Not Going Out (2006) s09e05 Episode Script
Pants on Fire
1 # We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around With my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Lee? Lee? I think he's going deaf.
He has the TV volume up like it's an old people's home.
Toby wears headphones.
For TV or music? Just generally around the house.
Well, luckily, the kids are heavy sleepers.
We've been watching this brutal Scandinavian crime series on Netflix.
It's brilliant.
It's about a spate of killings and Don't tell me! Oh, are you watching it, too? No, it's just very boring listening to people describe box sets on Netflix.
Anyway, I'd better get going and hide this shopping.
I have to be secretive.
Toby hates me spending money.
It causes all sorts of rows.
I bet he'll like all that sexy lingerie.
Well, I'm saving that for our trip to Tuscany.
A different, brand-new set of underwear for every day of the week.
Ooh, I might suggest that idea to Lee.
You know, changing his underpants every day.
I want it to be a surprise, so don't mention anything when you see Toby later.
Later? Tonight.
You and Lee are still coming round for dinner, aren't you? Oh, yes! Of course.
For a minute there I thought you'd forgotten.
No.
Then there really would be a spate of killings.
Well, two anyway.
No, we haven't forgotten.
Mum's all booked in to babysit.
Good.
I'm doing a nuestra saffron paella.
Don't worry if Lee's not keen - I've got fish fingers.
Great.
See you at eight.
Seven.
Just testing.
Ah, there you are.
Right, straight upstairs, kids, and clean your teeth.
I want you asleep early tonight, so don't worry about the ones at the back.
I took them for pizza so we could crack straight on with the box set.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
I wouldn't bother doing that.
Well, I've got to.
I can't look at a dead Scandinavian unless my cushions are plump.
Oh, have you been shopping? Yeah.
Anna took me to the place where she buys all her underwear.
I thought the ironmongers closed early on a Thursday.
She bought some very nice things, actually, but apparently she and Toby argue about money, so she has to be all secretive and put it somewhere he won't see it.
What, on? I can't believe we're going to finally find out who that murderer is.
I reckon it's the big beardy one who smokes a pipe.
SWITCHES ON TV Or her husband.
We can't watch it tonight.
We've got to go to Anna and Toby's for dinner.
SWITCHES OFF TV What? I agreed to it last week and then it just slipped my mind.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I'm sorry you remembered.
Well, we'll just have to watch it tomorrow.
We can't watch it tomorrow.
Jackie at work will spoil the ending for me.
She's finishing the series tonight as well, and she'll waltz into work tomorrow in her fake Jimmy Choos, and before you know it, it'll be the talk of the coffee room.
I'm sorry, have you started working in a nail salon? We have to watch it tonight.
OK, how about this? We go to Anna and Toby's and we leave as early as we can, then we come back and watch it.
No chance.
We'll be knackered.
And I know what you're like, you'll be asleep before I press the little red button.
Sorry, are we still talking about the TV show? Tell Anna we've got other plans.
She'll understand.
No, she won't.
She was bad enough when I cancelled a coffee morning to give birth to the twins.
Can't you say one of the kids is sick? What, you mean lie? Well, unless you want to poison one of them for the sake of your conscience.
You'll be fine, just break it to her gently.
I don't want to.
I'm terrible at lying.
I've got an idea - text her.
No! If we did it by text, Anna would never speak to us again.
I've got an idea - text her.
Oh, give it here.
I'll do it.
There you go, it's ringing.
Thanks a lot, Lee! What would I do without you? That isn't rhetorical.
I've started a list.
Oh, hi, Anna.
How are you? Yes, all fine.
Really looking forward to you both We're not coming.
Oh, that's it, break it to her gently.
I'm sorry, it's Molly.
She's ill.
Oh.
She seemed full of beans when I saw her this morning.
Yes, she was, but that was before the play date, atWaterpark World.
You know what those places are like, teeming with germs and diseases.
I didn't go to Waterpark World! I want to go to Waterpark World! You can't go to Waterpark World.
Why not? Because your mother just invented it.
It's not fair! But if you shush and go to your bedroom, I'll take you to a real water park.
Now? Well, not now, obviously.
When? One day.
It's not fair! Tomorrow? Yeeeeeaaaaah! Benji, I've told you, be quiet! Your sister's ill! She doesn't look ill.
But I thought you said your mother was baby-sitting.
Wendy's wonderful with the children.
Yeah, but Molly's really ill.
Why? What are the symptoms? Symptoms? She's got bad breath.
Oh, no, she's being sick.
Which probably explains the bad breath.
And she'sflushed.
Diarrhoea! Lucy, she sounds awful.
Yeah.
So, we'll just have to reschedule.
I'm sorry, Anna.
Well, not your fault, I guess.
Toby and I will find something else to do.
I'm sure we can re-heat an old argument from last week.
Thanks for being so understanding, Anna.
Bye.
Bye.
I feel awful.
You've probably caught something off Molly.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ON TV Have you turned your mobile off? We don't want any distractions.
DIALOGUE ON TV You unplugged the landline? Have you turned off that annoying beep on the computer that says you've got mail? Yes.
Because it's lovely to watch without distractions, isn't it? I reckon that shepherd might be the murderer.
GUNSHOT AND BLEATING SHEEP Or possibly the next victim.
TYRES SCREECH Herregud! What? "Herregud.
" It means, "Oh, my God!" Watching this, I think I've picked up some Scandinavian.
Scandinavian isn't a language.
Bit racist.
All right, I've picked up a bit of Swedish.
That's very impressive, especially given that it's set in Norway.
It's the same thing.
No, it isn't.
Sweden is IKEA and Abba.
Norway is whatever.
Oh, what's she doing in there? That's not her office.
