I'm serious.
- Yes.
Of course I remember.
I remember coming home from work and no matter what sort of day I had, you'd spend ages asking me how it went.
And I'd do the same for you.
- Those conversations used to drag.
- Killer.
Ben, do you think we're becoming too safe as a couple? Too predictable? Speak for yourself.
I'm a lone wolf, a maverick, a wild card.
I don't play by society's rules, baby, becau You're making crumpets.
Ooh.
Why can't you just admit it? We're settling into a comfortable Don't! Don't say middle age.
Middle age? Since when do people live to 110? I'm just saying we're both settling into a comfortable pattern.
Our kids are all grown up.
They don't need us any more.
- Of course they do.
- (Michael) Mum.
Just to say I won't be around for dinner.
I'll be out late tonight.
You see? They don't even need my cooking any more.
I don't think "need" really entered the equation, darling.
Big night, Mikey? Yeah, going for curry with the guys after my therapist appointment.
So I'll see you tomorrow.
- Your what? - My psychotherapist appointment.
- You're seeing a therapist? - Dr Twelvetree.
He's great.
See you.
- Wow, I did not see that coming.
- Yeah! Twelvetree is a weird name, isn't it? You know what today is, don't you? Bzzz.
Thursday.
Oh, no, wait, it's Monday.
No.
No, today is our three-month anniversary.
- Wow, that's gone fast, hasn't it? - That's exactly what I was thinking.
Gwyneth, there's something I'd like to ask you.
- Would you erm? - Yes! Yes, I will! Wait, I should let you ask properly.
OK.
Would you help me shift the sofa? I think I kicked the remote under here.
Oh.
OK.
- Who's Nick? - A mate of mine.
Really nice guy.
"Dear all.
Having a great time in South America.
"PS.
If someone called Alfie Butts shows up claiming to be a mate, "under no circumstances let him stay" I knew I should have burnt that.
You know, Alfie, until I met you I thought I was in love with my last boyfriend, Tony.
But I wasn't.
I'm in love with you.
Move in with me.
- What? - I'm serious, move in with me.
I'm a valued member of this family now.
They love me.
Mr Harper.
How would you feel about Gwyneth moving in? Great, she can have your room.
Nice knowing you, Alfie.
You're still thinking about Mikey, aren't you? - How can you tell? - I don't know, 28 years of marriage.
And that book's upside down.
Ben, my son is seeing a therapist.
What could have driven him to this? Have we not paid enough attention? - Ben.
- What? Mm-hm.
Sorry.
This is important.
Yep.
My poor baby could have serious problems.
Maybe that's one of them.
You calling our 20-year-old son your baby.
Your point is? You, you over-mother him.
If I over-mother him it's because you under-father him.
All I'm saying is, you could have passed on some of your issues.
- My issues? What about your issues? - I don't have issues.
What? What about you and your father? OK.
That's right.
Dig up a dead man.
Yes.
Who could forget his "heart attack"? Susan, the man ate a lot of fatty food.
My car backfired.
End of story.
Oh.
This is crazy.
We always do this.
Why do we always blame each other? Maybe that's your issue.
We have to stop this and find a way of helping Michael.
How can we help if we don't know what's wrong with him? Maybe Maybe we should go and talk to this therapist? Maybe not.
Maybe I should sort out this problem with a little father-son chat.
Did it occur to you that your father-son chats may have put him there in the first place? - You spoil him.
- You're hypercritical.
- You're overbearing.
- You're emotionally constipated.
And this is us not blaming each other, right? (Fumbling at the door) You need to fix this door.
- It's sticking.
- Yes, I know it's sticking.
Where have you been? I went to see Dr Twelvetree.
The therapist? What did he say? When I told him my son was his patient, he refused to discuss it.
What? And you just left? No.
We talked.
You talked about what? You, mainly.
You talked about me? What? For how long? Three hours.
He wanted more.
Hang on.
Hang on.
What did you say about me? - Stuff.
- What stuff? That's between me and my therapist.
You had the opportunity to go with me.
Look, I can help Mikey without sitting on a couch listening to some doctor droning on all day.
- What did you do instead? - Sat on the sofa watching Quincy.
So, you never did that father and son chat? That's a shock.
- You're all talk and no action.
- You want action? You want to see me in action? Here's me in action.
This is me dealing with a situation, OK? When there's a problem, baby, I fix it.
- You need to jiggle it.
- I know I need to jiggle it! My life story.
Hi, Alfie.
Long time no see.
Tamsin.
How did you find me? The newsagents in the village.
I realised you were still getting them to send you those erm magazines.
I do like farmyard equipment.
I remember.
Come in.
- What are you doing here? - I'm meant to be getting married.
Oh, no, sorry, I don't perform weddings any more.
Not after Swansea.
