SpongeBob SquarePants s09e05 Episode Script

1 - Are you ready, kids? All: Aye, aye, captain! - I can't hear you.
All: Aye, aye, captain! - ohh who lives in a pineapple under the sea? All: spongebob squarepants - absorbent and yellow and porous is he All: spongebob squarepants - if nautical nonsense be something you wish All: spongebob squarepants - then drop on the deck and flop like a fish All: spongebob squarepants - ready? All: spongebob squarepants spongebob squarepants spongebob squarepants - spongebob squarepants [laughing.]
[waves crashing.]
[cheery ukulele music.]
- Ah, yes, just how I like it-- Nice and empty.
- Hey, I'm still here.
- Oh, yes, sirree.
Nice and empty.
[hawaiian string music.]
- Do you work here? - [spits.]
Welcome to the krusty-- [sputters.]
[overlapping muttering.]
Well, there goes my nap.
[hornpipe music.]
multiple orders up! Spongebob! Spongebob! Where are you? You need to get out here and make those krabby patties! - [jabbers happily.]
- [growls.]
[inhales deeply.]
Spongebob! Get it together, spongebob.
The dining room is full of ravenous customers.
- [cries like a monkey.]
- I got it.
[whistles.]
- Hmm.
What was that imbecile doing in there? An old book? - [gasps.]
nothing.
- What's going on here? - Thank you.
- Excuse me.
I wanted pickles on mine.
- Hmm.
If sponge-brain is keeping the book away from me, Then I have no choice but to read it.
[door opens, footsteps approaching.]
- I'll take that, thank you.
- There he goes again, Scribbling away in that little book.
I must admit, my curiosity is piqued.
I guess I'm piqued to peek at that book.
[laughs.]
Oh, fun.
- Huh? - Hey, spongebob, you need to make a delivery.
- Okeydokey.
- The address is on the bag.
- I got it.
- [whistles.]
[gasps.]
it's a diary! Oh-ho-ho.
This is gonna be good.
Huh? Drat, it's locked.
[grunting.]
Hmm.
I need a hairpin.
[heavenly choir sings a chord.]
And now the diary of a moron.
"dear diary, what an amazing" [spongebob narrating.]
day I've had.
This morning I was greeted By my nearest and dearest neighbor, squidward.
He had some very important news he was just bursting to share.
He had decided that today would be the perfect day To deliver his profound opinions On how to properly raise and care for a household pet - [spits.]
- Specifically, what not to feed them.
The list was very thorough.
Needless to say, this is all very enlightening.
It warms my heart To know that squidward thinks we're close enough To use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, Who may not know How well-intentioned those words are.
Knowing I have a tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short.
[alarm bell rings.]
And I was hurried along to work Where I arrived only an hour and a half early For what may be my favorite day of the year-- Cleaning day! Together, mr.
Krabs and I scrubbed Every inch of the krusty krab.
And finally, with a little elbow grease, We were able to get into even the tightest spots.
Ah, yes, cleaning day.
- Great neptune! I had no idea! The depth of his delusion is awe-inspiring! - Well, I don't know.
Something about this delivery address Doesn't seem right.
[gasps.]
wait a minute.
Squidward! He must have been the victim of a prank phone call.
Poor squidward.
He can be so gullible.
- Oh, boy! A ketchup packet! That'll go great on this old diaper.
- Oh, squidward! You are gonna laugh when you hear what I'veBeen.
Squidward? Where are you? Could have swore I just saw him.
- Spongebob, uh, One of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet And I need you to fish it out.
- Duty calls.
- [laughs.]
[coughs.]
- You laughing at me? - What? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I was just reading what spongebob wrote in his diary.
It's hilarious.
- Reading somebody else's diary-- That's terrible! Tell me more.
- It says here, When spongebob sees plaid, He has this uncontrollable urge to cluck like a chicken.
[both laughing.]
- Did somebody say "plaid"? Why, I'm a plaid enthusiast.
I just got me new kilt today.
- Oh, spongebob.
Can you come here, please? - I couldn't find that watch anywhere.
All I found was this stuff.
- I fell in.
- And that guy.
- What do you think of mr.
Krabs' new plaid kilt? - P-p-p-p-plaid? - Hey! [crash.]
- [clucking.]
[crows like a rooster.]
- Well, you don't have to be nasty about it! - [clucking.]
Avert your eyes, squarepants.
I have to take my break! [inhales, exhales deeply.]
[sighs.]
- Listen to this.
Spongebob has named his spatula "fifi.
" [laughter.]
- He named it fifi.
- He named his spatula fifi.
Fifi.
What kind of name is fifi? - [laughing wildly.]