A-ha! Have you worked it out? No, I'm just thinking, A-ha, they were from Norway.
Oh! What if he catches her going through the files? He won't Will he? DRAMATIC MUSIC HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR Who the hell is that? I don't know! Pause it.
Herregud! Sorry to turn up unannounced.
Not interrupting anything, are we? I did try to phone several times, but there was no answer.
Oh, my phone's switched off.
Er, because we didn't want to wake Molly, who, as you know, is very ill.
Well, that's why we're here.
I told Toby the symptoms.
And I'm sure it's nothing serious, but I am more than happy to check her over.
Look, there's no point in having a mate who's a doctor if you don't abuse the friendship.
You were obviously worried about her, Lucy, or you wouldn't have cancelled dinner.
Go on, Toby, it'll put their minds at rest.
Oh, no, no! She's fast asleep.
I just looked in on her.
She's completely zonked.
TOILET FLUSHES That's Charlie.
How do you know? I recognise his flush.
Maybe Molly's just been sick again.
Oh, it'll be fine.
What's the worst that can happen? She could have passed out on the bathroom floor.
Well, we've got underfloor heating, she'll be warm.
Mummy, can I have a biscuit for my teddies? They're having a disco party! You're supposed to be in bed, asleep.
I know, but I'm so excited about tomorrow.
We're going to a water park.
Again? Well, she's very ill.
It's very important that we make all her dreams come true, as fast as we can.
But you said she went to Waterpark World today.
I didn't go to Waterpark World! Yes, you did! How could I? Daddy said you made it up.
I'm starting to think Molly was never ill at all, Lucy.
Is this true? Have you been lying all along, young lady? Molly, go back up to bed now, please.
I'll tuck her in.
No, you won't.
I'm sorry, Anna.
We lied about Molly being ill.
Lucy, that's awful! You had us both really worried about her! Why would you do that? Because the real reason for cancelling dinner is silly, and to be honest, I'm very embarrassed about it.
Go on.
The reason we lied was .
.
because Lee and I had a massive row.
Oh.
I mean a really big one, didn't we? Yes, we did.
You cow.
And I'm really sorry, I just couldn't face the idea of coming over for dinner.
The fact is, right at this moment, I can hardly bear to look at his ugly face.
Bit harsh.
And what was the row about, if you don't mind me asking.
Just how Lee never does anything around the house.
I do my bit.
A "bit".
Do you see? A bit.
Not quite a full share, is it, a bit? Try washing up for once.
I do wash up.
What I don't do is put loads of pans in the sink, leave them to soak and let them go cold and greasy.
That kind of thing.
That's it? You cancelled dinner for that? We had a worse argument than that on the drive over here.
Well, yeah, but that was just the start of our row.
It got much worse than that.
Why? Because Lee did something much worse.
What? Yeah, what? You know what.
Yeah, but you say.
He spoilt that TV show we've been watching on Netflix.
The Oslo Murders? Not that we were watching it tonight, of course, because we were supposed to be coming round to yours.
Exactly, but Jackie, who Lee works with, told Lee how it ends, and then Lee told me the second he walked in the door.
That wasn't a very nice thing to do, Lee.
Well, I just figured if I couldn't enjoy it, then neither could you.
So now there's no point in either of us watching it.
Right.
But you decided to watch it anyway.
Well, we were watching it, but then we stopped when Lee ruined it.
But you said you weren't watching it tonight because you were coming round to our house.
Yeah, but we were just watching it a little bit before we came round to your house, but then the row happened, because Lee spoilt it.
But you just said Lee ruined it the second he got home from work.
Gosh, haven't you got a good memory for the things I say? Which means you were watching it on your own.
And you said you'd been watching it together.
I think it's time for the real truth, Lucy.
The truth is- Lucy's been so obsessed with this TV show that she couldn't wait and she was secretly watching it without me.
BOTH: Box-set cheating! Lucy, that's an awful thing to do! That's what I said.
I was so livid when I walked in and caught her that I decided to spoil the ending.
And that's when the row broke out, and then it got out of hand, and that's when we cancelled dinner.
The end.
Yeah, you spoiled everything.
You dirty greatspoiler! Cheat! Wassock! Oh, shave your armpits! Stop it, both of you! You need some time apart.
Lee, I'm going to drop you and Toby off at the coffee shop.
What? You need to calm down.
Yeah, and what better way to do that than a big mug of caffeine at 8:30pm? Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll stay here.
Nonsense.
Toby will talk to you - he's good at that.
Guaranteed to drain the passion out of any situation.
Oh, you say the sweetest things.
OK.
I won't be long.
Just one quick coffee and I'll be straight back.
You box-set cheating, nagging oldpillock! All right thenugly! Can you stop saying that? That was a very helpful talk.
Thanks, Toby.
I think I'm ready to get back home now.
All I said was, "There's your coffee.
" I'll tell you something, that woman at work did you a real favour by telling you the ending of The Oslo Murders.
How do you mean? Well, it was very disappointing.
Didn't you think? What, you've seen it? Yeah.
Watched the whole thing on a long-haul flight.
I wish I hadn't bothered, really.
The ending was so cliched.
"I can now reveal that the killer is" Don't! Don'tremind me.
Such acliche.
Bloody Norwegians and their cliches.
So did you guess who the murderer was? Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious.
Really? I thought it was ridiculously far-fetched.
Well, yeah, it was far-fetched, in an obvious sort of way.
I knew he was the murderer all along.
"He?" She.
I'm a modern man - I don't see gender.
Are you sure you're telling me the truth here, Lee? Yeah.
So you definitely know who the murderer is? Yeah.
So if I was to say the name of the murderer, that would be fine? Yeah.
