Two and a Half Men s09e05 Episode Script
A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
Men.
Ready, sweetheart? Almost.
Okay.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, dinner's sitting a little heavy.
Well, maybe I can help you work it off.
Yeah, about that-- honey, would you mind terribly if we just go to sleep? I'm so full and bloated from that dinner, it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Can we not call it a pin? I'm sorry.
I just don't think I'd enjoy sex tonight.
Since when is that a requirement? But seriously, it's fine.
It's no problem.
Thank you.
Ugh.
Well, actually, it is a little bit of problem.
What's that? Well, uh, based on past history-- um, expensive dinner, drinks, valet parking-- um, I thought we would probably be fooling around tonight.
Uh, and-and-and with that in mind, uh, about 20 minutes ago, I popped a little blue pill to ensure that, uh, when you were ready, so was I.
Of course, uh, now I'm ready and you're not, a situation they didn't really cover in those commercials.
Oh, Alan.
No, that's okay.
It's okay.
It's just kind of a shame to waste them.
I mean, they-they are kind of pricey, even if they're expired ones from Mexico.
If I give you $20, will you let me go to sleep? Oh, don't be silly.
I don't want your money.
But there are other ways you could reimburse me that wouldn't require a lot of effort on your part.
Should've taken the 20 bucks.
Oh, hey.
Oh, hey, Alan.
Want some whiskey? I thought you didn't like to drink.
I don't.
I'm trying to learn.
I'm getting better.
Is this about your ex-wife? No.
Walden.
Maybe.
Walden.
Yes.
All right, all right.
Listen to me.
Alcohol is just a bandage for your problems.
And I know this because I used to live with the Mummy.
Uh come on.
We, uh we got to get your mind off of her.
Let's, uh let's watch some TV.
Bridget and I used to watch TV.
That's the spirit.
Okay, let's see what's on.
Oh.
Cinnamon's Buns.
"A medieval wench falls for a bawdy baker.
Adult.
1992.
" Ooh, a selection from the classic era of soft-core cable porn.
Or what I like to call the winter bush years.
I haven't watched much porn since college.
Yeah, me, neither.
When I see it now, I just feel bad for the girls.
Yeah, yeah, somebody's daughter.
Shh.
Are you ready to learn my craft? Of course, Master Baker.
I am entirely in your hands.
This is not historically accurate.
Medieval bakers did not dress like Chef Boyardee.
Don't need the DVD commentary here.
Sorry.
Now, Cinnamon, take my frosting bag.
It's so big.
I can barely get my hand around it.
Use both hands, m'lady.
It's well written.
Like this? Now, squeeze, and anoint thy muffins with my frosting.
Boy, she looks familiar.
Yeah, she does.
If I wasn't here, would you be masturbating? You kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.
Master Baker, whatever are you doing? I'm going to put my loaf in your oven.
That's clever.
I don't know.
She looks like a younger version of your girlfriend.
Lyndsey? Uh-huh.
Oh, nah.
Oh, oh, you're so masterful! Kind of sounds like her, too.
Maybe.
Although I can't say I've ever heard Lyndsey use that particular phrase.
Don't stop! I can't get enough! Or that one.
Maybe if I heard her say, "Damn it, get off my hair.
" I don't know, Alan.
I think that's your girlfriend.
No, no.
Yes! Yes! No.
No.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Boy, she's not very convincing.
It is Lyndsey.
Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and masturbate.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're you're going to go pleasure yourself while you're thinking about my girlfriend? No, that'd be creepy.
I'm going to go pleasure myself while I'm thinking about my wife.
Wait.
Your your wife? Seriously? Yeah, what can I say? I love Bridget, and I think she's the sexiest woman in the whole world.
Uh, you never fantasize about anybody else? Mmm, sometimes I imagine she's twins.
Boo-ya! I never even thought of my wife when I was actually having sex with my wife.
Oh, Master Baker! Boy, she never let me do that to her.
