The Office (US) s09e05 Episode Script

This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.
*** decision I've ever made.
My *** head went into the pumpkin no problem - It won't ***.
- but I can't get it out.
Try again.
I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin No! No! No! No! Please! But as Jim and I discovered No! any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.
At first, I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should've done differently.
Yes, Dwight.
I never should've played that joke on Erin.
I never should've hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place.
But then I realized I was being silly.
I mean, the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two right? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Pam, what are you? - I'm Doctor Cinderella.
Cece's really into princesses now, so we decided to turn them into positive female role models.
I'm an oncologist.
And you are a dog.
No, I'm a puppy.
Dang it! I was worried that would happen.
- It's okay.
- Um, Jim, you're not dressed up at all.
Sure I am.
I am one of the Men In Black guys.
Can I have your sunglasses? Jim, come on.
I thought we were past this.
So the sports marketing business that Jim told everyone about except for me? There's a big investment lunch today, so I decided to skip the costume.
Unless he has a secret costume that he told everyone about except for me.
Getting a lot of mileage out of this, aren't you? Yeah, well, get used to it, bud.
A jitterbug You guys look great! The party is right after lunch, so make sure you get all your work done before that or throw it out.
Any questions? The senator will be joining us later.
Not a question.
- No, it wasn't.
- Excellent.
That reminds me, has anyone seen Treble? Anyone? I could have sworn I saw some Treble somewhere.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble! - I'm a man - A man without conviction you come and go, you come and go Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon you come and go, you come and go loving would be easy if your colors were like my dreams red, gold, and green, red, gold, and green karma come on Ah! So good! What lab did these little clones escape from? My Cornell a cappella group.
You were in an a cappella group? You went to Cornell? Yeah.
Uh, okay, ha, ha, ha, ha.
But you have no idea how lucky you are, because HCT is doing a set at our Halloween party.
Ugh, I don't want to sit through a whole concert of that.
I do.
I love the boss's interests.
Atta boy, Clark.
Where you boys staying? How does it work in the rooms? You get a privacy partition? No.
No, nope, not-- No, stay away.
You know what I just realized? They might actually call me up to solo on George Michael's Faith.
That was one of my signature songs.
Oh, man.
That would be insane.
I'm so not prepared.
Are you sure you're okay with me putting in this much money? Yeah.
I mean, listen, if we're gonna do this thing, then we should do it right.
You're the best.
I kind of am.
- It's crazy.
- Okay.
- I'll see you in a little bit.
- Okay.
Jim, look, I'm eating you.
- Shut up.
- Ha, ha! Hey, Erin, look, these are nerds.
I'm eating Jims.
Must eat more Jims.
Stop it! Stop it! - I'm spilling Jims - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - All over the carpet, Erin! - Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Mm.
Mm.
Hello, little pill.
What do you do? Dumatril is licensed to treat anxiety symptoms, such as panic attacks, excessive worrying, and fear.
Translation, there's a madman in our midst.
Okay, I give up.
What are you? I'm Sexy Toby.
Gross.
I love it.
Dumatril! Something wrong, Dwight? - Dumatril.
- Yes? This is a pill I found here in the office, but it's not for worms or eczema, like any normal pill.
It's not for any disorder of the body.
It's for a disorder of the mind.
The mind is part of the body.
Okay, this is a pill that combats insanity, okay? Whoever is taking it is not only insane they are now off their meds.
Dwight, our co-workers' health issues are really none of our business, so-- Why are you trying so hard to bury this thing, huh? What's going on, Nellie? - Talk to me.
- Mm? It's my pill.
I have an anxiety issue and I'm not ashamed of that, but I'm not loving the idea of Dwight having that information.
I once saw him yell at Phyllis for sneezing wrong.
Yeah, you're right.
This man needs to be apprehended.
I'll get my apprehension kit.
Dudes What's up? I know it's pathetic to re-live your college years, but cut me some slack, okay? Because I was a freaking rock star in college.
When I joined Here Comes Treble, that's when I became somebody.
When I got the nickname Boner Champ, that is when I became me.
You didn't come here to sit in a room, right? You came here for some intergenerational "bro" time.
Well, now's your chance! I'm here.
You got Qs, I got As.
Did you say you've got AIDS? No, I don't have AIDS.
That's not what I said.
Next question.
You don't have any-- any questions about the old days? You at least want to know why they call me Boner Champ? I thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
I'm sorry, what? I just thought Broccoli Rob was the Boner Champ.
Broccoli Rob was Broccoli Rob.
Andy Bernard is the Boner Champ.
- I hadn't realized that everybody here dresses up every year.
- Me neither.
It's Halloween.
That is really, really good timing.
I was just talking to some of the actives, and they think that you're Boner Champ.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know how that could've happened.
Did you maybe tell them that or-- I just-- I just started yappin' about the old days, and I guess the wine coolers were flowing, and, you know, somehow things just got hinky.
Could you call them and just tell them the truth? 'Cause I know it's really stupid, but it's also really, really, really important.
Will do.
I love you, Andy.
Love you too.
So the workspace looks awesome.