The murderer is La-la! Lala? From the Teletubbies? It wasn't that far-fetched! All right, I don't know who the murderer is! Neither does Lucy.
Well, thank you for being honest at last.
Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? Oh, I don't know, you could have pretended that the woman at work lied to you and told you a fake ending.
Can I change my story? No.
And just for your information, I don't know who the murderer is either.
I just made that bit up, because I'm not the kind of person who spoils things for other people, unlike you, for example, spoiling my evening with Anna! Sorry.
I was looking forward to you both coming round.
Anna's a lot nicer to me when there are witnesses.
So, come on, the truth.
What, you want me to actually say it? You already know.
Well, I know you were rowing, but I don't know what it was about.
You know we were rowing? Yeah, obviously.
But it wasn't about some silly TV show.
So, come on, what were you really rowing about that made you cancel, after all Anna's hard work? It was about money.
Ah.
If I had a penny for every time we'd had that argument, Anna would spend it on handbags.
Exactly.
Lucy goes out, spending money on fancy clothes, then hides them from me.
That would annoy you, right? Oh, I can empathise with that all right.
What sort of stuff? Well, you know, sexy underwear.
And if she's hiding it from me, I don't even get the pleasure of seeing it.
Oh, God, you mean she's not wearing it for you?! Exactly.
So she's wearing it for someone else! Yep.
No! No, no, I don't mean that! No, I mean she's wearing it for herself.
Probably.
Is that right? Listen, Lee, if you've got any suspicions about Lucy, you can tell me.
We are mates.
And it would certainly explain your disgraceful behaviour tonight.
Would it? Yeah.
Well, maybe I do have a couple of doubts.
OK.
Who is he? "He?" Or she.
Or are you not seeing gender again? Look, I don't want to talk about it.
We'll get through this.
We said our marriage vows and we meant them.
Apart from the "richer" bit.
That was just me going through the motions.
So I'd appreciate it if you don't mention this again to anyone.
Perhaps you should go home.
I'm fine.
I'm completely relaxed here.
That's mayonnaise.
I know.
How did it go? Yeah, fine.
You didn't tell Toby the truth, did you? I can absolutely assure you, hand-on-heart, that I did not tell him the truth.
Right, now can we just carry on watching this and find out who the murderer is? You weren't watching it without me, I hope.
Are you accusing me of being a cheat? A cheat? Of course not.
Oh, imagine! But if I did accuse you of being a cheat, and I made it up because I knew that you weren't, I bet you'd forgive me, wouldn't you? What are you talking about? I've absolutely no idea.
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE Oh, my God, there's a car outside.
It's Anna.
What does she want now? Don't let her in! Well, why not? She believed we rowed.
Exactly.
She'll be coming round to see if us two have made up yet.
We won't be able to get rid of her for ages and we won't get to watch the TV show.
She knows we're in.
I've got to open the door.
No! I'll tell her you've gone to bed early.
If she knows it's just me, she'll leave like there's a bad smell.
Yeah, but what if she doesn't? Lucy, I've had a takeaway curry with three sides and a Peshwari naan - trust me, we'll be fine.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Anna.
Toby told me everything.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry he told you everything, too.
I know it's none of my business, but as her friend, I feel I had to come round and talk to Lucy.
You can't talk to Lucy.
She's in bed, asleep.
So if you could just keep your voice very, very quiet indeed How long has it been going on? Quieter.
I feel very bad about earlier.
Toby and I made such a fuss about you two cancelling dinner, and all along you're in the middle of this huge crisis in your marriage.
Not really.
You don't have to be strong, Lee.
This is me, Anna.
I can see you want to cry.
I do, yes.
Don't underestimate the effect of infidelity.
I'm not 100% sure she has been infidelicate.
I can see you're not going to open up for me.
Yes, I am.
Fine.
I'll talk it all through with Lucy tomorrow.
No, you won't.
Why not? Because my conversation with Toby was confidential.
He wasn't supposed to tell you about it.
What, so I'm supposed to never mention it to her? Yes, please.
Act like I don't know? That's it.
Perhaps I should move to another town and never talk to Lucy again? I mean, if you could, that would be absol Oh, right, you're being sarcastic.
I can't not talk to her about this.
Please, Anna, I am fighting for my marriage here.
Are you? Well, I will be if you talk to Lucy.
Please, I need all the help I can get.
Well, all right.
I suppose I can pretend we never had this conversation.
Thanks.
But remember, Lee, an affair doesn't have to be the end of a marriage.
If you ever want to talk to me, the door is always open.
What did she mean, "An affair "doesn't have to be the end of a marriage"? I'm starting to think this Netflix programme isn't dramatic enough, because real life is far more tense.
Who's having an affair? Something happened with me and Toby in the coffee shop.
Wow! I knew you two were close The thing is, something was said.
What? Just tell me.
Anna's having an affair.
What?! I know.
I was amazed, too.
Even listening to myself now, I can't quite believe I'm saying it.
Oh, my God! I don't know where to start.
I've got so many questions.
Oh, good.
With who? Not me, that's for sure.
Well, didn't you ask? No.
Once I found out it wasn't me, I was so relieved, I didn't care.
Why didn't you tell me about this when you got back from the coffee shop? Because Toby made me promise not to tell anyone.
And I keep my promises.
So why did Anna come round just now? Because she assumed I had told you, but I hadn't, so I sent her packing.
Right.
So as far as Anna and Toby are concerned, you don't know anything about this, so you can't mention anything to them at all, ever.
Right.
Now that's all sorted, let's get back to this TV show, shall we? Oh, the fishmonger's wife has looked dodgy from episode one.
I just can't believe she'd do something like that.
Well, she has got access to a big knife for gutting herring.