Until now.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men Ah.
Men.
Men.
How's your day looking? Busy? Yeah.
Busy.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
It's okay.
I did offer this morning.
Can't expect me to turn on like a light switch whenever the whim strikes you.
I'm not just a piece of meat, you know.
You're kidding, right? In the entire time I've known you, you've never once passed up an opportunity for sex.
So as not to hurt your feelings, sometimes my mouth says, "Yes," when my soul is screaming, "No"" Oh, please! I can't even bend over to take off my shoes without you trying to mount me.
Hey, hey, that was an accident.
I was trying to walk and text.
You were texting, "Here comes Mr.
Pokey.
" Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
We'll talk later.
About Mr.
Pokey? I was speaking to Lyndsey.
Sounds like a short conversation.
I should have my own talk show.
Okay.
I've got to get to work.
I'll call you later? If you want.
Bye, Berta.
You're an attractive woman.
You don't have to settle.
I mean, bye! So, trouble in paradise? Why on Earth do you think I would share my problems with you? Oh, come on.
I may tease you now and then, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you as a human being.
All right.
What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone and, you know, like all relationships, it it has its ups and downs, but generally, things are going pretty good until one day you discover that they are not at all who you thought they were? And you don't know whether to confront them about it or or pretend you don't know, because the idea of being alone is worse than being with someone who's deceived you.
Berta? Hello? Turns out I don't care.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, I was thinking about your girlfriend's porno movie.
Me, too.
What about it? I want to learn to bake.
What? I think it'd be fun.
You know, cookies and cupcakes, pie, bread.
That's what you took from watching two people get it on in a 16th century kitchen? Well, I already know how to have sex.
How do you make buttermilk biscuits? There's a mystery.
Men.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Is everything okay? Not really.
Can I come in? Sure.
What's going on? Okay, I don't know how to say this except just to say it.
Oh, God, are you still upset about not getting laid last night? I'm still upset about not getting laid in high school.
But that's not what I want to talk about.
Um, last night, after you went to sleep, I turned on the TV and stumbled on a little motion picture you appeared in.
You saw Cinnamon's Buns.
I saw Cinnamon's buns.
I saw Cinnamon's boobs.
I saw the little birthmark on the inside of Cinnamon's thigh.
Oh, God.
I mean, one minute I-I'm dating a soccer mom from Sherman Oaks, and the next minute a porn star on Cinemax.
I'm not a porn star.
It was a little nudity.
And simulated sex.
Most of it.
Mo-most of it? It was 20 years ago, Alan.
I-I was young, stupid and needed the money.
Well, why didn't you tell me about it? Oh, yeah, right.
Who wouldn't be looking forward to this conversation? Well, I I just feel like such an idiot.
You feel like an idiot? That casting director said he could get me on Melrose Place.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
Any other secrets you'd like to share with me? Wait a second.
That's a two-way street.
Do you have any secrets you want to tell me? Me? I'm an open book.
Great.
Chapter one.
What have you done that you're ashamed of and don't want anyone to know about? All right.
Um when I was a little boy, um, we had a dog named Rusty, um, who loved peanut butter, and, uh, my brother, uh, convinced me that the best way to feed him, uh, was to, uh, uh, smear it on my testicles.
Um No surprise, that dog got very, very fat.
Um Men.
So, long story short, I kissed the guy.
Because, you know, how else would I know whether or not I was gay? What did you decide? Well, I may love Broadway musicals and have an eye for fashion, but that's where it stops.
Okay.
Let's recap the highlights.
You embezzled money from your family, you cheated on me with an old girlfriend, - Mm-hmm.
- you might be the father of Judith and Herb's baby, you didn't tell your late brother that the woman he was chasing was married to a mannequin because she gave you $50,000 to keep it a secret.
And to top it all off, you gave the family dog type 2 diabetes.
Oh, wait, one more thing.
Those diamond earrings I got you for your birthday last year Let me guess.
They're not real.