Who ever heard of naming a spatula fifi? It's a girl's name! Right, frank? - I'm back from my break.
Any orders, squidward? - Yeah, cook me up a krabby patty.
With good old fifi.
- [shudders.]
Oh, sure thing.
Fifi, how did patrick know your name? Have you been talking? - Oh, oh, this is the best one yet.
Get this.
"if I hear the bikini bottom municipal anthem, "I can't help but take off all my clothes And dance around in my underwear!" [laughter.]
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Watch this.
[anthem music plays.]
[laughter, music stops.]
- My diary! Squidward! How could you? [laughter.]
[crying.]
[clucks, cries.]
- Ha.
- That was that little dude's diary? [door slams.]
[overlapping murmuring.]
- that is not okay.
- That was uncool.
- That's low, squidward Even for you.
You'd better apologize.
- [scoffs.]
he'll get over it.
- [crying.]
- [scatting.]
- Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary.
Local fry cook devastated.
- Oh, boy.
Let me see one of those papers.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Ha ha! Taxi.
[tires screech.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, pal.
You're that diary reader.
- Yes, I am.
[tires squeal.]
[coughing.]
- Diary thief! - Jerk! - Secret stealer! - Billy, stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
- Morons.
- Squidward tentacles, By reading another person's diary, You have violated the terms of your loan.
We are repossessing your house.
- [coughs.]
what? - Take it away, boys.
[thunder booms.]
- Ow.
[club bangs.]
- hey! You can't sleep here, fella.
[horn honks.]
wait a second.
You're that diary reader.
I had a diary once.
My brother read it! I had a brother once! Come on, fella! We have a special place for people like you! - Diary reader! - What? You read it too.
- Oh, sure.
Blame everyone but yourself.
Oh, that is so you.
[grunts.]
- Hi, squidward.
How's it going? - Spongebob, oh, thank goodness.
You have to forgive me.
- What for? - For reading your diary.
- Oh, that.
You know, squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published.
It's a best seller.
And I owe it all to you.
Besides, you only read my work diary.
You've never even seen my secret personal diary.
Now, that would have been really embarrassing.
- There he is-- the diary reader! Let's get him! All: Yeah! - People! People! Stop your assault! Through my art, as an author, I have forgiven squidward.
- Oh, yeah? Did you know he's reading your personal diary? - [laughing.]
- Squidward! How could you? [crying.]
[murmuring angrily.]
- I don't care.
This is so worth it.
[laughing.]
[hornpipe music.]
[engine humming.]
- Once around the roundabout.
[tires screech.]
Left at the wall.
[tires screech.]
Over the "bump of truth.
" And, finally, the flaming hoop! [tires screech.]
[tires screech.]
Thank you, mrs.
Puff.
I am now a card-carrying driver And a productive member of society.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah! - Oh, nothing gives me more joy than teaching.
I can't wait to pass my next student.
- Hello, mrs.
Puff! I'm all set for my driving test.
[shivering with fear.]
Mrs.
Puff, you okay? - Just start driving.
[tires squealing.]
- Turn this boat around immediately! - Right away, ma'am.
[tires screeching.]
Don't worry, mrs.
Puff.
I have this under control.
[grunts.]
uh [tires screeching.]
[monkeys screeching.]
- next up Goin' bananas 3 in 3-d.
- Hey, dude.
Pass the 3-d glasses.
This is supposed to be, like, in 3-d.
- [chuckles.]
oh, yeah, right.
- Here I am.
I'm coming at you [tires squeal.]
like your worst nightmare.
[laugh evilly.]
[hawaiian ukulele music.]
[laughter.]
- I think it's safe to say You have once again failed your driving test! [laughter.]
- Uh, but, mrs.
Puff, I-- - no buts, spongebob! You've failed this test over and over.
I'm beginning to believe you're simply Unteachable.
[laughter.]
Now get out of my sight! - Ahh! Gyee! Gyah! I'm sorry, mrs.
Puff! [sobbing.]
- [growling.]
Both: Dude! - This is, like, the gnarliest 3-d movie ever.
[grunts.]
[laughter.]
If only spongebob could pass his boating test, He'd be out of my life once and for all.
Unfortunately, I keep getting reminded Of the consequences If I get too angry with the little nuisance.
I can't even leave town without violating my parole.
Oh! If there was only some way that I didn't have to live in fear.
Fear-- That's the answer.
Spongebob is afraid of the driving course.
So it would stand to reason That if he took the driving test Somewhere besides the driving course, He would pass! Of course! The answer's been in front of me all along.
I'll test spongebob on a real road, And then he'll be out of my life forever! [laughs.]