I can't believe Anna would cheat.
What made Toby suspicious? As you know, she has been spending money on fancy clothes.
Well, that's not evidence! No, but like you said, she has been buying sexy underwear and hiding it from him.
I mean, you said it's because they argue about money, but perhaps she has other reasons.
She does have other reasons! She bought it for when they're on holiday in Tuscany.
It's supposed to be a big surprise for Toby! Not because she's having an affair.
Good.
So, Anna's not having an affair.
I told Toby he was probably wrong.
Everything's tickety-boo.
It's not tickety-boo, it's tickety-bollocks! Toby needs to know the truth.
Stay with the kids! Wendy! We need you to come round right away and babysit, please! Yes, I know we cancelled on you already, but, look, I'll just be completely honest with you Lucy's at the hospital with food poisoning.
Lucy! Sorry for calling around so late.
No, you are always welcome, any time.
Come in.
I've, um, I've been driving around for a while, thinking about exactly how I should approach this.
It's OK, Lucy, I'm glad you came.
Ah, Lucy.
Does Lee know where you are? Of course he does.
Where else would I be? I don't know, Lucy, where else would you be? Did you want to talk about something, Lucy? Well, I think we all know why I'm here, so I'll just get straight to the point.
It's about this so-called affair.
"So-called"? Yes, Toby, so-called.
Just because a woman goes shopping for nice underwear doesn't mean she has to be cheating on her husband.
No, unless that husband never gets to see the underwear.
What do you have to say about that, Lucy? Toby! Yeah, all right.
I didn't have to come here.
I could be on the sofa, getting stuck into an Indian.
Where are the kids? I got your mum over.
Why? What are you doing here? Checking up on you, I should think.
Lee doesn't control where I go and who I see! No, that's obvious to everyone.
I'm here because Sorry, can you just bring me up to speed on the conversation? I was just explaining to Toby that this whole affair thing is a big mistake.
Is that right? Yes, it is! Right, good.
So now that's all sorted, let's forget about the whole thing and never mention it again.
No offence, Lucy, but you would say there was no affair, wouldn't you? Oh, my God! Is this all because of this ridiculous secret underwear? Partly, yeah.
It's not what you think.
Isn't it? Then why don't you tell us all who that underwear was intended for? For you, of course! Don't stare at me.
This is the first I've heard of it.
Well, of course it's the first you've heard of it.
It's all supposed to be a big surprise for you.
Well, it certainly would have been.
It was supposed to put a bit of excitement back into your marriage, a bit of spice, get the engines firing again.
Did you know about this? I don't know anything any more.
Why the hell would you be showing your underwear to my husband?! I'm not, you are! I'm showing your underwear to my husband?! No, you're showing YOUR underwear to your husband.
I'm glad no-one can see MY underwear.
I thought you'd come round to discuss your affair.
MY affair?! You're the one who's supposed to be having an affair! No, I'm not, you are! Who told you that?! He did! No, he didn't! He told Lee that YOU were having an affair! I didn't tell him anything, HE told ME! How would Lee know I'm having an affair? So you are having one? Oh, my God, YOU'RE having an affair! Of course I'm not! I am the last to know! This is like when you found you were expecting Jack! Don't be ridiculous! Everybody knows you're supposed to wait three months before you tell anybody you're pregnant! Not your husband! We didn't really row! We made it all up! There is no affair! We just didn't want to come round for dinner! I beg your pardon? We just wanted to stay in and watch the telly.
That's why we lied about Molly being ill, and that's why we lied about having a row.
And then I lied to you about why we'd had the row.
Then I lied to you about the lie I told Toby.
Then I lied to you about the specifics of the lie I told Toby.
Then I lied to you again about the lie I told Anna about the lie I told Toby! Nobody's having an affair! We made it all up from the start, and that is the truth! So you never did have a big argument? Well, we'll be having one very soon, if that's any consolation.
I'm so very, very sorry, Anna.
ANNA LAUGHS I'm sorry, Toby, I couldn't keep it going any longer.
What? You don't think we fell for any of that, do you? What are you talking about? Come on, it's the oldest one in the book, pretending your child is ill to get out of something you don't want to do.
What, you mean you knew?! From the moment you rang to cancel dinner.
That's why we came round to check on Molly.
We've been winding you up all evening.
BOTH: You liars! Why put us through all of that? I'll tell you why.
Because I spent all week preparing for that bloody dinner, and if you were spoiling our evening, we were damn well spoiling yours.
So you mean you've known all along? Yeah.
So you know Lucy's not really having an affair? That's right.
And you knew about Anna spending £400 on underwear? No, I didn't know that.
Before you ask, no, I'm not having an affair.
Well, I wish you were.
He might have paid for it! I'm very, very sorry, Anna.
And ashamed.
Good.
So you should be.
Don't blame Lucy.
It's not her fault.
She's been under a lot of pressure recently.
You see, her dad is very seriously ill.
Shut up, Lee! OK.
What are you doing? Lucy, I am not going through the night we've just experienced all for nothing.
We're going to sit and enjoy the rest of this TV show if it kills us.
Yeah, but it's really late.
Why don't we just skip to the last episode? We can't do that - we've got two episodes left.
Yeah, but But what? I watched one while you were at the coffee shop with Toby.
Sorry.
I don't mind.
Really? Yeah, I watched that one yesterday, too.
MOBILE PHONE PINGS That'll be from Toby.
I texted him to apologise.
Oh, what does he say? "So, the policeman did it, hey? Who'd have guessed.
" What?! Oh It's from Jackie at work.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.
Lee? Lee? I think he's going deaf.
He has the TV volume up like it's an old people's home.
Toby wears headphones.
For TV or music? Just generally around the house.