Oh, no, they're real.
Uh, it's just, I kind of stole them from my ex-wife.
You know, it really feels good to get all this off my chest.
Okay, now your turn.
Probably shouldn't have gone first.
Men.
Men.
I'm so glad I learned to bake.
I'm so glad I'm baked.
Hey.
What are you doing? Oh I'm baking brownies and Berta is making my head into a dreamcatcher.
I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe.
It was! But I did the baking, because I am a master baker now.
That was funny.
You should be a guest on my talk show.
I'm in.
Well, I have done something incredibly stupid.
Whatever you do, don't say "what?" What? Lyndsey and I split up.
Oh, no.
What happened? Well, I made the mistake of thinking honesty is the best policy.
It is a good policy.
You know, another good policy? Give a hoot, don't pollute.
Zippy, the only time in this world you want to be completely honest is when the paramedics ask, "What did you take?" Two brownies and a peach Snapple.
Snapple.
Snapple.
Okay.
Well, it's been real nice talking at the two of you.
Where you going? Uh, I need a little time to be alone.
Okay.
G'bye-bye! Man, it is hard when the person you love doesn't love you back.
You don't have to love me.
What? You heard me, Mr.
Master Baker.
Men.
Hi, Lyndsey.
Uh, it's me again.
Um, you don't have to call me back, but I just want you to know that the only reason that I was so honest with you is because I care about you and I trust you.
And a lot of those things I've never told anybody, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't, either.
Um Especially the peanut butter and the dog.
I got enough problems without the ASPCA on my ass.
Um, anyway, I-I love you and I miss you, and I'm-I'm sorry I made such a big deal about your film career.
And for what it's worth, um, I got a really big kick out of seeing your original breasts.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, she's gonna take that last part wrong.
Hey, Alan, come here quick! Hurry! Oh, what fresh hell is this? Surprise! What's what's going on? It's a party to cheer you up.
Hey, Alan, say hello to the Malibu College beach volleyball team.
Hi! Hello.
Here, Alan, have a brownie.
They're mmm-mmm good.
Gee, Walden, I really appreciate this, but it's a little soon for me to be partying.
I'm still hurting over Lyndsey.
But what am I gonna do with all these incredibly hot girls in bikinis that are in the process of getting stoned out of their minds? You're right, I'm being thoughtless.
Alan's here! Men.
Do I look delicious? 'Cause I feel delicious.
Hey, Zip, I'm home.
Where you been? Not a clue.
Whoa, I just saw a giant cat holding a churro.
If that's a giant mouse, he's in big trouble.
Hey, it's Cinnamon! Oh, God, you saw it, too? Yeah, just a little.
Then I went upstairs to masturbate.
Terrific.
Is Alan here? Um I don't think so.
Let me check.
You said Alan, right? Right.
Hold on.
All right, all right.
Ladies, have you got your spoons? Well, get rid of them.
We are eating freestyle! Uh, excuse me.
Wait.
Hey.
Whoa! Hey, what are you doing? You'll thank me later.
I can fly! Oh! No, I can't.
You said Alan, right? Right.
He's not here.
Are you having some sort of a party in there? Oh, no, it's just a bunch of stoned girls dancing.
G'bye-bye! Works better with an oven mitt.
Walden! Oh, hey, Alan.
You look ucky.
Was that Lyndsey? Yeah.
I told her you were not here.
I was not here because you threw me off the deck.
No, I threw you off the deck so you would not be here.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just skip the throwing and tell her I'm not here? Next time.
Oh! Hey.
Great news, we got a cat.
Men.
Men.
So I thought about it, and I decided that I really can't fault you for opening up to me.
I mean, every good relationship has got to be based on honesty.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
By the way, where were you when I came over to the house? Well honesty, right? Right.
I'm such a schmuck!
Ready, sweetheart? Almost.
Okay.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Oh, dinner's sitting a little heavy.
Well, maybe I can help you work it off.