What could possibly go wrong? - [groans.]
- [meows.]
- Not now, gary.
Can't you see I'm wallowing in my own filth? [groans.]
[knock on door.]
Come back later.
I'm wallowing.
[knock on door.]
[groans.]
[door hinge squeaks.]
- Good morning, spongebob.
- [gasps.]
- Spongebob? Spongebob? - [coughs.]
- Spongebob.
- I'm sorry mrs.
Puff.
I am trying to stay out of your sight.
- [laughs.]
oh, that.
Let's forget what I said.
It's time to take a fresh approach.
- Mrs.
Puff, I-- you said-- Don't you remember? I'm a-- - We don't have time for this, spongebob.
We have a long day of driving ahead of us.
[tense string orchestra music.]
[crow-like cawing.]
- Mrs.
Puff, why have you taken me To this rather remote and slightly scary landscape? - To overcome your fears, silly.
- [groans.]
[bones jingle.]
- It's not working.
- Here we are.
- Uh, where are we? This old abandoned road is the perfect venue For your driving test.
- Driving test? - That's right.
Now you're free from all the distracting obstacles On the boating course.
[tires screech.]
out here, There's nothing but the road.
Now scooch over.
Come on, scooch over.
- But, mrs.
Puff, what about the fact That I'm unteachable? [seat belt clicks.]
- Forget all about that.
Out here you could teach a hermit crab to boat.
- Mrs.
Puff, I'm still intimidated.
- Listen, if you're nervous about boating, Simply repeat the words "focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
" Got it? - Oh, okay.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
[gulps.]
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Hey, look at me All not crashing and stuff.
Wonderful! Keep that up, And I'll have no choice but to pass you.
Just repeat your mantra.
- Focus on the road-- the open, unintimidating road.
- Boating within the lines-- Well done.
- Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
[tires screech.]
- Finally using your turn signal.
[laughs.]
check.
- Focus on the road.
[tires screech.]
There is nothing but the road.
- Roundabout navigation-- check.
- Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
[engine revs.]
- Safe and steady acceleration.
Check! - Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
[tires screeching.]
There is nothing but the road.
[engine revs.]
Focus on the road.
[tires screech.]
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
[tires screech.]
[echoing.]
there is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
- Check, check, and check! [sighs.]
What is this? Only one more test.
And it's the easiest one yet.
Spongebob, all you have to do Is safely dock this vessel.
- Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the road.
Focus on the Road? What happened to the road? - Calm down, spongebob! Listen! All you have to do is safely stop this vessel! - Focus on the road! There is nothing but the road! - Just stop the boat! - Focus on the-- da-da-da-- The road! - Spongebob, wait! [tires screech.]
Spongebob! - That was a close one, mrs.
Puff.
But I am back on the road and ready to focus upon it.
- Spongebob, this isn't just any road.
[truck horn honks.]
It's a ten-lane intertidal seaway! [truck horn honks.]
- super-tidal inter--huh? - Stay calm, spongebob.
Spongebob.
Spongebob! Spongebob! Remember your mantra! - Right.
Focus on the road.
There is nothing but the-- [truck horn honks.]
I can't even see the road! [teeth chattering.]
- spongebob! [tires screeching.]
Give me the wheel, spongebob.
Oh, dear.
He's completely frozen up! [truck horn blaring.]
[grunts.]
Fiddlesticks! [groans.]
[truck horn blaring.]
No-ho-ho! [tires screeching.]
- Reckless drivers.
I loathe reckless drivers.
[indistinct police radio transmission.]
[engine turning, revs.]
Pull over, you menace.
- [screams.]
[police siren wailing.]
Uh, mrs.
Puff, can I have my arms back? - I said stop your vessel! - Ooh! - Sorry, mr.
Officer, sir! I'm applying the brakes! [engine revs.]
oh! - Ah, we've got us a runner.
[engine revs.]
- Pull over, spongebob! And make it quick.
Look! - [screams.]
[tires screech.]
- no! [crash.]
Oh! [tires screeching.]
whoa! [tires screeching.]
[shrieks.]
[tires screeching.]
spongebob! Hit the brakes! - Huh? Oh! Okay.
[tires screeching.]
- Goodness gracious.
There isn't a scratch on this vessel.
Spongebob, the test is history.
You--you've passed! Here's your license! And I'm free! [engine humming.]
Ha ha! [tires screech.]
[indistinct police radio transmission.]
- I don't think so.
- Is there a problem, officer? [beeping.]
- Well, you crossed the county line Three miles back.
You, ma'am, are a parole violator, Which makes this test null and void.
I'll take that.
- Spongebob, I'll get you for this! I'll get you!