Well, luckily, the kids are heavy sleepers.
We've been watching this brutal Scandinavian crime series on Netflix.
It's brilliant.
It's about a spate of killings and Don't tell me! Oh, are you watching it, too? No, it's just very boring listening to people describe box sets on Netflix.
Anyway, I'd better get going and hide this shopping.
I have to be secretive.
Toby hates me spending money.
It causes all sorts of rows.
I bet he'll like all that sexy lingerie.
Well, I'm saving that for our trip to Tuscany.
A different, brand-new set of underwear for every day of the week.
Ooh, I might suggest that idea to Lee.
You know, changing his underpants every day.
I want it to be a surprise, so don't mention anything when you see Toby later.
Later? Tonight.
You and Lee are still coming round for dinner, aren't you? Oh, yes! Of course.
For a minute there I thought you'd forgotten.
No.
Then there really would be a spate of killings.
Well, two anyway.
No, we haven't forgotten.
Mum's all booked in to babysit.
Good.
I'm doing a nuestra saffron paella.
Don't worry if Lee's not keen - I've got fish fingers.
Great.
See you at eight.
Seven.
Just testing.
Ah, there you are.
Right, straight upstairs, kids, and clean your teeth.
I want you asleep early tonight, so don't worry about the ones at the back.
I took them for pizza so we could crack straight on with the box set.
Oh, I'm so excited.
I've been looking forward to this all day.
I wouldn't bother doing that.
Well, I've got to.
I can't look at a dead Scandinavian unless my cushions are plump.
Oh, have you been shopping? Yeah.
Anna took me to the place where she buys all her underwear.
I thought the ironmongers closed early on a Thursday.
She bought some very nice things, actually, but apparently she and Toby argue about money, so she has to be all secretive and put it somewhere he won't see it.
What, on? I can't believe we're going to finally find out who that murderer is.
I reckon it's the big beardy one who smokes a pipe.
SWITCHES ON TV Or her husband.
We can't watch it tonight.
We've got to go to Anna and Toby's for dinner.
SWITCHES OFF TV What? I agreed to it last week and then it just slipped my mind.
I'm sorry, I forgot.
I'm sorry you remembered.
Well, we'll just have to watch it tomorrow.
We can't watch it tomorrow.
Jackie at work will spoil the ending for me.
She's finishing the series tonight as well, and she'll waltz into work tomorrow in her fake Jimmy Choos, and before you know it, it'll be the talk of the coffee room.
I'm sorry, have you started working in a nail salon? We have to watch it tonight.
OK, how about this? We go to Anna and Toby's and we leave as early as we can, then we come back and watch it.
No chance.
We'll be knackered.
And I know what you're like, you'll be asleep before I press the little red button.
Sorry, are we still talking about the TV show? Tell Anna we've got other plans.
She'll understand.
No, she won't.
She was bad enough when I cancelled a coffee morning to give birth to the twins.
Can't you say one of the kids is sick? What, you mean lie? Well, unless you want to poison one of them for the sake of your conscience.
You'll be fine, just break it to her gently.
I don't want to.
I'm terrible at lying.
I've got an idea - text her.
No! If we did it by text, Anna would never speak to us again.
I've got an idea - text her.
Oh, give it here.
I'll do it.
There you go, it's ringing.
Thanks a lot, Lee! What would I do without you? That isn't rhetorical.
I've started a list.
Oh, hi, Anna.
How are you? Yes, all fine.
Really looking forward to you both We're not coming.
Oh, that's it, break it to her gently.
I'm sorry, it's Molly.
She's ill.
Oh.
She seemed full of beans when I saw her this morning.
Yes, she was, but that was before the play date, atWaterpark World.
You know what those places are like, teeming with germs and diseases.
I didn't go to Waterpark World! I want to go to Waterpark World! You can't go to Waterpark World.
Why not? Because your mother just invented it.
It's not fair! But if you shush and go to your bedroom, I'll take you to a real water park.
Now? Well, not now, obviously.
When? One day.
It's not fair! Tomorrow? Yeeeeeaaaaah! Benji, I've told you, be quiet! Your sister's ill! She doesn't look ill.
But I thought you said your mother was baby-sitting.
Wendy's wonderful with the children.
Yeah, but Molly's really ill.
Why? What are the symptoms? Symptoms? She's got bad breath.
Oh, no, she's being sick.
Which probably explains the bad breath.
And she'sflushed.
Diarrhoea! Lucy, she sounds awful.
Yeah.
So, we'll just have to reschedule.
I'm sorry, Anna.
Well, not your fault, I guess.
Toby and I will find something else to do.
I'm sure we can re-heat an old argument from last week.
Thanks for being so understanding, Anna.
Bye.
Bye.
I feel awful.
You've probably caught something off Molly.
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC ON TV Have you turned your mobile off? We don't want any distractions.
DIALOGUE ON TV You unplugged the landline? Have you turned off that annoying beep on the computer that says you've got mail? Yes.
Because it's lovely to watch without distractions, isn't it? I reckon that shepherd might be the murderer.
GUNSHOT AND BLEATING SHEEP Or possibly the next victim.
TYRES SCREECH Herregud! What? "Herregud.
" It means, "Oh, my God!" Watching this, I think I've picked up some Scandinavian.
Scandinavian isn't a language.
Bit racist.
All right, I've picked up a bit of Swedish.
That's very impressive, especially given that it's set in Norway.
It's the same thing.
No, it isn't.
Sweden is IKEA and Abba.
Norway is whatever.
Oh, what's she doing in there? That's not her office.
A-ha! Have you worked it out? No, I'm just thinking, A-ha, they were from Norway.