Yeah, about that-- honey, would you mind terribly if we just go to sleep? I'm so full and bloated from that dinner, it'd be like sticking a pin in a balloon.
Can we not call it a pin? I'm sorry.
I just don't think I'd enjoy sex tonight.
Since when is that a requirement? But seriously, it's fine.
It's no problem.
Thank you.
Ugh.
Well, actually, it is a little bit of problem.
What's that? Well, uh, based on past history-- um, expensive dinner, drinks, valet parking-- um, I thought we would probably be fooling around tonight.
Uh, and-and-and with that in mind, uh, about 20 minutes ago, I popped a little blue pill to ensure that, uh, when you were ready, so was I.
Of course, uh, now I'm ready and you're not, a situation they didn't really cover in those commercials.
Oh, Alan.
No, that's okay.
It's okay.
It's just kind of a shame to waste them.
I mean, they-they are kind of pricey, even if they're expired ones from Mexico.
If I give you $20, will you let me go to sleep? Oh, don't be silly.
I don't want your money.
But there are other ways you could reimburse me that wouldn't require a lot of effort on your part.
Should've taken the 20 bucks.
Oh, hey.
Oh, hey, Alan.
Want some whiskey? I thought you didn't like to drink.
I don't.
I'm trying to learn.
I'm getting better.
Is this about your ex-wife? No.
Walden.
Maybe.
Walden.
Yes.
All right, all right.
Listen to me.
Alcohol is just a bandage for your problems.
And I know this because I used to live with the Mummy.
Uh come on.
We, uh we got to get your mind off of her.
Let's, uh let's watch some TV.
Bridget and I used to watch TV.
That's the spirit.
Okay, let's see what's on.
Oh.
Cinnamon's Buns.
"A medieval wench falls for a bawdy baker.
Adult.
1992.
" Ooh, a selection from the classic era of soft-core cable porn.
Or what I like to call the winter bush years.
I haven't watched much porn since college.
Yeah, me, neither.
When I see it now, I just feel bad for the girls.
Yeah, yeah, somebody's daughter.
Shh.
Are you ready to learn my craft? Of course, Master Baker.
I am entirely in your hands.
This is not historically accurate.
Medieval bakers did not dress like Chef Boyardee.
Don't need the DVD commentary here.
Sorry.
Now, Cinnamon, take my frosting bag.
It's so big.
I can barely get my hand around it.
Use both hands, m'lady.
It's well written.
Like this? Now, squeeze, and anoint thy muffins with my frosting.
Boy, she looks familiar.
Yeah, she does.
If I wasn't here, would you be masturbating? You kidding? I'd be done and fixing a sandwich.
Master Baker, whatever are you doing? I'm going to put my loaf in your oven.
That's clever.
I don't know.
She looks like a younger version of your girlfriend.
Lyndsey? Uh-huh.
Oh, nah.
Oh, oh, you're so masterful! Kind of sounds like her, too.
Maybe.
Although I can't say I've ever heard Lyndsey use that particular phrase.
Don't stop! I can't get enough! Or that one.
Maybe if I heard her say, "Damn it, get off my hair.
" I don't know, Alan.
I think that's your girlfriend.
No, no.
Yes! Yes! No.
No.
Yes! Yes! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Boy, she's not very convincing.
It is Lyndsey.
Okay, I'm going to go upstairs and masturbate.
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You're you're going to go pleasure yourself while you're thinking about my girlfriend? No, that'd be creepy.
I'm going to go pleasure myself while I'm thinking about my wife.
Wait.
Your your wife? Seriously? Yeah, what can I say? I love Bridget, and I think she's the sexiest woman in the whole world.
Uh, you never fantasize about anybody else? Mmm, sometimes I imagine she's twins.
Boo-ya! I never even thought of my wife when I was actually having sex with my wife.
Oh, Master Baker! Boy, she never let me do that to her.
Until now.
Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, manly men Ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men Ooh Men, men, men, men, manly men, men Ah.