The Burns Unit was busy that night.
That's not what I mean.
I came here because I love the guy I'm meant to be marrying but he's just not erm he's just not erm What? Well, he's just not you.
Tamsin, I'm erm, I'm seeing someone.
Alfie, I saw the expression on your face when you answered.
I can't help my face.
No.
The way you looked at me.
Look, just tell me you don't still feel something.
OK.
If you must know, yes, I've always carried a torch for you.
And, not just because of the temperamental power supply in the village.
I thought so.
Look, just think about it.
Maybe I could pop around in a day or so? But only if it won't complicate things.
No, it won't.
Yes, it will.
OK.
Time to delve into the psyche of Mikey.
Oh.
Each to his own, I guess.
I can't believe you're snooping around in your own son's bedroom.
Uh-huh! What are you doing here? Excuse me, I'm just dropping off his laundry.
Either Mikey's issues are more complicated than we thought or that is not his laundry.
I was just trying to get a little insight.
Don't go into that drawer.
You'll get more insight than you bargained for.
Hey, Alfie.
Why don't you come around Jameson's house? He's got the beers in, there's a load of us.
Michael, can I ask your advice about something? (Mobile rings) Sorry, one sec.
Michael Jameson, you old booze hound.
I tell you, I need a black coffee already.
No! (Michael laughs) Er, Michael, Michael, Michael.
You have a serious problem.
Get yourself together, you're on the brink of losing it, big time.
Michael, that is an insane idea.
Wait, wait.
Why can I hear voices? I don't care what they want me to do, I'm not doing it, it will just make my head pound.
Michael, seriously, you need to be locked away.
You're mental.
It's worse than we thought.
How did things get this bad? It's all my fault, Susan.
No, no, come on.
Let me go on.
Because I made a pig's ear out of Nick and Janey, but to see Mikey like this.
I mean, there's isn't a pig with a big enough ear.
It's not your fault.
- I never thought it'd come to this.
- I know.
Poor Mikey.
I mean, me saying it's my fault and you saying it isn't.
I'm just saying it's both our faults.
- Do you know what we should do? - Go and search his room again.
Ben, if you want one of those magazines, I'll buy you one.
We need to talk to him together.
As parents.
He needs our understanding and our sensitivity.
You're right, darling.
You're right.
You're so right.
I'm not going to desert him in his hour of need.
No.
I'm a parent and he needs me.
And I'm going to stand by him, Susan, because he's my son and I love him.
But, at this moment in time, he scares the hell out of me.
Alfie, have you been sitting there since last night? I couldn't sleep.
I've been wrestling with my conscience.
Why am I picturing two Smurfs in a ring? Go on then.
What is it? You see, things have been going very well with Gwyneth, this girl I've been seeing.
But then, yesterday I saw "the one that got away".
Isn't that what sheep dogs are for? I am talking about Tamsin, my very first love.
My question again, isn't that what sheep dogs? Janey, please.
Tamsin is about to cancel her wedding to be with me.
The problem is, I'm in love with Gwyneth too.
So, if I say yes to Tamsin, I ruin a marriage and I break Gwyneth's heart.
But, if I say no, then maybe I'm saying no to my one chance of true happiness.
So, what do I do? For starters, can you put it up on a blackboard, it's a bit complex.
It's really simple, Janey.
Gwyneth or Tamsin? Not the two girl thing again.
When you manage to get one girl, we'll ask your opinion about two.
You know, if I wasn't so hung over I would have a really clever reply to that.
By the way, have you noticed Mum and Dad acting a bit weird? Huh! Only since I came out of the womb.
I think I need some fresh air.
- So, Janey.
- Hm? Who do I go for? There's one thing I've learnt about relationships and it's a hard lesson to learn, yet some people go a lifetime without learning it, and, believe me, I went through a lot of heartbreak before I finally learnt it myself.
So, what is it? No.
Sorry, it's gone.
My God.
He's here.
What are we going to say? - Just be yourself.
- Yeah.
Act natural.
Act natural.
- Morning! - Morning.
- Hi, Mikey.
- Darling.
- Hello, son.
- Sweetheart.
Mm-mm-mwah! What's wrong with you two? Nothing.
We're normal.
Everything's perfectly normal.
Most importantly, you're normal.
I don't feel it.
Well, I guess I can only blame myself.
So, not us then? - What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? I'm talking about what I did to myself last night.
Oh God! What did you do last night? No.
No.
Don't pressure him, Ben.
Darling Darling, whenever you feel ready to share it with us, we're here.
This always happens when I see those people.
They just egg me on.
And can you see those people now? "See them now"? I barely survived last night.
Are you trying to kill me or something? - No! - No one's trying to kill you.
Absolutely not! Everything's fine, 100% tickety-boo.
Let me get you some breakfast.