Oh! What if he catches her going through the files? He won't Will he? DRAMATIC MUSIC HEAVY KNOCKING AT DOOR Who the hell is that? I don't know! Pause it.
Herregud! Sorry to turn up unannounced.
Not interrupting anything, are we? I did try to phone several times, but there was no answer.
Oh, my phone's switched off.
Er, because we didn't want to wake Molly, who, as you know, is very ill.
Well, that's why we're here.
I told Toby the symptoms.
And I'm sure it's nothing serious, but I am more than happy to check her over.
Look, there's no point in having a mate who's a doctor if you don't abuse the friendship.
You were obviously worried about her, Lucy, or you wouldn't have cancelled dinner.
Go on, Toby, it'll put their minds at rest.
Oh, no, no! She's fast asleep.
I just looked in on her.
She's completely zonked.
TOILET FLUSHES That's Charlie.
How do you know? I recognise his flush.
Maybe Molly's just been sick again.
Oh, it'll be fine.
What's the worst that can happen? She could have passed out on the bathroom floor.
Well, we've got underfloor heating, she'll be warm.
Mummy, can I have a biscuit for my teddies? They're having a disco party! You're supposed to be in bed, asleep.
I know, but I'm so excited about tomorrow.
We're going to a water park.
Again? Well, she's very ill.
It's very important that we make all her dreams come true, as fast as we can.
But you said she went to Waterpark World today.
I didn't go to Waterpark World! Yes, you did! How could I? Daddy said you made it up.
I'm starting to think Molly was never ill at all, Lucy.
Is this true? Have you been lying all along, young lady? Molly, go back up to bed now, please.
I'll tuck her in.
No, you won't.
I'm sorry, Anna.
We lied about Molly being ill.
Lucy, that's awful! You had us both really worried about her! Why would you do that? Because the real reason for cancelling dinner is silly, and to be honest, I'm very embarrassed about it.
Go on.
The reason we lied was .
.
because Lee and I had a massive row.
Oh.
I mean a really big one, didn't we? Yes, we did.
You cow.
And I'm really sorry, I just couldn't face the idea of coming over for dinner.
The fact is, right at this moment, I can hardly bear to look at his ugly face.
Bit harsh.
And what was the row about, if you don't mind me asking.
Just how Lee never does anything around the house.
I do my bit.
A "bit".
Do you see? A bit.
Not quite a full share, is it, a bit? Try washing up for once.
I do wash up.
What I don't do is put loads of pans in the sink, leave them to soak and let them go cold and greasy.
That kind of thing.
That's it? You cancelled dinner for that? We had a worse argument than that on the drive over here.
Well, yeah, but that was just the start of our row.
It got much worse than that.
Why? Because Lee did something much worse.
What? Yeah, what? You know what.
Yeah, but you say.
He spoilt that TV show we've been watching on Netflix.
The Oslo Murders? Not that we were watching it tonight, of course, because we were supposed to be coming round to yours.
Exactly, but Jackie, who Lee works with, told Lee how it ends, and then Lee told me the second he walked in the door.
That wasn't a very nice thing to do, Lee.
Well, I just figured if I couldn't enjoy it, then neither could you.
So now there's no point in either of us watching it.
Right.
But you decided to watch it anyway.
Well, we were watching it, but then we stopped when Lee ruined it.
But you said you weren't watching it tonight because you were coming round to our house.
Yeah, but we were just watching it a little bit before we came round to your house, but then the row happened, because Lee spoilt it.
But you just said Lee ruined it the second he got home from work.
Gosh, haven't you got a good memory for the things I say? Which means you were watching it on your own.
And you said you'd been watching it together.
I think it's time for the real truth, Lucy.
The truth is- Lucy's been so obsessed with this TV show that she couldn't wait and she was secretly watching it without me.
BOTH: Box-set cheating! Lucy, that's an awful thing to do! That's what I said.
I was so livid when I walked in and caught her that I decided to spoil the ending.
And that's when the row broke out, and then it got out of hand, and that's when we cancelled dinner.
The end.
Yeah, you spoiled everything.
You dirty greatspoiler! Cheat! Wassock! Oh, shave your armpits! Stop it, both of you! You need some time apart.
Lee, I'm going to drop you and Toby off at the coffee shop.
What? You need to calm down.
Yeah, and what better way to do that than a big mug of caffeine at 8:30pm? Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll stay here.
Nonsense.
Toby will talk to you - he's good at that.
Guaranteed to drain the passion out of any situation.
Oh, you say the sweetest things.
OK.
I won't be long.
Just one quick coffee and I'll be straight back.
You box-set cheating, nagging oldpillock! All right thenugly! Can you stop saying that? That was a very helpful talk.
Thanks, Toby.
I think I'm ready to get back home now.
All I said was, "There's your coffee.
" I'll tell you something, that woman at work did you a real favour by telling you the ending of The Oslo Murders.
How do you mean? Well, it was very disappointing.
Didn't you think? What, you've seen it? Yeah.
Watched the whole thing on a long-haul flight.
I wish I hadn't bothered, really.
The ending was so cliched.
"I can now reveal that the killer is" Don't! Don'tremind me.
Such acliche.
Bloody Norwegians and their cliches.
So did you guess who the murderer was? Yeah, I thought it was pretty obvious.
Really? I thought it was ridiculously far-fetched.
Well, yeah, it was far-fetched, in an obvious sort of way.
I knew he was the murderer all along.
"He?" She.
I'm a modern man - I don't see gender.
Are you sure you're telling me the truth here, Lee? Yeah.
So you definitely know who the murderer is? Yeah.
So if I was to say the name of the murderer, that would be fine? Yeah.
The murderer is La-la! Lala? From the Teletubbies? It wasn't that far-fetched! All right, I don't know who the murderer is! Neither does Lucy.