Men.
Men.
How's your day looking? Busy? Yeah.
Busy.
Look, I'm sorry about last night.
It's okay.
I did offer this morning.
Can't expect me to turn on like a light switch whenever the whim strikes you.
I'm not just a piece of meat, you know.
You're kidding, right? In the entire time I've known you, you've never once passed up an opportunity for sex.
So as not to hurt your feelings, sometimes my mouth says, "Yes," when my soul is screaming, "No"" Oh, please! I can't even bend over to take off my shoes without you trying to mount me.
Hey, hey, that was an accident.
I was trying to walk and text.
You were texting, "Here comes Mr.
Pokey.
" Morning.
Morning.
Morning.
We'll talk later.
About Mr.
Pokey? I was speaking to Lyndsey.
Sounds like a short conversation.
I should have my own talk show.
Okay.
I've got to get to work.
I'll call you later? If you want.
Bye, Berta.
You're an attractive woman.
You don't have to settle.
I mean, bye! So, trouble in paradise? Why on Earth do you think I would share my problems with you? Oh, come on.
I may tease you now and then, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about you as a human being.
All right.
What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone and, you know, like all relationships, it it has its ups and downs, but generally, things are going pretty good until one day you discover that they are not at all who you thought they were? And you don't know whether to confront them about it or or pretend you don't know, because the idea of being alone is worse than being with someone who's deceived you.
Berta? Hello? Turns out I don't care.
Morning.
Morning.
Hey, I was thinking about your girlfriend's porno movie.
Me, too.
What about it? I want to learn to bake.
What? I think it'd be fun.
You know, cookies and cupcakes, pie, bread.
That's what you took from watching two people get it on in a 16th century kitchen? Well, I already know how to have sex.
How do you make buttermilk biscuits? There's a mystery.
Men.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Is everything okay? Not really.
Can I come in? Sure.
What's going on? Okay, I don't know how to say this except just to say it.
Oh, God, are you still upset about not getting laid last night? I'm still upset about not getting laid in high school.
But that's not what I want to talk about.
Um, last night, after you went to sleep, I turned on the TV and stumbled on a little motion picture you appeared in.
You saw Cinnamon's Buns.
I saw Cinnamon's buns.
I saw Cinnamon's boobs.
I saw the little birthmark on the inside of Cinnamon's thigh.
Oh, God.
I mean, one minute I-I'm dating a soccer mom from Sherman Oaks, and the next minute a porn star on Cinemax.
I'm not a porn star.
It was a little nudity.
And simulated sex.
Most of it.
Mo-most of it? It was 20 years ago, Alan.
I-I was young, stupid and needed the money.
Well, why didn't you tell me about it? Oh, yeah, right.
Who wouldn't be looking forward to this conversation? Well, I I just feel like such an idiot.
You feel like an idiot? That casting director said he could get me on Melrose Place.
I'm sorry.
I should have told you.
Any other secrets you'd like to share with me? Wait a second.
That's a two-way street.
Do you have any secrets you want to tell me? Me? I'm an open book.
Great.
Chapter one.
What have you done that you're ashamed of and don't want anyone to know about? All right.
Um when I was a little boy, um, we had a dog named Rusty, um, who loved peanut butter, and, uh, my brother, uh, convinced me that the best way to feed him, uh, was to, uh, uh, smear it on my testicles.
Um No surprise, that dog got very, very fat.
Um Men.
So, long story short, I kissed the guy.
Because, you know, how else would I know whether or not I was gay? What did you decide? Well, I may love Broadway musicals and have an eye for fashion, but that's where it stops.
Okay.
Let's recap the highlights.
You embezzled money from your family, you cheated on me with an old girlfriend, - Mm-hmm.
- you might be the father of Judith and Herb's baby, you didn't tell your late brother that the woman he was chasing was married to a mannequin because she gave you $50,000 to keep it a secret.