- Wow.
- And the graphic designer is gonna be sending us in some of the logo treatments.
Can't wait to see them.
- You guys rock.
- I killed it.
- Boom.
- Rockin'.
Oh.
- You get some? - There we go.
I also have been running the numbers, and between our backers and our own investment, we're looking great for a full year on this.
Oh, uh, is it too late to get in? Oh, no, no.
Jim, I explained everything, so you're all set.
Oh, no, I actually talked to my wife, and we'd really like to, you know, invest, get in on the ground floor.
Wow, well, what level of investment are you thinking about? We were thinking somewhere between $5,000, $10,000.
I can do the full $10,000.
We should just all in.
All right, welcome aboard.
All right.
Awesome, cool.
Hey, Darryl.
I'm just here to Smear some peanut butter on my forehead.
You know, to protect his brain from the nanobots that the government put in the air conditioning.
That makes sense to you, right? Or does it sound crazy? I can't really picture it.
Can you get it on there? Yeah.
And maybe get the cheeks.
So this makes sense, then.
Or is it crazy? Get under your chin first, yeah.
Is that where the nanobots like to come in? Take it all the way up to your lip, yeah.
Okay, is that how they like to get in? Yeah, that's crazy.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Yo, bad boys of a cappella.
Hey.
Heard any good stories lately? Or new twists on old stories? Yeah, I got a call from Broccoli Rob.
I guess you really are the Boner Champ.
Did he tell you how I got the name? No.
Spring sing '95, got completely ripped on bud dries.
I had sex with a snowman.
I just went at that thing.
Cold would've stopped most people, but I stayed locked in.
You know, took the face off.
Just seemed easier that way.
And I told Phyllis not to put it out, but she insisted, so anyway - Hi.
Oh, Oscar.
- Oh.
Remember my husband, the senator? Senator Lipton, nice to see you.
Nice to see you, Oscar.
Wait a second, who designed this spread? The sweets and savories are all mixed together.
This is mayhem.
So, Oscar, you're a dinosaur? Actually, I'm the electoral college.
Ouch! Right on target.
You know what? This is outrageous.
I have to find Phyllis.
You two talk, okay? Sorry, babe.
Phyllis! God, it's just so good to see you.
I-- uh-huh, just All having this wonderful Halloween gathering.
Excuse me, is that punch? They didn't know about the snowman story, and when I told 'em, they were not impressed.
- What is with these turkeys? - Right? Hey! You better do Faith, you get me? We don't know it.
So learn it.
You all go to Cornell, you're like eight Rain Men.
Just learn the frickin' song.
Look, I know it was big with the old guys, but-- Buts are for pooping.
Okay? Make it work.
You have to or Andy will flip out and make it a surprise please.
This isn't stupid.
What? - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Toby.
Are-- are you me? Yeah.
Oh, my goodness, look at-- - Look at this.
- Yeah.
I thought I'd, you know, be you.
- Look at-- look at me.
- Oh, look at you! It's funny, right? Mm.
All right, all right, just stay focused on the pill.
Okay, look, Dwight, let's just call this thing off.
I mean, it's just an anxiety pill.
Lots of people have anxiety.
You think I don't have anxiety? I have anxiety all the time.
Every waking moment of my life is sheer torture.
I have land disputes to settle and idiot cousins to protect and ne'er-do-well siblings to take care of, but I don't need some stupid pill to get me through all this.
Cool, free upper.
Ah, ha, ha! The jig is up, psychopath! - What? Hey, what-- - Yeah! Yeah, gotcha! - Don't dog-catch me! - Gotcha! - Yeah! - Oh! Let's see you get out of this web, huh? - The pill is mine.
- Wh-- Get her out.
- Oh.
- Stop baggin' my head! Oh, Dwight, look, it's just a pill, all right? It's for anxiety-- I take it every day, and it makes me feel better.
And maybe it could help you too.
- Oh, hey! How'd it go? - Hey.
Oh, man, it was great.
They were great.
Did you end up investing? - I did, yeah.
- How much? Uh, man, by the end, I guess it was about ten.
"About" ten? Ten.
It was the full $10,000.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a good thing we talked about it, though, - 'cause we had to-- - Yeah, yeah, no.
Yeah.
- So did everybody-- - What is it? Hold on.
Did everybody end up investing $10,000? Um, oh, man, I don't actually know.
What? They weren't really talking that much about money.
They just said, "we're good with investing," and-- and I-- Ladies and gentlemen, Here Comes Treble.
They said they were done with the investing, and then you volunteered $10,000? - Ooh, ooh - No, no, I had to.
Look, I needed to look like a team player, Pam.
So you invested $10,000 to look like a team player? - You weren't there.
- And I'll be It was very clear that $10,000 was what we had-- - We'll talk about it later.
- No, I want to - talk about it now.
- Pam.
Jim, that was most of our savings.
And I'll be better when I'm older I'll be the greatest fan of your life Wait.
Wait, hold on.
Where's the band? 'Cause there's no way you guys are making this magic with just your mouths.
That's what she said.