Well, thank you for being honest at last.
Well, I didn't have much choice, did I? Oh, I don't know, you could have pretended that the woman at work lied to you and told you a fake ending.
Can I change my story? No.
And just for your information, I don't know who the murderer is either.
I just made that bit up, because I'm not the kind of person who spoils things for other people, unlike you, for example, spoiling my evening with Anna! Sorry.
I was looking forward to you both coming round.
Anna's a lot nicer to me when there are witnesses.
So, come on, the truth.
What, you want me to actually say it? You already know.
Well, I know you were rowing, but I don't know what it was about.
You know we were rowing? Yeah, obviously.
But it wasn't about some silly TV show.
So, come on, what were you really rowing about that made you cancel, after all Anna's hard work? It was about money.
Ah.
If I had a penny for every time we'd had that argument, Anna would spend it on handbags.
Exactly.
Lucy goes out, spending money on fancy clothes, then hides them from me.
That would annoy you, right? Oh, I can empathise with that all right.
What sort of stuff? Well, you know, sexy underwear.
And if she's hiding it from me, I don't even get the pleasure of seeing it.
Oh, God, you mean she's not wearing it for you?! Exactly.
So she's wearing it for someone else! Yep.
No! No, no, I don't mean that! No, I mean she's wearing it for herself.
Probably.
Is that right? Listen, Lee, if you've got any suspicions about Lucy, you can tell me.
We are mates.
And it would certainly explain your disgraceful behaviour tonight.
Would it? Yeah.
Well, maybe I do have a couple of doubts.
OK.
Who is he? "He?" Or she.
Or are you not seeing gender again? Look, I don't want to talk about it.
We'll get through this.
We said our marriage vows and we meant them.
Apart from the "richer" bit.
That was just me going through the motions.
So I'd appreciate it if you don't mention this again to anyone.
Perhaps you should go home.
I'm fine.
I'm completely relaxed here.
That's mayonnaise.
I know.
How did it go? Yeah, fine.
You didn't tell Toby the truth, did you? I can absolutely assure you, hand-on-heart, that I did not tell him the truth.
Right, now can we just carry on watching this and find out who the murderer is? You weren't watching it without me, I hope.
Are you accusing me of being a cheat? A cheat? Of course not.
Oh, imagine! But if I did accuse you of being a cheat, and I made it up because I knew that you weren't, I bet you'd forgive me, wouldn't you? What are you talking about? I've absolutely no idea.
CAR PULLS UP OUTSIDE Oh, my God, there's a car outside.
It's Anna.
What does she want now? Don't let her in! Well, why not? She believed we rowed.
Exactly.
She'll be coming round to see if us two have made up yet.
We won't be able to get rid of her for ages and we won't get to watch the TV show.
She knows we're in.
I've got to open the door.
No! I'll tell her you've gone to bed early.
If she knows it's just me, she'll leave like there's a bad smell.
Yeah, but what if she doesn't? Lucy, I've had a takeaway curry with three sides and a Peshwari naan - trust me, we'll be fine.
KNOCKING AT DOOR Anna.
Toby told me everything.
I am so sorry.
I'm sorry he told you everything, too.
I know it's none of my business, but as her friend, I feel I had to come round and talk to Lucy.
You can't talk to Lucy.
She's in bed, asleep.
So if you could just keep your voice very, very quiet indeed How long has it been going on? Quieter.
I feel very bad about earlier.
Toby and I made such a fuss about you two cancelling dinner, and all along you're in the middle of this huge crisis in your marriage.
Not really.
You don't have to be strong, Lee.
This is me, Anna.
I can see you want to cry.
I do, yes.
Don't underestimate the effect of infidelity.
I'm not 100% sure she has been infidelicate.
I can see you're not going to open up for me.
Yes, I am.
Fine.
I'll talk it all through with Lucy tomorrow.
No, you won't.
Why not? Because my conversation with Toby was confidential.
He wasn't supposed to tell you about it.
What, so I'm supposed to never mention it to her? Yes, please.
Act like I don't know? That's it.
Perhaps I should move to another town and never talk to Lucy again? I mean, if you could, that would be absol Oh, right, you're being sarcastic.
I can't not talk to her about this.
Please, Anna, I am fighting for my marriage here.
Are you? Well, I will be if you talk to Lucy.
Please, I need all the help I can get.
Well, all right.
I suppose I can pretend we never had this conversation.
Thanks.
But remember, Lee, an affair doesn't have to be the end of a marriage.
If you ever want to talk to me, the door is always open.
What did she mean, "An affair "doesn't have to be the end of a marriage"? I'm starting to think this Netflix programme isn't dramatic enough, because real life is far more tense.
Who's having an affair? Something happened with me and Toby in the coffee shop.
Wow! I knew you two were close The thing is, something was said.
What? Just tell me.
Anna's having an affair.
What?! I know.
I was amazed, too.
Even listening to myself now, I can't quite believe I'm saying it.
Oh, my God! I don't know where to start.
I've got so many questions.
Oh, good.
With who? Not me, that's for sure.
Well, didn't you ask? No.
Once I found out it wasn't me, I was so relieved, I didn't care.
Why didn't you tell me about this when you got back from the coffee shop? Because Toby made me promise not to tell anyone.
And I keep my promises.
So why did Anna come round just now? Because she assumed I had told you, but I hadn't, so I sent her packing.
Right.
So as far as Anna and Toby are concerned, you don't know anything about this, so you can't mention anything to them at all, ever.
Right.
Now that's all sorted, let's get back to this TV show, shall we? Oh, the fishmonger's wife has looked dodgy from episode one.
I just can't believe she'd do something like that.