And to top it all off, you gave the family dog type 2 diabetes.
Oh, wait, one more thing.
Those diamond earrings I got you for your birthday last year Let me guess.
They're not real.
Oh, no, they're real.
Uh, it's just, I kind of stole them from my ex-wife.
You know, it really feels good to get all this off my chest.
Okay, now your turn.
Probably shouldn't have gone first.
Men.
Men.
I'm so glad I learned to bake.
I'm so glad I'm baked.
Hey.
What are you doing? Oh I'm baking brownies and Berta is making my head into a dreamcatcher.
I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe.
It was! But I did the baking, because I am a master baker now.
That was funny.
You should be a guest on my talk show.
I'm in.
Well, I have done something incredibly stupid.
Whatever you do, don't say "what?" What? Lyndsey and I split up.
Oh, no.
What happened? Well, I made the mistake of thinking honesty is the best policy.
It is a good policy.
You know, another good policy? Give a hoot, don't pollute.
Zippy, the only time in this world you want to be completely honest is when the paramedics ask, "What did you take?" Two brownies and a peach Snapple.
Snapple.
Snapple.
Okay.
Well, it's been real nice talking at the two of you.
Where you going? Uh, I need a little time to be alone.
Okay.
G'bye-bye! Man, it is hard when the person you love doesn't love you back.
You don't have to love me.
What? You heard me, Mr.
Master Baker.
Men.
Hi, Lyndsey.
Uh, it's me again.
Um, you don't have to call me back, but I just want you to know that the only reason that I was so honest with you is because I care about you and I trust you.
And a lot of those things I've never told anybody, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't, either.
Um Especially the peanut butter and the dog.
I got enough problems without the ASPCA on my ass.
Um, anyway, I-I love you and I miss you, and I'm-I'm sorry I made such a big deal about your film career.
And for what it's worth, um, I got a really big kick out of seeing your original breasts.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, she's gonna take that last part wrong.
Hey, Alan, come here quick! Hurry! Oh, what fresh hell is this? Surprise! What's what's going on? It's a party to cheer you up.
Hey, Alan, say hello to the Malibu College beach volleyball team.
Hi! Hello.
Here, Alan, have a brownie.
They're mmm-mmm good.
Gee, Walden, I really appreciate this, but it's a little soon for me to be partying.
I'm still hurting over Lyndsey.
But what am I gonna do with all these incredibly hot girls in bikinis that are in the process of getting stoned out of their minds? You're right, I'm being thoughtless.
Alan's here! Men.
Do I look delicious? 'Cause I feel delicious.
Hey, Zip, I'm home.
Where you been? Not a clue.
Whoa, I just saw a giant cat holding a churro.
If that's a giant mouse, he's in big trouble.
Hey, it's Cinnamon! Oh, God, you saw it, too? Yeah, just a little.
Then I went upstairs to masturbate.
Terrific.
Is Alan here? Um I don't think so.
Let me check.
You said Alan, right? Right.
Hold on.
All right, all right.
Ladies, have you got your spoons? Well, get rid of them.
We are eating freestyle! Uh, excuse me.
Wait.
Hey.
Whoa! Hey, what are you doing? You'll thank me later.
I can fly! Oh! No, I can't.
You said Alan, right? Right.
He's not here.
Are you having some sort of a party in there? Oh, no, it's just a bunch of stoned girls dancing.
G'bye-bye! Works better with an oven mitt.
Walden! Oh, hey, Alan.
You look ucky.
Was that Lyndsey? Yeah.
I told her you were not here.
I was not here because you threw me off the deck.
No, I threw you off the deck so you would not be here.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just skip the throwing and tell her I'm not here? Next time.
Oh! Hey.
Great news, we got a cat.
Men.
Men.
So I thought about it, and I decided that I really can't fault you for opening up to me.
I mean, every good relationship has got to be based on honesty.
Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
By the way, where were you when I came over to the house? Well honesty, right? Right.
I'm such a schmuck!