What, am I overdoing it? No.
No.
That color them wonderful stop me - We said "some.
" - We'll talk about it.
- We said "some.
" - We'll talk about it later.
Steal my breath We said "part," not "all.
" And I'll be your crying shoulder Fill up and you don't have to pay bah dah bah come on and give us a play get a wash right away - car wash, yeah - Yes! - Oh, man.
- That's how you do that! - Whoo! - Thank you.
Show some pride.
This is crap.
I agree, yes.
Crap.
Continue.
Now, folks, by special request, we're going to take it a little old school.
There is a former Trebler in this room.
Who? It's Mr.
Andy Bernard! No, do not sing that.
Do not-- oh, man.
He reminded us today of how much he means to us, and we certainly seem to mean a lot to him, so without any further ado, here's an old Treble classic.
Ah, ah, ah dank, dank, dank, dank, dank dig-a, dank, dank, dank a-well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body I know not everybody has got a body like you - but I gotta think twice - Whoa! Whoa! Before I give my heart away What the hell is Broccoli Rob doing here? She said you wanted to hear Faith.
That's Broccoli Rob's signature song.
Oh, but I need some time off from that emotion That's my signature song.
I really didn't know that, man.
I just thought you wanted to hear it.
Russell, I'm dressed like George Michael.
I thought you were Adam Lambert.
Wha-- The more I hear about all this a cappella drama, the more I think it's kind of pathetic, but when you're with someone, you put up with the stuff that makes you lose respect for them, and that is love.
Are you okay? - He's still mad.
- Okay.
Shut up, Broccoli.
Champ, I feel awful about this whole thing.
Russell called me up, and they said they needed so just wham! I sprang into action.
You know me.
I assumed you wanted to hear me do your signature number.
You thought I wanted to sit in the audience like some slutty Treb rat? A man's signature solo is his for life.
Okay? That's group policy and you know it.
Look, it's not my fault I still live near campus, and it's my duty as an alum to be friendly to the young guys, and stop in two, three times a week.
Just don't do the song anymore.
I'll tell you what We'll have a sing-off for it.
You pick 12 alums from any year to back you up and I'll do the same, and I'm so confident that I'll win, I won't even warm up.
Fine, go ahead, thrash your pipes.
My pipes are primo, Champ! Why don't you ask Trey Anastasio about my pipes? I knew you would go there, you son of a bitch! He said, and I quote, "hey, Rob, nice pipes.
" - That happened! - Okay, fine, yeah, - that's one guy's opinion.
- That's real! - That'll never change! - Okay! Okay, doesn't mean you're the best singer ever! Dick.
I thought that concert was pretty great.
Oh, yeah.
I decided acapelca music is awesome.
They lost me when they sang Monster Mash.
That song obviously glorifies the occult.
Angela, it's Halloween.
You have to sing Monster Mash.
Oh, you have to, Jim? You literally have to? Uh No, I'm just-- I'm saying, what would happen if they didn't sing it? Would they go to jail? Would they be shot? Okay.
We'll just forget it.
- No, no, I'm interested.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, I think everybody's interested in why they have to sing it.
- 'Cause it is Halloween.
- Mm-hmm.
So if you're gonna sing a concert, it's a good idea to throw that one in.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, it's a good idea to brush your teeth, but you have to, um, feed your children, send them to school.
You know, all things you can't do if you just keep singing Monster Mash.
It turns out Pam really, really hates Monster Mash.
I mean, like, never bring that song up in front of her.
Even though Jim was making great points, like, in favor of the song, Pam was like, "no.
Hate it.
Stupid.
" This is all so silly, right? What am I gonna do, move back to Cornell? Yeah.
I mean, what if we did that? Like, we got jobs and we were happy all the time? Oh, well, Andy, we're not moving to Cornell.
Duh, I know.
- That would be insane.
- Yeah.
It could totally work, though.
I don't know why we wouldn't.
Oh, my God, are we doing this? Oy.
Andy, what is going on? If I am not Boner Champ I don't know who I am.
Well, you know, maybe you're the wise, old guy that the new, um, B-O-N-E-R Champ looks up to.
You know, you could just-- Make a donation.
Well, I was gonna say be a mentor.
Yes.
I'm gonna make a donation.
And it just so happens I know someone who works at the Bernard family foundation.
- Her name is "mom.
" - Oh.
I want some of those pills.
Oh.
Well, good for you.
I mean, you'll need a prescription.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, they're not for me.
They're for my cousin Mose.
He's just having a tough time, being wifeless and a high-pressure job and his crazy cousin Mose.
- Other cousin Mose.
- Mm.
Got it.
Well, you tell Mose that he's a good man and I hope he feels better.
Which one? Mose or the real Mose? The real Mose.
He says thank you.
Mom, I had this really charitable idea to set up a scholarship for a cappella kids at Cornell, and just need to wire some money over there.
What? Far above the busy humming of the bustling town reared against the arch of heaven looks she proudly down What's wrong? My parents are broke.
Lift the chorus, speed it onward loud her praises tell hail to thee, our alma mater hail, all hail, Cornell