This is going to sound weird but I could really go for some cheese.
- That's not weird, is it, Susan? - No, it's not weird at all.
Only the other morning we both had a huge plate of of cheese.
- Didn't we, Ben? - Loved it.
Cor, we had cheddar.
- Stilton.
- And Camembert.
- Jarlsberg.
- Oh, yeah.
The Dutch.
The Dutch.
You know the Dutch? They love cheese for breakfast.
And a more stable, level-headed, well-balanced group of people you could not wish to find.
Could you just get me some sodding cheese? (Susan) Sorry.
Sorry.
(Susan) Here we are.
- Crackers? - Easy.
It's no good, I need to lie down.
You two are doing my head in.
- Oh! - Oh, bravo, Ben.
You were great! You said he was crackers.
What was all that stuff about the Dutch? OK.
Here we go blaming each other.
It's just so natural, isn't it? - So, what do we do now? - I've got an idea.
I've got an idea.
Come on, let me think.
I know.
I know.
We'll go and see the therapist.
Wow! Who'd have thought of that! - Oh, wait, me, yesterday.
- No.
No, no, no.
Wait.
Wait.
We go to see the therapist together.
Oh, wow! Who'd have thought of that! Oh, wait, me, yesterday.
Oh, hello, Mrs Harper.
Nice to see you again.
Er, we need to see Dr Twelvetree.
- Oh, he's not in.
- Ah.
When will he be back? Sorry.
He's away.
I see.
Could you have him call us as soon as he gets back? It's all right, Susan, I'll handle this.
Erm, OK.
Seems we have a little problem here, don't we? You and I know Dr Twelvetree is sitting behind that door.
Sir, he's away on holiday for two weeks.
Sure.
And I was born yesterday.
It's all right, I'll handle this.
- My son has a problem - Yes, I can see that.
Mm-hm.
And I want to see that doctor right now.
OK? So, get back to filing your nails or whatever you do, while I see how Dr Twelvetree is enjoying his holiday.
If you'd have him call us as soon as he gets back I'd be really grateful.
OK.
OK.
We gave it a shot.
That's it? That's it? "We gave it a shot.
" I'm not hanging around for two weeks to find out what's wrong with our son.
Why not? You'd rather wait until he puts on a wedding dress and sets fire to the house? - You've got a point.
- We have to think of something.
Hide the wedding dress and buy a smoke alarm.
Great.
You have opinions and solutions for everything, even problems that don't exist, and yet the one time I need you for something, you have nothing.
Come on.
You think of something and I'll go with your solution.
Fine.
Get me a crowbar.
He's our son, Susan.
I mean, hitting him with a crowbar's a bit harsh.
I meant we're going to break into the surgery tonight.
Of course we are.
Brilliant.
Why not forget the crowbar and get some nitro-glycerine.
Or we could dig a tunnel from downstairs.
- I'm serious.
- You're going crazy.
Let's go home.
I'll come back in the morning and use the Harper charm on that receptionist.
- So you are giving up? - Come on.
Let's go.
- Ben.
- Susan, I'm s We're going home.
- Ben.
- What are you? Susan! Susan.
I saw the receptionist go to the loo.
Now's our chance.
At what? Getting done for breaking and entering? - Finding Michael's file.
- Susan, you're mad.
You can't do this.
Susan.
Where do you think he keeps his files? - In a filing cabinet? - Brilliant.
- Susan, this is a crazy idea.
- Shh! Shh! G, H.
This is it.
- Oh, damn.
- Oh, well, well.
You gave it a shot.
- I'll give you a shot in a minute.
- This is a sign.
It's God saying, "Go home and watch Silent Witness.
" We're not leaving.
(Door opening) You're right.
We're not leaving.
Oh.
Hi.
You must be Tam Gwyneth.
- No, not Tamgwyneth, just Gwyneth.
- Oh.
- I've heard all about you.
- Ah.
So, how are things going between you two? You know full well how things are going, Janey.
Wonderfully.
- So, not putting any decisions off? - Janey.
Isn't it time you weaved your merry way, preferably outside the house? I've got better things to do than hang around here.
Oh, hello.
Is Alfie here? I'm Tam - Tamsin.
- Yeah.
Come on in.
Come on in.
Alfie, you have a guest.
Another one.
- Tamsin.
- Alfie? Gwyneth.
Alfie.
Tamsin? I think you'd both better sit down.
I'll make popcorn.
Do you think we could go a whole day without hiding behind a door? She must be going home.
We're going to be trapped here.
It's all right.
Relax.
Don't worry.
As long as they've not got a security alarm we're fine.
(Alarm keypad tones) (Alarm activated beeping) (Door closing) You don't have anything planned for tonight, do you? So now you know who each of you are that should make things slightly less awkward.
(Laughs nervously) Despite Janey having decided to join us.