Well, she has got access to a big knife for gutting herring.
I can't believe Anna would cheat.
What made Toby suspicious? As you know, she has been spending money on fancy clothes.
Well, that's not evidence! No, but like you said, she has been buying sexy underwear and hiding it from him.
I mean, you said it's because they argue about money, but perhaps she has other reasons.
She does have other reasons! She bought it for when they're on holiday in Tuscany.
It's supposed to be a big surprise for Toby! Not because she's having an affair.
Good.
So, Anna's not having an affair.
I told Toby he was probably wrong.
Everything's tickety-boo.
It's not tickety-boo, it's tickety-bollocks! Toby needs to know the truth.
Stay with the kids! Wendy! We need you to come round right away and babysit, please! Yes, I know we cancelled on you already, but, look, I'll just be completely honest with you Lucy's at the hospital with food poisoning.
Lucy! Sorry for calling around so late.
No, you are always welcome, any time.
Come in.
I've, um, I've been driving around for a while, thinking about exactly how I should approach this.
It's OK, Lucy, I'm glad you came.
Ah, Lucy.
Does Lee know where you are? Of course he does.
Where else would I be? I don't know, Lucy, where else would you be? Did you want to talk about something, Lucy? Well, I think we all know why I'm here, so I'll just get straight to the point.
It's about this so-called affair.
"So-called"? Yes, Toby, so-called.
Just because a woman goes shopping for nice underwear doesn't mean she has to be cheating on her husband.
No, unless that husband never gets to see the underwear.
What do you have to say about that, Lucy? Toby! Yeah, all right.
I didn't have to come here.
I could be on the sofa, getting stuck into an Indian.
Where are the kids? I got your mum over.
Why? What are you doing here? Checking up on you, I should think.
Lee doesn't control where I go and who I see! No, that's obvious to everyone.
I'm here because Sorry, can you just bring me up to speed on the conversation? I was just explaining to Toby that this whole affair thing is a big mistake.
Is that right? Yes, it is! Right, good.
So now that's all sorted, let's forget about the whole thing and never mention it again.
No offence, Lucy, but you would say there was no affair, wouldn't you? Oh, my God! Is this all because of this ridiculous secret underwear? Partly, yeah.
It's not what you think.
Isn't it? Then why don't you tell us all who that underwear was intended for? For you, of course! Don't stare at me.
This is the first I've heard of it.
Well, of course it's the first you've heard of it.
It's all supposed to be a big surprise for you.
Well, it certainly would have been.
It was supposed to put a bit of excitement back into your marriage, a bit of spice, get the engines firing again.
Did you know about this? I don't know anything any more.
Why the hell would you be showing your underwear to my husband?! I'm not, you are! I'm showing your underwear to my husband?! No, you're showing YOUR underwear to your husband.
I'm glad no-one can see MY underwear.
I thought you'd come round to discuss your affair.
MY affair?! You're the one who's supposed to be having an affair! No, I'm not, you are! Who told you that?! He did! No, he didn't! He told Lee that YOU were having an affair! I didn't tell him anything, HE told ME! How would Lee know I'm having an affair? So you are having one? Oh, my God, YOU'RE having an affair! Of course I'm not! I am the last to know! This is like when you found you were expecting Jack! Don't be ridiculous! Everybody knows you're supposed to wait three months before you tell anybody you're pregnant! Not your husband! We didn't really row! We made it all up! There is no affair! We just didn't want to come round for dinner! I beg your pardon? We just wanted to stay in and watch the telly.
That's why we lied about Molly being ill, and that's why we lied about having a row.
And then I lied to you about why we'd had the row.
Then I lied to you about the lie I told Toby.
Then I lied to you about the specifics of the lie I told Toby.
Then I lied to you again about the lie I told Anna about the lie I told Toby! Nobody's having an affair! We made it all up from the start, and that is the truth! So you never did have a big argument? Well, we'll be having one very soon, if that's any consolation.
I'm so very, very sorry, Anna.
ANNA LAUGHS I'm sorry, Toby, I couldn't keep it going any longer.
What? You don't think we fell for any of that, do you? What are you talking about? Come on, it's the oldest one in the book, pretending your child is ill to get out of something you don't want to do.
What, you mean you knew?! From the moment you rang to cancel dinner.
That's why we came round to check on Molly.
We've been winding you up all evening.
BOTH: You liars! Why put us through all of that? I'll tell you why.
Because I spent all week preparing for that bloody dinner, and if you were spoiling our evening, we were damn well spoiling yours.
So you mean you've known all along? Yeah.
So you know Lucy's not really having an affair? That's right.
And you knew about Anna spending £400 on underwear? No, I didn't know that.
Before you ask, no, I'm not having an affair.
Well, I wish you were.
He might have paid for it! I'm very, very sorry, Anna.
And ashamed.
Good.
So you should be.
Don't blame Lucy.
It's not her fault.
She's been under a lot of pressure recently.
You see, her dad is very seriously ill.
Shut up, Lee! OK.
What are you doing? Lucy, I am not going through the night we've just experienced all for nothing.
We're going to sit and enjoy the rest of this TV show if it kills us.
Yeah, but it's really late.
Why don't we just skip to the last episode? We can't do that - we've got two episodes left.
Yeah, but But what? I watched one while you were at the coffee shop with Toby.
Sorry.
I don't mind.
Really? Yeah, I watched that one yesterday, too.
MOBILE PHONE PINGS That'll be from Toby.
I texted him to apologise.
Oh, what does he say? "So, the policeman did it, hey? Who'd have guessed.
" What?! Oh It's from Jackie at work.
# We're not going out # Not staying in # Just hanging around with my head in a spin # But there is no need to scream and shout # We're not going out We are not going out.