Look, Alfie.
I know Gwyneth is your girlfriend, but when I saw you the other day it only made me even more uncertain about marrying Steve.
Oh.
Tricky scenario.
Yes, thank you, Janey.
I promise you, the last thing I want to do is come between you and Gwyneth.
Yeah, right! I mean it, because I do love Steve.
Maybe all of this is just pre-wedding jitters.
Oh but, Alfie, we've known each other since we were kids (Gwyneth clears throat) so I know when you're truly happy and when If you want me to go, I'll go right now and marry Steven and I'm pretty sure I'll be happy too.
(Janey chuckling) This girl is good.
Sorry.
Who are you, again? Sweetheart, I'm the girl you never want to go up against.
Oh.
And your boyfriend is where? Whoa! Whoa! Janey, could you go in the kitchen and find something to do that lasts about half an hour? Like what? Oh, let's see.
You have a head, there's an oven Wup! Right! Find Mikey's file.
Susan, please.
Susan.
Oh.
I'm sure he can afford another one.
- Susan, let's go - Wait.
I've had an idea.
Susan, don't touch the door, you'll trigger the alar What are you going to do, pole vault into the filing cabinet? - Brute force is what's needed here.
- This any good to you? - Be quiet.
What? - Is this any good? You'll never prise it open with that, it's way too small.
Susan, this is the key.
Here we are.
Here we go.
We've got, ooh, Hansen, Arga.
Arga Hansen.
Harper.
Susan Harper.
No, no.
Don't even think about it.
OK.
Michael Harper.
Oh.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Why? I don't think this is a very good idea.
It was your idea.
Think about it, Ben.
The moment we open that file, we cross a line from which we can never return.
Not only is it an invasion of privacy it's a betrayal of trust.
I hear what you're saying.
I hear what you're saying.
- You're making sense.
- Thank you.
You know when it would have made even more sense? Before we got stuck in here? Bingo.
Look, Alfie, I think you need to make a choice here.
Hm! I'm sorry, Tamsin, I can't tell you whether or not to marry Steve.
All I can say is, sometimes you've got to put everything aside and just follow that delicate little muscle you call your heart.
You're right.
You make a lot of sense, Alfie.
I do love Steve.
I think I'm just scared of letting go of the past.
Listen, I wish you two all the best.
Thank you.
Well, that's one way to spend an evening.
Ha.
So, it's just you and me.
Where were we? You know, Alfie, all that stuff you were saying about following your heart really made sense.
- Thank you.
- Goodbye.
What? I'm going back to Tony.
No, no, no, no! You can't.
No, don't listen to me, I'm just an idiot.
No.
You're not.
You're very wise.
I'm honoured to have known you.
Huh! Fan-bloody-tastic.
Ooh, Alfie.
Alfie, Alfie, Alfie.
I finally remembered that piece of advice I meant to give you.
OK.
Never, ever break up with one person when the other person is still in the room or you might lose them both.
Uh I'm too late, aren't I? - Gas mark six.
- Gas mark six.
So, let's just recap, shall we? We're stuck in an office we cannot leave with a file that we're not allowed to read.
- Yep.
- Great.
And you're sure we're not allowed to read it? Absolutely.
We've got nothing else to do.
I don't care, we're not reading it.
How are we going to help Mikey if we don't know what he's going through? But we're not helping Mikey.
We're just helping us deal with Mikey.
Mikey's already getting help.
All we can do is be there for him.
Sure.
OK.
OK, you're right, Mrs Freud.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Ben we can't open that door, we'll set off the alarm.
Not if I deactivate it.
And how, exactly, are you planning to do that? Please, please.
Pass codes are never random, Susan.
Just got to get into their mindset, OK? It's called applied logic.
- Since when did you apply logic? - Shh-shh.
Please.
Trying to concentrate.
Oh, yeah.
What? What? It's so simple.
Whose office are we in? - Dr Twelvetree.
- Twelve-tree.
Twelve-tree.
OK? One and two for the twelve.
And we've got a T, we've got an R, and we've got an E-E.
(Beeps once) Uh-huh? Uh-huh? (Alarm sounds) Quick.
I am very disappointed with you two.
You've embarrassed me.
What's more, you've embarrassed yourselves.
If you wanted to know why I was seeing a therapist, you only had to ask.
Do you really want to know why I went? Well, I'll tell you.
Sit.
Oh God, he's going to tell us.
I'm taking a class.
What? Our psychology lecturer thought it would be a good idea for us to see how patients get treated.
Good night.
Oh, and stay out of my room.
It was for a psychology class.
- I was never worried.
- Me neither.
I mean, we're very good parents.
We are.
We're caring and attentive.
- And we listen.
- We do.
I could have sworn he was studying Economics.
I thought it was French.